Not Quite [closed, Ily]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

There had been something wrong this whole time. Something. I hated that word--it was uncertain. I despised the fact that I could not tell, and it pained me to think he would not share. My Michael was broken in a way that was more dangerous than emotion. I could fix emotional, but his leaked into the physical world. Perhaps the root was in his heart, but sometimes even when those wounds heal the body is scarred, permanently damaged, fading. It scared me to think about it. I had my own aches and pain in the very depths of my soul, but my body was healthy. I could deal with a patch-work heart, but the body had to be strong.

His fur was not soft and fluffy. His ribs were too outward.

I had accidentally brushed by the man during our meal the other evening. I had known something was wrong before then, that something was not right. But that touch had sparked a concern. I had buried it for the time because I wanted to let myself be happy. I wanted Michael to have some fun and help me and Ray pull a prank. I could not let worry taint my mind when I needed to persuade the man to live a little. It would have ruined it. I was a terrible friend, and an even worse protector. I should have said something. Though maybe that would have been too rash and only pushed myself further from his trust. I paced in the open plain, claws digging into mud, slight mist dusting my white hairs, forcing me to glimmer in the morning sun's rays.

I knew the man was part Husky. I could see it. I never mentioned it because my kind thought lowly of half-breeds. I remembered that--they were used as bait dogs. Michael would not be proud of his roots and I would not force him to think about it. Ever. But half-breeds were thick, and husky fur was soft. His was brittle, as if he lacked some nutrient. Lacked a lot of nutrients. And his ribs had been clear-felt. It pained me to think that he was ill. I did not want to push the man, but who knows how long I really had. I should tell Geoff, he would know what to do. But I knew I would not. I wanted Michael to trust me--he never would if I ran and told my dad everything I knew about him. My ears slid backwards against my skull as I closed my eyes, moaning softly as I paced in a stiff trot between a rock and a shrub. Why did my heart have to hurt like this? Was there more pain being caused by fear of losing Michael, or is the pain caused because he does not trust me? I just wanted to help him. Couldn't he see he meant the world to me?

"Oh bloody hell, Michael." The words came out heated as I continued my march back and forth with eyes shut tight and head angled to the ground. It was a perfect march, too. Each step was even--I never brushed the shrub or rock, despite my eyes being closed. I turned at the very same spot every cycle I made. I was running on fumes now. I had no slept since the feelings had settled in. I had woken the morning after my brush against Michael blind to what my subconscious was now chewing on. I had had my fun. And then that night it had hit me. And now it would not leave me alone. "Fuck."

I hated the word. It was so very American. But I was upset, and I was not thinking. It had come out as a defeated moan, my chest tightening with each beat of my heart. I could not win. I tell Geoff and I lose Michael. I don't tell Geoff and I risk losing him in a different way. Why was love so hard? You'd think whatever gods watched over us would make something so wonderful a little easier. Why did people claim it was such a great thing. This man was a brother to me and all that statement did was cause me harm. If I didn't love him I wouldn't have to care that he was very very ill.

But I did love him. He was my friend, my brother. He was the second half to team Nice Dynamite.

[I L Y I C H]

Disgusting. Thats all I felt, half asleep and blundering. Heaviness weighed down on me and I couldn't quite bring myself to lift my feet off the ground. I hadn't been paying attention. It had been too fucking funny. Geoff had lost his shit completely. Poor Jack hadn't known what the fuck to do with himself and I was all but crying from laughter the entire time. It had happened naturally. The good feelings had blocked of the bad and for a time I had forgotten. Been distracted. Not noticing the heat of mat hitting my gullet. Not noticing the weight. No discomfort at all but Skoll knew that never lasted long. Now here I was half dragging myself away from the others being as quiet as I could in some vain attempt to get rid of this horrible feeling.

