Thoughts/Prayers needed

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

This here is Michael Jones Lagasse. He is the son of Truffles and the brother of Lester, Irwin, Griffon, and Ray. At only 2 months of age (June 5th, 2013), this boy was pronounced dead. He was on his side, we couldn't see him breathing, his eyes were closed. However, this little boy, like I said, is the son of Truffles Lagasse. If you knew of Truffles' life from birth to now, 9 years later, you would know she is the strongest, most durable living being in the world. Michael decided to say 'fuck you' to death--as I went to take him in my arms, he came to life. He cried out to me and I scooped him up and ran to the house. We called the vet and left her a message. We waited. Ma left for work. I waited. Michael started to fight me but I struggled against him. I didn't want to see him try and stand and fail.

He finally won and I put him on his feet. The boy began to walk around (weakly, by still). I got him to eat some grain and I made him some formula. The vet called back, I answered (yes, ME). I spoke a mile a minute in my excitement. The vet said the earliest she could come was 1:30 this afternoon. I cancelled my plans to go see Beth and now I wait. I put together a makeshift area in the house for Michael, safe from Brian, quiet, comfortable temperature. I got him a nice branch (which he LOVED).

And we wait. Please keep my little Michael in your thoughts and prayers as we wait for the vet to come and tell me what we can do to help this child. Don't let her come and tell me there is nothing we can do, so then all I can do is wait for him to die. I can't do that. I watched Irwin die. I watched Grace die. I won't watch Michael die.

I will give yall an update after the vet leaves and I get everything settled with Michael. Until then, I will just be sitting here at the computer, because Michael is close by and I can see him from here so all is well. Thanks, everyone.

Love from Bhu and her herd.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Oh, and as an extra note to Ily....this vet visit is probably going to set me back a couple hundred. Grace was right around $350, and Michael's will probably be at least that if there is a way to save him. And you know me, I am like you.....if I have to use all $1000+ of my money, I will. So my offer (that you declined but I was planning on pushing anyway) to pay for the down payment and 'pet fees' for wherever we go, may have to be swallowed back to just doing half and half -.- We will see. Maybe the vet will take pity on me because I look like a 12yr old (yeah, right, haha). So, yeah. We can talk more about finances on skype if we need to, I just posted it here because it was the page I was already on and my brain and short-circuiting right now.

Odds are I will have at least $1000 when we move....but it all rests on Michael right now.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

May the odds be ever in your favor!

In this case they are in Michael's, according to the vet. Had we waited another day, she said Michael would have been a lost cause. The poor boy has coccidiosis, which is caused by Eimeria bovis and E. zurnii, which is a weird, terrible hybrid between a parasite and a bacteria. In kids his age it is usually fatal because they get such terrible diarrhea and become so anemic, meanwhile their humans are treating them for worms because those are exactly the symptoms for worms.

Poor kid got two shots today, an antibiotic and a B Vitamin. He hated the shots, but loved the attention afterwards. We then had to get an anti-biotic pill down his throat. Now three times a day I have to bottle feed him, 2x formula, 1x Gatorade (you heard me, lucky bastard has been PRESCRIBED Gatorade). He needs yogurt 3x a day, a 1/4 of a antibiotic pill twice daily, a B vitamin shot twice daily, a Banamine shot twice daily, and Corid (amprolium) added to his daily water supply.

He is up grazing again and starting to get a little bit of his spunk back already, but he has a long road to recovery ahead of him. Bye bye sleep, hello screaming child. -shot-

[Kunabee]

*claps and dances*
I'm glad to hear all is well! If I can manage to sneak around my mother I'll see if I can send you any of my money... mind you, it would only be like, 20 bucks (as I only have 350 or so right now), but I still want to help with everything.

That boy is a miracle child.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

No no, hunny, you keep that money. Ily and I will make due with the fundings we have <3 I am just a worry-wart for finances--I am making our situation feel worse than it is. But you are very kind to offer and know that it means THE WORLD to me <3

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Michael is a fucking dick and gave up last night. Oh goody, now I get to sit here and wait for the vet bill of $300+ for someone who didn't want to fucking live. GUess I can relate most to Clarimonde now. I can have as many children as I want, but I am too big of a fuck up to keep them safe. Fucking shit for brains over here kills everything she loves, run the fuck away. GUess I should just let ma sell Lester and Gavin. They would be safer in a slaughter house.

