I'm trying the best I can!}{To be worth you

[nEwOL握敵]

Your the only ones who I can give this too... Please. I have alot of bottled up stuff in my gut that's festering. I don't know if any of this will make any sense but this world's tossing me around and I can't stand strong against it like i used to. This will be my place where I come hide in the corner. This will be where I just let it all go. I don't expect much of this will make alot of sense, as my emotions are very unstable and like to run, thats why I stay so calm like you are all used to. But I have to let them every now and again, I have to let it loose and let if fly wild. I'm just gunna ramble, let it all flow freely regardless of weather I'm making sense or not, until i'm too tired to continue at that moment. You don't have to say anything supportive. You don't have to give me any wise words. You bearly even have to respond at all. Just let me know that you still love me. despite my whining and my tattered soul. Thats all I ask.


I'm. Sorry. I am FEKKING. Sorry.

I have alot of people look up to me, I know this, I really do. I didn't ask for it. I understand that I'm not the best of people. I dip, I have trust issues, I have a whole damn well of anger issues. BUT I TRY! There's the difference. I'm trying to be a good person, because of the ones looking at me. I didn't ask anyone to love me. They made that choice for themselves.

I'm eighteen damn years old. I know its a bad habit, but I ain't breakin one damn law. Dippin is my damn turn waited law supported PRIVILEGE! I get that I made some mistakes my freshman year, but thats just it, I WAS A FEKKING FRESHMAN! I did alot of bad crap, snorted alittle, smoked alittle, I KNOW! I'm the one that did em, not people. But I was just a dumb freshman trying to be cool. Even while I did that shit I hated it. To this day I despise weed. I'm always gunna. Why can't people understand that its out of love. If I didn't like you, if I hated you for crap like this, I wouldn't not want it for you. I'm not trying to be mean to anyone with the way I handle my business. I'm trying to be fair. I'm trying to be a good person. I'm trying to be in the right. I want to leave this world better then I found it now. Thats all I'm trying to do know. I'm trying to be as good as I can if I'ma be the example. Why am I so wrong for that. I'm not a good person. I never have been. I don't deal with every single situation calmly. I'm not always extremely patient. I'm into so really dark shit. I cut, I dip, I hate, I swear, my faults go on and on.

but i still feel...

why can't people remember that? All I need to be happy is for those I've attached myself to to be happy. I've seen beautiful light in the darkness. All I was was strong. I was strong enough to not break under the darkness. I was strong enough to stand there and stare back at it. My tools where spite and anger and hate. People are the ones who saw that strength and feel in love with it. People are the ones who showed me something I'd never known, warmth. I'd always been strong, but I'd always been cold inside. The light was just so beautiful to me. I want to make all the darkness around the ones I care about go away, why can't these people see that. I just what the ones important to me to flourish. I just want whats right. I just want whats right. I don't want to hurt the people important to me, I just want them to be better.

I'm just one giant ball of emotion that everyone keeps kicking around.
It hurts.
People getting angry at me, just trying to do right. Don't want to hurt anyone important to me, just wanna improve things for them, TRULY improve things.

okay... I'm exhausted... that's enough for now. Too tired to care if anything i just said made sense. thanks guys. Gunna go to bed now.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

You know how I am about helping people....I suck at it. So this will be brief and I will do it the only way I really know how--but explaining why you're a better person than me. I can do that. Most people are a much better person than me, and I know and am comfortable with that, so it comes easily to tell reasons.

I have a lot of people who look up to me. Young people and older people. The older people I put on my charade for and hide away all the bad things I do, except for my temper. They find my temper as a strength. It isn't. Just because I will lose my shit and punch some kid because he gave me a 'you're a fucking idiot' look doesn't make me strong--it makes me weak that I cannot ignore humans. They suck, and I cannot just let them do that. Young people, however, I hide nothing from. Cousins, random kids I only meet once, whatever, cling to me and view me as a role model. I haven't the slightest clue why. I despite the creatures more than any other. It just IS. Maybe it is me being selfish, my lack of restraint when around children that look up to me. Maybe I WANT them to be like me, so I won't be alone in my little self-made hell where wrong is the right. I don't know. So here is the reason why you are better--you TRY to be a good role model, I try and do the worst fucking job I can. I say it is because it is my freedom and I am not changing for anyone, but I know that is bullshit. It is because I don't give a damn if those kids grow up as violent troublemakers--in fact, I would LOVE for that to happen. I want to see them fail in life, I want to see them get hurt. Because then maybe they will give up and I will feel stronger. Or maybe they will realize how fucked up our species is and join my 'destroy mankind' cult. You and I have the same mission, we simply go about it different ways--make the world a better place.

You do about it the right way, I will admit that.

So, I give my support to you in whatever you do. Your heart is in the right place and that is truly all that matters. Everyone has their sin(s). God only knows I do. You're a good role model not when you're flawless, but when you care about your followers and fucking try. I am proud of you.

Love you, Newol <3

[Kunabee]

Newol.
You can always rant here.
Feel free to send me a private PM as well.
I'm always willing to listen.
You're a good person.
That's all.

[nEwOL握敵]

Round Two...
Second verse, same as the first. I'm just letting my bottled up feelings out of their box. Once again I'm not asking for concealing or wisdom or some thing to remember that makes it all better. I'm just asking you to understand who I am and still accept me for it.