Skin feeling too tight and teeth bared against a dry mouth I half ran into the night. It was disgusting. It felt disgusting and in turn twisted me into something disgusting. Bulky and nasty. The fur along my spine crackled with anxiety as I all but ran away from my family. I couldn't let them see my stupid fucking face fall like this. They didn't deserve that. It wasn't their fault I was like this. I didn't want to hurt them but Skoll dammit I couldn't stop. I couldn't tell them either which is what led to this stupid walk of fucking shame. It was better this way after all. Less hateful. I didn't look like what I was now, at least not as fully. Wanting to be clean edged was a deep deep part of me. My body didn't fit into the parameters of what it needed to so I would make it. I had to. Any other option made me physically ill.

So I wouldn't tell them and I wouldn't show anyone. I would scuttle off into the woods. I would slump away and fix myself and they wouldn't have to look at me like this anymore. No one wanted a half breed so I wouldn't look like one. Geoff wouldn't get rid of me. I would appear as useful as I could be and it would be okay. Everything would be okay. I would make it okay. My fur would lay like it was suppose to. The stupid fucking bulkiness would stay out of my body and it would be alright. What happened last time wouldn't happen now. I could stay. I could be what was needed of me. Not paying a lick of attention I all but fell into the open clearing in front of me, teeth clamped together and paws all but racing now.

I was still so heavy so very fucking heavy but it was all starting to crawl up my throat and I couldn't stop it. Pure terror squeezed at my stomach and I all but sobbed aloud fighting it back down. It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad and it wasn't just all the emotional shit chugging up the back of my esophagus. It was me. It was just fucking me and it hurt. It burned. Everything burned. But it wasn't just my chest it was my stomach and my throat too. Removing the horrible burning sensation. The weight. I stumbled to a violent stop spitting and cough what was left in my mouth lick painfully at my teeth. Shuddering harshly with the after shocks I stod in silence for a long drawn out moment, the only real sound the heaving of my lungs as I took back the air that I had forced out alongside what I could of the last meal I had sucked down.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I scent his approach first, the heard, and finally saw. My eyes had jolted open when the scent had first appeared. There was a tang I didn't like to it--it wasn't my normal Michael. Something was off about him and damn it if I would let my pained little heart ignore him now. I had to get over that Michael did not trust me as much as I trusted him. I had to accept that I did not mean as much to him as he did to me. That I was only a friend to him. Nothing more than that--I was the same as Ray, or Geoff, or Ryan, or Jack. I would not let him know that hurt me, and I would not let the knowledge keep me from him when his scent spoke of such....off'ness'.

The man was barely on his paws by the time I saw him, and he only remained in a somewhat standing position for a second more. He became slouched and heaved until he vomited the contents of his stomach. My eyes widened in panic as I raised without warning to his side, pushing a nose to his cheek. "Michael?" I almost asked if he was okay, but he obviously wasn't. I put a whisker of distance between us and looked around in a panic. "I'll get Geoff!" I concluded, though I did not move. I was planted to the spot, head angled downwards to stare at the man. He was keeping his illness a secret for a reason. Maybe I was silly, but a little voice was telling me to cool it down and wait a second. Wait for what? For Michael to give me a reason not to fetch our father. It would have to be a fucking great reason, too, because he had to have just thrown up his entire meal. When was the last time he ate without this happening? Judging by what I recalled from the slight brush the other night, it had been a while. My eyes blinked sadly as I ducked my nose back down and pushed it into his forehead. "I am so sorry, Michael. I should not have made you eat that goose." Nights ago, but the guilt pushed forward. My fault. I had caused him to be sick that night. I had inflicted discomfort onto my best friend. I was a terrible person.

A whimper passed my lips as I remained eyes closed with nose in contact with his forehead. I would wait for an order. If he said nothing, I would run to Geoff. But he couldn't just ignore me, could he? Would he be angry at me for the contact I was still currently making? Insulted by my maternal concern? Urked by my worrisome nature? I just wanted the man to be fucking happy, but this was beyond control. I could not help this. And being without some sort of landline left me flailing. I did not know how to react. I let instincts take over.

And instincts said I needed to fucking hug this man--to take him into my arms and never let him go. That would not fly, so my nose on his forehead would do. Perhaps provide a little coolness with its touch.

