Teen Idle [bhu]

[I L Y I C H]

I knew nothing had really changed. I knew all the support in the world wouldn't stop this. It wouldn't be easy and I had known that. It didn't change the fact that the thought hadn't really settled into my subconscious until just this moment. I'd deluded myself. The guys would make it better. Fix it. But it wasn't fucking fixed and I couldn't stop the self loathing tumbling around in my head. Nausea wasn't even the start of it. Curled tightly into myself I remained silent in the dark. Everyone should be asleep, though Skoll knew Geoff never really did sleep for very long. I'd been good for the last three days, thoroughly distracted by the knew not so horrible thought that I had two people looking over me. Two people I wanted to be proud of me. Yet here I was stuck in my own head and fighting the urges that all but begged me to sneak away. It wouldn't be to hard.

Guilt tasted thick on my tongue. Guilt that I knew wouldn't be approved of by either Geoff or Gavin. That didn't make it taste any less vile in my mouth. I hadn't promised anyone anything. Hadn't said I wouldn't do it, but thats what it felt like. I just didn't want to disappoint them. Didn't want them to see just how weak I was. But it boiled in my blood and I shifted unable to stay still any longer. Antsy. Unable to sit still. I hadn't shifted in a while though, and I tilted my ears towards Gavin automatically hoping I hadn't woken the larger man up. I'd been all but glued to his side the last three days. hiding, I guessed. Geoff had asked me about Jack right after we got back that first night and it became apparent that he had known longer then anyone else. Jack and Geoff weren't on very good terms right now. And it was my fault. They had been screaming at each other yesterday using stupid half hidden ways of talking but I knew what they were arguing about.

Now Jack was asleep next to Ryan, trying to pretend like he wasn't hurt that Geoff was furious with him. It wasn't Jack's fault after all. He'd been trying to keep me comfortable. Geoff had just been mad that jack hadn't come to me. Tried to help. It wasn't Jack's duty. And now the ginger folami was at a loss and Geoff refused to look at him and it was my fucking fault. Clenching my jaw I hid my face deeper under my dark paws, fighting to ignore the searing weight in my chest. It felt like my heart was being pressed by heated bricks. Too tight and too hot all at the same time and Skoll dammit I couldn't do this. I wasn't strong enough for this. I need it. I needed to. Panic lashed aside any real guilt in less then a second, manic behavior over taking most of my brain. I was an asshole and I couldn't do it.

Rising carefully to my paws I moved away from Gavin as quietly as possible. I hadn't been actually touching him. It shouldn't wake him up. I hoped to Skoll it wouldn't wake him up. Shame cut into me, but it wasn't enough to stop me. Not now. It was too late. Geoff hadn't moved from his spot just a few paces to my right. Apparently he had actually managed to sleep without his nightmares forcing him awake. So I wouldn't be the one to wake him. Not when he was comfortable and not remembering for once. It was a way out. I could wake up someone. Three people knew. Three people would be willing to talk me down if I just went to them but I couldn't. Couldn't make myself reach out. Legs trembling from where I stood I hesitated for along second, half hoping that someone would wake up and fucking stop me. That hope couldn't resist the searing need for very long. So I gave up. Gave in. Weakness was a flaw I would always have. Disgusting fucking weakness.

Claws cutting into the mud I whispered away. What I lacked in muscle I made up in agility. In sheer sneakiness. Ironically. It was helpful at least. Without the weight of a normal folami I ghosted across the ground. Silent. Careful to keep the constant twitching of my legs from jumping into anything that would make any noise. Shame was thick, but it didn't ever seem to be able to stop the desperation. The need for a way out. Simple. Teeth grating I shot one last pained look over my back before hurrying away, tail tucked. Someone would get up soon, I knew these people. I knew my own luck. Head dropped low I scuttled off into the misting rain knowing full well that when I came back I would have to face them all. Face the disappointment. Even knowing that I couldn't stop my paws from moving. Away. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe I should just stay out here, shuddering by myself. I couldn't hurt anyone else this way.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I kept my eyes closed, body still. Michael had shifted beside me, getting to his paws, but I could sense some hesitation. I kept my breathing steady, letting the man believe I was still asleep. What good would it do if I woke up and started accusing him, no matter how gentle and 'beat around the bush' I did so? He would only lie to me, and it would hurt. Or tell me the truth, which would simply hurt in a whole different way. No, I would let him do as he pleased, make his own choice here.

