I Barely Knew Ye (aw)

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I thought I was prepared to die. I had no one left to say goodbye to. I had no more path to walk on. I had been wandering aimlessly since that day Mahal pulled away from my comforting touch. Since the day I had learned he loved Logan. Since the moment he forgot that he had someone else who would give him the world. I was not angry that he and Logan had found in each other that which I had wanted from the twilight man. That would be cruel of me. What upset me is that now that he had Logan, it was as if I wasn’t there. I refused to admit to myself that I was equally at fault. I avoided the man like the plague--but he had always been a dog who fought for what he wanted. He wasn’t fighting for me. So when I had been raped by a large folami without a name, I had remained silent. I had known the odds were against me. I had made peace with the fact that these children growing in me would likely kill me. I had no god to worry about judgement with. It would be nice, finally getting to sleep. I envied Daiade for being able to escape this world and just know nothing. Knowledge is a burden. I hated how much I knew. I had thought that I was ready to die just so I could relax, and maybe even be missed for once in my life.

I had misjudged my want for eternal darkness.

The pain was swallowing me as I traveled with my only slightly swollen belly low to the ground. Something was wrong here. My shape did not speak of someone about to give birth. I was long haired so it masked most of my added bulk, but even beyond physical I knew the date wasn’t right. Only a little over a month had passed since inception--these children were being too eager. I was ready to die but a deep instinct did not wish to let the under-formed children give up just yet. I may have been a mind of science, but I was not free of the deepest rooted instincts--the maternal pull was terrified over the concept of letting my children die. I distracted myself from the contractions as I walked by recounting the sunrises since that night the dark figure had taken my innocence. I hoped and prayed to gods I didn’t even believe in that my calculations were wrong. A month and a half early for a human had a only small chance of survival, even with all there medical instruments. A folami out in the wilds had no shot. These children would die with their mother. Unless these premature birth was my body’s way of doing what my mother’s had failed to do, which is survive. My body may be rejecting the fetuses, knowing if allowed to mature they would kill me. This thought scared me even more. I did not want to let my children die so I could live. I refused.

My body denied my disapproval.

My legs gave out as a contraction stronger than the others rippled through my muscles. I had made it less than a mile away from camp. When the first weak contraction ripped through my frame, I wisped away into the shadows, running through the contractions as best as I could, needing to distance myself from those I cared about. I had decided on this before I had realized this birth was premature. I had not wanted my family to see me die--I did not want to see their eyes as they realized I had been too scared to admit the rape. I would not even admit it as I died. I would let them think I was a harlot, because I was too frightened to have it shoved in my face that no one would care enough to hunt down the bastard that had did this to me to avenge my misfortune. Or, more specifically, I was afraid Mahal would not even hear my admission over Logan’s beaming perfection. So I had run, prepared to howl as I died so someone would come and save my poor children from their cold mother’s body that would give them no milk. Ayita was pregnant, her slim form rounding in an odd angle. She had not admitted to it yet (I assumed because Paradox was still missing in action so she had her own insecurities), but I saw the subtle changes. Her heart is a good heart, the maternal instinct would be strong in her. A dog with strong instincts can produce milk without a litter simply by hearing the sound of hungry children. It would help that she is pregnant--her body is prepared already so all that would need to be done is for it to hear the pitiful calls of hunger from my children and it would send out the signal and milk would come. This all meant nothing now--all the careful planning. My body was allowing an unwanted abortion--I hated not being in control.

I had distracted myself again, in the foggy agony blanketed in my thoughts. I had not even felt the first child come, but here the too-large husky male lay staring blankly in my direction. Small for a newborn folami, but he had still needed about month or more to develop. I reached around and licked his forehead, feeling no reaction. No air pushed past his nose. I licked feverishing at his belly, sucked the fluid from his nose and throat. Nothing. No heart beat. No first intake of air. The boy never had a chance.

I was not given a moment to mourn from loss before the worst contraction yet erupted like fire and glass through my muscles. I bit down on my tongue, drawing blood, as my second son came into the world. I lashed around and began to groom the dark furred man, working harder as I felt the quick heartbeat. He was alive! I had a son! His breathing was jagged and each intake was a struggle. The euphoria set aside as I realized there was something wrong. The boy was distressed. I nudged his tense form to my stomach to allow him to nurse, but he refused to drink. I put my ears back and pushed my nose a little too roughly into his puffing cheek.

