Lonley, find me. [newol]

[I L Y I C H]

With everything that was occurring the need to get away had been overwhelming. To hide. To shield. The pack was split in two. Not only split now, but definable by politics. We were no longer renegades. We had formed a new pack, and for all the good that came of such a thing the heart break was still vaster then I was willing to look into at the time. That pack had been my home. My family until they refused my nature any longer. I had change in that place. Grown. Found love an birthed children. And now? Now it was gone. Gone with that love. Gone with that family. Gone with my brother. Daiade was dead. Abeni missing. Paradox had vanished. Mahal was in a state and seemed to be refusing to associate with anyone but the priest he wandered aimlessly after. Clarimonde was obviously unsettled by something but she wouldn't speak with me either. Vea Apxn was whole at the same time that it crumbled under the combined drama of the souls within it.

And I needed peace. Peace and silence in a place where I didn't have to think. It seemed all to familiar this. Vanishing for the night. It was something I had a tendency to do before everything happened. Late at night slipping into the canyons. Slipping away from duty and control. Sleeping under the heather in an effort to disperse my thoughts to the shadows. Bidziil ha found me then. Drug me back to that blasted den in an effort to suppress his own worries and fears. I had made him feel better. He had staunched what night terrors existed. Not that it mattered any more. My nightmares were frequent to constant now, and there was no ridding myself of them. No comfort now. Sleeplessness had settled into me once more an with it I had become more bipolar then normal, falling into the pit of the illness that I had once crawled out of so triumphantly. There was no triumph now.

I felt ancient in my six years. Old as the mud I lay in. Old as the sky flowing black over me, shielding me from the moon's judgmental stare. My friends were gone, dead, or distracted. Silent. Perhaps it was just my mind whispering paranoia, but I couldn't help it. The fear. The loneliness. My children didn't need me anymore. They had found new confidants. My mate had gone, needing no one but his humans. Newsoul was no longer the closest friend I had. We had changed to greatly to be so interwoven. Daiade was gone from me forever, the only man I had ever completely trusted. Bidziil had been my mate and my lover but even then there were secrets. Half truths. Daiade was my blood and the thing I had raised all of hell to protect. And he was gone. Just like that. And it was my fault. This war was my fault. The casualties were my fault. All because I was a selfish child who wanted things the way I wanted.

I could have stayed in the original pack. I could have kept everyone safe under my desperate defense. I could have attacked Bidziil then and there and ended it all But no. Selfish pitiful pathetic Carska did none of those things. She let her pride do the talking. Let her arrogance do the walking. And let her folly kill more folami then any other dog walking on earth had a claim to. I tucked my head into the wet ground, half wondering if I could just vanish. Stitch would take over. She would lead the pack in a sensible direction. The beta was smarter then I, and more level headed to boot. She had grown in ways I had not, and learned from mistakes that I had ignored. but alas I could not leave. Could not simply vanish. Couldn't walk away. This was my mess to be judged for, and I wouldn't leave it at anyone else's paws. But I could still take my leave. I didn't know if I could physically survive if I did not take these breaks. Silently laying upon the ground as far from camp as I could scuttle; like the roach I was. I needed peace but all I found was abuse. My own abuse. But then it was to be expected, and I did deserve it all.

[nEwOL握敵]

I wasn’t a young little girl anymore. Not by any means of the word. I was a grown woman now, nearing five. I could feel age every once and awhile, but that by no means meant I had fallen from my prime, no. If anything, I hadn’t even reached it yet. Some days I felt I could jump for the sun, and some nights, I felt I could bring back the moon. And yet here lately all that fell out of place.

I was the beta of Vea Apxn. And yet part of me was stuck across the country side, hoping that deep underneath the machine, the man underneath could manage to break himself free. But that was just a distant hope. Nimrod was not going to be ready for me in his heart for some time I feared, and I didn’t know if I could make it, for I was lonely now. Such where my thoughts as I left the encampment. Newsoul could manage the pack for the time being, otherwise Carska wouldn’t have picked her for the rank of beta like myself. Speaking of Carska… I don’t know what it was, but… I’d always enjoyed being around my alphess. Even back when the packs had been one solid unit, being around her put me at ease, what with the nature of our friendship. But of course not all things can be perfect.