The faint heat a my side vanished, the wall against a slow breeze suddenly gone. I couldn't help but lift my head slowly and watch after the fading shape. My heart sunk, knowing exactly where the man was going. I had been naive to think that maybe having Geoff, Jack, and me to turn to had healed him surprisingly fast. It had been several days since I had found him the first time. I did not think he had gone without my knowledge since then, and he had seemed reasonably happy. Well, except during the moments of hostility between Jack and Geoff. Those seemed to upset him, no matter how hard he tried to cover it. I felt slightly bad for Ray, Ryan, and Joel. I know Ryan had overheard the heated exchanges, casting me a questioning glance when I reacted with a hint of shame. I had offered him a shrug, lying. I had to keep Michael's secret, but it hurt to lie to someone who was almost like an Uncle to me. Fortunately Ray seemed far too distracted by Joel to permit much interest into the inner war going on. But I knew he sensed it. I had seen his ear prick in the direction of Geoff and Jack. They all knew something wasn't right.

At least everyone respected the right to secrets.

Climbing to my paws after Michael's scent had faded, I followed quietly after him. I made my steps silent until I was sure I was out of hearing distance from the pack. My idea was not to creep up or spy on Michael, so I did not want him to get that thought. I let my steps get a little more careless--a quiet slash here, a cracked stick there. The idea was to be there for him, not simply be there. He had to know I was around, that I would do anything for him, all he need to do is ask. But for now I said not a word as I managed to catch up to him, ears back and head lowered, tail drooped. I kept about a foot of distance between us, attention on the man. Would he send me away? My heart raced at the thought, but I kept my eyes focused on the ground in front of me.

Finally, I felt words pushing at the back of my throat. "I'm proud of you." There, it was whispered but it was said. I knew this was a disease--a mental disease was no easier to control than a physical one. He had lasted so long these past few days, and I felt he was so strong because he did so. I would have broken the very first day. I didn't know if it was pride running him, or maybe (I hoped) it was Geoff and me, but it didn't matter. Whatever the gasoline, it was working well.

I made no move to stop him. This was a drug, and everyone knows cutting cold from a drug is the worst mistake you could make.

[I L Y I C H]

Of course he hadn't actually been asleep. My paws kept placing themselves as Gavin made himself known. He wasn't sneaking. Wasn't trying to catch me doing anything. Just there. Guilt almost chocked me. I came to a stop shortly, head hanging low. Refusing to look at him or so much as face him. I was a coward but I couldn't do it. I wouldn't look him in the face while knowing that I had come out here to defy his hopes for me. My ears all but glued themselves to the top of my skull. Of course he was the one to follow me out here. So I stood in silence, fighting to ignore the clawing anxiety ripping at my insides. I could get it together. Maybe. So I bit my tongue and turned my head just enough to have my stare fall on the man's pale paws. He had to go and fucking talk, and my stomach dropped even farther.

Chocking out loud around the knot in my throat I turned fully to face Gavin. The little shit always knew what to say. As stupid and ditzy as he acted it didn't make any sense. It never had. But here he was with his god damn accent and his fucking words. My tail pulled closer to my stomach as I turned into the Brit, hiding my face against his chest and going still again. Mostly still. I was shuddering, I realized as my teeth chattered together. I'd tried. I'd tried so hard to ignore it. But I couldn't and here was Gavin all over again. Trying to protect me from myself and all I could do was panic and hide like a child during a storm. I backed away at the thought, avoiding eye contact and keeping my head down.

