Be Still. [bhu.]

[I L Y I C H]

Clari was leading us into Vea Apxn. The walk here had taken longer then I had thought it would, but then I guess no pack would keep it's camp on the edge of their territory. It just wouldn't make any sense. All the better. That idiot wouldn't be able to find me here. Wouldn't even think to look here. Even if I felt physically nauseous with every step I took after my sisters. Even if it felt like my heart was ripping into little pieces. It had to be done. If he would be happier with Barbara there then I didn't need to be there. No reason to rain on Gavin's parade. Didn't want to make him choose when it was evident he'd much rather be back in AH with the people who had always been more his family then mine. With the golden woman he spent most of his time with anyway. Lindsay glanced back over her shoulder at me. Apparently I'd made some sort of sound. She fought hard to keep the pity out of her eyes but I saw it, and my lip curled in response. I didn't need pity. This was the right thing to do. For both of us. I just couldn't look at them anymore.

It hadn't taken long. The three of us had talked, and in the end we'd decided as a group to go to Vea Apxn. Clari needed to go back anyway, and I was curious about them all. Curious and bleakly terrified of living with my old family anymore. I felt horrible about just abandoning Geoff and everyone else but I sucked ass at goodbyes. Better to just rip the bandaid off. Better to not have to say goodbye at all. There wasn't really a point. Sure I got along with them but leaving with my sisters wouldn't hurt any of them badly enough for it to matter. Sure it felt like I'd just torn half of my face off and flung it across the prairie, but i'd get over it. Eventually. They didn't need me.

In my dark state of mind I wasn't entirely paying attention. The abruptness of yelling and bolting black bodies took me utterly by surprise and my reaction was the normal one. Lips pulled back and fangs bared to their roots I snarled hard enough to rub my throat raw. Wide ocher eyes met my frontal attack, the great body moving nimbly out of the way of snapping jaws. I'd been distracted, but that wasn't a real excuse for behaving like this on lands I expected to join rank with. Lindsay was at my side instantly, shooing me backwards with a heavy frown. The snarl stayed rumbling in my chest but I fought my lips down and my ears forward. Whoever was facing us was massive in comparison to me. Muscular and compact. A warrior born to strong parents. Jet black and yellow eyed to boot. It was that bit that caught my attention and dropped my snarl, face going incredulous.

"Mahal?" Lindsay took a step aside when I spoke up, still staring in blank shock. Last time I'd seen this man he'd been a pup just like me. Small and clumsy and pathetic. Now he stood a full head taller then me and undoubtably weighed twice as much. He was fucking massive! Dear Skoll what were they feeding him? Mahal looked at me for a long moment, that old familiar almost pursed look on his face while he fought to trudge through that horrible memory of his. Recognition came though. Recognition and something near joy under the layer of poorly hid panic in those usually bright eyes. Lindsay shuffled back to my side at that point, tipping her head back to peer up at the royal folami's face even as the man suddenly noticed her and looked down. The two apparently didn't have much more then awkward smiles for one another though, because the black boy just as quickly focused on Clarimonde.

That focus seemed forcefully ripped away rather suddenly. Which alone was shocking but damn I didn't know anything about what had been going on between these two. "I-uh." He paused oddly, biting his tongue for a moment before he opened his mouth one more time to suck in a calming breath. That stupid fake smile was more refined now, but I could still see the hurt and anxiety creasing it's edges. "I'll go tell mother." With that the good little prince turned about face and marched off before us. Back to camp. Lindsay sucked in a worried breath and moved to go after him. She was after all the one in the most danger right now. Who knew what Carska would think of a little domestic dog in her camp? it was different then Clari and I after all. So I hurried to catch up to the border collie. As protection. Ears flicking sideways I turned my head enough to offer Clari my support. We were all in this together after all.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I would be lying if I claimed I hadn’t pushed myself to turn around multiple times in this silent journey. I didn’t know nor care if it had only been silent for me, I would not say a word for fear the other two would hear how unstable I was at the moment. There was nothing left of the confidence I had left with. My evening with Scrap had been much too pleasant, more than I deserved. He had treated me kinder than the rest had and though it had nudged me back into a sense of sanity, I had hated it. I felt dirty again. At least when Falone, Percy, and Inarak had found me willing in the right they had responded with vigororous need, tearing open wounds as the sparks flew between, reminded me with cruel slurs that I was worth no more than the soil we lay upon, perhaps even less. I had known for sure my place then. Scrap had been passionate, gentle in his movements. It made me second guess what I had come to accept.

