Let it Hurt }{ Noe

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The rain didn't bother me today. It never did, really, but I seemed more numb to its burn today. I was lost in a fog of affairs, yet all too aware of my surroundings. Sherlock had run to Zonta Pride the other day to rectify himself with his friend. The friend who had murdered Shenandoah. Annora had not been speaking much, occasionally barking out half-hearted orders in her rugged tongue. She seemed distracted, as if her mind lay back in the war. Or maybe even so recent as her training of the Akando cubs. Orenda was quiet and solitary, even now out wandering on her own. It was unusual, but she had lost a friend. Everyone had a breaking point. Even the robotic slaves of drug-abuse. Verona had become her new heroine, much as Shenandoah had been. But it was different this time. Orenda was an adult now. She saw that everyone dies and she realized the world wasn't perfect. Good for her.

I carried my teal gaze to the mud surfacing between my toes, examining the streaks formed around me from where my tail had dug its crevice in its frustrated wags. I lifted a paw without daring to stand. My print sat for only a moment before the tides of fluid began to waterfall particles to fill it up. To move on and fix its scars. It was a large print, and it would keep its rightful place on the earth for days to come. The rain can only wash away so much of the earth's scars. Some things just never leave. I was an adult now. I was larger than my mother had been. Somehow, I could not bring myself to accept this. I felt much too small, sitting here in the skies tears. Ears back, I put my paw back down and turned my face to the sky and closed my eyes. Thank Dio for the rain.

No one can see which tears were the heaven's and which were mine.

“Mama..." I whispered it and let it drown out in the roar of the passing wind. The sky was black, moon and stars hidden by the clouds, but I knew it was night. The word felt right falling from my lips, much more natural than calling her Anna. What had happened, and why? Anna had been stolen from me to protect me and Onida. She had sacrificed herself for us and a cub she did not know. Then Dio had thanked her by giving her back to us, and I had refused to let her in again. I had shielded myself from her because I didn't want it to hurt the next time she was taken from me, so I had denied she was really her. It wouldn't hurt to lose a stranger. My plan had failed. It had hurt for her to die. But maybe it was because I knew I had created the stranger that lay beneath me in that war. It had not been my mother I had slained...my mother had died long ago. That woman had been a monster I had morphed from the clay of a woman I had loved. That I did love.

How had I managed to deny her for so long? That was an easy answer--I had never been forced to face what I had done every morning. The cats here did not bring it up. Ende was a pride of cruelty, but we were a family to one another. I would even venture to say that beneath our stone-casted hearts buried within our outcast souls there was love. Most of us would never admit it, but it could be seen in the way we would die for one another. It was deeper than military instinct. They would not say things that they knew would hurt me. They understood and accepted I had loved my mother. They would not play games with my heart. But every morning I woke to Anna's face. Noelle had her eyes. And that pain there...that pain and anger was my fault. Alphonse had hurt Noelle because of the abuse Anna had put him through. Anna had created him into the monster he was, and I had created Anna into the monster she was. So this was entirely my fault. Now I could see the process continuing right before me. My ways would live on in both Alphonse and Noelle now. Then would continue on into their own children. Each generation would spread evil further throughout this forsaken land. I was Adam, and I had not just eaten the apple, I had burned down the whole fucking tree after making a pie with every fucking apple on it.

I picked myself up, shoulders arched forward as both head and tail slung down low. My eyes were down casted as I carried myself towards camp. It had to be just past midnight by now. I knew the woman and her children were probably asleep. I walked lightly, despite my heavy spirits. It took little time to come upon the small sheltering that had been allowed to the mother and her cubs when she had willingly come to join this pride to escape a brother's wrath. “Baby sister?" I said the words almost silently as I poked one head into the darkness, instantly feeling the temperature difference between the mostly dry shelter and the downpour outside. There was a small rustle from the darkness within as my eyes slowly adjusted to the inky black.

“Big cow. Away." I recognized the tired snarl of my niece. Spencer had never been tolerant of me, or anyone. In this past month I had seen a lot of hostility grow in her, and I feared she was the one who would continue on in my path. I decided to ignore her, and as my eyes adjusted, I saw her eyes slowly flicker shut as she was swallowed again by sleep, much too young to force herself to remain awake at this hour.

[I L Y I C H]

I hadn't slept well sense I had come here. Despite how... safe I felt. It was odd. This place that I had always been taught was evil and cruel. It was full to the brim with family. An odd and dysfunctional one, but I had never claimed to have a good family life. I enjoyed it here. That man. That man who had hurt me, he had come to me the day we arrived back. Montego and Verona bowing gently to him, trying to avoid hurting my children. Symphony was kind too. Gentle in a way Alphonse was not, despite the madness twinkling in his eyes. I had come to the conclusion that insanity could not always be controlled. He was ill in his mind, but despite that the white tiger was strong in a way I had not expected. He had greeted me the way I would expected a father to great the mother of his children. It had shocked me. I didn't know what I thought would happen once we got here. The gentle brush of whiskers I received was not at all what I had assumed would occur, though.