[I L Y I C H]

The touch was a shock that blasted away any pride I had left half standing in a state of breathlessness. My body sagged, muscles giving away and letting the bones catch their fall. Seating myself slowly, I licked painful at my teeth keeping my eyes away. Knowing who it was. Panic couldn't press past the cloying length of tired numbness. Gavin knew. It was obvious in the way he reacted, and I only managed to build up my panic upon his calling to go fetch our shared alpha and I just couldn't. My head lifted sharply, chocolate ears flashing back against my skull as I whined at him. It was horrible of me, I knew. Manipulative and selfish but I couldn't help it. God what would Geoff even do? I didn't want to know. Didn't want to see so I would shelter behind lies and fake it. I could get around this without hurting Gavin. This wasn't his fault after all. He was a good friend. My best friend.

"No. No it's okay Gav you don't need to." The hoarseness of my voice gave me away. Betraying the depth of damage done to my stupid fucking throat. I couldn't lie to him. Those ears were too strong and I just didn't want to anymore. I couldn't. For so fucking long. I'd wanted someone to know for so fucking long and here was my perfect chance and I couldn't even look the full-blooded folami in the face. "Please don't tell Geoff" The words barley breathed out of my throat. Defeated. It was probably for the best. It took me a moment, an obnoxiously long moment to realize that he hadn't moved and with that realization I looked up slowly focusing my eyes on his jaw so I wouldn't have to look at the expression on his face. The disappointment and disgust I knew would be sinking in there. How else would he fucking react? Caught the stupid fucking half breed upchucking because he couldn't handle being what he was. Cause he was fucking disgusted with himself so why wouldn't everyone else be?

Body flinching with his secondary touch I ducked away from him. Shuffling backwards as was my due. Oh dear Skoll that fucking grease ball. Oh but I had swallowed that. I had forced myself to keep it down. Gavin had known I had needed it and he was right. The goal wasn't complete starvation, okay. And maybe I was just a little bit skewed in my thinking. It's just. It was a gift. You don't fucking waste gifts. Not that I could articulate that. My muzzle slopped down into my chest, eyes turned down. "No- I. It's fine. I didn't- ah. I didn't throw it up. I needed it." My teeth clamped painfully back together at the end of it as I brushed my chin self-conciously against the wiry fur at my chest. Taking some weak comfort in the down I could feel under it.

"I'm sorry" I all but whimpered the words. Half seeking solace and half trying desperately to tell this man I had hurt that it wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyones. This was my stupid fucking issue. Not Gavin's. Not Geoff's. Not anyone but mine and I would have to deal with it. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I couldn't stop and if it was starting to pain the only fucking friends I had ever had then I would leave right now. I couldn't do that to them. "I just can't fucking deal. I'm sorry. I can't. I just-" I hate myself. I hate what I am what I look like. I hate everything and I couldn't bring myself to see any other light because thats how I grew up and that was how the damn world worked. "I hate me and everyone else does too and they fucking say it. Then you guys and I just- I can't. Look I'll just go okay?" Because I was just word vomiting at this point and there was no reason. He didn't need to know. It wouldn't do anything but make the situation worse. So I would leave. They didn't need me. Geoff had Gavin. Ryan had Ray. And Jack was perfectly fine playing parent to whoever let him. They didn't need some stupid bulimic mutt encroaching on their family.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

He...he didn't get angry at me. My stomach tightened with this, uncertain if I was happy or upset the rage did not erupt from him. He was scared to a degree, and this made him plead. My eyes gentled, assuring him with only my gaze that I would not tell Geoff. Yet. I would try and handle this on my own. I loved Michael, though, and if I felt he may be getting worse, I would risk our friendship to save his life. It would hurt, it would be the worst thing I can imagine...well, scratch that, second worse thing. The worse thing would be him dying because I didn't seek him out some help. I would never forgive myself from that. I would lose my mind. I could not lose him. I would not.

