Hear Me [bhuvy]

[I L Y I C H]

It was all very odd, going from just the guys to a bunch of kids suddenly mulling around. Not that I was complaining. I was a big doofus for kids, I always had been. Maybe I got impatient with them sometimes but I was always up for a gam of hide and go seek and we'd played quite a bit in the last couple of weeks. The lot of them seemed to have just gotten use to being kids again, stripping away the seriousness of their survival exterior now that we were feeding them. Caring for them. It all felt so damn natural, at least it seemed that way. Everyone was falling into caring for the lot of them. Even the two doofus 'super heroes' seemed to be liking having new playmates. Not to mention the fact that Geoff was utterly beside himself with joy. It was all really pathetic.

As nice as it was, and as amusing as I found it I couldn't quite help needed to run off on my own for a bit. Just a little bit. I felt a mild guilt for not having said anything to Ray but it had been more of an in the moment thing. I was good at playing the tease. At pretending. I was an actor after all, it was how I got away with being a completely awkward shit without anyone noticing. It was how I made off and pretended I wasn't constantly about to vomit from pure anxiety. The noise radiating around the small clearing had hit the level of 'too much' about an hour ago and unable to keep myself from starting to physically shake I had risen to my paws and grinning made my excuses to Geoff when he asked if I was going hunting.

Well now I had to bring food back I guess, but it was worth it. Damn my head still hurt. It wan't a bad thing. Obviously I liked having Christ and his pound puppy group with us. I liked them a lot and they were all cute as fuck and sweet and learning but damn. I couldn't take that much. I worried about them continuously the same way I worried about everyone. Fretted over what would happen if someone got hurt. Ray was my constant concern at most times, but now those pups had been added into 'things that I don't trust to care for themselves'. Of course Ray was perfectly able to care for himself but I didn't want to leave things to chance. Really I just couldn't stop the constant half frantic worry that told me one day Ray would get hurt and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

Which just made my heart start beating faster all over again and my rapid hike out here began to null itself out. Mouth dry I tossed a look over my injured shoulder, noticing that the limp had lessened slightly. There was that at least. It would scar something nasty, but it was healing cleanly. No infection. Michale had his own anxieties and between the two of us I was amazed we hadn't managed to bleach my skin. Ah but I'd gotten that walking out my anxieties too. Maybe I should stop straying so far away. AH needed me to be close to protect them, and my sanity wasn't worth something happening. Which in itself was just another worry to pile onto the stack I supposed but that didn't matter. I would devote my very sanity to those guys.

Mostly to Ray really but then thats how love worked wasn't it?

Because I did love him. It wasn't some silly crush like it had been at the start. My eyes tracking his form with mild amusement and something far more physical then emotional. That stupid crush had erupted into what I knew all too well to be love. Utter devotion. But I couldn't help my insecurities and I knew all too well that the guy was young. A hell of a lot younger then me. He had so much ahead of him and so many opportunities yet he had sat himself along side me for Skoll knew what reason. I wasn't entirely sure in myself about anything. I didn't see what he saw there. i didn't even know if he was actually still in crushing stage. Just crushing. I could understand that. I knew I was handsome it was a thing I used to my advantage constantly. But me? The real me? I didn't see anyone more then liking that. I was a silly anxious awkward nerdy mess. It was really fucking sad.

Shaking my head hard I made an honest effort to chase the bees out of my head. Not that it worked it never had. It didn't matter right now, I lied softly to myself. It didn't matter if Ray's affections were childish and short lived. I had him for now. Soft and warm. Open and energetic and all too willing to give his everything to anything that needed it. Loyal and proud and god I loved him. And he was mine for the time. Mine until he realized that I wasn't worth him. I wouldn't focus on that now. I would stay in the present for once in my life and adore the time we had now. But as much as I wanted to turn back around and cuddle back up to the younger brute I had told Geoff I was going hunting and I had to bring something back. Besides Ray didn't like showing affection in front of Ryan which I understood very well. We were pals Ryan and I, and I would be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't terrified of the day he found out I was dating his kid. Didn't mean I wasn't unsettled by it. Just a little bit in the dark corner of my mind. I knew it didn't mean anything but that had never stopped me before.

