Way Back When (aw)

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Time changes things. I knew this. I had always known this. I was not yet ready to accept that maybe time had changed the relationship Carska and I shared, though. Perhaps I was being childish, but I found her distance from me and closeness to Rickalaru to be a gripping fist of anger around my stone-casted heart. I accepted that Carska was different than she had been as a child. She foolishly believed she could love, and that it was something all Folami were capable of. Fine. I would let her go on with her pixie dust and magic wand. She was making Folami happy, even if they were all lying to themselves. I was not opposed to lying to make someone happy. I was not one of those heartless Folami that only concerned over the task we were created for. We were living beings and we deserved some joy, and we are capable of our own lives. Emotional ties as deep as love? Perhaps not. But there was no harm in thinking we had the hormones allowing it.

I shook my head and watched the approaching child. Little Kadan was proving to be a worthy apprentice. He had been hesitant at first with my techniques and what I found important, but he now drank in my words. In the beginning he had said my ways were against Carska’s, but I could tell even then he wanted so badly to be allowed to be a true Folami. He was only a kittenhugger because he thought he had to be. I had quickly tossed such nonsense from his head. Vea Apxn wasn’t built on such things, anyway, from what I gathered. Yes, many of the members were of such a repulsive thought, but Vea Apxn was a family, and only that. They did not think their mission to be the slaughter of the cats. They did not agree that they were slaves. They merely wanted their rights to decide and Carska was providing an environment that encouraged such. After I convinced little Kadan of this, he was easy to reprogram to a true Folami. I knew Carska would not approve, but I had to clear my conscience. I was part of this pack because I cared for Carska, even though I knew I was being a very bad dog. I had to groom and mold this little dog into the monster I myself could not convince myself to be as long as Carska was alive. Some day, after my work with him is done, perhaps he may join the pack and I can let that be my apology gift to my masters.

The young soldier halted a single bound away from me and stood in his militant salute. I had not taught him this, but I had a hunch his parents had been General-like in their own teachings. In camp he seemed rather awkward, Carska not needing nor wanting such stern notions, so I let him do it out here between him and I. I rather liked it--it was a useful habit to get into for when he did join the pack. Respect for superiors was something Folami demanded. Kadan could very well get himself killed if he failed to salute a high ranking officer if that officer is having a bad day. Or is just that type of dog. “At ease, soldier.” His shoulders moved forward slightly as my rough voice sounded calmly. I carefully stowed away the depression and anger over Carska, masking it perfectly with a blank tone.

I watched him in silence for a moment as he sat down with head high and bushy tail sitting flat out behind him. He was a long limbed man, and rather coyote-like in his face and colors. But this lad was no coyote--the bulk of muscle on those limbs and chest spoke true of his Folami genes. Already he scarred from wounds he had taken in our battle training, hidden carefully, and almost artistically, with hardened mud so as to go undetected by the pack. They were long; right shoulder across the chest to left armpit. Neither him nor I knew how the pack would respond to such brutal, unrestrained training. It had been Kadan who suggested I smear some mud on the wound once it stopped bleeding. I remembered my restrained pride I felt when he said called them all pansies. I had reprimanded him for it, but I knew he could see the laughter behind my scold.

I began to pace in front of him, head high and eyes focused upwards towards the sky. His own gaze followed my movements, facial expression betraying nothing, without his head ever moving from its locked position. Eyes narrowing, I angled my skull forward and stared at the terrain ahead of me, continuing my pace. “You have trained hard. I have fought you and seen your skills improve in the short time you have been my apprentice. In battle, you’re brave and quick-witted. Against felines, you have successfully judged the strengths of each species and used their tactics against them. However, I have yet to test your ability to hunt alone.” I stopped pacing, looking over my shoulder at the man as he continued to stare with little to no expression on his face. “Teamwork is an important part of the Folami hunting technique, but we do tend to hunt alone, sometimes. I want to see how well you can do so.” I turned towards him now, body angled directly at him, gaze boring down into his lifeless eyes. “If it is an orphan or an ocelot you catch, do not bother coming home.” Harsh, but affective, the man’s blank look grew serious as his ears perked forward to drink in my words. “If it is a child you catch, it best smell of its mother’s milk or blood, so I can know you took it right from beneath a raging female.” A dark smirk curled my lips. “Bonus points for tigers, of course.” With that I turned away, closing my eyes and waving my tail in dismissal. Like the fine little soldier he was, the boy flew off without a word of protest, paws barely making a sound as they splashed down into muddy terrain.

