Hold On, I Need to Think

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I was having difficulty figuring out what had happened. I was not used to be so lost within my own thoughts, unable to decipher the meaning of things. I had not spoken for a couple days now, having nothing to say and no one to say it to if I did want to talk. I was alone for the first time since childhood, and this time I actually cared. Where was this god that was supposed to care about us? I shook my head. If he were there, he would not acknowledge my anyway. I was a sinner--a harlot, I had let it happen. I should have just let him kill me--this is what the god wanted. I was wrong. There, I admitted it.

I was afraid of my pack right now--afraid someone would make me say something. I did not want them to know of my deed, I did not want their judgement. Judgement had never been something I worried over, but suddenly it felt so important. For a long time Mahal had been my only friend. Before him, I had been alone and it didn't seem to make sense to fuss over what someone thought of you. When Mahal had approached me, his opinion suddenly mattered. Now it shouldn't anymore--it didn't make sense that it still did. Is this what Skoll-followers feel like all the time?

Since when did I mash myself into such a silly little belief system?

Science could not explain to me what had happened and why it had affected me like it did. Perhaps psychology could, but even that seemed far-fetched. Morals and emotions made no sense, had no real logic, and yet here I was dwelling on it. If I could allow such silly things to cloud my mind, why not answer to a god? It went against everything I had once thought--but I had also believed I would never be so weak as to let a dog overpower me with words. Something was wrong about what I had done, and a god was the only thing that could explain it.

I was ashamed of being dirty, and ashamed of thinking their was a higher power. So I left Vea Apxn's lands and entered Ende's. It was on purpose, and as I trudged through the territory's wetlands, I could not help but hope someone would just come and fucking kill me already.

[I L Y I C H]

I had walked upon this silly little scene. Just happened by, too involved in my own mind to have taken account that things can indeed walk through borders even if it is ill advised. It went over my head at times that I was not the only thing that ignored laws and boundaries. Black ears flicked forward curiously, pale eyes locking onto target and narrowing. I stood as always regal as I could place myself. A habit, ill formed, by my dearest brother and his own nasty habits. Pacing forward I moved around the beast, observing as I went. Folami were not a sigh John had ever allowed me close to, and perhaps this was a poorly formed plan but as emotions went even I could see the woman was... hurt somehow. Ignoring that the bi-coloured creature was smaller then most of her bretheran, or at least the ones I had seen. Maybe they kept their runts as healers or something of the like.

Head tilting slightly I gave the woman a long stare before seating myself, tail flicking over my ebony paws. It did not look aggressive, and if it reacted badly to my intrusion then I doubted it would be able to out think me in a fight. John so loved to think me useless but boredom can lead to so many interesting fighting styles. "As poor a note as it is I suppose I should be the one to tell you that you are on Ende land." Accent mulling about in the liquid rumble I gave the creature a slow blink. Rape it would seem. Another of her kind obviously, but not the same pack and not a person she knew. The husky like features led to her being a half-blood as well. So no healers, that theory was flawed. Simply a mixed breed. Most likely killed her mum on the way out. Mum was the husky. Too much genetic material to be the father, mother's genes often times won out in certain areas.

"But that would be a boring start to a conversation. That is, if you are not planning some foolhardy attempt to kill me." My face showed quiet obviously what I thought would come of that venture. "Why do you assume coming onto the German Malitia's land would do anything to distract you from your attacker?" It was imperative at times to ask questions, and perhaps my general air was being pushed back by a childish excitement of getting to talk to one of man's precious little machines. They were rather unreachable for obvious reasons. As it were it was of interest that Ende had not come to end the creature's life yet, as that seemed to be the reason now that it was looked into for her being here. But then they were mostly off enjoying cavorting about in the rain. It was rather consuming however to watch them strategise. They were a clever little bunch when they wanted to be.

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[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I still remembered some lessons from that hunt with Carska and Mahal all those moons ago.

I had never been on a feline hunt. The only cat I knew with any closeness was Abeni. Though all cats shared a similar strand of scent, so I did know this to be a non-lion male. Logic can only take you so far--words cannot describe a scent, it has to be experienced. In the field of experience, I was a dud. I was the student who spent all her time with her nose in a book, reading about the adventures of others and taking the things they learned and storing them in neat little crates. But they could tell me they smelled a bear all they wanted, didn’t mean I would know the smell of a bear should I run across one.

Ears turning, I located the feline through the rain. It was a black-pelted jaguar--his build was a bit larger than a typical jaguar. He shadowed over me. Not that it made the least bit of difference--how could I fear death when I had no more reason to carry on? Instinct said I was to spread my genes, but to hell with instincts. I had never followed instincts before. However, even logic said there was no reason to beckon death here. The deed was done and I would not know yet what damage has been made. Would I get a sexually transmitted disease? Pregnant? These were the things I had to worry about. I did not need some false god to add onto those burdens because some ancient book of fairy tales said he would scold me for being a harlot. Yet, the thought had been planted, and I just couldn’t shake its silly grip of steal.

I sat down and merely stared at this man, working it all out in my head. He was larger than I, and part of Ende-- I could not fight him. Ende prided themselves on being soldiers. I had nothing against such a foe. Though, this cat seemed non-lethal in his attitude. Ende enjoyed their games, but this beast seemed interested in more than that. I had heard that Ende would use you as a playing piece, and then dispose of you at the end of the game. I saw no game-board here. This man seemed genuine in his harmlessness, for now. Therefore, I could afford to do more than stare at this gentleman with hard-set, calculating eyes.

“I do not kill that which is not a threat to me, whether it be from attack or starvation. Even in such situations, I will not kill that which is stronger than me.” My stare turned to a challenging glare, letting some of my spark return. “Do not take me for a fool, sir. It is insulting.” My expression turned a little less frustrated, and a bit more empty. “My good sense is all I have in my favor, besides reputation set down by others of my kind. Though, even that reputation is too often a disadvantage when in the presence of beings who have been too badly hurt by Folami to care to see that some do have their own brains to think with.” I sighed, shrugging my shoulders. “In any case, as you can see, I am far more husky than man-made machine. Surely no threat to someone of your stature.” There, now that that spiel was said and done with, I could focus on his actual question.

“And it isn’t the attacker, as you call him, that I wish distraction from. It is myself I need to escape. We are our own worst enemy, you know. Know what really sucks about it? You can’t exactly run away from yourself.” I sounded much more like my age now, a little griping in my tone as I grumbled out the words. “You see, I have come across the misfortune of doubting all that I know simply because of one event I feel I could have reacted differently to.” I stared at him, again, this time eyes searching for words rather than a means of escape. It felt good to be talking to someone again. What did I care if I knew nothing about this man? Perhaps it was this reason that made talking to him so easy. I could never see him again if I wished. Of course, this was true of even dogs in the pack, but my chances of survival without them were slim. Damn my lack of experience with anything pertaining to killing.

“Tell me, sir, what is your thought on Skoll?” I paused, shaking my head feverishly. “Oh, wait, for you I suppose it would be Dio? Either way, question still stands. Because hell if I know anymore.” There, straight to the point. Please let this man not be of such a foolish nature as to blindly follow deities. I needed someone who would speak to me on a tangible level. I needed proof of such things. If this man believe in gods, great, but I wanted to see why. If he didn’t, I needed to understand where his lack of faith came from. I needed help thinking right now. My own brain was too distracted by hormones to do it itself.