Desperate. }{ [al x zero]

[I L Y I C H]

knock you off your feet and even if you need me
tear you apart and I hate how I need you

Heartbeats slow, meandering. Quiet. The rain swamped everything, and with it my depression had grown thicker. ALphonse was absolutely inconsolable. Not that one could really blame him. The man was a monster of the worst kind, roaring at himself with a constant self hatred that would destroy him sooner rather then later. It was horrifying to watch it occur. The camp was so quiet now. So void of life. Ilyich and her brother were good friends but they didn't have it in them to be good company. Though it was curious to watch something change in the elder of the siblings. That orange eyed leopard was plumping up for no reason that I could think of aside from pregnancy. But that seemed such a long shot. Ilyich didn't seem the type to... well enjoy such things. Nor would I doubt that she would sooner die then be raped. She and Noe were not cut from the same cloth. Even if they did call the same woman mother. Who the fuck had managed to knock the huntress up? Secondly had Alphonse noticed? I wouldn't put it past him to make a massive deal out of it, for one reason or another.

My head lowered further into the grass, body slopping downward into a hunting posture that I shared with both of those odd creatures in camp. Well Vengrad had been patrolling last I'd seen him. It was hard to tell, but I think he missed Noelle. Well I guess that made two of us. Or all of us. Everything seemed so wrong now. It had been a month since the birth of her children, and there was no sign of my friend anywhere. Not that I judged. I couldn't. I understood why she had left, and why she did not return but it still hurt me just a bit. One can't help selfishness. Even with the rain bowing the wheat above I slinked forward unseen. It was my species greatest weapon after all. Silence. In our steps and in our tongues. It seem a trait most of us shared. A leopard that went quiet was a leopard you avoided for one reason or another.

Dear Dio did we seriously all act like that?

Perhaps it was guilt, or shame that enacted the thought in my head. But had I made the right choice? It was a thought pounding against my skull for days. A thought that had driven me to giving my Alpha the cold shoulder for the better part of the week. I could have gone with Noelle. Helped protect her, or at least helped to settle her mind. They had needed me equally. I could have helped both of them, and I chose the murderer. That was obviously wrong of me, but I did not want to look into the depth of the reason behind that choice. It didn't matter. I could lie to myself. I didn't care about either of them. It hurt to care about them. Because I knew what it felt like to just loose someone you cared back for. I couldn't do that to them, and even if Al needed someone I knew he could get by on his own. He didn't need me, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt him further.

For Dio's sake he already knew I was on death row. Why the fuck did that stupid liger keep coming back to me? Didn't he get it? Attempt to hunt completely thwarted I gave up and continued to skulk under the limp grasses, mind in a whirl. I was dying. What the hell was the point in making friends with a person who was fucking dying. AL didn't react well to his friends leaving him. What did he think was going to happen? We would be buddies and the thing on my stomach would just go away? The pain would just peatier out? Everything would be fine? Well theres some fucking news. "Nothing. is. fine." The words came unbidden and burned out of my throat in a rough snarl. Everything was going to shit. Absolutely everything. The stress had induced more pain in my body then had ever shown up before. I was aching constantly. All of this shit was taking months off of my already pathetically short life span and I couldn't help but be completely done with it all. A part of me just wanted to leave.

Honestly just walk off and abandon the lot of them. It's not as if any of them would care for longer then a week. Just another leopard missing in action. My head came up just a little bit, ears flicking back towards camp. My hearing wasn't good enough to listen in, but it was instinctual. How fucked would I be if there was a telepath or something around here? Letting out a low huff I turned sapphire eyes up and towards the boarder. If Vengrad was still walking in his circles he wouldn't question my stepping over the boundary north. There was nothing there but deer herds. He would probably think I was hunting. My ears went farther back to flatten against my skull. It would be simple. So I walked. It seemed so easy. Vengrad wasn't walking anymore, it would seem. The border was unguarded on this empty expanse of unclaimed land. It wasn't as if anything I did here had done any good. Was any good. No one needed a sick dying leopard.

