Wither and Die [bhu]

[I L Y I C H]

Thats all my life had ever been. A sentence to death. From the very start. No decision. Nothing to do about it, no way to stop it. No halting the progress of the slowly traveling toxin's in my blood supply. My life had never been in my own paws, instead it was trapped under broken cells and ugly diseases. Lost to me. And I was done with feeling self pity. I was finished with my constant depression. All I could feel was anger. Fury; blinding in it's extreme. I'd never had any say in this. My body wasn't mine to control and it never had been. I'd been so quite for so long. Hidden away in a shell that demanded that I not upset those around me, but I couldn't take it anymore. Maybe it was selfish but I had always been a selfish cat. Self-satisfying. What else was I suppose to fucking do? I was dying. I was less then two years old and I was dying.

And I was fucking furious.

Nothing. I couldn't have anything because I would have to rip myself away from it in the end. Oh I knew that everyone must do this at some point, but it wasn't exactly a constant whisper in their ears now was it? Let alone wasting away their bodies. I knew damn well that I weighed less then I had when I first joined Zonta. It wasn't that much but I could feel it, seeping away. Slowly but surely taking my body and ringing out whatever strength it had. And I couldn't do anything about it. Absolutely-fucking nothing. I was born this way baby and shit was going to go down no matter what. Oh I could place the blame in a thousand places but that never lessened the fear and in turn the fever of anger. A desperate boon.

Dear daddy should have known. I'd always known, felt it there in the pit of my stomach. Daddy dearest shouldn't have fucking done it. Mummy could have lived without children. It was a sad day in hell when a narcissist claims they'd rather never have been born but dammit there it was. I'd sooner just not have had to live. Had because it was always forced. It had always been forced at least until recently. Anger burned into painful regret just as fast as it had flashed up. Thinking had always been my worst enemy, and maybe I had been thinking to hard. The fury was rare but all consuming and I knew I had frightened at least the cubs storming out of camp as I had. Didn't mean to but it was a fact.

I had started to live for them. No one in Zonta knew how much I cared for them. Maybe Alphonse did. He who was so utterly engulfed in his own need to provide for his family that I found it doubtful he couldn't see my own devotions. To them or to him. Convoluted broken love story that it was. Maybe I shouldn't. I knew I shouldn't, but dear Dio he meant so much to me and with everything else stolen away I didn't want to loose love to. But what was I to do? Al was my friend and I knew he loved me he had said as much, but I deluded myself. Hid from it. I didn't want him to love me no matter how much I wanted to beg for it. I couldn't do that to him. And it was that thought that finally stopped my rapid pacing back and forth across the mud.

I couldn't fall into him so easily. Not when we fit together like a pair of forgotten puzzle pieces. I knew Al. I knew how much he cared and the way he flung his whole being into it. The loss of Noelle was thick in his heart and I doubted he would ever forgive himself. Moments of insanity aside. Tucking my chin to my chest I stared down at my muck covered paws, flexing my claws slowly just to prove that I still had them. Everyone died and Alphonse had said before that he wanted me hear but my ears turned away and I couldn't listen to it. Those words had been reassurances to me as they were spoken but I thought too much and they all just curved too tightly into a ball of worry and pain. Dying slowly alone was one thing, when Alphonse was devoted to me as I was to him... I knew how that felt. I didn't want to take a piece of my alpha to the grave with me. Not after everything he'd done for me.