But hunting was the priority right now. Food for the pack that I was helping support. "No more internal freak outs until you've caught something dumb ass." I ribbed myself allowed, frowning heavily. Dumb ass was right. I'd come out here for a reason and that was to stop the 'too much too much' panicky feeling and then to catch some food. I had accomplished the first, and now I needed to work at the second bit. So I tossed my skull towards the ground and began to look for the tell tale scents and tracks in the surprising dry sunlight. Searching for a distraction and not finding one as I limped lightly across the muddy earth, shoulder bothering my only when I turned my head too far to the left looking as I circled.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Of course I followed him. Ryan was so distracted with pretending he didn’t absolutely adore the children that he never noticed when I slipped out after Joel anymore. If Joel even thought for a second my ears had not caught the sound of his voice telling Geoff he was going hunting, then he was silly. Well, he was, but still. I had managed to weasel out of camp only being stopped by Gavin as he begged me to let him go with me. Something about Barbara would be back from hearing a story that Burnie was telling soon, and something about needing space away from Michael’s and his new best friend Kerry. He had been rambling in some high pitched arrangement of sounds, his excited (though I caught it was not in a positive way) tone butchered by the weird language the boy spoke. I had refused him, saying I was going after Joel. He pouted but said nothing more, being the only dog as far as I knew that knew about Joel and me. He had made it clear that day he sent me alone to help Joel after the folami attack that he was aware. I should have known I couldn’t pull the wool over Gavin’s eyes, he was my best friend. This was why I felt guilty as I slid from camp, leaving him behind to deal with...whatever he had been moaning about. Barbara I understood, the girl was obsessed with him. But Michael and Kerry? I knew I only caught very little of what he was saying (I swear that boy didn’t even use British terms, they were simply his own language), but he was obviously going through something a bit more real than I was giving him credit for. But I got so few opportunities to run with Joel as my boyfriend rather than an...uncle? Yeah, I think that was what I sort of pretended he was when others were around. I would talk to Gavin later. I had to worry about me for a bit.

I had let Joel get a few minutes ahead of me, just in case Ryan was paying attention from some far off corner of camp. I felt the guilt in me grow tenfold. This wasn’t fair to either of the men in my life. Ryan had been good to me, and here I was lying to him, and making Joel lie to. I wasn’t ashamed of Joel or my feelings for him. What had started off as an infatuation build on looks and being treated like an adult, had grown into something more meaningful than I had ever thought I’d get involved in. I had never told Joel I loved him, the word had always seemed too strong. I vowed that today would be the day I let Joel know how serious I had grown about us, to let him know where I stood so he could decide what he wanted. If he wanted to break us off, I would take it with grace. I would always love him, I was in too deep not to, but I would not force him into a relationship he had never planned to make permanent. But if he wanted something stable, something real, well...then maybe it was time I stopped forcing us to hide in the shadows. I still feared what my father would do, but if Joel was willing to fight for this, for us, then I would be, too.

I nearly snorted as I heard Joel’s voice carry from a short distance away. The man was talking to himself. How queer. How I adored his awkward little quirks. I continued on his trail, catching up in silence, poking my boulder-like skull through some tendrils and just watching the man limp, stalking forward in search of prey. Part of me was amused, the other part concerned. Maybe I was being paranoid, but I couldn’t help but worry over this being that had become my very reason for living. “Has Michael given you the okay to hunt, hot stuff? Because if you have to get that thing amputated, I’m leaving your dumbass.” I moved forward quickly as I took on a mock diva voice, pushing myself gently into his weaker side to subtly support him and licking his cheek affectionately. Of course I was playing. Joel could lose all his limbs and fur and I would still be his, but the concern was real. I could not bare to see him get hurt again.

Guess love really can mature a dog.

[I L Y I C H]

I wasn't childish enough to hide the fact that I did jump just a little when Ray spoke. Large ears curving backwards I turned my head back towards the bullish man, putting on the best look of seriousness that I could. I'd totally heard him coming of course. Smiling meekly, unable to hold up the facade for much longer then a second I rolled my shoulder against his. "You really think Michael would have let me go anywhere if he didn't want me to?" I half purred the words, voice falling easily into the manipulation as it always did. Playing right along and pretending like Ray calling me stupid nicknames didn't make my fur heat up with pleasure. Laughing loudly, throwing my whole body into it I shoved him playfully away. Throwing up an instant mask of pretentious leisure.