[I L Y I C H]

Dont you ever fucking say that Bhu. Life is cruel and you know that; it doesn't make it anyones fault. Least of all yours. So don't fucking blame yourself and dont fucking blame Michael because it's neither of your damn faults and it's counterproductive. People get sick. People die. There is literally nothing anyone can do about it half the time. Doctors and Vets are not miracle workers and the body can only take so much. But you fucking tried and so did Michael and so did everyone else. Okay? Don't downplay his fight because it ended. Sometimes it just hurts so much less to give in. So stop talking shit like it's going to make you feel any better or protect you because it fucking wont. Get your ass over here and have your hug and think about it.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Thank you, Ily, for being so aggressive about it....I needed that kick in the ass. Honestly. I was just so fucking angry at myself this morning and it just pooled over onto Michael because I couldn't handle how much I hated myself. He had been sick for a fucking week before I did a damn thing. He had to be pronounced dead and then come back to life before I could react. And then the vet just said all the right things for all my fears to fly out the window. I was prepared yesterday to get word that he may not pull through....but to have hope given so fiercely, and then wake up to have it shredded....I lost it this morning. I shoved Midge, I screamed at Lester, I verbally abused Truffles, Griffon, and Ray, I even swore my ass off at Michael's body. Ma left for work early and she told me it was because she was honestly scared of me. This is the first death I feel responsible for since Irwin. Lil was murdered, Grace was my mother's patient (I had put a shield around myself for that one so ma took the brunt of it). Ma nursed Truffles back to health when the girl was given a 0% chance of survival. But ma fought past that. I helped to some degree, but ma was the one that saved Truffles.

I just wanted to save Irwin when he was said not to be sick. I just wanted to save Michael when he had a higher chance of surviving than dying. I guess I just want someone to be able to point at me and claim I saved their life. I just want to be a fucking hero for once, rather than the one who just sits and watches as children die around her. So the truth is, I am not bad at Michael one little bit...I was just in denial over how fucking guilty I feel. My ma pointed out last night that we have a 50% survival rate for our herd's kids and that just is way lower than it should be. She didn't direct it at me, she was taking responsibility, too. But she works. She doesn't live with the herd day and night. They aren't her family. She is here to try and make a profit from them, I am here to protect them. And I can't do that. It is the worst possible thing to say, but I can't fucking wait until I move, then I won't have child after child die in front of me.

I want just once to make the sick, well again. My mother has done it, why can't I?

[nEwOL握敵]

Bhu... It ain't easy. I'd like to thank Ily for kicking you in the ass while I was off wallowing in my own misery to do it myself. Being a hero isn't an easy task. Its a wonderful goal, believe me! As I love to say, shoot for the moon and see how close you land. The only thing I've every wanted was to protect people. That's my lot in life now is my friends. But even I keep falling short. I tell you now, as much as I try to help people, I don't always get everything right, in fact I don't think I've gotten everything right once yet. All the effort I spend trying to help my friends has nearly ripped my fekking life apart more then once. But I refuse to give up. And you should too. You wanna be someone's hero, you say, you wanna HELP someone? Well guess what...

You Saved Me...

You and Ily both, Kuna did a good number too now. But you have literately kept me fekking SANE! The fact that I have held on to what little sanity I had to begin with is accredit to YOU. You've listened to my darkest and most dreadful thoughts. You've listened to me beat against the cage of my own mind. And never once have you judged me cruelly. In fact I think you might have grown fonder of me for it. You guys give me a safe place to come and hide for a little while. And if I didn't have that... I can tell you I'd have unhinged and flown off my rails by now. The person that I am, that I have gradually become over the past two years or so, the person I'm likely to be for the rest of my life. That would have died by now. I get on here with you guys and I'm safe. I have peace of mind, and a distraction from my other issues. And I can not define to you how ape shit crazy I'd have gone without that.

Your my FAMILY now, Bhu. That's why I want like hell to actually fekking hang out with you guys one day.

You've told me before to not give up. And so I owe it to you tell you the same, and I mean if from the bottom of my heart. Even if you don't succeed, you can still tell the world to set on it and rotate because You Actually TRIED While they just sat and Fucking Watched. So don't give up, okay. Believe me, your not doing as bad as you'd think. At least not from where I'm standing.

[Kunabee]

In sixth grade, I would wake up every morning, and my first thought would be "I want to die".
Every single morning.
In sixth grade, I would go to bed, and I'd only fall asleep crying.
Every single night.

I found you guys when I was in eighth grade. I've been here for three years.
You guys saw me when my dad threw his bicycle at the windows.
When I've given up every ounce of hope I've had.
When I finally managed to forgive the one girl I hated for years, and forgive my dad.

Bhu, you have to be here. You started Broken Truths. It's been my haven for three damn years. One place where I can go to and I don't have to feel like I am totally alone. Where I don't have to feel like I am completely worthless.
You saved my faith when I was going to give up on Jesus Christ. You saved my life when I was going to kill myself.

Irwin died. Michael died. These things have purpose. Irwin died because he was an angel too good for this world. Michael died because God needed him in Heaven.
Some people say that animals don't have souls. They are fucking liars, in their own denial because they are sick and psychotic.

