I've Forgotten {ily}

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I hoped Michael didn’t mind that sloppy mess I currently was. The short time we had been walking, I had allowed myself to lean into him further and further, using his bulk, however off it was, as a shield. Flashbacks of childhood broke in and out of my vision and I came to rely on the man beside me to guild me as my vision grew blurred with memories. As a child I had thought I knew everything, and considered myself superior because I was smart enough to find the illogical side of emotions, and avoid them. I couldn’t help but miss those days, the days I didn’t know the taunts were hurting me. It had all been an intricate lie, of course. A lie so perfect, and so long term that even I had come to believe it. The mind is an amazing thing, truly. It is one miracle to make something look so pure that those around you are convinced without a hint of a doubt, but it is far greater a feat when you trick yourself. I had done it. I almost let myself get proud of the accomplishment, but then I reminded myself how it had harmed me in the long run.

By denying myself the foundation to learn as a child how to deal with such things, I had doomed myself as an adult.

Forced to face my darkest fears that I hadn’t even known I had, I could not cope on my own like so many could. If Carska had lost Alonda that day in the war, she would have broken down for a long while. I would even go as far as to think she may never have moved on. But she would have been able to survive without needing someone to cradle her. Perhaps one could say it was because she was stronger, and that’d be true. Carska was a mightier being than me in every way. But that wouldn’t be why she would survive losing her child--she had allowed herself to face her deepest self beforehand, and that is what would have saved her. It had taken the death of my only real loves for me to accept I was mortal. To have that shoved in my face when I was in such a vulnerable position was why I had broken and decided my life was suddenly so pointless--why I still had half a mind to turn tail and outrun the underfed dog and throw myself to the sharks. I would be able to, afterall. Michael was a good hundred pounds under a healthy weight, which meant his stamina would be inferior to my own--it was not arrogance, just a fact of a living being’s anatomy. The body cannot find energy when it has been given none. Simple.

But another mortal flaw I had come across is no matter how much I beckoned death, I wanted to live. Without evening meaning to I would fight for it. Logic said we would all die some day and we were insignificant enough for it not to matter when or where or how. But, again to give credit to an organ not related to emotions but has somehow been given the reputation to be, my heart was fighting my brain and telling it to fuck off with its logic. That is where Michael came in--by letting me lean into him and him guiding me to more dogs that might care he was providing my heart with the backup army it needed to win this battle. Maybe I didn’t have to die--perhaps I could still fight past the emotional drive to end the constant ache that homed itself in my chest. Every brain cell told me that was nonsense, no one could save me because no one could bring back that which I wanted most, and yet every bone and nerve and cell of blood pushed my feet forward and told me to just keep walking, and just keep touching this man and to just smile and carry on. My brain told me I was too tired to take any more hits, but my heart said I was stronger than that, so long as I remembered I had at least one friend in this world that I had never questioned.

I so wanted to believe my heart for once.

No words fell past my lips as a careful smile sprouted gently on my expression. It was a sad smile, vulnerable and clearly broken, but the first one I had managed in so long. My head told me it didn’t make sense, I had nothing to smile about--that I never had anything to smile about. I almost grew angry as the thought crossed my mind. I had friends that cared about me, one of which that was putting his own demons on hold in order to embrace me and help me fight my own. I had two beautiful sons that, though dead, I loved and would never do anything to change having had the honor of carrying them for a month. Perhaps these were both broken blessings, but they were still something to be grateful for.

I remained in contact with Michael but I put a little more of my weight on my own four paws. My brother was here and helping me, and that was all the proof I needed that life was worth it, if only for a short while.

[I L Y I C H]

Kerry had stayed back in the office, saying Michael had told him to go back home. The kid was a good listener if anything else. It was obvious he was anxious about what was going on but he listened and he did as Michael had asked him. Kerry knew his limitations well, and I was glad for that at least. I wouldn't have the child hurt, it had happened far too many times in the past. As horrible as it sounded the boy was a cripple and he could so easily be killed because of it. A part of me was furious for Michael sending him to run home alone. Poor Kerry had been in a state of panic, blurting and panting that Michael was talking to an unknown folami off on the shore. Listening intently to the merle boy's words I had turned and left camp, not sure of where Gavin was and not really wanting to have to deal with his own panic at the time. Sure Michael was his but that didn't really allow for the behavior that my son was exhibiting as of late.

Paws landing roughly I didn't more quiet as fast as I would have if this wasn't Michael. That half-breed could protect himself despite his lack of muscle. He was fast and clever. That aside Kerry had said he was talking to this other folami. I had never once heard of any situation in which Michael spoke before he bit. Best to give the situation it's own box then. So as I moved I was far more curious then anything else, and upon rounding a small dip in the plains I came to an abrupt stop, eyes wide and stance mildly shocked. There stood Michael, with a woman on his shoulder. The two of them looked alike, though not enough to be related. Or so I assumed. It didn't take very much to know this woman was half husky as well, her markings made it all the more obvious. Ears flicking back I turned a questioning stare on Michael, but the chocolate mutt wasn't even looking at me.

Face soft as velvet this kid who i'd always seen as loud obnoxious and down right gruff was all but supporting the girl. Devotion was written all over his face in a stark determination that went against how soft the rest of him seemed to be functioning at the moment. Who the ever living shit was this chick? I mean Michael wasn't the sort of person to cheat, besides i'd have to fucking kill him, and besides this didn't seem like lovey dovey or some shit. So maybe this was his sister? Clicking my mouth closed I took another stride towards them as they moved towards me. Michael caught wind of m then, looking up from where he had his muzzle tucked against the weakly smiling dog's cheek. The kid's face hardened slightly, tucking neatly back away the emotion he always seemed to be trying to hide for some stupid as fuck reason. There was anxiety in those orange eyes though, and it seemed like something had cracked over the normally carefully guarded orbs. And when he spoke there was raw emotion in the roughness of his throat.

