Right vs. Wrong

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Given the choice I always chose felines when hunting. I judged myself harshly for it, but it felt better than hiding from the fact that I was a folami. Perhaps I had been happier before I knew what it was I had been created, destined to do, but there was no denying it now that I had the knowledge. Besides, the flesh was tougher than even a hardy elk, juicier. Maybe I was giving into my programmed taste-buds, but felines tasted far better than any other animal I could hunt.

That aside, this was my first lion outside the ring. I had forbid the experience from myself, knowing I owed too much to the pride that had lost members for my parents and me. When being trained I had done what I needed to do, but out here I had a choice, and I had chosen disloyalty to the humans until now. I was done with such silly loyalties to a single species of feline--if I hunted any, I would hunt them all, and I would do so with pride.

With this thought I dug my fangs deeper into the male growing weaker with each passing moment. My canines were burrowed deep into his throat. I heard there were some humans out there that taught their dogs to punish their kills for the sin they were born into by being a wildcat, but mine were not so merciless. With much relief on my part, my humans had taught me how to kill efficiently, justly. Normally I would aim to break a cat’s spine and finish them off once numbness took them over, but this lion had caught my scent before I could make a move. Her throat was crushed in my jaws instead and I kept my hold on the jugular, pinning him firmly to the muddy earth so he couldn’t run away and risk having his body wasted.

I wished I felt bad and didn’t take such dark pleasure in the kill, but I would be lying if I said my chills were from anything but savage lust.

In silence the man twitched weakly once more before falling limp beneath me. I growled in anticipation as I drew in my fangs and pulled back my head slowly. I had expected guilt and self-loathing to set in at the kill of a lion, but as my eyes licked over the scarlet flowing into the beast’s mane, I felt only desire. I climbed to my paws and drew back a step so I could kneel beside him and spill his intestines to the dirt. It had been the offering of some feline’s heart from one of my training partners that had woken the woman I was supposed to be. Before the friendly dog had offered me the organ from his kill, I had fought because it was my job. It had been the first kill he was allowed to keep, and he had shared the most desired part with me. Suddenly the motivation had shifted in me--I fought because I loved the taste of war.

Using jaws strong enough to crush steel, I shattered the man’s ribcage before reaching in with a gentle paw and cutting the ties holding in the still-warm heart. Pulling out slowly, balancing the organ on my pads, I managed to slide it onto a flat slab of stone to my side. I would save the heart for last, eating it in honor of my humans I disobeyed by wandering alone. I did not remain on my own out of disloyalty, though--I was a better folami on my own. My parents had kept the truth of my kind from me, disgraced themselves by finding refuge in the midst of the enemy. I could not trust my kind if they could grow so soft.

As if I really hated my parents. Truth was, I never wanted to have to hurt at the loss of love again.

[I L Y I C H]

It was the smell of blood that drew my attention. Savage sounds whispered though the air and my ears shifted back in response. I knew no one in this area. I knew not whom had been brought down and for what reason but my paws still turned me in their direction. No one deserved to die alone and the scent of lion whispered to me in a heart wrenching tumult. Post traumatic stress and all that shit. I'd tried to give my life for lions once a long time ago. For lions and a little girl and the man who had loved us both so dearly. They were all gone now. Whispers in the wind and the curving scars cutting across my throat told the same story. Voice gone just like them. So it was with nostalgic bitterness that I crept about the scene, keeping my face to the wind so I might not be scented.

The curving artwork etched into the flesh of my limbs spoke of my prowess. I wouldn't be caught by what looked like a young adult. Blood across her face, but then the burns across her features told of a different story. A puppet through and through. Not that I had a right to judge. My hatred for humans and what they had done did not hide the tattoo's across y own form, but then I did not have an innocent man's blood across my lips. I did not hold his heart in my paws for the barest moment before it was set aside. A treat for later and not respected as it should. Let them do what they wished as much as it burned me. A folami was a folami in the end and taste was taste as disgusting as I saw it. Yet I saw no respect here. No respect for what this man was and how he had fought for his life. Even the weakest of hares deserved that at least and that was what brought my fury up.

