Dry House Wet Clothes [bhu]

[I L Y I C H]

It reeked of blood. I couldn't figure out where it was coming from but I could smell it. All but feel it sinking into my pores. Paws heavy and chest heaving I turned sharply about face, trying to yell but not being able to get anything else out of my straining throat. I'd already screamed myself hoarse. No one answered. Nothing moved. I couldn't see or hear anything but the trees and grass around me. but I could smell it. Pressing into me. Everything stank of blood. Death. but nothing fucking stirred and no one was there and dear Skoll where were they. It was so quiet. So very quiet and somewhere in my mind I knew what was going on but I couldn't focus. Couldn't make it stop. Memories cutting into my sanity as I rushed violently forward. Mom had been quiet too. So very quiet. The silence was wrong and I hadn't understood. Hadn't understood until I'd listened and realized why the silence was so thick. It was absolute. Not even a breath of air came from those battered lungs.

I woke with a start, sucking down a scream that I could feel racing up my throat. Breath heaving out of me I sat up wildly, well aware that I had probably been kicking out in my sleep. Pitch blackness met my eyes, the moon waxed into nothing leaving the stars the only thing I could see by. Fighting down the panic I looked around rapidly. Everyone was out cold, even Geoff wasn't being plagued by anything. The silence was split by huffs of air and the gentle snoring belting out of our leader. Still breathing hard I sat up carefully. I was trembling I realized abruptly. Shaking like a child that was regretting going to sleep after watching a horror movie. Fucking pathetic. Shaking my head slowly I gave into the pressure and stood, turning in a tight circle. Panic still bit at me, but it was a far more normal panic. Simple fear. Terror really. Not that the difference mattered much. Cutting my eyes down to Gavin I swallowed down the air and slowly calmed my heaving lungs enough to force myself to sit back down.

Careful not to touch the larger man I dropped back to my stomach. The shaking hadn't stopped but it would eventually. It always did. Nightmares were a thing Geoff and I shared after all. Though he normally got himself funder control faster. We were both very god at keeping quiet at this point. I could clearly remember the times our eyes met in the dark. Both of us pretending nothing was wrong when things obviously were. Not that it mattered. Everyone was asleep. Breathing. The smell was gone. Fighting to relax the tenseness in my muscles I set my jaw on shaking paws.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

They weren’t nightmares. I never considered them nightmares. Just...facts. I didn’t feel the tightening feeling in my gut that was associated with fear. I knew I wasn’t there. My dreams were usually lucid, so I could do as I pleased. Despite this power, I just let my brain do its own thing. I would rather it make its attempts to torment me while I slept instead of while I was awake--at least then I was shielded by the darkness of night. During the day my twitching facial expressions at the flashbacks of losing my family and self respect would be my betrayal. I was the happy one, Ray and I were the optimistic therapists. I couldn’t even recall if I had ever told Geoff I was just a fake, a boy with masks and I clever tongue. Why should I? That would defeat the whole purpose of them, to make other people feel a little less sad.

I jolted awake as a light pressure rubbed across my skin. The great thing about lucid dreams, other than the fact that you knew it couldn’t hurt you, was that you remain very much aware of what goes on around you. I was a watch dog every night and no one knew. I remember not too long ago a yearling lion had been creeping around us in the cover of the brush. I had been asleep, yet very much aware of him. I still didn’t know his intentions, but I spooked him and he ran off full speed the moment I climbed steadily to my paws. I had heard his paw break softly past the sheltering brush, entering the clearing where we had slept. Somehow, lucid dreams still managed to leave me well rested, too, despite the fact that I was very much awake during them. I shrugged away all my little observations, opening my eyes, reminding myself why I had forced myself away from the petty little attempts at night terrors.

