I'm Alive, Baby }{ That's good enough for me

[Kunabee]

Kite

I didn't give a da** about the mud out here. F*** the rain, f*** the rivers, I was being reckless. And let me be RECKLESS. It was stifling. Watching Ivan, doing Pride tasks. One mercy was that Kunabee always knew when to back off.
"Take personal time," she ordered me, "Off with you for a bit. Don't take too long, though." And then she smiled at me, that conspiratory smile as if we shared some secret. Life was busy in Esson, despite the fact we were rapidly growing. It was all Kunabee could do to keep the peace and keep us all alive.
I loved Sam. I loved the people in the camp - da**it I loved all of Esson, they were my f***ing family.
Ivan. There was Ivan. He was what drove me insane. Oh I loved that kid, I did. He's my f***ing baby. But I could tell he didn't like Esson. I know a parent's supposed to make their kid happy, but da**it Esson was good for us. I could see Sam brightening, slowly but surely, and it was healing for her. It was a wonder for me.
It'd only been me, and then a little bit with Sam and an even smaller time with Ivan. All these people - it was an adventure. And I loved them all. I don't think anyone can really get it, how much of a family Esson was.
I was running mostly to find the words to tell Ivan how I felt, but it was all sh**. Now I was planning to head back after I did a couple of stupid things. Maybe it would just come to me.
How do you explain to a kid with a f***d up life how people in a pride could be your family, how it didn't f***ing matter what species or breed they were, they were just family. I didn't get the concept myself.
I mean, I'd been living on my own or with Sam for my whole f***ing life, Ivan just came soon before we headed to Esson. I was so f***ing happy Esson came into existance, pop! It was a new age. We'd be making it happen. Falomi and feline together. It was for Ivan. It was for Sam. It was for Kunabee and all of the members of Esson. If we saved the Falomi race, if we saved the feline breeds, not through war but peace, we'd be heroes. F***ing heroes.
We'd be the changers of the world. I was tired of humans playing with things. In the end I loved them, I really did, but it was time for them to see they ain't gods. That's Dio's job, and Skoll's job, and while they do a pretty sh**ty job of it, they do better than the f***ing humans.
I refused to sit idly to the side and let the world pass me die. I was gonna f***ing free us from this sh**ty life. If I could make the world just a little bit better, I was golden. I was going to make this world a little bit better.
Now how to explain family, and changing the world, and all that sappy sentimental sh**, to Ivan without me failing like the motherf***ing loner I am.

[I L Y I C H]

She'd up and run off this morning with a grin and a banter. I'd blinked after her, only half aware of the fact that that silly cheetah was off on another new sort of game. It wasn't until later on when I'd finished up what I had planned to do for the day before I began to be playfully jealous of Kite's mucking about. She'd probably been having a good time rushing about in the rain, but it would do her good to be alone for a little bit. Ivan was unhappy, and it was wearing thin on her. I could see that, but then the child's parents were dead. We couldn't just up and replace them, not that easily. Not that I didn't understand Kite's frustration. We both wanted that cougar to be happy. He was our son. But perhaps I was just a bit more serious then my partner.

Padding away from camp as was my due with Ivan distracted by other things, I wandered carefully towards the canyons of the newly formed pride's lands. Being what I was I was built for such things. Ice crevasses and mountains and the like. But I was also extremely water logged and thus made to avoid the muddy edges as best I could. All in good fun until the clumsy snow leopard went over the edge because her fur weighed twice as much as it should. Honestly! Feeling like a sponge wasn't what I had in mind. Giving one last half-irritated shake in an effort to be a bit lighter on what were normally rather elegant (if I do say so myself) paws I moved back towards flatter ground.

Low and behold. My large tail flicked up at it's charcoal end upon catching sight of her tawny against the brackish red. But she had come out here alone hadn't she? My ears twisted back somewhat uncertainly. I was still a bit new to this whole 'lovey-dovey' thing. I wanted to go up to Kite though, and so with a small sniff I brightened ice blue eyes and trotted towards her. "What'cha up to darling?"

[Kunabee]

Kite

I was pulled from my intense speculation by the words of my beloved. I turned around, smiling as I nuzzled her.
"Got a break too, huh?" I asked. It was good with having my Sam with me. Sure, I had wanted to be alone, but now that she was here I felt better. I smiled at her, flicking my ears.
"I'm trying to think of how to explain to Ivan how good this will end up being," I explained, rubbing against her, purring. I nuzzled her wet fur, not minding it. She was the love of my life. She was everything to me.
It was funny to think how in love I was - this, with a female, when all my life I thought it would be with a male. But then I guess it was more that Sam won me over. She was a charmer, that was for sure. It was confusing to think that anyone couldn't love her. Not as much as me, of course - I won in that department, nobody could love her as much as me.
Ivan was our son; an adopted son, but still. We were family. If it was just the three of us that would be plenty good.
Though honestly, I'd f***ing hate to leave Esson.
"If you ever need help - with anything - you can always come to me," Kunabee had said, smiling warmly and cheerfully, offering aide to Sam, Ivan, and me.
And then there was Ashley, who said we were almost as weird as Vice and Daniel and her and Jazz, and we cracked up laughing; it was hilarious. It was fun.
Everyone was nice, constantly. It was different. Unique. How you could be so comfortable around people who would normally have you on edge.
But that was Esson. I swore it had something to do with Kunabee. That little Iriomote could work magic on anyone. She knew just what to say. Mostly.
I almost laughed, thinking of the time she had snapped at someone. It scared all of us - but there it was. Kunabee was mortal and fallible. It was sort of a relief.
But now I was here with Sam. I forced my brain to focus on that. Here was my love, my soulmate, my one and only. This beautiful creature. I purred harder.
I'd never give her up.