"Clari, this is Geoff." Michael ducked his head slightly, nose nudging against black ears before he turned his face back towards me, though his eyes remained steady on the little girl's face. I hadn't thought it possible for a folami to be smaller then Michael, yet here she was and obviously folami. Though perhaps not full. Maybe not even half. I was unsure. Apparently Michael had said something about me previously, and I smiled awkwardly not having a single fucking clue what was going on. but fuck the two of them looked really close and the woman upon closer inspection was dripping wet and looked like she'd been through hell. It was obvious that her friend, if thats what Michael was, was leading her back to the office and I nodded in affirmation. She looked like she needed a safe place to stay and fuck it might not be quiet but it was safe. Turning slightly I watched Michael keep walking, paws light in the sand as he curled tail flicked lightly over his haunches in thanks. Frowning, still having no fucking idea what the hell was going on I padded up to the man's other side, careful to keep my stance and body language quiet.

Didn't want to scare the poor kid, no matter the situation. She looked so lost.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I flicked my ear in silent greeting to this dog, Geoff Michael tagged him as, approached. My broken smile faded as my confidence dripped away. I was either being selfish, or stupid here. These dogs did not need me to come in and use them to piece my heart back together. They did not know me so either I was foolish to think they would care, or I was selfish to take advantage of good hearts. I had never helped anyone through pain--karma and all that shit were not in my favor, and I shouldn’t try and force it to be. As the man took a space to walk with us without saying a word, I knew I was selfish, not stupid. They would help me. They would give me something I had never given. Who was I to think I was worthy?

I could smell more dogs now, and hear voices breaking past the light rain and brightly colored trees. If I was going to turn away, now would be the time. I physically shook the thoughts away, letting my mortality guide me. I wanted to live and I could not do so without these strangers, and without my Michael. He was so different than he used to be, harder and more broken, but he was standing just as strong as ever by my side. My brother had always been my knight, even when I had denied him the credit for it. Sure, I had fought off harsh words for him, too, but it hadn’t meant the same thing coming from me. When he argued against insults shoved at me, he was sacrificing himself. I was just doing a duty, unaware of the damage the retaliation had been doing to me. I would never claim to be a strong or good dog, but I would openly share that Michael was both.

It occurred to me I had not yet said a word to Geoff. Guilt bit at me and I stopped moving forward, pulling away from Michael and curving ahead of him so I could actually look the kind stranger in the face. “Hi.” Well, didn’t I sound like just the dog this man would want in his pack. My voice was just above a whisper, strained and a little raspy, as if I had been crying my entire life so my throat was raw. It trembled because I was honestly scared this man would reject me once he knew I had not been strong enough to keep my children alive, so I would provide no protection for his family. Useless Clarimonde, as always. I had all the knowledge and know way to use it. Pointless. I was a fucking joke. My eyes fell to his paws as the confidence fell away from me again. “My name is Clarimonde. I should go.” A moron. Idiot. Silly little girl. They didn’t need this burden. No body did. I was done using those I cared about. I had used Michael and his mother as a child to feed my need to be number one. I had used Mahal and Carska when I chose the wrong side and needed someone to help me find myself again. I had used my children as an excuse when I had been too weak to keep myself willing to live. Now I was using Michael and his new family to glue me back together. I was done playing the victim. Everything happened for a reason, and I guess my whole life was just the result of a mistake.

I quickly turned away from the duo and prepared to use my smaller size as an advantage to maneuver through tighter spaces. I could possibly outrun Michael, but this other dog I had to assume was faster so I would have to take fore-granted that bulky and shrubs were not friends. My legs still felt weak from the numb of the icy water, but I couldn’t find the energy to care. My mind lay back on the ocean, my destination, the means to an end. Perhaps if I had remembered to focus on the present I would not have been blocked by a slim figured white man. His green gaze was carefully guarded, but there was a hesitant need there. His sharp ears were flicking towards me and then turning to the other dogs. He shared their scent to some degree, but fear gnawed at my belly. This man was a friend of there’s so he would not attack me, but that also meant he would not let me pass. I was close enough to feel the heat coming from his body and I retracted a step to pull away. “Hello there.” He offered it gently, as if talking to a child. He looked past me to Michael and Geoff with a questioning glance, but quickly redirected his attention to me as I shifted to go around him. He sidestepped and blocked me again, a gently amused smile playing his features, but I could see his eyes were anything but happy. Concern was there, but it wasn’t towards me. “Bidziil mentioned your name. Don’t worry, you are safe here.” Soft. So soft. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe all of them.

But no where was safe when your worst enemy was yourself.

[I L Y I C H]

Geoff was being careful. He obviously had no idea what was going on, which I guess was sort of apropos for the lot of us. No one ever really knew what the fuck was going on. Orange eyes followed my sister as she pulled away from me to speak to the massive man. Geoff smiled uncertainly back at her, his own voice high pitched as per usual. "Hello there." Cutting my eyes to the man, I rolled my shoulders heavily. Maybe Geoff was an awkward as shit person but he was nice along with it. Most of the time. I worried for Clari's sake what would come of the others. How loud they would be. How fucking in your face more then one of them defiantly were. Tail flicking fearfully, I tossed a quick look at Clarimonde as she went on talking. I'd barely opened my mouth before Gavin was there. Of course he was. Little fucker had perfect timing. Stepping forward slightly I faced the two of them, the frown on my face lengthening. If Clari wanted to go we weren't right to stop her. It was her decision. But I would miss her. I would miss her so fucking much and maybe I was just a selfish dick but I put a calming expression and moved forward enough to press my muzzle against the girl's side.

"We're both safe here Clari" I spoke low, voice smooth and soft. Whispered for my sister's ears only though I wouldn't put it past Gavin to have heard. It didn't matter. I trusted him and he knew how I felt about this little family of ours. Geoff was still standing behind the three of us, his ears shifted backwards but he knew something was far more then wrong now. He had a nose for that shit anyway and no one could deny the desperate look on Clari's face. Dad being the ever tactful shit that he was turned back around, giving us a bit more privacy. When he spoke up again his voice was low and smooth, it didn't even crack which I assumed was a massive accomplishment. "Hey. Come in and meet everyone." Looking away from Gavin, who I ad flicked my eyes too in worry, I turned slightly to watch Geoff take those last couple of strides into camp. Kerry's voice assaulted him immediately though with how low the boy spoke I couldn't make out words. Pressing my snout once more again Clari's side I took a step away.

