To Think I Hated You }{ [mahal]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

It was sort of a relief. Kind of. To have the woman go. I dare not think her name. Such an action would only further guide me to the depths of damentia. I already spoke to myself far too enthusiasticly, mumbling my little rants and answering my own complicated questions.

Hello Bidziil.
Hey!
You doing well?
Seen better days. How about you?
Eh, same here.

I shook my head to throw aside the insanity. I could not let myself be gone. I needed to have my head for when Nimrod lead his attack to rescue me from these heart-filled monsters. I wouldn't last long here, not with my eyes so freely laying upon the silver fae with longing intent. I had lost control and I did not approve of my own actions.

You're a bad dog, Bidziil.
I know.

And then that wretched whip. I had thought these dogs could protect me, but they hadn't. I must have had those bloody scars replanted. Don't they see the humans all around the camp? They're in the trees. In the bushes. Hiding beneath the sand. And every time I thought the names of my kin, they lashed me.

A gurgle of agony passed by my lips as I threw my legs over my skull. I had been laying down with that replica of me behind me. How had he let the human lay a whip on me? He had been such a peaceful child and now he only watched as I was beaten for toying the word kin. They're the enemies.

A whimper passed by my hidden lips.

[I L Y I C H]

But trust me to take you home
to clean up that blood all over your paws

The whine was low, but I heard it. Just as I heard every word that slipped from my father's maw. Large black ears flicked backwards, arching themselves back once more to the massive brute's demons. I had no idea what to say to the man. I couldn't decipher my heart. For one I wanted him to listen to me, but in this state I doubt he would listen even to himself. Second I wanted him to feel something, something other then the fear and loathing that he seemed to think he was hiding. His sounds kept making me wince, making my toes curl and drive my claws into the dirt.

Can't look at him. I can't look at him. I wanted to talk to my Father so very much bit Mother would be upset with me if I did. I had to but I couldn't. The needs warred with in me like dragon's the white and the red tangled and flaming within my gullet. Yet, as it always has the white beast came forth victorious and loyalty died under curiosity's flames. Air swooshed into my lungs as my jaws parted to suck in that final deep breath. It was as if I were turning to dive into a pool of unsure depth. Ebony mask slowly turned to look upon the cowering frame behind and bellow me, and my face took on a look of utter pity. Perhaps this was not a thing he wanted, but it was all I could feel.

Pity.

He used to be so big. Didn't he? Didn't he use to be so much bigger then me? Skoll why is he so small now? Why am I so much bigger then him? It didn't make since. I couldn't make it make since. I was never meant to be bigger then him, but then logic said it was only so because he was laying sprawled upon the ground. It was more then that, though. In my mind and in my heart I was bigger then him. A shudder ran through me as I stood, tail hanging limp behind my ruffled ink hued form. Who here was the eldest? Who here should be the one making the other feel better? Who he should be taking on the role of father? Dammit. Maybe that pity wasn't just for Bidziil.

Biting into my tongue I turned fully to face his broken form, eyes resting painfully on the grayish scars forming on the brute's scabbed back. Is this was fear did to you? Is this how pain breaks people? A whine of my own slid past my lips, thin lined as they were. My ears fell backward, pressing against the thick hair along the back of my neck even as my head dropped. "Bidziil, look up please." It was almost a beg, the tone used. It burnt my throat on the way out. "Is something the matter? We... we can talk about you know" Because, dammit he got what he wanted didn't he? It was my turn to burn him to the core, even if it was with kindness.

A breath blew out of my lungs, the taste stale and lifeless. A pitiful smile winced onto my lips, the edges crumbling slightly. Would he turn away from me? Did he think I was only here to hurt him? A shiver ran up my legs as I moved closer and sat down again. I would not tense, though. Nothing could make me tense. I had carved tissue from his shoulder that would surly scar at some later date. If he wanted to scar me back then let him. Bidziil deserved that at least, if nothing else.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

It spoke to me. That little fuck, how dare he? I pushed myself to think these things but the venom dissolved in the fluids of my heart. His name teased my senses, harrassed my emotions. My son. Mahal. The child of Carska.

Shit, that dreaded name.

I lay frozen for countless moments, refusing to appease him. Folami don't talk, they act. I was a good folami. I always had been.

Why was everything in past tense?

I found myself glancing over my shoulder at the boy, emerald eyes longing to sit on his scarlet. The humans could deal with it, but I loved my boy. No amount of pain could change how I felt, only how I responded.

