The Heart's a Burden }{ but oh how i love it (ily)

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I sat beside that rather large child. I knew she was not physically a child, but Bokor had warned me to treat her like one. He had said she got unpredictable when put in adult situations. I was supposed to mother her. I had asked why he didn't have Yanamai do it, someone who was the same species. Bokor had insisted this was my duty, and mine alone. As mate to him, the Father to us all, I was the Mother. So I was the Mother to everyone here, besides Bokor, but to be a Mother, and to mother someone are very different. I could be called Mama Bhu or whatever the hell everyone wanted to call me, but I had no experience in any actual Mother duties. I had no experience to even feed off of--I didn't remember my mother.

And I refused to admit that I had abandoned the closest thing to a mother I knew.

Turning emerald eyes to the lioness sleeping beside me, I examined her. Her body was a train-wreck, but she was strong enough for me to even question in a fight against Bokor's physical form. Scars covered every inch of her body, and she looked to be nothing but skin and bones. Ah, but I could see the waves and ripples every time she moved--she was skin, bones, and pure muscle. At first I had been all too curious how an Akando lioness had gotten this way. Even under Ezhno's harsh rule the women never looked like they had never been fed, and spent every waking minute defending their life. Even when she had given me her name I had not grasped it. It was not until she was asleep that the picture began to be drawn. She would be restless in her sleep some nights, squirming and mumbling defiance or words of terror. These nights unnerved me. Just because I had abandoned my duty as peace leader didn't mean I was not still a naturally compassionate cat. I had hardened my heart to some degree, but I still had love in there. That was what Bokor was about, anyway--love and self sacrifice. To see her be haunted in her dreams made my soul ache--but I never woke her. These were her demons to fight, even if she was still a child.

Other nights were more peaceful. She would sleep with a cute little smile on that torn up maw of hers. A lion-like purr would vibrate through the ground. Words would be muffled as they came from her lips so, usually, I could not understand them. Sometimes, though, a name would form. I did not recognize it the first, second, or third time. But on the fourth, something clicked--Daiade, I had met him in a meeting with Mahal. Abeni, they had given me that name as the prisoner in their ranks, Daiade's adopted daughter. This cat was a tie to Mahal.

I flicked my ears towards Yanamai, who slept a few paces away. It was not night time, but we were full and content, so lions tend to sleep when in such a state. I had put the pieces together about a week ago, that Abeni was some blurred connection I had to Mahal now. Though, she had never spoken of her past with the Folami pack--in fact, she spoke very little about any past. Perhaps she was trying to start new here. She had come to us smelling of Daiade and death, though not blood. I do not believe she killed him--I don't believe she had it in her to be a murderer, especially not a family murderer. Of course, children that grow up in abusive situations mature differently than those raised in a normal home. Still, she seemed to defend the Folami any time any of us said anything in reference to them. Not that any of us were saying bad things about them. We were an unbiased group--Bokor insisted we be such. I suppose Abeni was defensive because she was so used to felines talking bad about them. But to defend those who made her prisoner and used her violently her whole life? A classic case of Stockholm Syndrome.

Abeni was asleep silently now, dreamless, maybe. I hoped that was so as I prodded her awake and placed a tail over her lips as she jolted awake. Her startled eyes turned to me and calmed. I made a small sound to make sure she kept silent, then removed my tail. I had no idea where Cult or Bokor were, but it wasn't important. Cult was below me (maybe I was a bit more arrogant than Bokor, whom was actually a god but thought himself our equal), and Bokor was not someone to lay claim over people. He was possessive of me, perhaps, but he was not controlling. Manipulative, but he would not say where you could and could not go. He would try to make his wants your own, but he wouldn't demand it. Abeni and I could wander off and never return and he would be sad, but he would not send out troops to take us back.

I did not want Yanamai to wake up, though. She was a nice woman, but she would want to come and this didn't involve her.

Using my tail as a reassuring guide, I lead Abeni from the other sleeping family member. We moved from the brush shelter and I was happy to see the downpour had ended and now it was just a mist in the air. This was pleasant to my senses, but I also knew it would be more difficult to disguise our scents and sounds, something Abeni was already poor at doing in the heaviest of rains. She didn't quite grasp the concept of stealth, never having had to hide from enemies, because her enemies had always been her beloved family.

I turned to her and she came to a stop, meeting my eyes with respect. I imagine she may have been a much more outspoken cat at one time, based on how she spoke to Cult and Yanamai, but towards me and Bokor she was quiet. Maybe she wouldn't be if either of us ever managed to get under her skin, but at least she was trying. “Abeni, I know you came from the Folami pack. Lead me to Mahal." That was something I had learned with Abeni--she doesn't take hints well, so I had to be straight forward. She would lose interest if I beat around the bush.

