Okay. }{ time for some therapy.

[I L Y I C H]

I think it's about time I made light of some small problems in my life (?) and this is going to be horribly awkward and stilted but hang with me. I consider you all my family, and you best believe you're pretty much the only people who hear anything out of me as of late. Needless to say I've been incredibly unstable. Guys I am sorry for falling in on myself when you need me, but I feel like I've been left in a cupboard to rot and it's about time someone found out. So I could get some help I guess. Regardless. I apologize but I'm probably going to fall into 'ily can't talk about her feelings without sounding like a robot or a bitch mode' now so.

Ash and I are not okay. We haven't been okay for a while. I'm not sure why. We just seem to have been growing apart. We are both young I guess. Though I never really saw this happening I can accept it. It's not a massive problem. It's not as if we are fighting or throwing things or the like. Its just distance I guess. And I fucking hate it, but it's happened. I don't really know what to make of it, or what the fuck is going on at all but why the hell should I. The only other real relationship I've ever been in was viciously abusive so what do I know about healthy anything.

Secondly I am back on medication. Yay. Aka where I've been for the last few weeks not posting. I'm still trying to settle my stupid brain back into some semblance of order while my stupid psychiatrist tries to get the dosage right. Aka ME TRYING TOO HARD. -bitchbitchbitch-. So if I get foul at any point I'm sorry but I'm on some strong as fuck anti-depressents and oh the JOY but I am not fully functional yet. I hate messing with the chemical levels of my brain. It's a bitch to set right again. On that point I relapsed a couple of months ago rather, ah, badly. And I'm sorry. I know I should have talked to someone on here. Or at least made some sort of mention that my stupid brain is a shit and can't just stay happy. I suck. Sorry.

Aaannnd lastly. I fucking hate my mother. Hate her so god damn much. How is it physically possible? I thought people were suppose to love their parents no matter what and I just can't and it makes me furious. She said some shit in the last couple of months mostly revolving around my mental health and how I shouldn't be allowed to function in society because of my aggressiveness and suicidal tendencies. Because god knows I'm not allowed any sort of stress relief. Nope. Not me. I'm the therapist. I'm the punching bag. I've always been the recipeint of every ounce of abuse but I'm not fucking allowed to feel sad. Or angry. Or anything. Because I have 'mental disorders'. Because I'm bipolar and aspergers and I " don't understand emotion so shouldn't be allowed near it". Because EVERYONE seems to have this opinion of me as of late. Because GOD FUCKING FORBID I be allowed to just fucking cut because that's the only way I've EVER been shown how to relieve stress. Because that makes me a bad person. A horrible friend. But there are no alternatives are there? None that anyone has ever given me. 'just stop' 'be happy' oh fucking goooody. Now show me how.

I love being here. On BT with a group of mismatched people who I never knew I would love this much. I apologize kuna for all the cussing here, if you see this. I don't know what I'd do without you, and I know I'm being selfish jamming this up here but I seriously just need to sit down in a pile of you guys and just cry for a little while. Just a little while. Then I promise I'll get up dust off my pants and set myself back on the path that I need to be on.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Ily. You're an amazing person, first off. You have all this and yet you still managed to show compassion for my losing Grace. You're a better person than I am. When I am going through something that has me emotionally out of it, I run away from people who have their own shit going on. So I am going to lay out and give you my heart here and now even if it is difficult because I am selfish, since you did it for me.

I am not good with relationships, so I am going to be honest and say I am clueless how to respond to you and Ash's turmoil right now. I am so sorry, and I am praying, but I know whatever happens is for the best. I am not so good with words, but when I move in with you, if you just need someone to cling to in a literal sense while you cry, I can do that for you. I love you.

Ah, cutting. People who do not suffer from depression do not understand the relief personal abuse provides. My thoughts on the matter is this; you are not harming anyone but yourself, and even that is only minute (sp?). The good that comes from that relief overpowers any bad. You are not in it to kill yourself, I firmly believe. You are strong enough to live--it is merely something to vent with and that is fine. Screw all those dipshits that try to say personal abuse is wrong. Cutting has no longterm affect besides scarring. It is better than so many other ways you could be 'venting'.