But I couldn't leave either and that was my dilemma. So I sat on my haunches and ignored the see of mud into my spotted fur. Waiting. I knew Alphonse and I knew he wouldn't be able to hold himself back. Fucking nosey bastard would show up sooner or later and I could wait. We needed to talk. To vent some worries that I knew we both would shoot down no matter their edges we always had, but dammit we needed to speak seriously. No veneer. No cloak. I was dying and he knew that, but had he admitted it? That was what I was less sure of and I needed to know. Was he at all prepared for the inevitable? I'd long decided that I didn't care. Which was a complete lie but I was fucking rolling with it. Though it seemed less real as time and emotions wore on. I didn't feel apathetic about leaving anymore. I had a reason to stay and Dio dammit I didn't want to go. Alphonse needed me.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I had watched Zero leave and I let her. It wasn't fair of me that I hounded her. The children had helped distract me enough that I realized everyone needs their space. My whole life had become devoted to their strange hybrids, determined to show them only the best parts of me. Out of fear more than anything, of course. I worried that if I made an enemy of one that they would remember and the canine instincts would dominate them when they were large enough to do something about it. I cared for them, too, and the way Zero handled them comforted me, but I had always been a man lead by terror. Why should my reactions towards the cubs be any different?

Though, I did rather enjoy them. They helped spark the care-free little boy I had been before my mother's abuse twisted me into who I was now. I found myself enjoying wrestling with Laura most. The boy was a bit stand-offish, more folami-like in his ways. While Laura looked more like the canine half, her heart was certain of who her family was. There were moments I had to push her away and scold her for using her jaw's full strength on my ears, but she would apologize sheepishly and I couldn't stay mad at a little girl's beg for forgiveness. Not to say she didn't have her moments. She had a lot of them, actually. There were times it was very clear the folami gene was dominant in every aspect, including her personality. But she worked hard to hide it, and I would be a hypocrite if I judged someone for their genetic shortcomings.

Sending Laura back to her mother, I realized a little bit of time had passed since I had last seen Zero. Normally I wouldn't let myself become paranoid, or I would at least try and hide it, but something was different this time. I tried to recall her last painful episode and wondered if it was that time again. I ‘liked' to be there during her agony so I could at least pretend I was comforting her in some way. It was all in my head, I knew, but it gave me a sense of purpose, allowed me to forget my sins. Climbing to my paws and gently shaking mud from my pelt (getting an annoyed glance from Laura as a speck of dirt hit her snout, which I responded to with a tongue out)I walked out of camp calmly. I let my gut lead me--it was always a gift (curse?) how easily I stumbled across Zero. It was a gift to me, I suppose, but I could guess it was probably leaning more towards a curse to Zero.

Though, as I spotted her now, she seemed to be waiting. For what? I approached her and simply sat in front of her in guarded silence. I didn't like the expression on her face. I had been adoring towards her, but a little self-conscious lately. I had admitted my feelings to her and, though I could try and tell myself she said it with actions and expression, fact of the matter is I haven't had verbal confession of her loving me. It made me question everything I did, whether or not I was being annoying, if she wanted me around or not. So I didn't say anything, simply kept myself seated in front of her and looked bashfully at her paws in the muck.

I would never claim not to be an awkward shit, and Zero should know this by now.

[I L Y I C H]

There on clue was mister magic man. Blue eyes jumped up to follow his motions, more caustic then they really needed to be but the residual anger was still frothing within me. Though I guess I am pretty much always angry. My general response to Al was enough of an indicator of that. Not that I didn't have my damn right to be angry, but jeez I needed to stop taking it out on him. Dudes gone through enough shit int he last couple of months without having to deal with my depressed ass alongside. Again shit he'd brought onto himself but just like me and my conditions Alphonse couldn't help how he'd been born or how he'd been raised. Or lack there of. "You have fucking magical powers you know that?" Really. Even Ilyich and Vengrad's creep as all hell moving around and randomly appearing wasn't as accurate as Al's. That had to be some kind of amazing power.

Sighing thickly I tipped my head slightly to the liger. My alpha. I kept forgetting thats what he was. In the beginning he hadn't let me. All his stupid talk and his sneering. His dislike of women. That had changed over time and with that changing so had the way I saw him. Fucking Alphonse. He wasn't this massive liger that I had once felt fear and anger towards. He was awkward and childish. Desperate to keep ahold of what he had left and going about it all the wrong ways. Maybe thats what drew me to the stupid brute. We were both just so god damn desperate. My face softened slightly, my internally directed anger being shooed away by sentiment. "Now look. We need to have a serious talk and I swear to Dio if you fucking laugh at me I will hurt you." Yeah I could soften up my eyes as much as I wanted but my inability to talk like a lady always fucked it up.

