Colorblind [bhu]

[I L Y I C H]

This had seemed like a really good plan until about ten seconds ago when I had stepped into the clearing full of our sleep friends. Telling Geoff had been my idea, and I had half begged Gavin to help me out. In all reality I would assume we both knew it was more to force me to not back out. This wasn't going to fix things, but it was a start. A start I needed. So I took a big breath and stepped forward one more pace before going still once more. Chocolate fur rippling along my spine I cast yet another half-panicked glance at the white folami along side me. Sure this had been my idea but I'd been on a roll then. Elated from the response Gavin had given me. I knew I needed to trust them with me, but that high was gone now and all it left was fear. Terror really. Was the idea that Geoff going to help me really correct?

He could just as easily freak out on me, which was starting to seem way too likely. He would freak out and try to do something drastic and I would never be able to look my father in the face every again. So I froze up with horrible nightmare scenarios playing in my head and just stared at the sleeping mound of gray and brown fur that made up my leader. "Gavin" his name all but drained out of my mouth. Th whine was thick and I made it patently obvious that I wasn't about to budge. All of my courage had washed straight down the drain in less then a second and I couldn't stop the rippling of agitation in my fur.

Why the fuck had I agreed to this? I'd made him promise not to let me back down. Why the fuck had I thought this was a good plan? Swallowing thickly I looked up at Gavin, twisting my lips into a grimace. He was gonna have to go get Geoff. I would stay here and wait. Or maybe run away the second Gavin started to walk towards the bigger man. Yeah that seemed like a good plan, but then I would have to figure out how to get back. I had to come back, I'd promised I wouldn't just up and vanish. The issue being then convincing Geoff that we had just been fucking with him waking him up at Skoll-knew-what-fucking-time-it-was in the morning.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I could feel Michael's excited confidence waver, and then dry up as everyone came into view. They were all still asleep, even Ray was still out cold, though I was surprised to see he had, in fact, moved from the spot he had been in before I had left earlier this morning. He was now by Joel, pushed into his stomach. I smirked despite myself. That man was a heat-whore. I glanced towards Ryan. The brute would not be happy when he woke up and found his kid was off snuggling with the longer-furred folami. I couldn't blame, Ray, though. If I had thought of it, I would have probably pushed my way into the blanket that was Joel, too. Well, maybe not. Ray, Ryan, and Joel seemed to have made friends yesterday--I was still just a stranger to the new guy.

Focusing back onto Michael, I narrowed my eyes and silently shoved my nose to his. I could not just go and fetch Geoff, Michael would clearly bolt off. I could not call to Geoff--Ray was always listening and he would demand to tag along, something I would not let happen and it would end up damaging our friendship. I could use brute strength and push Michael towards Geoff, but I worried this would only worsen his anxiety. My eyes quickly jumped around for something to toss at the father folami, landing on a small pebble. I hoped this morning was a light sleep morning. I kicked the small pebble at the man, using my eyes to speak silently, telling him (should the rock wake him up) to keep quiet and just follow us. There was a sense of urgent seriousness about my expression that I would not have been able to fake. I hope Geoff read it like I figured he would. My father knew my masks well, and he would know that I was no good at pretending to be serious.

I brushed my snout lightly by Michael's ear quickly, letting my breath warm his skin against the rain. It was meant to comfort him before I turned my attention back to the creature I was trying to wake, but the contact had heated my own insides instead.

[I L Y I C H]

I never slept very deeply. Night was a time for memories and while most of them were good I could not help the way the bad snuck around like ghosts. So many lost answers to questions pounding against my ribs. The nightmares kept my mind at the edge of wakefulness, prepared to escape if it must. A man could only take so much self loathing before he broke after all, so I had long ago begun to assume this was the PTSD trying to protect me. Some sort of emergency abortion tactic. I'd woken up an hour ago to the sound of Ray moving away from Ryan. It was a worrying thing whenever anyone got up in the night, even if just to take a piss. It made my heart beat a fraction faster to imagine any of my boys out in the dark alone. So I woke instantly, and fixed half lidded blue eyes on the young folami as he skirted up to the tawny form of our newest member and huddled into the slightly larger man's stomach.