She seemed surprised and taken aback at first, but it was quickly replaced by a cool calm. I was impressed by the woman's capability to contain herself, seeing as she was usually so exaggerated in her reactions. “That is my past. Bokor says we can leave our past behind us if that is what we please." Was that defiance in her voice? I knew Bokor was the master of our domain, but the way she dangled that fact in front of me so arrogantly sent my tail straight up in aggravation. She saw the fire in my eyes and something clicked. She brought her head lower to humble herself, as if she thought I might have the power to rain fire and brimstone upon her. She thought I was a god by way of affiliation with Bokor. How naive, but very useful.

She sighed and flicked her tail south from us. I let my body relax as I reached upward (how embarrassing that even with a lowered skull her head was still higher than mine) and touched my nose to her forehead. “Thank you, dear. Come, we must go and bring Mahal to Bokor." I turned around, expecting the woman to follow obediently. Instead her voice carried quietly, heavy with saddness, from behind me.

“He won't come." I paused midstep and did not turn around. My eyes held sorrow and I would not let her see that. With a voice that mirrored her own tone, I answered back honestly.

“I know, but how else can we justify going to him?" This seemed to satisfy her as she came and stood beside me, matching my speed as I continued walking once more. She did not question how I knew Mahal, but I did not think she cared. I could tell in the heavy way her feet fell that she wanted to see the man, too, even though it hurt. Mahal was something important to her, perhaps as much so as Daiade was. Where Daiade was her father, Mahal was a cousin...though I felt a heat coming from her that spoke of more than that. A brother. Mahal was a brother, and if they had met in a different way, I knew Abeni would have loved him in a whole different meaning.

Like I loved him.

No one would ever be allowed to know how deeply I loved Mahal. I would not allow it. I would run my course as Bokor's mate with grace and then die by my own paw, the secret dying with me. I would do anything to keep it that way. Mahal did not need the burden of knowing a screw-up like me had such strong affections for him. My poor little puppy with the sprained paw. So vulnerable then, needing the help of those he should have seen as food. He had grown up to be a warrior worthy of honor. His heart was of gold, and I would have my silent envy to anyone who was to have the heart beating for them.

Abeni had been silent the whole time we walked, perhaps lost in her own memories and emotions as I had been. I could smell the Folami scent strong here. We were at the pack, that new Vea Apxn group that had sprouted from the heart of family values. This was a good place--I wondered absently if Abeni wished she had been taken in by Folami after the split. Though, I feared from what I had witnessed in her defense of them, she would not not have that thought. She must think these dogs were wrong-doing rebels, even if she loved them. I pitied her twisted mind and shredded heart, but I was here for my own reasons now. I looked to her, expecting instruction, but she was frozen to a spot a few paces behind me. The border, she was not crossing the border.

Without a word I went and sat beside her. And waited.

[I L Y I C H]

It wasn't raining quite as hard as it could be and the mist gave my heavy shoulders something of a halo instead of just crushing down the fur. With the night thick around me I could slip away for a little bit. Just a little while. Socialization was a thing I craved and demanded at most times, but everyone needed their lonely time. Time to think and emote. After all I still found it difficult to be myself around anyone, despite my connection to Logan. Despite my relationship with my mother. It was all just patently frustrating. Maybe it would help if I could just talk to someone, but Skoll knew I couldn't do that. Emotions were difficult and deceitful and nasty. No one wanted to see that. That wasn't what needed to be shown, especially not to my loved ones. I was meant to be their back bone, their support. Not the other way around.

But I needed to think. To mull over everything. Daiade's death hit me hard and I couldn't help but curl up a little bit inside. Uncle had been my father figure for so long. He had been Bidziil's replacement. The man in my life when my father had abandoned us. And now Daiade was gone. Just like that. Suffered and silent. He hadn't even known we were there and it was horrible seeing that. Watching that. I'd seen death before but not like that. Not by illness. Such a simple thing as an old wound, infected and ravaged. Disgusting. It left a bitter taste in my mouth and a heat behind my eyes just thinking about it. How long had Uncle suffered before he had fallen into that state? How many smiles had he thrown up to Abeni to disguise the pain that must have been ripping him to pieces? Oh dear Daiade. My paws kicked up mud as I half drug them, body moving restlessly across the pack lands towards the boarders. Just because I was a warrior didn't mean I couldn't preform guardian duties from time to time.

I had to protect them.

