Face It [aw]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I couldn’t do this, but I had to. I had to face my demons. I should have a long time ago. I should have turned around right after I killed that cougar and confronted what I had done, instead of running from it. In a lapse of judgment I had killed someone innocent, and I should have admitted to that injustice as soon as I acknowledged it to myself. Instead I had spent months trying to justify it. The cougar was part of an evil pride. That was proven false by both Noelle and Sherlock. I had a momentary break of insanity. Sure, I could go with that...but that still did account for why I had not gone to ask forgiveness as soon as sanity came flooding back. I had no excuse, and I was done making them up. I had decided I was done a month ago. Sherlock forgave me, and that was all that really mattered.

Ah, but a month ago duty called me away from my missions.

I could not up and leave Zonta without warning, so I had let my beloved amble back to his home-base, and I to mine. I planned to take a couple days, a week at most, to get my affairs in order and my story straight. Then he turned up dead, the poor naive child. Simba had been too young to die, and in such a brutal fashion. He was murdered in cold blood. A cat willing to be used and abused by those around him because he loved them, yet brave enough to give his own blood in their defense, had lost his life. He had never picked a fight with anyone, he had always been the peace maker. It was him, I heard that had kept Alphonse from getting himself and his pride mates murdered when bringing an Ende cub back to her camp. My former alpha had planned to turn and kill the cub as soon as she led her adoptive father, who just so happened to be Alphonse’s half-brother and enemy, to him. He wanted to see his brother die and had put his pridemates in harms way to do it. Simba had stepped forward and put a stop to the battle before anyone could get hurt. It ended with only Alphonse’s pride injured. To think such a good man could be murdered.

It had shocked the camp, even Alphonse had mourned. Simba was one of the bubbly ones that everyone loved. Even if he was dull-witted and sometimes overly boyish, no one could deny his heart of gold. If Sherlock had been with me, I would have teamed up with him to find the culprit like we had done for our Murder Ape. But he had been on Ende, waiting for me no doubt, and I had to keep the brute waiting. As much as I loved the man, I knew Zonta needed me more than he did at the moment. So I had put off my going to join Ende for a month to try and clean up the mess left behind by the sudden death.

But I was here now. My paws were ladened from walking many miles in this muck, beside me a river roared past. The earth beneath me crumbled away into the greedy fingers of the water, forcing me to recede more inland. My eyes were narrowed against the rain, ears forward in a vain attempt to hear voices through the roar and splattered of water around me. My nose was rendered useless, the skies tears cleansing away scents as soon as they formed. I could only hope that Sherlock would be the first to find me, or that he had spread the word of my coming. I feared what sort of games would be played if I got dismissed as a trespasser in Ende if Sherlock was not there to defend me from his family.

As if on que a weight hitting my ribs sent me spiraling on my side through the mud towards the cliff edge.

Covered in mud, I opened my eyes to meet the green gaze of a female leopard. The cougar’s leopard. I debated whether to climb to my feet and accept the obvious challenge in her eyes, or to play it safe and stay down, submitting to the stronger beast. Against my better judgment, I chose to keep my dignity. I climbed wearily to my paws and went to move away from the river’s ledge. This in itself was surely a challenge to her. I would make no move to fight her, I would only defend, but I was defying her by making confident strides from what she had clearly decided would be her way to extract her revenge against me.

With a low growl of warning, the woman pounced at me again. This was a much different being than when I had last seen her. From simple tools of observation, I had seen she was clearly submissive by nature, degrading herself solely for the benefit of others. She had lacked any confidence, something I had been able to read in her sitting posture and the way she held her eyes to the ground, yet ears perked ready for an order. Here before me, however, stood a very confident woman. A very angry woman, too. Had I been the cause of this transformation? Had my stealing of her innocence created a monster? I blinked once before she made her contact, guilt sitting heavy in my gut. I made no move to dodge her.

My back paws slipped over the edge.

I could hear the river roaring for the sacrifice below me, and my eyes stared upwards at the leopardess’ face that was held so close to mine. The earth did not fall away beneath my front paws, for the woman was holding them, keeping me from finishing my deadly fall. Though I tried to hide away the emotion, I knew my eyes were pleading for mercy. A mercy I had denied her friend, her lover. Why should she give me what I myself did not give?