"I wish you were right." I waited for the whip's crack, but none came. My eyes found images of the humans staring from the shadows, but not approaching. Confident building, I looked back to Mahal with a pained expression. "You've grown so much." With that I lay my skull back on the ground, back to the boy.

I had missed his whole life, he didn't need me back in it now.

[I L Y I C H]

But trust me to take you home
to clean up that blood all over your paws

"I am right" The words came gruff and thick with stubbornness, and I couldn't help the way I sounded exactly like my mother in this one instance. She was my mother after all, and as I stared down at my father with a rumpled brow I felt the contours of my face fit into an expression that had pestered my mother in those earlier happier days. I am right. We could talk about it. we should be able to talk about it. Ocher eyes glanced up, flicking about as I looked for whatever it was that occupied the brute's attention.

He would talk to me. I would make him if I had to. Smile for once gone, as it was replaced by a determined frown I stared down at Bidziil's prone form. There isn't anything there, but I don't say as much. It would be rude, after all. Who was I to point out some break? Mama said everyone would have at least one in their life, she'd used Paradox as an example though we were all still unsure of the cause of the man's insanity.

Bidziil's quiet words shocked me out of my reverie, and I looked at him in surprise. I... I guess he was right, I was big now. I was at least as large as mother, some day in the not to distant future my agile frame would find it's self at height with the once massive creature sprawled before me. So big. He use to be so big. With a decent level of conflicting emotions obvious on my face I inched a bit closer to the man, shuffling my hindquarters along the ground as I did so. Another deep breath blew into my lungs, the captured air rolling about for a moment before being expelled. "See, we're talking now ain't we?" Mother would shudder if she could hear me now. One ebony ear flicked as if chasing away the thought. My ways of picking up Abeni's strange ways of talking had always made my grammar nazi mother go mad. Would they annoy Bidziil into responding to me?

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

OOC//: So, I decided that I Hate Everything About You is sort of Bidziil's and Carska's current theme song. Haha. I love that song.

You’re letting your dark side rule your head
There was a time when you gave a damn

I denied him an answer for what seemed to be an eternity. I stared sideways into the trees, watching the humans with an intimidated challenge in my eyes. I wanted to talk to my son, but the terror ran deeper than the scars. I had come to the point where I hated living, but it was against my engineering to take my own life. And I was a selfish masochist. A damn good monster.

I used to be.

Turning my eyes to the young man, I scowled at his word choice. I knew he was taunting me; he had to be. "Damn lioness." I grumbled the words like a tormented child, eyes staring at the ground in agitation. No son of mine was to be a kittenhugger. I would not stand for it. I was a monster, but I was only so to their eyes. In the eyes of my lord, I was a good dog.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, letting a retarded cat teach you." Was I any better for having let her live? Sure I had used the training toy excuse, but we all knew the truth. I had shown Abeni compassion for Carska. Well, that is what I fooled myself into thinking. If I was to be honest, brutally honest, I had cared for that unfortunate cat.

"Uncle Alpha. Uncle Bidziil." I rambled the two names that the lioness had come to call me behind my back. To my face I was sir, but my ears had caught the pet names. I wanted to kill her each time I heard her say them. But I sat rooted, secretly loving every moment of it. "I'm a kittenhugger. Kittenkiller. What?" The mindless babbling continued, head up now and eyes staring past Mahal into the empty darkness of the trees.

Empty? Where had the humans gone?

A sense of relief flowed into my limbs as I stood slowly to tower only slightly above Mahal. The humans had abandoned their post, unhooked my chains, for the time being. But what does one who has never experienced freedom, do with it? They curl themselves into a corner and weep.

"Kill them. Kill the cats. Family. Not right." I shook my head with the word spasms, tossing around the thoughts and hoping they'd fall into a coherent line. "Love them. My children. Mine." I laid back down, paws over my skull. Freedom is an awful burden. I wanted my leash.

[I L Y I C H]

Don't look down.
Take a step.

Eons passed in my mind as I waited, listening with the intensity of a beggar about to be fed. It would seem for the longest heart beat that my father would ignore me and continue his mental games, but the words came forth eventually. Squash hued eyes locked onto the dried blood clipped into Bidziil's iris', searching though their owner was unsure of what he sought. Never the less a smile cracked on lips at the first sentence, the edges disproving but glad all the same. Abeni wasn't a 'damn' anything, she was my cousin and Bidziil's niece whether he liked it or not. My smile became a bit more petulant, though I tried to wrestle that emotion away. We all had to give up some amount of control in some matter or another. Abeni's spot in our family was Bidziil's blip of control.