By now, Michael had stopped his kicking and was awake beside me. I felt his eyes grace over my skull before he laid back down beside me. My stomach churned--I knew he had nightmares. I had woken on several occasions to him moving around in his sleep a little too rigidly. I could put the pieces together. Not everyone was as fortunate as I was. I was more a child than anyone, but my imagination was surprisingly dull. Even in the dream world my brain was too lazy to do any real work. So it just popped in a home movie, demanded I watch it, and sat back to enjoy the little uncomfortable twitches I made as the only display of my real anguish of watching my family murdered over and over again. Then hearing the too low tone, my brain warping it slightly to be a little more venomous than it had actually been., of the ocelot telling me I was a monster and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

I hesitated before moving, contemplating how worth it it would really be. I loved contact, but every time I pushed up against Michael I was reminded by his bristly fur and too-sharp bones that he was not well. I chewed the inside of my cheek before tossing aside any reservations. I loved this man and I needed to stop being so selfish about it all the time. I weaseled my way closer, pushing my side against his and twisting my head around to rest cheek by cheek. The man was shaking and I knew it was not from cold. My heart dropped. For once I wished my dreams were nightmares rather than purely memories. At least then I would know what it feels like to have the truth exaggerated to the point where it was terrifying even after you know it is over. I could offer no empathy, and he would not want sympathy. But maybe I could provide some relief.

I shifted once more to angle my face slightly towards him, head on my paws and green gaze searching for his. “Do you want to go for a walk, my little Mi-cool?” There was no tease in my tone like when I normally called him such things, but it was still light, and it was clear I was trying to sound calm and reassuring.

[I L Y I C H]

I jumped slightly at his contact, having expected him to be asleep. Dammit Gavin. He was always awake right when I didn't want him to be. I didn't want to look weak, yet here I was all but shaking apart next to him. Against him. Gavin had his cheek pressed up against mine and as much as I normally would have argued against the touch I ignored it. Best I could do. As much as I wanted to lean into him I wouldn't do it. I knew how much touching me bothered the other folami. He didn't like to feel the proof of my troubles and I didn't blame him. It wasn't exactly a nice feeling. Gavin on the other hand was solid and warm and the sleekness of his fur was comforting. I wanted to touch him, but the texture of my own body was repellant and I was well aware of that. So I would keep the want to myself and ignore it as best I could.

Not that I couldn't enjoy it while it lasted. My shaking slowly subsided against the shared body heat and I relaxed carefully against the larger man. Walk? No I didn't want to go for a walk. I wanted to lay right her tucked up into Gavin's side. I was comfortable and though I would never admit it aloud I felt safe here. But my legs were antsy and now that I was awake it was highly doubtful that I would be getting back to sleep anytime soon, if I did so at all. So I pulled myself away from stupid fantasies and reminded myself that Gavin had denied Geoff. We were friends and the stupid crush I had developed wasn't anything more then that. A stupid crush. Not that even I believed that for a second.

I owed him too much. Felt too safe in his presence. He'd guarded me from Bidziil. From the past. Maybe it was just Gavin's need to fix everything but he was helping me and I couldn't help but fall desperately into trying to attach myself to him. "Yeah" I huffed, voice low and blatantly ignoring his stupid attempt at teasing. I stood up slowly, not wanting to remove myself from the warmth but knowing I had to. "I can go by myself you don't have to come" I snorted the words, knowing he wouldn't allow himself to be left behind but giving him an out anyway.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

“Has that ever worked?” Standing, I pounded my nose against his cheek playfully. “Do I ever let you go anywhere? Face it, you’re stuck with me.” I let my eyebrows arch playfully as I stretched, mouth opening in a yawn. “And admit it, you wouldn’t have it any other way.” I towered slightly over the man, but I had my head low to be eye level with him. A few hints of the unease and frustration Bidziil had brought still remained in my gaze, but I was able to let myself forget it for now. It did not matter what Geoff, Michael, or anyone else said, I would not rest until that man knew what it felt like to be persecuted against. I wanted to eat away at his brain and emotions like he had allowed his daughter to do to Michael. I wanted to want him fall away from reality, to wipe the arrogance from his face. He hadn’t changed. People don’t change. They bury who they are deep down within and become what those around them want them to be. Bidziil was still a monster. I would prove it.