Clarimonde was a big girl. I couldn't make her decisions for her no matter how badly I wanted to. I just wanted her to be safe. To feel loved. Knowing how bad it hurt to not know that I locked my eyes back on my boyfriend's face for a moment letting the thanks bleed in tat I couldn't say in front of Clari lest I make myself look like a possessive dick. Not wanting to at all but knowing it would probably be best to let the husky girl take her own steps forward I moved after Geoff. The guy was usually right and I had no damn idea what I was suppose to do in this situation so I would follow his lead. Though I stayed back enough that I could stay in front of Clarimonde should she need me too. Being met by curious stares from all side just made my fur prickle higher.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The taller boy stepped aside when Michael came closer to me, making it clear that he was relinquishing his blockade position. I almost narrowed my eyes and snapped at him for having even thought he had control over what I do. I had come here by choice, and it was my decision whether I stayed or not. It was my choice whether I lived or not. There was no one who could tell anyone what to do. We thought what we wanted. Thrived where we wanted. Lived when we wanted. The sheepish way he looked away from us when Michael touched my side and whispered a reassurance said he had been only giving the man the time to make me come to a different decision.

The right one.

It is an objective term that I normally hated, but I thought that maybe this was the right choice. I would come to know these dogs and maybe I could forget about my children--forget about Mahal and Vea Apxn. I could be a new dog here. Bidziil was doing it, and Alonda was, too. They were pushing aside what they were and forgetting it ever existed, so why couldn't I do the same? That's right, there was no reason I couldn't. I had started acting like I had to die, like it was my only option. I was foolish to think there was only one path--as if destinies really exist. I had no fate, there was only what was and what is. It was up to me what will be.

It was with this I let Geoff disapear towards camp and Michael followed slowly behind. The white dog's eyes followed after Michael for a few seconds before dropping down to me. The man smelled more strongly of my brother than Geoff did, and this I found odd. "Are you Gavin?" The boy seemed to be taken aback by the curious tone I held, seeing as it was a great deal more solid than what he had heard come from me a moment before. Questions, detective work, it was what I knew how to do. He nodded weakly. "Thought so. You Michael's boyfriend?" His eyes widened slightly and I could see him trying to decide whether to be surprised I knew or not. Was it supposed to be a secret? "I just figured. The way Michael said your name earlier suggested--"

"He mentioned me? To you?" There was an earnest surprise there and I couldn't help but note that maybe I wasn't the only one with a habit of thinking everyone loves everyone else more than they love me. Clearly this boy had just assumed by our contact that we were either siblings, or old partners. Our scent threw out the siblings idea, so that had left the man questioning his own relationship with the boy. I couldn’t help but smile sympathetically. I knew what it was like to always question your worth in the eyes of others. What Gavin failed to realize is Michael knew that feeling, too, and would never put him through it.

“His mother raised me. He is my brother. No blood relation needed.” He blinked at me a couple times as my words sunk in. Maybe I was exaggerating it by saying she had raised me. I had been a reasonable age when my father had been killed and I had been forced to join the pack or die. But I didn’t want the man to always hold that doubt. I would not be the cause of those kinds of questions, or the reason for that kind of rift forming between two lovers. This was one reason why I had needed to escape. It was not all selfish intentions leading me first to my death, and now to this pack. I had not wanted to grow so desperate that I wedge myself between Mahal and Logan. That would never make him love me, and all it would do is destroy what they had.

Gavin walked beside me as I leaped after Michael. I pushed into one side and Gavin slid into his other. This was what Michael wanted most, someone he could protect. I could provide that for him, which Gavin gave him the love he deserved. Of course I envied what these two shared, but I did not envy who it was with. I was not a girl that fell for every guy. I loved one man, and it was only after countless physical and mental wars that I was put into a position where I could love him. It would take a life time for someone else to mean that same thing to me. I was going to be without a mate forever, but suddenly that didn’t seem to bother me so much. I could have friends here, and that was just as good. Maybe I could some day prove to myself that it wasn’t my fault my children were dead. Or maybe that bullet would remain lodged in my heart forever. Either way, I could live. I had a chance now.

The trees broke into a semi-cleared grove and I stopped sharply at the edge. I had heard the shrill calls of children, and the countless voices of men, but still the sight took me off guard. The first to really respond was a pittish-looking boy with much too big a smile. He bounded over shouting something about having been looking everywhere for some Vav figure because there was a hole to explore that his head was too big for and Burnie had said he couldn’t make Barbara go in. I decided ‘Vav’ was Gavin’s nickname, because it was him who responded, though not on topic with the brindle youth. He rolled his eyes and nodded his head towards me, introducing the teen as ‘Ray’. I barely dipped my head before a long-furred golden child was standing on her tip-toes to have eyes leveled with my down-angled snout. “I’m Barbara! You must be Michael’s sister--y’know, because you’re a husky!” A black and tan child, smaller than the rest, approached slowly, rolling his eyes but keeping them trained cautiously on me.

“Use your nose, Barbs, this girl isn’t Michael’s sister.” Barbara turned on the smaller child and cuffed him over the ears, playfully telling him to respect his elders. I found my breath catching in my throat as I took a step backwards and leaned further into Michael. Too many dogs. No, wait, the children, that was what had my stomach all twisted. The very sight of them left my face twisted into a stone-like mask, though my heart beat a mile per minute. Would I never be able to look at a child again without being reminded that I had failed my own? Or was I afraid I wouldn’t be enough to protect these children? I didn’t need to protect them! They have their own pack! But it wasn’t enough. Somehow they would get hurt and it would be because of me.

“Back off, you gremlins, you’re scaring the girl!” Another long-furred golden dog approached, one that looked simply like a much larger version of Barbara. His tone was heated mildly and Ray ushered Barbara and the smaller child back. The smaller one looked sheepish, but Barbara didn’t even seem like she noticed she had just been scolded, and then pushed away. I peaked over Michael’s back and noted a massive looking man hovering towards the back of the crowd, face vacant. There was another child hovering near him, looking on with badly guarded curiosity. “Can I ask who your friend is?” The voice that had just been stern was now so very gentle as it directed at Michael. He was standing several feet away and being careful not to look at me.

A coward. I was a bloody coward.