“You stole everything from me.” Her voice was feminine as it slipped into my ear as a whisper. She was a soft spoken leopardess, clearly, but that did not keep her tone from holding thick venom. “Surprised that I managed to sneak up on you?” Her tone was different here, a hint of pleading leaking in, though I assumed she probably had not meant it to. She wanted acceptance, approval--she needed to be told she had done something well. Would complimenting her let her guard down enough so that I could weasel my way out of this?

“You sure did take me by surprise, Orenda! I did not stand a chance--and I am a soldier! Ende is very fortunate to have you in their ranks.” My voice was stern, fatherly even, as I gave the encouraging words. I could see a flash of uncertainty break into her green eyes, confusion as if she no longer knew what she was doing. And then there was only anger.

“Liar! Everyone thinks I am weak, and maybe I am.” The uncertainty rooted a second time, but was pushed aside by anger just as quickly. “No, I will show them! I will get my revenge and make Fuhrur proud of me! I will make myself worthy of my pride.” Her voice had risen in determination, but it was quiet once more as she leaned into my ear, breath hot against my drenched skin. “I will make Shenandoah proud of me.” Her grip loosened on me as she prepared to leap backwards and let the fragile earth break under my dangling weight. I felt it give, my body slipping towards the river. With a final intake of breath I met her green eyes as she turned away to leave me to fall--it was going to happen regardless of what I did not. The earth was soft from the rain, the river overindulged itself in water. I could try and pull myself up, but that would only make the broken earth fall away faster.

“Tell Sherlock I love him.” I called it after her, fear absent from my tone, only conviction there. I had told him once already, but it seemed fitting that my last words would be saying it again. I was not angry at this leopardess. I had thought Sherlock was dead, so I had killed an innocent child. At she was attacking the true culprit in the situation, not just punishing someone for being part of the group responsible like I had done. She was justified.

Nothing would ever justify what I had done. With that final thought, I watched Orenda turn in face me, eyes cold and empty, hungry to watch me fall. It was then I was in open air, the earth having crumbled beneath my front paws, and there being no solid substance to dig my back paws into. I was falling. I didn't like this feeling of having no control.

OOC//; Whomever comes in to save the day (becase John must be saved...even if I have to play a miracle and make him be able to survive the river, I give you powerplaying abilities over John during the actual rescue.

[I L Y I C H]

She'd had her fun, and the time for it was over. Revenge was a truth, of that I knew, but it did not mean I was quiet so willing to loose a soldier promised to my pride. Black ears curved forwards, I trotted out of the gloom all but glowing against the backdrop. Phantom like. It almost made me giggle. Such a silly notion phantoms, though how grand it would be to fly. Shaddy would have died soon anyway, as much as it pained me to think it. She had been the only thing left of my dear Anberlin after all and I would miss them both but it was a fact. Life was full of nasty facts. Ugly things. Boring. But one must learn to live with such stupid fancies as 'facts'. They didn't exactly just poof away at my own annoyance.

That aside I was rather sure we would never see Orenda again if she succeeded in her venture if the black beast moving at my back was of any indication. He came like a shadow, as if knowing what occurred was some form of telepathy within him. It wouldn't really be much of a surprise. Some sort of space age shit or something. Whatever the fuck was going on in Sherlock's head he was all but seething in fury. A grin cracked across my maw, curving upwards. Finding this over emotional bastard hovering at the edge in the rain had been far too interesting a development. Oooo but that was not the issue at hand. The furious rumbling in the jaguar's chest was. And the fact that Orenda had turned to walk away had the idiot's claws out and head up.

Lifting one heavy paw I waved it at him. "Go rescue please Sheeeer-lock." His head jerked towards me for half a second, blue eyes hard as flint and just as cold before he took my advice and hurried forward. Not that one could blame him. Revenge. Vengeance. It was a little known fact that we here did so love them. Ah. No that was backwards. Settling back on my haunches as I smiled keenly at the retreating leopardess. "Come 'ere dear." It almost echoed. Funny. Though I assumed it was most likely in my own head. No one else seemed to hear half the shit that I did, but then. I was the privileged one. Sherlock had drug his little bundle back up over the edge and was currently refusing to put him down. Poor John had he known what he was getting himself into proposing the word love to a deprived person?