Blinking away sleep and negativity, I connected my gaze to Michael’s as best as he’d allow. I let my tail go through the motions of a slow wag, honestly content to just be with the man. I flicked my ears towards the distant sound of the waves meeting the shore, then let my paws start in that direction. I loved the ocean, the power of the angry waters. It reminded me that I was small, kept me in perspective, kept me from forgetting I was insignificant. I enjoyed being small, it made me feel safe. I didn’t want to be the world, I just wanted to have my life. Sometimes folami tend to forget that there is something larger than them out there. I hated when the egotistical thoughts crossed my mind--the ocean knew how to talk me down. To make me remember that I don’t need to carry the world on my shoulders. That I needed to focus on what mattered to me.

And ever since the husky-boy had joined the Achievement Hunters, I had finally had specifics for the ocean to direct me towards.

“Care to walk the shore-line with me? I see stars, so the waves should be gentle, rather than its normal barmy self.” It wasn’t raining, it was actually a rather clear evening. Humid, perhaps, but at this point anything was better than actual rain. I could imagine the waves lazily making their way up the banks, only to slowly recede, rather than the greedy crashes that so frequently roared from that direction in recent times.

I knew my home was across the ocean--I was not stupid. I had been raised in a world very different than here, and perhaps this was what had initially dragged me to the ocean’s edge so often that I had come to love it. I would stare across the vast expanse and imagine how different life would have been if I had remained in England. I would smile at the rippling blue, knowing with all my heart one thing.

I was happy my fate lead me to America--lead me to my little Mi-cool.

[I L Y I C H]

"Guess not" My tone was still low, cast to avoid drawing attention to us. Geoff wouldn't be happy with us just wandering off in the night, he never was. Best to keep quiet. "Your a fucking leach, you know?" Snorting I followed after him, waving my tail lightly in time with my steps. The sky was clear for once, free of the thunder clouds so often represented across the indigo frontier. Crawled right out of the ocean. A British leach. The idea was pretty pathetic. Humidity pulled at my fur as I followed after the pallid man, twisting the brittle strands into something curlier then was entirely necessary. Reason number one why I preferred the rain. I didn't get cold like Ray did. My fur was two layers thick and smooth enough to let the water slip out of it easily enough. This fluffier then thou bullshit was infuriating and I was certain it made me look like some stupid poodle at this point. I was frowning by the time we'd so much as moved past the out lying border of the office.

Mostly because I'd focused in on how unhealthy my pelt was and in that remembered the reason behind the nightmares. Guilt. Tongue going across my teeth automatically I hooked my orange stare into the back of Gavin's taller head. I'd lost it a good couple of days ago. I'd been doing so well too, and I couldn't even fucking remember what had set me off. No one had been around at least I hadn't thought anyone had been. Dear Skoll it had felt wonderful. Almost nostalgic in its comfort despite it only having been a couple of weeks. Satisfying in a horribly numb sort of way. Disgust pooled into my gut as I walked, claws allowed to click against the under growth now that we were safely away from Geoff and Ray's sonar-level ears. And I'd enjoyed it. Of course I had. A drug, isn't that what he'd said? It was my drug. My heroin. "Hey Gav?" My voice was low, and I hadn't even noticed myself making the words until they were out in the open.

Fucking hell.

It was nice to know that my mind would just go right ahead and start blathering. Desperate for reassurances. I frowned harder against the idea. Fuck it. I'd already started harping so why not go right ahead. I'd retched and starved myself not three days before. He had ever right to know. I'd promised myself I would tell him when I needed him. Fucking promises. Because I did fucking need him. The idea just made my head hurt. Needing people was the equivalent of getting them hurt in my book and I was beyond even considering Gavin getting hurt because of me. Not that he needed me to protect his fat ass. The guy wasn't exactly small, but that childish whisper still coursed through me at the most inappropriate of times. Mom had been big and strong too. So I looked at my paws and kept walking finally speaking up again when I managed to shut that stupid voice up and drag my courage back up.