“Please don’t leave me. I need you. I love you.” The words weren’t enough. I moaned as I felt that ragged breathing come to an abrupt stop. Tears pushed forward. I could not recall the last time I cried, if I ever had. Depression had no logic, and yet here I felt the strongest grip of the emotion. Its icy fingers wrapped tightly around my heart as I pulled in the more husky-looking one of the two and laid my head gently on both cooling forms. My body ached but I ignored it. That was only physical. It would pass.

The scars left behind on my heart, however, were here to stay.

[I L Y I C H]

Clari had been avoiding me. Not that I could blame her for it, i'd been horrible to her for far too long. Infatuated I'd been distracted. Hid away against Logan like the child I was. It was a comfort I hadn't thought possible. Hadn't felt from anyone else. But I had let myself become enthralled with it and when I had surfaced and gone paddling back to my old friend she hadn't want me anymore. I'd abandoned her. I'd never meant to but that was such an old story. Such a nasty series of words. Maybe I hadn't meant to but that didn't mean I hadn't. After everything in my life after all the times I had been abandoned myself I had turned on a single feather of hope and left everyone behind. For Skoll's sake it wasn't even just Clarimonde. Val and Alonda hadn't said a word to me before they left and I knew that was my fault too. Val wouldn't have left without saying goodbye if I'd been paying attention to my friends. I'd been so lost in the euphoria of having another person to comfort myself that I forgot my own place and dear Skoll it hurt now.

I loved Logan, but I loved my friends too. I'd left them behind for a new play thing and I was disgusted in myself. None of them deserved that. Logan would have understood if I didn't spend every waking moment by his side. We weren't co-dependent. Not to that fault. So in the end this was my fault. I spoke rarely to anyone but Logan and occasionally my mother. It was my doing of course. My placing a blinder on my own face to hide from the world. With Daiade's death and my Father going back to his pack I had been at a loss and what else did I do but turn to seek comfort. I'd never wanted to break down in front of anyone but Logan didn't judge me. I'd begun to not be so scared of weeping in front of the man. It wasn't something I had yet to accomplish with anyone else and thus I had stowed away in the priest's knapsack and refused entry to anyone else.

And now Clari was missing and I was in a panic.

Tracking her in the rain would be wholly impossible. I didn't have those skills. The herbalist was smarter then me by tenfold, if she wanted to go somewhere she would go and no one would find her. Where was she? The edge of pain had already crept into her scent track before the rain had washed it away. Needed to find her. Had to find her. Where was she? Maybe I should have brought someone with me, but I hadn't thought. Just panicked. Just run out of the camp with my tail between my legs and my head lashing frantically. No one had followed me. No one was really in camp at the moment to follow me. So I had rushed out without a plan. Clari was missing. That was the plan. Find my fucking friend, even if she wasn't my friend anymore because I was a selfish asshole. I moved frantically, making noise and knowing I was but not caring in the least. Anyone who came across me would probably think I was having a fit.

In the end less then a mile from camp it was a bird of some kind that ld me to her. The flutter of feathers caught my ears and though I ignored them at the start the beat of massive wings finally caused me to look up at the strangest pattern of shadow I'd ever seen. The avian's outline didn't look right but I couldn't tell why from the ground. It was to high up. So I was fixing to look away. To ignore the oddity, but it moved again to the side before circling back and hovering. Interest gathered I took a step towards it, mouth shaping into something weak and fearful. Uncle had wings when he had shown himself to me. And with that thought I bolted in the direction the thing was facing. It's wings came down in the air so far above and it swooped away. Vanished. Skoll's messenger had come to my barely whispered pleads for help and I had responded.

Coming upon the scene I had my mouth opened wide, about to demand to know what had happened and why she had left camp where we could have helped her. Ocher eyes landed on the tired form of the husky girl, tear tracks evident and the scent that hit my nose turned my stomach. Ears going back I processed the situation as quickly as I could, desperately searching for the end solution. Not that there was one. There never was, but dammit I needed to figure out what the hell was going on and the only way to do that was to find the path that had led here. I doubted Clari had a mate. She wasn't the sort to find something like that and not hold it. Which left a fling with some random stranger or rape, and my mind was teetering violently and sickeningly towards the second option.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

