Pain is My Escape [TW; self harm]

[lapara]

Holitorn

I walked into The Place. The red liquid that courses inside my veins had stained the rocks around me. The next day I would be going into battle. My insides felt jiggly. I had to fight along-side the lions that almost killed my sister. What was I doing? The voices started to talk to me. Not the voices that the crazy people think they actually hear, but those voices inside your head that tell you that your not good enough. Then again, maybe I was crazy. No, not maybe. There was no doubt about it.

I couldn't stand it. How did I do it before?

My screwed up mind went back in time to find it. That little sensation called relief. I found it in my past experiences, and my body went to go do what had caused it before.

Cutting.

Though the last time I had promised myself never again, I went ahead. I took the rock in my maw, and put it next to the plethora of scars from previous sessions. Nobody would notice another one. The last time I came close to someone they just ignored me.

Only Laela.

She would see the new scar and lick it. Then give me a lick on my cheek. I would look into her deep and grown-up eyes as she would ask me how I got it. I would tell her some lie. I would avoid her eyes at that point and when I look up I would see disbelief in her face. She would tell me to be more careful next time and send me on my way. One of these days she was going to follow me here and tell me that I had to stop or she would abandon me. I would have to stop. If she abandoned me, then I would end up killing myself, and she would be broken. The thought of her broken breaks me even more. She lived through brain-damage, her mother dying, and severe trauma. She is so strong, and that keeps me strong.

I pressed harder.

My thoughts traveled to my mother. Me and Laela would show up after a romp in the dirt, and she would immediately start grooming Laela, all the while telling me off for getting dirty. She would then tell me to go clean myself, that I was old enough. Laela went up against Mother, saying that me and her were the same age, but Mother just kept grooming her. Eventually Mother just stopped talking to me. I began to question if I was real or if I was just Laela's imaginary friend. Sometimes I still wonder that. My mother was the one who set this into me, that started the damage somewhere deep inside me.

My leg started to feel the pain, but it was the first bit of relief. Physical pain banished the mental pain that was always with me.

As the edge dug into my flesh, my body was alive, and real. Only real things could feel pain. So this meant that I was not indeed an imaginary friend. I was real. Everything around me was real. I was real and my brain was so overloaded with the physical pain that there was no room for mental. The blood trickled down my leg. I cut as deep as I dared go. Any deeper and I might hit an artery. The blood loss would be fatal. I could do that, but I couldn't. Because of the whole Laela thing.

Panic shot through me. I heard paw-steps on the gravel. Shit. Laela could not catch me in my little bloody circle of rock. I quickly pulled the rock from my leg and jumped out of the Place to the other side from the steps. It would be better if no one saw me at all.[/size]



Word count: 633

[I L Y I C H]

I Really Dont Know What It Means
To Put My Smile On To Turn A Light On

It was all a plot to avoid the destruction. To run away from emotions I could not comprehend. In my life I had come to accept my personal mental deficiency, my inability to produce emotion. Seeing Zonta as it was now, I could not help but try and run away. If only for a few hours. If only to pretend I wasn't some horrid thing that could never truly understand why I was bad. People told me it was bad, but I couldn't grasp the reasoning behind it. Why was I horrid? Ginger eyes sweeping before me I came to pause; one over sized paw held above the super heated sand.

I'd walked into Akando land by accident. Black ears tweaking slightly, I glared forward. My dear younger brother would be upset with me if he found out. Alphonse was alpha now, no matter the odd circumstances to his claiming the title. Orders had been dished out, and I had broken them. My military standing made me dislike this, but my military standing also had me move forward once more. If the laws were already shattered then I should at least find something to repair them with. Something to melt the glass shard's back together.

But alas I had found myself mindless and wandering amongst the sage grasses of the bone desert. There was nothing. Not a soul, or a twig for miles. A place to escape, even amongst Akando. Bleakness was a thing to appreciate; solitude to be adored. As if tacking on those words made me understand them. The feeling of enjoyment... was that adoration? Did not feeling mad make me happy? It was all so confusing. And yet my spotted face turned an outward mask of blankness to the world. I was simply a leopard, one a bit larger then most, but a leopard all the same. A curiously dust hued creature with a bleakness to her exterior that showed nothing and gave nothing away.

Except for the scars that is. My frame was coated with them, and I had no long fluffy fur to hide my addiction. They arched in the perfection across me. Obvious and ragged. Shivering lengths of pale flesh that gave away so very much to those that could look properly. Long ago I had given up on hiding them, and moved from my outer limbs. Self injury was a way to feel. An emotional release, and a form of letting my mind work properly for once. As if the pressure was too much and it needed a bit of blood loss to correct itself. The pale twisting line across my inner for-legs had long ago gone gray with age.

I had far larger wounds now.

The scent of blood brought me from my musing, and turn pumpkin shaded eyes around to search. I being a Zonta huntress should probably hide at this point, but who the hell cared? A fight was always good, a way to relieve the pressure without looking insane. A strategic manor in which to be a sinner. Licking my lips, I pressed my claws forcefully into the dirt before retracting them enough to continue walking. Parting my jaws I drew the stale air across my scent glands, picking out pieces with clinical accuracy. Lion, possibly a young male. An Akando cat. Black lips twisting down into a slight frown I tilted my skull.