Ah! I'd been distracted again. Always so many shiny things. Little pretty things and- oh. I'd forgotten to tell Noe and the children that I was leaving. Oh my. I do hope she won't be to upset with me. The loud grumbling snarl building up behind me pulled me back out of my drifting mind and turned my slight frown in the ebony soldier's direction. He still hadn't released his little doctor from his grip and was currently looking prepared to rain all hell down. Again space alien shit it was totally possible. Probably best to save Orenda's butt before something super suspicious or deeply disturbed occurred. "Baby you know we don't do these things to family." To family being my favorite part of that statement. A part of me wanted to tisk my tongue at her but maybe teasing wasn't the best thing for this ah current situation. "I miss my Shady and her mumsy too but we can't just go tossing our doctor over a cliff now can we?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I was working really hard not to let my emotions get the best of me. I allowed myself to go limp as a familiar scent approached and saved the day. I was safe in his jaws, I knew, but my muscles were still tense in a mixture of fear and guilt. Life had just been given real meaning a month ago, when I learned that Sherlock loved me. I was not ready to die. But the guilt made me know I was worthy of it. A small little illogical voice in the back of my soul beckoned death. I hungered for it. I was worried that once the euphoria of Sherlock wore off I may allow that guilty need to consume me, however little sense it made. I was a man of emotion, I would leave the logic to Sherlock.

The man I had been told was a white demon by Alphonse was also here. I could hear him beckon forward the leopardess. I pushed my way further into a state of reserve, demanding the childish security of the large jaguar while I hid away in the unconscious section of my brain. I was normally so well maintained, I knew the closed eyes and seemingly unaware form may come as a surprise to anyone who could see my face. I had almost died before, but this was different. It had never been personal, just caught in the fire and explosions going on around me. I had never had someone want me dead. I didn’t take that well. Perhaps if it was because of differing views I would be amused by the exaggerated reaction, but this was not exaggerated. It would not wear down with time. I would always be hated, and I was the cause. My heart was beating a mile a minute with the knowledge of knowing I would always have to keep a ear in every direction.

I heard the heavy footfalls of Orenda answering Symphony’s call by going towards him. With Symphony’s words I felt no releasing of tension in the air. The leopardess, I imagined, was giving him a hard look, one that had hurt and anger and confliction flooding through together. “He will never be my family. Him and his mate. I am so sorry, Fuhrer.” There was a deep sorrow there, a true regret. She felt she was failing her leader and this seemed to hurt her as much as losing Shenandoah had. Almost. The loss must have been a little harder on her if she chose that matter over respecting her Fuhrer’s words. I listened as her pawsteps faded, their splashing leading off farther into the terrain, leaving.

I pulled myself back to the present, knowing I could not stay secure in Sherlock's grasp like a terrified infant forever. I washed away the anxiety and replaced it only by solemn sternness. I squirmed weakly, asking the man in silence to release me. I needed to speak to the Fuhrer. I needed to apologize. I needed to offer that I leave. I needed to do so many things--I just hoped I would be able to keep up this soldier facade while I did so. I needed to appear unphased. I should be able to do that--I had done it before. It was my ability to recede that had kept me from having a severe case of PTSD. I had night terrors, but I was able to remain in control in the waking world. I had to continue that.

“Fuhrer,” I knew their germanic customs. I had done some research on the pride. I would not come uneducated. Now if only Sherlock would trust me to stand on my own two feet again.

Even though, if it were up to me, I would stay in his hold forever.

[I L Y I C H]

"No sorries accepted here silly" I all but cooed the words, head tilting sympathetically to the side. "We get it darling" Electric blue eyes cast backwards, watching with some amusement as the violent rumbling coming from Sherlock ignored my words entirely. I watched her soundlessly as she left, ears flicking about at the sound of water caught under paw. A nasty sound really. Far too echoy. Grimacing at the idea I turned back around, smile reforming in response to the entirely unhappy look on my resident genius' face. "Oh hush you. I can all but here you thinking and I don't need anymore of them pesky little voices buzz buzz buzzing in my ears." My tail curled as I waved it at him teasingly. Sherlock narrowed his yes at me before with a low huff he put his little John down as he attempted to speak to me.