In my opinion, suicide had no logic for or against it. It was just one path of many someone could take. There was never a single reaction someone could have to some event that unfolds--killing yourself was just that, a reaction. The only thing that kept dogs from are the ones they leave in agony behind them (which in itself is a strange thing, shouldn’t loved ones be happy the dead one had done what makes them happy?), and religion. I had neither thing to concern over, so it seemed a very real option at this point. I had kept myself alive as a child because I wanted to grow smarter, to drink in all the knowledge. Then I had attached myself to some silly infatuation. After that shattered, it crossed my mind, but then the rape happened and the children began to form and I just knew I couldn’t be a murderer. Despite everything, I did have some morals, and I knew killing someone as innocent as an unborn child was wrong. Perhaps if they were going to be the death of you and you wanted to live, I could understand it. I was pro-choice, but that hadn’t been my case. I was eager to leave this forsaken place, but I was not about to grow impatient over it and thus murder what could be two very good dogs. So I had waited.

And life had only gotten worse with that time.

Now I had nothing rooting me here anymore. My children were gone. I would never hear the un-containable excitement as they rushed home screaming mommy because something grand had happened in their day. I would never get to experience that adoring look setting upon me as I take on the image of a god in their lives. I would never get to take a hit protecting them, finally having something were fighting for. Never would I be unconditionally loved, seen as flawless in someone’s eyes. Because no one would ever chose to make me a mother and them be their father. I had to rely on rape to be given that. That was no a life I wanted to live. I didn’t want to go to smaller breed folami, or house dogs and play the part of whore so I could feel that love grow within me again as beings formed from my very body. Okay, fine, if that is all I want now and it can’t happen, it seemed there was only one option left. No one would miss me and I did not have fear of judgment from some bigger than life mutt.

My ears snapped up and eyes opened as I became aware I was not alone anymore. A weird sound of feathers dissipated as I finally managed to blink away my tears to clear my vision. Were the vultures already swooping in to feed on my young? Logic fled from me with the thought. They were dead and the birds were only doing their job so I had no right to hate them for it. But couldn’t they see a mother was still crying over their still warm bodies? A snarl ripped past my lips as I snapped my head up and glared at the sky and around me. No birds, no wings to justify the sound I had heard, but I wasn’t alone.

Narrowing my eyes, I used me snout to push my sons around behind me, shielding them from the man that was now within view. This was the last person I wanted to see right now, and that was shown clearly in my expression. I thanked the rain for it would explain why my face was matted down, and the drops that rolled from the corners of my eyes. Perhaps on any other dog one could assume the rain was not the only moisture on the face of a mother who just lost both her children, but I was not any other dog. I did not have love in my heart, and I would tear apart anyone who tried to say I did. I would not be made vulnerable and mortal. Love only hurts those that feel it. I was done having the fire-breathed agony piece through my chest. “Just go away, Mahal. Fact of life you should know by now, things die. Whatever.” I had to push the snarl even harsher from my throat to try and mask over the wailing that fought to escape. I was upset, damnit, but I couldn’t let Mahal see that. I did not know these dogs that died, it should not hurt me that they are now gone. But it did, more than anything had in the past. By the time ‘whatever’ came through my lips, however, a rugged moan cracked it. The fury tinged with indifference took on a faint glower of what truly lay beneath the surface.

The fact that I was upset, and I didn’t care if that made sense.

[I L Y I C H]

Ears folded back I dropped my head at her snarl. It wasn't aimed at me I knew but it would be soon. Alone. I had left her alone to suffer this. Still-born children. Or maybe they had lived for a short while before half-formed lungs collapsed in on themselves. The very idea gripped my heart and tore it to pieces. There was no simple motion. I couldn't wipe the thought away and with the pressure tight in my chest I pressed my jaw to me throat and took a step closer to her. Wanting to comfort. Her words stopped me, one onyx paw hovering in the air. The tone was a shock, but then we'd both been avoiding one another for far too long. I wasn't prepared for her own shields anymore. It made my chest hurt that much more. Settling my foot down I watched the husky girl with sad eyes, ears shifting back apologetically.

"Don't say that" My voice was low, hoarse again. A part of me wanted to cry for these children but I didn't have any tears left. Too many had been spilt in the shadowed year. Now I just felt numbness. It started in my chest and settled heavy in my paws. Maybe if I just turned to stone the world would stop doing these things. I could repel them then, but I knew it was just a silly childish thought. So I took the final pace forward and laid down in the dirt before her, legs outstretched as if to touch her though I made no motion to do so. "I know things die but that doesn't make it burn any less." If she thought she could chase me away by spouting cruel things about Daiade then she was sorely mistaken. Clarimonde forgot that I knew her too well for such things to work.