"You shouldn't be" I all but spat the words, the tone harsh and grating. Vicious. Cutting into myself as they ought to. Why the fuck should he be proud of me? I hadn't done anything, but I had moved away with all intentions to violate what trust I had built with this man. Sitting down abruptly I curved into myself not really knowing what else to do. I didn't want to pressure a reaction out of Gavin. I didn't want to upset anything. Tucking my chin against my chest I settled my stare blankly on the ground in front of black paws. What was I suppose to say anyway? 'I'm sorry I'm too weak for this.'? That would go over splendidly. So what the fuck was I suppose to do?

My body felt wrong. Tight. painful. Anxiety all but clawed at me and it made me physically ill to just sit here. Too much energy and no where to go. I hated night time. It gave me time to think, and that had always been my worst enemy. Words. Memories. Ringing in my ears and setting it all alight. Flames cracking against my stomach. Twisting me into knots. Shaking pathetic little knots. I focused the excess energy on my tongue, chewing on it and the insides of my cheeks until I could taste blood. "I'm sorry" The only thing I could think to say. Not that it mattered much. I'd apologized last time too but here I was, almost to the point of begging him to go away so I could get rid of the hurt the way I had learned how to. I didn't know any other way. Didn't know how to relax or how I was even suppose to go about getting rid of the burning without the bulimia.

I didn't know how to fucking function.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

"You shouldn't be." I used his own statement against him in response to his apology. I was refusing to meet his eyes at this point, staring in the opposite direction, angled down towards the ground. It was true. He had no reason to apologize, he was addicted to a drug and that was all there was to it. The only people I was mad at here are those who abused him enough to make this habit form. I wanted to shred then. Perhaps I wasn't containing my fury well, for I could hear the venom in my tone, and the furs along my spine were standing on end. Michael may misinterpret my fury as me being upset with him. I wasn't. I hated being angry, but this time I couldn't just fight it away. Last time I had lost my temper on him, so it had died because I cared a great deal about him. This time was different, I wanted blood. I wanted to paint the dirt with the remains of his tormentors. I wouldn't dare ask if they were still alive, any of them. I feared he'd answer yes and this anger would stay with me until every last one was dead.

I am not a murderer.

I knew they deserved it, but I had never been angry a full hour in my life. I couldn't be, no matter how hard I tried to hold a grudge. And yet, the very thought of the dogs that had made Michael's life hell drowned me in the vile feeling. I was beginning to understand why Michael resorted to this emotion as his shield--it was far more powerful, a great deal more consuming than my shield of joy. Anger was the master emotion, hate something that could feed you a life-time. I could grow to love it with time, I was sure, but that would do no one any good. I swallowed it down; the red ocean of fury had no place within me.

"Oh bloody hell, Geoff was right." I mumbled it under my breath before turning to face the man. I did not care what his flaws were, this man was beautiful. I could only imagine what he would look like in his proper form. I found myself smile wistfully thinking about it, staring at him warmly. Perhaps I was a bit bipolar (or maybe it was really just ADHD), but my mood made a major shift. It was as if I had forgotten the very reason we were standing here. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, but word vomit is not something that can be controlled, and I never claimed to have a filter. Whatever the reason, my voice came out quiet, but was curved upwards in a faint smile. "You don't even know how attractive you are, do you?"

Bullocks. That just spewed past my lips. My smile still sat dumbly on my jaws and I couldn't get it to go away. My brain flailed but it didn't seem to be able to register a single command. Michael needed me right now and here I was being a selfish prick. Or was it selfish? I didn't know. I didn't know what it was. It just wasn't what I wanted and it wasn't what should have happened. But it did.

And that blasted smile wouldn't just go and hide like I was telling it to.

[I L Y I C H]

Ears flicking back I looked up slowly, focusing on him with a tired stare though I was sure anxiety all but crawled in my eyes. Geoff was right about what? Had they been talking about something? Me? My mind swiftly fell down the rocky cliff face I always seemed to have built up at the edge of my thoughts. Geoff had though I was going to fail hadn't he? Prepared for it. No but of course he had. Geoff wasn't stupid and he didn't expect the world from me. Shit like this didn't get fixed up right away. I tried to convince myself but paranoia ate away at the back of my mind, and it didn't do anything to make the pressure go away. My shoulders haunched in on themselves automatically. Hiding. Further away from the thoughts and emotions. Trying to crush the weight and heat out of my body. It never worked of course but the reaction was automatic. I continued to stare at him, painfully waiting for him to explain himself. There was no reason for what came out of that stupid mouth, though and I went still instantly.

