Desperate measures [Bhu]

[I L Y I C H]

For a first effort this feels kind of last ditch
I guess this just got kind of drastic?

Scuffing at the sand under paw I gave the hare in my jaws an almost sadistic shake of my head before dropping it into the pile with the others. It was rather ironic in all actuality. My anxiety had sent me booking out of camp where I normally contained it. It had flooded into my bodies desire to hunt. Daddy would be proud. Then again these were rodents so maybe not. Staring down at the little pile I gave the thick dark fur a scorching glare unable to contain how upset I was within myself any longer. "Sad that. It's always what you've done best." Right good thing that. Failing at everything. It was all rather pathetic. Here I was with the stitching of my pack so tight nothing could tear it down, and yet my own personal fiber broke and stretched every which way. Over a boy.

Fuck maybe I had depression that would be an easier way to deal with this then to have to admit that I was so singular a being that I could only focus on such a particular area of my life.Then again I had always managed to be the one far too connected to others. With my uncle dying I had no connection. Mother was close to me yes, but I couldn't press such a thing on her either. Not with Father about to leave. Even during the happy times our family managed to break me into little pieces. "Wouldn't be royal without the gut wrenching agony, of course." Tearing my ocher gaze away from the food with a low grumble I slid away from the pile not even bothering to cover it this time. The scent of Folami would be enough to keep even the worms away.

Skulking back into the curtain of rain I sneered openly and felt the water drip between my fangs. It felt brilliant in the oddest way to finally show what was inside. My entire being was often wrapped away and hidden. Thoughts and feelings weren't the same thing, and my mask was so rarely broken. Yet here I was all alone in the rain soaked to the bone and punishing the bodies of dead animals that I had killed perfectly humanely. It was all incredibly odd.But it made me feel better. Made the pent up horror spill out in the form of aggression. Daiade had always been the one closest to me. Mother and I loved each other but we had very similar ways of dealing with our emotions and that didn't make for a very open honest environment. Uncle had always given out his heart. Always been the kindest most open individual I had ever met. And tomorrow morning we were going to say goodbye to him.

Oh I knew it wasn't forever. I knew where he would be going and I knew Skoll couldn't contain that sort of compassion. But death was still very real. He would be gone from my physical world. Gone from my everyday life. He would be happy and peaceful somewhere else but that didn't matter to me at the moment. Selfishness spilled it's pain into my gut and with it came guilt and with that came anxiety. My entire being felt as if it where being pushed into a box that it couldn't possibly fit into.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My paws were silent as they fell into the swelled land. The rain was coming down evenly, but I had expected as such. I felt as if I would never be dry or warm again. Right down to my core I was chilled as the skies mourned whatever it is skies mourn. Or maybe it was the gods that created Skoll and Dio that cried for their mortals’ pain—because that was all we knew anymore. I could see it in Mahal’s gate, not to mention the plain out words of pain he spoke to nobody but himself.

Was it wrong that I paused in the shadows and only watched? Was I a horrible man that I could not bring myself to approach this broken boy? Should I be shunned because I was having second thoughts about this whole thing? Yes to all of the above. I was scum for considering turning tail and walking away. Mahal would never know, my scent and sound masked by the rain while the shadows ate the image. He would be no more broken if I did so now then he was when I snarled at him with his admission. The difference between now and then would be my own heart. I had scowled at him before because I thought he was wrong—now I knew what was right and I simply denied it because it made me uncomfortable.

Fuck comfort. It was clear we were not ever going to be comfortable again in this damn world.

In a much more brisk pace than I had meant, I trotted up to this ebony man and placed myself in front of him. Fear wrapped its icy fingers around my heart, which made me only stare into the ebony orbs that were his, my own ice chips round in surprise, mouth slightly ajar in a silent question. I had to be stronger than this. Mahal needed a friend right now and, Skoll damnit, I would be that companion—I would not have it any other way. “Mahal, I—“ Okay, so maybe I did love this man, but was it wise just to burst from the shadows and proclaim it? Fuck my damn pride. I had always relished in the risk of going against society, as did all those who had openly become kittenhuggers and/or Skoll worshippers. What made this time any different?

With a deep breath I closed my eyes and forced myself to take the leap of faith. “Mahal, I love you. I am so sorry for being such a dumbass these past few days.” I opened my eyes and leveled my eyes to demand his gaze once again. “Forgive me, please.” The plead was heavy in my voice as I fought to contain the swell of emotions that demanded escape. I would not have an emotional meltdown right here and now. Mahal had his own troubles and did not need to be buried in my petty emotions. I just prayed that I had not just made his problems worse.