As his scent washed away by the continuous rain, I sat back down in the shelterless scrubland, letting my General air fade with it. Shoulders scrunched forward, I let myself fall into the mud, splashing the filth into my twilight form. No wonder Carska cared more for Rickalaru than me--I betrayed her every change I got. My loyalty to the humans somehow overpowered my loyalty to her. Through me, they were working from within Vea Apxn. Was I programmed this way? Had the humans implanted some device into me while sleeping once Carska set up Vea Apxn? Is this how I suddenly found her, after all this time? Is this why I refused to change, yet refused to let go of Carska, who was actively changing her and her family? Is this why I secretly wanted Carska’s children to call me Aunty, but found it too repulsive an idea at the same time, thus not allowing myself to let them?

I stood up, sat down, and let out a howl. I was not so nieve as to deny we had wolf in our genes. Some instincts were too strong to ignore. It was a sad sound, but always weighed heavy with anger and frustration. How was I to be the beta of Vea Apxn if all I could do was teach their children against their ways, and get angry at Carska for choosing Rickalaru’s friendship over mine?

My ears fell back and the howl grew more heated as Rickalaru’s name burst through my mind like a broken record. That dog was what was ruining mine and Carska’s friendship. It was not Carska’s ability to change, and my inability to follow her lead. It was that damn female. I’d kill her if I didn’t doubt that I could hide it from Carska. I had been the one to lay at Carska’s side as her brother died. I had offered her comfort on his death bed. Rickalaru wasn’t even there. In Carska’s hardest hour, that shedog had been missing in action. Yet, somehow, my desire to comfort her went unnoticed. Quite frankly, I was sick of it.

[I L Y I C H]

I'm breaking in shaping up
then checking out on the prison bus

Soldier boys run away from home at such a young age. Beautiful palaces of glass built up in their heads of their ideas of the world. What a disgusting habit. Coal dust would start to settle soon. All over those silly thoughts, and 'individualistic' ways of seeing the world. It would grow thick with remorse. Hate. Twas the folami way. Always the folami way. But alas. Cold blue eyes followed Kadan's path as he vanished. Perhaps he would die today on this silly little journey. Another casualty too small to find all the pieces for. Jaws parted as I lay silent as the dead beneath whatever growth had appeared in these last few weeks of rain I pondered. He would go out and do his duty to his supposed gods. Annoying. Boring. The reality of the situation was that the boy wished to have such good graces as the respect of his commander. Newsoul was that commander.

It was interesting. Socially Kadan had the mind of a grasshopper. Yet his military instincts were so very keyed up. A product of Hati's way of thinking? Most likely. Lucy hadn't had much to do with his spawn. A child who desired respect but not companionship. A folami by every man idolized right. Moronic. The good thing about this adorable little prairie fantasy was free will. Maiming oneself to fit into a nice little soldier box was all in all not only childish but so very limiting. There was so much one could accomplish when one simply let those silly little strings go. Burn them to the ground. Dissolve them in sheer vitriol. Growing old in the world did that to puppet strings. A man grows bored with puppeteers when he begins to dabble in the true evils of the disgusting beautiful old world. A little soldier boy outgrows the idea of 'social boundaries' when he starts to see the black dust settling. Oh but they never see it until right at the end. They never see the evil until the black is closing in.Then they understand.

Everyone deserves to die, for some reason or another.

The smog in my head was clouding my judgment however. Lost to the haze I stood silently, dead expression following the traitor away. Roving. How easy would it be to prowl up to him. Trusted adviser. The lead medic. How simple to just lean a bit too close. A tooth out of line. life was such a weak thing. So very fragile. Easily dismantled. And what he was doing was traitorous. Perhaps not to him. Perhaps not in the Alpha's eyes, but I knew that woman. Felt loyalty to her. It did not matter anothers views. Long ago I had acquired the title of hell hound. Of reaper. I was no god but I knew what was wrong. What was right. Yet I let him go. Watched him leave, very aware that the new beta was too close for my retaliation. I wasn't facing her, and with her twilight face shoved into the muck I doubted she could see me, but I kept my expression schooled even as a rather violent tweak shot up my spine.