He had made me want something more.

It was that day I had returned to find Michael and Lindsay prepared to walk beside me back to Vea Apxn. I had not considered that option since leaving, but my time with the Esson folami had woken the flame at just the right moment. With guarded eagerness I had said I would guide them. Michael needed this because of Gavin. Lindsay needed this because of Barbara. I needed this because of me. We all had our demons--they could run from them, but I had already been there. I was prepared to face mine.

Well, I thought I was.

Something moved nearby and Michael responded with aggression. My stomach clenched--I knew I was useless in a fight. I had proven time and time again that one doesn’t learn how to fight through books. My muscle tone was pitiful, my agility weak. I was not a warrior, and no amount of inspirational speak would make me believe I was. I could recite all the components of a proper attack or defense, but to act them out was a whole different story. Lindsay was small. Michael was weak due to his eating disorder. I was useless. Against a Folami, we were nothing more than toys to be played with.

How I did wish it was an aggressive attacker that came forward. My confident had been draining in the walk, but all sense of desire fled from me the moment the man came within complete sight. Emotions stampeded through my heart, pushing away logic that said I shouldn’t care anymore. I hated this man, was afraid of this man, wanted nothing more than this man. The man who had stood by Michael and I as we fought back the crowds. The man who had forgiven me after logic lead me wrong. The man would had watched me shatter under the pressure of death, driven by hormones I wish I didn’t have. I couldn’t even remember why I had been so angry at him, I remembered only pain. Pain had transformed into fury--the pain of knowing he would never be mine to hold close. The pain of knowing I would never have a man that loved me, or children that thought I could do no wrong. I had left because my heart had won custody over me, the brain losing the battle and sitting off to the side. Logic was too far gone. I was a dog now, a mortal. I couldn’t hide from that anymore.

I refused to speak or even meet his eyes. I could feel a slow breath pass between my teeth as the brute marched ahead. I turned chocolate eyes to Lindsay, knowing the unease of going somewhere new. “Carska is a fair dog and will love you despite what you are. In fact, she will love you more for it. She honors strength when it comes from unexpected places.” My tone was soft as I moved to stand beside the slightly woman. We were close in height, me not having any of the folami physical genetics. I mine as well be a domestic bred dog, no one would ever tell the different. Ah, but I was distracting myself with the inner monoloug--I knew full well my words I had just given as comfort to her only scared me more. I had returned having proven I was weak, why should Carska take me back? “Maybe I should go?” Curving into a question, I continued to be drawn towards the camp. I looked to the side, past Lindsay and to Michael. I couldn’t help but let a whine fall soft from my lips.

This wasn’t home anymore. Why was I here?

[I L Y I C H]

Back. She'd come back. not for me obviously, but it set my heart leaping in ecstasy. I'd thought her dead. Lost to me forever. My closest friend who'd helped me through so many damned roadblocks in my life, gone because I couldn't help her. Because I'd all but abandoned her like the disgusting dog that I was. But she was back now. Clarimonde had come home so she could fix the horrible things I knew were whispering through her mind. Those words whispered through my own too. They curled through all of us and told us such nasty things. Michael knew that as well. I knew that much. Everyone felt that. It would go away. It would be repaired in time, it had to be. Maybe that put too much trust in the concept of time. It wasn't like it fixed very much for anyone else. Hope had to exist though, even if it was just flung haphazardly into a mix of anxiety and fear. Clari's leaving was my fault after all. I hadn't been there to protect her. Hadn't been there to support her.

Maybe turning away was best. The husky mix wasn't so much as looking at me. It should have been obvious that Clari wouldn't want anything to do with me. I'd ruined everything being a selfish douche bag. So I'd stay quiet too. She didn't need to hear my stupid voice. Walking in front of them I couldn't quiet stop myself from listening in. A horrible habit but it had been my saving grace in my early years and I couldn't quiet break out of the habit. Ears pricked, I threw a quick glance over my shoulder as the two women spoke. Michael shifted defensively when he noticed my look, which only confused me more. Why would Mother have any issue with another half breed? It sounded like Clari was referring to something else, and that would be when I sniffed again and noticed the differences.