He hadn't thrown up the goose? My ears sat back against my skull as my eyes narrowed. He said he had needed it...something clicked. He was doing this on purpose. This...throwing up business. It was not an actual disease of the body, it was entirely mental. He made himself losing his lunch by choice. I didn't know whether to be angry at him, but I chose not to. I could not be angry at him, not even if I tried my very hardest. He was the strongest man I knew, so there had to be a really good reason for him letting this...thing engulf him. I was okay that we were not touching, I was forcing him to stay attached to my eyes. Willing him to submerge into my gaze. I would try and offer some peace there. This man needed some sweet serenity.

"Go?" I said it flatly, rolling the word around my mouth like I was trying to decipher the meaning. Go, go where? What was so damn important that it could drag him away from our conversation here? What--it hit me before I could grow angry. My eyes narrowed in a new kind of aggression. I stood up sturdy and put my nose forcably to his, demanding his attention. "You go anywhere, you bloody bastard, and I will hunt you down and drag you back. You cannot just go." I was honestly upset--angry at him for thinking I would let him runaway from me, hurt that he wanted to, scared that he would. All of this played in my green gaze, danced with the dominant plead. Don't leave me. I don't want to be alone.

Because I had been for too long.

I loved Geoff with every fiber of my being. And Ray, too. The other guys were my family. But this man was different. Before I was just there, the clown to help lighten the mood. I would travel from person to person and do what was needed to get a laugh out of them. Then Michael comes along and suddenly I had a focus. Everyone wasn't the same. There was everyone in the world, and then there was Michael. He was different, he gave me a splash of color in a world where everything felt the same. I didn't want to go back to that. I wouldn't go back to that. "You leave, and I will follow." The words fell from my lips softly and I pulled away, standing up and closing my eyes. I shifted my feet and started slowly back towards where the rest of our family would be waking, if not up already. I opened my eyes and narrowed them as I made a slow pace in that direction. My tail was hanging low, ears tilted backwards, trying to hide the fact that I was indeed listening for those soft steps to follow behind me.

"Come on, arsehole, the family will begin to worry." I said it lightly without turning around, as if nothing had happened. I would keep his secret, and I would walk that path with him the whole dark road.

All he needed to do was take the first step and follow me.

[I L Y I C H]

He didn't move and the panic beating a hole in my chest stilled just a fraction. Geoff wouldn't know right now; that fresh hell was spared from me. Not knowing how they would react was the single thing that terrified me the most. Gavin had taken it... not horribly I guess. I couldn't look the man in the eyes yet so I didn't know what was going on in that green stare but he wasn't yelling. He hadn't stormed off and left me to wallow in my fears yet. I lifted my head up slowly at his repeating of my statement. Eyes connected for a moment before I glanced away again, opening my mouth to speak but I was cut off. My eyes lurched back to his stare, wide and confused.

Fur lifting in an automatic reaction to the anger Gavin was giving off I let my face slam shut knowing full well this wasn't what he wanted but unable to think of a better way to protect myself. Didn't he fucking see? I wasn't any use here. They might like me some but Achievement hunters could function just as well without some fucking mutt that had pretty much snarled his way into their fold. "You wouldn't be able to." I spoke without thinking, voice hard though even I could hear the fear behind the words; mind going to darker places. Knowing what I was doing to my body only led to the belief that one day something would happen and I wouldn't be prepared to deal with it. They would get hurt because I couldn't protect them and some stupid fucking knit whit would try and save me and get killed in the process.

And even knowing I couldn't fucking stop.

I met his green-hazel gaze defiantly, trying to mask over the damn panic I could feel building right back up again. I would get him killed. Just like that and then what would happen? I wouldn't just fucking get over it would I? but oh god dammit I'd never been strong enough. "You fucking wont!" I all but roared the words, not able to stop myself as the self loathing surge in remembering. "You have no god damn idea. Are you fucking listening to me? I. Can't. Protect. Any. Of. You" I was standing tall despite the trembling of my legs. The weakness always present. My head despite the arch of my muzzle jutting outwards him was still a full foot shorter. I kept screaming after the god damn asshole when he turned away but the words weren't thought out anymore and the second they left my mouth I felt my stomach tighten painfully. "My fucking mother-"