My paws went over the boarder.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I wasn’t following her on purpose. I was not a stalker. ‘Yes you are.’ ‘Shut up!’ Her pawprints left an easy trail in the mud, but I barely noticed them. It was her scent that dragged me along. It had a weird tang to it, emotionally. Even if it was normal, what kind of friend was I if I made her hike alone? Oh yeah, silly me always forgets Zero likes to be alone. Forgets. Yeah, let’s go with that. So I continued to follow, not able to see her, but scenting her all the way.

Simba seemed to be taking Noelle’s absence worse than me. In the month that had passed, I had accepted she wasn’t coming back. It was my fault and I would carry that forever. I did not deserve to have her in my life. I had expected Ilyich and Noelle to feel poorly over Noelle’s leaving, but Simba? Maybe I had been blind since that man had joined us. Had there been something between the two? I wouldn’t put it past me to not notice. I was not good with emotional things such as that. I feared more and more every day I was about to lose Simba. He and Serenity were the only normal cats in this pride. And, since Noelle’s rape, Serenity hadn’t spoken much. It had been Simba that had kept me from allowing my cats to all die in a foolish attempt at revenge against Symphony for what he had done to my sister. It was Simba that had protected that Ende lion cub from me, which would have lead to my death by my own brother if I had harmed her. Simba was my good sense. And it seemed more and more likely he was going to leave Zonta for Ende, just to be with my sister.

Then there was Ilyich. The woman was gaining weight, but not eating any more. I feared what that meant. She was not one I would expect such things from, but could she be? By whom? No one in Zonta, I was sure. A rival pride cat, and she just didn’t report it so that I wouldn’t overreact again? I could not be trusted, and yet somehow I was still the alpha of this pride. Well, not anymore. I had to make a decision here and now. I either had to remove my crown or get a grip. No way was I willing to let go of my shiny hat, so I would have to work at some sanity. Forgive...that was going to far. Ahote and Symphony now had not only stolen my mother, but my sister too. I had not helped in anyway, having actually chased my sister off, but they were the root of all of this. They had made my sister pregnant. They had murdered my mother. They were the cause of who I am.

Yeah, because I sure didn’t deserve any blame whatsoever.

The scent trail was going towards the border, and when I broke past the covering, I saw Zero stepping over. I said nothing. I would not take charge of the situation. Zero did not need a leader, she needed someone she could count on. I had never been a good crutch, but damnit, I would try for her. I paced forward, tail and head low in submission. I stood beside her. I knew it might annoy her, but I would follow her if she walked over this border now. Borders were sacred for me, but Zero was even more so. I had come to terms shortly after Noelle left that I needed Zero.

And maybe, deep down, I hoped she needed me, too.

[I L Y I C H]

knock you off your feet and even if you need me
tear you apart and I hate how I need you

I heard him there behind me before he ever came out of cover. Heard him slip into the open. I stopped in my tracks, white tipped tail flicking sharply to the side. Of course he was following. Alphonse was a fucking empath for bad situations. It was like he had a magnet in his face or something. When I turned I turned with annoyance in my face, but I expected it to be met with anger and that was why it was there. I was not expecting to be faced with submission. Worry. My expression fell into shock, followed swiftly by guilt. My gaze dropped to the mud and I shuffled almost irritably. Guilty at having been caught. Guilty at having felt the desire to abandon this stupid shit. "Don't look at me like that." It came out in a grumble, agitated in a way only I could ever manage when I was upset with myself. Dio knew I could only ever lash out at those around me. Looking at the mud with the intent of a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar I grimaced deeply.

"Look man. You guys don't need me. I'm just getting rid of the issue." I looked up again, daring him to contradict me. It was obvious after all. I'd shown up and shit started happening. According to Ilyich before I'd happened along everything had been slow. Quiet in Zonta. At least shortly after Anna's death. Maybe it was silly of me but I felt as if bad luck followed me. Even if it didn't I couldn't stay here. I wasn't that important, and even if I was I didn't want to rot in front of these people. I couldn't articulate that though. Didn't want him to know my deepest fears. I had watched my father die in front of me and it had been horrible, but we had all seen someone die.