Ah, I am no good at this. I am so sorry. But I mean it when I say that when we are living together and you are feeling down, cling to me or whatever and I will sit there as a silent comfort. I am good at that. I love you. Never doubt that. You are honestly the best person in my life.

[nEwOL握敵]

God... Therapy... That word. I haven't been to therapy but once, and that was back when I still thought there might be a possibility to get rid of all my hate and rejoin the human race. Anger management. I went to one session. He gave me a pillow. He told me to hug it. I looked at him and said we're skipping this part, or he's not getting my money. He told me that was a typical response and that I needed to hug the pillow. I hit him with it and walked out and never got a bill, never paid a bill. And Ily, you relapsed. Its bad yes, I mean I ain't gunna dump sugar on nothing. Its bad, but life's fekkin' tough. Stuff happens. The fact that you relapse but you still try, you still move forward and actually try to dig out of the hole rather then just settling for falling, that makes you a better person. But I know what its like to feel like nobody gets it that you get to have your release too. I can't lie to you, I cut. Not alot, I mean, i have to have had a really bad day. Just promise me you'll be careful and sterile. I love you enough to say I don't want you to period. But I'm not going to. Some people have to be left to let their devices run their course. My anger is my shield. The less and less I've needed it, though, the more and more its faded away. I don't honestly believe I'll ever be free of it, but I do know there will come a day that I don't need it anywhere near like I used to. Just because you never threw away your blade, don't mean you'll always need it. Hell I still have my first one. And as for your mother. Woman, my mother's got more patients for her Prison ministry teenagers then she does me. I've thought about stabing someone just so I can get sent to prison to get some of that accepting love she shows those kids. She'll give the "god still Loves you" lesson to a convicted felon. But she ain't done it once for me.

I could go on and on and on, but I don't need to, we got it good just cause we got each other. Ily I love you.

[Kunabee]

////lateoneverythinglamebusypersonisowwy

Ily, I'm glad you turned to us. The fact of the matter is, I am always here - for all of you. If any one of you need me, send me a PM. Contact me... through any of the sites I'm on. Through e-mail. Through Skype (Kunabee). Just send me some sort of message and I will listen.
You people are my family. Sometimes moreso than my real family (other than my kitties). If I have nowhere to turn, I can come to here.
And Ily, I don't want you to cut. I don't want you to do anything that may hurt yourself. But if you can find no other way, then use that as your release. The most important thing is letting go and feeling fine... if only for a little while.
I write, when I'm upset. Poetry, mostly. The things were my emotions are purest and clearest - the things I can scream and other people and they'll never be forced to deal with my problems. They'll never have weight added to them.
I cry, too. Sometimes. To myself. Never in public. Sometimes when my anxiety gets bad - me, who constantly gives random hugs and is touch-touch-touch and drives people crazy with me needing that physical contact - I can't stand to be touched. Which is why I make sure I break down in private. And never say a word to anyone.
My final release is biting myself. Hard. Down hard. Piercing skin - or at least I try. If it comes off I eat it, and any blood that comes I lick. Biting can be done anywhere - in public I bite less hard than in private. Scab picking - where it hurts - helps too. It's gross and terrible and shameful and I have never told anyone about this before. But it's what I do. If I don't have another thing to turn to, yup.

But one thing that has kept me from the piercing-skin biting thing is this stone my dad got me. A stone for empathy and emotional calm. I swear as soon as I pick it up - the very instant I touch it - I start to feel better. Some good advice: get a healing stone or calming stone. Make sure it's smooth - sort of like a worry stone, where you can rub it. It is like freaking magic.
(with the stone my dad got me, I can actually read people's emotions - or certain colors, at least, that relate to their emotions)
But my advice is to get a stone. If you've never tried it before it may help. The best thing is to get a stone that ISN'T related to empathy. Last thing we here on BT need, eh?
But yeah.
Also, Celtic knots. Print one out - a big one, on a full sheet of paper. Follow the lines with your finger - all around. Then switch hands and continue following the lines with your finger. The simpler, more 'open' ones are good for emotional calm. The more complex, 'closed' one are good for stimulation - adding creativity, focus, and thinking ability. I have one of both.
Some advice for some releases that work for me. Some sharing in stupid stuff we do.

I don't know about you all, but I find this healing.

I love you, Ily. Your mother's a bitch. Have full confidence she will be burning in hell.