[I L Y I C H]

I perked my ears at Barbara, ready to agree before Miles spoke up and I frowned. Yeah I guess he was right but damn just because our blood was different didn't mean we weren't related. It was Jack who stepped forward and corrected the kid in response to what I was sure was a frown on my face. "Are you related to your sister, Miles?" Jack had a way of speaking that made him sound more fatherly then condescending as that same phrase would have sounded pooling off of my own tongue. Well at least it didn't sound that way to me but Skoll knew Miles was still touchy as all hell. Not that I could blame him at all. Fuck I had been touchy too for a while. Eyes flicking over the black and tan boy's back to Jack and finally back to Clari I smiled meekly. It was totally out of character for me, but I was trying to keep from shaking apart with both concern and excitement.

Kerry came up more slowly, looking at me closely before he apparently decided my friend hadn't hurt me after all. At that point the three legged hound lost any inhibition and walked right up to seat himself slightly beside Clari, his missing leg making him awkward as he shuffled to find a comfortable way to hold his front half up. Puffing up his chest importantly the little merle pup looked up with a frown. Obviously trying to front Burnie but not realizing that the old man was referring to everyone. Kara was grimacing at him before turning back towards Ryan, a question I couldn't quite read on her face. But by then I could see the problem. So soon after, and it had to have been horrifically recently. And now here she was standing uncomfortably in a small clearing full of old men and children. So many children. Stepping to the side I dropped my snout to whisper in the abandoned mother's ear pitching my voice as low as possible to avoid being heard.

"They're all orphans, or might as well be." Cutting orange eyes back towards Kerry who was grinning at Kara who had stood up to move a bit closer. The lot of them knew how Clari felt in the opposite manor. Where her children had been torn away from my precious sister their mothers had been ripped away from them. Maybe it wasn't the same thing but it still hurt. Still left you feeling so ready to die, even if you didn't really want to go. It was a connection. Looking at Burnie I huffed thinking it was rather obvious who my fellow half breed was, before I remembered that Burnie wasn't here for Bidziil's appearance. Flicking my tail somewhat crossly under the embarrassment of having the entirety of the office staring at me I grimaced. "This is Clarimonde like you fuck heads don't know that already. Come on Sis, it's warmer over here."

Stalking awkwardly away to the more open sunny bits of the clearing I all but collapsed on my side. She'd swum from shore to rock and back again. Clari had to be exhausted or at least cold. I'd walked only from the office to the shore and back and I was tired. Maybe it was more emotional then physically, though i didn't think I'd eaten yet so it was probably both. I could see Geoff waving everyone away in an attempt to keep the calm and the peace before he came over to join us. That massive gray-brown body settled much easier then mine had, and critical blue eyes passed over me for a moment before he frowned all the harder. "Have you eaten yet today Michael?" Unable to look the man in the eyes and lie I ducked my chin slightly, eyes focusing on the dirt. "Thought so. Off with you before you keel over and I have to drag your ass into the woods." Oh yeah. Of course.

Fucking Geoff. He could have just asked me and besides what if Clari didn't want to stay by herself with him? I mean he looked pretty terrifying the first time you saw the guy and I could say that from experience. But he was staring at me expectantly with those heavy brows and his damn crackling voice had demanded despite the kind tease to it. Grimacing I drug myself to my feet, only allowing myself to move off with Geoff continued glaring at me. Even with Clari here I knew I owed it to this man to at least eat in his view every once in a while. He worried. So with a heavy frown I walked painfully sideways in an attempt to move towards food and continue to watch Clari at the same time. Geoff had turned to the husky girl the second I had stared scuttling away. "You look like shit, no offense. Wanna talk about it?" Real fucking smooth Geoff.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I could help but narrow my eyes curiously when the smallest boy, Miles, shrunk away from the man’s question. He glanced quickly to Barbara, whom by the looks of it was the ‘sister’ the unnamed male had spoken of, then turned and pushed his way to the back of the group. I caught a look of quiet embarrassment, perhaps a little bit of hurt, in his eyes as he looked over his shoulder at the adult. I knew that look--the look of a too sensitive child getting scolded by their parent. There was a separate look of shame towards outside adults and parents, and this one was clear. Though, Michael whispered quietly to me and I couldn’t help but let my lips part slightly in surprise. Orphans...I looked after Miles but quickly averted my gave to my feet, watching Kerry in my peripherals as a distraction. I wondered if the unnamed male was aware he had someone he saw him as an honest to Skoll father.

I offered Kerry a soft smile as Michael introduced me crudely. Orphans...then they needed someone to help them--a mother. I looked quickly around the camp and realized all the adults were male. I believed two males could raise a child, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a mother in the equation. I allowed a convoluted prick of guarded purpose leak into my heart--I might still be able to do something good for a child. I would never make up for losing my sons, but maybe I could change the life of a different child. Maybe I could still be loved by someone. I pulled away from Kerry as Michael guided me to some place he claimed would be warmer. It wasn’t until that offer that I started feeling my skin clench and shiver beneath my heavy pelt. It was early in the year and the ocean was still cold from the winter months. Warmth would be nice right about now.

Michael’s introduction settled in after I slowly let myself lay onto the moist earth. How would they all know me? Did Michael speak of me? I found such a thing doubtful, but my heart couldn’t help but skip a beat with the thought. I meant something to someone and perhaps that was all I really wanted in this life. No one wants to be alone, especially not my kind. We all just want to know someone will miss us when we die. Until Michael found me I was doubting anyone would even notice I was gone--I had needed to be reminded I hadn’t always been second best to everyone I knew.

Before I could even consider asking Michael how he had expected everyone to already know me--for my own selfish reasons, I knew, I just wanted to hear him say it--Geoff was there and sending away the only man I really knew here. I watched nervously as Michael scurried off, Gavin hot on his heals. Barbara geared up to race after them but the rottweiler looking male stepped in front of her and shook his head against it. By the looks of his lip movements he asked her to go with him to think up some battle training moves for Miles. The two wandered off to the side of camp and lay down to talk, but I could see Barbara looking after where Gavin and Michael had disappeared to. Ray moved to round up the rest of the children, said something about tag, and shouted out "Joel’s it!" before dashing into the trees. Burnie rolled his eyes and laughed before going and laying towards the edge of camp to watch the game.

This was a home. A family. Maybe...