I wasn't a nasty dog, I didn't think. I wasn't mean or cruel. Perhaps overly judgmental but that could be said for just about every breathing thing. Yet I stepped from the wet underbrush with lips curled in silence. Not a sound could be made from me, with no working larynx I was at a loss for such things. The only noises I could make were sighs and snorts and neither seemed appropriate for this situation. Maybe it would be best if I just went on my way but the fire in my gut wouldn't be quenched. For some reason this scared beast of a woman seemed familiar. As if her size and eyes were akin to something in the back of my mind and this was what gave me my irrational anger. The oddest feeling of betrayal.

I wanted to demand what she was doing. I wanted to defy everything that had been forced down my throat for the past two and a half years and shove her face to the dirt. See how she enjoyed her own bought of disrespect. Hard tawny eyes snapped to the dead lion, it's entrails spread to the night sky. Perpetual night, just as cold as what crawled through the woods now a days it seemed. My eyes turned back to the woman, loud and demanding. Not that it would matter. I could not speak and many thought to ignore me for it. I wouldn't be ignored. Be blood thirsty and savage. I did not care. Kill as you would but it was a cowards showing to drop what would keep you alive as if it were nothing more then inanimate. It took truth to look and see the life you had removed. It took nobility to admit that this was a thing worthy of respect that you were about to destroy and to give them there do.

So I would demand this. Though she would doubtfully understand the darkness in my eyes. A stranger strode from the woods to stare at her silently. Never the less. I knew what they taught in those silver too clean killing factories. I knew how they put together cyborgs and it hurt my heart but I knew too that folami from such places learned best in harshness. At least for now. At length anything could be reached by kindness but this was not the time. The collar about my neck was tight with the sticks and bones I had tucked under it. Stories of other folami who had learned such things. Nobility wasn't inborn in us. Relaxing my snarl I settled a less angry and more questioning stare on the girl. Truly she seemed so familiar and perhaps it was the queer bright hue to the hue of her eyes. It was a bitterly familiar color.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I had began to tear greedily at the man’s flank, wishing to dig past flesh and grab hold of marrow-filled bone, before I caught a stranger’s scent through the sweet aroma of lion’s blood. I chose to ignore it, not finding any pleasure in the thought of interacting with another of my kind. I lived to kill, not make friends or enemies. I was happier alone--alone I only had to worry about myself, and I didn’t have to concern myself with the fear of losing my family again. The scent seemed all too familiar, but I wouldn’t put it past some of the dogs I had trained with to chose the independent life, too. If that be the case and they approached me, I would greet them but they knew me well enough to just wander off after a few minutes. My partners knew that I was loyal to no one but myself and the humans.

A pawstep fell close and I pulled my focus away from the heat of pleasure at the coppery sweet taste of lion’s blood on my tongue. Expecting the approaching dog to be a former comrade, I remained confident and mildly relaxed as I sat back on my haunches and swiped a paw over my maw to wipe blood away from my facial ‘medals of honor’. I flicked baby blue eyes towards where I knew the dog stood, and my paw paused midswipe as I stared awkwardly for a moment before I slapped it to the mud and climbed quickly to attack position. I could not understand why the scent was familiar, but this slim short-furred dog was not one of my partners. Mine had all been wolfish. Perhaps her scent had been stale in the arena from a past dog, but that did not make her worthy of trust.

