Why Am I Afraid to Break Down? }{ aw

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I DON'T KNOW, I CAN'T SEE, WHAT'S COME OVER ME.

I barked a call to the pack. They were not going to like what I had to say. Some may even be hostile about the matter. Who was I to make decisions that affected each and every one of them? I had said it myself—I was not the alpha, Bidziil was. Yes, I had been his second in charge after Vindicate was killed, but that did not entitle me to alpha position after Bidziil’s leaving. Contrary to Lucifer’s beliefs, only the humans could make an alpha. A dog had to be created with that intention in order for it to be valid.

Yet, here I called a meeting to let the pack know I had made a decision for all of them.

I inwardly cursed myself. I had never lied, and I did not intend to start now. I had promised Rickalaru and Carska peace, so I would do all in my power to make it happen. I should not have done it, but what is done is done. Besides, that was not the heaviest announcement I had. Yes, I would try and force everything to ignore the rebel pack until the humans said otherwise, but I felt most of them would grudgingly accept that. Hunting the felines is what our programming demanded. Sure, we wanted to kill the competition, otherwise known as the ones who are putting our existence in jeopardy, but it was not built into our instinct so it was a mindset we could overcome.

It was the fact that I had invited Rickalaru to our pack to teach us how to care about one another that may very well lead to an uproar. I sighed as I waited for the dogs to gather, hoping they would humor me enough to be curious about what I would call a meeting for. However, I would not blame them if they disregarded my signal for a meeting. The honest truth was that I would ignore me, if I was not the one making the call. It went against my instinct, or maybe even moral fiber, to respond to a dog of equal rank. That is what we all are here; equals.

I almost said please to the dogs, asking politely with a plead, for them to gather without restraint. I caught myself, cursing. I was falling apart. That woman had destroyed me. Part of me hated her, loathed her, for coming to the land that day a week or so ago. Then again, I was itching for our next meeting. Rickalaru had become a bittersweet part of my life, much like how Denerbe was to Carska. A dog that I hated to have around, and yet, I felt I could not live without.

Life was getting along so well before, too…yeah, right.

[I L Y I C H]

I came forward in shadow, more out of boredom then any other reason. Dear Nimrod had made a new decision, and it was time for the lord to drill his uncertainty into his fellows. Change was upon us, and the future grew paler by the day. Ebony form all but absorbed by the darkness it was with light surprise that Moran found me so quickly. Sharp tawny eyes catching his own maroon I nodded and the beast came forward. To my elbow he now stood, and pride was rich in me. Good lad. Good lad... So many things to go wrong with a good lad. Corruption. Disloyalty. Uncertainty. Coldness crept into me as with a silent swish of the tail I began my march forward.

Moran padded along side, silent aside from the soft shift of fur and muscle. Soldiers we were. Spies. Assassins. Properly trained properly advanced masters at our arts, or in Moran's case protegees. We would follow the orders of our current master, but that did not mean we would take them happily. At least not I. Moe seemed glad to do anything for this golden eyed brute, no matter the obviousness of his conflicted behavior. Generals were not meant to question their duty, whatever that was. My own amber gaze snapped across the 'Alpha' now, latching onto his muzzle as his lips twitched. read the word forming there and felt a brow lift my own condescending grin pulling into place though it was swiftly wrangled into a more polite mask.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

He called and I responded. Simple as that. The black man, high on his boulder perch, glazed his golden eyes over us in anxious curiosity. Or perhaps it was uncertainty. He was the one I had come to know as my alpha; Alpha Nimrod. He denied it, but he seemed to me to be the only one taking charge. They all spoke of another man, Alpha they called him, but I did not know him. Once Nimrod said Bidziil, but he had quickly told me that I was of no rank to use the Master’s given name. He was to be referred to as Alpha.

If he was so damn wonderful, where the fuck was he and why the Hell did he need us supposed peasants to rescue him?

