Happy For You (ily)

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

It was calm. The ocean swallowed its rage today. The waves were gentle, washing over my back as I paddle deeper in the endless expanse. I had never been fond of swimming, my fur growing too heavy with the activity, but it didn’t matter anymore. Maybe I wanted to drowned here, but it wasn’t the reason I had carried myself so far from home. I needed to leave that which reminded me of all I had lost. I knew I didn’t believe in such things, but I felt like my children’s souls were hovering Vea Apxn land, judging me, asking why I had not saved them, ashamed that I was their mother. My poor children, perhaps it was best that they had died. Their father was a monster they’d never have met, and their mother was a husky trying to fool the world (and failing) into thinking she was worth as much as everyone else. Still, even if it they were better off dead, I couldn’t help the selfish ache weighing heavy in my chest.

The day they passed was already two days prior to now, and the pain had not faded in power. I had thought Mahal had given me some of my control back, but it was only while he had been there beside me. I had fooled myself into thinking his comfort meant something more than it was. I was a filthy person for wanting it to have been more than it was. Mahal was Logan’s mate, and I had to learn to accept that, or delete myself from the equation before I tried to destroy the love the two shared. Jealousy should never be enough to dismantle the joy another has, but I could feel the fire in my belly saying it was. Losing my children had left me desperate--I needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay, that I still had something to live for, because I couldn’t think of any reason. Life had once been an experiment, a chance to explore all the wonders of the world. But, like many before me, the heart ruined such a mind, metaphorically speaking, of course. The heart was only an organ, but we mortals so loved to give it credit (or blame it) for what hormones and the brain lay upon us. I was too distressed to worry over logistics, though, so for now the heart could carry my hate.

I pulled myself onto a smooth boulder jutting out twenty or so feet from the ocean’s shore. Its surface was still warm to the touch from the sun that had poked past the drizzling rain clouds most of the day. Darkness had began to fall upon the world but I had no thought to swim back to shore and return to my home. Not yet. I would spend the night on my little island only just big enough for me, and maybe a storm would sweep me away as I slept. One could hope. It did not matter what Mahal said, I still knew there was no dog that would miss me but for a mere passing moment. Maybe Carska would have Logan hold a service in my memory. Perhaps Ayita’s pregnancy hormones would cause her to drop a single tear, despite not really knowing who it was the pack had lost. Though I doubted I would be much more than a source to help in an argument by next week should I disappear tonight. Good, that was how I wanted it. I had never wanted to mean anything to anyone, never wanted to build the emotional ties. Such things as relationships bring out the stupid in even the smartest dogs.

Let my life be a lesson to all those little kids foolishly eager to find a mate out there. Love is what killed me, children, and it will kill you, too, if you’re not careful. So why take the risk?

[I L Y I C H]

Kerry bounded rapidly ahead of me, surprisingly fast for a kid with just three legs. I'd been mildly surprised when he had begun to sheepishly come over to chat with Gavin and I right before bed time. Even more so when he started to ask if he could come out of camp with me. At first I had been suspicious, thinking Ray was talking the kid into some kind of stupid prank but Kerry had proven me wrong. It honestly seemed like the merle boy just wanted to get out and run every once in awhile. He enjoyed my company for some reason, and those wide eyes drew in information like fucking sink holes. If anything else the boy was truly clever. He wanted to know everything and he went about it brilliantly. Kerry was attentive in learning in a way I didn't expect from a kid. But then I guess he'd been forced to grow up rather quickly.

It made me wonder how he'd even survived that week Kara said he'd been on his own. It had taken Ryan and I a full two weeks of careful teaching to find a way for him to hunt effectively. We were still working on it but Kerry was so damn proud of himself. It made my heart swell. Poor kid had some very deep seated insecurities for obvious reasons, and maybe thats what drew him to me. We could just figure our shit out together. Though it hurt me to think that Kerry with everything he had to give felt the way I did. Hurt me to think that because of something entirely outside of his control the child would never be the same. Never be normal. It fell so close to home I couldn't do much more then be utterly depressed by the idea. But he was smart. He was fast and clever and willing to learn. Maybe a bit gullible but that wasn't so bad.