"I'm of perfectly sound body" I huffed, slamming my weight down on the limb for emphasis. A thing I immediately regretted. So maybe playing it up had in fact been a horrible idea. "Oh shit" Half staggering to the side I made an honest attempt to not fall over. For once it seemed to work, if only minutely. Standing still for a second I finally gave into the embarrassment of proving my own self wrong, letting out a rapid stream of giggles. "Well shit." Standing back up, shaking the leg awkwardly I offered the ground a smile hiding my face and the blush burning under my fur from the younger dog. Good going Joel. Super smooth. Dammit.

Kid probably thought I was a big mess, I was of course but that didn't make it any less embarrassing. Rolling my shoulders I turned my sheepish grin back up to Ray's face, knowing he'd be laughing at me but wanting to see it more then I wanted to avoid the continual laughter I knew would come. Or at least expected to. He laughed with his whole body, and it was adorable. Wonderful really. Coming from the facility and then the original pack I had forgotten what it looked like. Putting on the biggest frown I could muster I stumbled into as regal a walk as I could, pacing away from Ray with my nose in the air. "Are you gonna help me catch something, dick wad, or are you just gonna make fun of me?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I turned my head to the side and gave him a crooked smile to his rebuttal question. Michael was not an omnipresent being, and he wasn’t focused soley on Joel. He had Gavin and Kerry to fuss over, and the camp was never below a dull roar since the pups arrived. I wouldn’t be surprised if Joel disappeared for days without anyone noticing anymore. Except me. No matter how much the man would try and hide form the fact, I never took my attention off him. Even when I was away from camp I was doing my best not to wander so far I couldn’t clearly pick up his voice or scent. Maybe I was little possessive--or perhaps even so far as to be labeled obsessive, but I so rarely got to be alone with him and this sent my body into a frustrated frenzy, so I needed to catch any hint of him wandering off on his own. I had become a professional liar, able to weasel my way away from Ryan without him getting even the slightest bit suspicious. As far as I knew, anyway. Maybe he was just as good an actor as Joel.

Soon as he lifted his paw to slam it down, my stomach clenched. This could only end badly--and it did. The pain was clear in the crease on his maw, however hard he tried to mask it. As much as it bothered me to know he was uncomfortable, I couldn’t feel any sympathy. I rolled my eyes and grinned my infamous pit-bull grin, eyebrows raised in a clear ‘told you so’ way. The man wanted to be a tough guy? Well, he was bad at it. He needed to stop. Or I would run him into the ground with humiliation. As much as I tried to swallow back the audiable pleasure, though, it broke out into a rumble of muffled chuckles, before breaking into poorly contained giggles. How had I ever become so fortunate as to get this man all to myself? I felt the thorns embedded into my forehead throb with a small prick of discomfort as my face scrunched into my laugher. My whip wagged quickly behind me and my abdominal ached with each escaping sound of joy. I laughed with Gavin and Michael, the feeling washing over me like it could drowned me, but it was different with Joel. I felt lighter. The fears and uncertainties were still hovering on the outskirts even as I bellowed sounds of shrill enjoyment with the lads, but those things simply vanished around this man. I was not just happy, I was whole.

“Probably just going to make fun of you, but we can hunt at the same time.” I swallowed back the sounds and pushed my way back over to him, demanding a spot once more on his weaker side. I leaned into him again, this time not as a crutch, but simply just to touch him. The laughter finished fading from my throat and body, gaze softening from joy to compassion, as I placed my head against his shoulder. “Joel, don’t laugh at me bro, but I think I might love you.” Whispered, small, vulnerable. I wasn’t afraid of what he would say, or the rejection that might come. Something told me it would be okay.

Something told me this was real.

[I L Y I C H]

I grimaced outwardly, but I was still smiling. Laughter was a medicine and I adored it in anyone. Ray was different. Carefree and childish. He laughed with his entire being and it was beautiful. Watching the younger dog out of the side of my eyes I smiled warmly. I knew damn well how open my face was right this instant, but I couldn't bring myself to shove it back under the rug. Ray saw me as playful. Flirtatious. Sure we were dating but we were also fucking and a part of me wondered if that was Ray's focus on this, though I knew that was horribly false. Ray just wasn't that kind of guy. I still wondered though. What would he do if he ever caught the quietly adoring looks on my face. I couldn't hide them away forever after all, and I wasn't even a little bit ashamed to admit that I had completely fallen for this doofus.