I plopped myself roughly beside Moran, body rubbing roughly along his side before I positioned myself to have a few inches of space between us. In all honesty, I had simply stumbled into the spot, but Moran was my best friend. He and I shared Theodora’s knowledge. I loved these two that I had fallen into groupings with. I looked to Theodora to read what she was doing before mimicking her focus on Alpha Nimrod. I elbowed Moran with an amuse snort. “Alpha Nimrod looks like he can’t figure out which way is up. Some Alpha.” My tone was quiet, but wildly amuse at my own insult.

I instantly regretted speaking my rude thoughts as Alpha’s eyes swiveled over to meet my own. He growled a warning sound, making me stiffen and lower my obnoxiously loud ears to flatten against my skull in discomfort. I wished to apologize, but Alpha Nimrod had told me to just not apologize anymore because I don’t mean it. Well, I do…but he doesn’t realize that. He says I don’t mean it because I will do it again anyway. That isn’t true. I might do again, but I will be sorry every time. Honest!

“Well, pack,” the Alpha returned his attention to the gathering of dogs, leaving me to pout with a lowered skull at his stern disapproval and dismissal of me. “A pact has been reached between Vea Apxn and ourselves.” Though he said the words with a strong, almost demanding tone, I could hear a waver in the background of it. “We are to allow peace between us and, in return, Alpha is going to be allowed the choice whether or not to return to us.” I blinked in confusion. A choice? He should not have a choice if he was made to be the Alpha! It is his responsibility! What if he says no? "He will be coming within the next few days, accompanied by a single dog, to give us his answer himself.” Alpha Nimrod looked to his paws when he finished those words and I couldn’t help but narrow my eyes in suspicion. Ears forward, their wide opening alert for even the faintest sound to purr past his lips, I decided the man needed a push.

“Well, spit it out, man!” My tone was equally demanding as his and it was answered with a harsh glare from the brute. That venom died as the man blinked once to regain control of his composure. I stared, not threatened by his prior expression. Looks could not kill. Of course, neither could words and yet I responded to them as if they could.

“A female of Vea Apxn will be joining us. You are to accept her openly.” He said nothing more as he growled that out in a dominating voice. For a man who refused the title of Alpha, he sure thought he could tell us what to do alright. This order was not an issue with me, I would accept anyone willing to be accepted, but Alpha Nimrod had some nerve to order Theodora like that. I looked to the woman as Alpha Nimrod leapt down from his perch once the order was given, and padded swiftly into the shelter of the forest. The rain roared to mask over his fading footsteps within seconds.

“So, Miss Theo, what do you make of that?” I was eager to drink in her reply. I would respond in whatever way she did. If she said that we would not obey, then I would not obey.

Well, maybe. I sure did love to make friends.

[I L Y I C H]

The boy at my side grimaced openly at his dear peer, though those vicious ocher eyes gleamed with a certain playfulness without. Moran stiffened his back sticking his nose up in the air with an almost imperial air. "Peasant what do you think you are doing? Touching such perfection" My lips curved, if only slightly. The small greedy smile however grew larger and more wolf like with my young student's insolence. Golden eyes flickered over Brian's ebony form, grinning with an inborn cruelty. Clever lad. Always question the leader. Always learn to be qualitative. An alpha was never perfect and his flaws must be noted, even if it was in such a childish manor. Moran parted his jaws, obviously about to respond, his eyes flickering but I beat him to it.

Settling down with a small bow to the man now looking my way I smiled coldly. "Oh but there is no up now lad. Only backwards." My older student looked to me in confusion, obviously trying to sort out the information from my criticism. Sharp grey ears flicked a top his skull as the boy turned his face back to Nimrod, eyes narrowed and mind doubtlessly perusing politics. It was with a certain comedy that I listened myself, half watching the shifting Brian and my calculating Nephew. Oh but my alpha. My general. This was not the way to absorb an audience. Or men had never been grand in the terms of their speeches. Dearest sister had always had that forte. Alpha took war to fangs, only his alphess had ever been clever enough to win war through tongues. Poor conflicted Nimrod.

A low growl came from me at the second sentence. A pact, obviously formed for numbers. Nimrod had finally figured out that we could not win this war. Well done. Going forward with his own he dug his deeper grave. Darling Alpha, giving choice. Silly of him. He should know the conservatism surrounding him. There was no such thing as choice here and such an odd idea wouldn't be accepted openly. And Brian's grudging stare told the world. Moran shuffled along side me and muttered under his breath. "Who wants to follow a man who elects to be alpha?" The lad had a point. This was a society built on militant understanding. One did as they were meant to do.