"You don't hate me do you?" Oh shit that sounded childish. So much for getting rid of that voice. "I mean- fuck. Thats not what I meant." Narrowing my stare and refusing to look up I placed my tongue between my teeth and started to chew. Thinking. What was the right way to phrase this. I knew Gavin didn't hate me. Even I knew that. Who would pretend to be friends with someone for this long? That aside there was real compassion in the way the dog moved around me and as painfully awkward as that was for me at times I did appreciate it. Gavin didn't hate me, at least not all of me. "Ah fuck. Never mind man." There it went that little bit of courage wilting off and I tucked right back into my stupid macho man exterior, just shrugging it off like it was nothing. Looking back up I offered him a half snarky smile, hoping he would let me get away with it but knowing he wouldn't. At least we would get to the water within the next half hour. It wouldn't take too long if we lapsed into awkward painful silence.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My grin grew tenfold as I was called a leech. Perhaps the words from any other tongue would have forced me into a self-conscious 'pretend I am happy when inside I am really hyperventilating' mindset, but from Michael it just made my heart swell in much too great a pleasure. His insults, when in their playful or affectionately angry tones, were my own heroin. They would leave me in a slightly euphoric state of mind where I would push the limits to try and get some more. My body tingled with the pleasure of it as we left the camp in silence, nose drinking in the distant scent of salt and heading towards it. My two favorite things in the world would be by me in no more than 30minutes--the sea, and the dog that the sea told me to run to.

My pace slowed as soon as my name ran past his lips. The mock annoyance was gone, replaced by a low tone that made my chest tightened. I said nothing in response, just match my pace to walk shoulder to shoulder with this man that had become my everything. I knew how his brain worked--there was a war going on and if I spoke, I would make the wrong team lose. The question that ran by his tongue, however, did not warrant an answer. Even before he moved to correct himself I knew that had not been what he was going for. Even someone as self-conscious as Michael could see I did not hate him--anything but, really. I held my tongue and merely walked as I waited for the proper question to come out.

The air changed and I could feel his courage waver and finally die out as he verbally pushed away his own concerns. I bit down on my tongue for a moment, contemplating how to approach what was on my own mind. I could guess where he had been going before he gave up. "I already know, Michael. Doesn't mean a thing." My tone was warm, but low as I admitted to already being aware he had given into his temptations a few days prior. I had felt the change in him, but I would not go forth and attack him over it. What good would that do? Besides, I had already told him we all deserve a cheat day. We can't all be perfect and break addictions cold turkey. I brushed my tail against his as I pushed aside my discomfort and moved to walk side to side with him, fur brushing, shoulder bone to shoulder bone (well, as close as size allowed). I didn't stop walking, merely looked forward in hopes he would not pull away from the light touch I was now giving between us. My heart beat a little faster but I held my tongue and continued on. I had a secret, too, afterall. The pack new, Geoff had said it himself. I was ready to admit it now...Ready to put my heart on a platter. I stopped slowly, letting the steps fade out until I no longer moved forward. My hope was Michael would have continued to match his pace to mine, thus stopped when I stopped.

"No matter what you do, you're still my little Mi-cool." I didn't know how to say the words, so I took my pet name and pushed a deeper intention behind it. I turned my head to the man and silently pleaded he meet my eyes and read the meaning behind the words. I had never said the three worded statement with any seriousness, so it caught in my throat as I tried to push it out now. But Michael knew me. The pet name was different this time.

This time 'my little Michael' was the coward's way of saying 'I bloody love you, you beautiful little knob'.