There was absolutely nothing fake about the brindle pit and I appreciated that greatly. I loved it really, from the view point of an actor who had always solved his problems through lying far too well. I adored had open and willing Ray was to give his all. To anything. Be it simple mundane tasks straight into his relationship with me. I fucking loved it. But my anxieties and my stupid fears kept me abashed and flirtatious instead of just fucking saying it. Because I was a coward. A total fucking coward. So I swallowed down my affection and hid it behind a virulent grin, pandering to the childish side of the man along side me. Hiding behind flirtation because I was to scared of rejection to speak up. At least not first.

Ah but first would imply a certain level of commitment that though I didn't doubt Ray had I couldn't help but doubt would be attached to me. I hadn't after all given him any indication that I was committed to this relationship. Fuck. The sudden realization that I had been hiding behind childish behavior abruptly caught up to me. Oh. Oh shit he probably thought I was using him for sex or laughs or or oh fuck. Fighting off the panicked anxiety abruptly flooding into my system I smirked half hearted back at him. "Jerk." I leaned into the heavier set man, accepting his support silently. The injury itself didn't hurt when I walked it was more the shifting of my neck that made it burn, but I wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to use my rose king as a crutch.

I enjoyed the feel of him too much. Enjoyed his scent and how very gentle he could be despite how loud and unorthodox he appeared. Ray was a boon and a shockingly calming presence in the constant mix of my silly turmoil. I liked the heat of him against me, solid and real. Ray was mine. And as much as he was mine I was his and perhaps that was just that much more evident if the rose woven into it's rightful place just behind my right ear was of any evidence. It was newer, the other two having fallen out as they'd dried. I don't think he knew I was keeping them. That was my own little embarrassing secret. My treasure trove of gifts from my Ray. Hopefully he never did find them, no matter what happened. I doubt I would ever live that bit of sentiment down.

Mouth opening slightly I was about to offer up a line of conversation, anything really the silence bugged me for some reason. Neither of us were really ones for quiet anything whether we were meant to be hunting or not. So my mouth was hanging open before Ray had even spoken up, and it remained as such after his low voice whispered across my ears. Looking down towards the vulnerable sounds I watched in mild awe, broken abruptly out of my internal rambling by reality for once. It was so god damn rare that the two actually coincided. But as previously stated on a thousand occasions I was an awkward fucker and when I spoke up in regards I did so in the most convoluted way possible because I totally sucked. "Why would I laugh at you when I'm in the same boat?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

And there it was, in all its Joel style glory. Love. I was in love. I was loved. Not in the ‘must protect’ sense Ryan had. Not in the ‘herd everyone around me’ sense Geoff had. Not in the ‘someone that understands I need do something stupid right now’ sense Gavin had. Just love, in the purest form. What had started out as a physical need to be satisfied by a striking piece of eye candy, had flowered into something beautiful. I meant something more than a relief at the end of a long day. All those intimate moments had been real, not just the actor doing what he thought I wanted. The fact made my muscles tingle, my heart flutter. Cheeks heating in the rare moment of embarrassment, I pulled away slowly and angled my skull to blink playfully at the man. “And here I thought you were only interested in tapping this sexy ass. My bad.” As childish as my tone was, my affectionate lick I aimed for his cheek following was gentle and sincere. I tried to bite back the small hint of anxiety, not welcoming it. I did not want to have the thought of Ryan ruining what should be a perfect moment. Gavin and Michael had each other. Burnie and Gus had each other. Geoff and Jack had each other. The pups all have each other. Ryan was perfectly content on his own. What about us? Why should we be denied a best friend, something who would trade the world for us, simply because of the age difference? What a silly reason to deny yourself love. Both age and the heart were uncontrollable, so they should not be factors in the same equation.

A stumbled sideways, breath leaving me as I crashed to the mud several feet away. Eyes widening, I lay stunned from the boulder-head pushing me aside. Ryan stormed without restraint up to Joel, having broken through the brush at just the wrong moment. I could feel the fury and I couldn’t bring myself to understand it. I whimpered to the man and his head shot around to look at me. “Just shut up, Ray. All this time I thought you were giddy sneaking around because you met some nice young lady that you would go gallivanting with.” His tone was low and I realized the anger was not towards me--with me, he was simply disappointed. I stared back in confusion. Why was he only angry at Joel? He turned his fire-brimmed gaze back to the man and lifted a lip into a snarl. My insides tightened. Ryan wouldn’t really attack his pack-mate and best friend, would he? “I should have seen the signs--the way you’re drawn to children. I guess I was blinded by the fact that I finally trusted someone. A kid. My kid. I just--”

[/b][/i] his tone was low, clearly too angry to find the words to express whatever was going through his head. I felt my own cheeks heat in fury as I rose to my paws and glared hatefully at this man.