Watching a person rot was wholly different. Even if I hadn't known the man I would have been horrified. There were days when he almost looked healthy and then within hours he would be unable to move. Looking like a skeleton stretched o the ground its pelt hung over its bones. I couldn't do that to them. To Al. They didn't deserve to see that kind of horror. I wasn't selfish in this. I wasn't putting myself up on this pedestal. I knew I had friends here, but not the sort of importance that they couldn't handle my death. Hell Alphonse acted like he needed me constantly but he got along just fine when I wasn't there. If I died right now suddenly just fell over he would feel bad but he'd get over it. Watching someone die slowly? It put a kinship in you. And it fucking burned when it finally ended. It allows for hope. And tarnished hope was something Zonta didn't need.

I stared at him in silence. Daring him to stop me. But I knew Al. Knew he wanted his pride together. Knew he wanted my friendship, and I tried to give it to him but I couldn't. Not when I worried he wouldn't survive it. Alphonse needed someone who would be there for him forever, and me? I couldn't do that. I couldn't promise him that. And there it was. The jackpot answer. I wasn't fucking leaving because Zonta needed me. I was leaving because Alphonse needed me and I couldn't help him. I would betray him in the end, no matter what happened. I was sure the thought was raging in my face. The fear. Because it was a fear. Maybe I was just a selfish shit, but I didn't want to die in front of these people. It felt so wrong. I had lived in front of them. Why? Why was it so fucking vital to my body to die in front of people I was suppose to be protecting?

"I can't stay here Al. I'm no good. I'm useless here. I can die all on my lonesome"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The heat in her gaze brought my eyes to the ground in shame. I wanted Zero to want me around, but everything I did hurt everyone else. I was asking so much of her not to hate me, not to leave me behind. In all honestly, I wasn’t asking at all, I was forcing it. Everywhere she went I found a way to know about it. I was a stalker in every sense of the word. But I didn’t want to be a stalker anymore, I wanted Zero to want me to know where she was. I wanted her to want me to be around. It wasn’t about a desire to be needed by someone, it was very specific. I needed Zero to want me. Not just anyone, it had to be Zero. My mind was made up.

But I wouldn’t do it against her will.

I could read further than her words spoke. This wasn’t about where she was needed. She wasn’t stupid or blind--Zero knew Zonta loved her and needed her. Zero may have thought she was selfish, but I knew her better than that by now. She was selfless, and willing to go off on her own to spare us the misery of watching her die. Good for her for being willing to put herself aside for our benefit. Just one problem with her logic, though--we wanted her here for every moment we could have with her. I wanted her here. I did not want to see her die, but I would not live knowing she was dying alone. Hell, I wouldn’t even be able to live with myself knowing she was alive by herself, but that was my own selfishness talking. Now, I was a selfish cat. If Zero wanted to play the ‘I’m so selfish card’ she’d be playing a losing game against a professional.

“You know you don’t believe that.” It was the first thing I said and it came out soft, though a little irritable. I did not mean to sound frustrated, but I was. When would Zero learn that the rest of us want her around, no matter what that entitles? That I want her here no matter what demons have to be fought to have it happen? I knew she was dying--hell, not a second goes by that I didn’t think about it--but that didn’t mean I wanted to have to think of her as dead, now. “Zero,” the irritation was gone, but my voice was still rough, and a little too quiet, “I don’t want to live without you. I know I will have to eventually, but I don’t want to have to start now.” I looked at her, eyes focused and pleading. “I am not ready, and I want to think you aren’t, either.”

There you go, Zero. A nice plate of my soul out on the table. Now it is your turn--compliments to the chef, or send it back with a complaint?

[I L Y I C H]

knock you off your feet and even if you need me
tear you apart and I hate how I need you

I stayed stiff, frozen. Having opened my mouth to retort his previous sentence I clip it closed again. What did time matter? Oh I knew why, but I would never admit it. I was so young when he left me. So very childish. It had been ingrained in my head, that hatred. That secret guilt. If he had just died, right then and there it wouldn't have burned so bad. But daddy stayed. Daddy made me love him then he took it away. And here was Alphonse drilling right down to the point once again. "We're never ready" I spat the words out with a violence I had not meant, but I could feel the heat behind my eyes. "I wasn't ready when he left me, but staying just made it worse."