Geoff spoke to me and my chocolate gaze snapped to him in wide-eyed surprise. I had gotten so lost in my observations I had forgotten the brute was laying near me. I quickly looked away as his words settled in. “I went for a swim. Husky fur and salt-water don’t exactly get along.” I bit down on my tongue, bothered by the rigid tone I used. I didn’t want to seem hostile, but I wasn’t exactly a dog who liked to talk about my feelings and life. “The ocean was supposed to kill me. Stupid thing can’t even get that right.” The words fell past my lips to the soil softly before I could realize I was thinking them. My breathing almost stopped as I stared harshly at the fur on the side of my front leg furthest from the man. I tightened my muscles, prepared for the judgments.

Weak. Pathetic. House dog. Pet. Human toy. “I know, I know. If I were a purebred I wouldn’t be so fucking weak. Well, I am a mutt. A mix-breed. A fucking couch dog. Judge me now and get it over with. Tell me now if you would prefer I leave quietly.” I looked up quickly, eyes desperate, though they held a hint of the flame that flared in my tone. “Just don’t wait two years and then decide I unworthy.”

Don’t give me time to fall in love, and then tear it out from under me. Been there, done that.

[I L Y I C H]

I watched with amusement as my family fell back to their normal behavior, their curiosity sated for now. Kerry went to rush after Ray, almost tripping over himself in his haste. It was Joel who caught him, and the boy looked horrified for a moment before the older man grinned down at him "Doesn't count if no one saw it." The half breed said it like a secret, his broad chest puffing up as he chuckled, closing bright eyes to let Kerry dart off again before he turned to rush head long into the brush after everyone. Kara looked torn for a moment before she turned and followed after Barbara, settling down curiously, ears pressed forward intently. She wanted to learn so badly. Ryan it seemed had begun to relax just a bit. Just a tiny fraction, but Kara was implanting herself into it. Jack stood painfully, his ears folded back, before he turned away from the others to go after Miles, a kind smile and an apology on his lips. Gus stayed right smack where he was, that thick tail of his flicking back and forth at it's end as he watched his folami brother watch the kids play.

Her voice broke me out of my quiet observations in the end, and I looked back into her surprise with my own. Apparently neither of us had expected anyone to actually say shit. I smiled meekly at her, Michael's Clarimonde. He'd spoken of her a bit after we'd demanded he spill when Bidziil had left. The guy'd said she was quick and maybe a bit lost but oh how very clever. There had been pride in his eyes when he'd said it. It made me wonder if Clarimonde knew that. Knew that her brother of sorts spoke of her with such vibrant pride in every hair on his body. Her next sentence led me to believe she did not. Muscles going tense and ears folding back I looked at her sharply. Not meanly, but hell. Dropping shit like that out of nowhere. Expression quickly melting from surprise into concern I leaned my head to the side. "It doesn't work when there are people to make it stop." As horribly young as they had to be. I remembered the look of confusion on my son's face. Remembered his words. Wont that make you sick? I hadn't stopped crying for hours.

My face stayed in the sam position as she went rambling on until the end when i couldn't stop myself anymore. Leaning forward so my muzzle was close to hers I settled as serious an expression on as I could despite the edge of tears in the corner of my eyes. So young. She was so young and she'd been so ready to die. "Look around you. My son is a husky mix just like you. One of my best friends is a Shepherd mutt." Moving slightly backwards I tilted one ear towards Ryan knowing the man was always listening but deciding in the end that maybe it was time that old friend knew something about me I doubted anyone but Gavin was fully aware of. "Kid if you had any idea how many times I tried to die you wouldn't say shit like that." There was nothing weak about it. Nothing was more terrifying then making that final step. Nothing was more singularly wrong feeling while it still felt so god damn perfect and oh the entire idea burned but it was necessary.

"Listen up. You're Michael's sister and that makes you my daughter and a member of this pack automatically do you hear me?" Blue eyes focused on her, warm and determined. "Michael wants you here. I want you here. Fuck, the kids have no idea whats going on and they want you here." Kerry had come to a stop, staring at us brightly for all the world like he wanted to ask us to join in. But Joel ducked out of the trees and bounded towards him and Kerry remembered that this new comer was cold and tired and he ran from the shepherd mix as Joel half stumbled when he took a step too large and pulled his still healing shoulder. Turning my attention back to the smaller woman I frowned heavily at her. "What you are? It doesn't mean shit to us. It's who you are that matters."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The softest of smiles pulled at my lips as my eyes shifted to the shepherd looking dog with his words. The three-legged male had stumbled and no one had laughed at her. Burnie looked away as he had done so, assumingly so the boy would not think anyone saw. There was no judgment here. Michael was a half-breed. That shepherd looking one was a bit smaller so I considered he might be a half-breed. Of course both of them were stronger than me in every way, so there was that I had to fret over. And the three-legged one was pure-blooded and sharp, it looked like, so she was useful. What could I do? Maybe these dogs may be able to look past what I am if I had a skill. Oh great, I am a dog that can read. Lot of use that does us--loads of books scattered around the forest.

My gaze carried over to the rottweiler looking male as he offered a guarded smile to the child that joined him and Barbara. I was surprised to see him shift aside to offer up some of the moss beside him. It was wrong of me, I knew, but I had judged him by the frustrated look he was handing me when I first came. He had been considerate enough not to say a word, but I felt he was not pleased I was here. Or maybe something else was bothering him--I saw him and Gavin meet eyes at one point and he quickly looked away, while Gavin’s expression turned hateful for a split second. Every family has their dramas, and I bit back the urge to take it personally.

Miles caught my attention next. He had been sitting on the very edge of this camp, staring at his feet with a guarded expression, trying to convince everyone he was a child watching the mud ooze between his toes. The male he saw as his father approached him and as his shadow fell over him, Miles looked up slowly, mask falling away as he saw Jack’s smile of apology. Everyone has their weakness’, the one thing that can shatter even their strongest shields--I figured it was safe to assume Miles had difficulty trusting so having been corrected, or scolded (not sure how he had viewed it), even in a playful manner, by the only person he really trusted, had had its negative impact. He offered up a shy smile before saying some apology about being a baby. I couldn’t hide the quick smirk that broke past my expression. It wasn’t every day you come across a kid willing to admit they react childishly.