I licked my gaze over her leg tattoos and confusion settled in while my eyes snapped up and my snarl grew darker. My facility did not do leg tattoos, nor did they use ink. They believed burning the animal toughened the skin, symbolizing the caliced soul in their favorite creations. Ears back in aggression, I kept silent about the odd familiarity of this dog’s scent. “Carry on, soldier, I am not open to sharing my kill.” My voice was deep, tone rugged and coated thick with challenged. The tattoos signified rank, but I was branded with my own facial and neck set so I had the right to disregard her status. Perhaps if I had not traveled up and been given such things I would have submissed to this fae, but it would be a disgrace to my facility for me to do so here. I was a spokesman for my facility, and I would not make my humans look inferior to wherever this dog was trained.

My eyes graced over the canine’s throat and for a moment the fire in my gaze dropped to a quizzical expression. Familiar scent. She looked the part. A jagged scar across her throat. I physically shook away the thoughts as I took a single step back. It wasn’t possible. I looked back to the woman with my eyes narrowed, lip pulled up in a faint snarl, though it was only there to keep me from letting my jaw drop. “Griffon Ramsey? M-mom?” I had watched her die. She was dead. Her and dad were dead.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

[I L Y I C H]

Refusing to be drawn into her angry stance I frowned at the girl. A big ego trapped up in suspicion maybe. Seemed to be the normal reaction. My large ears curved back around, tipping into distaste atop my skull. Fine winding tendrils wrapped around the woman's heart. I could see them in the anger. My Geoff had been the same way in the beginning. So angry with the world because he was mad at himself. It was how I approached all of them now; my brethren. Careful and sympathetic. Teaching. Desperate tot each them. Just a little respect for the dead. Just a tiny bit. They had families and lives and loves just like us. I cast sad eyes to the beast upon the earth, ignoring the red hound's rumpled face. It was murder, this. Not war. Murder. There was a difference in the way those fangs fell.

My Geoff. It was that that I focused in on, eyes narrowing slightly their tawny iris' cutting across the girl's scarred face. That. That there was why those eyes were so oddly familiar. Baby blues set like gems. Those were... that wasn't possible. Shoulders tightening I leaned back on my paws slightly, lips pealing back against my will. In shock. Fear too, bust mostly shock. How? I'd felt the world crash down with me when i had fallen that bloody day. Failed to protect my daughter. But there was no denying those eyes. Her father's eyes. The smooth expanse of reds and browns across her fur. What little fur I had lifted, sharp ears pinning all the closer to the top of my head as she spoke rapidly. My daughter. My precious daughter was alive and she'd...

What had they done to her?

Those were burns wrapped across her skin like cruel kisses. Proud humans had branded her and called her theres. Claimed her and melted strings into her flesh. All of the air left my lungs in one hard push, legs giving out forcing me to sit as it did so. My mouth wrapped her name but I could not speak. When my throat had been fixed at the facility they had had to remove my vocal cords. No angry snarl for their Griffon. I could still remember the disappointed look on the cruel training masters face when I had growled silently to protect myself from his toys. Jaws tightening once I had once again tried to force words out of my throat I just stared at the girl. Millie. This was Millie. With lion blood on her face and confused anger in her father's eyes.

My eyes darter across that face, those scars, the blood and finally across the dead body. What had they done to my baby? Oh I knew exactly what they had done. I had that anger in my heart too. The tattoo's told of my own prestige but in a different area I was sure. Fighting was my strong point. I was a strategist in my intelligence as thin and weak as I looked. Smarts could take down any dog. I'd taken down every stupid oversize brute they had sent to me, be it to fight or those horrible days when they tried to force me into carrying children all over again. And here stood my daughter, similar marks burnt into her very flesh. Her own rank and strengths made obvious in human cruelty.