Because animals do have souls. They have a purpose. They go to heaven as angels - and as angels alone. They spread God's word and God's love better than any human could.
Your children were needed in Heaven because as much as you needed them, someone else needed them more. As we speak, I bet Michael is comforting a widow who has lost her whole family in a horrible fire that only she was free of. Irwin is telling a kitty right now that their owner in the hospital will be home soon.
This is why people die.
They die because they have jobs to do. Duties to fulfill.
And as the sun rises each morning Irwin and Michael poke their heads on over and check, just especially, on you.

You didn't save a life, but you did save souls. Every day you save a soul.
With your smile, with your faith. Every day you say good-night to Lester you're saving a soul.
Every time you're here for one of us on BT you're saving our souls. You're not a physical healer, Bhu.
You're an emotional and spiritual one.

That's the harder calling, but God knows - He chose you specially for it - God knows you will excel.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I have been sharing my gratitude for y'all off thread but after Kuna's post there I think it is time I post here a response to share how much I really love you all.

I have been suicidal for most of my life. I would go through periods where I'd think the urges were gone, but they never were. Since I was seven it was a constant need to push my body to its limits. I never cut, that wasn't my style. Too many people could see the lines. The few cuts I did do when I was experimenting what could make me feel better, I managed to excuse as scars from my 'wild adventures'. No, I choose to swallow pills and live as dangerously as possible, in hopes that maybe one day I would slip off the cliff I was scaling, or my liver would fail. Since I was seven my greatest wish was to die but for no one to know it was on purpose. I couldn't let people know I was weak! That would be preposterous. If people doubted me then all I had done to try and make a decent world for animals when I was alive, would be forgotten after I was dead. That was my greatest fear--having my mission swept away with my life because people didn't respect the way I died.

I had created many RP sites before the idea for BT came around. BT was birthed when I had to do a project about something to do with the rainforest. It could anything I wanted, an animal, the different layers, whatever. The year prior I had been in robotics class and we were told we had to make a robotic animal of our choice. Most chose the basic dog or cat, but I wanted something more--so I did my research and came across the little known ocelot. I studied that cat with ounce of focus I had. My ocelot robot won first prize because he could climb and walk along trees, since Ocelots are mainly tree-borne felines. Anyway, after that moment I became obsessed so, naturally, my rainforest project was about ocelots. I made my poster board but I was supposed to do something else--whether create a model, a powerpoint, whatever. I ask my teacher what she suggested and her answer was a question, "What is the thing you are most passionate about aside from the topic you need to display?" I was confused by the answer but as she taught the remaining of her class I suddenly shouted out "Writing!" she laughed, they all laughed, even I laughed. So I researched some more and found my story.

The ocelot was often a victim of the illegal pet trade due to its small size even as an adult, and beautiful markings.

And Trade was born. I got a 100% on my story but that wasn't enough. It became a need, the purpose I so needed, to work against the horrors ocelots and so many animals are forced through. And that is how Broken Truths was born. At the time I was still wanting to die, but the feelings had been put on hold so I could get this mission up and running. I built Broken Truths to gather together people with a similar heart as mine, but I could only express myself through writing. Bhuvana was supposed to be my spokesman, the woman who told the world 'this is wrong! love everyone!' through all her trials. But then people started joining. Moon had been a close friend of mine for a while, and we had been site stalking each other since before I could remember. Naturally she joined, but the site grew, and in doing so I decided that maybe I did have a real reason for being here.

The urges became fewer and farther between--I had found a family. People who not only shared my interest, but had an interest in me. I became more and more honest with the people here, showing my deeper emotions and they'd show me their's. I could be weak--I could let everyone know I was weak. I say the church saved my life but I know that isn't true. Not one little bit. BT single handedly made me think that life might not be so bad afterall--that maybe people would miss me more than a week if I left.

Shit hit the fan in the church. Okay, I had BT, I would pull through.

Then Irwin died and I tried to hold my trust in God. I honestly did. I still know He is there....but I question Him so much now. I believe but I do not honor. I love but I do not trust. I am trying to. Really. But it has been over a year and with Michael gone now, and Grace, and Lil, I am further away from Him then when I started trying to walk back.

Yet the urges are still so faint. I have not gone back down the road of wanting to die. I won't lie and say I never think it. I won't misguide you and say I haven't relapsed several times. But it isn't a need anymore, it is simply a reminder to myself that it could all end at any moment if I wanted it to.

But then I say no. Because of all of you.

Every single time I think that maybe it isn't worth it, I get some 'how are you?' text. Every time I am staring blankly at the floor imagining how much easier life would be if I just gave up now, someone says something stupid in the cbox and reminds me that I couldn't leave this. BT is my hero time and time again. Y'all are my heroes. This thread is only a small little piece as to why I am still alive thanks to my BT family. Beneath this tip is a whole mountain of reasons.

I owe you all everything, and more. Thank you.

Love you.