So we'd been taking walks recently, while the boy opened up. Sometimes Gav came with us. Kerry was getting use to the pack, and to us. The first couple of times he stuck to my side like glue. Hiding in the thickness of my fur and the give of my thin frame. Now not even three weeks after his small group had joined in with us Kerry was running a good meter ahead of me, his white tail high. Kid hadn't taken very long to open up in certain aspects at least. He was still touchy and very uncertain when it came to a multitude of others. Not that I of all people could blame him for that. For Skoll's sake I'd lived with those fuckers for how long now? And I still couldn't bring myself to interact freely with most of them. I still had trouble interacting freely with Gavin and we were all but attached at the hip and breathing with the same fucking lungs.

Kerry broke me out of my thoughts abruptly, his sandy body suddenly very much shoved into my side. "Whats that?" The kid's voice was started and worried, his face when I turned to look down at him was rumpled uncertainly. So I turned to follow his multihued stare and started myself upon seeing what the kid was staring at. A folami. There was a fucking folami perched on a rock out in the waves. What the ever loving shit was going on. Dragging Kerry with me I marched farther down the beach, moving close enough to the water that it lapped coldly over chocolate paws. Really? Really? Kerry was burrowed up against me, head tucked so it was lifted into my jaw when he leaned forward to try and see better. "Are they okay?" Oh yeah trust him to be the one worried about the fucking lunatic standing on a boulder in the god damn ocean. "Are you okay?!" jolting slightly at the abruptness of the child's raised voice I shot a mildly annoyed glance down before lifting my stare to glare out at the fucking weirdo perched on their damn stone waiting for some kind of answer.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Of course I wasn’t allowed to be alone. This world was too small for such things. There would always be some good Samaritan drawn to those who would rather they all just walk off a cliff. I cringed as my opened my eyes with the thought. Harsh. The voice sounded like a young boy’s just barely reaching me past the sound of gently crashing waves. I muffled a frustrated sigh as I lifted myself to a sitting position and looked over my shoulder at the dog. Dogs. I blinked a couple times to clear my head before all but forgetting about the younger boy. “Michael?” Maybe I was too far away to make certain of the name, but I was almost positive that was who I was looking at. It had fallen from my lips softly, not nearly loud enough to be heard by either dog. I would not humiliate myself but shouting the wrong name. I had to get closer, or hear his voice to make a definite identification.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.” This time I let my volume raise high enough to be able to carry over opposing sounds. My tone was dry, or perhaps a bit convoluted. I fought with myself over whether to swim to shore or not. I wanted to get a better look at that older dog, but I seemed to have more reasons for why to stay where I was rather than push to know. All my life I had gone out of my way to know everything, and all that had done was leave me hurt at the end. It was my need to know that had kept me alive, had forced me to keep fighting. I was too tired for that anymore. I was ready and okay with being in the dark for eternity. I swallowed back the urge to just ask for the name, still at war despite having decided I was okay not knowing. Because I knew I really wasn’t. I had a question and I was not okay with being without an answer.

Fuck it. I will solve the mystery one last time.

I plunged into the chilled water, fur heavy but body too numb to care anymore. I was swimming with the the waves now, so my path to shore took far less time than it had to get to the boulder. I felt my pads rub raw against sand as I dragged my bulk from the water, rising from it with hair hanging heavy towards the earth. I flashed my chocolate gaze to that of the other husky, shocked despite my earlier thoughts. “Michael, I though--” I cut myself off sheepishly as I stopped several feet away. I felt shame wash over me. Michael had been my friend long before Mahal had. I should have never let him leave on his own. The dogs in the pack, they had been so interesting, so unique to the world, I had had to observe them. I had let my first, and to this day, best friend go out on his own because I was too selfish to leave behind my stupid little experiments. “Hello.”

It was as if I was talking to a ghost, the ghost of a friend I was responsible for killing.

[I L Y I C H]

My ears flattened back, annoyance being forced back by a certain level of abrupt curiosity. That voice sounded familiar, but it didn't dredge up the horrible gut deep feelings familiar voices normally did. That... was that possible? Bidziil had said the girl lived, that she and Mahal were friends in the other pack. If that was the case why was Clarimonde all the way out here? That, even if that was her. It might not be. Perking my ears once more I rolled forward slightly pushing indents into the sand and forcing Kerry to lean back out from under my jaw. "She doesn't sound fine." Kerry whined from beside me, and I cast a quick look down at the boy's worry. It still amazed me that someone so young could have such compassion for everything around him. Kerry was no fighter, that was sure, but he was well prepared to love everything he could.