Symphony had been openly ecstatic and obviously on the brink of something between depression and fury upon laying eyes on the bundle in my jaws. When a day had passed it was the white alpha that had remained at my side. Silent for the most part, only speaking ever now and again saying things that I didn't quiet understand but made me feel safer none the less. Ende was no pack of murderers. It was a family that fought to protect itself by attacking first. I saw that now. Understood it. Was happy with it. Symphony had for a matter stayed in the cub's lives despite my assumption that he had only come as a comfort. He was very happy to sit and play with them in the afternoons when he returned from patrol. Gleeful almost to send them scampering off to bed, and regretful when he wished us a good night and turned to move off to his own resting quarters.

And this was how my life had moved for the last month. Watching them all. Asking Annora every now and again if she would teach me how to fight properly so I might help them when my children could survive without me. So we might all protect our new family. Ahote was close as well. Visiting when he would. It was funny to watch as my cubs pondered over him. They didn't seem to know what 'uncle' was suppose to mean, but then they were so young. Hearing had only just begun to function. Words were behind but quickly catching up to them. The children would understand soon. They would know why they were hear and how Ende had helped them. How Ende had tried so hard to save their sister but had been unable to. They would know and understand. They would understand why their Uncle doesn't look quiet like their mommy.

My ears perked in response to Ahote's words, head lifting slowly tail flicking to brush Spencer's fur automatically as she spoke sleepily. She had our special little family trait of anger, it seemed. Hopefully as she aged it would slip away from her, or be pressed away. We didn't have to be controlled by our genetics. Harmony sat up slightly beside his sister, that pallid face tipping slightly too tired to actually stay awake but too curious to ignore the noises occurring around him. His stripe-less white face plopped back down to my stomach shortly after Spencer's and my tail brushed against them both, curving around my younger daughter last. "Come sit with me Brother. You won't wake them up" I hid behind my smile, all the uncertainty and worry plastered to the walls of the cage I kept it in. Security. This place was security and they did not need to know about the coward trembling in their midsts.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I offered the white child a small little half smile before he plopped back to his sleep. A much more pleasant nephew than Spencer Reid was a niece. But I loved them all the same. No matter what my past may make other’s believe, I am a family-cat right down to the bone. Those who dared to ponder past my more recent past would see it in my youthful years. As a cub, my mother and I had been each other’s world. I had been happy then with her and Onida. My pride had been my greatest love and I would have died for them all. Even after Anna returned I had been a good warrior willing to die for my pridemates...but it had been different. It had been more of a duty than a desire at that point. The love had vanished. Or, had at least been stowed carefully away and the key properly disposed of.

Now, seeing my nieces and nephew curled close to my little half-sister, I couldn’t help but love them in a deeper way than I even did for Ende. These were my family, the ones who will continue our genes. I had to help make that continuation for the better. Ende would help with this. I knew Noelle was learning it. Anna had, no doubt, taught of the evil in Ende. I was here, how could she not dwell on that? Only those within could see we were not evil. Those who found home in Ende were safer and more earnestly loved than in any other pride. For most of us, Ende is the only home we have ever known. Before it, we had been abused and misused--we had had to fight each day just to survive, and never known what it was like to be loved. I had one of the happier pasts here, and still Ende was more a home than I had ever known.

I pushed my way into her shelter and took a place to lay, facing her and her children. I was careful in where I lay, letting the earth slant towards me, to keep from any moisture that escaped my pelt from touching the month-olds. They were so young, so vulnerable. Maybe I was being paranoid, but I felt the slightest breath of wind would break them. Laying my head to my paws, I pushed my gaze to filter through the dark to meet that of my sister’s. “They’re getting large.” It was true. Liger’s were the biggest cats. My sister was around my own size, and for a female, that was large. Tiger females were usually a whisker smaller than I was. Somehow the lion and tiger blood mixing together gave my sister an added boost. This meant Alphonse would be larger than me. I had not noticed during our last meeting. He had shrunken so small under the pressure of what he had done he had seemed no larger than Camira.

“It has been a month since,” I caught myself, about to make the error of even mentioning Zonta. I reworded in my head before continuing, “you joined our family. Have you been treated well?” I knew she had been, by my standards. Symphony was being a blessing of a father, and Montego has provided help where she could. Even Annora had been lending a paw whenever possible. I could sense the maternal instinct raging in the soldier every time Noelle asked for war training. Ever since Annora had helped train those Akando cubs, I could sense she had a small pull towards children. When Kinder are big enough to leave their Haus, I will train you all. Now, back to your post, Mutter. She had spoken it harshly in her rough accent, but beneath that cold layer there had been warmth. I knew she was eager to train cubs again. I remember her enthusiasm over the Akando cubs--she had admitted grudgingly that training children was more rewarding than training adults. Her claim was that children are more accepting to able to drink in knowledge. I could not disagree with that logic.