As much as I fought it a frown slammed down upon Bidziil's thoughts, clamping around his words with a viciousness that shocked even me as my heart seized between divided loyalties. In the end loyalty to what I felt was right bit me in the butt and had me giving my father a disappointed stare. wasn't I suppose to be the son? The younger inexperienced prat being looked upon with fickle sadness. My frown grew deeper, the pull of muscle creating a crease along the smooth from of my brow. "I should be ashamed for being..." The words trailed off as anger over took them, and I almost bit of my tongue in the motion of cutting them off. No. I wasn't here to argue with him. we would have to meet in the middle at some point. "Abeni may have been mentally challenged, but she was good fun." My head tipped slightly. "We picked things up form one another, like all friends do."

Silence over took me again as I listened to him, watched him with a crack in my facade as he rambled. Once upon a time Bidziil had been made from stone. Once upon a time Daddy was unbreakable, invincible and perfect. Even after these long bitter months I was still shocked to find that he was in fact mortal. It is a thing all children face at some time or another, but I couldn't get over it. It seemed so wrong. The frown on my face slowly slid into the conflicted replica of the one upon my father's face. "What?" It was an echo, nothing more. I knew I couldn't help him through this process. Biting into my tongue I scooted backward just slightly, watching anxiously as he stood. A breath sucked itself into my lungs as a more childish edge crept into me. It felt as if my heart were suffocating, trapped by pressure and heat in the painful twist of my chest. "I love you too, daddy." It was simple and quiet, but couldn't think of anything else to say. My body followed his down, settling as close as I dared before with a short bought of hope I reached out to touch him.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Branded like an animal
I can still feel them burning my mind
I do believe that you made your message clear
I think I am losing my mind

How could I father a child who dared to respect and enjoy a lioness? How could I show pride of a son who chooses one of unpure blood to be his mate? How could I do all the things that I do and still claim the title of Alpha? The lords thought me a hint below perfection; if only they knew how broken their machine had become.

I whimpered a pathetic sound, the man's touch bringing a searing pain. Or was it a desireable heat? I did not know the touch of pleasure anymore; I had been denied it for too long. Each twitch of contact had been a deadly blow, so how was I to react when Mahal inched forward and made his paw touch upon mine. He had said those forbidden words, but so had I. I should of pulled away, cut the ties before they formed. But I didn't. I didn't.

I opened my eyes and pressed emerald with emerald.

"You are my son." I stated the honest truth, though it would seem an insignificant, or obvious, statement. But I knew my boy would see the deeper meaning to my words. My scarlet hues would tell the story of what each syllable represented. Mahal was my son, the one whom held my dearest devotions and absolute adorations.

"And we will pull through."

[I L Y I C H]

Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

Pathetic noises raise from the dirt and I stared back a whine of my own permeating the air. Tainting it with emotion, like humans taint the air with poison. Was this what hope felt like? My tawny eyes felt thick, though I didn't feel like I was about to cry. I knew what that felt like form experience. I felt oddly full. Bidziil hadn't pulled away from me, and I could feel his pulse under my paw pads. Life blood flowed through his veins, and I couldn't help but thinking that 'he is indeed alive' and not dead like he pretends to be. Not soulless like he acts. It's there,warm in his flesh somewhere or another. It was in there somewhere, deep inside. Hidden from whatever had caused those scars digging so viciously across his back.

His words provoked it, brought it out. I could see it, right there, in those brilliant crimson eyes. "As you are my father" A poor response, but one none the less. A sigh spilled, dropped into the air to push away the ill will. The bad feelings. The ill will. Everything had to change, if we were to continue looking one another in the eyes. Everything had to become right again, or else teeter off some unknown height. "We are strong, father. We will always pull through." My smile slid back into place, velvet lips almost purring their joy at having it back. This was no fake smile, not the mask I pulled form the walls of my sanity to hide the imperfections. It was real. True and precious; my heart sand with it. If Bidziil was ready to make amends, make this right then so was I. My paw tightened, squeezing down on it's clone, the original that had made my replica. "I've missed you, father."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

They won't go down without a fight,
Those silent voices of the night.

