Here you Me. [aw] }{ Daiade's Death

[I L Y I C H]

On sleepless roads the sleepless go
may angels lead you in may angels lead you in

I wasn't prepared for this. I was in no way prepared for this. Everything seemed so surreal until I took that step into the wind. Took that step that swept the scent of rotting flesh into my nose. Rotting flesh with the light undertone of that old gentle brush of my brother's smell. His specific wonderful smell so cloaked by death that I stopped dead in my tracks. Mahal slammed into my hind end sucking in another quiet breath in an attempt to stifle the sobs I could practically feel at the back of his throat. death was a drastically different thing to him I knew. Young. Unknowing. Innocent and Naive. My life had been one big game of leap frog hopping from one tombstone to the next. I knew death and still I could abrely face it in this manor. Yet I would have to. I could not leave precious Daiade alone now. Oh I knew that Abeni would be there. That her children would be close at hand as well, but I also knew that I had to be there. I had to say goodbye to him in the flesh or else I would never forgive myself.

You do not abandon a brother at his bedside for your own selfishness.

Mahal backed up again having hidden in my fur for a moment. He seemed to be looking for someone before moving off to hover around beside the ebony form of Logan. Perhaps it was his idealization that was crushing the boy now, I did not know, but it hurt me greatly. I could feel the others milling at my back though. Wondering. I knew in my mind that they were looking for their own permission to let their tears go; many of these dogs had loved Daiade as dearly as I myself had. But my paranoia and the demands of my rank told me that they were looking for weakness and so I straightened my back let my emotions fall back in check and took the last few strides into the Akando camp. Mahal it seemed would mimic me. His back stiffening and his gait lengthening. It was how the boy had learned to be a man. Sadly. By watching his Mother and an Uncle lost in that same Motherhood.

The stiffness to my shoulders grew thicker at the thought. As a large portion of Vea Apxn slid in behind me all in their own states of sorrow I twitched my ears towards Bidziil and his own heavy foot falls. I refused to turn and look. And then perhaps that was for the best. I did not understand his reasons for coming along but then I had never truly understood most of what the man did. Whatever the value behind the action I could no longer pay attention to the peace of my thoughts. The chaos of death was upon me and all at once it hit me full on in the maw. As I was not prepared for the smell the sight of my brother once so very large curled into a tight painful little ball was far too much. Too much at once.

This wasn't real was it? I'd wake up soon. This was just another nightmare that I would snap awake form. This man who had always been larger then life and truer then any other mutt I had ever met... It wasn't possible. Slamming down the metal shutters I stepped forward almost regally trapping all emotion in anyway I possibly could. "Ackacheta" I called softly, tail waving to dispel the threat of our presence if only a fraction. "Thank you greatly for this ,my friend." I moved forward then head dropping low as I moved closer eyes fighting the fire digging at their backs. Daiade. Beloved Daiade. The man lay closed upon himself the blackness of his pelt seemed almost dried out. The fur was matted with sweat and struggle. Everything about him screamed sickness without even seeing the livid red curling out from under fur that had obviously been falling out around the wound for days.

Sucking in one sharp breath I laid down carefully beside him. The man didn't react, it seemed he was too far past noticing anything. Those heavy shoulders jerked occasionally giving the thinness of his form obvious definition as I flinched with him. A small lion cub crept from his other side, her fur rumpled and her face upset. Not truly paying attention to her I was not prepared for her coming to tuck herself under my jaw and I jolted enough to make her freeze. The smell of Daiade and Abeni brushed about the child however and I relaxed slowly finding comfort in the smoothness of baby down as I fought to distract myself from the thing my brother had become. He didn't even look Folami. I knew he was going to bad... but the idea that he would be slack jawed and flinching hadn't come to my mind. That he wouldn't even be conscious or even react as I reached out to touch my nose to him. Daiade didn't even blink though his eyes seemed to be roaming under his closed eyelids. The lion cub turned away and into my fur and I could not blame her a lick.

This beast looked like death itself.