[I L Y I C H]

"Yup" I all but cooed rolling my muzzle into her touch. Ah. So thats what she was doing out here in the rain. Poor Ivan. He was a bit lost, but then he had every right to be. What with everything to occur to him during his short life. So much damage. I sighed softly in sympathy, ears flicking in time with my little cheetah's. "He'll come around, luv. He's just gotta think it for a bit." Because damn I remembered back in my early days. I remembered the depression. The uncertainty. How very thick the air was around me and how I couldn't understand how people could breathe it in while I was drowning. Ivan would get past it. He was a strong boy, and smart enough to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

"Safe here" I added somewhat forcefully. Trying to convince the very air around us. I was so very use to being unsafe. To wandering the wild alone, or in newer months protecting the silly little girl. Nothing could hurt her. I wouldn't allow it. Nothing was allowed to snag it's tendrils into my Ivan either. It occurred to me that my words were probably horrible convoluted but I didn't really think she would mind. Kite never really minded. Tucking her into m carefully I all but wrapped myself around the smaller animal. Shielding her from the rain and the worries alike. Fighting in someway to make it okay. Though it really was okay, even if my mind went to fast and everything was just a little bit confusing. Everything was okay. I relaxed abruptly into her touch. Into her voice and gave a low chuff in return pressing as much adoration into the noise as possible.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Had she really thought I wasn't listening from the shadows? Of course I would be following when my mother was already out wandering alone, and then my father follows soon after. I would not be left alone in this camp. There were Folami here. But worse than that--there were strangers here. So I followed my dear father in silence, stalking the shadows as my breed is so fine at doing. Perhaps they wanted to be alone, in which case I would go find a hole in a tree to hide within until they began to search for me. I would allow them privacy--they were in love, they needed it.

Ah, but this was not some romantic blather as I thought it might be. I was the topic and I felt my ears drop against my skull in frustration. This place will never be good, or safe. That Kunabee creature was foolish to think such a group could exist. Prides were a bad idea to begin with, but to mix in Folami. Sometimes there were good Folami, I will admit that. Ashley was a kind girl. She had grown up around that lioness and so all she knows is kindness towards my own kind. But the bad stories were more frequent. Denerbe told me things. No story was as bad as my own--of course I would be biased--but they were bad. She told me that she was the lucky one because she ran without real programming, but Daniel had it and he would snap. And some day Ashley would, too. I didn't trust Denerbe in the sense that I knew I was as much a meal as I was her pridemate, but I knew she was nothing if not honest.

I pranced over to the pair, smile set warmly on my face as I wedged myself between them. I pushed my face into Kite's stomach region, rubbing the rest of my body against Sam. I would play dumb, as if I did not know they had just been talking nonsense about me. Perhaps I would talk to daddy later one--he seemed to understand my unease in these parts a little more than mommy. Mommy was social, she liked being around these other animals. Daddy was more like me. Maybe not as paranoid, I don't know, but I certaintly got my shy trait from him. And experience. But that second part was not allowed to bring up memories. I would never flashback to that day.

"Whatcha up to?" My words were playful and muffled, face still submerged into the soft flesh of my mother's stomach. Despite being wet from the rain, I felt warm smashed between the two of them. Safe. Safe was a feeling I didn't feel when in Esson camp. Even with my parents around I knew I was not safe. The memory tried to push forward, that forbidden one. My parents had been there then and none of us had been safe. I shoved it down. No, we were safe together, when it was only us. Everyone else needs to back off and understand these two cats are mine.

Hear me, MINE. And I will kill anyone who tries to take them.

[Kunabee]

Kite

Ahh, and here I sat with the love of my life. I saw her trying to shield me from the rain, though this time I didn't protest. I just felt the perfect sense of peace. I spent a few moments cherishing it, living in it, sighing in contentment. And then Ivan, the very topic of my worries, popped his head in and nuzzled my stomach. I licked the top of his head, ending the conversation. I wondered how much he had heard. That kid was f***ing smart. A bloody genius. I swore it'd be a few months at most and he'd be smarter than me and Sam combined. And then what would we do with him?
He was already so... wild. Well-behaved and mature, but not really... well, it's hard to explain. I suppose it would be something you'd discover if you were his parent. Which I was.
When did this happen?

Mated to the most wonderful person on Earth, mother to Ivan... and here I was just such a short time ago with plans just to survive. Now my dreams were to see Esson and Kunabee's dream thrive. But more than that. To see Ivan grow. To get old. To maybe adopt more children. To stay with Sam forever.
Amazing how much you can change.
Amazing how it's apparently impossible for me to focus on the present. Sharply I drew myself back in to the feeling and knowing of now. Sam, trying to protect me; Ivan curled against my stomach. The warmth of a family.
How perfect it was. How perfect, it all was.