Breathing harshly I took a small step forward. This woman wasn't the Millie I had thought i'd died to save. Man had set her young form on their turn table and formed her clay into something wholly different. Shifting slightly to feel the comforting itch of bone and bark against my damaged throat from those things tucked against my flesh I parted my jaws and made a motion to whine though the sound itself did not occur. I'd fought the world for her. I'd died for her. Yet it had not protected her. We couldn't protect her. Man had still taken ahold despite what had happened. Despite how hard we had fought to keep her from them. My poor sweet child. I couldn't protect you. I failed you.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

And there was my answer. The woman did not say a word but I could feel the air around us change. This was my mother, throat torn but still very much alive and with more to say than she was allowed to speak. I was not foolish, a scar like that suggested she would be voiceless, and as the silence between us stretched on, I knew it was true. My ears dropped back and I pulled away my father’s eyes. I couldn’t decide if I was more angry at her, or more ashamed of myself.

I wanted to blame her for what I had been, the disgusting kittenhugger they had allowed me to think was right. I had slept beside lions, fought to protect them, loved them with every fiber of my being. It had been wrong but I had not known any other way--and that was because of this woman and the man she loved. Then again, I couldn’t help but feel the bile rise in my throat in the shame I felt for what I had grown up to be. I had allowed myself to be changed, to let my strings be attached. I never wanted to think of myself as someone’s robot, but I had become that very thing. But it felt right, the deeper programming still in my instincts relishing with having found the reason behind the urges. Maybe I had bitten the ears of my cub friends a bit too hard, played a bit too rough at times, pleasured in the heat of the playful attacks. More than once I had had to be dragged off by onlooking friends because I was drawing blood during a mock war. I let my eyes narrow--I had always been a Folami, now I simply knew what that meant.

I looked to my mother with heated eyes, baby blue shifting closer to a shade of ice. “You and Geoff let me be a disgrace to my kind.” Maybe I was taking advantage of her inability to talk, but I needed to empty out my grievances so I could find the things buried underneath. “Lions shared my food, slept in my nest. It is wrong! Folami and lions are not supposed to be friends, Griffon!” My venom-drowned tone shifted softer at the end, taking a sadder edge. “But I was happy--I was comfortable not knowing.” I looked away from her once more, closing my eyes and biting at my bottom lip. “Everything’s different now. I’m different.” I flinched as I forced myself to look back to the woman’s face. “I am not your Millie anymore, Griffon--these burns show I am Product Number 437; ranked the very highest in my class; owned, trained, and commanded by Marcus Stimwell, a well renounced Trainer at Facility 27.” My tone got bolder, stance a little more confident as I positioned myself to sit erect as if saluting the words. My rank and training is all I had anymore, and I had to defend its integrity. I couldn’t let my mother know that not a day goes by I don’t wish for my childhood back. But that wouldn’t happen--I couldn’t undo all that I had seen and become. I would always be Product Number 437, sometimes called P.N 437 for short, and nothing more.

“You and Geoff couldn’t protect Millie, but P.N 437 can protect herself.”

[I L Y I C H]

Pain flashed across my face. Pain and the barest int of betrayal that I couldn't keep completely internalized. Of course they'd turned her from what I had tried to teach her. Millie had been a measly six months when she'd been stolen. I'd thought her dead. I thought them both dead. Perhaps that meant my Geoff was out there somewhere too. Alone and broken like the machine placed before me, her cogs rearranged from my last viewing of her. Ears leaning back and eyes heavy I nodded once, the tipping of my jaw slower then I would have liked. It betrayed the emotion behind it and that was not what I wanted. So be it. If this was where my daughter found peace then so be it. But I saw no peace here. I saw war and desperation. I had always been a rebellious teenager.

Maybe I just wanted to hear her call my mommy one more time. But that wouldn't happen. My Millie wasn't mine any longer. Tawny eyes looking at her for a long moment I finally lifted one of my own legs, showing her the tattoo's written across my flesh. I'd done what I had to do as well. I had a number and a facility too, but I suppose our differences existed in my hatred for humans. Millie blamed us for not protecting her. Perhaps the folami for their part in it, but man? I wondered if she had connected our supposed deaths to her masters. But then homicide and blood lust were man made inventions as much as we were. I would not grudge her that. Setting my paw back to the earth I shook my head once more, looking up at her with quiet eyes.