Oh but my poor uncle. The single bravest man I had ever known. Gone. just like that. It was so odd, almost numbing, to think that I would never walk out to his blind eyes blinking their kind greeting again. It was just lost. Lost to Skoll, maybe. I wasn't sure anymore. But then Daiade would be disappointed in me. Faith wasn't something you had without a fight after all. Ocher eyes slipping closed I sucked in a deep breath blowing the visible used up air out into the open. I would miss him but he wasn't really gone. I had to trust in that. The fire breather had him now, wrapped up in warmth. Comfort. Taking a second deep breath I turned my ebony body at the edge of my mother's lands, trailing the line and thinking.

Alonda and Val had left me as well, but that was their decision and not mine. Though I couldn't help but be jealous and a little bit bitter. They could be happy out in the wilds. Made better in solitude. A part of me wished I could do the same thing. Slip away from my family if only for a week or so. Silent in the wilds, and take my Logan with me. Ignore the looks some of the others gave us because I wouldn't know them and wouldn't care. It stung a little bit right now. I guess it always would. I loved the man. Adored the way he touched me. Felt my heart seize with pleasure when he came to curl up against me at night. The fact that some of my pack thought us odd hurt just a bit. Made me crippled when it came to our relationship. Made me question myself. Oh but dammit! I didn't want to care what other people thought. I didn't want to but I couldn't help it. I wanted to show everyone that I loved them all , because I did, but I wanted them to love me back. All of me. Even the bisexual bits. just because I felt nothing wrong with loving another man as more then a friend didn't make me weird. Didn't make me worth side glances. It drove me mad, and made me quiver with the need to find my sister and the friend she had made and beg her to tell me her secrets of blocking them out. She'd always been so much better at it then me.

It was in a state of frowning silence that I skulked silent through the darkness. All but invisible. It was how Nimrod had trained me after all, and habits burned into a man don't just flood away when he becomes distracted. With the blackness of my fur and the darkness of my orange eyes I wouldn't be picked out of the shadows and rain so easily. Not with the scents washed away so easily. It was how I approached them and did not notice, lost in my own little world and why I went still upon noticing their forms across the border. Heart thudding heavily I slipped forward the last hundred or so feet from the felines, lips peeling back protectively. It would not be the first time some enraged creature had tried to attack the wrong people. I would not allow them to get any closer, though on second glance it seemed they were seated and not moving any farther forward. Red-brown gaze narrowing suspiciously I skulked forward, shoulders rippling and head low. Tail lifted I step into their views noticing familiarities. Noticing but not mentioning.

I recognized Abeni first, though my stance did not weaken as I stepped silently into what I assumed was their line of vision. She looked even worse for wear then the last time. Where were her cubs? My eyes widened back out slightly, flicking sharply downward towards the other feline. Where were Cammie and Daiade Jr? Shouldn't thy be with their mother? Though... perhaps not so close to us. Skoll knew what would happen if Nimrod got ahold of those children. Though I doubted Bidziil would allow for such a thing. They would probably just be killed. It was more humane then what had been done to Abeni. It was with my confused nigh suspicious stare that I abruptly realized why the little ocelot looked so familiar. My scared muzzle snapped down sharply, staring all the way down to that tiny body. Bhuvana. Oh yes I remembered. Mother had been so upset when I had come home smelling of ocelot. She'd helped me though. Helped me more then once, and here she was looking haunted. So very bleak. My ears curved backwards atop my skull lips twitching uncertainly up into a welcoming smile though a portion of it remained suspicious. It was still so odd to be looking down at Abeni, let alone the long ways down to a women who had once been at my eye level.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Where Abeni lacked in stealth, she made up for it in awareness. Perhaps it was all that time in the Folami pack that gave her such ease catching their scent through the rain. All I knew is that Abeni tensed slightly, but not enough to signal a sense of alarm. Just knowing. I flicked and ear towards her, eyes blinking slowly in her direction in a questioning manner. If she was not alarmed, I could hopefully assume that whomever she scented was feline-friendly...but I couldn’t be certain with her. She had grown up and survived these dogs--her trust may not be properly placed.

Moments later he appeared and I caught his scent and knew he was alone. Abeni went stiff beside me, jaw-line rigid. Anything she hoped to accomplish here seemed to flee from her dying eyes. Though the shield had been there the entire time, I could see the cement fall in between the bars. Nothing more peered out. She had died right in front of me. Throwing a glance towards the black wolf that was now so close, I saw a similar look on his own face. Dead. Everyone here was long-since dead.

