I'm Not a Perfect Person }{ carska

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I rose to my paws and stretched, stifling a yawn. Ayita lifted her head wearily a couple feet away, having been set to guard me. She blinked once in greeting, before laying her head back down on her paws. Her eyes were baggy, she had clearly not slept--again. I walked up to her and licked the top of her skull comforting. “You know as well as anyone that he will come back. He always comes back.” I wished my words held more certainty, but it wavered at the end in sympathy. Ayita angled her gaze upwards to give me a grateful look, but I could see my words had done nothing for her. There was more to her anxiety and depression then she let on. I watched her a moment more before letting my mind wander to my own worries. I loved Ayita, but she didn’t want my help. She made it clear that she wanted to just be left alone, though she was too guarded of a dog to come right on and say it. I walked a couple feet away from her and sat with my back to her. She paid me no more mind. She knew I would not wander off, but she would not leave for yet another fruitless search for Paradox until Carska relieved her of this useless guard duty. I wasn’t going anywhere. No matter how little I deserved trust, I know Carska knew this--she was just not ready to make it known she trusted me not to hurt anyone. It was her and our children’s hearts she had to worry about.

I lifted my snout to the air in took in an inhale. I caught the stale smell of Alonda and Val heading towards the camp’s entrance. I put my ears back and focused on that for a moment. Their relationship was odd, but I would not question it. I trusted Alonda’s judgment--she would not put up with anyone that didn’t suit her. I was proud of her--Val was a fine boy. It had always worried me, her guarded infatuation with Alaois. It was nice to see she had lifted her expectations. Val would not hurt her--I just hoped her loved her and was not playing along due to fair. I felt wrong thinking it, but I could see someone like Val being intimidated into hanging around with a woman like Alonda. If that were the case and she found out, first Val would be murdered, but what worried me more was the fact that it would shatter my daughter. She’d hide it well with hostility, but I knew it would. She was too much like me for it not to.

Turning my eyes to glaze over the camp, I searched for Carska. A week ago she had told me of an exchange between Rickalaru and Nimrod. There was a peace treaty, one I planned to uphold once I was back home, that would be in affect so long as I was given the choice whether to go home or not. I would go home, of course. I was the alpha. I did not love nor trust the humans, but I was loyal to them. But before I was alpha, I was a father and, should Carska allow, mate. I would go home and lead the pack because the only way to protect my family was to be the leader of their only true threat. I was certain I could balance both worlds now. I did not have to deny myself on either side. I was bred to be the alpha of the second greatest species ever to walk this earth. “Carska?” I called it quietly in my rough voice. There was love in the tone as I said the name--there would always be. Whether Carska still loved me or not was up for debate, but what I felt was clear.

No matter where I am, I would always be Carska’s.

[I L Y I C H]

It had been enough, it seemed. Enough time and enough consideration. I'd been waiting in the shadows for sometime, waiting in my own time. Vae Apxn was strong. Healthy. Yet still life went forward and the old grew older. Alonda had left the territory last night at some point, Val on her heels. I had found the scent myself, but left it alone. She would be better out in the wild without us to conflict against herself. They would learn themselves together, and perhaps one day my children would come back to me. Perhaps one day all of them would come back to me, but now was not the time. Children grew just as their parents did, and I remained still in the thought. How young we had been. How unknowingly and irrevocably in love. We had grown for it, but not enough. Not enough to hold ourselves together. Golden eyes sought out the crimson of his gaze and held it as my ears flicked to my own name. We were older now. Stronger for it, and maybe just maybe ready to let love do it's worst.

We had survived much worse after all.

Standing stiffly from my long vigil I left my seat alongside a sleeping Mahal to approach the black prisoner no longer held at his standing. My muzzle tipped if just slightly to Ayita. Wondering quietly. Newsoul had told me of his showing up on the territory some time ago, but I had heard no more and scented even less of the medic. He wouldn't leave his Ayita for anything less then a disaster. He would return. Paradox was weaker then we thought him, it seemed. Fido had been gravely injured. Had relayed words to me, but they had made no sense without the context held within the ebony painted dog's mind. Eyes skipped away from the crimson woman guiltily not wanting to be caught in knowing. What Paradox did was his business, and though I did not condone the vengeful tide I wouldn't be the one to stop it either.