I'd been wondering over that for a short while. Guess Joel was quite a bit warmer, his fur being properly insulated instead of the skin tight make up that Ray and Ryan shared. Never the less it set a fraction of concern for Ryan in place. Had he and Ray gotten into a bigger fight then usual while showing Joel around? I winced at the thought. Not only could those two get down right inconsolable but Skoll I didn't want to think about Joel being stuck in the middle of it. Gavin normally got the brunt of those particular brawls, and even then I frowned from a distance. Gavin knew how to take care of himself though, and I didn't doubt he had spoken up on more then one occasion. Dealing verbal blows in front of some poor unknown stranger wasn't really a great way to introduce oneself. It was in these quiet musings that I glanced over to where my son would normally be sprawled in his gangly heap in sleep.

Gavin wasn't there.

Head all but lashing off the ground I looked around sharply eyes fully open and ears erect. Michael was gone too. Okay no need to panic. If the two of them were together they were probably off doing something stupid. Getting themselves hurt. My ears went back a notch, eyes narrowing half in anger and half out of fear. Jack curled neatly at my side snuffled lightly before blinking up at me as I turned to glare down at him. Ginger snout lifting slightly the man gave a low mumble of question, before looking around; searching for what had upset me. Jack apparently caught on pretty fast because he looked back to me with a particularly empathetic expression. At least he didn't judge me for my protective nature. Michael had taunted me about it once and it had taken a shit ton of effort to not beat the shit out of him. A man didn't see what I had seen and not become violently infected with the urge to protect.

"They're probably just off talking Geoff. Michael looked a bit off earlier Gavin probably went to help him." I stared down at him, willing myself to believe those words despite the menagerie of horrible images welling behind my tired eyes. Jack sounded a bit anxious though, and I focused on that with a frown. Did he know something I didn't? Sure Michael had looked particularly queazy before we had all settled in for the night, but I'd asked him if he felt ill and the younger dog had just made a joke about eating too fast. I let out a sigh in response, still frowning though I reluctantly set my chin back on the mostly dry earth. Jack was right. Nothing horrible would happen, not with us within hearing distance. Even Gavin wasn't stupid enough to leave where we could protect him. I remained awake for a good thirty minutes, stifling a yawn as Jack resumed his low snoring beside me.

So I was awake when the little stone caught me in the hip. I looked sharply towards the disturbance, eyes focusing first on Gavin. Sure my face gave away just how annoyed I was with a) being hit with a rock and b) their leaving in the middle of the night, I turned my pale stare to Michael and all but froze. Wide ginger eyes stared back at me, panic and fear deep in them and I was on my paws before I could take a breath. Who the fuck had touched my kids. I swear to Skoll I would murder someone. My eyes snapped questioningly back to Gavin, but he had that look on his face and so with a heavy frown I moved as quietly and as quickly away as I could. Michael backed up as I approached, glancing at Gavin before turning and padding carefully farther off into the grass lands just beyond our little wooded glade.

Casting a look to the larger of the pair I walked past the white man and after Michael's low hanging tail. He didn't seem to limping, though he absolutely reeked of vomit. Maybe Jack was right, but that didn't alleviate any of my fears. Why would they be leading me out here if something wasn't horribly amiss? Was he sick? How sick? Was it fatal? Fuck. Was it contagious? But I went right after him, hovering at his shoulder silently offering comfort. Michael didn't pause until he had reached a small pile of rocks which he sat down next to carefully letting out a thick trembling sigh as he did so. His mouth was open but no words were coming out so I sat in front of him and put on my best fatherly face and tried to look more reassuring then scared out of my wits. The kid just looked back to Gavin, eyes wide and mouth still hanging open. As if unsure what to say. Begging for help. I transferred my stare to Gavin, unable to stop the demand for information that began to press into my expression.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I was not surprised by the hint of annoyance in Geoff's expression when he lifted his head to face us. I almost let my eyes hold an apology, but I quickly reminded myself why we were here and decided I did not need to apologize. Right now Geoff had to see how desperate we were to just have him follow us without a sound. He did, and I made my way to walk to one side of Michael, that opposite to Geoff. When he finally sat down, confident in where he had chosen, I followed suit and sat down a couple paces away. I would try and stand out of this and let the two talk.