Frowning thickly I nodded in agreement. The kid was right, she didn't sound alright at all. Even at such a high volume the woman, whoever she may or may not be, sounded almost dead of tone. That alone was never a good sign. I of all people knew how you started to sound when you gave up. It wasn't a tone of voice I liked to hear in other dogs. For a long moment the two of us stared out into the ocean, watching the woman on her boulder. Kerry shuffled worriedly alongside and just as I parted my jaws to call out she plunged back into the waves. Wincing slightly knowing how cold the water was I turned and nosed Kerry behind me. Putting my charge in danger because of a haunch wasn't worth anything. Maybe I had attached myself to the kid to readily but dammit I wasn't going to let him get hurt. He'd ben hurt enough in his life.

Maybe it bothered Gavin that I was caring for Kerry, which upset me though I would never admit it, but I would continue to do so. I loved Gavin, I truly did and I didn't understand why extending myself to protect a child upset him. I got why he didn't want Barbara around him the little girl was far too obsessed with him, but Kerry was perfectly nice to my boyfriend. I didn't get it. It annoyed me but I didn't want to bring it up either. I'd caused enough strife between us, this would just work out. Wouldn't it? I mean Gav wasn't jealous of a little boy was he? Grimacing lightly, I kept my eyes glued to the black and white form moving towards us until my paranoia got the better of my curiosity. "Hey kerry how about you go find Geoff, alright?" The merle boy looked at me in confusion for a moment but he didn't argue.

On ear turned to listen carefully to the crippled pup's escape path, I kept my eyes focused on the woman. Definitely like me. Part husky though unlike me she obviously wasn't trying to hide it. Where I had starved the muscle out of myself she remained bulky and strong. Her fur was thick and heavy with water. Holding it the way it should. We shared the same broader chest, though, a marker nothing short of breaking bones could alter. The same slightly rounder skull. There was no doubt then. Straight down to those chocolate eyes. "Clari?" Bidziil hadn't been lying to me then. Hadn't been making up fibs to keep myself or Gavin from attacking him again. "I thought-" We'd spoken in unison though, and I fell away just as she did, guilt and shame pooling at the surface.

I'd abandoned her to the pack when mom and I had left. We should have taken her with us. Maybe then mom would still be alive. We could all have been a family, but thats not how it happened. We'd left Clari in the pack out of desperation to just leave. Mom hadn't even thought about it, and I was ashamed to say I hadn't either for the first few days, so lost to the euphoria of being away from the words and malicious voices. I'd left my best friend behind in the jaws of the folami pack, and no matter what had happened sense to make her happy or sad either way I wouldn't forgive myself of that. Knowing that I was sickeningly thin, and that she would notice because she had known me before, I couldn't help looking at my paws. Meek and uncertain, wholly insecure. "Hi" I offered back, curled tail flicking to the opposite side of my back, awkwardly.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My eyes followed the smaller boy as he retreated, noting his awkward gait and finally noticing the missing limb. I blinked sympathetically after him for a second, knowing it was not a deformation because, though his walk was sturdy, it was not that steady. I wondered idly how it happened for a split second, but was dragged back to attention as Michael said my nickname. I shuddered with it. I had not been called that for months, cutting myself off from Mahal and then him calling me by my full name the other day when he came across me and my children. I frowned at the memory, forced back to the reality of knowing I had failed the only family I had ever really had. Father died when I was still quite young, and I had been alone ever since. I had chosen that path, tossing aside Michael when he decided to escape the hell we lived. Maybe if I had run off with him and his mother, we would...

I physically shook away the thought. I had never loved Michael like that. The boy had always been much too important to me to get tangled in that nonsense. He was my brother, and not a day had passed that I hadn’t missed him terribly. And now he was back and I was pouting over things that had nothing to do with him. I should be concerned over the fact that he was underweight, or the sight of his fur. The boy was lacking a proper diet, denying himself nutrients, or perhaps sick. But his eyes were not glossy with illness, no--he was sick in the mind, not in the body. “Mickey, your fur...why aren’t you eating?” Oh, but I could guess. I knew the abuse and what it had done to me, and I had barely allowed emotion to have part in my life back then. I could only imagine the damage done to someone who let themselves feel for those around them. “You can’t change what you are, Michael. If you could, I would have done it by now.” My tone was heavy, but I couldn’t help by be brutally honest to the only man I knew that understood.