"W-What?" The shock on my face would have been comical if it wasn't on my fucking face. Where had that even come from? Me? Fucking attractive. He had to be joking, but that grin on his face was one of the single dopiest things I had ever witnessed. It wasn't even the least bit shit eating like it would have been if he was teasing me, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat just to repeat myself again like the idiot I was. "What?" Gavin's fucking face had brought up a weak confused smile on my own though and I couldn't make it go away. What the hell was he even talking about? No. I wasn't attractive in any conceivable manor. Least of all one that I would think would be even remotely Gavin's type. I was short for one, my fur bushed up stupidly in the most hectic way physically possible at all times. Two. So many little things that bugged me about my appearance and this little fucker was just sitting here grinning like an idiot.

Glad that I had fur to hide the heat crawling into my cheeks I stuck my stare at his jaw. Fighting to pretend like I wasn't completely lost. It lasted for a moment, the distraction. But I had thought about it and the distraction was gone and I felt my lip curl at the abrupt return of the pressure. Anxiety flickering around behind the abruptness and the embarrassment. The small flickers of hope. "Don't be stupid Gavin" I all but huffed the words, shuffling my paws awkwardly having no other real way to reply to such a thing. He fucking called me attractive. Me. Well he didn't call me shit but the implication was very much there. It was shit, and I didn't know what the fuck to say or even think about it. Distractions. So maybe I liked his stupid smile and the way he laughed. The way he said my fucking name and the rest of his damn accent.

But I mean Gavin was probably just joshing with me. That made the most sense, ignoring his grin. I wasn't going to pay attention to that right now. Especially with me. Looking at myself whenever I was forced to I knew very well that I wasn't 'attractive' at all. Especially now. Fur brittle and stuck up in every direction as it always was. That wasn't as much of an issue back when it was still soft and downy. More annoying sure but less 'that guy got zapped by lightening' at least. Of all the things I had lost over the past six months the texture of my fur was what I missed the most. It was the only bit of my... heritage that I had liked. Yet it was gone for the sake of the other half of me. Because I just couldn't fucking deal with how the rest of me looked. One silly point of pride washed down the toilet and no. Gavin was an idiot and he was obviously playing with me.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Michael's reaction did a number on me. There was the confusion plain in his tone, but his lips had a whisper of a smile, too. I wanted to move closer, but I didn't dare. I was rooted about a leap away, dumb smile consuming all my sharp facial features, ears forward in interest. I noticed how much I liked the way he spoke, the way the As sounded, or sometimes disappeared and reappeared in the wrong spots. I enjoyed the way he could make any statement sound aggressive or cruel. Perhaps it was a weird trait to love, but everything about Michael pleased me. I had never allowed myself to notice before, but suddenly the only part of my brain that was working was the one that thought these things.

I pulled my stare away and dropped it to my feet, smile gone, as I finally regain the control I wish I had had a few moments before. "Stupid, maybe, but that doesn't mean it isn't true." I watched my paw kicked at a rock and my gaze followed its path through the mud to the left of us. My tail had gone from confidently (and perhaps amusingly) high with its slow wag, to draped between my legs in what usually displayed fear or submission to a more dominant creature, but was there simply because of shame now. How long had I known Michael now? I wasn't sure about him, but I felt like I could not recall a time before him. How had I smiled before then? Oh yeah, the masks. That was why that little wistful smile I had just held felt so weird--it was real. There was no forcing it forward for those around me, my brain had shut off and let real emotions have the reigns for once.