[I L Y I C H]

Eyes darting up I nodded shortly. I figured. He always knew. Fucking spidey senses or some shit. Except they were, for some reason, focused in on my stomach. It meant something to me. The guilt flickered unwaveringly under my skin. Heroin fucking sucked. "Still feel guilty as fuck about it" The words were barely muttered, cast out across the ground like cold stones. It was true after all. They knew, or at least three of them did. My family knew and they were trying to help me, but here was pathetic little Michael unable to fucking build himself up again. It was weak and pathetic. The real question bubbled at my lips but I wasn't in the mood to ask him any more stupid questions. Didn't want him to voice anything behind the query of 'do you think i'm disgusting?' because I knew what he would say but I didn't quite believe it to be the truth. I knew full well what I did was disgusting. Use to do. Fuck.

The feeling of his body bumping up next to mine forced me out of my thoughts and my head swung up slightly, the forced smile dying into a frown. I took a step to the side automatically, not wanting to do it but knowing full well that I had to anyway. Gavin hated the way I felt, I knew that much. With every time he had shied away from me because of it. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable just because he wanted to reassure me. There wasn't a point. His voice was enough to calm me down in most situations. That damn accent sounded like music half the time anyway. "You don't have to do that if it makes you uncomfortable." I haunched my shoulders slightly, paws landing quietly against the dirt. Gavin wasn't the one at fault here, I knew he was just trying to help as per usual. I however also knew that my ribs were still very obvious and the sharpness of my shoulders couldn't go unnoticed under any form of touch. It made him shy away every other time.

But he was slowing and even if I had put a couple of inches in between us I could sense that much despite not looking at him. Orange eyes turned to him after a moment, staring back into the green. Confused. Ears slopping backwards I shuffled my paws and looked away. Heat burned at my ears and oh yeah. I knew what he was saying. I could feel it in the way his eyes burned into me. I just didn't understand. Gavin was my boy. He helped me every time I needed it and didn't judge me for it eve for some unknown fucking reason. I loved him too of course I did. He was something I'd never thought I would ever earn from anyone. But I didn't want him to waste this on me. Why would he... why would he love me back? Me? It didn't make any sense, but I was selfish and Skoll knew my heart was all but seizing in response to that stare. Of course. Neither of us knew how to say it. Not seriously. It had always been a game and now it wasn't. Chest feeling too tight I huffed at him and all but growled the words in the only way I could figure out how. "You're an idiot Gavin."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

OOC//: Gonna try making Gav more in character with his real self--internal mess, outward...whatever

He did pull away, and though I knew he was doing it for me, I couldn't help the self-conscious pain that jerked at my heart. Michael wasn't the only one with a poor self-image, I just hid behind an expression of glee rather than the way he did. I knew I weighted too much for my build. I knew my pelt should be white rather than the grainy hint of earthen color that took it over. My eyes were too green, my ears were too big. I wasn't fluffy, but I wasn't smooth either. My legs were too long and I wasn't that strong. My snout extended out too far, and my teeth were tinted an off white, rather than pink or purely (pink for a killer, purely for people like us). I was not an acceptable looking dog. I was nothing anyone would second glance at when I walked by. I was no one. I was okay with being no one to most everyone, but to Michael I wanted to be that someone. If he pulled away because of my actions since I had first touched him, then I am a monster, and that hurt. If he did it because he did not want to touch me, then I am a no one to everyone and that hurt, too.

Skoll damnit, I just hurt.

His words confirmed that he was doing it for me and the self-hate ran over even into my eyes. The smile fell and my ears sat back as my head and tail lowered ever so slightly. I wanted to tell him I was past that, that it was foolish of me. I wanted to explain that it was own lack of self-worth that often made me shrug away. Yes, I did not like being reminded that Michael was ill, but that was only one small piece. I hated that I couldn't help him more, and that was another even bigger piece. But it was largely because I felt I didn't deserve that touch. Michael should be close to someone better than me. Yeah, I hid behind my mock confidence with the smiles, games, and careless words, but in reality I knew I was nothing special. In fact, I thought I was far from even being the average level of anything.