"I will not leave you here alone to mourn." Cutting my eyes up I locked the expression on her face, boring into that tawny stare. Daring her. Don't defy me my dear I could see it in your eyes. Where Clarimonde was smart, so very smart, I was empathetic. It was my only real gift. She wouldn't hide this from me. I wouldn't let her. Not after abandoning her to this in the first place. I hadn't known. She hadn't told me. I'd failed her and I was disgusted with myself. Children. She had lost her children and I hadn't been here to support her when she needed it. Now my old friend was trying to send me away and my own stubbornness wouldn't allow it. I didn't care if she thought this was what was best for her. I would not leave.

Tipping my nose back towards the ground I watched her quietly, not sure how to proceed. So many things whispered across the back of my tongue and I wasn't sure how to go about speaking any of them. So many questions that I had no right to ask. So many answers she didn't have to give me, though I knew she wouldn't ever assume I would judge her. Never me. I didn't have the right to judge anyone, not with everything I'd broken and ruined in my life. Which was basically the entirety of it. I was a good little prince following right along in daddy's paw prints and dammit it burned to think it but it was true. Maybe I hadn't been stolen away and lied through my teeth but I had abandoned my friends besides. I would take responsibility for that at least. I wasn't the coward my father had been.

"I'm sorry Clarimonde." It didn't feel right to use the nickname. Like it would upset her. It wasn't my due to speak familiarity when I had not earned the right back. "I found something new and I abandoned you." I felt no shame in the confession, but the emotion fermented in me and spilled into the tone anyway. My shame came from my actions. Maybe I loved Logan, but I held love for all of my friends and because Logan's love had been something new I had been distracted. Lost. "It was disgusting of me and I should have been here to help you." Dropping my head I pressed my jaw into the earth for a long moment, ocher eyes weary and unfocused.

She couldn't make me leave. I wouldn't go. She was hurting and I knew that. I couldn't even imagine. I was a family dog through and through. The very idea that Clari had had a chance at family and had lost it burned me. Maybe it should confuse me that the withdrawn folami was reacting in such a visceral way but it did not. Clari might not like to admit it or see it but she was a deeply devoted person. I was not surprised by her pain. Whimpering softly I lifted my skull back up from the ground, trying to look without being a complete asshole about it before I shifted and cut my eyes to the ground the shame bubbling up again. "May I... can I see them?" I asked their mother, my voice low and weak.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The man didn’t leave and I couldn’t help but allow a flicker of surprised gratitude push itself into my tattered heart. Maybe Mahal had not forgotten me. Perhaps the fault was more my own than his. I shouldn’t have made him have to fight for me, I should have just understood. He had pulled away from my comfort at Daiade’s death because he had his own way to mourn. I didn’t know how to react to such things, so I had done what I had observed other’s doing. Contact was supposed to be reasurring. Mahal was different from the others and I should have been able to respect that and step back with dignity. I had already been hurting at that point, though, so I had let that be when my emotions cut off. Or perhaps lost control of them. Either one made me do the same thing, abandon that which made me mortal. Still, I let myself hold onto the self pity. It felt strange in me, but I had grown fond of it. I had let the hate build me stronger. Love had killed my mother, and now it had killed my children. Yes, it had been love and hurt caused by Mahal that had sent me off to get lost on our lands that night the monster came. These children were birthed from the pain of a broken heart, the foolish actions of a woman who let herself fall too hard.

Love had murdered these children. Love would be what killed me.

Love had brought more pain than joy to Bidziil and Carska. Love was what made Ayita pace in the night while Paradox was gone. Love was the reason Newsoul swallowed who she was rather than going to the other pack. Love drove Abeni mad. I refused to acknowledge that it was love that had created Mahal, love that (almost) healed Paradox unstable soul, love that kept Newsoul and Carska alive in the facility, love that saved Abeni’s life. I would not admit that every relationship had times that were negative, but they would always be outweighed with the positive. Let me be the pessimist instead of the realist for once, it was the only way I could keep myself from remembering that I did, in fact, still love this man now lying before me.

