Gone Away Awile {bhu}

[I L Y I C H]

oh how it's so hard to last here
waiting for something to give

Pain wasn't constant, but it gripped my body now as I skulked forward. Fighting to ignore it I placed yet another paw to the dirt; eyes narrowed to slits. It had been days sense Noelle's departure and my emotional separation from the man who had caused such trauma. What had been going through that thick skull of his? What could possibly have been horrible enough to posses him to destroy an innocent child? Revenge? Was Al truly filled with that much hatred and I just had been too blind by the idea of a friend to look it full in the face? Dammit I was so sick of questions. So sick of thinking. Couldn't my brain just shut off for a bit. Just shut off and never come back on? It would do so eventually, sooner rather then later, so why have to suffer emotionally as well as physically?

Interesting.

That was the first time suicide had passed through my mind, even if in retrospect and with another tiny step fighting to ignore the pinching swelling pain at my gut I stared downwards in an effort to concentration on it. Was this for real? Caught up in my anger my selfishness had leaked through. But could it really be considered selfishness? Not that it really mattered, I wouldn't actually do it. I wasn't ready to stop fighting. Yet me being me I couldn't help the way my mind wandered as I slowly and carefully settled into the grass peering into watery sunlight. Clinically I thought over my future as I settled my head down beginning to grow dizzy. At some point the pain wouldn't go away. The nausea wouldn't be negligible. Would it grow to the point when I very much wanted to die?

Drifting away into my thoughts I went limp under the grasses, all but vanishing in it's softly scented embrace. Again the thoughts of selfishness pooled forward after a long internal contemplation. I had wandered out here mostly to deny Alphonse the right to see me in pain. It seemed a silly idea, but it was something very personal to me. It felt right to simply remove it. Because dammit Alphonse. He had ruined everything. Lost himself in the haze of rage and destroyed something out of pure hatred. It wasn't a thing I understood or could truly grasp. I'd never hated another in such a manor. I hadn't been here to see the war. Hadn't had my mother killed before me by some unknown warlord's soldiers.

In fact I hated my mother. I didn't know what it felt like to be removed from someone like that. I didn't know Al's mind. Didn't know a thing, and yet here I lay judging him as I floated in the numbing expanse of pain. I just didn't know. Noe was gone, lost to her own trauma. Alphonse had up and vanished. For Dio's sake Simba had been on guard duty the night before. Curling slowly into a ball I wrapped around the numbing throbbing and the beat of conflicted confusion. Wondering. Was this how it felt to be torn in two? Half of me so wanted to beat that fucking moron over the head until he had permanent brain damage. The other half wanted to provide some sort of comfort. People broke. They snapped and broke and there wasn't anything you could do about it, but the death of a child?

How was I suppose to react to any of this?


-gone away by safteysuit

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My feet hurt. My head hurt. My body hurt. Everything was in pain—from physical discomfort to emotional distress. There were only a few things I was certain of. For starters, I had murdered my nephew—uncalled for, unjustified, and barbaric. Secondly, Noelle had left. It had been in discussion when I had run off, but I knew there would be no other option. I was a threat. I was happy to see her go. Third, I hated myself to an unbearable degree. I was no better than my brother or that white demon. Actually, I was worse. Mother had said that her family blood-line carried the unfortunate burden of a genetic predisposition towards violent behavior. I remembered it clearly—it was one of her good moments, so I never allowed myself to forget. She had sat me down and told me to always watch where I let my heart go—to guard myself from getting tied emotionally to anyone. She explained that she had fallen in love and having that broken had twisted her into something she hated. I knew this was the closest she’d ever come to saying to loved me, and the closest she’d ever come to apologizing for demonizing me my entire childhood. The finally piece of information I had any assurance over was that my actions had hurt Zero, and this bothered me even greater than the pain I had caused Noelle. I had harmed Noelle so fiercely that she was willing to trust the brother that had murdered our mother. I had done something so wrong that the murderous kin who had never had any part of our life besides to kill Anna had every right to be the better sibling. Still, despite all the family affairs, my actions had torn Zero and this made my heart heavy. I had seen the look in her eyes and the way she shoved me on purpose.