Eyes focusing back to Geoff, I was surprised by his tone. There was a knowing there, and I couldn’t help but be curious about it. This man was a folami, and suicide was for the weak. He was privileged because of what he was. As smart as I was, I was awfully foolish, I realized. It had been drilled in me all my life that I was lesser because of what I was, and even when I ignored it then, all this time later I was finally letting it sting and affect my self-image so much that I considered pure-blood folami flawless, thus unable to consider suicide and option. I wondered absently who had been in Geoff’s life to stop him. Michael had marched in at just the right moment, and he just so happened to be the most important dog in my life. Who could mean so much to Geoff that he was willing to keep fighting for that person?

I could feel my mood shift slightly and I found myself shuffling my muscles so I could turn to face this dog a little more. This was a good place. Geoff said dogs wanted me here. Could I say that in Vea Apxn? There were dogs that cared about me, but I couldn’t think of anyone who would do more than miss me for a day. They all had someone to focus their heart on--here it seemed that everyone held everyone’s heart equally. Yes, there were mates, but clearly they were good at balancing. Michael and Gavin were mates but Ray was clearly a very active ingredient in at least Gavin’s life, too, if my first experience with the pittish boy was any window into the norm.

His final statement made all this fall away, though, all this quiet glee at having found a home. “Too bad who I am is even worse than what I am.” It came out harshly as my head angled down and the side away from the man. My gaze was narrowed as bile burned up my throat. I needed to get it all out--I could feel every word pushing, fighting, waging war to escape. I had lived a life of wrong choices--knowledge leading me down all the wrong paths. “Love killed my mother. She was the husky. My siblings literally split her apart, and they died in the process. Yeah, sure, that wasn’t my fault. But then afterwards, I made my father relive it day after day, explaining why mom died because I had the knowledge to do so, and no emotion to tell me to shut the fuck up. Know what else? I never told my father I loved him. He spent every second risking everything for me and never once did I let him know I cared. Then one day I asked the wrong dog a question and poof dad is dead and I am running for my life. I killed my father.” My breathing was quick and my voice was low, everything scrambling to get its place in line. “Then I joined Vea Apxn and met Michael and his mother. I took from them and never said thank you. Michael and I were in a constant war against the pack and yes, we defended each other harshly. But know something? I didn’t care that they judged me. I didn’t know how because I thought I was top dog because I could read a fucking book. When Michael protected me, he was sacrificing his own hide. When I did it, it was just because I thought the judgments were irrational. It tore Michael apart, but I never noticed. Never cared. I took his and his mother’s kindness and wiped my ass with it. Then he left and I had the audacity to be offended for a while. I don’t blame them. The pack was cruel and I was the world’s shittiest friend. I should have went after them and joined them, but I was too stupid to realize my time of ignorance could only go so long.”

My eyes shifted to where Michael had disappeared into the trees. I had never truly thanked him for all he and his mother had done for me. I made a mental note to do that, and I just hoped it didn’t get lost in the frenzy. “Then, another brilliant display of me being a moron. I had one other friend in the world, Mahal. Suddenly the pack splits and I choose against Mahal and his mother because I think the other side is stronger and more apt to survive. Silly me forgot that the other side was also the side where all the dogs thought I was scum because of my breed. So I was alone and for the first time it hurt like hell. I blamed everyone around me, not able to comprhend that I had made a bad decision, been wrong about something.” The word fell off my tongue like venom. That had been my worst fear for so long, being incorrect about anything. It wasn’t anymore, but it was still high up on my list. “During training, though, Mahal made it clear he held no grudges. I switched sides and you know the weird thing? I actually let myself grow close to Mahal, perhaps I even fell in love with him. Ah, but who would love the heartless mix-breed? He fell in love with another man. And after all I had done in my life I had the nerve to be surprised, and even hurt. As if I thought because emotions were new to me, people should take it easy on me and just give into whatever my heart wants. I got angry. So angry. I thought Mahal had abandoned me, but I now realize I had walked away from him.” My anger faded out with each word, voice getting softer. “I guess I deserved to be raped. It was my punishment for all the wrongs I had done.” Almost silent now. I knew I had to say the next part, it would fall out of me at the wrong time if I didn’t, but the memories were still fresh. Only a couple days had passed, and my emotions were still raw.

I laid my head down in the dirt and my body just deflated. “I was pregnant by the seed of an evil folami. The children would kill me, I knew. The man had been large and I am purely husky in size. I was prepared. I had set up a plan that would allow my children to be found and cared for by another pregnant female in Vea Apxn.” Softer still. “But because of what I am the children were born too early. The largest of the two was already dead, but my smaller son was alive. He died a few moments after, knowing his mother was too useless to be able to save him.” Without lifting my head, I flicked sad chocolate eyes open to towards the male. “So judge me for who I am, a monster my entire life, but also judge me for what I am, a mother who was too much a pet to save her own children.”

Tell me now that you want me here and I will know you are lying.

[I L Y I C H]

What could a guy do but sit still and listen. Feel the biting compassion at his heart strings and wait in silence. Story time was silent time, after all and it wasn't my place to interrupt. I could only watch in sympathetic horror as she spoke and lost more and more of her composure as her tongue kept moving. This little husky girl was so young. So young and so broken and I remembered how it felt to be young and broken. I remembered acutely how dark my mind had become. A black bird flying through the indigo sky. Ears back I closed my eyes and payed attention. Settling down the notes and putting it all to mind. I wouldn't forget. No one should be left alone, and as Michael had broken down and told me everything as I was sure he had done for Gavin, so I too took down Clarimonde's pains. I was the leader of this pack and I existed for the sole purpose of keeping them loved. Everyone deserved to be loved, and it was a very meager thing in this woman's life it seemed. The very idea made my heart seize sadly.

"If I judged you for any of that I would have to judge my ass too." Pale blue eyes turned slightly, focusing on Jack for an instant as he turned and asked Miles if he wanted to go hunt rabbits for Burnie. The past seemed so far away most of the time. Lost before the sun I had found and tapped to my tool belt. But then again the sunlight couldn't block out everything and as much as I loved my Achievement hunters I had loved before them. So be it. Sharing wasn't my forte but hey, fuck it. It was all drunk emotion time and sharing seemed to always come along with drinking even when there wasn't any alcohol available. "When I was young I thought I was better then them all." Words tumbled out of my silver jaws as I turned my baby blues back to Clarimonde's face. "I was a true folami. Born out of a test tube for all it fucking mattered back then." So long ago that had been. I couldn't remember what my mother looked like, but I thought she might have loved me. Might have cried when I was taken away from her.