I pulled myself a little closer to the family--my family. I could feel their heat now as I began to dry slowly. I reached forward and closed my eyes, touching my nose to her forehead. “I am happy you are here.” I am just so sorry as to why you are here. I knew it was best to leave that last part off. It was much too soon to face what I had happened.

I don’t think it would ever be the right time to admit their brother had murdered my nephew because of me.

[I L Y I C H]

Every Night She Cries
And Dies a Little More Each Time

"They are" I agreed quietly, a smile pulling up on my lips. Soon these children would be able to toddle about on their own, and then Ende would be in big trouble. Dio knew how Symphony planned to keep them contained. They were constantly trying to crawl out of this den now. I couldn't imagine how anyone in this camp was going to be able to keep the lot of them in the camp. I was distracted from my quiet smile by his next words, but I did my best to keep it from shattering. I wasn't weak. I wouldn't be weak, at least not in front of anyone. I kept my smile on my face, not showing anything else. Waiting for him to reword himself.

Ahote didn't know about the nightmares. About the panic attacks. The terror. I hid it too well. Symphony knew, but only because he stayed by so late. Questioned me in an unrelenting manor that suggested he understood but I never answered properly. Alphonse tried to kill me in all of them. In some form or another. Attacked my children, drawing me forward. Attacking Ahote before making his way to me. Attacking Sym. And the denominator in all of them? I was weak. Hiding behind others so they might protect me. It was why my precious child had been killed. I had trusted Al. Known him s my protector, and I had been proven wrong. I couldn't let people protect me. They would be killed, or else become traitors. All of them. No one was safe from me. My luck. My fate.

"It has" I agreed softly, hiding behind a quiet tone of relief instead of the prickling fear and pain that I truly felt. I loved it here to be truthful, but I had loved Zonta too. "I am being treated well brother. I am sure you've noticed" I chuckled almost silently, reaching out a paw to tap him playfully. Symphony stayed close by, and had only just left before Ahote had turned up. Montego was here almost as much, bringing food and a certain jealousy. It was curious. She seemed very close to my brother though they also seemed relatively distant. Verona called them mother and father though. I would like to learn more about their relationship. The entire pride weaved in and out. Looking, playing or talking. Annora had finally given me my answer and I had thanked her gratefully, carefully phrasing out my thanks in the German Symphony was working on teaching me.

Life was good. Not safe. Never would it be safe again, but it was good. I leaned into the touch, glad for it even as it made me uncomfortable. I loved touch, I always had. But I knew how close his claws were. How close his teeth where. I was ready for anything, even if I did enjoy the comfort. Leaning into the striped man I offered a low chuff. "So am I, Ahote." I flicked my ears playfully after a moment of comfortable silence. "But what's up with you and Montego?" It was an abrupt question sure, but I wanted to know. And if it got the topic off of me then all the better.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I smiled softly with her touch, doing my best to hide behind a new kind of mask. For so long I had drawn up a charade that said I felt nothing--I had been a coward behind a blank mask. Now I was still a coward, merely in a new form. I pretended I was happy. Ever since I had murdered Anna, I had let the world think I had found my peace, even though, in truth, I was far more lost than ever before. It was this experience that made me acute to the fact that my sister was doing the same as I. But, being the awkward son of a bitch that I was, I let it rest. Little by little I would try and prove to this child I had abused before I even knew her, that I could be trusted. I could be trusted with her life, and I could be trusted with her heart.

I would die to let her know it.

I looked away from her quickly at her question, face boiling up in embarrassment. My ears sat back and I choked down a breath in silence. I groomed my ruffled chest hairs before turning a carefully guarded expression back to her, eyes quizzical and an awkward smile in place. "Montego and I? Nothing!" The answer was much to quick to be convincing. I swallowed a lump forming in my throat, the tip of my tail twitching in discomfort. "We found Verona so we just share in the job of raising her. That lioness is too much a child to let off on her own without guardians!" I laughed tensely as I dropped my eyes to my paws, which were sprawling out in front of me now. I curled my toes, claws sheathed. "Why do you ask? Did, uh, Montego say anything about me?" I looked at her though my face was still angled towards my feet, as if I were a librarian looking over my glasses at a noisy child. I couldn't hide the hopeful curiousity that hovered in the edges of my voice. "Um, because that girl is always talking nonsense. Woman and their creative minds!" I laughed a little too loudly as I joked tensely. Spencer woke up with a jolt. I watched her tiny eyes pinpoint me before she drowsily climbed to her paws with a scowl on her maw. She stumbled to me and lifted a paw to whack at my chest aggressivly. Her exhaustion swallowed her midswing, forcing her full body to tumble into my chest, asleep once more. I shifted her with my snout to be in the curl on my chest, finally dry enough to feel it was okay for the child's contact.