I pulled away from his paws, a slight movement, but I did not try to hide it. I was no different than this man, really. Touch was not what I needed here, not what I wanted. Or maybe I was just being stubborn, trying to force the same hurt onto him. Selfish, I knew I was being unreasonable, a child. It touch would make Mahal feel useful here, I should allow it. But I couldn’t. I was still in too much pain to let the man in, still too vulnerable to allow myself to show the broken pieces within. “I don’t need your help, Mahal. I’m a big girl. A real folami would be able to handle it on their own, so let me. Logan is your mate, so go fuss over him.” My tone was still rigid, but the ferocity was gone. I was losing the battle to shield myself behind my anger. And there it was, confession number one. I was weak because of my breed. I remembered Michael, the way he broke under the judgment of our breed. I had hid behind my logic and pretended it didn’t sting, but I understood why he left, and why he let himself be driven so far that he felt the need to change himself to hide that he was different. When he had left I had had to lean on my knowledge, having lost the only one I knew ever really understood the damage words could do. I still remembered the taunts, and even as an adult I felt the need to deny I was weaker than everyone else. You never outgrow childhood trauma, I had just grown good at hiding the affects.

The request caught me off guard and I narrowed my eyes as I stared at him hard for a moment. I didn’t know if I should let him or not. Really, I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to pull them back in front of me without dropping this charade entirely. My voice had already faded a hint weaker than me original dismissal of him, and I could feel the pressure behind my eyes and the burn in my throat at the thought of seeing them again. The husky-boy’s eyes were open, they had been staring at me. The faded brown gaze of my lifeless son would haunt me every time I blinked--every moment I slept. Then my twilight son, the way he had begged me for life and I had been unable to give it. He had wanted to live, had fought with what little strength he had. I had failed him. How could I ever look at him again, knowing I had not been able to be the hero a mother should always be?

Yet, I found myself slowly sliding back to take my body away from guarding them from the man’s line of sight. I closed my eyes as I nosed them gently to lean against my chest, the husky boy’s left forepaw hanging lovingly over his brother, as if the larger man would always be his guardian. I opened my eyes to look at them, unable to resist. I stared at them in silence for a long, drawn out moment, forgetting Mahal was there watching. I leaned my snout down and gently prodded the black child on his cheek, breathing slowly as I did so. “Wake up, my love. Please. Why did you give up?” And I slid away from them quickly, as if afraid, and rolled myself to shove my head roughly into Mahal’s shoulder.

And I wept.

[I L Y I C H]

Pulling my paws back to myself I nodded quiet assertion. Clarimonde and I were more alike then we were different. Touch had always only made me feel weak. I preferred silence and loneliness when dealing with my troubles, though it always seemed that no one would allow me that. So I tucked my limbs back into my chest as simply waited. "Maybe." I allowed. Clari definitely didn't need me, but I wanted to be here. Wanted to help her. Perhaps she didn't need my help, but providing it wouldn't hurt her. It wasn't help asides, just companionship. My eyes narrowed though at the rest of her words. "A real folami would hold it inside until they either went mad or lost themselves." So none of us were real folami. No one could deal with something of this magnitude on their own. It wasn't natural for us. We were social creatures and as much as I knew Clari would prefer her solitude I knew all to well the way the mind works when it goes numb with grief.

So far gone you can't even feel it anymore. Just a quiet ache. If Clarimonde didn't think I understood that then she was horribly wrong. I wouldn't leave he alone now. I couldn't do so and live with myself afterwords. Mother had told me once how she had felt when we were born. Her voice had fallen into such a low tone I almost hadn't heard her. So much wistful quiet joy on that old scared muzzle. Being male I didn't know that feeling. That singular instant when your entire world narrowed down to one point with such ferocious love that it seemed to halt for an instant. I didn't understand fully and thus couldn't completely empathize but I could sympathize. I wasn't a mother but I had been a nephew. The loss of life fell heavy and painful no matter how fragile the connection. I just... I couldn't even come close to understanding the depth of what I saw under Clarimonde's hard stare.

"Your a horrible liar." I added after a moment, face jolting almost spastically. I couldn't help myself. That had always been my place. Comforting through fake smiles. But I dropped it quickly, shuffling painfully against the ground in response. They'd never been much of anything but a shield anyway. Clari didn't need a shield. She needed a mirror. She needed to be able to say and think and feel and know that there was no judgement. There never was. Not from the very beginning. Her breed was just that. Her parents had loved one another enough to make her and that was what counted. Love. So I closed my eyes and waited, feeling my request floating in the air lil a toxin. Waiting. Perhaps it wasn't so heavy after all. Ocher eyes peaked back out from under the rim of my eyelids, watching barely open as she moved.