Voice dying instantly I slammed my teeth around the words. Strangling them and swallowing them back down. So I stood there for a long moment eyes wired shut and jaws all but aching thanks to how fucking tight I was biting down on my own tongue. Lurching abruptly forward I reopened them, casting them down and limped after him. My legs weren't steady at all. Spitting the blood out of my mouth just now realizing the taste I crept behind him head low, watching the shift of the man's own lowered tail. Fine. I would follow him back if thats what he wanted. If he needed it so fucking desperately. But god dammit he had to see my side. I would make him. I't wasn't just a fucking offer, I thought about it constantly, and sure the family was waiting but what did they need me for? I was just a fucking pet.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I turned on him without thought, eyes on fire but tinted with desperate confusion. He had started following me, and said something about his mother, but those things were not comprehending yet. What had me upset was his statement about protecting us. I forced my nose to his, voice low and tail straight out. "We don't need protection, Michael," no silly affection flucuation to the name, simply sternness that I had never heard come from my voice before. "we just want you fucking around. You bring us fucking joy. Why is that not good enough?" I almost had tears in my eyes. Almost. But instead I pulled away and turned back around, fur standing along my spine. Quite frankly, I could not recall the last time I had had anger in my tone. It tasted ghastly, like poison on my tongue. I did not like it. I let it sit for a moment, walking slow, before sighing and releasing the vile thing, chest deflated and head falling. I closed my eyes and stopped walking, but didn't turn around.

I wanted to ask about his mother, but he had stopped, and I took that as a sign that I should not push. Instead I just stood there rigid and defeated. I did not want Michael to stay with us against his will, but the selfish part of me knew I would not live without him. "You know, Michael, I never had a friend before you." I said it slowly, voice heavy, my accent much fainter than normal, hidden behind the quiet tone. "I mean, the guys are great, but..." What could I say that would not insult the rest of our family? They were not here, but it didn't feel right admitting that I didn't see Ray as really a friend, just a guy with mutual interests. And Geoff was a father of sorts, but even he did not own emotional ties to me. Not like Michael did. "You may not think you are any use, or maybe you aren't appreciated....I don't know your reasons, I am not you and I won't pretend to understand...but maybe you're the world to someone, Michael." I paused, chewing on my tongue anxiously. I stood there in silence after that, not ready to say it out loud that I was, of course, referring to me, but hoping Michael might get the message. When you only have one friend in the world, having that friend torn away can be the worst imaginable thing. I would never pretend I was strong enough to handle that.

I would never be the tough guy with the stone heart--I would always just be that sensitive man who plasters on the smile when the world gets tough.

[I L Y I C H]

I cringed back away from him, but it only made the confusion swell. The rage I had long ago attached to it in some pathetic attempt to protect myself bubbled up all the farther alongside. Teeth bared up to their roots I snarled in response unable to find the proper reaction. I didn't fucking know what that was. There was nothing low about my voice in comparison to Gavin's and I hated it. I was all but spitting in his face, but I couldn't force it down. Couldn't swallow the emotion now that it had been dredged up and forced to the surface. "Yes you fucking do!" I was still roaring, the tones slamming around in my broader chest. Mother had needed it to, though she would always deny it. Say I didn't need to be big and protect her. 'I don't need to be guarded baby'. Oh and those words burned tears into the back of my eyes but I wouldn't fucking cry in front of Gavin. I wouldn't.

My body was trembling by the time he turned away from me and I couldn't stop yelling. "That doesn't make sense!" I could like them. I could appreciate their presence but for Skoll's sake all I did was leach off of them. Half the time I couldn't even catch anything big enough to feed anyone but me and I didn't eat it anyway so what was the fucking point? "So I can make a fucking joke! I'm useless! Why the fuck are you angry at me!?" I spat out the last sentence almost desperately, tasting the vitriol so unlike the larger folami in the air. I was telling the truth dammit! And I despised the desperate panic that slammed into my voice. And oh yeah, I could feel the panic attack bubbling at the back of my head. Rushing energy that was way way too much. Just all together. Everywhere. I couldn't really breath but at this point I didn't really care about such stupid things. Closing my eyes and gritting my teeth I focused on fighting back the self asphyxiation for a moment until the dumb ass starting talking again and I just stood there staring at the back of his head wheezing.