Truth of the matter was, I never used to care that other dogs thought I was lower because of my breed. I had known back then that I was smarter than them, I had been arrogant. As time past and emotion began to curse me, I found that I wanted to fit in, though, and I never could. I knew now what Michael had felt then. I admired his will, though. He was trying to do something about the issue, while I had just let it destroy me. I had given up and bowed to the fact that I would never be good enough. In my mind, Michael was stronger because of what he did to his body, as morbid as I knew it was for me to think it. If he wasn’t my friend, someone I cared passionately for, I would have supported it. But I did love him, and this made me aware of the fact that bulimia was dangerous, and I did not want Michael in danger.

But I had never been good when emotions were in the picture.

I drew my attention away from the physically obvious malnutrition of the boy by noting his mother’s scent was no longer on him. There were many times I was a heartless person accidentally, but I had enough social grace to know not to broach that topic. He had been very close to his mother, and I was not about to make him relive her death, if that was why he and her were now split. I narrowed my eyes and pushed a little closer to this familiar dog, finding comfort in his presence. He was taller than me, and if he was a healthy weight, he’d be bulkier. But I didn’t care if my muscle was thicker, he made me feel safe. “Where have you been? That three-legged puppy, and I heard you say a dog’s name...Geoff? A pack?” It was word vomit time, it seemed.

I could hide behind a mask of questions. It was what I had always done.

[I L Y I C H]

My heart pitched at the familiar nickname. No one had called me that sense my mother had been killed. It was almost painfully nostalgic to hear it again, and I smiled weakly under it. Vaguely I remembered how much I had enjoyed it's use, though I always pretended to hate it. Some of the younger dogs had tried to use it demeaningly, the feminine tones to it apparently meaning fault, but between my mother Clari and Mahal I had ignored that jibe at the very least. It was a connection to the past that I hadn't ever expected to hear again, let alone in a good way. Though the girls next words cut it a bit short. Shoulders shrugging slightly I dropped my snout enough to give my old friend a pained glance.

Clari was smart. Way too fucking smart and I knew she knew instantly what I had done to myself. What I was still doing to myself. "You shoulda seen me a coupl'a months ago." My accent got worse as my voice lowered, hiding behind the obnoxiousness of the vowels. Maybe it would annoy the half-breed. Not that it ever seemed to have. But it was truthful, at least, the phrase. I'd gotten a bit better shortly after joining up under Geoff, not horribly so but enough that I didn't feel constantly exhausted. Maybe it was more because I hadn't wanted them to notice how weak I was. Then under Gavin's ministrations I had regained a good ten pounds in the last few weeks, which against what I was sure was almost eighty I had shed off wasn't much but it was getting there. Getting better.

"Yeah I know. You were always a clever shit." Of course she was right. If anyone could have figured out how to get rid of all those damnable traits it would have been Clari, but then when w were younger she'd never really had an issue with it. So caught up with her mind that she didn't give two shits about what other people had to say about her. But I could guess what had happened. She'd picked a side and they'd turned on her. Left my Clarimonde lonely. Like I did, I knew that much I wasn't a hypocrite, but that just meant I could hate them as much as I hated me and that was a shit ton. I just shrugged again, trying to keep my anger in check at least a little bit. Clari had never judged my boughts of rage before now but other people did and I'd learned to at least keep them a little bit in check. Now wasn't the time to go snarling after past demons.

I could see the questions in her eyes, and plainly noticed the twitching of her nose. Clarimonde may be trying to still her tongue but I knew her all too well and it didn't matter how we changed over the years our childhood traits still existed in the both of us. "Mom was killed by a loner" I dead panned the information, having no other way to say it. I'd gotten use to the fact over the last few months. Maybe I hadn't been able to spit it out to my pack mates, but I'd told Gavin. And I could tell Clari. She had known the woman too, and Mother had been just as emotionally attentive to the orphaned husky as she was to me. No matter Clari's emotional ties I knew she would at least appreciate my mother for her strengths and not just her death. Maybe I just wanted to share the news with someone who understood without me having to explain to them what had happened. Clarimonde knew how close we were. How it destroyed me to be away from her for so much as a couple of days let alone forever. She would know and understand I could be sure of that.