"Diction, luv." I conceded softly, voice slipping snake like into the air. Head turning slightly I gave Brian one low snarl. Terrifying as it should be, considering my normally silent demeanor I highly doubted my gleaning a reaction from the black boy and thus turned back forward with a light eye roll. "Patience. You will place words incorrectly on his worried tongue" Again the whisper was only for the two alongside, and it came like ink from a tipped well. Ears and face lifting forward once more I focused my unwavering stare on Nimrod's bulky maw. It was not until he had lept from his perch that I allowed my eyes to turn to focus on my two pupils now both watching me with interest.

"I saw cracks." My lips pealed slightly back, the tips of my fangs bared if only just. "Cracks in a soldier made general. Cracks in a soldier made flesh." Remaining sitting for a moment I let my eyes narrow before standing abruptly. "Children. Be awake at dawn we go south." And with that I slipped away shoulders jutting in a very feline like manor as I skulked after Nimrod's vanishing form. Just hearing Moran turn to ask Brian his opinion as I slipped away I gave a low huff. Brian's opinion needed to be trained. "Sir." Softly. So softly. My voice could not rise above a certain point and I had been told that I sounded frozen, but I knew the damage ice could do and that was not about to change. "A well put together thought worded poorly." I commented quietly, watching.

"I am interested. It shall be... curious to see how events unfold."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

OOC//: Those last couple statements made by Theo are to Nimrod, yes? If my assumption is wrong, I will change it :) Ah, and as an added note, this post SUCKS and I hate it and I want it to DIE because Nimrod is not supposed to be bipolar and uncertain and blahhhh....screw you Carska and Rickalaru for messing him up from my original path Dx

My mind whirled for some solid grounds to tred my mental paws on. That child, the new boy, he was quick to point out how terribly lost I was. Even an untrained puppy could see the conflicted images running through my mind. Ah, but he did not need to so openly point it out. I could tell even now that that new child would not be a friend of mine. Rickalaru may coral him into an open embrace, but for now he is Theodora's problem. I could not have such child openness around me. I hated myself enough already; I didn't need to know that everyone could see the cracks.

With the quiet sir I stopped in my tracks and turned around, ears forward, tail and head high. I stared at the wolfess, then happened a glance behind her. Brian was watching this wolfess , body quivering in a need to follow his trainer. His lips were moving and I assumed he was speaking with Moran. I could interpret the movements of his lips as saying 'I think' there was a pause as his tongue rolled against the inside of his cheeks in thought, 'I think we are in for some excitement'. I was not sure what Moran had asked, but the child gave a basic answer, still staring after Theodora, and occasionally flicking his gaze to me. His body was tense, eyes uncertain yet focused. Clever child, but oh so young in mind.

"Alpha was always the one for speeches. I was nothing more than a body guard." I turned my attention to Theodora now as I responded blankly to her statement. My words were a half lie; it had been Carska who could speak with effiency. Bidziil had done his share of successful speeches, but I believe even then Carska fed him the words to say. I was not angered by her speaking such things, however, for they were plain truth. I was an equal and equals can point out eachother's flaws. My ears pressed back as I let my shield crack. "Well, Carska was always one for speeches. Should Alpha choose to return, I cannot not imagine how he will rally the troops like before." There was a hint of uncertainty that leaked past the armoured tone. Words could not physically win wars, but they could increase morale and persuade followers enough to win them. Without Carska, I could not be confident about Bidziil's 'meetings'.

Shaking my head to clear it, I firmly planted the rock-like stare in place once more. "Curious...yes, that is a fine way to put it. I, too, am curious." I responded honestly, though my tone was hinted with disinterest. I was entirely interested, but I could not let Theodora see that. There was not a chance I would leak how terribly interested I was to see Rickalaru become part of this pack. I would not even admit to myself how curious I was. How awfully absorbed.