But then Michael couldn't speak and he looked at me anxiously and Geoff looked at me demanding answers. Fuck.

I moved forward fluidly, immedietly shoving my nose into Michael's cheek, breathing warm air against wet skin. My eyes were closed as I slid my snout along his cheek bone and found my way up to his ear. "You can do this. Geoff will not judge you. He loves you." My tone was warm as I whispered the words of comfort into the man's hearing alone. I found myself forgetting Geoff was there, knowing this would look strange to outside eyes but not caring. My Michael was scared and I could not let that fear keep him from telling our father. Geoff would travel to the ends of the earth for us--he had for me time and time again. I knew he would do the same for Michael, if Michael just let him. I could not be the one to say the words, though. This was Michael's battle. I could just sit here beside him and be something to lean against and remind him he is not alone here. I slid my snout down his cheek bone once more, slowly, comforting, before pulling the contact away and sitting down, leaning into him and looking towards Geoff. My eyes betrayed that I was surprised to see the man there for a second, despite the fact that he had been in my words and thoughts the entire time. But the contact, the contact had cleared my mind. I pushed harder into Michael now, needing the contact as much as I felt he needed it.

Geoff would understand. He would make Michael better. He would save my Michael.

[I L Y I C H]

My brow lifted, ears flicking backwards as Gavin moved forward. Comfort really was something the kid was good at I guess but with Michael? The mutt wasn't really one for touching of any kind. It seemed to make him uncomfortable in most situations. Here and now though he relaxed slightly, not so much leaning into Gavin's touch so much as simply falling lax against it. I felt the incredulous expression on my face extended even farther. "Did you guys seriously wake up me and drag me out here to come out because we pretty much assumed-" Michaels head snapped towards me and my voice died as I realized that no that apparently wasn't what this was about. At least if the abrupt sputtering pouring out of the chocolate dog's mouth was anything to go by.

Frowning thickly I leaned forward, the apprehension returning as I realized that no I did not in fact know the answer. Michael had clamped his mouth closed again, eyes focused on me intently. Okay. So I was wrong. He didn't have to look so fucking conflicted about it. Maybe I wasn't so wrong anyway, this just wasn't the current issue. Pulling back into serious mode I gave the smaller man my undivided attention. I'd apologize for jumping to conclusions later. Michael shifted awkwardly, glancing back at Gavin who hadn't moved all that far off I noticed, before mouthing something to himself that seemed to include my name. I would assume it was whatever Gavin had said to him. The two were all but shoved up into each other's bodies and I frowned heavily at the abrupt desperate bravery that cropped up on Michael's face.

"I'm bulimic." The man all but spat the words out the rush of air was so great form his lungs. I went still abruptly, all my teasing half worried thoughts spiraling straight into no-where land. My stomach twisted. I knew what that meant obviously. I wasn't a child. Mental illness wasn't anything to fucking mess with. Processing rapidly I took Michael in with a sharper eye, noticing and hating myself as I did so, all the things I should have seen a long time ago. How had he managed to hide this from me? Why had he? I could have helped. But this wasn't the time for my own guilt to turn into bitterness. This was about Michael. This was about helping my god damn kid. I put up a brave face and took a step forward to settled my chin on top of the smaller folami's skull.