Ah here was another one for soldierly principals and titles. The corner of my eyes crinkled drawing stripes in with the laugh lines in my skin. "oooo" The long drawn out note hung off my lips as I looked down at the heavily spotted margay, my grin curving into a more manageable and far more genuine smile. "naw my name is Symphony. Most of the little shits around here call me Sym." Fuhrer was a term of pride. Used in political situations and battle situations. Not something my soldiers, my family, really used on a daily basis anymore. A term given to me by Annora and Anberlin upon our greetings and formations. The original title. The german word that Annora so loved to lick off her teeth.
I suppose our entire ranking system was like that. No one really referred to it unless in public and then they only did it to sound clever.

"And youuuu are John Watson." My smile broke further out, white lips curving almost into themselves with the force of it all. Oh it was too simple for the nice to meet you's and simple courtesies. I had to go find Orenda too and stare at her until she accepted my apology. "Welcome and all that. Blah blah blah." I drawled out the words weaving past them with a flippant tail flick. Ambling away after Orenda I called out behind me voice creaking as it reached a higher octave then was probably necessary. "I look forward to chatting with ya!" I hard Sherlock huff behind me, knowing him to have moved back to pressing up against the much smaller cat.

"Come on John. Noelle was asking about you last night." My smile grew far flung. Noe would like that. She couldn't really go anywhere with the three cubs growing larger and more curious as the days went by. She would appreciate getting to meet everyone. The silly liger had all but demanded that everyone come say hi so she could get names and faces. It was all rather adorable. Her wanting to get to know her new family, or in John's case I supposed her old family.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I stared rigidly after the alpha, not being allowed a word in. I suppose it was for the best--I really didn't have much to say to him. Formalities and the like, but this man seemed all too keen to steal away after my assassin, perhaps knowing how uncomfortably being denied some sense of order would make me. I watched his white melt into the black before turning a gaze towards the obviously agitated Sherlock. I had felt the man's vibrating growl continuing the entire time. I was pleased and comforted by it, in a sense. Then again, though, I did not want Sherlock involved in something that was my own doing. He would react in defense of me and it would not be justified. Though, I suppose if I wasn't so in love with this man I would have been upset with him. His lie had been what pushed me over the edge enough to murder.

But I cannot point fingers. My actions are my own.

"He is a..." I thought silently for a moment, listening to the rain, as I searched for a proper term, "unique fellow, your Commander." I dared not say my next thought, claiming he was a much better man than Alphonse. It wouldn't be true. Alphonse was a fine man in his own right. He had been traumatized and shit on his entire life, building him up to be the unstable boy he is now. I did not blame him. Though he could have allowed himself to learn from his experiences, it was only normal he would let them break him. Not everyone could be strong enough to overcome unscathed.

Not that any of that mattered now. I was skeptical of how much I would like it here. I had my Sherlock, of course. Noelle would be another familiar face. But Symphony was informal, while Alphonse relished in my ways. He would always love when I called him Alpha, as if the very term made him worthy of it. He pleasured in the fact that no matter what he did, I would not question, and I would remain loyal. It was who I was. Though, I guess I was evolving. I had willingly up and left him for my own affairs. He had been in a mild state of shock when I told him I was leaving. I had refrained from telling him where I was going, knowing that would be too much for him.

I prepared to follow the man to Noelle, curiosity hovering around me. Last I had seen Noelle she had just given birth and was in shock from her brother's actions. It would be nice to see her in a good place again, somewhere safe. I half wondered how her and Ahote's relationship was coming, and if her and Symphony were an actual pair now. I forbid myself to dwell on such things, though, not wanting to be disappointed if neither relationship was as good as my paternal instinct desired. "Yes, yes, I would love to see the progress of the children." I paused a moment, leaning into the man, letting a tight solemn consume me. "How is she? I mean, last I saw her, she had had a bit of a shock."

I would always be the one with unhealthy emotional attachments to every situation. Though my loyalty had remained with Alphonse, I would never forgive him for what he had allowed himself to do to dear Noelle.