I shifted as I kept my heavy stare intently on Theodora. My gaze narrowed as I looked past her at Brian, who still watched, though he occassionally looked to Moran. It was obvious he needed to follow someone. "That new dog, the black puppy, you will teach him how to be a Folami, yes? Because right now he is nothing more than a waste of recourses." I scowled openly as I looked back to Theodora. "I do not want Alpha returning to a pack in disrepair. We do not need such open observation of the higher ranks." It did not occur to me that maybe Bidziil would not return. He had to. It was in his programming. My gaze faltered and I looked to my paws. "Not that there would be any uncertainty in Alpha. I would not suggest such a thing." Ah, there was that broken tone I too often used with Rickalaru as I wrestled with my own world.

Clicked my front heels together and standing tall with a cold mask sliding into its proper place, I refocused on Theodora in my bipolar fashion I was beginning to hate about myself. "Soldier, this pack will be the rulers of this forest again. We can not have dogs like him fucking it up." It was comical, the blank, rough edged, superior-like tone winding out a swear. I was so uncertain of myself that even when I tried to be myself it came out wrong.

[I L Y I C H]

I watched him quietly, listening to detail more so then the actual articulated words. Dear Nimrod, couldn't hide a thing. Why were so many of our species such poor liars? It seemed something that should have been inborn in the lot. "Soldiers need not be rallied for a war without end." Curious... yes. There was no end to emotion. To the detriment of emotion. To the brilliance of it too. No end to how it could be manipulated or augmented. No end to the views and vices surrounding it. No. This war would never have an end, no matter the outcomes of this generation. No matter the outcomes of the next. Like age old holy wars battles over ideals spark centuries of blood shed between the debaters. Golden eyes narrowed slightly, watching Nimrod with a near contempt hiding the zeal. "My sister has a tongue too strong and a mind too idealistic for her, or her pack's, own good."

A new thought passed as I spoke, snow like tones drifting through the air. Did Nimrod know my family connections? It was doubtful. I nor my nephew had made any advances towards that lot. We weren't exactly close and we didn't exactly look the same eye colour aside. Half of me watched behind a small pleasant smile for his reaction. The other half flicked an ear in understanding. Yes he would be curious. The ebony soldier suddenly pressed towards the fire that had created him. What a horrible thing it must be, to walk backwards as such. Loyalty was simple. Curiosity? That lead to affection. A wicked grin formed behind my benign smile hidden from view if not for the lurid glimmer in my eye. "The new season brings with it new knowledge and new paths through which to attain it." I added smoothly, tongue drawing lightly against the ridge of teeth within my jaws.

My paws black as night dusted over with mud tensed slightly at his next words, however. Perceived accusation made my eyes narrow if only enough to give an observant watcher note that my demeanor had changed. "That waste of resources is a clever little monster" The words came calmly, but the ice pricked just behind. "He will learn when to speak and when to watch." It was with mild disgust and a general air of contempt that I looked back to Nimrod after a short glance towards my students. "You should know better by now, Sir." My tail lashed sharply, feline like in manor, as I watched abruptly showing my full ire. I was not a woman to be trifled with, and not a beast to be prodded. "There is no purity. No truth. No normality. There is only us and how we use our resources to control."

Calming back into a pleasant little soldier I gave him a perfected expression of indulgence that could almost be seen as contemptuous but gave forward enough empathy for the message to be smoothed. "Who is this woman you are bringing amongst our ranks, General?" Eyes watched with silent intent. He would answer my question as he was too proud not to, or else ignore me and walk away. But I could read him like parchment. I knew how he worked and how he moved. Nimrod thought himself a blank slate and yet I heard his heart stutter when he felt fear. I could see his fur bristle if only slightly when his confusion got the best of him. Silly lad. I was no soldier. I was a mentor. A master. A torturer and an acquisitioner. Answer the question Nimrod. It would just be so much more simple then having to goad it out of you.

[/justify][/size]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

”Ah, but there you are wrong. Those wars with no foreseen end are the ones where rallies are needed most. Dogs become distracted or defeated if no well placed words are manipulated into their focus.” I smirked with this, having use a superior tone in a dry joking fashion. I was not an articulate canine, so me saying something in a drawn out, educated fashion like that was out of character. I had merely done it to joke while wording a true response. I honestly believed my words, even if I said them in a sarcastic, mock-scholarly tone.