Throwing a quick glance after Kerry and seeing that the boy had indeed vanished into the grasses a good hundred yards away I nodded. Not that that was really an answer but hell. "That was Kerry." I told her, looking back around into the slightly shorter woman's brown eyes. "We found him and four other kids wandering by themselves out near the prairie." Flicking my ears back I frowned mildly. "Geoff is our... leader I guess. Yeah theres a pack." I looked up at her abruptly, hopeful. Maybe Clari would come back with me? She looked like she needed some serious R&R and what better place for that then a loud obnoxious clearing full of guys and puppies right? Sarcasm had taken over by the tail end of the thought but my hopefulness remained. I'd love to have this girl who I had long considered a long lost sister by my side if only for a little bit. "We all call him dad." I added quickly. "It's really... nice. Oh! And you- I need to introduce you to Gavin, Sis."

And maybe that was wrong of me we hadn't seen each other in well over a year, yet here I was using childhood nicknames. Then again she'd responded to Clari, but calling her sis might be something else entirely. I had left her behind after all. Flicking my ears back I took a step closer, folding slightly into her warmth, pressing my nose to her ears. Her fur was fluffed up, though, and I could smell the worry on her. It wasn't something very common to her, or at least it hadn't been. She smelt of rain and what could be Mahal if I breathed in really hard. "Are you okay Clari? You look like hell, man." Seating myself I pulled back enough to look at her, expression worried and open. She'd seen right through my shit but I wasn't nearly as smart as her. Clarimonde would have to give me that information and if she didn't then big woop. I would just have to calm her down without it. "What were you doing out there anyway, sis? You could have gotten washed away you dip shit." But I knew those thoughts and those actions and I knew plainly that there was empathy on my face. I didn't judge her for it, but that didn't mean I wasn't upset by it.


ooc:// i made up numbers under the assumption that folami weigh about as much as lions? I can alter them later if you want xD

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

So he was improving. Something had changed recently to dull down the illness. The pack, perhaps. Maybe it was still a semi-new group for him. It didn’t matter--if he was getting better, than I couldn’t care less what made it happen. As long as Michael was finding some peace, I could care less what brought it. Though if it was the pack and they knew of his issue, then perhaps I really owed them a great deal of thanks and I should actually say it. But social grace was not my specialty, so maybe I should reserve interaction for the dogs that already know I am a complete failure. Not that it would matter soon, anyway. Seeing Michael would let me have some peace as I left the world, in whatever way I decided to do so. My friend was alive, and getting better. I could find serenity in that.

His mom was...I couldn’t help but let the corner of my eye twitch as I felt the pressure of tears push forward. I hadn’t appreciated her enough when I was a child, too caught up in my own selfish quests to realize she was the only adult in that pack that thought I was worth something. I couldn’t bring anything to say forward, knowing I wasn’t worthy of such things. Michael had lost the most important dog in his life, to the greed of another dog. I couldn’t imagine. When mom died, I was too young to care. When dad died, I was too selfish to let it affect me. Michael was a better dog than I was, he cared about people. His mom had been important to him and to lose her, I couldn’t even pretend to imagine. I dropped my gaze and let my ears fall back. “Your mom was an amazing dog.” There, that was all I could offer him. I didn’t know how to react to loss. It had never bothered me before. It hit me like a rock then that before my children, I had never cried over a death, simply been fascinated by it. How many times had I come across as heartless and cold when someone loses a dog they loved? I couldn’t think about that. I didn’t want to remind myself how terrible a dog I really was.

More than a pack, they were a family. Vea Apxn tried so hard to be a family, and maybe they were to everyone else. But I did not know what that was like. The closest thing to a family I knew were Michael and his mother, but I hadn’t cared back then. So maybe it wouldn’t hurt to go and meet this Gavin character, to see what the word means. It could just add one more happy thought to hold onto as I joined Michael’s mother in eternal peace. “I would love to meet him, bro.” It came off my tongue awkwardly. I had used to call Michael bro just for the convienence of it, but now my heart fluttered with the sound. Yes, that was what Michael had always been, a brother. Just like my husky-looking boy laying motionless with a defensive arm over his smaller brother, Michael was my big brother and he could protect me. That had always been his ambition, to keep those around him safe. I wanted someone to protect me. I needed someone to prove to me that I was worth something in their eyes. I didn’t want to be alone.

The mood shifted and I looked back down to my paws and shuffled them. Okay, yeah, dandy. I didn’t want to spill my heart to this man. Oh, I did, but he had found joy. All my life I had been selfish, and I just didn’t want to continue down that road. I did not want to see the peace fall from his eyes as he realizes I am broken. Because I wasn’t dumb, I knew that Michael cared about me, I wouldn’t pretend that I didn’t exist to anyone. To let him know my heart ached would be to damn him to concern. I couldn’t do that to him, not when he was finally escaping his own heartaches.