The man said not a word, nor did Abeni. Abeni simply stared at him blankly, barely blinking, tail not flicking, and muscles still. Mahal was close now and I could smell him clearly. The scent was familiar and I allowed myself to fall into a state of security. Unlike Abeni, I did not fall back behind a wall. I was here to see Mahal one final time, and to make a vain attempt to persuade him to join us. I had taken Abeni along to guide me--now we were here and if she wanted to play statue, then so be it. I would not. I had cut myself off from everyone, Mahal was all I had left. Kunabee had watched me abandon her to be Bokor’s mate--I still had a chance at friendship with Mahal. I wanted more, but I would never try for it.

I met the man’s orange gaze for a split second, leaning backwards as I got to all four paws and looked upwards to meet it. He had gotten even larger than last time--and he had been unbearably large even then. Now his size made me dizzy and I suddenly knew what it felt like to be a mouse as I caught it for a meal. This man was clearly designed to be a monster--I was so proud of him for working so hard to fight that programming.

Reacting on instinct, I moved forward and pressed my skull into the lower part of his chest. I just barely reached it. My eyes closed at the contact and I purred solemnly with it. His fur was lightly dusted by the rain, cool to the touch, but still crisped finely with a sense of dry. “I am very sorry about your Uncle. He was a fine man.” I paused, biting the inside of my check and rhythmically rubbing my cheek against his chest. Daiade had been a warrior of Skoll. Was I even worthy of mentioning the Folami god’s name? My heart slowed for a moment. Just because I lost my faith in the strength of Dio and Skoll, did not mean I no longer believed they loved their people. “He fought well for Skoll. I am sure Skoll is proud.” I stayed against his chest at this statement, but my movements stopped. I could feel tension rise from Abeni. Don’t screw this up, Abeni...

“Yes, Daddy is happy with Skoll now.” It came as a shock to me not only the tight, but loving tone she used, but the words she said. I had thought she would let it slip that we no longer had our hearts for those gods. Perhaps I did not give her enough credit. Just because she had a mental disorder, did not mean she was stupid. I was ashamed that I felt ashamed of walking away from the known gods to join Bokor, and I would think Abeni would call me out on that. But instead she played along. She would let me take the time I needed to grow confident in the idea. I was aware that she was watching me in her peripherals--I could fell the questions pushing through my fur. Abeni did not question Bokor, and she was working hard to hide how surprised she was that I would not openly sing my praises for Him to Mahal. To bless Mahal with Knowing.

I had no answer to her question. I loved Bokor and believed whole-heartedly in Him. And yet, I feared Mahal's judgement over the matter. Sometimes, dear Abeni, faith is not enough.

OOC//: I could not think of a good ending line, so I apologize.

[I L Y I C H]

Silver eyes focused silently on their conversation. I remembered this young ocelot. A friend of Mahal's who had helped him as a child despite being a child herself. The women was no child now. I could read the turn of desperation in every arch of her spine. They hadn't noticed me yet, caught up in the rain and the shadows. Perhaps if they did they would think me a phantom and look back and find me gone. It was all so odd this angle thing. So very difficult to show myself to those who didn't want to see, and twice as hard to keep it up. But these three believed deeply, even if it was in multiple different things. A god was a god, after all, and the magic of faith was not split into a thousand tendrils. Just one, and that was enough. Mahal sighed softly into the old friend's touch, shifting slightly to allow the smaller animal closer to his bulk. It was all so very careful. Like he was scared of breaking her, or perhaps himself.

Had my leaving damaged my dear nephew as well?

Oh I hadn't wanted to hurt them so. I hadn't expected the amount of sorrow that curled around my frame from their bodies. Maybe I was simply too self-depriciating but I simply didn't see it. How could I not have seen how greatly some of these silly mortal children cared for me? Ears folded back softly against the smooth ebony of my skull the motion giving the barest of shits to my dark outline before the settled forward again listening through the misting of water as Mahal spoke. His voice was so deep now, graveled as if he had swallowed a stone for every trouble that landed in his path. "The fire breather is lucky to have him." The young prince nodded sharply before he abruptly backed away. No longer wanting contact. He was worried, I could hear it whispering in the way his hackles rippled. What were these two women doing at the border? I settled my face in their direction, eyes boring unseeingly into the bulky form I could all but see burning on her seat.