I didn't respond. How could I? I broke away from the eyes I had met. He loved me and, even worse, I loved him. The terror sat in silence, leadening my heart with the stones of what I knew. Love was forbidden, and forbidden things done would be punished. The true question I had to answer was if I thought my perfect Mahal, my precious Carska, my poor Ekshen, my beautiful Alonda, or my dear Cenzulome were worth it. In truth, they were none of those things. Mahal was not perfect because he knew kindness. Carska was not precious because she lead our kind to their demise. Ekshen was not poor because he was too weak to pick the true Folami ways without question. Alonda held no beauty because she now stood beside the cats of the jungle, if only through Carska. And Cenzulome was no dear soul, for I knew he had not killed a feline.

But rules were becoming so hard to follow. Guidelines had been forgotten for so long now.

I knew I could not stand strong enough to never waver towards my family. I was not who they are. I would not love the felines I was bred to destroy. I would never be able to help a child learn to hunt by whispering words of gentle advice in their ears. I would never be the Bidziil my children had known, my woman had loved. I would be who I could for them, but never could I make a promise to be that way always. The little voices would always whisper that I was either not good enough, or too good for them. I would never be allowed the joy I broke free to obtain before. I was created to be a machine, and when machines forget their place, they are empty. But I would try.

I would try for my family.

Continuing to look to the ground, I slowly shifted to pull my paw away. It pained me to do so, but I knew I had to for Mahal. My next words were said wit a hoarse voice; the voice of an old man who has seen too much to allow himself comfort, who knows too much to allow the illogical to play logic. "Your mother would not be please with you calling me father. I have not been a father to you and I do not deserve such a title. I am a prisoner of war...perhaps I am even unworthy of that."

[I L Y I C H]

Pulling away, as always. It didn't hurt, really... I had been expecting it after all. Never the less my toe nails gripped a bit harder then necessary into the dirt under paw. Loss of that warmth, of the knowledge of life seemed almost wrong. I had always been tactile with others, but to be able to touch my father. That had been the single greatest accomplishment of this early battle. To feel the warmth of blood pulsing beneath my paw, coursing through a body still strong enough to fight... I crossed my front paws, pressing the pads together in an effort to pretend. Ocher eyes rose to inspect Father's crimson set, staring away from me as if I were gorgon. My smile remained intact, however. I would not break it, that reassuring lit to my presence. It was the only thing I could offer. The only thing I had to make others happy. Damn my own heart, they mattered more. They all mattered more.

"Mom would be upset if I claimed the sky was green too, you know." It was a light joke, simply meant to avert his thoughts. I could see where they were going after all, I had been a member of Mother's search parties when she'd tried to find her heart again. I hated that look. That longing expression that everyone had but no one would ever do anything about. It burnt my eyes to even look at it. Burnt my heart too, but Bidziil didn't need to know that. Didn't need to see my own flaws, my own weakness. What mattered right now was my father, and his own heart in shambles after the storm. That had to be fixed, had to be glued back together in some manor. And there, the piece of the puzzle that we needed the most in this moment, though having my siblings along would have been brilliant.Mother walked past, obviously exhausted though her shoulders remained stiff and determined. The amazonian warrior queen.

"Mother? Come sit down please, before you topple over" The massive gray form paused, shifting it's lean sleek skull to fix tawny eyes on me. There was suspicion there, she knew exactly what I was doing. My smile ramped up a couple of notches, almost pleading. They were not stupid creatures, both of them would know exactly what I was doing. I was running on the hope that at least one of them wanted to fix this. At least one of them still had enough pieces to be willing to join in on craft time. The dubious noise that breached the surface lifted my eyes to Carska's face, watching in surprise as the strength there gave way to absolutely broken numbness. Turning about face Mother licked my horrified grimace once before half collapsing into the dust, back facing the both of us. Her boys. Her men. My eyes lurched back to Bidziil with an almost panicked expression that all but screamed 'say something- anything!'

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My mind was carried back to a day that seemed so long ago. A day in our undisturbed den in the center of the Folami camp. It was the day that Paradox had come to join our pack. Mahal had commented about my eyes and I had been thrilled to have him know his colors. In had taught him those. He knew the sky was blue because his daddy had told him it was.