I looked back at up with this thought, smile still gone but my gaze was warm. Back to reality here. I moved forward, keeping from touching him, but simply put it so there was a foot or so between us before I sat my white rump back down into the mud in front of him. "Look, Michael, I get it. Really." I was trying to find all the words to say, but none of them had to do with Michael's habit, only with all the things I found wonderful about him. I cursed my brain and told it to shut up, then decided I had to just ignore it instead. Persistent little bugger. "What you do is a drug for you. No one expected the last time to be the end of it. We aren't stupid and we know you're human canine." I stared at him hard for a few moments, almost fatherly. "But you last a heck of a lot longer than any of us would have. I mean that. You don't have to believe me, but you're the strongest man I know. It doesn't matter if you're folami, husky, tiger or rat, what matters is what is in here." I reached out and put a poor where I could feel his beating heart. Maybe I was a cheesy little arse that just wanted to touch him, but it was true. "In there, you are a warrior that no one can beat." I pulled my paw away then and placed it lightly back down into the mud.

Standing, I turned to leave. If his stomach was upset and he needed to throw up, I would not stop him. Not this time. Not when he had done so well. He deserved to have his mortal moments.

I loved him enough to trust him with that.

OOC//: You can powerplay Gav actually leaving and Michael catching up afterwards (because Gav would most likely just lay back down at the edge of their 'camp' and wait), or you could powerplay stopping him, or whatever.

[I L Y I C H]

I followed the pebble with my own eyes as well, both of us hiding away in it's clattering across the ground. Easier to pretend things were different that way. That this stupid little flirting nonsense was something else. That we were all but consumed in each other internally for a wholly different reason, and oh. Oh no. Geoff was right. Realization pricked and I was once again thankful he would have to be touching me to feel the heat burning against my skin. Gavin was defending his right to call me attractive, which made no sense at all to me but he kept fucking doing it. It made my chest tighten, though it wasn't the pressure from before. It was warm, and it didn't make any sense either. Like some stupid temperature difference took away all the bad feelings from the squeeze in my chest. Made it wholly different.

I mean, Gavin moved forward and I looked up hoping for contact. He didn't touch me though, and I pretended that didn't upset me in some small degree. Trying to tell myself I was just seeking comfort I looked him in the face for a change not really able to look away as my mind went on it's frantic little hamster wheel run. Ears flicked backwards at the larger man's reassurances. Words didn't mean shit, and I tried to force up the wall I normally had but it didn't work. These weren't just words there were actions and emotions behind them that burned everything I tried to piece up like acid. I opened my mouth after his first sentence, not able to keep quiet. I didn't want it to be a drug. Didn't want it to be forgivable. I'd almost prefer him to be yelling at me right now. The gentleness in his approach was too much. Too consuming.

"It should be. I shouldn't be sneaking out here." Behind your back. Trying to hide because I knew it was wrong. Knew it hurt them. Couldn't stop it thought. Because I was a weak mess and I couldn't break myself from a level of body dysphoria that had almost destroyed me. Shoulders hunched guiltily, but I still focused on his words eyes jumping slightly to avoid his green stare. God that was fucking corny, but it settled in my head. The pressure was back, the good kind as if that made any sense, and went still under Gavin's paw. He was wrong, but I didn't say it. I couldn't help but lean desperately into those words that he spoke so fucking fluently. The Brit's voice alone was a distraction, his words were just an added bonus. A comfort that though I didn't really quiet believe I appreciated none the less. I might be a warrior but I half killed myself on a near daily basis. Or I had. Tried to do again.

My stomach had settled, I realized abruptly. It was probably too late for the binging to work anyway. Too far digested. no point. I closed my eyes as he turned to leave me alone, presumably to allow me my weakness. Focusing on that. Forcing up bile was useless. Gritting my teeth I strode after Gavin, pretending that I didn't stumble from the rapidness of the original motion. I didn't want to be out here by myself. I wanted to be beside the pallid dog. It was safe there for some unforeseeable reason. Oh right completely unforeseeable. I wasn't falling head over heels for that stupid british monkey at all. Carefully drawing up to his side I made a conceded effort to not press up against him. Gavin didn't like that. I'd noticed it originally that first night. It scared him, how boney I was. So I would keep my distance.