The little collie like girl smelled different. Not a scent I recognized to a full extent. Ah. That was the problem. Looking back in front of me I flicked my tail in acknowledgement. Mother wouldn't have any problem with a dog. Even if the little girl didn't have a drop of folami in her veins. She walked with folami so she had to be pretty strong all on her own. Carska wasn't one for judgement. She'd have a chance to prove herself in Vea Apxn. Still seemed nervous though, the fur on her back stood up uncertainly and I could hear her heart beat picking up. Nothing wrong with that. Fear response. If this woman was running with folami Skoll only knew what she had seen.

Clari kept talking though, and my ears went straight back. A low whine managed to bite past my control despite myself though I tucked it quickly away. If that was what she wanted. Needed. I didn't have rights to support or deny her emotionally. I'd abandoned her and now she wanted nothing to do with me. I could see that much. So I stayed silent as we walked into camp. Silent and listening as Michael looked back to his fellow mix breed and spoke in his accented voice. "You said you'd come here with me, Sis." The words were obviously manipulative, but there was honest desperation behind them. Fear. It made me wonder exactly what kind of lions den Michael thought he was trudging into.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Loyalty. Promises. They had never meant anything to me before. Every dog I trusted left, every promise broken. It was my fault I was so damaged now, so beyond reason that I honestly thought running away was the very best option. At one point in my life I had been brave, living by that quote I read about there being nothing to fear but fear itself. It was true and it had made me bold, willing to push past boundaries many dogs would have cowered at. But logic had fled me and with its vacant space terror had settled in. I was scared and I didn’t even know what of.

But Michael and Lindsay shouldn’t have to answer for my sins.

I blinked apologetically at my fellow half-breed, eyes soft as they met his. “You’re right, I did.” I was an honest dog, if nothing else. Any bit of self respect I still had relied on me staying true to my word. I had told my siblings I would stand by them and no amount of fear could change that. I looked forward again, ears perked forward in what could be mistaken as eagerness, though it was only me being alert. A child’s voice called out an unfamiliar name--it was young, a male sounding tone. Astrid was the name he called out, and it was said with playful adoration that only a sibling could hold. My nose caught several new scents, all quite young and mingled with familiar tangs. Multiple dogs had had children.

I had always been a curious dog. ‘You ask too many questions’ my father had laughed.

“Mahal, who had children?” My tone was quiet as I moved a couple paces forward, walking just a step behind the man. My need to know had always overcome all other things. That didn’t really explain why I was speaking to the brute, though. I could wait another moment and see the new faces for myself. No, I had wanted to speak to the man and here was an excuse to justify it. I couldn’t apologize to him, it wasn’t in my nature, but the soft tone I used held a thin layer of shame.

I had left my friend because I was unable to withstand knowing I finally loved someone and they didn’t love me back. Elementary. Stupid, bad dog. You are not worthy of the prince. You are unclean and will only cover his purity with your filth. I swallowed it back. I had asked an innocent question that suggested nothing. I just needed to know. I had to ask questions.

I had to talk to him.

[I L Y I C H]

I strode into camp before them, trying to block out the cat like purring noise Michael made in response to Clari's words. I hadn't hear those either. Fighting to hard to pretend like I didn't want to hang off of them. So it took me a moment when I came to stop just inside the sink hole, to realize that Clarimonde was speaking to me. Jumping slightly late, I looked down at the woman before looking back up just as rapidly. "Children?" Ears flicking slightly I turned my ocher eyes to the pups in question. Ayita's three were in that play with everything stage. It was starting to get dangerous. I rather liked my tail attached to my body, and little Astrid wasn't a fan of that idea. Eyes warm I sat down smoothly, watching with some amusement as Paradox flopped dramatically along the ground with puppy teeth in his ear.

