Dear Agony }{ Val

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I couldn't help but hate everyone at the moment. It was in my nature to dwell on the bad over the good. It was how the humans kept us from seeing the positive in felines as reasons not to kill them. We were not supposed to notice that felines had good attributes in addition to the negative that was shoved down our throats from birth. Fortunately for the cats, I was raised by my parents. Bidziil had tried to turn us into killers, but Carska had been opposed to being a slave, so this had made Bidziil less pushy over the matter. Still, the programming was there. We were pessimists by blood. I was a prime example of proper programming in such a field.

Daiade was dead because of the war Bidziil had caused. I had sided with Bidziil, but I had not approved of him having Alaois attack Daiade. It had been amusing watching Alaois get his wing wripped off--that little asshole had thought he had a right to judge me for talking to my rebel mother? Yeah right, I am the motherfucking princess, and he was nothing but a lowly hunter at the time. Now he was dead. There was a positive. That moron had broken the heart of the wrong dog. If Paradox hadn't killed him, I would have in the very same fashion. Why had I loved that pig-headed buffoon? Oh yeah, because he was much like my dear daddy, and he was heartless. I had been stupid. There, I would admit it. Well, know what? I did not need a man. I especially didn't need one like Bidziil. How I loathed that man.

Yet, for some reason, he was still fucking alive.

I whipped my head towards the sleeping demon that lay out in the rain on the outter edge of the camp. Ayita lay near him, her scarlet face watching me from the distance, though I knew she did not really see me. She was meant to be guarding the slumbering dragon, but her mind was on Paradox, no doubt. Besides, it didn't matter. Bidziil would not go anywhere. For some reason Carska was letting him and her work on things. Bidziil needed my mother...and for some reason, Carska wanted him. It was all bullshit if you ask me.

I climbed to my feet and shook the mud from my pelt. With my tail high in dominance, I pranced from the camp and pushed my way to the prairie. It was only once I was confident I was out of sight that I let my tail fall between my legs and my ears fall back in fury and pain. As much as I had hated Daiade's beliefs, he had been the only one that didn't seem to need a mate to survive. If Abeni was there, he would be her father--but when she was not there, he was still able to survive and not dwell on the fact that his daughter had up and left him. I had admired the man more than I admired any other. And now he was fucking dead. What the hell.

“That is fine, I don't need fucking anyone. I am perfectly content on my own." I put my snout back and shouted it to the midnight clouds. It was weird. Even atheists shout upwards when they were angry--and fall to the knees when they are in their pain. I was far enough away from camp by now, having been jogging most of the way, that I knew the rain would keep from letting my voice carry to the ears of my slumbering packmates. “Fuck them all." This was said downward, not a shout, but not a whisper. I was still walking as I spit the curse to the dirt. I was walking with no destination. Who was I kidding? I was not heading anywhere--I was just focused on running away from what had become of my life.

[I L Y I C H]

I'll keep you alive if you show me the way
forever and forever the scars will remain

She was quiet loud wasn't she? It had been obvious how upset the princess had been, and I couldn't help but be worried. We were friends weren't we? In some manor of the word at least. Blue eyes watched from the distance as she expressed towards the rain clouds. It wasn't a thing she could do around anyone breathing, so perhaps the stars were indeed listening, if only as a consolation prize for loneliness. My head tipped forward slowly, the black smudge up my nose blending further into the gray. It had always been hard to tell with Alonda. What she was feeling. When she was willing to accept help, or if she wanted no part of it. It had always seemed to be best to just leave her be. Simpler. It's easier to avoid having one's head ripped off if one stays away from the executioner.

But Alonda needed someone. Needed something. Even if it was to just verbally abuse. I knew she thought she hated it. Knew she thought our supposed friendship was worthless, but that wouldn't stop me from offering some sort of comfort. She'd always felt a certain kinship in respect for Daiade. It was a thing she too had lost, and I doubted she would allow Carska to provide what she needed. Tail slightly tucked as it always seemed to be I shuffled forwards. Making a bit of noise to be sure she knew I was there I did no more then peel out of the shadows, as was my normal tendency. It always seemed to be me hovering. Waiting. Nothing came out of my mouth. I knew better then such trifles. Words didn't mean a thing. Actions were the way in which Folami proved themselves.