But I wanted someone to lean on. I thought Mahal could be that person, and oh how he had tried, but the pain was still here. Shouldn’t it have left already? “I’m a mother, Michael.” My voice was low, choked, eyes still on my paws. His contact was gratefully accepted, but it did nothing to give me strength. “But I couldn’t save them. Because of what I am.” I pushed into him then, greedily using him as my crutch to stand. I could find no more tears, but I felt terrified anxiety push deep, low breaths slowly past my lips. “Don’t let me be alone, Michael. I don’t want to die.” And there it was. I could have been swept away by the waves.

That was the point, and it scared me.

[I L Y I C H]

Huffing I nodded my head to her. Clarimonde should know better then to think that I needed any more then that. She was the way she was and maybe she had trouble talking sometimes and admitting anything but I knew that. I wouldn't judge her for it, shit was hard to say. I rolled my shoulders heavily, nodding again because I didn't really know what else to do. Wit always seemed the best approach so I guess I'd just have to go with that. "You know what she fucking was." It didn't come out nearly as peppy or loud as I had wanted it to. My voice was low and heavy, the edges whispering away to nothing. I missed her. So much. I missed her chocolate face and the way those wide amber eyes spoke volumes about everything she couldn't say. Mom had been so much like me, loud and defensive but so fucking open. It was something I'd lost sense my childhood. Once upon a time I was sure Clarimonde remembered when my eyes were literally liar proof. I'd grown up from that now. Lost it the way I had lost her and so many other things in my life.

She distracted me with her words and I turned my heavy face up into a smile, looking at my unrelated sister with enthusiasm. Gavin was being a shit lately for Skoll knew what reason but he'd be willing to meet my sister wouldn't he? We might not actually be related but we might as well be. Kerry I had no doubts had gone to find someone. To warn someone about a dog out at sea and me staying to speak with them. In all honesty I was amazed Geoff wasn't already peering over my head like the fucking creeper he was. Curved puff of a tail waving over my back, I nodded sharply. I'd found my happiness again in this little family. Maybe not so little anymore, but maybe Clari could find something here too. Something to support her through whatever was making her face do that thing it was doing. I would be her barricade if she needed it. I was her big brother and I would fucking protect her. Neither of us were good with emotions but Skoll dammit I would help her if it killed me and then i'd come back and haunt her ass to make sure she didn't do anything stupid.

It was in this state of enthusiasm that I met her words and almost exploded on the spot. Mother? She had pups? Questions slammed into my eyes I was sure and the hundreds of them littered at the back of my tongue. Before I could open my mouth to ask any of them or so much as congratulate her Clari went on and every bit of gleeful curiosity died in an instant. Heart dropping to my stomach I felt the audible swallow I took go down my throat. It hadn't crossed my mind that this might happen. It had never occurred to me. But Clari's mother had died birthing her. Clari was small, any full sized folami pups within her would have done the same and I knew this girl. I knew how devoted she became and how fucking strong she was. I didn't doubt that she had been willing to die for those children. But she hadn't, and Skoll had claimed them as his angels instead. Being a man I hadn't had to ver think of such a horrible thing occurring. Didn't have to even plot against it. Yet here was my Clarimonde. At a total loss and dead on the inside.

Because of what we were. Because it would always have a old on the both of us and Clarimonde's fate was so much worse. I couldn't even imagine it. Couldn't fully grasp the pain she must be in, and I knew that full well. But I knew what it looked like and I knew how it haunted people. Geoff had lost his family four years ago. He'd lost everything and even now the PTSD was still violent in him. He still wept some nights when he thought we were all asleep. This thing we had was a curse. A horrible disgusting thing, and though I would never blame my mother for the man she had loved I couldn't help but shudder and hate it. We were pets. Half dogs that were literally no use to anyone but each other and those few that we had managed to duct tape to us. I had Gavin and Kerry. I had the rest of the guys. Who did Clari have? I doubted it was very much. Mahal perhaps, as Bidziil had said, but then I didn't see the bony boy. He wouldn't abandon this girl, at least I had thought he wouldn't. It set anger aflame in my chest and I tucked closer to the woman, holding her tightly. "I wont." I swore softly, voice smoothing over the air gently. Holding back all the anger and violence. Waving it away because this is what she needed. She needed me to be that big brother again and I would do that. I could do that for her.

"I wont ever let you go, Clari. Never again."