"Those four rushing about are Mukki, Kamautu, Astrid and Salisa. Ayita and Paradox had their first litter two months ago." Falling silent for a moment I watched the lot of them and their games in silence with a smile on my lips. I'd never been in camp with children about. It had always been me as the child, and the change was wonderful. I quiet enjoyed the lot of them, and it seemed the lot of them quiet enjoyed trying to take my tail off. So I supposed it was a win win situation. Michael and Lindsay had stopped just behind me, ears pricked. The both of them all but shook with anxiety all over again seeing how full camp was. I couldn't really blame them. it was a lot to take in all of a sudden, and I'd no idea where they'd just come in from. Loners always had to reacquaint themselves with the idea of pack life.

"And those two at the den mouth just got their eyes open. Those are my little brother and sister." I smiled proudly, watching Mickey wobble uncertainly just inside the entrance to her home. "They haven't gotten their legs under them yet." Waving my tail once I stood up slowly, casting a warm look behind to the two dogs stood worrying behind. I wouldn't say anything though. I knew how it felt to have your fears shoved in your snout. Besides I'd grown up with Alonda. Skoll knew that taught me a thing or two about what was the right time to say something. "Oh! And Sister is pregnant. Can you believe that? I'd never thought I'd see the day." I could see Val on the opposite side of the clearing stretched out neatly in the shade with Georgia carefully counting out the herbs and medicines he'd been muttering about for days.

A frown pressed onto my lips as I watched them. Val was being his normal awkward self, sat as far away from the white woman as possible. Alonda seemed to be the only person he actively allowed physical contact to. Georgia was stretched out just as awkwardly but for an entirely different reason. "Georgia's pregnant too." We were all worried about the herbalist. At least I knew Mother and I were unsettled by her behavior. She'd become so distant and careful with herself. The word rape was flung about more then once in the dark, but with Georgia unwilling to say anything there was nothing we could do. Ocher eyes wandering back to Clari I settled down into my frown. "You gonna be okay Clari? I mean I'm happy to see you back, I thought you were dead, but you... don't have to stay here just to make yourself feel worse."

Rapid paw steps drew my attention away from Clarimonde. Drew my head and eyes up, locking them on Carska and she made her way rapidly across the clearing the relief in her face obvious. She must have left Midge in charge of Irwin and Mickey. I'd not seen her leave and the only person she wouldn't have to haggle down into pup duty would be Midge. Based off the blood on her face Mother had gone hunting. Food for the pups. And a fun way to drive father up the wall. She was enjoying damaging Bidziil's emotions far too much. Smilling back to Mother I waved my tail as she drew even with us. But she hadn't come running for me, her bloody silver muzzle darted in in an effort to rub across Clarimonde's face. "You son of a bitch, tell a dog before you go running off okay? It's your business I know but I'd have liked to know you weren't dead."

Drawing in a thick breath through her nose Mother took a step back and straightened herself. Falling back into the neatness that she was so proud of. Tawny eyes flicked past the two of us and locked onto Michael and Lindsay. There was vague recognition in her eyes, mother always made an effort to remember but she was horrible with faces and still forgot most of Ayita's children's names anyway. "Who are you two then? Come to stay with us?" The question was directed at them, but both dogs hung back and just stared uncertainly.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Mahal’s enthusiasm over the children almost forced me to crawl back into myself. For most, enthusiasm was contagious, but it had always intimidated me. There was little outside of books that excited me, and I found it hard to understand. But it was far more than that--maybe I was selfish in the fact that I wished he was as awkward around me as I was to him. I wanted to be friends again, but a big part of me didn’t want to, too. If we were friends I would have to see him and Logan together, in love, day in and day out. I was happy for them, truly, but that was something I didn’t want to have front row seats to. Not yet. Not when the taste of death was still so fresh on my tongue.

“Wow, Alonda, really?” I tried so hard to make it sound amused with a hint of surprise, but it was tainted thinly with sarcasm. I didn’t expect anyone to notice it it was so light, but I heard it. It would be nice if I could just put on a mask like everyone else. Bidziil, Carska, Mahal, Alonda, Geoff, Michael, and Gavin were professionals at it. Even Nimrod pretended like him wasn’t pissed all the time. I said nothing more on the matter, dropping my gaze as Mahal’s tone changed and he spoke more carefully to me. “I’m fine.” A bit more aggressively than intended, I ducked away from him and moved back towards Michael. That had become my default, hiding amongst my siblings. Or should I say we tended to hide amongst each other? Didn’t matter. They helped me relaxed.