Lifting my lean muzzle to stare pointedly forward into my old friend's face I watched him silently. He had called me forward, after all, and I had learned that I did not always have the answers. Bidziil had made his decision and I would hear him out as was my duty to him. I had taken too many casualties in the way I interpreted him to try again. Let the man speak his mind. Then I would speak with him. Properly. Like we should have all those months ago. Like we should have when our son and his friend drug this ebony beast to this camp. It was well past time. And I would never admit it out loud but Skoll, I missed this man. I missed speaking to him and hearing all the emotion his voice couldn't quiet hide. I hated watching his face lie day after day. Hated it with my entire being. I wanted to hear him speak now. Hear his voice that could never quiet lie to me. Even through everything we'd been through I could hear him under all that fur and bravado.

No toy. No pupet. We knew this. Knew each other. And I was done with my pride and my anger. I was done with loneliness and aggression. I was finished with fighting and feeling sick to my bones about it after. The majority of this distance was my own fault. I suffered loudly, as I always had and made no attempts to repair. Perhaps I hadn't done all I could do, and I needed to fix that now. Bidziil wasn't the only responsible party int his mess, even if his paws were dirtier then my own. Maybe it was just the way I saw myself, or the way I saw this entire situation. My mind had time to settle, and it had done so. Peace wasn't something I knew or understood, but fighting was. And I was wiling to fight for this. So i sat down silently, eyes not breaking contact and waited. Let the man speak. Hear him out like I should have done when he first came to my camp, tired and sick and fearful of the world around him.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My ears flicked towards the darkness as something shifted. I could smell my dear Mahal sleeping in there, with his mother awake beside him. She greeted me with her silence, invited my guardedly with her eyes. My strong front faltered for a moment, throwing my eyes downward to her feet. I had never been worthy of her more than right now, but perhaps that is what caused me to submiss. In the past I tried to dominate--even before we fell apart I considered myself the protector. When I was taken prisoner, I had been afraid of her. Now I submissed because I knew she was stronger. She was the alpha dog. I had been created superior, but Carska had worked her way up the ladder I had been born on top of. She earned her rank with her own strength--I had ridden in on the shoulders of the humans.

Bringing my eyes back to meet hers, having kept them low long enough to display my submission and loyalty to her, I flicked my ear and moved slowly to the shadows of the camps outter edge. A prick of fear knawed at my belly. Would Mahal understand why I was doing this, or would he think I was abandoning him again because I didn’t love him? I was hoping Carska would follow me to where I melted into the shadows of the edge. Here I could keep my voice low and speak for only Carska to hear. If Mahal would be hurt by my actions, I would not go. Nothing would break my son’s heart again. I did not know if I could restore my relationship with Carska, though every ounce of me wanted to, but Mahal and I still had a chance at a semi-healthy relationship. I would not ruin that for anything in the world.

After watching Carska follow in tense silence and taking a seat a few paces away, ready to listen, I let out a breath of air. I had not realized I had been holding it, afraid that Carska would deny me her ears. I met her eyes and my heart beat a little faster. “I do not Mahal to think that I am leaving him because I do not love him.” Ah, apparently I was not as confident as I thought. My voice barely rose above a faint whisper, and it choked halfway through as if it had to fight an army to get out. “Because I do, so much.” I dropped my head and slouched, eyes closed. “You have to believe me on that, because we all know how shitty a job I have done showing it.” I took a couple breaths to hold back any tears that threatened to leak before I lifted my head and looked her square in the eyes.

“I have decided to return and lead the Folami Pack.” There was conviction in my voice, but a hint of begging, too. Understand, baby, please... “Realize I don’t make this decision lightly. It hurts even thinking about leaving this pack that has treated me so well despite everything--” I leaned forward slightly, only a whisker closer, and whispered in an almost silent voice. “--leaving you.” There, I had thrown my heart out there. Carska had to have known how much I still loved her--I had not even attempted to hide it since her and I were forced to talk by Mahal. But now I was vulnerable, and the feeling was ill-accepted. My stomach tightened and my breath caught in my throat. Maybe, if I could, I would have pulled the words back in. Odds are, though, I wouldn’t have.

I was a selfish dog and I needed Carska to know that I still loved her. Needed her to know that there was no longer any doubt as to which side I would stand on should the humans threaten my family again. I would stand by her, no matter who her enemies were. My puppets strings were broken, and I would not let them be repaired this time.