“I’m not your fucking kid, Ryan. You’re no different to me than Geoff, Jack, Burnie, or Gus.” My tail was straight out and ears back. Anger was a rare thing for me, but I could feel the fire burning through every vein. “If I hadn’t been so cold, I would have just kept walking that day I found you.” I looked down at my paws, trying to swallow back my words but knowing I couldn’t. “I wish I had.” The atmosphere shifted, some of Ryan’s anger turning to pain. But it had to be said. I loved Joel and I was not about to let some possessive man I had adopted ruin that for me. I could feel him stare at me in silence for a moment before clearing his throat and forcing forward his blank-eyed expression he loved to hide behind.

“Well, whatever the case may be, you’re just a kid. You don’t know what you want and Joel taking advantage of that is disgusting.” I lifted my head, nostrils flaring as I prepared to simply let my anger lead me into an attack against the bigger brute. He could piss and moan at or about me all he wanted, even call me a kid and I will hate him for it but never lift a paw, but he was insulting Joel here. He was, in not so few words, calling Joel a pedophile, initially saying all those moments we had shared rape. “If I ever catch you alone with my son again, I will kill you, Joel.” He was hiding any emotions he was feeling by now, voice bland, though the outer edges held the venom. I watched him lift a paw to tear the rose from behind Joel’s ear. My body started to shake in fury. I knew this man couldn’t control me. I would report the threat to Geoff if Ryan actively tried to stand between Joel and me. I was done letting the man have his paws fish-hooked into my brain.

But that didn’t stop the searing pain from coursing through my heart. I had loved Ryan at one point, but I couldn’t find that emotion for him anymore. [/blockquote][/blockquote][/size]

[I L Y I C H]

Cutting my eyes across I smiled, not even bothering to hide the adoration. I didn't have a reason to. My chest tightened at the idea, and the pressure felt good against my usually sore heart. "Bonuses, Baby." Giddy from the abrupt certainty I tossed the words at Ray without a filter and maybe that was a bit much but he'd never really been one to give a shit one way or another. Though it seemed I could learn to pay better attention to my surroundings. With the press of his tongue across my cheek I'd leaned into him closing my eyes as I nuzzled against the younger man's muzzle. It only made the abruptness of my Ray being shoved away from me that much more disorienting.

Wide blue eyes locked on the bulky form in confusion for a split second before all of my processors kicked in and I started panicking just a little bit. Fucking Ryan. What wonderful timing he had. I'd just fucking purred a sexual come-on to a man that, while being an adult, Ryan considered his son. Oh god dammit. Ears arching backwards I took a small step to the side, leaning slightly to look over at the brindle hound. Was he alright? That was a really big shove and was completely un-fucking-nessisary. Just as I was turning my head to glare at the black and tan brute who had done the shoving I found myself knocked completely out of any train of thought I currently had. I wasn't like a great many folami that would curl their lip automatically back to the much larger dog. I'd grown up fighting desperately to make everyone like me and being faced with having a friendship torn to bits for no desearnable reason left my jaw hanging in shock. There was hurt in my eyes I was sure, but I muffled it violently, hiding behind uncharacteristic blankness as Ryan kept right on talking.

Muscles tightening I went right on just blankly staring at the man, folding into an emotionless equilibrium. He was calling me a pedophile. He was fucking saying this shit to me. Because I loved someone. Because he thought it was wrong because we weren't the same god damn age. It didn't fucking matter. Ray was a big boy who could make his own decisions, but it wasn't anger that fueled the mask I staged across myself. Panic set in slowly but rapidly building, anxiety flaring into absolute horror. Ryan couldn't keep me away from Ray. No matter what he did, that was impossible. Even if he physically assaulted me I knew he wouldn't' hurt Ray to that degree. And Ray was a stubborn fool. What I feared was him forcing me away from the actual children. They liked me. They liked playing with me and I would never hurt them. I'd never do anything like that. I wasn't a fucking predator and it burned me to think that he wouldn't let me anywhere near anyone.