It was only then I noticed Carska. Now there was a face I missed. I let a smile slip forward as I allowed her snout to rub up against my cheek, not caring if it left blood streaked in its wake. I pushed forward and hid-away into her chest. This was another safe place. Carska had become a mother when I crawled over to her side. I had lost one mother with death, another when her and Michael left. This time I had left a woman willing to help me. I didn’t even care if she was anxiously rambling. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” And I meant it. Unlike the true tones having to sneak in when I spoke to Mahal, I was allowing honest emotion here. Guilt, sorrow, self-loathing, it all washed into one messy puddle as it came falling into her chest. I had so wanted to die. I had been so ready to leave Carska behind without giving her the benefit of knowing. I pulled away slowly, doing my best to keep my tone more confused rather than weighed down with the remorse. “You mean Bidziil didn’t tell you? That son of a bitch can keep a promise. Geoff was right.” My gaze had drifted over my shoulder to face Michael and Lindsay. I had told them both how anxious I was that one day Carska would march into camp, knowing I was there and drag me home. They knew I had not trusted his word one little bit, though Geoff had assured me I could relax.

I turned away from Carska then, a little surprised she didn’t recognize Michael. I was always good with names and faces, so it caught me off guard when someone wasn’t. “Lindsay and Michael. You don’t remember Michael?” A little back to my former self, I turned my eyes quizzically towards Carska. “Him and his mother were part of the pack before the split.”

[I L Y I C H]

Smiling into the young woman's fur I pulled back to touch her muzzle one last time. "No. No it's fine." tawny eyes slipping away from my returned adopted daughter I glanced to the other two once more before looking at my son. The smile on his lips was tight as it tended to be, but unlike usual the tightness didn't meet his eyes. It was the thickest I'd seen that inherited mask in a long time. The ocher was all but life less. Mahal ducked his head into a small bow before backing out. Ears flicking back I watched the ebony boy move off. Away. He seemed to be going towards the den entrance, and his call to Midge to offer her a break gave me his excuse. The child was thick as thieves with his siblings, or at least was trying to be. It was hard to be exceedingly close to someone who could only shout no, in Mickey's case, whenever bed time rolled around.

Looking back to Clarimonde I arched one brow. Voice going flat I let the annoyance seep into my stare. Turning just enough to glare in the ebony king's general direction I let the affect into my words. "He knew?" That little fucker. He went out to help Mahal look and he knew the entire time. Could have ended it right then and there. At least told me. I understood his reservations but he should have known that I would not have told our son, nor would I have gone to fetch Clari. But if he'd made a promise he'd made a promise. I would bitch to him about it later, even if I didn't really hold any bad feelings about it. It was too amusing to watch the man squirm. Smirk pulling up at the edge of my features I follow Clarimonde's direction and offered the two new comers a more welcoming grin.

Ah! Yes, I'd thought the man had looked familiar for some odd reason. That odd reason being he had been young when he left my sights. I'd tried to talk his mother into staying but in the end their leaving had been better for Michael. It made me wonder where the woman was now, though with the times so dark I dared not ask out in the open public form. Not now. I would speak with the boy later tonight. "Yes! Yes I am sorry, I can barely remember my own name let alone someone I haven't seen in years. My apology." My smile tightened slightly, looking at the two relative strangers. What that pack had done to Michael was inexcusable and I was honestly surprised to see him willing to rejoin any sort of pack format ever again. Bullying ruined a child, I knew that much at least. And his bullies had been vicious and cruel.

It was not my place to ask questions though. So I would not. If any of them wished to talk to me then they would come to me in there own time. Lindsay was a thing of interest though. I'd never seen a folami so small. Though... No. She wasn't a folami at all, but at ease amongst us. A stranger dog then. Interesting. Again, though, it was not my business to go prodding about in the woman's past. A small laugh bubbled out of my lips, slightly forced out of my own awkwardness in greeting, but a laugh none the less. "You should ask Ayita. I can't keep her own children's names straight." Smiling meekly I took a small step backwards, nodding to the three of them. "Right well. Welcome to Vea Apxn. If you speak with Clari she'll explain our ranking system to you and we can set you up with duties later." No reason to stress anyone out right now.

"If you any questions come find me, or ask Clari."