I felt more then saw Mahal stagger and fall beside me; unable to tear my eyes away from the ghastly thing before me. Unable to concentrate on anything but the confused terrified rending of my heart. The boy was openly trembling. His teeth clattered together as he fought back whatever his own feelings were over this. Innocence had long been lost but to rip away its very fabric in this way? Had I known I would have made some attempts to prepare my children. I would have done something. Even as Paradox settled carefully to my far left and Val hesitated alongside him I could not turn my face away. Could not look towards the lions surrounding us. Could not look at anything but this horrible destruction of kindness. My precious darling peaceful brilliant Daiade lost to civil war. My beloved Martyr. Unresponsive as stone.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I was at the back of the pack by now. I had started in the center but as the journey continued I dropped back to bring up the rear. I would with pride, head high and chest pushed out--but it was all a display. My eyes were angled to the feet of the dog's in front of me, emerald hues unwilling to lift up in their sorrow. I had murdered Carska's brother. No, worse than that, I had killed an innocent man for no reason but to prove I was a changed man. Hell with changed man, I was still the same filthy coward I had always been. Even this deed had been done through Alaois--and look, that loyal little boy was dead because of me, too. I was a monster, even by folami standards. Fuck pride, I would walk in my shame and let the world know. Dropping my head, I entered the camp with my eyes closed and traveling by the scent of my brothers alone. I could feel the mud pick at my snout as it splashed up from Ayita's paws as she walked slowly in front of me. That's it, spray me with the filth of the earth--I am filth...and so I hung my head even lower.

I heard Carska's quiet proclamation of gratitude to Ackecheta before opening my eyes to see her aproach the quivering heap of black. Yes, thank this king for letting the pack mourn a brother. I let it be forgotten that this pride-leader was a feline--he was a good man, far grander than I. If I was he and he was I, I would spit on us all and deny access despite the morals of it all. In Ezhno's shadow a much greater man had grown, this was clear. Even if he was doing this for self-gain of folami alliance, he was still a much smarter man than Ezhno if that were the case. I could respect that, for this would mean he was wiser than I. A much better leader than I had ever been in the past, and probably ever would be in the future.

Abeni lay still as Daiade, side against him, her golden clear against his black. She looked as dead as he, eyes closed and unresponding--but I knew she was not dead or even asleep. The child knew what death was, but she had always had difficulty grasping it. I could still remember her asking, even as an adult, when Akila was going to come back. When the cub had first died she had continued to poke and prod and demand the child wake even after being told time and time again that she was dead. She never denied the cub was dead, she simply didn't gather that death was a perminant thing. Had she changed since that time? Doubtful. I could see it now as she twitched and opened her eyes, turning the gaze to the cub that burrowed under Carska's jaw. She was not overtaken with sorrow as I knew she would be could she understand. Instead she looked to the male cub beside nestled beside her and used a paw to push him after his sister. "Aunty Carska, these are my kids--Cammie and Daiade Jr." with that her eyes were turned back to Daiade, a quizzicle expression on her face. "He has been like this a couple days now." She looked to Carska again. "Why does he ignore me? Did I made daddy angry again? I said I was sorry." The hint of sorrow was there, but I cou;d tell by its lack of heat that it was over the idea Daiade was mad at her.

I lost it.

I pushed past Ayita, knocking the scarlet angel into her mate. She was accepted it quielty. Her eyes were dry as she watched, holding more sorrow for the pain around her then for this loss itself. She was disconnected, she always had been. This was why I would always be surprised by her ever falling in love. A nice woman, but I never thought her capable of anything deeper than packmates. Still, she was a knowing young lady--she would not hold it against me for pushing her so carelesly as I ran past her. She knew I needed this. I almost did the same to Logan, who would probably not be so forgiving, but he made a nest beside Mahal and I just missed him as I leapt over the pile of dogs to where the lioness lay. The new dog, Newsoul, had come over beside Carska by now and laid down to lean on the woman in an effort to comfort. She first reacted aggressivly to my quick move, leaping to her feet with teeth bared, ready to protect Carska--but when she realized my lunge was towards Abeni, she quickly forgave and laid back down to continue pressing on Carska's side. Alonda was sitting off to the side, a whole leap away, head low, eyes closed, ears back--blind and deaf to the world. Empty. Hiding within herself.