I am a monster. I was born to be one. Why should I assume I could fight that?

He stopped with me and, though I let confidence fall into my gaze, as soon as he looked away it was gone. I stared at him hard, but my eyes had taken a new emotion--terror and guilt. I was asking too much. I almost willed him to reject me, or misunderstand, or anything of the sort. I did not deserve him. He could do better. This was one of those moments where the selfish monster in my blood had won the war on morals. The ocelot had been right. No matter how hard I tried, I would always be a creature of the dark. I would always think of myself first. He had specified felines because that was what was personal to him, but selfishness is not reserved towards one species. It never is. When someone is selfish, they are always so. I had run from it for so long and now it was rising at the worst time. Walk away, Michael. A plead set into my eyes--a plead that he would break my heart.

His response twisted my gut. We were both awkward little shits, weren't we? I cursed myself for doing this to the one person I had always vowed to protect. I would be his undoing. Sure, I would play knight in shining armor and help him along his journey to recovery, but then what? Once I had nothing more to hold his paw through, he would be able to look at me for what I was--a nothing. He would regret this humid day that we walked to the beach. And he would be too nice to save himself then. Too nice to push me away after so long and so hard a journey together. He would be trapped in a life that was less than what he deserved. Fear clouded my head. I couldn't do this to him. He would find someone wonderful one day and I don't want to be what stands in his way. I would help him as a friend and nothing more. I had to. For him. I won't be a monster. I won't be a self-serving little knob. I refused. I could fight this. I could. I would.

"I know, but I am your idiot." I laughed it before I stepped forward and started towards the ocean. I would play it off and make him think he misread my tone. I had to. I could feel my heart draining, falling. I could finally be happy, but at what cost? It was much too great a price. I wanted to be a good dog, and I would. No matter what. "Those clouds up there look beastly. Maybe we should head back." They did. I glanced up and the clouds were rolling in. In the few moments we had stood still the wind had picked up ever so slightly. I didn't smell moisture in the air, though, so I knew it would just be a little wind, maybe a light rain, but perhaps Michael wouldn't read that. My tone was heavy, despite my trying to be nonchalant. I had to convince him he misread my tone without coming right and saying it (that would sound mighty suspicious). "Blast! The weather was so nice, too." I sounded crest-fallen, because I was. I said this in hopes it would explain why my voice was so weighed down with defeat. I turned around and face Michael again, doing my best to wipe the the darkness from my gaze, though largely failing. How was he ever going to think a couple rain clouds would leave me in such disarray? Maybe he would see through it, but he was smart. He would know he could do better. He had to know how perfect he was--how completely beautiful he was in every way. Logic told me he had no idea, obviously, but I refused to believe it. People have to have accurate self-images or else they would have low self-worth and that led to terrible things.

Brothers is what we are, and that was all we could ever be.

[I L Y I C H]

Ginger eyes flicked back to him and were instantly frozen. Stiff, I went still and just stared. Fuck. I'd said the wrong thing. I'd fucked up. Ears falling back I opened my mouth in an attempt to apologize but he was already talking and I just closed it again. Oh Skoll dammit what had I done? "You are." I didn't realize how vicious the words came out until they were already floating in the air, rough and half desperate. Gavin was my idiot. He wasn't even an idiot. He was just mine. Gritting my teeth I took a step closer to him, eyes locked on his face. Burning. But he was walking and still talking and I looked after him blankly for along moment before I turned and circled after him. Gavin didn't really think he could fool me of all people did he? I was the fucking king of self-loathing and I could practically smell it oozing out of him.