[I L Y I C H]

His breath pooled into the air, drawn almost visible by the cold and then tension. My head dipped slightly in assertion. Reluctance was not a new feature in either of our personas. Nor were his concerns. Mahal was not a child anymore. He had outgrown his immature beliefs, though I doubted he could ever bring himself to fully forgive Bidziil for his transgressions. A boy can forgive his father for all of his sins, but the child would never forget. Black backed ears folded back slightly, I blinked slowly. It wasn't my place to comfort the ebony man about his son's decisions. Mahal was not mine to police. He was an adult now, and old enough to make his own decisions. My chin pulled up just a bit, defiance instinctual to my person. "Then go speak to the boy. I will not play messenger for you." Bidziil must work out his demons, and explain them to Mahal. His son would be eager to listen, of that I was sure.

The ice in my eyes melted slowly, the tension turning into carefully controlled attention. There was a difference. "Mahal forgave you once. He isn't a judgmental one, he will not blame you" But he would miss you. Miss you like he did the last time, so furious with himself for letting you go despite his age that he made up a mask that he can't take off anymore. My eyes closed as I dipped my head in agreement. I knew he had difficulty saying such things aloud. It wasn't in his programing, and how we loathed to learn as a species. A small grin tugged at the edge of my seriousness at the thought. "I know." Simple. Careful. Because I did know. Know he hadn't done any sort of job about showing us. A failure in his own right, but trying so very hard. And he was trying, or I wouldn't have any sympathy in me. I couldn't help but root for the damn underdog.

I leaned backwards slightly, titling my head down to watch him with the wolf stare that had been bred into every single on of us. Calculating at it's depths, but curious at the top. Reserved. A slow nod greeted his conviction. This was something the alpha believed he must do, for some reason or another. My eyes narrowed slightly. Though I understood his need, I could not help but be aggravated by it. We were after all very different people at our roots. The cruel part of me couldn't help the word coward that I now branded to the beastial alpha's heart. Perhaps opposites attracted. It all seemed a bit of a lie half the time, but we had held each other too long for me to not be willing after I had calmed, to work for it. Just a little bit. Yet here I sat, unable to break past the idea that Bidziil returned to do what the humans made him to do. Loyalty always. My lip curled at the thought. Man would never do anything but abuse. They were not worth my loyalty.

It was with a slight resentment that I continued listening, and because of it my chest puffed out automatically at his admission. Defensiveness bit into my expression, not entirely against my own will. I knew, of course, that Bidziil still felt for me in his own way. I was less sure if I could bring myself to release my own feelings. My shields were thick and tall, and though I longed for the caress of that scared muzzle I couldn't quiet bring myself to trust it. I remembered to viciously what had happened the last time I tried to welcome this man home. Air brushed past my teeth as I sighed, face falling into resignation as I watched him. I could all but see the emotion whipping behind those crimson eyes. His masks were gone.

"The other pack needs you." I said it as lightly as I could, though the darkness of the clouds in my chest stuck to it's edges. What they needed was to be turned away from false gods. Man was a monster. But Bidziil must learn that on his own. I could not force it on him. Nor on the others. They all thought me some sort of kitten-hugger but did not see the truth. I longed for peace, not for the end of what we were. Our diet should be a choice. We could capture and eat whatever we wanted, so why must we be punished for anything having to do with it? It was moronic. I myself still went on random hunts, though I had to admit it was more out of vigilant annoyance then anything else. Trespassers sealed their fate by ignoring our laws. My jaws parted again, lips turned down in a frown. "They will welcome you back, but what then? You have no means to an end." Because there wouldn't be an end to any of our pains, that I was sure about. Straight to my bones. Until we had split from they're dammed masters we were ruined.

It would be they're destruction.

I turned to the side, looking over my sleeping friends calm in the night. They all looked so peaceful, knowing it safe to sleep through the night. Close together. Soundless and gentle. Even as I watched Syntax shifted closer to where she had settled along side Ayita. Attempts at comfort. Things long forbidden to them welcomed. I liked to think we were repairing some of the damage done, even if it was just some parody. "What are your plans under this peace treaty, Bidziil? You know as well as I that times are changing." Golden eyes cut back to the side, pinning him with the intensity usually reserved for prey. "I know what you think now. What you feel now. But I've been deceived before." Bluntness was cruel, perhaps, but I wouldn't beat around the bush this time. I couldn't. Pursing my lips I looked away again. "I don't want you to leave me again." Admittance burned against my throat, but if I was being blunt I might as well be truthful. "But I do not trust you. I won't just give it to you this time. I can't."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I dipped my head in acceptance. That was fair. I could not expect to be able to disappear in the night and have Carska explain to Mahal that I did it in love--she would not lie for me. If I ran off without speaking first with my son, it would be out of cowardice, and nothing more. Mahal deserved better than to have to learn I was gone through his mother--he was worth the pain it would take to tell him myself. I spoke no more on the matter, just that one silent dip of the head to let her know I would do as she advised. She was right, as she always had been. As she always would be.