It was with this in mind that I had turned around after running a great distance, and began a journey back. Now I could smell Zonta in the air and I searched through the scents to pinpoint Zero. I found it and tracked it until I came upon that familiar huddle. In my own selfish actions I may have alienated myself from Zero. I needed to help her in any way I could, but what I had done could have perhaps broken a rift from too deep to cross between us. I could only pray to a god I did not believe in anyway that somewhere in her heart, Zero wanted me there. I stepped forward with no hope in my eyes. Defeated and filled to the brim with sorrow, I put my nose to the tip of Zero’s ear and whispered her name in a barely audible volume. “I’m sorry.” What else could I say? Perhaps some might think I was apologizing to the wrong person, but this would be untrue. Noelle had Ahote now. The man was a black demon in my heart, but he had promised to protect her. Maybe blood obligations were clouding my judgment, but I felt myself trusting his promise. Zero, on the other paw, had no one else to turn to.

There I was trying to be the brave knight again. Truth was, I could live without Noelle, as much as I loved her—the thought of trudging this world without Zero scared me more than any white tiger or murderous brother. I said it once and I’d stand by it now; Zero made me want to be a better person.

[I L Y I C H]

oh how it's so hard to last here
waiting for something to give

And of course my tactics hadn't worked. Thoughts spilling awkwardly away I only grunted at the sounds of words. Him and me both. We had some explaining to do. Some apologies that needed to be passed about. Not right now though. I didn't have the strength to speak. It would come sooner or later, and if he really had any intention on listening or talking he could sit down and wait. Was there even any point to apologizing from his end? As horrid as the entire thing had been I'd seen the self hatred and horror that had welled up in that pig headed man's face. Alphonse hadn't meant to do what he'd done, but then that didn't make the past any different. Didn't change the blood staining the liger's fangs, or his heart.

Slumped close to the ground I shifted enough to press heavy hind paws against the man's thicker legs. Plucking distractedly at the thick fur there I didn't offer up much in the way of anything. Pain had clouded over thoughts and the acidic edge to my normal thoughts had been replaced by a child like apathy. Everything was clouded over. Weak. Feeling numbed out and floating on a cloud of toxin I couldn't really focus on anything. head dropping back to the dirty I tucked my chin against the thick fur of my chest, hiding from the sunlight. The migraine was getting worse, egged on by the dizziness clinging to the edges of everything. Letting my hind legs drop once more I tucked myself together carefully; falling back to ignoring whomever it was that had shown up. I couldn't remember. Couldn't focus long enough to care.

ooc:// SHORT

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I pressed into her touch; let her pick at my legs. It was when she pulled away and curled into herself that I finally became alive once. Right now was not the time for heartfelt discussion, simply a moment to press into her and offer silent comfort. This is what I did; I moved closer and lay with my side against hers. I leveled my breathing to that of a calming rhythm. I knew Zero was gone; one could not keep their mind when their body remembers nothing but pain. I would try to fight her tumor’s torments with calm gentleness. Perhaps I was being hopeful, or even a bit naive, but I believed pain could be beat when fought with its opposite.

I managed a purr-like sound as I laid me head as close to hers as I dared—a whisker length between—and said nothing. Oh yes, I wanted to be angry and I wanted to be sad. I was a selfish monster in most instances. The world was mine and I would be sure to have it all focused on me. At least, this was how I was before that day I had found Zero huddled alone in a heap of agony. I could not watch that again. It had only been a short period of time I had watched her writhe in pain before she gurgled back to me, but it was enough to scar me—to brand my dreams nightmares. I could not let her be alone again. I would not.

