You're Ugly Like Me. }{ aw

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I'M ON THE OUTSIDE

The roar of the rivers only barely masked my own rage. Yes, I was angry. My heart stung unlike any time before. There was someone I hated, and it felt so wrong to let that happen. I had never had the want to hurt anyone before, my mind unable to fathom the thought. But here, now, my roars to the rivers were a plead to whatever god there was to take that damn margay’s heart right out of his chest—to shred his bloody remains all over the muddy soils, disgraced as the buzzards pick at his maggot-infested remains.

Ayeeeee-iiiiieeee! I screamed a snarl of bloody hatred, the emotions ripping from my chest, tearing out of my heart with a fire that burned my deepest insides. I wanted that man to die in the worst way the gods could make him. No, better yet, I wanted to be the one to shred him piece by piece, tearing off his limbs while he was still alive. I wanted to hear his wails of agony, laugh at his misery and spit on his pleads for death. This must have been what it felt like to be Sherlock when he attacked that cougar of his former pride.

With a sudden rush, my hatred spilled over for my pridemate. He knew the margay; he had not warned us there were cats in Eznox that would kill innocent blood. Even in the war, Shenandoah had not harmed anyone. She had protected me with a few half-hearted lashes if someone came from behind, but she had made little more than scratches on the opponents. The girl had not been a warmhearted child, but she had not been a killer. She was part of Ende because it was safe here, her mother missed by the pride, the memory of her granting her protection by default.

The anger melted to agonizing sorrow as my roars shifted to wails, the higher pitched sound squealing slightly above the rivers’ roars. Shenandoah had been my world. She was my child, my friend, my lover. With her, I had felt almost normal, almost at peace, even almost equal. I valued her above everyone, even my beloved Fuhrer. The girl had granted me a life where I had formerly lived through others. Now I had no one.

I climbed to my feet, silencing my moans, and took a step towards the ledge. I gingerly put one paw’s weight on the very end of the land, and watched as it crumbled, falling into the river below. The soil was instantly swallowed by the rushing waters. For a moment I stared after it, imaging the soil was a body. Several scenarios played forward in my mind. I was larger and stronger than the margay. I could do all I wanted to give him pain, then toss whatever life he had left into the river, grant the river its due. Or I could just end my own pain right now. No doubt the river could kill me.

Decisions. Decisions. I slowly drifted closer to the buckling ledge.

[I L Y I C H]

I stood silently, watching her with curious blue-gray eyes. "Miss Orenda?" Nose tilting down to watch where I put my paws I half stumbled towards the leopardess. What ever was she doing? Could Orenda swim? I thought leopards hated water. Lifting my skull back up I gave the spotted woman I long look before allowing my lips to split into a grin. "What'cha doin'?" I called lightly, plopping myself down on my butt in the mud. Tail swishing playfully out behind my I tipped my skill to the left before bowing and tipping it to the other side. I'd never really talked much with Misses Orenda. She was always with Shady and Shady was so quiet. I didn't really know either of them. Now that Shady was gone Misses Orenda seemed really upset. Daddy said Shady was killed in battle, and though I knew that still meant dead, I couldn't help but think that it was nice that she at least died in war.

That was the Ende way after all?

But it wasn't good for Orenda, and my smile stilled as I watched her face falling into a childish attempt at sympathy. I didn't understand why she was so upset but then I guess it was like how I would feel if Mommy went away and never came home. Empty. Sad. Maybe she just wanted someone to come and fill up the hole? Could anyone fill up a hole like that or did it have to be Shady who slipped into the proper form? I blinked slowly, making a small noise as I watched the fires come to life before my eyes. They liked to do that when I was thinking hard. The fairies. They liked Orenda, dancing around her head in a vibrant show of color and light and it brought my smile back. I couldn't see their wings right now, but if I concentrated hard enough i could. But that didn't matter right now. I stood up slowly taking a small step forward as I regained my smile. "My fairies like you" I added hopefully, trying to supply something happy enough to bring a smile to the upset woman's face.

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[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I couldn’t help but freeze mid-step and merely stare forward as a soft voice wove my name to my ears. Was it Ahote coming to scold me for being upset? No, it had been a feminine voice, not the rough deep tone of the tiger. Annora to swat at my feelings and tell me to swallow them and be a good little soldier? Nah, there was no rough Germanic tongue. I ran through the list of Ende females, tacking the voice but finding no name. Then it occurred to me; this was a child’s voice. There was only one young female in this pride now; little Verona had come forward. I had to obey and answer, my dependency demanded it.

Masking over my facial features as best as I could, I turned to face the lioness and took a single step away from the ledge. I sniffed once to choke back my emotions and let that obedient smile fall carefully into its proper place. “Miss Verona, what a pleasure. I was just enjoying the sound of the river.” Ah, I had never done well playing my masks into my voice. It was cracked and quiet, barely rising above the rain. Still, I remained smiling calmly, eyes focused on this child-like hunter. “Fairies, my friend?” I knew so very little about this woman, I could not figure what she could mean by her fairies liking me. Still, despite us virtually being strangers, I found myself moving closer, slow pawstep by slow pawstep. By the time I halted and sat onto my haunches, I was no more than half a tail-length from her, reaching into her personal bubble—if she had one—with my silent need to be around someone younger. Someone without biased.

I just needed someone to make me feel fucking alive.