Skoll, I sure hope you knew what you were talking about.

[I L Y I C H]

For a first effort this feels kind of last ditch
I guess this just got kind of drastic?

The shadows separated and my first reaction was to suck my being back into it's neat little shoe box. Face cracking back into it's normal quiet smile I locked ocher eyes on a pair of ice chips and froze straight to the bone. Grin cracking in two I dropped into a small frown. Logan hadn't spoken to me for days. Hadn't come anywhere near me. Which I couldn't really blame the man for. After all look at me. Look at what had spouted out of me in a time when I was quiet obviously taking advantage of him. Because no matter what was going through my head I had indeed tried to take advantage of this ebony coated pastor. Dragging my lips back into their proper, painful, position I gave Logan a small dip of my muzzle in greeting. It didn't seem entirely appropriate but I had no other idea of what to do in this particular situation. Daddy hadn't taught me how to do this dammit. Then again even if he had he probably never would have gone over men.

My name fled out of his mouth and I just shook my head. "Yeah.Yeah, I know. I'm stupid okay? Shit just... comes out of my mouth sometimes." I wouldn't say that I hadn't meant it, because I had. I did love this odd dog. I couldn't help but be attracted to that sort of empathy. He knew pain in a way that I could not comprehend. Perhaps it was the broken pieces that drew me forward. I had always had a problem with trying to piece things back together that would be best for me to not touch. Logan didn't need my help. Not in the way that I wanted anyway. Why would he? Dammit it was stupid and silly but I just wanted to touch him. I wanted to know what he felt like. I wanted to be a boon, and though I always seemed to function in that manor I for some abstract who the fuck knows why reason I wanted to be his specifically.Not that it mattered.

Or...? What the fuck.

Unable to articulate words in response to his outburst I stared blankly, mouth falling from it's elastic strap into a gaping disorderly state of confusion. "What?" Blinking once I leaned slightly to the side, as if such a thing could make the words settle into my brain properly. "You- what?" Oh but I was being stupid. Protective. I knew what he meant. Knew it. I knew what it felt like to desperately need to hide from the person claiming such stupid things as love. Then again perhaps that wasn't the biggest reason behind the reactions. Sucking in a short breath I felt my ears fall back and allowed a certain amount of hope to kindle. "Ah no. You don't have to say anything- ah. I'm just processing." Tail raising slowly to kink over my back I stepped forward feeling and almost awed expression pull over my face. "You realize this entire thing is my fault right? Why are you apologizing?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Shit. Shit. Shit. I had done something wrong. I had moved too fast. I had spoken in haste. I had misunderstood him entirely that other day. I had been in a terrible state of mind, it isn’t surprising that I had fucked up the translation. We were brothers. That was what he meant by ‘I love you’. He loved me like Paradox loves Syntax, like Ayita loved Kamau, Carska loves Daiade. Or maybe the love was more like how Carska and Newsoul love each other. The very best of friends since childhood. I had was only a small number of months older than Mahal, we were children together. We have watched each other crumble and rise over and over again. That kind of love. Kinship. Yes, I could still save myself from this one. I could still say how I feared friendship because I fear losing anyone. Yeah, that is what I would do. I would—

The judgments never came. I had not misunderstood Mahal. The shocked expression wore off and the man said he was the one at fault. What wrong had he done, honestly? My eyes narrowed as a small burst of anger came forward. Evangeline wasn’t the only one that could be hot tempered when someone puts themselves down unjustly. “Don’t be an idiot. What wrong did you do?” I snapped the words aggressively as I moved closer to the lad, my nose just barely keeping from touching his own. I was tired of people denying themselves and thinking it was so wrong to let someone else take responsibility. I had been doing it these past few days after I had decided that I did care greatly for Mahal. Evangeline, Skoll, and Jeremiah had fixed that and now I had to fix Mahal. I was not my father, who fought with a gentle kindness about him. I was still Rhonda’s child, too. Where I got my morals from dad, I got my temperament from mom. “Why should you apologize? Am I so horrible a person that you feel you wrong me because you are true to who you are? I am not Bidziil.” I stopped with those words, shame flooding forward to overpower the heat of my anger. I looked away. “Sorry, that was a low blow.” My voice was soft. We all knew Bidziil and how he was. He did not adapt to change well. He would not be happy if one day Mahal told him that he liked a boy.