I'm not cut out to be anyone's hero... I'm not worth my own shoes. For the longest time I wanted to be the Tank... I wanted to be the one that stood up front and took the brunt of it and kept everyone safe and helped everyone along. But now I don't have it in me. I realize in this moment that it was all out of fekking selfishness. I'd rather be dead then have to live with the pain of living without the ones important to me. I can't reach across state lines and I'm not free of my parents rules. I'm not strong... I'm not secluded. I'm not independent. I never will be. I am nothing. I alone am absolutely nothing at all. I am worthless and insignificant. It is my friends that I exist for. You are what gives me form. Your what gives me strength. Its all because of how this world, all the bulling, broke me down. If you get called a pathetic piece of worthless fucking trash enough times, you become one. That's why I cling so fiercely to my friends. That's why I'm at home and safe regardless of where I am as long as I have friends with me. I need people to teach me that there actually is nothing wrong with me. That I'm not a bad person and pathetic and scum. I already know I'm a genius. In my case though its a fekking curse. Because with that genius comes the ability to look inside myself and know exactly how I'm broken. I know whats wrong with me. I don't have to wonder.

I know that my greatest fear is that I won't ever be able to help one single person that is important to me and that I don't have the ability to save anyone and that I will one day end up totally alone. I understand that the length I would be willing to go to for someone I love is a falsely interpenetrated weakness. I need that person. That person is one of the persons that keep me from feeling alone. And so with out any of you all I have is to ether be an angry spiteful soul, or to be alone. And being an angry spiteful soul's only helpful when you have something to be angry about. And you can't use being alone as something to be angry about cause then you start hating people, and when you start hating people, you stay alone.

And to make matters worse, I understand all this at the age of EIGHTEEN!

All I want is to get the hell out of here. This is my own personal hell. Here I can never be who I want to be. I want to be someone who's not afraid to wear a tail, and can just smile and be happy and can function by his own rules and can live and doesn't hate people. I still have a little bit left to do before I can call myself a grown up. And when I'm done I can finally, FINALLY, lay all this down. I don't expect I'll ever stop needing my friends. But I expect I'll be able to lay my pointless anger for humans down. In fact I'm banking on it. Oh, and yeah, one of those things I need to do is get out of this town, and away from all the bad memories. I always knew I would do this. But guess who finally gave me a destination. My Friends.


alright... that's all I have to give for now... I'm spent... i don't even care about what I just spewed all over the screen just now, I feel better.... I'm going to sleep.

[Kunabee]

You are not worthless. I know you know this.
I know the feeling.

You understand a lot at eighteen. You've thought about it and realized it and searched it.
At sixteen, I understand that too.

I also understand that I can tell you all the things that you could do. I could give you a lot of good, sound, advice. But that doesn't change the reality.
Ultimately, words can't do enough. They'll just be words.

When you're battling the hell they call "life", words struggle to be actions. A constant battle to maybe, just maybe, make someone feel a little better.

I could list all the things you've done that makes you worth something. I could tell you that it's okay to be selfish, just a little. You want to give to people - if you're selfish, it's okay. I could say that you'll make it through this. I could say that you're wonderful, one of the people I admire.

But if that would help, then I would have felt a lot better a long time ago. What you know doesn't change what you feel or believe.

I know what it's like to be the strong one. I'm that, for everyone. I hate leaning on people but I appreciate when they lean on me. I encourage them, in fact. But then I also get so, so tired.

You're the strong one, Newol. You're the one who'll fight and force and go as far as you can. That's exhausting.

But you won't stop.

And that's what makes you worth something.

My heart and my prayers are with you.

[lukari]

Hey Sound, I wish we would have kept in touch these last few lonely months. It's funny because around the time I turned eighteen myself, everything went from light to dark. It hasn't been until these last couple of weeks I finally crawled out the hole known as depression. Talk about life changing, but my only regret is that we couldn't talk and help each other out.

I didn't plan to pop in here like this after so long, but I practically flew out of my chair in happiness when I got your pm the other day.

I know real life is busy, but you're not allowed to leave me anymore, okay? :3 /snugs/ Love you, Sound.

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[nEwOL握敵]

... ... ... I don't know what's left inside of me. I don't feel anything but pain. I feel hollow. I feel empty. I feel like everything that was there, everthing that made me Newol, everything that made me the one to stand up in front and try to protect everyone... I feel like its all gone. There's just nothing there anymore. I have nothing left anymore. I am nothing anymore. I will go no where, I will become nothing. My whole world's been destroyed. Its been destroyed by two fucking high school credits. Bevin stole my anger from me. School stole my joy. My resilient body grew used to the pain and it faded. There aren't enough nerves left to feel sorrow. And I expelled the ability to contain fear when I stood up and said I'll die for my friends. At my church I'm just the teenager who came to socialize. At my house I'm just a freeloading 18 year old. At my school I'm just everyone else in the crowd. And at my Home, I just a ghost clinging on to the edge, lieing to himself about the importance his characters have played in the story. Importance that doesn't exist.

I have no friends... Just people that tolerate me.
I have no enemies... Just people that hate that I'm stealing their air.
I have no family... Just people that allow me to sleep in their house.
I have no love... Just the one that thought she saw something she lied.


I'm cold and empty. I'll never reach the top of the hill I set out to climb. I have never had that ability. I don't finish things. I'm not strong. I'm hollow and cold and empty and spent. Its all I know anymore.

[Kunabee]

Newol, I love you.
You are, first and foremost, my friend. One of my best ones.

I can't help you. I can't say things that will make it better.

But I will say... you'll make it through this too. You can do it.

Emptiness ebbs and flows. The question is, will you let this emptiness fill up with hate or with change?

Trust me, I've destroyed myself again and again because I feel self-hate; this is what fills up my emptiness.

You can make it through this too.