Like he was controlling me with his judgment, but I was done being fucking judged. Judged for what I looked like. Judged for how I acted. Judged for who I had fallen head over heals in love with and I was finished. Ryan might be bigger and far more powerful then myself but I wouldn't doubt for an instant that I could outwit him. Outfox him. My ears went back sharply when Ray spoke up, his own fury making up for my total lack there of. And he had every right to tear into the man in front of him. Father or not. What rights did Ryan hold to tethering anyone? Eyes locking on my fucking boyfriend's face I tucked my chin slightly. Trying to communicate with my eyes as best I could. Are you alright? The worry banking into my expression was the first bit of emotion I allowed to grace my ebony features with Ryan standing in attendance. I didn't give two flying shits that he was standing there. Was Ray alright? My first priority was comforting him, not the dick wad standing before me and calling me a predator.

"He isn't a god damn child." My voice was hard as flint, and just as cold. Eyes turning away from Ray I locked them on Ryan's face and refused to budge. I was injured and older then this brute. But I was still faster and I was still smarter and I knew that well. I wouldn't allow him to try and fish-hook his opinions into my mate's skin and make him dance. Because that was it. I was claiming that title right here and right now. Ray was my mate and this over protective soldier wasn't going to stop that. We had been friends. We weren't any more. I found the coldness in my chest and though it pained my slightly I doubted I would ever no matter what occurred forgive this man for what he was saying to me. To Ray. There came a point when protectiveness became possessiveness and that kind of greed was disgusting.

Glaring daggers now and unable to stop the curl of my lip I took another step around the beast, wanting to be back by Ray's side. To support him because I could see the violence chugging in his eyes. If this ended in bloodshed I wouldn't forgive myself. As much as it would be Ryan's own doing I knew it was me that caused this. I wouldn't feel bad about it now. I wouldn't find fault in myself over this, despite how I agonized over it normally. Ray had told me he loved me and that was enough to fill up the chipped bits in me. But I would still feel horrible if I caused such violence between these two men. They had been so close, and I knew it seemed as if I was stealing Ray away but honestly if Ryan could just pull his head out of his ass Ray wouldn't be pulling away from him. It didn't have to come to this but it had and I tucked my ears back and gave an honest to Skoll snarl.

"You'll have to" I warned sharply, turning my stare once more from Ray's chocolate eyes to Ryan's face. "But I guess driving everyone away is how you protect them." I carried on cruelly, and I knew it was wrong of me but I couldn't help the jab. Letting on an exasperated sigh I moved to the other side, pacing trying to find a way around the massive brute and back to Ray's side. "You don't need to fucking do this. I'm not trying to hurt him." Quite the opposite really, but I had some sense despite my big talking and my growling. I wasn't going to go telling a man who saw me as nothing but a child rapist apparently that I loved the dog he was trying so horribly to guard from me. I wasn't stupid. But I was thinking it and though I kept my head focused on Ryan I wasn't so much as glancing at him. I was still frowning thickly around his shoulders, staring at Ray and for all intensive purposes just wailing for him to come back over to me.

It was the raising of his paw that shocked me the most. I flinched automatically, made accustom to expecting pain from the facility, but I didn't shift away. If he was planning on hitting me then so be it I kind of deserved it though not for any reason he had made up to beat the shit out of me. But it wasn't me he waked at and for a second I was confused until I felt the tug of thorns in my fur and wrenched my head away too late. Catching the rose with my shoulder awkwardly I just shuffled it slightly with one paw. Shoving it back into the thickness of my fur and ignoring the tug of thorns across half healed tissue. Little fuck head. He had no right. No right to touch something given to me as a gift. A claim. That fucking rose was important to me and this little fucker would apologize, and maybe it was sad that him knocking a flower off of my head was what made me the angriest but it was, and I did nothing to hide the very un-like me fury the was flaming in my chest.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I couldn’t even bring myself to assure Joel I was alright when he asked the silent question. Because, fuck, maybe I was physically, but emotionally I couldn’t imagine ever being alright ever again. Anger bit at every area of my heart and though I knew this was all partially my fault I couldn’t help but hate Ryan. I tried to see it through his eyes, the way we snuck around obviously made things worse. He would have been upset, but at least he might have given it a chance if I had just let us tell him right away. But instead we had hid in the shadows when there was nothing to hide. So of course he thought there was something wrong with this. With us. But my heart was too far gone from him for me to even care.