Abeni moved to her feet slowly as I landed beside her and turned to face her tensely. I was silent as I stared down on her, eyes harsh and jaw rigid. What did I come over here to do? What could I do? I had never been good with words so I would never, nor should I ever, be the one to explain death to a child--Abeni would always be a child to me. So as she stared at me I did the only thing I could think to do--I lunged forward, wrapped a paw around the lioness, sat down, and pulled her into my chest while beginning to cry heavily.

"Uncle Bidziil?" Her words were muffled into my fur.

I pushed her closer in. "Shut up, child." the words were soft between my quiet intakes as my tears mixed with the rain.

[I L Y I C H]

On sleepless roads the sleepless go
may angels lead you in may angels lead you in

Unable to justify it to myself I gave the boy pressed towards me a small smile. "Hello Daiade Jr. Cammie." I pressed my jaw down into the child bellow me carefully allowed a hint of respite by the soft mew that followed the touch. I knew however that this lad knew far too well what was occurring, and knew it better then his mother ever could. My eyes burned but still I held back. I had not cried sense that long ago nightmare. Who knew what had driven me to tears even then, but now my pride had grown even thicker with time and I simply couldn't. It would come later, oh I knew that. In private when i could drown myself in it and not feel weak. But not now. Now I had family and children depending on my strength. Stretching out my front leg a little bit I offered my Great-Nephew a place beside his sister. An effort towards comfort. It would take time, I knew, but I would like to see these children grow. I would like to know them and this was where that started.

A lesson in comfort.

Abeni's words almost broke that prideful barrier. They shattered whatever control remained within the glass shards and my heart gave way in one massive collapse. "Baby, Daddy isn't mad at you." I could feel the wetness sin my eyes. Feel the heat as I stared at the poor lioness. She didn't understand. Her mind had never aged and she couldn't truly understand this concept. Her daddy being gone? Preposterous. He had to come back. "He's very sick right now." Lies for a child. Lies to make an old woman feel better. "Skoll has to take him home to make him better, but I'm sure he'll come see you at night love." Daiade wouldn't abandon his daughter. Even through death he would come to her. Continue to guide her. I wouldn't be surprised if that stubborn shit decided to come back as a guardian angle. But then I had never truly believed in such things. Skoll would protect my brother, and my brother would protect his daughter. It was as simple as that.

The touch of another brought my head slowly around giving a small glance towards Mahal as the man buried his muzzle under the larger folami's head. Tawny eyes focusing on Newsoul for a moment I blinked slowly almost owlishly. It was as if we were pups once more, pressed close in the hopes that if both of us looked in different directions then nothing would try to kill us that night. Not that it ever seemed to work, but childhood trauma had a way of bringing people together. Letting out a heavy breath I leaned forward to give my dear friend a careful lick to the cheek. I was about to thank her, but the sound of Paradox's fury bested my intentions. Head turning back I just caught the inky lips dropping back over pearl fangs as the medic nosed at his wife in an effort to set her properly back on her feet. It was Bidziil, it seemed, who had knocked Ayita into the man, and my eyes followed his trajectory in shock.

I rose in time with Newsoul, fangs and anger bared just as sharply though perhaps for different reasons. My sounds of anger died as my beta's did but I remained standing with my lips drawn back until I was positive that dumb ass wasn't going to do anything drastic. Drastic was an understatement. My anger dropped into shock and then stupor as I watched that old black hound wrap himself around a niece he always refused to recognize. The confusion allowed my mind to wander showing me as some of the others watched in surprise and then almost as quickly looked away in shame. Shame. They did not want to give this prisoner a spot light for his sorrow as indeed it was sorrow. My butt hit the mud as I turned my dead eyes back to my brother who had jerked himself into a more flat position. Daiade what would you do if you knew you had driven Bidziil to tears? how gleeful would you be? "He's holding your daughter, Daiade." I barley whispered the words, knowing he wouldn't hear me but needing to say it none the less. As if saying it would make it seem more real.