A smile quivered past my rock-like gaze, eyes drifting to lay upon the emerald of my son's. It soon vanished, as I was given no time to reminence on the good I used to do for my children. The woman had come back from her mission, utterly exhausted. That in itself was not what caused my smile to flee. I knew she would have to take her place as my prison guard, but I expected her to send Mahal away and it be the icey silence I was now accostomed to. But, no, Mahal beckoned her to take a seat with us. Us. And then he dared to give me a silent plea, asking me to speak. His eyes were talking so clearly.

"Er..." Who was I again? The alpha, right? And here I babbled speachless nonsense to a woman of lesser rank. Equal rank? What? My mind waved franticaly as I returned Mahal's paniced plead with my own wave of uncertainty. What could I say to the woman I had sinned with? Oh, my dear, I'm sorry but my lords are more important than you. You were a mistake. I would be lying to say I didn't regret falling in love. But I would also be lying if I said I wouldn't do it all over again.

"You look well."

Stupid coward. How is she to know that 'you look well' is idiot's speak for 'I love you'.

Love? For shame!

[I L Y I C H]

I make the most of all the sadness.
Mother stiffened slightly, her hackles lifting. It was not, I knew, aggression. At least not true aggression. Carska did not know how to deal with her fears, and as such translated them into anger. It was the only way the great queen knew, and it broke my heart to think that inside her mind my precious mother was fighting a war between her heart and her logic. Bristled tail flicking once Carska loosened her muscles enough to lower her heavy head, settling the silver chin on her snowy white paws. "And you look like hell" her voice was low and cautious but it was there. My ears pricked, ocher eyes turning to my father in blind joy. Carska was speaking once more. Oh if Bidziil did not understand the significance then he knew her naught at all. Mother sent chilled silence to those who she hated. It was motion, and a forward one at that.

Carska did not move, her ruffled gray haunches remained the only image either of us received, but her tail loosened enough to wrap about her hind legs. There was a deep gash, healed now just above the tail's placement. I suppose she was trying to hide it, but in truth the blackness of the appendage only made the healing wound obvious. I could not help but wince. Another scar built by this man's words. But could it be consider as such? After all what would the humans have done to their perfect monster had Father denied them? Was he not protecting us just as much as himself? Frustration made it's way into my eyes, glazing slightly in thought as I watched my mother's silent musings. Oh I could almost see the gears in her mind turning.

The silver bulk shifted suddenly, turning enough to present one golden eye. My head lifted a bit, eyes widening with hope. That tawny gaze landed on me, a grimace pressing into ebony lips as a single ivory fang was bared in response. She did not approve of my attempts, but I would not put it past her to find me later and thank me. I wasn't stupid or childish. I was mature beyond my years, and it didn't take a mad genius to see the longing in them both, the pathetic creatures that they could be. Carska could say anything else, that much was obvious. She had fought herself to say as much as she already had. My chest thickened a bit. This was up to me then. Turning my slim obsidian snout towards Father I spoke up softly. It would do best, I think, to build sympathy before empathy. "What did they do to you're back?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Would it be wrong to smile with her words? She spoke to me, my Carska spoke to me! I felt my tail give a single wag before I caught it and chained it to my folded legs. I knew my woman well enough to realize her saying anything means I am not a pile of shit stuck to her paw. I may be dirt, but I am not shit. I could live with that.

Besides, I did look like Hell. The scars I had now made my former injuries look like jewelry. But I could not concern over that, my eyes had spotted the wretched scar from the wound received on Carska during my capture. That obnoxious voice said she deserved it for interfering with human desires, but I silenced the greedy shouts. They had hurt my woman.

“A Folami will only obey when they fear.” That was my answer to Mahal’s question. I had to be afraid of the humans for them to make me what they wanted me to be. “They had to show me what they could do so that I would see there was only one way.” There was a deeper tone to my words. A thought that was not there until now. Had I purely submissed only because I was afraid for my own life? I was a lot of things, but selfish was not one of them. No, the humans were declaring what they could do, what they would do, to my family if I hadn’t obeyed.

I repositioned myself to meet Carska’s eyes levely. I wouldn’t let her condemn me. I wouldn’t stop fighting for her. I didn’t expect her to say anything. I wouldn’t blame her if she never spoke to me again. But I had to let her know I was sorry, even though my words refused to form. Carska, you know me. Just look at me. I’m so sorry, baby.

But maybe she wouldn’t be able to see the grief through all the anger.