I watched in cruel amusement as Ryan’s disposition shifted to the lightest twitch of unease with Joel’s indifference. The brute was so accustomed to people bowing, having always been the muscle and intimidating. I would even go as far to say he rarely had to fight now that he was in the wild. Perhaps in the facility, because the humans set up the pairs so they would not bow to one another, but out here I was sure he could just stare at most dogs and they’d think twice. Joel wasn’t backing down. I felt my heart flutter and tense all at once. I could see now Ryan was not going to attack Joel, not yet. He was uncertain, however well he masked it I could see because I knew this man better than he had ever let anyone know him. I watched as he let his tail go from straight out to hanging low with Joel’s every word. If I wasn’t so angry at him, I would have told Joel to stop. But I was beyond compassionate mercy at this point. If the man wanted to play hard ball, he better be prepared to have some rough pitches back. We don’t tolerate bullies in Achievement Hunters.

I made a point to physical shove Ryan as I maneuvered my way past him to stand beside Joel. I said nothing, only glared and let my own blank mask fall into place. I had learned from him that there are times you must hide your emotions. Anger felt wrong, even though I knew it was justified, so I let it be hidden. Maybe I was a soft-hearted dog to take that little bit of pity on him, but I couldn’t help it. The man had done a great deal for me at a large cost to his own mental and physical state. The least I could do was not let him know just how deep my anger went for him. That he had snuffed out the love I had been fighting to keep. I would not be an object, a puppet. Folami were working too hard to break their strings, and I would not let mine be tied back on by a dog who was just like that which he hated most. I bit back on my tongue, knowing what was too far. Ryan knew he was very much like the humans. He had told me after the first training session with Jack that he could feel himself falling back to the ways he had been taught. I did not need to take advantage of his fears. He had cried that night, scared he would hurt someone because he just couldn’t let go of his childhood. I would never be so cruel as to point out he was living his fears right here.

“I see you’ve chosen loyalties.” Blank. The man was back in control of himself.

“I shouldn’t have had to choose.” Blank. I was back in control of myself.

Father and son, so very alike, falling apart.

Ryan flicked his gaze to Joel and for a moment that mask broke away. “Maybe it isn't about his protection.” He was gone before I could say anything more. So there it was. This hadn’t been about me. Ryan needed to be in control. Needed someone to look at him as if he were the world. This hadn’t been about me and Joel, this had been about him and me. He had wanted my life to be about him. I couldn’t decide whether to be angry at him for being selfish, or feel guilty for not letting him have just one thing for his own. I chose anger. Why should I deny my heart just so I could stay 'daddy’s little boy’ forever. Geoff was letting Gavin and Michael find solace in each other. Ryan had a lot to learn before he could be a father. I sighed after him, body tense but close enough for Joel’s fur to be touching mine. I didn’t look at him, nor did I drop my mask.

“I guess that is as close as a father’s blessing as we will get.” I wanted to chuckle it, to pretend like I wasn’t screaming in fury and crying in agony all at once on the inside, but it came out empty. Maybe Ryan wasn’t as content alone as I had thought, but why should Joel and I suffer for that? We could have been a family, the three of us, but Ryan had ruined that by being selfish.

Then why did I feel so guilty?

[I L Y I C H]

Loyalties? This wasn't about fucking loyalties. Why couldn't Ray just let himself be open? This was what I didn't understand. This desperate need for control. Everything else I could wrap my head around, give Ryan a bit of sympathy. Not this. People weren't possessions to be held and guarded against. Ray wasn't mine. He wasn't Ryan's. The man chose where he wanted to spend his time and with whom. I was lucky that he decided to stay by my side. This thing Ryan had with trying to control was a living person with thoughts and feelings and it seemed like he was forgetting that. It was almost human of him and the thought made me shudder. Ryan was a great many things but a bad dog wasn't one of them. He simply had control issues, and while that was enough for me to violently dislike him right now it wasn't a horrific thing.