My lips pulled back into a quite smile. It was so nice to hear her voice again. Quite and calm. No fury behind it. Just simple words. My eyes slipped closed for a moment before I stood letting the rustle of newly acquired feathers breeze forward. I had to say I did so love these wings, dark as they may be. Hati had told me they were the colour of the rest of my body, much to her own surprise. She had expected them to be white it seemed, but the old queen just shrugged and asked me to lift them up so she could see the underside. Getting to know Hati outside of her frantic fight for survival had been a real treat on top of it all. The woman was not the violent tempest she always seemed to be. Her emotions were locked away tightly, much like my sisters. Her paranoia thick, but with the suddenty of peace she had calmed. The winds had stilled and she showed herself to be a clever prankster, far more apt for sarcasm then viciousness. It was nice to know that the evil had been nothing more then a furious attempt to protect herself. Her mate.

As nice as it was to speak with Hati her body sagged so fully when Lucifer was brought up. It drove a pain into my heart the selfish part of me didn't want to admit existed. Not for this pair. Yet it was there, that burning sympathy. How it must feel for my old alpha to be ripped away from his only friend in the whole world. There were no true evils, I supposed. A lesson I had learned during my time spent being led about by the quite silver eyed women. We shared more in common then I thought, though she couldn't bring herself to comprehend my connection to Abeni until it was explained. I liked to think I had won her over with it all though. The aura about her had felt calmer then previously at least.

So I stepped forward, a phantom in the mortal world pressing aside the sheets of rarity. Wings tucked close to my body in some attempt to hide them I presented my viciously scared chest and a smile as proof of my person. A calling card perhaps. A portion of me wondered if this was cruel, though I hoped it wasn't. I wished to hear them all speak so much. I missed the sound of their voices, less the memories buzzing in my ears give them poorly fed volume. Tail curling quietly to the side I stood in a long drawn out silence ears tucked forward into the sound of Mahal's lack of breath. He had stopped breathing. I couldn't' help it, I giggled as I raised warm metallic eyes to the small group. "Happy, yes."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The pain that tore through me when he pulled away painted clearly on my expression as I lifted my eyes to his. I felt Abeni move forward instinctively, brushing her pelt against mine, comforting me with her contact. Bokor was not a savage man out to kill everyone simply for some gods. He was very much like Symphony--behind what those outside of his pride thought was cruel insanity, the love was so deep. He gave a home to the ones with no place to go, love to the ones who thought it could no longer exist. I would follow him even if I did not believe in his mission. He saved people. He had given Abeni sanctuary, and now she was happy. The wrinkles on her face said she had not been happy for a long time, and it was about time she knew peace and love, having lost her only sense of it when her father passed away. As for me, I had been angry for most of my life and he had saved me from that. I had cats who respected me and looked to me for comfort. I could provide that, and it made me happy to do so. I was no longer the child of the group, the one to be denied access to problems because I was too young. I was treated like an adult with him, and with him I could leave Alec behind and smile a true smile. Bokor was a good man. Mahal deserved to know a good man.

Was I justifying what my lips were parting to suggest?

A new voice broke through and I watched as Mahal's expression shifted. Abeni jolted away from me, and I slowly turned my head to find out what had caused the rapid change in atmosphere. Then the words hit. My ears dropped back in a sense of unease, perhaps even a little shame and feeling of not belonging. A voice in my gut said this was Daiade in all his glory, an angel of Skoll's. The feathery texture of wings told this to be true and I stepped backwards to hide myself behind Abeni's now quivering form.

Her expression was convoluted, but I could feel the euphoria rising from her pelt in waves. Bokor had done this, too. Abeni had been such an angry cat, and I imagine she would have acted hostile towards this man had he come to her before she joined our family. Now she knew how to be honest with her deepest emotions--she allowed herself, usually, to be run by the thing.

"Daddy!" The shrill sound of her call made me cringe my head back sharply. The lioness dashed to the dark-furred brute, leaving me unhidden and feeling all too vulnerable. I decided just to crouch down and remain silent as I watched the lioness burrow her face deep into the furs on his chest. "Daddy, Aunty said you would only visit me in dreams now. I knew she was wrong--I just knew it!"

[/b][/i] I wondered if Abeni had seen his wings yet, had reasoned out that he was here as an angel of Skoll's. I doubted it. That would upset her. Abeni believed in no gods but the gods of Bokor. My stomach tightened. If she found out Skoll and Dio were real, I wondered where her loyalty would be then. "I will be joining you soon, daddy. Bokor said it might take a couple years, but he said we will be happy and at peace afterwards. So I guess that means I will be with you." My heart lurched. Even if Dio took pity on Abeni, she would not be with Daiade. Dio was quite clear that the heaven will remain speciest, as not all righteous folami are kittenhuggers, and not all righteous felines love folami. He would not provoke unnecessary wars on his own grounds.

Reason one thousand why Bokor and his Brothers were more worthy than Dio or Skoll.[/blockquote][/blockquote][/size]