"I was never a good dog though. They had to beat me to make me sink my teeth into those dumb fucks around me." But I'd done it in the end. Found some perverse joy in fighting them to the ground. I was an arrogant son of a bitch. And I'd thought being good natured had helped my reputation. Thought me being a joker would make up for my displays of arrogance and cruelty to those weaker then me. "And gods I liked it. I hated hurting people, but damn if I didn't like shoving their faces into the dirt." All those times smaller dogs curled their lips at me and said I was nothing because I was soft. How perfect it had been to see them collapsed and yielding before me. Brilliant really. And I'd thought they deserved to be humiliated for humiliating me. "I was a hypocrite and a bully." Such a conflicted time that was. Thinking about it made me nauseous. I'd been a total prick. An asshole of epic proportions. But the story got happier from there. Less conceded. "We were let out of the facility, five of us, to go deal with a pride of lions miles to the south who were causing troubles."

My eyes closed slowly, knowing pain had begun to spool onto my face. The next phase would be obvious to the husky girl. Smart as she was? We were in a camp full of men and children. "There was this one girl" I breathed what should be an awkward sentence with so much love I almost choked myself. My Griffon. My poor Griffon. "We hit it off I guess. Fell head over heels for each other and we fucking split. Neither of us were very much happy about the whole murder thing." Hardness settled on me as I opened my eyes again, looking at the husky girl. How did it feel, I wondered, to be left behind by a man you loved? I would assume thats what happened with Mahal for her to be here. What would I have done if Griffon hadn't loved me back? Had found someone else? I'd probably have run off too. Though I guess me getting raped wouldn't have the same horrific consequences. "We ran into that lion pride, and dear Skoll they were so fucking nice. They let us stay with them and when the lot of us managed to chase the other three back to the facility they called us brother and sister."

I missed those fuckers. I missed them so much sometimes, my friends who I had left behind because I couldn't look at them and not think of my precious family. Because they had saved my life when all I had wanted was to die. "Our daughter was born a year later. She was so small, Clarimonde. It was like watching over a tiny rabbit too brave for it's own good." Those bright eyes. I could still see them in the darkness when I slept. Could still see the curiosity and the playfulness. I could still see the fear too. "Of course no ones allowed to be fucking happy for any amount of time. Those fuckers came back, of course they did. They came back and we weren't ready for them and-" Biting down on my tongue I cast a sharp look around making sure no one else was close enough. I didn't want them to know. I didn't want anyone to know how fucking weak I was but Clari had shared and it was my turn. "I couldn't do anything but scream when they tore her throat out. I still don't know how my daughter was killed. One of my feline friends drug me away to save my life and I still wish he hadn't."

"I guess that makes us both pets" I whispered, smile tightening on one side before I let it drop away meekly. "I couldn't protect my family either. I couldn't find their bodies either." Never had I found anything but blood on the ground. I'd not been able to bury them. I'd never seen them again. Swallowing my spit in a too dry mouth I stared down at the woman's black and white face. "I would have died for them but I couldn't. I wasn't allowed to I guess. Fucking lions, man. I left them after. When they were safe again. Not that it fucking helped my ass got hit by a car days later." I'd been so scared sprawled out on the pavement. Terrified that I would live and be forced back into human hands, and I'd learned so quickly that human hands were vicious and cruel. But when I woke from the black pain I woke in a house with my body bandage and kind faces looking down at me. "The old humans driving that car saved my life and took me home with them and I hated them for it for so long."

Dear Skoll I had hated them. Hated them for saving my life when all I wanted to do was die. Hated them for not letting me swallow all of the poisons I had tried to ingest as time went on. Hated them for making me less sick at heart. Hated them for their soft smiles and gentle caresses. "They brought in another folami a while later, after I'd learned to hate loving them." Nodding after the white folami and Clari's brother I grimaced slightly. "Gavin was just a six month old pup then. I hated him at first too. I couldn't look at him and not see my daughter. But it didn't matter. When Gavin likes someone he doesn't just let them away from him." That stupid british prick had saved my life all over again. Saved my soul. Called be dad and let me hold him when I was scared of loosing it all again. Now he had his own love and I smiled proudly at the thought, shaking my head lightly. "We left, obviously, for my wanderlust. Found all these dumb shits over time and made us up a pack of misfits and puppies." Chuckling bleakly under my breath I leaned forward slightly.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is it gets better somehow. It'll never hurt any less and you'll always have that little voice in the corner whispering, but it gets better. You get distracted and Skoll I hated myself when I forgot my pain the first time. I was so guilty." Glancing around myself at my family I felt my smile settle into something soft and warm. Joel was pouncing towards Ray, making attempts to get as much spit on the other man's face as possible it seemed. Kerry had shot up behind, trying to trip the both of them and just getting tangled up in the shepherd's paws as Joel fell over. "But I learned how to love the people around me again. Maybe forgive myself a tiny bit. I mean fuck, they love me so I can't be all that bad right? And Michael loves you so it's the same idea really."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

It was hard to imagine someone could hurt as much as I did, could have lived through the same kinds of pain. Geoff and had two different lives, but the emotions to go with it was all the same. I was a monster throughout my entire childhood and now I had to live with that guilt. Geoff was a monster in a different form and that would haunt him forever. He found love and so had I. Before Logan lost Evangeline I had thought I might actually have a shot at happiness by Mahal’s side, so I was content. Geoff had that love stripped from him with death, and mine was through not being good enough. Then we had both lost our children because we were not strong enough. I shifted a little closer to the man, head still resting in the dirt, chocolate eyes sitting guardedly on his own expressions. I looked away briefly to rekindle some of my comfort in this pack. Miles had climbed to his paws at Jack’s suggestion and eagerly accepted, saying he had never hunted anything bigger than a frog and he would so love to learn. Ray had thrown himself onto his back in his effort to dodge the tumble of paws that was Joel and Kerry, all the while flailing his legs towards his face to wipe away the saliva Joel had planted there, trying to catch his breath through violent roars of laughter.