I went lax slowly, loosing energy with every word he spoke. I couldn't' keep up the anger and I closed off slightly. Watching him almost incredulously. Not comprehending. Just. Why? Gavin wouldn't lie to me. So why. Why the fuck would he care about me like that? We were friends. Good friends. But I had always been the weak link in that. Half pulled away. What the fuck was he even thinking? For fuck sake I was skin and bones and he only found out because I puked in front of him by accident. I had ben lying to him for months and here he was trying to help just like always. And I was just failing him. My ears went back, ever hair prickled in self defense wilting all at once, and I almost collapsed in on myself in less then an instant. Skoll I was a horrible person. But for some fucked up reason Gavin liked me. Wanted to be my friend. Wanted to fucking help me, because that's what he was doing. Tying to help me and I didn't know what the fuck to do or say so I stumbled up to him and shoved myself against his side. He was so touchy feely it might help right? Or maybe I was just being selfish but I couldn't draw up the energy to care as I hid my face in his shoulder to hide the fact that I was still fighting back tears.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

There it was. He was getting angry. My fur rose slightly along my spine in response, but it quickly lay flat once more. It was Michael's shield against everything, his temper. Mine was my smile. It tried to pry its way forward, but I wouldn't let it. I was done pretending, I was done with my suit of armor. I wasn't happy right now so I was not going to smile. Though, I wasn't angry, either. Hurt to some degree, perhaps. Maybe a little frustrated. But mostly I was scared. I wanted Michael to see he didn't need to be our guardian. I wanted him to just be a kid, a part of our family. He thought he was so useless, and that hurt me further. Why wasn't the power to make people laugh so under appreciated? That was all I did for the group. That was all Ray did, too. So if Michael was useless, then so were we. I would not play that game, though. I did not want to make him feel guilty.

I opened my jaws to say in a soft tone that I wasn't mad--to apologize. I would not let us fight like this. It hurt far too much. I wanted to erase what all had just happened to start over again. I would handle it differently, more delicately. I would swallow my anger and just show him patience. I knew that isn't what the man needed, nor what he would want, but it was what I was good at. I would let him snarl and rip into me, let his rage fly. Then he could be okay. I would be the punching bag.

I wasn't prepared to be the teddy bear.

The contact made me tense at first, having allowed myself to be deaf to all those quiet emotions in the man's voice, focusing solely on the anger. I knew how to handle Michael when he was mad at me--this was new. Him stepping forward and making the initial contact was not unheard of--if it was violent contact. This was gentle...needing. This was different. I found myself twisting my body around to shove my nose roughly into the side of his head, eyes closed as I let myself be controlled by the need. If only this man knew how true my words had been. He was my world and everything in it. I loved our family, but Michael was more than just my family. He was something new. I did not understand it, and I would not try to. I did not need to ruin this by my want to know what this ache really meant. Maybe I wouldn't want to know.

"Michael, I just want you to trust me." There, I let the thing that had been eating at me for days slip muffled into his long fur. I pushed harder into the brittle hairs, finding comfort in the mass. I wanted him to tell me what was eating away at him so harshly that he would put himself through this. I needed to know what it was that hurt him so. But I would not push him. I had told him what I wanted and if he was ready to then I would listen. If not, I would continue to act like it did not hurt me. Because I was a coward and here I had made myself vulnerable, but I would laugh it off dryly if he took that vulnerability and knowing or unknowingly went for my vitals.

Trust. Was there such a thing anymore, or was I simply asking too much?