Watching as she broke apart.

Ears folded sharply back I leaned forward, scuttling awkwardly closer in an attempt to comfort before remembering her shrugging it off before. She didn't want my touch. Fuck. What the fuck was I meant to do? I couldn't help her away from this. There was no escape. Grinding my teeth I stopped myself from jolting when she collapsed into my heavy shoulder. I couldn't get her out of it but I could help her through it. It was my only real use after all. So I tucked myself around her, ignoring the pressure in my chest. Clarimonde didn't need me to cry for her. I was a rock. A pinnacle to attach herself to, if she ever needed to drag herself back to ground. Maybe I just didn't have any tears left in me, as horrible as it sounded. I had nothing left to press out. So I closed my eyes, reaching out to touch the children carefully, tongue brushing across their damp fur. Gentle. Always gentle.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Maybe it didn’t matter to me who’s shoulder I cried into, but I tried to distract myself with thinking Mahal would save me. I was too scared to die, but much too tired to live. I wanted the ache in my chest to just stop, whatever I had to do to make it happen. If I had thought missing Mahal had been agonizing, then this was certainly life’s cruel way of shoving down my throat there was worst things than losing a friend you wanted as more than a friend. I knew now what it had felt like for Carska when Nimrod almost killed Alonda, except this was sorrow rather than fear. She had been afraid of this, the permanent hole carved into your heart that would never be filled. She had gotten to have an end to that agony, a point where her child was safe again. I wouldn’t get that. I would never get to hear my sons’ voices. I would never know their gentle strokes as they nuzzled into me at night. I had always hated when someone had self-pity, but I buried myself in it now. I gave up on being ashamed of my weakness’. I had lost my children and, dammit, I was going to mourn them. I didn’t care who witnessed it, I would kill their judgments by meeting it with tooth and claw. Not that I had to concern over it.

Mahal had never judged me before.

Throughout it all the Prince had never said a word of taunting. All the children and many of the adults had squealed in pleasure at having someone to abuse, taking every opportunity to remind Michael and me that we were worthless pets. Both of us had taken after of husky genes, displaying very little in way of folami. We were creatures created by weak heart folami that fell for those below them. Spawn of the weak can only be weak, pathetic, vulnerable. But the Prince had always remained kind towards us, never even acknowledging the shortcomings. He had been a good friend, so good that he had even accepted me back into his life after I betrayed him for the side I should have known would abuse me. It was no secret Mahal was my only real friend now that Michael had gone, and it should have been no surprise that I had fallen in love with him.

Except that little fact that love made no sense so I should have been one to avoid it.

I pushed closer into him as my ears caught the sounds of his tongue rasping over the still forms of my children. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I allowed myself to become numb to reality. We were a family, Mahal and I the proud parents of two wonderful sons. We were happy, fucking euphoric, a picturesque group of dogs that loved one another. I regretted letting myself have the image--Mahal and Logan were in love, why couldn’t I just be happy for them like a real friend would be?--but I needed something to cling onto to help me drag my sanity back. I had just spoken to a body I knew could not hear me. I had spoken to a dead puppy. I would lose myself in hysterics and all I had left was my good sense so I needed to do what I had to to fight back the nonsense. I needed everything to just slow down so I could catch my breath.

Please. Just for a second let me breath.

“I was ready to die, Mahal. Why did they have to be punished when I was willing to go instead?” I didn’t know if Mahal would understand what I was saying as I turned my head to just lean the side of my face on his shoulder now. I had been ready to die like my mother had, ready to tear them from me so they didn’t suffocate like my siblings had. They had had a chance at finding happiness in this new world of Vea Apxn. They didn’t need to know the discrimination--I was already tainted and formed by the hate, but they had a future that I could only dream of. If I had still had any doubts in my atheistic beliefs, they would go away now. No god worthy of praise would let the innocent die and make a woman tired of life live instead.

I wasn't crying anymore, but my voice said it all; I was just tired of being tired.