Of course, I picked on Bidziil here, but the truth was, I feared many dogs would cast their judgments upon us—dogs from Bidziil’s pack and, more importantly, dogs from Vea Apxn.

[I L Y I C H]

For a first effort this feels kind of last ditch
I guess this just got kind of drastic?

Fur bristling slightly I let my head fall slightly sideways confusion sliding through to become blatantly obvious. What had I done wrong...? I'd been pressuring you you numbskull! I took advantage of you and it was wrong and-. I'd done a hell of a lot to apologize for but then that was something else I was good at that seemed to be failing me lately. Frowning intently I decided to not interrupt and instead placed my butt on the cold wet ground and stared. My shock just fizzled further and further into me, and he was just gonna keep pounding it into my head wasn't he? Dammit Logan. My ears tweaked slightly at Bidziil's name but otherwise didn't react. Logan had a point after all, and though I may have forgiven my Father that didn't mean I was about to forget what he had done to me.

"First off if someone tore my throat out I'd probably apologize to them" After all I would obviously have had to do something personal to them for them to want to kill me right? That made complete sense. It also made for a good example of my behavior however so I would go with it. Flicking the end of my tail in a very feline manor I dipped my snout forward still trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. He'd just confessed to me. In the rain. This seemed incredibly cliche to me, but the more logical side of my brain was blank as to what I was suppose to be doing with the side that was screaming and running about in manic circles. "Secondly, why would I tell you I loved you if I thought you were a horrible person?" Well. All reasoning was lost then. It was word vomit time. "Not to mention the fact that I can't hear anything right now because my brain won't shut up but I guess that would make sense- ah. I'm rambling."

Closing my mouth for a full second I blinked owlishly back towards Logan. "Huh? No. It's all good. Bidziil deserves it." Okay so maybe this random encounter (of the best kind) had derailed my previous train of thought but I was still bitter. And Bidziil did deserve it. For all the close minded stupid things he came up with, and everything else. Dammit. I hadn't thought about him. He... wouldn't be happy about this. This. Holy shit this was a thing. This had just happened. It didn't- oh shit. I was well aware that my jaw had gone slack again but I couldn't do anything to retrieve it from the ground. "This isn't some weird hallucination is it? Cause I haven't slept in at least three days and that wouldn't really surprise me all that much" I made a face, knowing that wasn't it but not being able to ascertain proper reality at the moment. But he was right there and maybe he could hold back but I had always needed touch and I arched my head enough to just brush the end of my snout against his own. Testing.

Well I didn't go through him so that was a good sign.

I guess.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I couldn't help but smirk at how this man handled himself. Despite being upset with him for taking the blame for my faults, I was amused. It was true. Mahal had always been the one to apologize to a rock when he walked into it. Those little quirks had not gone unnoticed--by me anyway. By Skoll, had I always watched Mahal with a close eye? Being a couple months older, I found that I had guarded over him when I could, and simply watched when he would play with his siblings. I had dismissed it at the time as quiet jealosy for him having siblings, but thinking back I realize that was foolish reasoning. I did not want siblings--as rightous a man as I tried to be, I was selfish with my parent's love. I would not share them when I was growing up. Another wonderful trait I inherited from my mother--'look at me, dammit' possessiveness. As Mahal had gotten older, I had become friends with him, but had always let Val be the brother to him. I had been shy of Mahal. Because he was a prince? Sure, that is how I justified it then.

Oh shit, I have always been interested in him.

This opened a door in my heart that I would have rather stayed bolted shut. Evangeline had seen this long before I had. She had always said she wanted me to be who I was and with who I wanted. I had always assured her that I was right where I wanted to be, and I had believed it. She never seemed convinced but she'd drop it and carry on. Evangeline knew that I loved her greatly--but I had loved another before I had ever even knew her. I shouldn't be too surprised; Evangeline had always been the one most intune to everyone's inner emotions.