I had been gone a good week. If anyone was looking for me they were at a loss. If she was looking for me then it was for the best that they had not found me. Traitors were everywhere. When they found me out she would be hurt as well. I would not allow it. Violence was a necessary catalyst in the world and I would not be halted, but she could not be harmed. Not because of me. Silly old coal coated Paradox.

My own fucking brother.

The snarl that ripped out of me at the reminder could have been considered bone chilling, had I actually moved with it. As it were the only thing that shifter were my lips, and then only out of reflex. The tips of crimson splashed fangs were revealed for the shortest of moments before I forced composure once more. Not in front of your beta darling. Not now. I turned my head abruptly, a pleasant smile carved out of nothing but sheer annoyance carved into my face. Too much stimuli. I disliked this place. Too many distraction. not to mention the fact that by allowing myself back here I was trailing all the blood I had been too distracted and lazy to clean from my bi-coloured pelt into my own scent trail. Cats and dogs alike. They would know now. Anyone who sniffed it would know. Didn't matter. Wasn't going back anyway. Just wanted- no. Don't want anything. Face all together blank except for the polite quip of a smile I turned fully towards the beta.

"Quoi de neuf?"

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[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

How long since I had had a real conversation with another living being? I spoke to only Kadan with any real depth now, and even the words towards him were skin deep. Carska was an alphess, she had no time for beta number two when beta number one was just so perfect. Well, she wasn’t perfect. I could smell the rival pack’s scent on her time to time. She reached out for the proper path, she just was willing to sell her own interests in order to gain the favor of the queen. Fine. Whatever. I was not about to shove a soul into me when there was no space for it. I was built in a lab and thus I was a machine. Perhaps I malfunctioned in many aspect, as such I did not feel I belonged to the humans as property. I could do as I please, and I would. It just so happened my pleasures rode right alongside what the humans wanted. Maybe it was programming, but I preferred to consider it a coincidence, for my own peace of mind.

Ah, but this was not to be milled over now--I had a visitor. Ears perking forward, I swallowed my howl. Eyes going from the emotion-drowned aqua to a lifeless dusty blue, I stared at the man that spoke such foreign tongue. Why he did so was beyond me. I knew this dog--he had been in Vea Apxn when I had first joined. Not long after he had disappeared. It had been about a week now and dogs were searching at their own pace. That scarlet women did nothing but search, though her heart was not in it. I could smell this man on her, so I assumed them mates. When I questioned her why she was not more feverish in her search, she said, in a soft but quiet voice, that Paradox needs time alone sometimes. There had been something off about her tone, but it was not like me to dive into such things as emotional relationships. I had dropped it and, after a few moments, wandered off and had not given it a second thought.

Choosing to ignore his odd tongued words, I merely watched him with cautious dominance, continuing to sit with ears forward and eyes focused. “Ah, Paradox, you have returned.” My nose twitched as I let myself take in his scent. He had been in Akando--and there was blood mixing with it. Narrowing my eyes, I had to force a look of reprimand into my eyes. “Have you been hunting Akando lions? You should know that Carska values some political treaty with them. Should you broach the contract, you are disobeying your alphess and creating unwanted enemies.” Even though my words were scolding, I did not hold such a disapproving tone. In fact, it was almost bland, as if I were merely a recording speaking what I was told to say simply because I was told to do so. As far as I was concerned, treaties with prides were a foolish affair. Prides were nothing more than a buffet for Folami--or this is how it should be viewed.

Standing, I let out a sigh of dismissal over the issue, turning towards the camp’s direction. With a tired tone, I beckoned the man. “Come, the pack will be oh so thrilled to have you returned to us.” Being a beta of a pack you loath the ideals of could do so much to bring down a dog’s enthusiasm for life.

[I L Y I C H]

I'm breaking in shaping up
then checking out on the prison bus

"Why." There was no question to it. I didn't truly care one way or the other. There was no point to political treaties with anyone. They would just find a loop hole, or else all out ignore it. Especially with Akando. Didn't history teach these morons anything? Damn cats. damn dogs. Why was everyone so short minded? It would simply be easier to wipe everyone off the face of the earth, but boo on silly old Paradox. That would be genocide. Why didn't we all just off and attack the humans already? Wasn't that the big huffy issue? We'd all die trying or actually get rid of the issue. Brilliant. But again with that silly little genocide issue. My smile broke fading down into something of a frown. "I have been hunting a lot of things Madam Beta. The origins and species of such things matter not." I paused for a moment well aware that the current levels of my psychosis had brought my accent out in full.