[I L Y I C H]

I stayed where I was, hidden against him. Breathing. I tensed with him, and relaxed slowly with the feeling of his breath brushing through my fur. Half of me had honestly expected him to pull away in disgust, and I was comforted by his staying against me. Skoll I knew I probably felt like a bag of bones, and I was sorry about that but I hadn't thought about it until just this instant. My ears folded back slowly, nose pressing closer to the build up of muscle in Gavin's shoulder. Hiding maybe. Just a little. His words vibrated into my jaw before I really heard them, and my ears tightened against the top of my skull in response. Of course. Thats all anyone wanted. Trust was vital, after all. Relationships died without it. Friendships were meant to be built off of it. So I took in a deep breath and came out with it. I'd been a royal douche bag all night and he had the right to know. "I'm bulimic."

My voice sounded quiet even to me, and though half of me hoped he didn't hear me the other half knew he had to have. We were pressed too close together for anything else. I closed my eyes automatically. Hiding further, though again I couldn't really do much of anything in the way of fucking hiding when I was using Gavin as my damn hiding place. I took in another low breath, puffing out my cheeks and pulling back enough to force myself to rest my chin on his shoulders instead of squishing my muzzle into it. "I'm fucking sorry man I just... I don't fucking know." I was leaning against him with more weight then I thought, but I guess he was bigger then me. He could fucking deal with it. My voice had gone from almost silent to simply low. Tired. uncertainty seemed to be a fun game that my mind liked to play most of the time.

I mean who the hell was I meant to explain this to him? 'I puke because it makes me feel better'? What normal Folami would ever get that explanation and just be okay with it? Gavin would have questions that I couldn't answer and it would just make me feel guilty, but I would try. He was trying, I could at least give him that. He was trying to help me. Did he even know what bulimia was? Oh dear Skoll I didn't want to explain it to him. I could still taste it on my tongue and the idea of spitting it all out just made my stomach curl. Because dammit I didn't want this, but I couldn't stop it. If he could help I would fight for it. I wasn't stupid. I knew I couldn't fix all the damage that had led to this, at least not by myself. I didn't want to have to explain but I would. Sucking in one last reverse sigh I flicked my ears back, avoiding hitting him in the side of the head while I did so. "It started- this guy" I paused biting my tongue for a second. "He-" Of course I couldn't fucking spit it out. "My mom" I offered instead, voice falling into dull turmoil. I had never actually said it out loud. Never said the word 'dead'. Killed. ANything. I couldn't make it fit on my tongue.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I couldn't bring myself to pretend I was surprised. Perhaps only a few minutes ago I would have been, but my brain had pieced it together and come to the conclusion he was bulimic. I had denied it half-heartedly, but it made sense. I leaned towards him to support the extra weight he was pushing against me. I breathed slowly, waiting for more. I knew he would say more, but I had to be patient with him. Perhaps there were times we were cruel to each other--some who only saw us on occasion would expect me to use this moment to my own advantage. Tough guy Michael, hiding against my shoulder (because that was clearly what he was doing), making himself vulnerable. I could ruin him. But I would never. We could piss and moan at each other every second of every day, but it was in love. Everything we did was in love for one another, never out of ill-intention.

He shifted his head to rest his maw on my shoulder, rather than hide within it. I pulled my snout away slightly, no longer touching, green gaze open and sitting softly on his muzzle. His words came out jumbled, and it was clear the thought of explaining his reasons hurt him. He said 'mom' in such a pained fashion that I knew. I could act like a child, but I was not one. I did not say a word, but I narrowed my eyes gently to tell him I understood. The guy had hurt, perhaps killed his mom. Seems we all had a story to tell. I wondered idly if anyone in the Achievement Hunters had a happy tale. I found it doubtful--even Ray has his demons. He had briefly mentioned to me (and only me, he claimed) that his crown was in memory of someone he lost. I never asked for anything more--that had been the only moment in all the time I had known Ray to hear his voice fall to those sad chimes. I hated seeing innocence get snuffed out by memories. We needed to leave memories in the past.

What a hypocrite I was.