OOC//: And there is a short reply for your short reply for my short reply for your long reply. And I just confused myself but I know what I meant…owo

[I L Y I C H]

oh how it's so hard to last here
waiting for something to give

Drifting I couldn't focus on anything but the random tendrils of thought that brushed my conscious. Everything seemed a fraction too far away to deal with. Sounds chirped at the edges, but whatever they were went mostly unnoticed. Too muffled to pay attention to. Who knew how long I remand as such? Just floating. Who could tell? Not me. Not the heat and weight I could feel at my side. Whomever it was. No. It was Al. Who else could it have been? Whiskers twitching I gave a small mewl, weaker then I cared to admit. After the age of silence that I knew had descended the sound seemed abrupt. It lashed away the blankets covering my ears and replaced it with a quiet buzzing. Such an annoying sound, but then at least I could almost hear again. The white noise continued for a moment unfazed before it began to peter out, taking the dizzy turning of my brain with it.

Cracking open two watery sapphire eyes I glared into the pale light with something akin to confusion. I'd been talking. I could taste the dryness on my tongue. Maybe that wasn't the best way to remind myself. But I could remember vaguely. Noises. Heat. Ears unfurling I turned my head just enough to peer sideways hissing lightly at the influx of sunlight. Yes. there he was. I knew I wasn't going completely mad. Well Mr. Alphonse, do you have something to say to me? Not that I was really in the position to seem demanding. My body still trembled lightly; muscles growing acquainted with the nerves that had begun to function once more. Staying in my tucked ball I only shifted enough to place a clamped jaw in the mud. Not making any real effort to seem interested in any way I let my eye lids droop.

He'd apologized for something whenever ago, but I wasn't entirely sure what. I wasn't the one who's son was dead after all, so what had he been after? I couldn't provide him with any sort of comfort after all; we were in the same position. I'd ruined just as many relationships as he had for the same selfish violent reasons. Perhaps I had never gone so far as infanticide, but I had been close on more then one occasion. I wasn't the one to accept apologies of this kind, or apologies in general. This wasn't my arena. Wasn't my task or something I was comfortable with. Yet here he was plopped next to me with his words out and his mind waiting. Not able to recall if he'd had anything else to say I remained in my exhausted little huddle and just thought for a moment. "What?" I sloppy muttered after that moment, unable to articulate a thing.

ooc:// I give you full power over the length of time zero was out owo anything you'd like she did or whimpered or whatever is okay by me.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I felt like I had never known anything but pain. My heart was spitting out its little lightening bolts of agony as Zero quivered in discomfort beside me. My efforts were proving futile. I wanted to comfort her but all it did was made her pain my own. Why did I even care? Why did I care so much that feeling her tense muscles beside me make my body ache? I had never had that before, the ability to feel another’s pain. I had only ever focused on my own. Perhaps it was because I cared that I lay beside her and drank in her quivering, whimpering form and accepted the shocks of electricity coursing through me with the motions. Mother had said that caring leads to nothing but hurt. The woman had gotten a lot of things wrong about me, but the more I grew, I decided she was right on many things about the world. Actually, she was right about me, too. I reminded myself about my actions the day before. I had killed a child out of revenge. Yes, I was as much a piece of shit as mother had said I was. It was in my blood to be a backstabbing male. I bet Noelle and Ilyich regretted defending me from Anna’s accusations now. I wish they would have just let her beat me down enough to join Ende. I should be in the pride of the damned and the selfish.

Ah, but wasn’t it Ende that had saved Noelle from me?

The woman beside me made a sound before maneuvering to face me while still lying down. She questioned me and I simply stared at her, my own form still lying down, eyes boring into hers as her chin sat in the muddy earth. I blink as I watched. I wanted to position myself to stay pushing into her, but I instead shifted to lean against a tree beside me, tail flat out behind me. I finally looked away from her as everything came flooding back. I had been crouched beside her for an hour now, and in this time I had fallen into a comforted trance. For one, I was in pain seeing Zero in such agony. However, in this time, I had let myself forget about my sins. I had found myself daydreaming that this was a different situation. That Zero and I were pressed up like this for a reason other than to comfort her pain…

For shame!