"Treaties are worthless things, and I am no brother of Carska's." He's dead. That aside I was no member of Vea Apxn. Not anymore. I'd let Fido live but it'd been so very badly injured. Surely it tattled on me. Neat little tetras blocks just piling up. Maybe she'd give up on me and go somewhere that she could actually do good with that beautiful mind. A natural paradox is a lost cause. "Wrong. We are folami my dear. The world is our natural enemy and we love it." My smile came back, quiet and deadly. Carska valued a lot of things. Her idealism had lead to her destruction so many times and yet there she was once again. Hard headed and trying to bash her way through a castle wall. Oh I respected a woman. Anyone as strong willed as that creature deserved at least a little consideration. Conviction was nothing to jeer at, but it was still sad. So very sad.

My attention refocused on the bored beta, eyes sharpening to a degree that spoke of vigilance. Now dear Newsoul. I knew nothing of this ebony woman. An old friend of Carska's. Perhaps they had been raised together, or else trained together. I'd once heard the Alpha refer to this beast as sister so perhaps they were training partners indeed. Lost to time. It must be hard seeing someone change so greatly from your last memory of them. It was so much easier to just hold onto it and pretend like they died. Though after they do die you can't help but be desperate for them, so perhaps it was indeed a two way street. Or a massively dangerous one way trail. "No." I titled my head to the side, seating myself slowly black tail billowing out behind me as I ignored all of her dominating attempts.

I am still bigger then you sweet heart.

"I am not one of you. I am far happier out on the killing trail, and that aside they do not care for where I go." I had all too often vanished on my own for a time. Less so after She and I had grown closer after Kamou's death. But still. Phantom was my middle name, and I doubted anyone was truly worried. Perhaps Her. But no one else. Why would anyone else mind at all? A silly concept. My smile grew a fraction larger teeth bared slightly in warning. I wasn't to be trifled with, even after my semi omission of no longer belong to this pack. Newsoul could not chase me off alone, and she would be dead before the others got here to protect her. I just wanted to sit about a bit in quiet. Or perhaps a small chat. "I see Kadan is growing into a fine robot. Strong in his skill but weak in the mind as most of them are."

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[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I turned around with his question that was not a question. I could not answer it even it were curved upwards at the end to make me think he wanted an answer. How was I to explain what I myself did not understand or agree with? I found myself daring a rigid smile as I turned fully and sat to face this man. This could prove all too interesting. This man spoke the very things that too often went through my head when Carska spoke her gibberish. Okay, yes, I would play along here and keep this dog a secret if this is what he wanted. He was obeying the humans more on his own than in Vea Apxn anyway. He was at least actively hunting. I have yet to see an organized feline hunt in Vea Apxn. But that wasn’t the point, was it?

“You cannot say they do not care and mean it for everyone, Paradox.” I watched him closely, eyes narrowed. Maybe I was wrong about him and the scarlet woman? Perhaps she was just a mother-hen type? But his scent had been so strong on her. Though she tried to seem accepting of the fact that Paradox needed 'time alone’, as she put it, there had been something almost desperate about her. She guarded it well, but I had sensed it behind her carefully molded smile. “What about that scarlet woman? She seems to care where you are.” I gave him a look that was perhaps a little too challenging. He was larger than I, perhaps stronger, but I did not feel threatened by him. Perhaps I was being silly, but I saw myself being safe here. “Quite a bit, actually.” She had shrugged off his absence outwardly, but it had shown in her eyes--she was frantic.

It was then he dared to speak illy of Kadan. Maybe I was selfish in my immediate reaction--perhaps my ears dropped back and the fur along my spine rose because he was insulting my pride by speaking lowly of my apprentice. Though, perhaps I didn’t give a damn about my pride--maybe I was simply protecting the child’s right to do as he pleased. “Kadan is no fucking robot, hound. He makes his own decisions. Just because a dog sees a feline as worthless, does not mean he believes so for the human’s sake.” I was angry now, rising to all four paws with head low and ears back, teeth showing just slightly in the early stages of a snarl. “I kill felines because I hate them. If this pleases the humans, then so be it. I merely open the door for Kadan to make this decision himself. He can go and be switched over to Mahal as mentor at any moment, if he wished.” Any semi kind thoughts towards this dog, and guarded concern for his relationship with the scarlet one, were gone. He had insulted my pride. No--he had insulted my Kadan.