Sucking in a breath I tossed my blue stare to my own paws, mimicking Al's stance. Blowing it back out again I flicked my tail awkward. So I knew I had to talk but I didn't know how to fucking start talking. Shit like that doesn't just crop up in normal conversation. Actually that might fucking work. "Hey how's the weather? By the way you do realize I'm dying right?" Okay so that sounded way meaner then I thought it was going to. Grimacing slightly I lifted one paw and waved it haphazardly in the air still avoiding looking at him. "I mean, well no. Thats exactly what I mean." Alphonse was sat here talking to a dying woman. I was rotting slowly but surely before his eyes and Dio fucking dammit I didn't want to do that to him. To any of them.

Blowing air out loudly, and slicking my whiskers back slightly I looked up sharply. Blue eyes trying to find something to lock onto. Namely Al's face. "Look I know I'm an awkward shit and I haven't said it, which is really fucking sad because you've said it - no offense - but I love you and I don't want to rot in front of you okay?" Hunching my shoulders and looking away I grimaced back out into the misting rain. Trying to ignore the hat under my fur. Apparently the best way for me to say anything was to just blurt out nonsense before it. Figures. "It's been bothering me." Shuffling my paws and flicking my tail to wrap around the other side of my body I continued to look away. "You get where I'm coming from don't you?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Me, it had been me she had been waiting for. I wanted to crack a grin and look at her, make some stupid comment about me being a superhero, but I wasn’t given the time before being threatened. This in itself amused me but I held back the smile. For her to say something like that, I could only guess where this was going. To the place I wasn’t allowed to go. I had built up a steel wall around that part of my memory. The painful moments Zero had were just something she lived with. I refused to recall that day I had felt that tumor, the conversation that ensued. I was well aware I did not handle stimuli of any sort well. I never had. I am dramatic at the worst of times, exaggerating my reactions to the point that people always got hurt. I almost told her to stop before she could begin, but I knew that would be wrong. Zero knew how I was--if she was going about this then it had to be done. I tried to look up and meet her gaze, but I just couldn’t. I even narrowed my eyes to shield them further. She already knew how uncomfortable this would make me, she didn’t need to see it, too.

I can’t even say I was all that taken aback by the way she came about doing it. This was Zero, the woman I loved. I had found comfort in thinking like that. For two long I had stared at Zero and wondered why I did so, why seeing her made me feel so...weird. The feeling had a name now and I found serenity in that certainty. It was the only for sure thing I had anymore. Everything was so fragile, but my feelings for this woman and her ways was something solid--a life vest, if I may be so cliche. “Not a moment goes by that I don’t realize that.” It was mumbled, as if I was a child being scolded by their mother and trying to defend themselves but knowing it was in vain. Yeah, I denied it every moment of every day, but that only meant the thought was there. I wouldn’t have to bury it if I didn’t think it.

I finally carried my eyes up to where they could meet her gaze. Now, that next thing had caught me off guard. As much as I had wanted it, I couldn’t say I had ever expected the words to come from the woman’s mouth. I wanted this whole thing to just end with that. With confession of love. Then we could just pretend to be fucking happy until the day the inevitable happened. But the second half of her confession made me quiver. It was true. Cancer would not be ignored. Mother had told me that you’re dead long before you actually die when you have cancer, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I did not want to see Zero go through that, but I would. Love makes you stupid. I wanted to spend every moment I could with her, whatever that entailed. It would hurt, but I knew I would be happier in that time then I had ever been. Zero was the only good thing that has ever happened to me, the one blessing that wretched Dio decided to give me. If she was even from him. I doubted something so perfect could come from someone so selfish and cold.

Zero wasn’t an angel. She was mortal. That was better than anything the fucking baboon could give.