Throwing my head sideways and closing my eyes while angling my face down to the dirt, I let out a sharp huff of exasperation. What had gone through my head while I played shrink to an ‘unconscious’ Zero? My ears back and eyes still closed and downcast, I finally formulate a thought to words, my tone guarded but only loud enough to come above the rain. “How often does this happen, Zero?” Perhaps there was even a plead hiding behind the forced hardness of the tone. I begged the god I did not believe in that this was a rare occurrence, this pain Zero found herself overwhelmed by. I then begged to this false god to help me understand why I was so overrun with concern. My body ached and with a miserable grumbled of defeat, I let my oversized skull clump down into the mud, the filth splashing up tiny droplets to speckle my stripped muzzle. Turning green eyes to Zero, I simply watched with a hopeless expression on my face.

[I L Y I C H]

oh how it's so hard to last here
waiting for something to give

I waited in silence, not really wrapping my mind around pauses. I was sure there had been one but who the hell knew how long it had been? Not me. Laying quietly I thought for a moment, but in the end I was too tired to think up a good lie and knew I would be called out if I tried to flit away from the actual question. Why did it even matter to him? Damn Alphonse, always showing up right when I needed him the least and wanted him the most. It always seemed that my mouth went dry and the pangs began and there he was in all his damn monster sized glory wandering towards me with the same conflicted look on his fat face. "Not too often." My standoffish tone was somewhat lost to the dryness of my throat. "Twice a month at most."

I wouldn't bring up that once upon a time it had been once a month. Before that once every few months. At one point in my life I had never felt that gut curdling sluggishness. Never been in such quiet agony. Oh yes it was slowly progressing, but that wasn't something the liger needed to learn about just yet. He seemed stressed enough without the additive of my own personal problem. It wasn't as if it would really effect anyone else anyway. Just me. A part of me, the rational half, said Alphonse was only attaching himself to me because I wasn't in the way to judge him. Not in the way Ilyich looked to her 'brother' with slack disappointment. Nor the way Ciel now openly avoided be anywhere near Alphonse.

The other irrational bit wanted to demand why he was so insistent on always being here, and on staying the entire time. Oh yes that was another thing. it seemed as if the boughts were starting to last longer. not just cramps anymore. Goody. Frowning into my paws I gave a low grunt before forcing myself into a slumped sitting position. "Don't really matter all that much anyway." Grimacing slightly and stretching out one limb at a time I released my claws and let them grind into the soft muck the earth had become. Mud clung to my underside, but that could be taken care of later. Right now I simply just didn't care. "What are you doing out here anyway Alphonse?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Twice a month. That was too much. I would not break down into tears while I lay in front of this woman, but I could feel them push at the back of my eyes. I merely watched her, trying to read to be sure she was being honest. Did I say twice a month? I meant twice a week. Silly me. But those words didn’t come and I could see not dishonesty in her. Twice a month. I had to be sure to hang around enough to lay with her at least twice a month. Or have someone else around to do it. But no, she has told me the first time that no one else was to know. I would honor that. I had promised her I would so I shall. No matter what life through at me, I was not one to break a promise. I had never promised Noelle that I would never hurt her, so I had not broken any promise. In fact, I could not recall another time I had made a promise. It was easy to claim I had never broken a promise if I had never made another one before.

Doesn’t matter, like hell it doesn’t matter. I lifted my skull slowly and merely stared at the spot pattern on the woman’s underside. My green gaze bore down into the dancing blacks and browns, focused intently on counting her hairs, it would seem. I would not blow my top on her for such a comment. It did matter, but I could not push her too hard. I did not know why I wanted her to realize it did matter, at least to me, but now didn’t seem like the right time. Let the woman breath. Let me breath.

“I’m out here…because I have nowhere else to go.” The words came out slow, each word dragged out carefully as I continued to stare at her belly. It was as if I thought that if I stared hard enough, that wretched tumor would become intimidated and up and run away from me. Maybe it could, if I focused a little harder… “I murdered my nephew, Zero, for no goddamn reason that can be justified. I have no seat on Zonta anymore.” I paused, finally looking to my paws, giving up my staring war against the tumor’s presence. “Not like I have any real connections there, anyway. Noelle was the only one remaining that wouldn’t be happier with me gone. Well, congratulations Alphonse, you dumb-fuck, you fixed that.” I was in hysterics by the end of the sentence, the tone as if I actually believed I was talking to another and not directing the statement to myself. I could not be a child murderer. I could not have hurt my dearest sister. I was the King of Zonta, damnit! I could do no wrong. I could do no fucking wrong.