It didn't matter what she said this folami would always be Millie to me. I had given her the name after all. Placed it upon her crown months before she had even taken her first breath. I can still remember how loud you were. Such strong lungs. You scared your father. The memory brought a smile to my face. Geoff had started to doze in the night as the labor stretched on. It had been long but not particularly hard. The first sharp yell had almost rammed the man's head into the ceiling. I remembered so many little things about those first six months. Days when I had never strayed from the little girl's side. Days when the sun warmed our backs in solidarity. A happy trio. Those days were gone, dashed to bits against the ocean of human greed; but I still remembered.

You are not a product. Not of anything but you maybe. The way you see the world and allow it to shape you. Again the lacking of words did not help my situation and while I could look at her and feel the sentiment in my eyes I knew damn well it didn't mean anything. No we had not been able to protect her and that was our demon, but it existed in her as well. How did a child grow out of learning so traumatically that her parents were not invulnerable? It was a hard lesson even for adults. So I shook my head once more and turned my face away and the meek smile there fell into a sad frown. Eyes catching the corpse once more I stared at it out of the side of my eyes for a moment before I dropped my head and allowed the prayers to mouth on my lips. Everyone had a family and their deaths would hurt their children just as it had hurt mine. Just a quick little hope. Shaking my head one last time I turned slightly.

I'll go I said in all but vocals., mouthing it along as I would had I been able to make the sounds. If by some miricale you lived then I will find Geoff. It didn't matter what lay on the end of that road. I'd suffered enough heartbreak to be thick skinned to it now. I would not fall. Not this time. As much as it hurt and as the pain came pooling in behind the fearful euphoria of finding my daughter alive I would not give up. All I wanted to see were those baby blues, just like the ones I looked into now. It didn't matter the expression in them, just as the expression in these did not upset me too greatly. Because there was expression in them. Somewhere my baby was alive and in some way happy. And that was enough.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My words had stung her, and maybe in the heat of the moment my fury had tricked me into think that was what I wanted. But as I bit down on my tongue and taste the coppery taste of my own blood begin to flow across my glands, I took a step towards her. She was prepared to leave me to my misery, but it was a misery I was choosing for myself. I could not hold it against her that she was willing to go--to find my father. The woman didn’t need words to tell me a story--I was her daughter no matter what I was branded with. I would always remember the silent ways a dog can speak.

“No, wait--” I bit back the softer tone, the almost plead, as it painted my words. I couldn’t let her know I needed her, that I wasn't a perfect folami like my humans thought I was. My gaze dared to move to the lion I had killed and the word murder played into my mind. I shook it away, ears back as I stared harshly at the fallen beast. I couldn’t be angry at myself for doing my job, but having my mother here to judge me had reminded me I had once had an uncle with a mane, and cousins with the longer hairs that should have one day down as majestic as the blood covered one close to my feet. “I’m not hungry anymore, could you at least help me bury him--” I cut myself off to correct myself, “it, before you go?” I looked back to her with my hard expression. The man deserved a funeral, and with that thought regret weaseled its way into my eyes. “Y’know, to keep from filling the air with the stench of decay?” Excuses for respecting my kill, as if the admission of guilt would make the humans’ judgment rain down upon me.

I didn’t wait for her reaction before I turned back towards the man’s heart on the stone slab. I took a moment to dig a reasonable hole, then gently placed the organ in with an apology in my eyes. Scooping the earth over the cooling object, I turned back to Griffon and did my best to wipe the guilt from my eyes. “And maybe we don’t have to part ways too quick.With the sun missing and all, creatures are going crazy. Two heads are better than one? Until the sun comes back.”

Pathetic. My tone held a hint of pleading. I could already feel the lash across my back as I let myself fall into disloyalty. Once a kittenhugger, always a kittenhugger. I had killed dogs who said such things to me--seems maybe there was a slight hint of truth to their taunts.