Blood from a flesh wound. It was no deep cut, that always smelt decidedly iron like. It would seem the mystery was hiding form me, and perhaps for good reason. "I can smell you, Sir. Come out" My voice came out as it always did, sounding disturbingly like an ice coated rusty hinge. The tint of my German accent grew worse the farther I moved from Zonta it would seem. If he did not come out then I would find him. His blood smell had perked what little interest I could manage to dredge up.

[lapara]

A strange accent found its way to my ears. It was not Laela. Thank Dio. I couldn't have her finding this out. Never ever. Not my twin.

The smell in the air was from a leopard. Female. From another pride. What was she doing here? Didn't she know she could get killed? Whatever. There was something strange about this lioness anyway. Her voice sort of quavered a bit, and for some reason she didn't sound like her mind was in the right place.

Then again who was I to talk.

I looked down at my leg, which was totally red and gory looking by now. Usually I washed off the blood before I went back to the camp.

Oh well. I made up an excuse in my mind. I had slipped and hurt myself. That's what I would tell this strange leopard.

I took a deep breath and walked out to reveal myself. I opened my mouth to say something but I forgot what I was going to say when I saw the leopard's body.

It was completely covered in scars.

Oh my dio. This cat had been through hell and back. There was no way that that had all happened to her in battle. Unless she was some kind of sick killer whom's victims had been feisty.

I knew this cat was like me. She was in pain. Horrible pain. I had finally found someone who I was akin to. Unless she really was a murderer but I doubted that.

My vision got blurry. Crap. Now I was crying. Was it because I had spent so much time in Akando where if I was lucky I would get a hello before orders? Was it because I had felt so unreal and alone for so long? I didn't care. There was someone else like me.

"Your... You're... I... What... Hi." Escaped my maw.


Word Count: 304
Notes: Aww. Poor confused Holitorn. :3
I accidently kept switching to 3rd person. xD

[I L Y I C H]

My head tipped, orange eyes whispering forward. It seemed odd that he was confused by my presence, not that my inclination lead me to take action. The creature across from me held bloody limbs tot he ground, and this alone peeked my interest, drawing some sort of curiosity from the iron box in my brain. Self injury... but in its earlier weaker form. Taking a small step forward I droped my head, allowing my scared nose to inch closer to the lion in question.

Such beauty he held, drenching his legs in its gorey tide. Blood was such an attraction, turning everything it touched the same beautiful shade of crimson. Parting my jaws once more to let the scent draw into me, I shifted closer still. It did not occur to me in that moment that perhapse this lion could be dangerouse. It was a companionship, tangable int he air. I had never met a fellow masochist, and it was odd to look upon this creature and think his mind may work as mine did.

But his words scratched that out.

This Akando lion held no relation to my emotionless heart. His own heart was bleeding and he wanted his body to bleed as well. That would be his problem, or so I would guess. Pulling up my head and narrowing my eyes I stared at the other. A lion larger then me, but younger still. Leopards would always be smaller then lions, though my frame stood just a bit taller then average. Leaning back and stiting, totaly unafraid, I watched him for a long moment as he stuttered. "Like you?" The words whispered from me in my normally low tones. Despite my inner excitment, weak and watery as it was, I could not visably show it.

The scars ravaging my frame tingled as if they felt the interest placed upon them. Not a one reached where I could not create it or force another to make it for me. And yet they teemed across my shoulders and burrowed into my stomach with joy. More then one could have resulted in my death, but that had always been the point hadn't it? To suffer so I could live or suffer so I could die. Either way I won in some supossidly disgusting portion of my heart.

"Ja. Hallo."

[lapara]

The leopard spoke. It was a simply greeting but it made me so happy. She actually talked to me. It was not very much, a simple two worded greeting but it was more than I had gotten in a long time.

I walked forward and tried to get a better sense as to where this cat was from. Zonta. Her sent gave her away. Soon others would come and they would know too. Not much got ignored in Akando. At least intruder wise. Even out here in the desert wasn't totally safe. The fact that she was from Zonta wasn't a plus.

"What are you doing here? Don't you know this is Akando? You don't know how cruel they are? They'll kill you, or maybe keep you hostage to get others from Zonta." I said. Panic started to fill my voice. This leopard I felt attached to. I didn't want her to get hurt worse for some reason. She already looked like she was on the edge of death.

Not to mention that I would get in huge trouble for talking to a Zonta cat and not turning her in. They probably wouldn't kill me because I was one of their best fighters, with my knowledge of how the body works and what hurts the most and whatnot. But they would do something for sure.

Something got ahold of me then. I went up to the leopard and put my forehead against hers and said, "Everything is going to be all right. I know I don't look like I should be talking right now, but it will be okay. Coming here is suicide or worse. I'll get you back to the border, but please don't come here again or I'm afraid of what might happen."

I stepped back and waited for her to react.




Word count: 311
Notes: Crappy and short but oh well. I got the story moving. Hopefully that doesn't scare Ilyich too much. xD