I had learned this from my mentor. A man who once let me think of him as a father. It was a time in my life I was still fighting to make up for. What a coward I was. Settling my depressed little tail right next to Nimrod and watching my friends leave me behind. Oh I was no good dog. My penance was deep, but I had no actions to present to this woman as of yet. She had no reason to listen to a word of mine. We were friends on nothing but words, and I suppose that wasn't quiet what she wanted out of friendship. So I took my silent seat and closed my eyes. If Alonda had anything she wished to share then I would be her willing therapist. Otherwise I would take her earned abuse and do as I was told. It was my way after all.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Even through the rain I could make out the scent strands of Val several minutes before he made his presence known. I had known he was there, and still I had not tried to conceal my emotions further. This man had seen me at my lowest time--he had seen me fret over what my brother thought of me. We had both been through much of the same thing--both prisoners of our own need to be accepted by fathers. Neither of us had wanted to be under Bidziil’s rule, but loyalty to the male role models had forced us to stay planted there. We had broken free of our chains together. I did not need to hide from this man, no. I wanted him here.

I flicked one ear towards the sound of his paws trodding through mud as he made his way to sit a few paces behind. He could fix me. I knew he could. He had back in those dark days under Bidziil’s rule. I had sought him out because he’d be an easy punching bag, but he had instead become my crutch. I had never been real good with words, but two seemed appropriate right now. “Fuck off.” What? Those were not the words I was referring to. My ears lay back against my skull. I had wanted to thank this dog for being here when I needed him most. Instead I had let myself be angry at him. Why couldn’t I just be grateful for someone for once in my life? I claimed I wasn’t a human slave, yet somehow they still had their grimy fingers fish-hooked into my brain and I had never even met one. I was pathetic.

“That isn’t what I meant to say.” It was a whisper, forced. Was being thankful and nice really so painful? Yes, yes it was. A knot formed in my stomach every time I itched to be kind. It was foreign, unexplored territory. I claimed I was this big bad-ass, but I was a coward. I was too afraid to hand my heart out and make myself vulnerable. If I really thought myself so tough, I would be able to handle heart-break. Come on, I am the princess, I can do this...”What I meant was thank you.” It would be comical if I wasn’t so emotionally frayed. The words were said quietly. I wasn’t even sure if the man would hear them. I hoped he did, because it was all too clear I would not be able to get them out again.

A wild thought came to mind and I acted on it before I could allow myself to convince myself otherwise. I got to my paws and turned, making a quick maneuver to be beside this man. Then, before my senses could catch up to me, I laid down with my head on his right forepaw, snout pointing towards his left one. I had seen children do this with their parents when they were upset over something. I pushed into the contact, eyes clamped shut. I was not crying, but I could feel the pressure pushing at the back of my orbs. I took my right forepaw and placed on his left. It was all done in silence in a matter of seconds. My self-respect didn’t dare to catch up to me. It stayed hovering in some far off cavern of the vault that usually contained my emotions. No matter what words I spoke, I was part wolf. Like a wolf, I needed comfort...and comfort, all too often, came in the form of contact.

“Run away with me.”

[I L Y I C H]

I'll keep you alive if you show me the way
forever and forever the scars will remain

I opened my eyes in response to her venom, understand that she was responding to my intrusion the way she knew how to. Not the way she meant. I could see it in the bristle of her fur, the way her ears twisted. My eyes closed again a quiet frown pressed onto my lips. Knowing. She would say what she needed to say at some point. Given time. I did not however expect the time to be so short. Black ears folded slightly in response, surprise leaking forward though I quickly caught it and flung it backward. No point in ruining the moment. My frown morphed into a soft smile, allowing for a certain amount of pride. I may not be able to fight but I knew people. I knew Alonda. I shook my head lightly, forgiveness instant. "I know." I murmured. She often said the wrong thing. Unsure of how to phrase it, or simply too prideful to spit it out.

I couldn't blame her. Pride saved her in a way empathy saved me. One doesn't need to think of others when they are sure of themselves, it means those around them are weak. Bellow notice. A dog doesn't need to see themselves when they are focusing on those around them. They become bellow notice. We were opposites and in that way it was real surprise that lifted my ears and jolted my tail to the side when those two quiet words hit my ears. I should stand. Go over to her, but if she wanted touch she would initiate it. She had thanked me for some reason, and though I had yet to work out why I would not break it for her. It was difficult and she had done it. Expressed something that I was whirring through my mind to figure out. The only thing I could think of was my presence now. Offering comfort, as I always did. But why was that special? Worthy of Alonda's thanks? Her mother and siblings tried to do the same thing after all.