I turned my gaze back to Geoff and offered him a cautious smile after watching him a second longer than was probably needed. “I hope I am not being too intrusive but, why? Why love again after all the pain it has given you?” The smile had faded slowly as the words fell past my lips, but I wasn’t tumbling back to depression. Not yet. I needed an answer to the only question I had never asked. What made love worth it? My early life I was a monster, but I wasn’t unhappy or in agony every second I breathed. Ever since I started to let myself fall into the irrational set of heated emotions, my life had been down hill. “There was never a book that explained to me why people loved, just said that they did. I know hormones are responsible for the urges, but I am not so far lost in the science of it all that I am blind to the fact that it goes deeper than even that. Hormones don’t explain why one is willing to die to save someone they love, or why they cry when they die. I’m sorry, I just...I don’t know if I understand it, and all my experiences have taught me love is, well...bad.” My voice was soft, unsure now. I tried to play it off to my inquisitive nature, but it was clear I needed to be assured ‘the heart’ is something worth fighting for. I was willing to die for my children, and losing them had left me even wanting death. The fact that I didn’t know why it affected me so harshly unnerved me. Rather pathetic, I knew, but I couldn’t stop the questions from falling past my lips. "Was it worth it to you?"

I just needed Geoff to assure me the fight isn’t hopeless. There is a light at the end of every tunnel. That all this wasn’t just something to pass the time until we die.

[I L Y I C H]

Eyes and ears followed her's as we both watched the life swirling around us. Things I supposed neither of us really thought we deserved to be a part of. Jack smiled warmly down at his charge, that lean muzzle turning towards the east as he began to walk speaking softly about the way rabbits ran. Joel had all but slammed his front paws into the ground in a desperate attempt to throw himself on top of Ray in revenge. Though I assumed it was also to avoid landing on Kerry who had rolled right underneath the flailing shepherd. Which just led to the mutt returning to coating the poor kid's face in as much spit as he could all but ignoring the paws windmilling. Honestly. Those two worried me a small fraction, mostly because of how childish Ray was, and how neurotic his apparent boyfriend could be. I worried they would hurt each other, but it was times like these that elevated those fears. It was rare to hear that wheezing laughter slam out of Joel as it was. Normally they were just chuckles.

Kerry had scrambled back to his feet quickly, too use to falling over to not be proficient at flinging himself back to his paws. The merle boy hoped awkwardly forward, laughing as he tried to hold Ray down. Playing the game Joel had started with gusto. Poor X-Ray. And no Vav to save him. Letting out a small giggle I turned warm blue eyes back to the husky girl beside me. "I dont have a single clue. These dicks wouldn't let me not I guess." Shoulders rolling I looked back to my large family. We weren't a pack. Everyone called each other siblings or parents or kids. We were a god damn family and as much as it burned me to think that maybe I had replaced my old one I knew I hadn't. Ears tuned to the womans voice I looked at her seriously for a long moment before popping a smile back onto my lips. I couldn't fight it. Dammit my life sucked in the past but it didn't know and I had no idea when that transition happened. Still in the night I heard the screams and their voices but now the pain was gone. Even thinking about it only made me quietly nostalgic. Gods I missed them but I had come to accept that there wasn't anything I could do.

I would always miss them. I would always love them with all of my heart and soul but I knew how to give my heart to others now. I'd learned through watching. Through existing. Maybe it was corny but time really did heal all wounds. "It got easier" I agreed softly, tail shifting behind me lightly. "Gavin's stupid jokes distracted me. Jack's stupid demeanor drew me away." I nodded to them all, watching with curious eyes as a disgruntled Michael skulked back into the office a heavy pigeon grasped in his jaws while those brilliant copper eyes locked curiously on the dog pile that was Ray, Joel and Kerry. "They fixed me over time I guess. Stuck themselves around all the missing bits in me. Fuck those bits are still missing but it's warmer ya know?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Seemed as if Ray lost the battle. He was letting the three-legged boy hold him down while Joel continued to laugh and slobber all over his face. It was a curious thing and I read it as maybe two men were to each other what Michael and Gavin were, or Mahal and Logan were. I couldn’t help but find some pleasure in the thought. Even as recent as my childhood such things as two men or two women together were frowned upon. It was a trait I knew was common in the human world, and I guess it just carried over to the folami mindset. I had never understood the repulsion at the idea. With how little sense love made, how could anyone squeeze rules and guidelines into it? Even the most strict of humans and folami knew there was no controlling who you fell in love with, yet they had the nerve to be upset when a relationship didn’t fit their thin line or ‘normalcy’. It was reasurring to be part of the time period where the shift began to allow love to be enough of a justification. Maybe I didn’t understand the emotion, but I was beginning to learn just how strong of one it was, and how deadly being denied it was. How many dogs had died without love because the one their heart chose was not acceptable by societies standards? How many humans? It made me dizzy even just thinking about it.

My gaze carried back to Geoff once more, having been put back into a comfortable state of mind by the image of the wrestling match taking place not even twenty feet away. If the world could pick itself up and move on from all the years of injustice and heartbreak it had to go through for love to be enough, then surely I could dust myself off from this little stumble. Perhaps my past was not something many could find a thing to envy in, but I didn’t need to let it shape me. Even logic said the past is only that, and it has nothing to do with the present or future. My ear flicked over to the sound of Michael’s pawsteps, and I turned my head to watch my brother carry his pigeon in. As he paused and looked quizzically at the tumble of fur going on in the middle of camp, Gavin came up beside him with his own kill--a meager weasel. Even folami were flawed--they don’t always catch the biggest prey, or anything at all. They don’t win every war, or always make the best choices. They aren’t always strong enough to stand on their own two feet. I looked back to Geoff for a second as I added that last thought in. Folami aren’t always perfect, even if they are created by computers and test tubes. I heard Gavin call out Barbara’s name and turned my gaze to see him nudge Michael affectionately before meeting the overly-eager girl halfway and pushing the weasel towards her with a look of apology in his eyes. He purred something about not having been the most welcoming dog to her, then offered to share his catch. The two found a mossy patch to eat the weasel, Ryan’s gaze sitting heavily on them for a moment (I don’t recall hearing Barbara even dismissing herself, just getting up and leaving) before turning kind eyes down to Kara and chuckling something about her having to be his new spokesman.

I looked to Geoff and shook my head slowly in response. “No, I don’t know.” I looked back to Michael and let a small smile begin to etch itself softly on my expression. “But I am ready to learn.”