[I L Y I C H]

"You reacted." I responded sharply, unable to help myself. I knew how that felt. You don't have time to think you just leap and damn it hurts but it's done and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. "If I clawed you right now it would hurt like hell wouldn't it? And what exactly would you do about it?" I eyed him with a hard sapphire stare. If he thought he was getting sympathy here he was wrong. Scar tissue is tough. Carefully articulating past the dryness of my throat I grumbled crossly at him. "You killed a kid Al. It's been done and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it, so it's time to start freaking out about it and start working past it." I had always been a big believer in the past is the past and the future can wait. What you do now counts. What you do right now could change the way the world turns but if you are too focused on something that happened back in the dust you might loose the chance.

Maybe it was selfish of me but my fur bristled in response to his next set of words. I couldn't help it. I had always been far too sensitive. "Oh yeah, good. Right then. Who the fuck am I? Oh that's right just plopped out here listening to you bitch. Yeah nothing." Eyes ice cold as I slammed down my barriers I stood abruptly and almost toppled over in the process. Snarling to regain my composure I hobbled away from him with a growl in my chest. Who the hell had I been kidding. This fucking liger couldn't see past his own nose let alone his blood line. Family was everything in Zonta, and that had been obvious from the beginning. Ilyich and Vengrad were adopted into it. Noelle and Al born into it. The rest of us were just interlopers. Just there to fill out the ranks. but dammit it was pathetic how sharp the thought dug into me. If I had any sort of liquid left in my body I would be tearing up.

Well hell maybe I'd cry blood. At lest that would freak him out.

"Fixed it my ass. Try forced me into helping you wander around in your own damn head like a child." I snapped, yelling into the wind knowing it would wrap over my shoulders and slap back towards him. The intensity was bit lost as my voice cracked and broke over the high tones. Oh yeah cause who needed a broken friend? Who needed silly little Zero who went around attaching herself to everyone like some sort of desperate friend whore. No one that was who. No one needed me, and that's why it wouldn't matter when I just fucking dropped dead. No one would notice or care. It didn't matter. No one cared about silly little Zero and her silly little absolute panic attacks. Dio dammit. Jaws parted as wide as they would stretch I still couldn't get enough air the heavy rasp of my breath quickened even as my head started to get light again.

It was always nice when I found the time to work myself up into hyperventilating. Always nice. Didn't matter. Refusing to simply sit down and wait it out like I should I kept walking-hobbling- away breath wobbling even more then my body as I sucked and sucked it into my lungs and the bastards refused to extract any of the oxygen.

ooc:// watch as they both over react and scare the shit out of each other o:

[/justify][/size]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

This was not at all the reaction I expected. Hate, of course. But anger for my words and not specifically for me? How could Zero not condemn me for my sins? How could she be upset that I despised myself for my actions? And to think I insulted her with my thinking I was alone...it blew my mind. I could only get to my paws and stand rigidly, eyes following her in a confused stair as she grumbled out her words. I was speechless. Everything in me had said Zero would hop along on her merry way and be damn well pleased that I had dismissed her so. But no. She was hurt. Hurt that I thought so little of her as to claim I now had no one.

Oh, but I thought that was what she wanted me to say.

In one bound I came to stand in front of Zero, forcing her eyes to meet my own. "And I am thankful for that." I said the words in a rough tone, but the gratitude was so heavy in it that it seemed almost gentle. Zero had not even the slightest idea what her presence did for my nerves. Yes, her being put my mind into a strange war that was foriegn to my understanding, but it eased me, too. Her being around kept my mind steady--or at least more so than at any other time.