I wrench aside pacing in a circle unable to stay still any longer. How could he think like that? How? Alphonse didn't seem to grasp the notion that time would only make it worse. For the both of us. I didn't want to die. No one does, but right now? Right now all I would be leaving behind are half accomplished relationships. My desperation for comfort, for touch, it was halted by that ideal. I would leave behind nothing but a few upset faces. But this? Staying longer? I knew the sort of hatred that instilled. I hated him for so long, only because I couldn't love him without sobbing. I didn't want that. Didn't want him to hate me, or love me or feel for me. I came to an abrupt halt, face sharply lifted upwards towards his, nose shoved right into his face.

"You realize i'm rotting right Al? From the inside out. Do you really want to watch that happen? You really think thats any good for your fucking sanity?" Spotted pelt bristling as well as it could being as short as it was I clawed the mud attempting to expel the fears building up behind my eyes. In my mind. I was terrified, but that didn't mean a God damn thing. I needed this stupid liger. He spoke to me in a way the others didn't. Gave me comfort that he refused to let me deny. The only fucking creature in this world who was more stubborn then me. I needed him and I hated myself for it. Clenching my teeth together I stared at his ginger face hard. What was I suppose to say to him?

Head shaking hard, I sat down still clawing at the muck under paw. "AL I am not ready. I doubt I ever will be ready. But it will come. Sooner or later it won't matter what I feel or want. I've watched it happen before-" My voice cut out, throat closing on itself as I fought back the emotion trying to force it's way forward. This wasn't suppose to be emotional. I was going to make a logical point and he would listen to me and let me go. No one would get hurt because of stupid Zero. Sucking down the spit in my throat I turned my blue stare to me mud covered paws. "I refuse to make someone else watch that."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

“Staying only made it worse because you had time to care about it. Too late, Zero. I already care too fucking much.” There, I could be angry too. Zero and I shared that attribute. We fell back on our heated tones because it was something familiar. I didn’t trust my temper, but I understood it. I was used to the fell of the heat and bile burning up my throat. My eyes were narrowed, but I was looking at the ground so it didn’t really matter. But she’d hear it in my tone, however quiet my voice was now--the angry plead.

“Don’t use the word want, that is not fair. Of course I don’t want to see it, but you know something? We deal with shit for the ones we love.” I paused, standing rigid, nose to nose with this woman. I did not change my facial expression, but my breath was caught in my throat. I had to keep talking, to draw the attention away from what I had just confessed. “My mother beat me every day. When she wasn’t hitting me, she was abusing me mentally. I could have up and left any Dio-damned day and been justified. But I stayed. Because I loved her and I loved Noelle.” That didn’t make it any better. I was still on the topic of love. Now that was something I was not comfortable with. It was foreign. I did not understand it. I had to change this course--

Why? Why was it so important to me to keep secrets? If I never stepped out of my comfort zone, I would dig a trench and be stuck in its belly. I had a lot of growing up to do. I blinked, the narrow-eyed expression falling away and being replaced by one of restrained dedication. Her final statement lead to her eyes falling to the mud. My heart dropped to my feet at the sight of this deflated warrior. I moved forward, lifting a paw to force her to meet my eyes once more. “You are not making anyone do anything. If you walk away now, then you are forcing us--me to live with the fact that I let you mean so little to me that I let you walk away. Don’t make me carry that. That will weigh far heavier on my sanity.” I pushed my nose forward. If she let me, I would touch mine to hers, eyes closed.

Fuck my pride, I loved her.

[I L Y I C H]

knock you off your feet and even if you need me
tear you apart and I hate how I need you

Bristling, I stared at the larger male before me. He was right of course, but that didn't mean I would relent or admit it. Everything hurt. Always. My ears folded backwards in response to Alphonse's words. Caught by surprise. I knew I was his friend. Knew he considered me close, but I would never have thought... Dear Dio I was shit at this. My anger drained out of me slowly, replaced by a quiet confusion. Alpha 2 Patient 0. Right again he was. I was being cruel. But cruelty was how I got around actual displays of fear. He didn't want to see that either. One learns how to treat others by the people who raise them. Wasn't my fault I had been raised by humans. Though perhaps it was my fault that I had never out grown the petty behavior. It had turned into a mask and then a shield and now Alphonse had his face shoved up against the glass surrounding my heart.