“When will you realize I don’t care?” The words fell from my lips a bit blandly before I could think them through. It was one of those moments when you wish you could just grab what was said and swallow it back up. It had come out wrong, my thoughts spewing out before I finished thinking them. “No, no, that came out wrong.” Flustered now, my normally deep rough rose in pitch. “What I mean is, uh,” I couldn’t get my thoughts together now and I dropped my eyes back to the ground to refocus, shoulders tense in embarressed frustration. “Fuck, I’m no good at this speaking shit.” I wanted to laugh at myself but my humor was gone. Zero was fucking dying. The one good thing in my life would be gone sooner than she should be, all because of something we could not control. I hated not being in control. It was my worst fear. Ironic for someone who has such little control over themselves. “Ugh, I just want to be with you, whatever that means. If I have to hold your paw while you,” I faded off , continuing to block my eyes from her vision. I could say the word, so I just continued past it, knowing Zero would fill in the blank, “then so be it. I don’t want to watch it happen, Zero, but this isn’t about me. If it was, it wouldn’t matter anyway because all I want is you. The rest can go fuck itself.”

We were just a couple teens with more to say than we had words to say them with.

[I L Y I C H]

Ears locked against the top of my head I flicked my eyes up to his for a moment before looking back to my feet. Of course. Just another thing that he couldn't have because it would ruin him. Of course he thought about it. My head came up as the words began to tumble awkwardly out of Alphonse's mouth though, eyes hot as they always managed to be. "And I fucking do, okay? I know what you mean so stop flailing" We were just a couple of awkward shits. But he was still talking, and I looked at him sharply before the words began to cool the acid in my stare. "Die?" I offered as he trailed off, looking at the man critically, though my eyes were kinder then their normal franticly aggressive edge. "It's okay. You'll have to say it at some point, Al." Shoulders shrugging I relaxed back onto my haunches. It was the truth of the matter after all. That we had a clock on us. A horrible nasty clock but it wasn't something either of us could just fling away.

Nothing could keep the grim reaper at bay forever but hey. I could feel myself start to edge towards the liger. As much as I hated it. As much as I knew in the end that I would destroy the ginger brute before me. Fuck. No one as horrifically awkward as my Alphonse was suppose to be such a smooth talker. It wasn't fucking fair. Sighing again I gave Al a long look filled with as much fickle annoyance as I could before giving in and letting the smile start to edge across my lips. "Sorry man I just... I dont want to upset anyone." Pulling my legs closer to my chest I tucked my chin down into the thick down of my chest. "I saw what happened to my mom when Dad died." Shaking my head and closing my eyes for a second to dispel the horrible falseness of her actions I turned my attention back to Alphonse.

If we were in this together then... I suppose it could be alright. Maybe. We could focus on one another to blot out the pain of both parties. If only until I kicked the bucket, then I feared for Alphonse. Not anyone else. They could deal with themselves and I fought hard to keep myself generally separated from them all. Al hadn't allowed that and so now I had to deal with these stupid damn emotions and all of the convoluted shit that went along with being a young adult and not knowing how to balance life and death. Life was so much easier when I was alone, and a part of me regretted not leaving the day Noelle had been removed from us. A part of me regretted joining Zonta at all. For making friends with their loud snotty alpha who wasn't really either of those things. Those bits and pieces of reluctance wern't gone of course not. It was just a little chat, but they had ben quieted and tucked away to bed. The future was far away and always moving. If I wanted to try and live in it I might as well already be dead.

Standing abruptly I shouldered my way playfully past the larger cat aiming to smack him full in the face with my tail. "Come on then. If I'm serious for much longer I might puke." The weakness from my early morning pains had faded back into the strength of my muscles. I was hungry. So we might as well go have fun and just be together for a bit and not have to play this game of tag with emotions. It was bullshit. We'd just have to work shit out as we went. I'd just have to get over my constant taste of worry. It would be fine. It had to be fine. And if it wasn't I would come back and haunt his ass until it was. "Let's go catch something I'm starving."