Sister…I chewed on this a moment. This dog here was not related to Carska, so she must have just said the term in the same way Ayita used it; all Folami males were brothers, and all females were her sisters. However, as I twitched my snout to taste her scent, it did hold an eerily familiar tang. My gaze hardened as it sat heavily on the woman. Carska had no sisters from what I knew. It did not matter much so I could not afford to dwell on it for any length of time; it just seemed off Carska would hold such information to herself. Unless she did not know? She had not been aware of Daiade, if I remembered properly, until they discovered each other in the Folami pack. Gaze still quizzically set on the woman, suspicious, I forced myself to let it go. I simply nodded agreement with the words, using the motion to push away the accusing curiosity that had found home in my eyes.

With her defensive statement about the new dog, I blinked and visibly pulled my head back in surprise. My eyes questioned her, mouth slightly ajar. I did not scold or push this dog further, merely let my spinal fur prickle lightly while ears inched backwards, but did not fall against my skull. “Yes, I should know by now. You have it covered.” I pushed out the words with a hint of guarded challenge in the tone. I said nothing more on the matter, merely watched Brian turn his full attention to Moran as if the boy had said something, though I had not seen the child’s lips move. I concluded that Brian was simply waiting for direction from the older student. A man of orders, but only from his select few. That pricked a hole of unease into my heart. That dog could be loyal and obedient to a select few, if one of those few were Bidziil. I worried the man’s extended absence in the boy’s earliest development could cause Brian to become a slave to Theodora and Moran, but a danger to Bidziil. If Theodora or Moran ever got ambitious, all they need is ask the little black child and he’d creep in the night without a second thought….

Shifting, I angled myself to point more towards the canyons, eyes narrowed to squint past the heavy rain falling through the pines. “Come, let us hunt. We must not let the rain drowned us out of our lord’s mission for us.” It was not an order; my tone merely suggested an awkward invite. I was not evading the question, simply suggesting we carry it to other areas, one without Brian’s obnoxiously sensitive ears prying into what is said. Children tend to grab hold of information and twist it into something false and dangerous. I could not let Rickalaru enter this pack with a target predestined to sit on her forehead. Let her earn such a trial, for surely she will should she move to fast. In a low voice as I started towards the canyons, I said simply, “Rickalaru, a woman of the Vea Apxn pack.” Ask further questions further away. I pleaded it with my eyes, though they stared forward. It urked me enough if the dogs were to know she is a Vea Apxn canine. I would not say I especially trusted Theodora, but I respected her enough as an intellectual to know she held no prejudice. I found that she judged a dog based on their actions, more than their background. Far too many of our kind focused on where the blood lies.

Far too many would kill first, ask questions never.

[I L Y I C H]

I chuckled half heartedly, lips curling almost cruelty in response. Oh he thought himself clever but he'd missed the point. "Not when that war is life. One is raised to live life to it's fullest. A soldier is the machine of their upbringing, and my General these dogs don't know anything but war and it is how they live." Toy soldiers will you follow? Oh yes they would. Forever and always. Until a new generation came to take our mantle and forget our wars they would always follow. but this wasn't a debate and so with a light shrug I ended the thought process. I'd simply continued on in the effort to refuse loss. I would always have the last word, even if it killed me.

It was thus with a sort of guarded annoyance that I reacted to his words, though manly his tone. Nimrod you are not alpha. You have never been alpha. No beta speaks to me in such a way and does not regret it, but alas without the original Alpha here to doubt such ideas I could not act. My grievances would be heard later, or not at all. Nimrod wouldn't doubt me when he first sees my apprentices in action. teaching was my life, and knowledge my profession. There was not a thing on this planet that I did better or acted upon with more attention. One lip curled lightly at it's edge, the smirk almost hidden behind the quiet respect of a thoughtful soldier. "Sir, If I may. I am a mentor. That is what I do." A pause followed as my tongue fought to speed up to catch up with the process of my mind. "Should I have a pupil unworthy of my time you would know."