The edges of my lips curved up in a gentle ark, the slightest of smiles. There was a guarded humor to her simple agreement that I had failed to show how much I really cared about my son, or anyone. Perhaps it was a dark subject and I should feel entirely ashamed and want to crawl deep into the earth to die, but that whisper of a smile the sprouted of her eyes reassured me that she at least knew I was not lying here. Her and our children were everything to me. Knowing that she believed me despite all I had done made my heart swell in relief.

I knew why her lips pulled back into a soft snarl. The humans had lost Carska’s loyalty long ago. Again, I admit she is right about everything. Even now I knew she was right to dismiss them. I simply could not. Perhaps it was stubbornness--a conservative need to resist change. Maybe still it was because I cared far too fiercely for the pack to let them flounder in disarray with no leader to guide them. But I knew at the forefront of the reasoning it was love for Carska, and my children. I had to protect them by being something the humans could be proud of. If I kept them happy, perhaps they would not care to use resources to destroy the rebel pack, deciding they were of no threat to the mission. I would not tell this to Carska, I would not come off as someone needing credit for being a martyr. I hoped Carska would come to the conclusion on her own one day, but I did not need that sort of image. I was the Folami Alpha, I could not let it be known I was only so because my heart was soft for another.

“They only need me because the humans told them they do. If they opened their eyes and thought for themselves, they would survive with or without me.” The words came out as a growl, unintended. Eyes narrowed, I looked away, head angled downward to the left. I had not wanted it to be known how disgusted I was with the mindset the pack had, the one that demanded it be me on the throne. I wanted nothing more than to stand under Carska’s rule, but if I did so the pack would panic--mostly because of Nimrod’s doomsday preaching, no doubt--and this would lead to the humans interfering. Carska did not need to know how obligated to that wretched pack I felt--I was supposed to be honored to lead the pack, proud of my rank. I wasn’t. I was weighed down by it--ashamed of it--I wanted nothing more than to abandon my post and have it said that I was dead. But then the humans would send in a new dog to lead them, one who would most likely be programmed the way I was intended to be. He would be dangerous, and then we’d all have no chance.

All that fell from her mouth next forced away my loathing and replaced it with shame. I deserved this distrust, the blunt words. It tore deep into my heart and I felt the razor go through. “I know.” I could say nothing more. What could I say to justify deceiving her? What would ever make up for my taking her trust and shredding it? I would work to gain it back, but I would not ever be able to show how sorry I was. “You shouldn’t.” I looked up and found her eyes, finally gathering the strength to do so. My gaze was narrowed in what could be read as aggression, but it was only heated towards myself. “Why should you ever trust me again? Why did you ever trust me to begin with? I am a god-damn slave to the worst fucking creatures in the world. They corrupt us and beat us to get what they want. See these scabs?” I threw my head back and in a state of insanity, tore the one I could reach, a rough piece of raw flesh that had formed over a whip-line on my shoulder. Blood rolled out, slowly, as the scab had almost been ready to peel anyway, and the fresh skin underneath was able to withstand the force. “These burns?” I shoved my snout into a gray patch of skin that would never grow hair again on my left flank. It stung to the touch and it always would, bringing the memories of electrocution when a feline was near, so that we would relate cats to terrible things. “They fucking branded their initials in my stomach with fire!” I didn’t roll over to show her the M.B. the cattle prod had left behind in the sensitive stomach flesh. I whipped my head around and locked my ruby to her gold. “I broke under the pressure. Why? Because I am weak. Weak should not be trusted.” My voice had been frantic, pitched with hysteric fury. It cooled with my final statement, dying, becoming bland. I sat down, tenseness leaving my form. I was weak. I could not be trusted. Run, RUN! Oh, but stay...please stay. I won’t leave you again, not really. I am stronger now. I have learned my lesson.

“The peace treaty will stand. Even if I have to rip pieces of it from the dead hands of human or Nimrod to glue it back together.” Stronger now, my voice was quiet, but determined.

I would fight for Carska, no matter who the enemy may be.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Carska calmly accepted his words, Bidziil booped her on the nose and ran over to where Mahal sleeps, waking him in gentle urgency. He explains what is happening, Mahal doesn't react much at first but eventually lets himself understand. They proclaim love and Bidziil runs off into the night to lead the pack he so hates loves, and try not to make it too obvious he is avoiding his gay obsessor, Nimrod.