That damn Lucifer. If he hadn’t come along and taken over, and how the hell did he manage that anyways? I know I’d voted for Carska to lead us, as I knew her. I’d become war bonded with her in the battle against the cats, the result being the scar that ran down the side of my head behind my left eye and ear. But shortly after, all I did was disappear. I might have stayed too if not for Sound’s words. I now understood that I belonged to my kind. It was the nature of the experiment that was the reason for my existence. That’s why I felt so wrong for putting Nimrod through what I was. But I forced all of this out of my mind. I was out here for very different reason. I was concerned for Carska. Not as my alphess, but as my friend. I knew his death had to be hard on her. That on top of everything else, I had a feeling she needed someone lean on, but as an Alphess of Vea Apxn, it was important for her to stay strong in front of her pack. And so who better then a friend?

Finally I stumbled across her, lying in the tall grass of the prairie. Walking up calmly, I didn’t say a word. I relaxed all tension out of myself and softly moved up beside her and sat down, not saying a word. I didn’t engage in my normal formal bow and respectful address of rank unlike how I always had before, no. I gently laid down beside her with just a little room between us, and for a few moments, was simply quiet. Finally though, I spoke, my voice soft and kind. “Carska, I’m here for you.”


Ooc;// and that, ladies, is my excuse for a post. All over the damn place… ugh…

[I L Y I C H]

to be the strong and silent one
a lot of good that has done

I all but ignored the entrance, not truly paying enough attention to the air about me to realize Stitch had come so close. It took her speaking for me to look up and out of my haze. I stared blankly at the rugged woman for a long moment before giving out a low rumble of a chuckle. It was true, in a disastrous sort of way. I didn't fake laughter, it seemed too personal. "Yeah." My voice was rough with unshod depression, but I did nothing to disguise it. My beta knew me too well for such silly things. "You always are." Even when so many others just hovered in the background. There comes a time when a woman must sit in silence and realize who her friends truly are. Newsoul was a dear friend to me, but now it seemed like a phantom memory. We weren't the same. Not anymore. What had held us together like glue had melted under the sun of that hot summer. The summer that had changed everything.

Stitch had returned that summer. Older and stronger then she had been before. It had been so odd to see the pallid creature again. Remembering her as a childlike dog, it had taken me a moment to notice. To see the same animal there before me. I'd been so cruel to her before. As I had been to everyone, yet here she sat so very close to me. Forgiveness personified. Newsoul and I had been so very cruel to those around us. Using each other as shields. We had been raised together but we had not grown together. There was a difference to that relationship now. And I knew she didn't think I saw it, but I knew Newsoul too well. I saw the jelousy in her, and it made me feel awful. But what could I do about such a thing? My beloved Newosul, she was my friend but Stitch was more then that. My sister in arms. My comrade. I trusted them both with my life, but it was Stitch that I trusted with my mind.

And that was the real qualifier.

Letting out a low huff I let myself roll slightly into her shoulder. The touch was light, somewhat uncertain, but still there. A sigh pressed out of me, quiet as always. It was nice, if anything else. To feel contact again. Even if I knew she would pull away in a moment. Perhaps she wouldn't but it was in me to assume. Warmth was a comfort under the new darkness. Warmth after the loss of my excess. It was so cold now a days, the summer long gone. Winter's rains replacing it all. Yet in death Newsoul had laid beside me. Unsure. As I had vitally appreciated the twilight woman then so did I appreciate her counter part here now. but something was different in the manor of this comfort. Newsoul knew only of Daiade's death. She had no hope to understand the way I had altered my thinking. The hurts buried so far bellow. But in every breath I knew Stitch's understanding. I felt empathy here and even as my pride felt tarnished I could not help but feel tenderness. Comfort.

[nEwOL握敵]

Slowly, she rolled a little and rested on my shoulder. A strange sensation ran down my spin at this, but I did my best not to betray it. Something about this contact felt… Right. I might have had a twinge in me to pull away, but I didn’t. I had sensed her distress and wanted to comfort her. Then her words struck me, and they turned bitter in my mind. They weren’t true. I didn’t deserve such praise. Carska was my dearest friend. She’s somehow managed to accept me, even in Bidziil’s distaste for me. She’d tolerable of me in the beginning, though her words had been cruel. And its always pleased me to serve her well, but I hadn’t always been there… No.

I’d left her alone in the dark once. I’d left her by herself.

Leaning my head to tenderly nudge her ear with my nose, I closed my eyes and spoke in a somewhat ashamed tone. “Not always… I left once, and sometimes I wonder if that was a mistake…” It hurt to say that, it hurt because it had been Carska. I’d trust her with my life in a moments notice, but did I deserve the same? Especially with what lay ahead of me. There was that damn dog trapped behind the machine that I knew I wanted to see succeed in breaking free, but that was something he wasn’t ready for it just yet. And the task I’d signed up for, to teach the original pack how to care for one another, I couldn’t do that without spending time amongst them. But this was for the betterment of my species and I knew I could do it!