[I L Y I C H]

Carska-->

Everything was confusion. I wanted to hate him so badly. Wanted to grind him into the dirt for what he did to our children. What he corrupted them with. Oh because I knew had it been only me, I would have cautiously accepted him once more. My heart was a pathetic creature, and easily swayed by those within. It was the four pups that had kept me cold. Kept me distant. Yet here my son sat, going against everything I had fought for. I had wanted him distanced from this creature who would so easily deny the boy everything he needed. Yet Mahal sat in ignorance of my hopes. My need to keep this sliver of happiness to myself. The boy looked at me with a stern expression. Demanding, and my skull lifted from it's placement to stare back.

When had this ebony pup grown larger then me? As he was indeed full sized now. Yearling that he was he was not filled out as well as he would be once the muscle texture was complete... but. Tawny eyes fled from the boy's shape, locking on the fathers with sudden finality. It occurred to me now that I had not looked upon this man in months, even as he remained in my camp under my guard. I had not seen him. Those wounds that I had smelt were healed over now, the scars a marring grayish-red. His fur rumpled about them. Yet that face was ever the same. Always the same. A breath sucked sharply between my fangs as he spoke. Not so much out of anger as out of furious relaxation.

Mahal made a low unhappy noise in the back of his throat, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy. He did not want to think of his father being abused for us. Because that is what this was about. My mind had cut it off and ignored the truth. Selfishness was not a trait Bidziil had ever possessed. My jaws parted, lips dry as I continued my staring. "Mahal go play with your sister." The boy looked up sharply, ocher eyes minutely passionate. Oh yes you evil little shit. You won. Now run along. He stood swiftly, stretching and offering a swift uncertain bow to us both before rushing off. He made no motion to find Alonda, instead rushing towards the scent of his precious friend. Clarimonde would be the front for his victorious blathering it would seem.

Still entirely focused on the man before me I slowly allowed my frustration and confusion to press forward. Allowing him to see it. The mask chipped just a fraction. "Don't look at me like that." Dammit I know. I know. Biting my tongue for a moment I finally gave in, if only partially. This was the first time I had seen him firm in these weeks. These months. He always seemed so distant, yet here he was looking me in the eye with the demanding stare of a beggar. "Just say it." Out loud, because I'm sick of trying to understand your hopes and dreams through sign language I do not speak. I am sick of trying to reason out your pains and sufferings from a distant look that I can not penetrate. Just tell me. Just tell me so I can tell you everything I've needed to.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I watched my son leave, a small twitch faltering my expression. Carska had directed him to his sister, who resided in the total opposite direction of where he headed. His paws were carrying him towards that no-good mutt. A small scowl filtered across my lips, but I swallowed my pride and shoved away the distaste. I had to trust my son and his judgment. Trust. But nothing in the contract of trust said I had to like it.

My ebony gaze flicking back to the ocher sorcers of my former beloved. Or maybe not so buried…it sure felt like how it used to. My heart beat with difficulty as I fought to hold her gaze. The love was still there. The humans could beat me into a state of blind terror, but they couldn’t cage what was set down by fate. There was true wolf blood flowing in every Folami’s veins, and that was enough to give them the capability of emotion, if they were willing. I used to think my emotions were my brain telling lies. I was a machine. I couldn’t feel. But with time comes wisdom; I had learned that love was not something your mind and pretend.

She wanted me to say it. To quit with the mind games. Do I appease her? Could I? Was I strong enough to put sounds to the words that floated so challengingly within my mind? Of course I was. I was a Folami. But more than that; I was living, and not merely something constructed by robotic limbs. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I should have been.” I may have done the only thing possible when I was take by the humans, but that didn’t mean I had to listen to their taunts after they released me. There had been another option, I was sure. I forced the pack to split so that Carska would run away with our children and hopefully find safety. But what if I had just run with them? I had no tracker in me, as far as I knew. I could have up and left. I could have killed Nimrod when he suggest to war against the pack. There were so many things I could have done, but I didn’t. I was no hero, even when my conscience tried so hard to convince me I was. I had taken one route out of many choices. Yes, I did it with selfless, heroic, compassionate intentions. But there had been other ways to have the same results, while still keeping me with my family.

“There’s no excuse why I was not here to teach our children how to hunt.”

That was what it boiled down to. I regretted missing out on my children growing up. Maybe it was good that I hadn’t been here to taint them; but, we’d never know.