And It was my fault. I'd read the situation wrong. Done something stupid. I shouldn't have pulled away. It had put guilt on Gavin's shoulders and I hadn't meant to do it. I didn't want it there. But there it was settled heavy and staring mockingly back down at me. "No" My voice had gone soft. It was a shock to hear it, even from myself. I hadn't really ben thinking about responding, but the overwhelming wrongness of the entire situation had shot an air bubble of words out of my throat without my control. "We are not going back" I continued, voice still softer then normal, the words rolled out carefully. Trying to find the right ones. I'd always been utter garbage at puzzles. "Not yet." Folding my ears backwards I placed myself in front of him.

Gavin was taller then me by a full foot at the very least. He was massive really. Lanky and slim but still imposing. I'd been dead terrified of him when I'd first seen him. Geoff had been about twelve times more horrifying at the time but I had avoided the tall folami as well. Scared. I'd been horribly stupid about it obviously, but that didn't mean shit at the time. This man in front of me had absolutely nothing to hate about himself. Sure he hid behind smiles but that was better then most of our coping mechanisms. It made me wonder about what had happened to him in the past. How had he been damaged? Someone had hurt my Gavin and it made m furious not only with the past but with myself as well. Here I was moping about being the weak link and Gavin was hurting just as bad. He'd always been stronger then me.

But I was putting my foot down. I'd had enough of this dancing around, and maybe it was horribly selfish of me but I couldn't help it. I was a selfish person after all. I needed things and I took them and if that made me a horrible folami then so be it. But I was done with hiding away my emotions because I was scared of what they would do. I was done with pretending like everything was okay when 'everything' loved to do 360's from absolute bliss to complete shit constantly. Just done. Completely and utterly finished with throwing all of my shit at Gavin and having him support me and not having anything to give back. Well you know what I had a fucking hammer too. He needed me just as much as I needed him and that was obvious.

"Your a fucking idiot if your gonna get upset over shit like that." I was growling again now, voice harsh. Referring to him getting upset over my pulling away which is what I assumed had brought that fucking look on his face. I hated it. I wanted to raze it off. Gavin wasn't allowed to look sad. Only genuinely happy. That was the only emotion I would allow him. I'd get rid of all those painful feelings if it killed me. No matter what I had to do. "Your a fucking idiot and I love you."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I paused in my retreat, caught off guard by the soft tone this man was using. I almost let my emotions get the better of me, sending me either running away or spinning around and snapping at this man. I would have to force him to hate me if we couldn't just continue on being friends. All because I had let my tongue slip a little too far. I would have to tear him apart so he never wanted to speak to me again. But what good would that do? Maybe it was arrogant of me, but I felt like if I left him an emotional bloody mess, Geoff wouldn't be enough to help him anymore. Nor would Jack. He needed all three of us to be patient with him. Either action I took would hurt him here. If I listened and let this take the path I so wanted it to take, he would be trapped in a peasant life when he deserved royalty. If I walked away right now, leaving him hating me and thinking I hate him, he would be kept in the prison of his own doing. Which was worse? It hurt that I couldn't decide on answer.

He was in front of me now and I found myself fighting to look away, but losing. My green eyes shadowed over his face, drinking in every feature and scent. How was I supposed to take his best interest into consideration when I so unwillingly got lost in his eyes? I had to pull myself away if I had any hope of walking away from all this and letting the man have a chance at his own happy ending. But I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough to let him go. I needed him and the beast within refused to give up what it so desperately desired. He final words erupted a fire in my gut and my lips and eyes twisted into a sad, but soft smile. "You shouldn't." I watched for only a second before arching my head downwards, closing my eyes and pushing my forehead into the long furs along his neck.

"But I love you, too."

[I L Y I C H]

Heat raised into my face and I snarled sharply at the look on his face. I knew that look. I knew what it meant and I could all but hear the thoughts bouncing around in his head. Gavin and I were far more alike then either of us cared to admit. Neither of us thought we were enough. But he was. He was good enough for me. Far too good, really, but then I would assume that was the same oddly warped view that he held. It hurt my head to even think that was a truth in his own mind but I settled on it like a dog with a bone. So I curled my lip at his stupid fucking words and snarled roughly at his own omission. It settled heat in the pit of my stomach. Lasting absolutely gleeful heat. Some childish part of my mind was throwing confetti and I half expected it to come out of my ears, but that wasn't the main concern right now.

