Bye Bye, Little Angel

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Before anyone gets nervous about my emotional stability, let me clarify something--I have two children, both are sons. Grace was not to me what Irwin and Lester are. She was an orphaned child that I, with the help of my mother and sister, took in and raised. Did I love her? Yes, fiercely. Am I mourning harshly? Of course. But I learned my lesson with Irwin--I am not cutout to be a mother. I am not strong enough. I proved it with Grace--as I waited for the time to leave for work, my mother asked if I wanted to hold her, since we did not believe she would last until my lunch break. I declined. I withdrew. I could not be there for the child. I almost lost myself when Irwin passed, and I am selfish--I do not want to die. If I had allowed Grace to be what Irwin and Lester are to me, there is no saying what would have happened when I got the call announcing her passing. My shield is up, I will not cry for any to see and I will not speak of Grace with the fondness and pride I so often speak of Irwin and Lester. I will carry on--this will not weigh on me like Irwin's death has, or how the fear of Lester's future demise does. So do not worry yourself thinking I will fall into the pit for Grace for you all to have to carry me out of like you had to do when Irwin passed. I loved her, but she was not my daughter. She was just another child I took pity on.

The sad thing is, I have convinced myself this is all true. What an amazing power the brain is, able to lie to the heart and tell it how to work.

[nEwOL握敵]

I'm sorry Bhu. I know these goats mean alot to you. I understand that well enough. I'm also sorry about being all down earlier. That was very bad timing on my part and I apologize for my untactfulness.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Honesty time; when you started, I got up and ran off. I am asking for your forgiveness. I am such a selfish person. I was upset over Grace and I let my own turmoil overpower my want to be a comforting person, like a good friend would be. You have no need to apologize. You have every right to your own agonies in life. If I were a decent human being, I would have sat down and let us lean on each other. But I am not, and I will not lie and say I must have missed your posts. It was not bad timing on your part, it was bad friendship on mine. I love you Newol, and I apologize that I am not, and may never be, a person to lean on. Selfishness is a hard trait to lose when it comes to emotions. <3 But thank you.

[Kunabee]

Well I am just late all over the place, aren't I?

So that's what I felt on that day.

Yes, March the fourth, I was sitting in class and I felt sadness. Something was gone. Something important. Here it was. A little goat who was lost.

March, to me, is the month of death. I lost both my grandparents in this time; I associate the loss of my sister (Daisy, my dog) with this time, though she was in April.
March is not a happy time for me. I'm sorry that those terrible conotations had to spread.