There would be a dead dog on you're door step.

Eyes turning slightly to the side I allowed a low growl to bubble out from between parted fangs. "You two were given directives." Most women would shout. Demand. My voice flowed like ice cold silk, quiet ready in all it's purposes to suffocate. Moran went stiff, I could hear his feet stop shuffling even with my back turned. Turning away but the sound of it the grey wolf slapped at Brian and scuttled off crowing now about the training tomorrow. Thus having removed the source of Nimrod's distrust I turned back to the man.

"I do not waste time on useless cases. You may have full trust in my ability to teach those with potential." My annoyance had calmed by the time I was done, turning into a sentiment that I hoped the ebony man could appreciate. This was my place within the pack, and though it infuriated me to have it challenged I could play nice and promise like a good little girl that I was playing the game by all the right rules. Upon his motion and order I followed without word. Questions were for those who did not know the answers after all, and my curiosity was not held by Nimrod's hunting tactics. I knew full well that he simply wished to run away before responding. Childish as it was, it seemed to be the constant social standing within this pack. Oh no the emotions are coming! Pitiful. it made no sense to hide such a thing.

Answer the questions fully and completely and you sounded brave and cunning. You gave you're pack hope for the future and a trust in their leader. Scurry away and you lost all of that. You built up a wall of contempt. Of distrust. It led towards the breaking of a good legion. It led to rebellion. My eyes narrowed slightly as I moved after the bulkier man, slim frame swaying as I staked forward in my usual silent march. Tsking my tongue against the roof of my mouth I waited until what I deemed to be an acceptable distance. raising my snout to sniff the air first before looking to Nimrod I gave an almost imperceptible frown. "There is a lion to the northwest. Odd. They don't normally track so close." A pause followed before I abruptly turned and padded in the aforementioned direction.

"You're purpose is to unite, yes?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The woman followed and I dismissed all earlier words that had slipped from her mouth. The order she had sent to her students had not gone ignored. Moran and Brian had stiffened obediently to listen to the frozen silk that wove towards them. At the end Moran contacted Brian and led the curious black boy away. Tomorrow they’d train—I had half a mind to request permission to watch. Ah, but now was no time to do such silly things. I was too fragile to dare try and do normal Beta things. Perhaps at a later date I would hold firm enough to witness Theodora in action.

Her mention of the lion carried my wandering mind back to the physical meaning of this walk. Those in camp had heard we were to hunt, so we had to return with a prize; or at least by out of breath enough to express a failed hunt. My last feline kill had been an ocelot; mostly muscle due to their active lifestyles. Lions were much lazier, so they provided better meat. Yes, a lion would be a great pleasure to the pack.

At her question of my motive, I paused for only a moment. This was not the reason, even if I had originally justified it as such. The reason also had nothing to do with my ultimate interest in Rickalaru, either. “Honestly, political reasoning plays no true role.” I continued my quiet footings towards the scent of lion. “Actually, it is more about—“ I broke off with that, a guarded expression swallowing my facial features. Dare I tell Theodora is more about morals? A small portion of my damn heart wanted the same family atmosphere that Vea Apxn had, if only to some extent. I still believed in deadly punishment, but maybe the way we teach would have some improvements. I would not alter Theodora’s techniques, for they work well for her, but I have even witnessed dogs get taught to be better warriors when they had no violence pushed at them at a young age.

With a rigid sigh, I chanced continuing, picking my words carefully and speaking in a hushed monotone. “Alright, Rickalaru is coming to see if she can teach us some family values. You know, how to actually give a damn about one another.” I looked sideways at the woman as I walked. “Perhaps help us with some less violent teaching techniques, y’know?” Glancing forward once more, I rolled my eyes. “It all seems rather foolish when I put it to words, but I think there might be some legitimacy to some of what Vea Apxn preaches. If only those damn rouges could learn to show some gratitude for their Creators.” The frustration bubbled out in a rough tone with that final statement. I felt in control again for the time being, my head cleared and wrapped around what it was I was thinking. When I took my emotion for Rickalaru out of the equation, I could think.

When I denied my interest, life seemed normal for just a moment.