[I L Y I C H]

May 19, 2013 12:37:36 GMT -5 I L Y I C H said:

Feeling my heart crumble under her sorrow I arched into the broken women's body. Accepting her tears and trying to drown out her sorrow with my warmth. It wouldn't' work. Wouldn't make anything better. But I would try. I would keep trying until she didn't feel as if her being had been so wholly eroded. I would never give up. It burned me to hear Clari speak of her own death so simply, but I understood it. She'd lost something I could not begin to comprehend. Children. The hope for a future. The hope for their future. Was this where the panic in mothers eyes has come from when Alonda had lain vulnerable under Nimrod's fangs? Had that terror been the fear that this would happen? That she would loose something so precious to her that she was willing to die for it? For us? I shuddered at the thought, moving my head to gently press the tiny lifeless children closer to their mourning mother.

Loosing Daiade had been a form of hell, but it wasn't like this. I couldn't begin to imagine. Clarimonde had lost something that was so visceral she was willing to die for it. Children who's entire worlds would have depended upon her. Instincts and desperation's settled onto their softly beating hearts. Except they weren't beating and not a power in the world could change that. Their far too early birth and deaths had allowed Clarimonde to survive, and in some sick way I wondered if the gods were planning something. No. Skoll had no more control over such things then we ourselves did, or if he did the Fire Breather had never sown that hand. The gods were dark and quiet. Hidden away in the shadows as of late. It had me worried, but it gave me hope that this was not Skoll's doing. My God would not do this to innocent children. Not that such an argument would help Clari at all. She was not a believer in any sort of higher power. As sad as the thought made me I could understand.

That was not the way to comfort her. I was at a loss and without a semblance of knowing what I was meant to say I simply opened my mouth. "I don't know." I spoke harshly, voice spiraling into depression. I could have watched these children grown. I could have seen Clarimonde care for them as only she could. As violent and horrible a loss this was for Clari she was not the only one who had had these precious children ripped form her. The entire pack would mourn their loss if they knew. I would mourn their loss at the very least. Knowing I would never see the pride in mother and sons eyes on the day they gained their mentor. Knowing I wouldn't see their first hunt and the uncertain determination it always brought out. Knowing that Clarimonde had surely thought of all of this and had it torn from her.

Tucking my chin against her snout I pulled her closer. What could I say to her? There were no words. So I would fight to betray myself with touch alone, crushing my muzzle into the side of her neck. Pressing my paws against her fur, careful to rub soothingly and equally careful to avoid bumping the babes at her chest. Just because they were not within their bodies did not mean I was going to hurt them. They did not deserve it. "I wont say it will be ok because it's not." Breathing thickly against her shoulders I hovered, bleak and hurting. "I'm so fucking sorry Clari."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

And with those words, the common I’m sorry, it became real. They weren’t coming back. The thought made me angry, forced me to pull away from this man that was trying so hard to give me something to hold on to. But he couldn’t. The anger was at him. When you have no gods to blame, you lash out at those closest. You can’t just accept it, no matter how hard you try, you just have to make someone else hurt with you. I bit down on my tongue, not wanting to give into pointing false fingers. So I only stared at him harshly, wanting so badly to blame him for not being there to protect me, but knowing I had no right. If he loved Logan, and if he needed space in his time of mourning, then that was who he was and I needed to respect that. But my heart wouldn’t let it go, the grudge. These children would never have been created, and never had to die, if I hadn’t been out alone in those woods. I would never have had to be out alone in those woods if Mahal hadn’t taken my heart and torn it from my chest. Or if I had just stopped and thought for even a second. My ears dropped back and eyes fell as I laid my head gently by the pups. This was my fault, not Mahal’s. I wasn’t good enough, strong enough. I had failed my children, and I alone should pay for it.

I slowly got to my paws, head and tail low. My legs felt weak after the birth, but I bit back the discomfort. I gently nudged the larger, husky-looking child towards Mahal an inch. “Do you think Carska and Logan will let us hold a service for them?” My voice was low, deflated. I didn’t believe in the religious side Logan played into burials and weddings, but my heart sunk at the thought of just burying my children and acting like nothing happened. I wanted them to be appreciated, missed. If that meant they were to be blessed by false gods, then fine. “Could you carry Michael?” I bit down on my tongue again as my stomach flipped. “I was planning to name one Michael if I had a husky-looking boy.” I stared at the child for a moment before turning my eyes to the smaller, black boy. “I named him Faxxon, after my father.” I bent down and grabbed a hold of his scruff, blinking back tears. It was bad enough Mahal had seen my cry, I was not about to let the rest of the pack get them bit of ammo, too.

Two days from now everyone will have forgotten about my children. Two days from now I will die.