But I stayed silent as Ryan spoke as he turned away. This was not mine to trifle with. Not right now. Perhaps that bloke had been my friend but he was Ray's adoptive father and the guilt that spilled into me with that almost pulled the snarl off my lips. Almost. If that fucker thought he was the only one with trust issues then he was an idiot. We'd opened up to each other and being rewarded for that by being called a fucking... he'd named me a rapist in not so many words and the phrases had been so angry on his lips. I didn't know if he really thought as much or if they were just ammo for his anger. I was leaning towards both, really. It burned to think too hard about it. Fucking. I loved Ray, and for Skoll's sake I should think Ryan could at least see that. No matter what he believed. My affections weren't wrong. I wouldn't believe that. And there wasn't anything fucking nonconsensual about us.

Staring hatefully after the retreating form, I felt my muscles all but dissolve when Ray spoke up finally. His voice sounded so very wrong. Empty and weak and I never wanted to hear such a voice ever again. I would fight the entire fucking world to not ever have to hear that tone ring out from my brindle's throat. Giving a heavy sigh I let the tension go fully, feeling it sink out of my shoulders and leave it's aching pain behind. "I'm sorry." It was the only thing I could think to say. This was after all mostly my fault. Silly old Joel turned up one day out of the blue and fucked shit up. Typical. Not that I regretted finding these guys. Any of them. I'd found him too, after all. I wouldn't trade that for any semblance of a calm safe life even if I did think he could do so much better. But it wasn't so much an omission of guilt as it was empathy.

Ryan had essentially just abandoned the man. Left him out here with me because Ray hadn't chosen to follow along with what he wanted. Because I hadn't stood down like the burley man had expected. I knew what that felt like. I knew it well, and it hurt so fucking bad. The guilt for something that had nothing to do with you at all would eat you alive. And Gods it hurt. Thats what I was sorry for. That my boy had to go through that. That he had been forced to choose. My gut tightened painfully. That we had forced him to choose. Perhaps it was Ryan who had started it but I had played my hand as well. Shaking my head to chase off the thoughts, Ray had made his own decisions, I turned into the smaller man. Pressing my snout under his jaw I curved myself into him offering a safety blanket of sorts in the thickness of my fur and the heat from my body. "I love you and I'm so fucking sorry it had to come to this."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I let it all go, the anger. I left the pain to heal in good time. I did not need to feed it with fury. Anger was what had ruined Ryan--anger and the inability to see the bigger picture. I would not become that. The humans saw their own little world and everything else hated them for it. Now Ryan was doing the same thing, and here I was convincing myself to react the same way to him. I was viewing him as one of them. Hate was such a human-made emotion. They held grudges and sought out revenge. I would not be that--I would not let their tainted ways turn me into a monster.

But the hurt, that was something not so easily thrown aside.

I flicked my ear to Joel’s apology, having to hold my breath to keep from snapping at him. How dare he say sorry for something not his fault? My muscles tensed at his contact as I worked my mental paws to finish washing out the nasty aftertaste of anger. Now that was something I could hate without remorse. Anger did nothing but force me to tear apart that which I loved. Anger over Ryan’s possessive, over-protective nature is what had made me nervous about telling him about Joel and me. It was that secret that had made Ryan’s reaction so dramatic, I was sure. This was entirely my fault and I would not let Joel help shoulder that burden.

I let all the negativity fall away from me, loosening my muscles so I could now lean into Joel. I was not a frowny-face kind of person. A whisper of a smile--though it was heavy, it was genuine--broke onto my maw as I turned my snout to press into the side of his neck. “I love you, too. He will come around.” I paused. I was not forcing forward optimism, that was not who I was. I was a realist. “I hope. It should be me apologizing. I made you join me in a lie that made things look worse than they were. So I am sorry--to both of you.” I would apologize to Ryan with time. It would be wrong to run to him now, because I still did hold a black cloud in my heart where he once was. But some day it would go away. I prayed it would be soon, but it was beyond my control.

I leave it in the paws of Skoll and, for now, I would just let myself grow in what I did have.

[I L Y I C H]

Flicking my ears to the man I smiled lightly at his returned omission. We would get over this simply enough. Or maybe I would. Ray it seemed had a higher capacity them myself for forgiveness. It wasn't all that surprising. Rolling my eyes enough to make my point I nudged the younger dog. "It was my fault as much as yours. Don't forget that you doofus." Shrugging I stood fully. "Right. So are we gonna go have to have a chat with Daddy dearest or what?"