None the less I stayed quiet after that, closing my jaw and tipping my head just enough to watch her from an angle, trying to work out exactly why she had chosen me to thank of all the others. I had been there for her yes, but only because she let me out of the rest of them. For some reason. A reason I still wasn't quiet grasping. I was weak so it was not respect. I was tiny by folami standards, just barely bigger then Clarimonde so it could not have been for a battle partner. So that left emotion, and that I suppose made sense. Alonda wasn't the best with such things. I suppose she needed someone to help her out every now and again-

What.

I had expected her to turn. Expected her to allow me to move next to her this however? I had not expected this. Mouth slightly ajar I stared down at her, paws warm as my ears went sharply back. It took me a moment of rapid processing before I could calm the furious beat of my heart and the heat building in my ears. Okay. My eyes closed again, slowly as I calmed. Turning from processing the sudden contact to the sudden statement I offered a quiet smile once more. Alonda may not be a big fan of contact but I had always craved it. Adored warmth and sought it like a child. My body sloped automatically into the touch and stayed there with a surprising lack of awkwardness. It was a thing that normally pervaded my entire being, and the lack of it was slightly surprising.

"Of course."

If that is what she needed I would not question it. If she wanted me to come then I would go with her. My connections to the pack were slim and far between. I had broken those with my moronic behavior with Nimrod. Alonda was all I had left at this point, even if her brother liked to smile and pretend I hadn't been a disloyal bastard. I would follow her to the ends of the earth. It was my chance to prove in action what I had been attempting to cement with words. Alonda needed this. I would support her.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

This man didn’t pull away from my touch. Maybe I didn’t have much experience--what with my lack of ever wanting to be in contact with others--but my experience with touch was that it was an awkward thing that lead to dogs pulling away and embarrassing the ‘toucher’. Bidziil used to do it when I was really young, before I had developed who I really was. As a small child, I had been harsh, but still true to my wolf genes. I had reached out for my father but he’d never reach back in the way I wanted. He would turn the affection in wrestling, which was all fine and dandy...but sometimes I had just wanted him to stroke me affectionately like I had seen Jeremiah do to Logan, or Daiade do to Abeni. Fathers were supposed to be big and tough, ready to protect their children, but there was supposed to be affection there, too.

Then there was Alaois. Him and I had been a pair for a brief amount of time--well, much of our childhood, but only serious for a short month or so. He had been sterile--the sacrifice you have to make for wings, I suppose-- so sex had had no danger. However, I had thought it had meant something. Then, one day, I moved in afterwards to give him a loving lick and he had pulled away and laughed at me. I had been hurt, but I had covered it up with anger. It wasn’t long after that I spotted me smiling with my mother. We had broken apart then and since I had accepted he had only been my mate for sex and his chance at the throne. Still, the image of him pulling away and mocking me for the affectionate contact still weighed on me. I had began to question the wolf instincts, wondering if I was the only one that carried them. Of course, I had many around me who were affectionate towards one another, but I became blind to it in my self-hatred.

Now Val was leaning into my touch and I couldn’t help but want to stay like that forever. It wasn’t awkward like I had thought it would be. I caught a small glimpse of how Paradox and Ayita must often feel, usually in contact with one another, like magnets. In a deep little box of feminine nature I dreamed for that. And now Val was willing to run away with me. I could have what Ayita and Paradox had. With time, I could know what it felt like for someone to care about me that wasn’t obligated by blood. Or maybe I was getting ahead of myself.

I slowly rose up from the submissive position, my snout rubbing loosely against his as I did so, as if by accident. I may have been pushing it, but I did not care in the slightest. I just hoped our friendship was strong enough that he’d tell me when he disagreed. If we are to run off together, he needed to let me know when I pissed him off. I did not need any unresolved grudges against me from the man. “Then let us slip away into the night!” Excitement shot from tail to nose, head to toes. I had always been a rebellious daughter, but I had never gone so far as to just disappear. Ekshen did it, and he was a damn coward. He had done it because he was a coward who didn’t want to have to choose. This was different--I was doing it because I had chosen.

Fuck the police!

I winked at the boy with a goofy smile on my face before spinning on my heals and just running. There was no destination in mind, but now I had a purpose. I would leave behind all the shit in my life and just carry with me the single good thing that had been born of it.

OOC//: I apologize now because I did not give a great deal to respond to there -shot- Sorry!