That’s other thing… Could I if I hadn’t have left… If not for Sound and Runner’s tutelage I wouldn’t be near the creature I was now. I wouldn’t, plane and simple.

I forced all that mess from my mind, it didn’t matter. I had to be strong for the fea beside me right now. But as soon as I did I saw all that pain again. Carska was hurting right now, and I wanted more then anything to help left that some how. Damn you, Lucifer! If not for you, I could have been here for her, because for some reason it just hurt to see her hurting. Casting my head down, I looked away from her so that she couldn’t see the colliding emotions behind my eyes. “If I hadn’t of left, I could have… I don’t know… You just wouldn’t have been alone.” I didn’t understand what I was feeling, why I felt so strongly all the sudden.


Ooc:// Hope that’s a decent post for ya.

[I L Y I C H]

to be the strong and silent one
a lot of good that has done

I grunted in acknowledgment of her omission, though my eyes cut towards her face with a sharpness in them. Stitch had left, but not for any reason I would blame her for. She had left to find another place, and I could forgive and understand that. She had returned, after all, and returned grown in ways I hadn't expected of the odd young woman. "You found yourself out there, Stitch. Don't be guilty about it." Lifting my head again I stared down at her, golden eyes narrowed slightly. I remembered the old version of this creature. Remembered her clumsy attempts at friend making and all of the things that would have gotten her killed in an instant as she had grown older. It was by design, it would seem. Young Stitch had escaped her fate and in escaping it found a new way to express her desire for peace. For family.

It made sense and it annoyed me to here her regretting it now. The mere idea! "It was no mistake." Lowering my skull back to white paws I stared off into the rain. Wondering. Had she followed me out here or was this also by chance? It was a thing Daiade had always been good at. Finding me when I needed to be found. Tar pits can't be braved alone it would seem. The thought gave me comfort, and a warmth deep in my chest. The woman seated beside me was more then a friend. She was a companion. A sibling. A comfort. I relaxed abruptly, tenseness spooling out of my muscles as easily as water streamed form my fur. It was simpler to ignore the beating of pain against my arteries with the warmth to chase off their icy grip.

My eyes remained half-lidded, only opening again when Stitch spoke up once more. Alone? Oh but I was never really alone, I simply cut myself off. Any loneliness I felt was of my own invention. Stitch had returned before any of my true distress had begun. Become a pillar. She should know better. A part of me was far too awkward for comfort and wanted to simply state that the past was the past, but I knew that to be a fraction too hypocritical. When I held onto the past with violent anger I could not expect another to leave it alone so easily. Sitting up again I leaned forward enough to nudge her pallid shoulder before leaning away again somewhat awkwardly. "I was not alone. Not really. Besides you came back to me didn't you." I teased automatically, smiling in an effort to fix. Mahal had learned that little trick from me it seemed.

[nEwOL握敵]

Her words where for some reason exactly what I needed to hear. Somehow in the darkness of my thoughts, she had helped me to see the light. If she saw it that way too, if she saw things that way, then they must be true, and not some false image spawned by my mind. If even Carska said that about my time in the wilderness among the wolves, then by Skoll, it must be so.

I'd found myself out there.

I'd found who I was. I wasn't just a machine that had been built to follow orders and kill felines. No. That may have been why I was created. But that didn't mean that was who I was. Being tossed to the mercy of the wilderness alongside the Runner, scion to all of Zaraidnor; and Sound, the Hybrid, was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. We needed to mature for the worlds that we where meant for, but we couldn't have done it on our own. Fortune had favored us, and we'd shared many a good time. That was nothing to regret.

Carska... I'd recognized that I helped keep her sane. I tried to be strong for my kind. It was my purpose. It was what I'd originally been meant for, after all. And I was doing good at it, too. That childish little timid mutt could have never delegated peace with a waring pack all on her own without permission. No. But even I needed someone to lean on. Carska was my dearest friend. I couldn't deny what I now understood as she nudged my shoulder. Seeing her in comfort comforted me. I could trust her. I could lean on her with ease. Carska was so much more to me then a friend. Carska was someone I trusted my soul with.

Leaning over, I pressed the side of my face against her neck and took a deep breath, squeezing up my brow as a strange, warm emotion built in my chest. My voice was soft, as I had never appeared before my Alphess this way. "Carska, I could do this without you. I'd go insane. Your more then just a dear friend to me." It was awkward for me to say, but it felt so good to say it out loud for some reason.