"Shut the fuck up Gavin" I frowned at him, tucking my nose against his ears. "I'll love you if I want to and there isn't anything you can damn well do about it." Nudging myself closer I closed my eyes and pressed my muzzle across the top of his head. "You have no fucking idea how much I care about you. And you wont go off on some stupid fucking track of whatever your thinking because you don't." Tentatively, despite the big talking, I pressed my tongue lightly across the top of Gavin's head. not knowing how to calm his fears I continued with the motion. "Your perfect you dumb shit. You have no fucking idea."

Did he have any idea how much he had helped me? Bulimia was a compulsion. An addiction. It stung and burned and drove daggers into my skin when I ignored it. When I tried to pull away. Withdrawal was violent and horrible but here I was. Almost calm against him. Because of him. Gavin who was patient enough not to call me a freak even though I was one. Gavin who listened to me and what I had to say instead of looking at my disorder and thinking 'I have to do what I think is right'. Because he listened to me and he didn't just deal with me. He was fucking perfect a god damn little sun ray in the pile of shit that was the way I saw most of the rest of the world and I would show him one day. I would find the words to tell him. To justify everything I was saying now. I would find someway to prove it to him.

After all he was doing the same thing for me.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I had half a mind to believe that maybe we were good for each other. That maybe it wasn't wrong of me to allow us to be something more than friends. Oh, I knew I was far from a good dog, but if I could make Michael happy in a world full of sorrow, that was what counted. Skoll only knew Michael was my one ray of light in a dark world. Maybe the ocean was right to tell me my brother was more than my brother. Maybe this wouldn't be a bad thing. Maybe I wasn't a monster for letting this dog know I love him.

It couldn't be selfish if everything I did was for him.

The feeling of his tongue across my forehead sent a series of shivers up my spine. I couldn't hide it, the pleasure, it was erupting out of me like a volcano about to blow. I loved the Achievement Hunters, but at this moment I knew I would be okay if it were just the two of us. I would cry for those I lost, my beloved father and the boy whom was my partner in crime, but I would be able to eventually pick myself up and dust off the pain. I would eventually smile again, as long as this rough-talking mutt stayed forever mine. I pushed harder into the contact, lost in his warmth. The clouds began to lightly drizzle the land around us, the wind softly rustling Michael's fur against my nose.

“Guess we're just a couple of benders, then." I chuckled it softly as I forced myself to pull away. Oh how I wanted to just sit and caress this man until the end of time. I would be okay with that, content. A playful smirk crossed my jawline as I waggled my eyebrows. “Always thought I was such a ladies man." I couldn't help but crack a laugh at that. I had never spoken to a woman in my life, besides my mother, but I still had never considered that maybe I didn't play for that team. Despite my low self-esteem, I had toyed with trying to find myself a nice little lady. I had thought maybe it would help give me some purpose in life--some joy. I had never considered that purpose and joy would the man I so often labeled as brother. If there was a god, he or she had a sense of humor.

“Why is it we were the last one in Achievement Hunters to realize it?" Amusement bit at my tone, though a little bit of shame leaked in with it. I should have been able to read my own feelings, but odds are I had denied them out of self-preservation. I should have come to terms sooner. No one awoke the fire that Michael did within me, and no one made that honest smile poke out. No wonder Geoff and everyone else had seen it. I wouldn't even put it past Ray to have noticed. Ah, but that wasn't really why I was saying it. I wasn't good at sentiments, and I figured Michael wasn't either. That was likely why it was only coming out now. Love. Such a weird, constricting, vulnerable word. It was almost sour on my tongue. Ah, well, it used to be.

Guess it had always been an empty term. Until now.