He was fucking smudging it. Rubbing his nose all over the walls in an effort to just bloody well smash the damn thing. My inner gripping monologue died the second he started talking again. Black ears rolled forward again, slowly. Catching lightly for a moment before perching atop my skull like radio towers. What the hell did he just say? Did he just use the L word? That magic little world that so adored sending people skidding to their imminent deaths? A bit too appropriate, I allowed, but I still stared at him. Conflicted. Confused. We were just friends weren't we? I had absolutely no life experience to understand the situation. I was a cage-born. The closest I came to love in the sense of the term was when an older leopard had let me have a bite of his kill out of pity. And I had hated ever moment of that exchange.

When exactly did Al cross over to 'love'? Or was I simply over thinking as per usual? Surely he meant the way he loved Noelle. Or Ilyich. They were siblings, close as could be. Or else they were. HE probably wasn't at all referring to the anxiousness I felt when I didn't know where his dumb ass was. Definitely not talking about the warmth that filled my chest when he came to my side after a particularly bad fit. Nope. Couldn't be. He was worried for me, because I was dying. Obviously I was just following nose to tail after something that wasn't there. Like always. My ears flicked back again as the war raged in my head. A slight tint of disappointment showed up in my eyes as I surrendered myself to the realization. Nope. Holding out hope for the comfort of his touch was pointless. Only given when needed not wanted. Trying to avoid him had worked. I could keep doing that. Maybe. Probably not.

"You realize you're telling me not to blame you wile you blame me?" Okay so it was cruel of me, but I couldn't put much fierceness in it. The words fell from me like mud. My stomach hurt. Distracted by the thought I shuffled slightly, trying to rid myself of the pressure. Not that it ever worked. As it were I looked back up in shock at touch. Gentle touch. Sapphire eyes stared blankly for a long moment, unblinking. just watching. So maybe... maybe I could get away with his comfort for a while longer. I leaned my forehead against his almost unthinkingly, eyes sliding closed in turn.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

"There is no blame but that which we can place by that damn baboon that has left His people behind." Ah, there was my childhood surfacing. Mother had believed in Dio and so had I for most of my childhood. Or all of it, it would turn out. However, her faith had been fragile. Mine had not been--I had believed passionately in a God I could not see. Then I denied him...but here it was out on the table--there was a God, but he was an asshole. Not that it mattered. Who cared anymore? Soon Dio would be nothing but a story we used to teach our children to never trust anyone. Plain and simple as that. I could my mother's image smile at me from the flames of Hell.

As her forehead touched mine, I leaned further into the touch. We needed no further words to be spoken, so I was silent. There was no sound above rain and breathing, our breath make wispy mists in the cool air of the fall rains. I didn't need Zero to tell me she loved me, too. I was okay with her not sharing in the emotion. I had been honest with her, I would not appreciate her lying for my comfort. And if she did feel the same for me, I was willing to wait until her death bed to hear it come from her lips. I would walk to the ends of the earth, and wait until our planet was engulfed in the sun's flames to hear Zero say she loved me. And if it never came, then, that was okay too. Because I loved her and she was not afraid of me for it--that was enough.

I opened my eyes and I feared it would be to a different reality. I was not sitting out here leaning face to face with Zero, having just expressed my love to her. But sure enough there was Zero, nose to nose and forehead to forehead with me. A smile broke gentle across my over-sized jaws. "You don't have to be alone, anymore, Zero." I found the words spilling from my lips lightly as I stared at her eyelids, imagining the pale blue of her eyes behind them. Would she accept that? Could a cat so used to walking alone really accept a traveling companion out of the blue? Yes, yes they could. I was. I was willing to let Zero in on my journey if she let me onto her's. The dark unknown is only scary when faced alone.