I looked back up as Val slipped past me away from Paradox to seat himself beside Alonda. My daughter had closed herself off and the silver boy recognized this. He was a good friend for that stubborn princess. Settled beside her the young dog closed his eyes and simply sat. Not touching just there. A comforting gesture for a woman who felt the need to control all situations. If she wanted touch she could grant it herself and not any other way. Giving a low huff I turned my head slowly back towards Bidziil and his lion curled so tightly to his chest. Mahal to my right peeked out form bellow Logan's chin before backing up and standing up. He murmured something to the medic about needing to get just a bit farther away from... this. He took a quick careful walk towards his father stood awkwardly for a moment and then proceeded to include himself in the crush of fur. My ears lifted slightly off my skull as I watched almost conflicted.

Let the boy do what he wanted. Mahal wasn't a child anymore, even as he burrowed his head into Abeni's shoulder and lifted a paw to press against his father's for-leg Mahal still stood at Bidziil's eye level. None of these were pups anymore. Just as Abeni had grown large so had my children, but it seemed where one had stayed young the others had grown old as time. Turning my head away from the display I slid back down into the muck letting it seep into my belly fur as I curled into Newsoul and settled my nose once more against my Brother's ribs. His breathing was erratic, his heartbeat more so. The heat boiling off of him could have baked me. I stayed like that listening to those around me while I remained silent. Every time his breath hitched I froze. Every time his heart beat stuttered I whined. The idea that I was given far too much away in a camp full of lions didn't occur to me.

My brother was dying.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

This was all very uncalled for. At one point in my life I would have done anything for Uncle Bidziil to hold me like this, but now it made me uncomfortable, and even a little angry. Aunty Carska said Daiade was going to visit Skoll to get better and would come visit me at night. That was the start of me being mad. Daddy would not only come at night. He knew I liked to sleep at night and would not disturb me at such times. How dare she play him as being so inconsiderate. Now Uncle came over and hugged me after all this time I had ached for his approval in the pack. I didn't need him anymore. I had accepted the ocean between us--why must he fill it in with concrete now? Why make me have to relive the pain of being hated for so long by him?

I was going to pull away, but stopped as Mahal moved in and contacted me. Mahal was my friend--my dearest cousin. My son pulled away from Aunty, holding apology in his eyes, before turning to look at me. I met his gaze through the tufts of Uncle's long hair strands. He blinked in a stupor for a moment before turning his back on me. He dropped his head low and walsed off rigidly, tail dragging in the soil. He stopped only once to glance over his shoulder to look long and hard at Cammie. In this backwards glance I saw his eyes--my son was crying.

This was when I realized something was terribly wrong.

I released a clap of sound while springing myself from the emotional wrap that had come around me in the form of the two black hounds. I stared back and forth between the two, meeting Uncle's gaze longest. He was still crying, but now he held a little more confidence, having had gained some when Mahal had touched him in the embrace. I looked angry, but it was really an expression of devastation sitting thick in my eyes. I slowly turned to the heap at my side, ignoring Logan--who was standing close, seemingly prepared to be to Mahal what Newsoul was to Carska--, Aunty, Cammie, and Newsoul. I stepped forward once before collapsing beside Daiade's body. "How dare you." It was all I could muster past my lips, the heat of anger melting from my tone in a whisper of confused heartbreak. I laid my head down, pressing it into the side of his, eyes closed as I willed myself to enter daddy's world. I would follow him to Skoll. I had let him go once and I was not prepared to do it again.

I would not say goodbye again. I could not.

I could feel Uncle come up beside me, though he did not lay down to touch me. He had some sense. He merely laid down on the earth with a few inches between, hot breath rushing by my face with each whimper he sounded. Uncle was crying heavily. He was a much more broken man now than he had ever been. Or maybe he was less so. Maybe he was finally whole--letting himself be mortal. I ignored him, opening my eyes to look towards Alonda, who stayed frozen mostly, but allowed one paw to slip swiftly to the side to lean against Val's.