[I L Y I C H]

I'm breaking in shaping up
then checking out on the prison bus

I smiled coldly at the woman. She knew nothing. Understood little. The grimness in my expression fell into the breach of whatever Fido had opened up in my brain. Traitors. Disgusting. No one to trust, except her but that would get her killed by the others. Paranoia spilled like acid behind my expression, eyes drilling for some sign that dear litlle Newsoul was going to attempt anything. "Those who care do so in vain. It will only get them hurt." Icy eyes flicked slightly back towards the center of this mud coated pack land. The threat had died from me, as it was bound to do. Bipolarism had become my natural state once again. And here I had though little bird had vanquished the demons. They were not gone. Never gone. Simply... quiet. Contained by emotion that was not... natural to me. Not any more. But it had been there had been real, but I would not allow it. Not now. Not when she would get hurt because of me.

Not because of me.

Jaws griping each other with a founding pain I turned my eyes back to the ebony fury before me. A smile crept back into my features, condescending and cruel in it's essence. "We are all robots my beloved Beta. Controlled by our hate. By our passions and our depression." I turned away from her, still grinning in that calculated way. Did she not understand how the world worked? No one moved through life without strings, no matter how hard they tried. A family was always fighting the cords attaching them. A man always warring with the lines that controlled his emotions. The only creature I had ever met to have broken those bonds was a purple folami by which I had not seen for quiet some time, and even she was corralled by her hunger.

"Take myself for the example of this science project, sot" Ice cold blue eyes settled further onto Newsoul's face. Digging tenches in her eyes. "When I was young I was commanded and operated by my father. When he was dead the operation manual was passed to my siblings as there's was given to me." Ears flicked. Knowing full well that Ellipses had far too much control over me at the current time. He'd snapped his puppet line like a whip and I had jumped so high the clouds had fallen bellow me. "When I met petit oiseau she claimed my manual. And now my brother holds it again." I flicked my ebony tail heavily, head bobbing down as my pretensions expression bled away into general annoyance. "We are all controlled like robots by those that hold whatever puppet strings we give them." I lifted done heavy paw to make a grand gesture forward after the little soldier boy's retreat.

"And through that other's make your decisions. Life makes a man's decisions. Not the man himself."

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[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My snarl died away as I returned to my sitting position. So, it wasn’t an insult. It was everyone, in his mind. I couldn’t bring myself to agree until he was done. It made sense. Following his logic, my strings were in the paws of both Carska and Rickalaru. I stayed in Vea Apxn for Carska, but I was miserable because of Rickalaru. If I was living how I wanted, I would be wandering off on my own killing cats and donating them to the original pack. I did not want to be bound down by a pack, but I did want to help them. But, alas, I held too much loyalty to Carska. And too much hate for Rickalaru. Even little Kadan had a string of mine in his grasps, I realized. I had loyalty to him, so if he is in danger, I would sacrifice for him.

“Oh shit.” It hit me rather hard how right this man was. The only way to be yourself, unmolded and influenced by other’s, is to kill everyone. Even that wouldn’t end it, though. After death we would always be haunted. The memories would still rule us. I closed my eyes and shook my head as if I had water in my ears. I had to change the subject. I had to make this man think, rather then him making me. “The scarlet woman is going to get hurt without you there. She is distracted. She wanders off on her own. And I don’t think she feels good.” It was true. The scarlet one--I needed to learn her name--was sick. Because of my rank I had to be aware of everything, and the scarlet dog was more than emotionally stressed. “I caught her eating poppy seeds on numerous occasions. That is strong stuff, Paradox. Dogs only take it when they feel really bad. Clouds the mind, makes you less alert.” There, mutt, chew on that. Quit making me have to face that I was controlled by the world. Take care of your own life.

I found myself glaring down, challenging the man with my stare. If he ran away from his problems, so be it. It just proved my point that Folami were not capable of something so strong as love.