"What do you need from me?" He'd gone completely still under my touch, even the light fearful shaking of his body pausing for a moment before continuing ten fold. It felt as if he was about to shake himself apart. Michael didn't respond, his head staying where it was though his breath came hot and quick against my throat. "Shit, man" I drew the words out pulling back enough to press my snout quickly and carefully against as many points of his neck and shoulders as I could, abruptly hating how sharp the bones felt against my muzzle. I hadn't fucking noticed. "It's okay. You don't have to say shit, I should have known." I shook my head, but Michael had looked back up from his eye-lock on my chest and shook his head twice as hard. Disagreeing but not knowing how to put it in words. "Gavin how long have you known? Have you been helping him?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My eyes opened with Geoff's statement, but I said nothing. I had become tense with it, wanting to glare at the man, but I could not find the energy to do so. My heart was torn to pieces by the lack of sleep and exhausting events. I could not wrap my brain around what his words were suggesting. Me and Michael? Michael and me? Never! We were friends, good friends, but it was not like that. Or maybe it was. Shit. My eyes flicked to Geoff's in a heated glance. Geoff, you fucking piss pot, now you woke up the doubt. But I said nothing, I simply let Michael fall lax against me, whisper a response, and then finally share the real reason we were out here.

Geoff reacted how I would have hoped he would. Considerate, careful, delicate--these were all the ways to handle the situation, and Geoff was acing it. Perhaps I had allowed myself to fret a little bit that Geoff would smother the boy, but I had known better deep down. Geoff knew how to react based on each person. It was a trait I found so endearing in the man--he could adapt to any situation, rather than trying to force the 'one size fits all' tactic.

When I question shifted to my direction, however, I found myself looking to my feet. I wish I could have said I had known for a while, because I wish I had. I wish Michael had trusted me all along. But, mostly, I was upset because I could not say I had helped him at all. "I just learned recently. I have been of no help." It came out heavy, as if I could think of nothing worse than having failed my friend. I shoved my nose back into Michael's neck, closing my eyes and finding solace in the bristly fur of the husky-mix. "I provide nothing but a pair of ears to hear." It felt weird saying these things. Wrong. I felt like we were disrespecting Michael by talking as if he wasn't right there.

"But Michael's helping himself. He came to you."

[I L Y I C H]

My eyes focused on Gavin as my chin settled back into place on top of Michael's head. It was a position I hadn't intentionally meant to be demeaning really, I only now realized that it might be. Surely his illness had something to do with his status as a half breed. It had always made him uncomfortable when we teased him about it. Cussing under my breath and hating myself for every single second of those stupid jokes I all but dug my chin into his skin ignoring his mumbled disagreement as I drug the kid against my chest. He wouldn't just fucking throw me off. i knew Michael. I knew he didn't like us touching him, but knowing what I did not I couldn't help but assume it was because of the way his body felt against me.

Jesus christ he was skin and bone.

How had I not noticed? How? This kid was my responsibility. He was a member of my pack and I was suppose to protect him. From everything. No one hurt my kids. No one but me apparently. The guilt was pooling in my system and I all but didn't notice Gavin's little freak out though I made note of it weakly in the back of my mind. Subconsciously wondering. His words cut me off right as I started to trail after the implications of the pallid dog's expression. Michael had remained where he was pressed against my chest with no apparent intention to move, so I lifted my head enough to look closely at my son.

Guilt was thick in him too, of course it was. We were a family and none of us had known. It tasted wrong in my mouth. The very idea that Michael had been suffering alone because he didn't want to tell us. It was obvious he had been terrified of my reaction. He'd been fucking shaking. What did the chocolate mutt think I was going to do to him? Dammit what had the other people in his life done to him to make him be fucking scared to speak with me? My ears lanced backwards instantly at the thought. Who the fuck had done this much damage to his heart? The child, he was a fucking child, was still hunched into my chest his nose pressed to my neck. Face hidden, I realized.

Then Gavin spoke up and Michael all but ripped out of his hiding place, almost knocking my front legs out from under me in doing so. "He's been a lot of help don't fucking listen to him." I cut my eyes away from Gavin's white face and down to the harsh expression on Michael's. The kid looked less terrified now, but the fear had fallen into guarded worry which translated to anger in his regard. As it normally did. One could all but make a map of Michael's emotions based off the differing tones of fury in his voice. I looked to the newer member of our little family carefully, willing him to keep going. Michael glanced at my expression before he cut his orange eyes down to his paws.