A new scent moved forward before the scarlet sun was seen. Ayita wove forward, reaching down to press her snout into Uncle's forehead. "Bidziil, come." Her soft demand was obeyed as the brute stood to tower over her. She laid her tail on his cheek and lead him over to where her and Paradox had been sitting. There she pushed him to the ground, where he laid down with his head on her paw. She leaned into Paradox, looking up to his eyes with a sad expression, as if asking him to tolerate this old broken monster that she had invited over to their peaceful corner.

[I L Y I C H]

I could hear them whispering amongst themselves. Perhaps not whispering. Just far away. A different world. So attuned I use to be. So exact in the manor that my other senses existed. Now everything was muted. Still. Covered by cobwebs suddenly revealed as death ripped the veil off of all the broken things around me. So many broken things. Even I laying tight and crippled as I was was not so far broken as the creatures around me. Folami hovered silently for the most part, except for the ones so far gone as to be unable to remain that way. Lions farther out quiet as well for the most part except for the random soul who had come to adore my help. My stories. And all of this for me. All of them here for silly old Daiade. The omega. It almost seemed ironic. Taunted and ridiculed for so very long it was I how brought them together, these two very different creatures. It made my heart almost strong. Almost. But nothing lived forever and the infection had closed off everything. Pain was so deep to be untouchable now. It didn't hurt, my body too numb from the constant sting to feel it any longer.

Dying. What an odd thing. No one is born wondering how they would die. It was simply not an idea anyone meandered about for too long. A terror. So many look into this into blackness and see nothing. Darkness that goes on for eternity. How does one even begin to comprehend that sort of nothingness? Even with Skoll I couldn't help but feel the stammering of my heart and feel a quiet sort of panic. I've never been this scared. Maybe it was all a dream? Quiet whispers of a mind desperate for some sort of salvation. Some sort of precious little thing. Some inhuman perfection, but was it real? No. No now was not the time. Not with the spiders spinning their cobwebs ever thicker over the gears surrounding me. I had faced blackness my entire life and there had always been light. Always been something to feel. Something to feel. I had felt the heat radiating from Skoll. I had heard his voice call for action. He was a man, like me. A man who couldn't help his children but was so desperate to try. Passion like that? Passion like that acted as a magnet.

I knew what would happen now. I could feel it, or rather feel the lack of feeling. That silent numbness that had begun to creep up my body was so close now. So tight around my heart and my mind. Fogged. Slow. Every once in a while I could feel a touch light and feathery against my hide, but I could not pinpoint who had given it. Could not react in any way that was reasonable. Could not even keep track of the time between them all. Heat had burnt away most of the wetness within my nose making it all the more useless. My ears were thick with spider webs. Carska I could hear muffled every now and again. No decernable words but there. Comforting. Warming. My fears began to abate. Drawn out like snake venom from my soul. Carska was here. Bidziil and Mahal too. I could sense them more then feel but I knew they were there. Could feel Logan and Paradox. Ayita and Cammie. Daiade Jr. Abeni.

Oh baby.

The only thing that left a trace of fear in my heart. What could I do for my precious daughter now? Leave her. That was what I was doing. I hadn't fought hard enough for her and now just when Daddy had come home to make it better he was leaving again. Leaving her alone again. Those precious children of hers had not a clue what their mother thought or why she acted the way she did. They would be at a loss. Of all the things that Abeni was and could be a mother was not on that list. How could a child properly raise children? It was apparent that my daughter had a brain disability of some kind. Something she was born with that had only made her life that much harder. Yet here she was. Here I was leaving her. My only lasting regret. Carska could live without me. She was strong and brave and one day I would convince her broken guarded heart that Skoll cared. For she knew and believed in some aspect of that I was sure. Belief and trust however are two greatly different things.

Abeni would be left alone though. Left alone in Akando where she had yet to make a friend and where her children were treated like outcasts. Left alone in a world that saw her as stupid and dull and refused to notice the loyalty and courage behind those flaming eyes. My child had lived without me that I knew, but I could not help but feel fear in reaction. Abeni was not meant to be alone. She could not survive without stimulation. Without love. Would she receive that in Akando? Could she find that in another? Abeni did not need me to survive, but did she need me to live? Oh but this was not about Abeni. This was about me. About guilt. What does one call the opposite of survivors guilt? I had abandoned her when she needed me. Emotionally I had left her and she had felt that sting. Felt that pain. It was my fault in the end that the lioness had gone away from us. I could not protect her. And here and now? I was repairing my faults. Fixing our problems. But I had to leave her again. Had to abandon her once more yet again against my will. Would she forgive me a second time? A part of me doubted.