[I L Y I C H]

I watched in my silence as she moved about. Watched the desperatations in her and felt hope. Maybe there was a chance here. Somewhere. This woman had been raised two ways, and I knew how that waged war in a dog's mind. Ears flicked against the question, tawny eyes focusing on the girl's face seriously. A blip, perhaps, but a blip I found pride in. Respect. I nodded my head curtly at the red girl's explanation.

A pathetic thing, spelled out to hide away what she was expected to be for so long. Didn't matter a cent if she said those words. Didn't matter that she had wrapped herself up to protect herself. Like Millie had said where I had failed a soldier could protect herself. Smiling softly to myself I gave a light shrug and stepped back forward, tawny eyes brushing across the dead lion's body.

Ears perked slightly, watching carefully as my daughter sheltered away the man's heart. Safe from scavengers, yet placed in a way that the earth would absorb him once again. Perhaps this girl wasn't as gone as she was pretending. Though it hurt my soul to think that she needed to pretend. Needed to guard her back from those damnable apes less they hurt or kill her. Maybe I was simply jaded on the idea. As big a hater as my little girl was trying to be. Never the less it was a thing I could ignore for right now. Ignore until it must be brought up.

I'd been given a chance, and that was all I needed. I'd honestly been ready to leave my daughter to her solitude if that was what she wanted. It was her life after all, but the selfishness in me crowed gleefully despite the wavery way Millie said those words. Smiling warmly to the child I tipped my jaw forward, speaking though I couldn't make the sounds. It is good reason. Agreeing softly I looked up at the black sky for a moment before turning back to the girl trying to hide the euphoria.

In less then the span of a few minutes I had not only found my daughter, she had asked me to stay with her. Despite it all. Despite my not being able to save her. Despite how she had grown and the way she saw the world now. My smile wouldn't be entirely hidden though, so I fought to keep as much of it away as possible and softened the fierceness as much as I could.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

She agreed to stay with me, her eyes accepting. I couldn’t help but offer her the faintest of smiles--for only a moment, though, before I hide it back securely behind my mask. I tried to convince myself this was nothing more than a survival tactic. Unlike the other dogs, I could be confident Griffon would throw herself into death for me--she had tried to in the past. I was making an exception to my independent lifestyle because I could trust this dog to die for me, even if I could never trust she’d be able to protect me. I had relied too heavily on her and Geoff in the past, and I wouldn’t make the mistake again. But Griffon would never be the threat--that was the only thing I could be sure of anymore.

The two of us made quick work of the grave, carefully placing the body in it. I had the upper half of his body and I took in the scent behind the aroma of blood--part of me knew I owed him that much. He was an adult male, he could have a family. Some day I may come across young lions that share his scent and I will know I stole their father. I deserved that punishment at least--the chance to have that guilt dealt to me. Maybe I would tell them what I did and they’d kill me, end this all. I shook away the thought, knowing that was not a path I had interest in. There was a girl I trained with for a couple months before she was released, Caiti Ward. We hadn’t been friends, persay, but we both had the same objective--just train and do what has to be done. In passing she told me I was a battler, her thick accent making her sound like she was just spewing sounds. She informed me it was a term her first home had used to describe people who fight all the odds and never give up. If only she knew how easily I had given up my identity.

Turning baby blues towards Griffon, I fought any urge to just leave her behind me. I wanted to stay with her, but I knew her presence would only drag me further from the mission I worked so passionately for. But I couldn’t leave her--throughout my entire time with the humans I had dreamed of one day seeing my parents again. I knew they had failed to protect me, but I had failed myself, too, so I could not hold it against them without first hating myself. Now was the chance to finally have that dream realized. “They asked me where Geoff was, back when they first got me. I know my dogs didn’t get him.” As wrong as it was, I let myself hold relief in my tone. There was hope he was still alive, and still the same.

I had loved my parents for who they were, once. I didn’t want to love them as someone else this time around.