[I L Y I C H]

I'll keep you alive if you show me the way
forever and forever the scars will remain

Excitement pressed down in my chest as she stood, and it translated in my reaction to her secondary touch. Sure she had probably done it by accident, though she rarely did anything by accident, but I would take advantage of it. Just this once. I shifted my muzzle to the side again as if I was turning to look at her. Extending the contact if only for a moment. Warmth was a thing I craved, and if Alonda was willing to give it to me then I would soak in it. It seemed she didn't know the crate of eels she had just opened. I would never leave her alone ever again. My lopsided grin only grew larger with the wink and whens he launched away from me I rocketed after her. Pouncing playfully towards her before bounding back into a proper run. It was exhilarating. Fun. Childish. So absolutely teenager on a rampage that I couldn't help but grin like a rambunctious child.

It was in that run that we crossed boundaries. The final border. It seemed almost right to rush headlong over that sent line. To say good bye to all the wrongs done to the both of us. To just run. To have made a decision and with this crazy brilliant princess to lope rapidly into a new life. Perhaps I was getting ahead of myself. Dreaming large. I would keep my ideas to myself, even if I felt a bit of a too large feeling in my chest every time I caught Alonda's eyes. Maybe I was in love with her. Maybe I wasn't. Who was I to know what such things felt like? Whatever it was, I knew I wanted to stick to the gray wolf's side and I would do just. As long as she would have me. So it was a surprise as I was focused on Alonda to suddenly see white in my peripheral. I slowed barking at Alonda in an effort to get her to slow on the very low chance that she had not seen the yearling folami trotting towards us.

It took me a moment but when the female came close enough for me to notice to colour of her eyes I relaxed. Paragon slowed as she approached, her gangly awkward body shifting neatly to a stop a good ways away from the two of us. She wasn't about to get too close to Alonda it would seem. She knew me, and knew me to be peaceful. Alonda was much larger then the both of us and I suppose the white woman was just be careful. Or paranoid. She was known to be both. Her head tipped slightly but upon noticing the way I was standing turned her attention to Alonda instead. How the hell was I meant to explain something that had just occurred? I could barely find a way to talk about stuff that had happened a year ago. "'llo." Came the quiet greeting. Bored almost, as lavender eyes skimmed across Alonda's muzzle. Too use to the loner's odd way of things I didn't react though it was rather rude behavior.

She looked back at me with a frown. "You are Mahal's friend? Ain't you a bit small to be wandering around out here?" I grimaced slightly, knowing her words to be all too true but I didn't respond but with a nod. An answer to both questions. Yes I was indeed Mahals friend. The one who almost had a heart attack the first time this woman showed up out of no where on pack land asking if Mahal knew what ragwood was and if he could lead her to it. Secondly yes I was a bit small to be wandering around. If I was wondering around, which I wasn't. We were loners now too. I guess. The thought brought my grin back, and Paragon's frown grew deeper.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I skidded to a stop at Val’s bark. So lost in my odd little euphoria, I had failed to assess my surroundings. A white Folami had approached us, and I found myself throwing my shoulders forward and a snarl ripping past my lips. It was instinct--aggression first to show you are willing to tear them limb from limb. A dog is less likely to attack if the opponent has shown they are willing to fight. Even with Val and this stranger being oddly at ease, I let my snarl remain and the fur bristled.

I blinked my dirt-colored eyes at this dog, letting my fur lay flat and sheathing my fangs. She had mentioned Mahal. Still, it had also insulted Val. Narrowing my eyes, I drew myself beside Val, pelt brushing his, as I faced this woman with all my heat in my eyes. “I pity the fool who thinks size means shit.” I spat it at her, snout scrunched in indignation. “Besides,” I lifted my nose in superiority before giving Val a mischievous half smile and continuing, “wandering suggests we have somewhere to wander from. Last I checked, loners claim the world as their home.” My tone was matter-of-fact, and maybe a little too smug, as I eyed this yearly. I judged that between Val and I, she was no threat. Besides, anyone who knew Mahal to any extent, had to be pitiful gentle-natured.

Still somewhat arrogant-like, I began to judge this dog. A loner, but still fairly young. She was probably around my own age. How did she know my brother? I decided to venture to that topic. “You mentioned Mahal. That happens to be my brother. Care to tell me how he came to know a loner?” Had this dog been trespassing on our territory and Mahal did not report it? And I thought I was the rebel. Maybe my brother had a few dangerous bones in his body afterall--even if he used his for reasons different than my own.