But doubt leads to fear and once more I lay silent and still as a stone so incapable of controlling my own movement that my body flinched and twitched of its own accord to stimuli that did not exist. The cobwebs had grown so thick. So all consuming. Nothing could be heard. Nothing but white noise. Something touched me. hot and heavy and I let out a weak whimper in response. The first response. The last response. Something crumbled. A barrier against disease. Against the end. Something just shattered. Fallen. Falling. My body disconnected and abruptly I fell into something less tangible then my previous coherency.

Thoughts began to filter. Fade. Blacken. Body twitched. Seized slightly. Arrested. Slump into the warm. Warmth. Heat? No. Warm. No heat. Eyes rolled. Nothing. Hurt? No. Nothing. Quiet. Silent. Peaceful? Yes. Peaceful. Finally. Nothing.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

This...this wasn't right. Something was wrong. Bidziil was being too obedient. Too emotional. Daiade Jr had left his protective perch over Cammie, disappearing into the brush. Carska was showing sadness. Ayita was focusing on things other than Paradox. Logan was tolerating Bidziil. None of this made any sense. It was all off from everything I knew. I did not accept change well. Everyone was different. The fact that there was a dog I did not know here just pushed me over the edge.

Leaping to my feet I shoved my nose into the face of the unfamiliar hound that laid to Carska's comfort. I did not mean to be so hostile, but my mind was reaching for something to be normal, and the fact that it couldn't even find normality by knowing every face around it was overbearing. "You, why the fuck are you here? Leave, damn-it!" My tone was that of a childish tantrum, though its edges were razored more so than any child's could be. The dog responded by climbing to her own feet and baring her fangs as she angled her snout downwards to keep in contact with mine. Good. I needed someone to fight me. I needed the familiarity of being beaten. I had always been comforted by the abuse. It was right and it was normal. I needed it now more than ever, as I felt daddy seize after emitting the first sound in days, only to fall still, even his breathes halting. "Well, you a folami or not? Beat the shit out of me and prove that you're not a fucking kittenhugger!"

There it was. The underlying reason for my anger. Daddy was dead because he had loved me. The foolish man had thought he could go against his creator's and not be punished. He had been arrogant, and now he was dead because of it. I was alone because he could not just sit down and let me die like Akila had. It was his fault I felt this tearing agony in my chest as he stilled. He had given me something to love. I had lost everything, and then he planted something back into the shattered heart, making it possible to stand back up and believe again. Now I had to lose everything all over again. I hated the man for doing this to be.

The dog dropped her lips and stepped back, eyes filled with fire, and jaw locked in restrained aggression. She looked to Carska, deciding I was not worth the lose of her friend. "Fucking kittenhugger! You realize this moron is dead because he refused to kill me, right? To fight me. I should not have grown up--but I did because he protected me. And now look at him!" My eyes scanned over the folami as I screamed out the lethal toned words. Bidziil had climbed to his feet now, eyes moist but ears perked with an indecisive look upon his face. Ayita had her golden eyes locked on me, disappointment clear in her expression. Logan had stood, one paw risen halfway as he clearly debated whether to approach me or not. "Daddy is dead. Because of me. He should never have disobeyed the humans." Words calmer now, heavy with sorrow, I turned from the gathering and ran. I ran as fast as my legs would allow. I was a beast made of muscle, having been formed by a long time of being the punching bag.

I would never go back to them. I was too much a folami to live in Akando, but I was too much a lion to be with the folami. I would not endanger anyone else.

I already had my father's blood staining my paw prints.

OOC//: Sorry. Seemed like the Abeni response. :I She can't comprehend the perminantness of death and all the nitty gritty stuff, but she does know it is bad.