"I hear you." It was said softly, a way to express that I understood what was being unsaid. He did not need to speak of it if it hurt him. The death of a loved one is a delicate matter, something many find difficulty in putting to words. But to have one not just die, but killed, that was something the heart is not capable of coping with, no matter how strong you are. I did not need to hear the words, I could feel it on him. I said no empty 'I am so sorry' or whatever it is people so often toss carelessly into the situation. That does not help. It does not bring people back. All it does is force someone to remember that they are alone, that the person is truly gone. Michael did not need that--he could read the gentle sympathy in my gaze. All I asked of him now with a silent gaze was that he continue to the next part. I wanted to try and understand the core to why he did what he did. Only then could I ever hope to help him.

No, wait. I could not help him--I could only try and make him want to help himself.

[I L Y I C H]

Thank Skoll. He understood, of course he did. Gavin wasn't an idiot. No matter the horrible things I spat at him sometimes. I was a fucking hypocrite. I did this to myself because of all the shit people spewed at me so I spit it at other people. Apologies only went so far after all, even if I did always apologize. Guilt shouldn't be a fucking after thought. I blinked meekly back at him when I finally found the courage to meet his green gaze. So he understood. He didn't say anything else, though. Just waited. Waited for the leave to break I guess. Waiting for me to keep going and provide more information. Gavin was listening to me. Blinking slowly I pressed my ears forward once more, trying my damndest to keep eye contact though my gaze kept jumping away.

"I... I couldn't protect her. I was too small. Weaker." I rolled my shoulders uncertainly. Reliving the entire thing internally made my mouth taste vile. He'd held me down. Blood wasn't a thing I could even look at now without feeling sick to the very bottom of my stomach. There wasn't a damn thing I could do and the words he'd said all but spilled poison into me and I'd lost it. There was nothing to be done and nothing to do about it. But he hadn't killed me. Just left. Just like that. Poison I'd heard all my life injected at just the right time and it had set off a time bomb. I'd exploded and the self loathing mess I had made had been abandoned to the way side. "I mean I know its stupid. It's not- this makes me even more pathetic but..." It made me look how I was meant to. How I wanted so desperately my entire life to look.

I broke eye contact and looked down, tuning my skull enough to half hide my face again leaving one orange eye narrowed and staring off at absolutely fucking nothing. "I was picked on a lot as a kid and I guess it just all" I shook my head slightly and hid myself again. "Came together" I mumbled the words into his shoulder. It sounded fucking stupid, I knew, but I couldn't change how traumatizing it had been. I still had nightmares about it, not just Mom just everything in general. Fears culminating. Geoff wouldn't kick me out I knew that, but it didn't mean I wasn't terrified of it. I just didn't want anyone to hate me any more. I didn't want them to take one look at me and know that I was beneath them, and always would be. I couldn't fix it but I could mask it. Hide the problem behind thick fur and a thinner form. So thats what I did.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I didn't say a thing for a while, just watched the man as he finished. He had broken the eye contact, but I continued to set my green gaze onto the silver furs of his temple. The nice little streaks of off-white just below his ears. He had to have time to grieve again. It hurt me that I had caused this, but something made the guilt stop. He needed to be upset. Sorrow was healthy when the heart hurts. If you don't let yourself mourn, things like his habit formed. The man thought he had failed his mother, and that was touching in a way. Sometimes children forget their parents are mortal, and they become angry with them when they die. Michael saw it the opposite way, he thought he should have been the one to protect her.

I did not say a word as I slowly pulled myself away from him. There was nothing I could offer in ways of comfort right now--or nothing I would offer, that is. Some would take this time to reassure him it wasn't his fault, that he was beautiful and strong just how he was. But it wasn't that time yet. I hoped there would be a point where those words would not fall on deaf ears, but now wasn't it. I shifted myself and turned to actually face my whole body towards him now, nose brushing lightly along the shorter man's forehead, eyes closed by a small tingle of guarded pleasure at the contact. "Thank you." It was simple, but the emotion there was clear. I was worth something now, and I needed that. Michael had trusted me. The man would never know what that meant to me.

But I would serve a lifetime proving my gratitude.