"Listening is what I wanted." He grumbled the words, barley making them audible and I nodded in reaction. It was what was needed. Just an ear. I could give that. Gavin could give that. I nodded again. Right.

"I know your gonna hate me for it kid, but why? Why go so far?" I couldn't help it, the morbid worried curiosity. Michael's dark shoulders pulled together slightly, the tense line of his back sharpening even further. A wind up toy turned one click too far. He didn't have an answer for me, I knew. Shit like that came from so many places, all rolled up into one. Maybe some day he could bring himself to tell me the trigger but not now. I wonder if he had told Gavin. My eyes narrowed at the thought, and I stood carefully nudging Michael to tell him to stay. "Gavin." My snout jerked sharply as I turned maneuvering myself out of hearing distance. I could practically feel Michael's eyes boring into my back.

I focused a stern expression on my son, pressing back my worry and guilt to put up a front that I hoped would impress my thoughts on the kid. It wasn't a doubt in my mind that Gavin knew exactly how drastic the situation was. He wasn't a child nor was he an idiot. "He trusts you." I pointed out the obvious first. Michael had all but used Gavin as a shield. It was obvious that they had had some kind of talk out in the forest before coming to me. "I need you to protect him. Ok? You don't need to tell me shit but I need you to up and swear to me right now that you will be there for him."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I was touched by Michael’s outburst. I could not bring myself to push away my own guilt, but I found my heart beating a little steadier with his words. Yeah, I could understand this, the want for someone to simply listen to me. Though, I was never good at putting my thoughts to words. I had envied the human’s written language, wondering if perhaps I could do better if I put things down on paper. But, alas, I had no thumbs. I shook away the drifted thoughts. Selfish, I was being fucking selfish going into my own world here. It was a defense mechanism, because I was scared. I was scared of everything going on here--of Geoff’s first assumption, and the doubt it had erupted in my gut. It frightened me to think we might not be able to help Michael. I was terrified that now that Geoff knew, Michael would not come to me anymore. Why should he? Daddy Geoff could heal the wounds. The smallest prick of jealousy towards Geoff planted--I knew how to work a blasted band-aid to.

When Michael did not answer Geoff’s question, though, I found myself dragging all attention back to the smaller man. I had had to fight him some to get it, but not much. My ears moved forward slightly, expecting. Nothing came from his jaws, and there was an oddly satisfying, but all the while horrifying feeling in my stomach. I wanted to keep Michael to myself, to be his hero, but I knew Geoff was more capable than I. What could I do? I was an insensitive prick more often than not, so the not quite so self absorbed part of me knew Michael had to rely on Geoff. But, the selfish part was stronger--I was bloody pleased the man was not answering the question.

When Geoff said my name and faced me, I could not help but have my eyes narrow in his direction, a defiant look taking over my expression. If he thought I would tell him the reason behind Michael’s actions when Michael had clearly decided not to, he was dead wrong. Nothing was worth betraying my friend’s trust. Geoff could piss and moan like a little school girl if he wanted to, but my lips were sealed. And so I just glared at him, waiting, daring him to try and push information from me. I stepped towards my father tensely, having my expression state clearly that I would not be betraying my friend--not even for my father. We were out of hearing distance from Michael now if we kept our voices low, but I was not about to take advantage of that.

Oh, trust. Geoff understood the meaning of the word.

My eyes snapped forward (after having traveled to his cheek, not wanting to see the disapproval there that I would stand more loyal to Michael than to him), connecting with the stern gaze of the wolf. I could hear what he said, but it sounded distant. He had not beckoned me a couple steps away to interrogate me, but to ask me to protect the man in question. I stared at him coolly for a moment, green locked to his pale blue. “With every last breath.” Simply put, I turned as the words whispered determined from my lips. I bee-lined right back to Michael’s side and pushed my forehead to his neck fiercely. I would give my life for this dog.

I didn’t need to be asked.