I arched my head downward and aimed to put my forhead against hers without thinking. Even as I realized, I did not try to stop myself. Screw my self-absorbed, tough guy wannabe. I was a child. I had never been given physical contact as a comfort but an inborn instinct made me thirst for it. I nearly broke my solemn expression with a grin before I caught myself. I was being silly to tack my antics onto a need for physical comfort. The truth was simply that I needed Zero, and this simply gesture was all my reserved brain could figure to do to show it. I sent a prayer to the god I had no faith in that this one movement would be enough to let Zero know that hidden behind my carelessly tossed words, I did care. A lot.

And I would do anything to show it.

OOC;// Did someone order the world's shittiest post? No? Well, you get it anyway -.-

[I L Y I C H]

Ignorance was my own best friend. My eyes avoided his at all costs as I sucked in the air required to take me back down to safe levels. The heat of Alphonse's closeness was not lost on me and it took a bit to ignore that. So maybe I was kidding myself if I said I didn't enjoy leading this dumb bastard around by his whiskers. Maybe I was kidding myself that I didn't take comfort in his knowing and understanding. Al was a real compassionate fellow down under his layers of fluffy annoyance. Grimacing thickly at his tone, knowing full well what was undertoned I was about to deny him any right to say such a thing to me but went abruptly still and rather un-breathing the second he touched me.

I had this thing about touch. It freaked me out; made me feel fragile, a thing I knew I was not but alas. Then again perhaps this really shouldn't surprise me Alphonse had touched me before. This felt different though, for no determinable reason. That broad ginger skull pressed close to mine, showing off the real size difference between us two. Warmth radiated form the touch that wasn't quiet the same as the others. He was trying to tell me something with body language but he should know by now that where he was awkward I was just as bad if not worse. At least I found it in myself to relax. Slowly at first I was rigid until the muscles began to loosen.

Turning my snout to the side I pressed my nose into the thickness of the fur around his cheek. How incredibly silly this was. Blood everywhere and here we were plopped together almost warm despite how cold it seemed to be now. "Your a fucking dork."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I questioned how Zero would react to my touching her. She was like me in many ways, one being the intolerance towards physical contact. My mother’s contact may have been well-meaning at first, but it had quickly evolved into abuse. Touch made me remember the burning of her shoves. She never hurt me severely, just shoved and pushed me around. It was mostly mental in the agony. I had been a child, and I had simply wanted my mother to lick me like she did Noelle and Ilyich. It had left a sour taste towards contact branded firmly on my heart. Yet here I had reached out to another much like me and neither of us had pulled away in revoltion. In fact, this woman found herself burying deeper into my thick cheek-fur. That had to mean something, didn’t it?

Those words, they seemed to awaken something in me that I couldn’t quite understand. I smiled into the side of Zero’s face now, a true gentle smile sitting small on my massive head. My head was rather big now, wasn’t it? At least compared to Zero’s. It shocked me to see how much I had progressed since Anna had died. I didn’t feel like I had aged since being made alpha. I still felt like a child—afraid and confused as the world spins while I stand still. Yet, here Dio was giving me something to help me get moving again—something to help me grow up. Ah, there was the god I had believed in as a child. Anna had spoken fondly in her earlier days with me, but as time wore on she had forgotten Dio. I had not, not after all this time. I had denied my god, but I felt him now.

“Perhaps, but at least I am not a stubborn mule, like you.” Well, maybe I was, I admitted silently as I said the words in a goofy challenge while I pulled myself from this woman. Perhaps I was not quite ready to grow up just yet. How could someone be ready to grow up when they never get to be a child? I had always been working for my mother’s love that never came. I had gotten in my fair share of trouble, as all little boys do, but I still felt robbed on my childhood. Come on, Zero, play with me! My eyes said it all as I dropped into a crouching position and stared up at her, butt in the air with a swaying tail. I was sure this woman had never been a child before, either. We needed to be kids before we grew up.

All we had needed was someone to tell us it was okay.

[I L Y I C H]

Completely taking by surprise Zero responds with a quick paw sending the fat Liger over on his ginger head and runs off snickering. Good luck finding her btw Al. Leopards are famous for being able to vanish and - oh. There she is. She tripped you again.