Ah, but Mahal was speaking now and I did not have to force myself to focus on him once more. Oh, but I am a horrible person. You don't even know what path I almost took. Dare I tell Mahal how close I had come to joining the original pack just for the lust of blood? In time, perhaps, but right now was not the time. Right now had to be a happy time because, damnit, I wanted my smile to mean something again. I released my anger and simply laughed as he rambled, and realized he was rambling. I said nothing in responce, knowing he had more to say himself. He said Bidziil deserved it and this made me bite lightly down on my tongue. To hear such a judgment come from Mahal was strange for me. Mahal seemed to be the only one in the pack that thought Bidziil had a chance at redemption. Well, actually, Ayita seemed to appreciate the man a great deal--ever since he walked her down the aisle the two have bonded. But it wasn't the same. Ayita was seperate from everything Bidziil had done. She had been an omega when Bidziil had been taken, and has stayed on the sidelines ever since that time. Yes, she had attacked him from behind to protect Alonda, but that was just her doing her duty for her pack. If it wasn't Paradox or Kamau related, she had no emotional tie to it.

Seems as if Mahal isn't the only one who rambles.

Focusing my attention back onto Mahal--again--I caught his question. I smirked in amusement, but it faded when he touched me lightly. The inborn instincts said that touch was wrong, a bad thing. Father had told me what touch means when a folami is being trained. I had never gone through the harsh training handed by humans, but I was raised by dogs afraid of touch. It carried to me...yet a small voice overpowered the boom of my instincts. I moved into his touch and pressed my snout softly into the fur around his cheek. "Does it feel real?" I breathed the words quietly, maw arched to whisper the words into his ear. This touch, it felt okay. No, no not okay. I admitted to myself that touching Evangeline had been okay, pleasant on so many levels...but this...this was different. I loved Evangeline, but she had respected my apprehension towards touch and never pushed me. I wish she had.

Daddy and mommy were wrong. Touch was great.

[I L Y I C H]

For a first effort this feels kind of last ditch
I guess this just got kind of drastic?

Leaning carefully into his touch I let my eyes narrow slightly with pleasure. I was accustom to this. Touch equated comfort to me despite all the harshness it could carry. I had learned from my mother that restrained touch was the show of adoration. We being what we were were destructive beings. Designed to be lethal and volatile. Gentleness was a thing hidden deep and turned away from the world in so many circumstances. Mother had always made a point to say that quiet touch was the true action of love. It made me wonder if she had ever considered this road for me. That inkling closed my eyes fully as I sat silently. Just breathing. Despite the cold and the rain sloshing down across my pelt I could feel the warmth emanating from his face and it made my chest heat up. I knew that feeling. Love had a way of crushing every other feeling out of your chest.

My ears flicked slightly in surprise at the breath ghosting across them and with a sort of backwards embarrassment I pressed my snout deeper into his fur ducking my skull against the warm expanse of ebony along the side of Logan's throat. "Not particularly, no." I spoke the words into his fur, pressing the heat of my own breath through the inky strands. Relaxing my body the rest of the way I waved my tail slowly behind myself offering up a more obvious bodily show of just how real I felt this was. Ruffling my fur up slightly to avoid the chill that had begun to creep into the areas not in contact with the larger folami I found myself pressed against I nuzzled slightly forward letting out a low sigh of complete and utter joy. Was this what I always felt I was searching for? Logan had always been my friend, though not particularly close. I had tried to get the shy boy to come play with Val and I. Had tried to gain his attention. Had I always been seeking this? It was an interesting thought but not one my fogged brain really found incredibly important at the moment.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I couldn't help but give a hearty laugh at his responce as the man leaned further into me. He was right--this didn't feel real at all. Who was I to recieve such a gift as this? I had abandoned Skoll and cursed his name, and now he let me have the opportunty for happiness again. I did not feel like I deserved it in the least, but I was not one to return a gift out of self-hate. In fact, like my mother, I was quite possessive. I had taken over Evangeline when she was alive--not in a 'you're my possession' sort of way, just in a complete need and loyalty. I would fight to keep what I thought I needed, and right now I needed Mahal. I could feel my anger being washed away as I moved closer to the man, stealing his heat while giving my own. My insides were fluttering in excitement. I was actually looking forward into camp smiling without my mask on. Would people notice or would we have to spell it out to them?

"I suppose we should get back to camp." I suggested it half heartedly. I wanted to stay here, even in the silence of the pattering rain, forever. Then again, I was curious, and perhaps even eager, to move back to our homebase. Perhaps it was morbid and Denerbe-like, but I was curious to how dogs would react. I had never been one for wanting attention, but maybe seeing a dog of Skoll would encourage more canines to be more honest with themselves. I was one of Skoll's missionaries, and Mahal was the prince. He could deny it all he wanted, but he had influence over these dogs. I felt needed for once in my life--I had a mission. We would revolutionize the hearts of our kinds.

We would make a difference in the lives of those willing to take a leap of faith.