Parole [aw]

[I L Y I C H]

Small wonders happened everyday but this wasn't quiet what I had assumed would happen. Not that we ever had the real luck with such things. At some point I would learn. At some point. What panic I had was gone now, evaporated into blank annoyance. Concern. Things were different now I knew, but that didn't lessen the anxiety. Or I supposed the level of riotous fury bubbling in the back of my skull. Again. I'd let it happen again. Like that first attempt had ended well at all. Maybe calling it an attempt was stupid. It had after all been a total and complete accident. Again. Another accident. I didn't know very much about what went on in Bidziil's thick skull but I wasn't one to believe in happy accidents. Not to sound vicious or hateful. I adored my children. But they had dealt with too much because of the lack of happy accidents.

Bidziil may have changed but I did not know how much. I had no way of seeing into that heavy mind. Who knew what the man's reactions would be this time around? They had been less desirable the first time and under much less stress. Ah but I supposed there wasn't the same kind of stress. That aside our relationship was stronger now. Heavier then chains. Maybe that was a bad metaphor. Paws striking against the damp desert dust I made my way towards the woods. I could smell them all, their scents blending into the dry earth. It was odd. I'd thought to never return to this place. It had been years, after all. And the weight of history sat on my heavily. As many years as had past I couldn't shake off the worry. Anxiety was a calling to me, it seemed. Two years sense I had set paw on the dusty barren land I had fought for so many years prior. This was my home, lost behind me.

The thought just made my paws harder and my heart heavier. It wasn't that I didn't trust Bidziil. Times were different. It was that I didn't trust the times ahead of us. Dangerous times were coming. Human filled times and the idea put a nasty taste on my tongue. So much trouble had come from it and the thoughts spilling around between my ears didn't make those fears go away. Who wanted to bring children into such a world? Well us apparently. We'd done it once already with varying level of success. So why not again? Fuck it all it just made so much damn sense. So I stalked painfully slowly into their lands. Into my old lands and reminisced in what part of my brain wasn't utterly lost to anxiety.

I didn't expect much of a welcome as I swept into the same old place, unchanged as it was from those years ago. Didn't expect much notice. Just another folami skulking silently into camp. Of course that was not what happened. This was not old times and I was not some old dog. Eyes turned to me as I walked proudly into camp, refusing to betray any reaction to either my own worry or the abrupt scent of worry in the air around me. These dogs knew an alpha when they saw one, even if I was not their own. They knew better then to attack my upturned chin and hard stare. I wasn't hear to grumble and growl with them after all, ands harp tawny eyes cut across one inky form amusingly my volatile nature demanding me make the lack of Bidziil within camp entiely Nimrod's fault.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My paws were kicking up hardened clay as I pushed my way around the canyon's rim. It had began as a prick in my stomach, a little voice tell me to turn back towards home. Well, camp. My home was towards the prairie. Or maybe in that little known clearing in the Far Woods. Anywhere but the place I slept--home is where you felt safe, warm, felt as if you belonged. My camp provided no such things. Everywhere was home to me except there. Which I suppose was why I had been wandering off our lands in the first place.

A, but I had learned long ago not to ignore instincts when they work so persistently. That annoying little jabbing feeling in my ribs had evolved into a heavy pressure in my chest. I felt myself turning towards my own lands before I had made the decision to do so. Something was wrong at camp and as much as I said I hated my pack, I loved them. Damn the world if it thought I would let something hurt anyone under my care. Tamriel and the children were there, for crying out loud. What kind of alpha would I be if I allowed harm to them after swearing protection? What kind of father?

They all know you're a shitty father already, Bidziil, why ruin the reputation?

I physically shook away the thoughts, fire erupting in my gut at all the memories. I could still see the hate guarded behind Alonda's soldier facade as she saluted me when I snarled her into obedience upon my return. The saddness behind the careful smile on Mahal's maw the moment I said I would try. I now understood why it had hurt him--I shouldn't have had to try. I was a father, it should have been natural to put him first. I don't blame Alonda for hating me. I don't blame Cenzulome and Ekshen for running from the world. I don't blame Mahal for always having sorrow in his gaze when it drifts over to me. I should have been a hero for them, and instead I had become their villian.

I stopped sharply on the pine littered floor. Camp was close now, time having escaped as my thoughts flooded uncontrolled. My snout angled towards camp, focused on the scent in the air. It was Carska. There was no threat to my pack. I cringed, knowing she could very well be the one in danger. I perked my ears and caught Nimrod's heavy shuffling as he worked to avoid the woman by coralling Brian (whom he had been assessing when I first left) back over to Theodora and her nephew. The childish lad's own steps were light and a bit unsteady--jittery and energenic as always. Nimrod said nothing as he dismissed the teen and moved awkwardly towards the camp's center. I had half a mind to let the brute talk to her a moment, knowing he would do so out of second in command obligations, but would rather burn his fur off with fire than do so. Even having a mate now did not heal all wounds--the man had loved Carska, and he had tried to kill her and Alonda. Not to mention Val had fought against him. I could not help but feel sorry for him in the smallest way--Val working against him had gouged a crevice in his heart no amount of sex or loyalties will ever fill.

I twitched and broke into camp roughly before the brute could say a word, however. I watched his chocolate gaze snap to me as he came within a leap's distance of the woman, relief flooding over his tense form. He backed up a step to offer (a bit grudgingly, the man was not fond of mine and Carska's more than political alliance) a spot to me. I did not take it like he would have expected, though. I instead marched over with a guarded expression and nodded him away before turning to Carska. I knew this scent. The smallest bit of masculine pride pushed the faintest dirty smirk onto my paw before I could swallow it back into neutral. I still got it. I felt Nimrod's confusion at why I wanted him away from us, but he walked away with dignity, pushing out of camp to undoubtly pout by himself that he was not allowed in on all things.

"You're expecting? Have you been eating enough? How long did it take last time? Do you know how many? Genders? What should we name them?" Once Nimrod exiting camp my face broke into an anxiously gleeful grin as I spit a million questions in a school-girl tone. I was going to be a father again!

I was getting a second chance!

[I L Y I C H]

I saw that smirk press aside the bastard's lips, and I frowned at him in response. Denying any influence it had on me in any form. One of us had to be serious. Had to hold up the little bit of worry, or so I tried to pretend. Seriousness could wait. Tail giving one swift flick behind me I kept my serious expression until Nimrod had been brushed away. It broke far too quickly. Shattered into a million little pieces as I shared the ebony man's enthusiasm; tail making a swift cutting motion behind the rest of my body. Enthusiastic questions all but bounced off of me as I half stepped towards Bidziil. "Will you shut up for two seconds so I can answer you?" Laughing slightly I settled back on my haunches enough to look up at the gleeful gleam in my mate's eyes. I'd not expected this. I'd not expected this at all and it lit up the certainty in my stomach.

"Yes and yes to start off with, dear skoll." Huffing in an attempt to appear cross I gave the man a quick glance. Almost shy. I'd expected something less drastic then our previous experience. I definitely found myself being swept up in it. There was no stepping away. "I didn't say anything last time until I had maybe a month left." For obvious reasons. I wasn't quiet as terrified this time. I didn't have a reason to. Building up my courage to come out here had taken me longer then it should have anyway. All for naught it would seem. My fears were lacking truth now. Simple paranoia, like it was all those years ago when I was still young and childish. Simple paranoia with no foundation or basis. The human based worries were waved away rapidly against Bidziil's loud enthusiasm and I settled into a proud grin.

"How am I suppose to know any of that? I can't look into my self, Bidziil, as much as I would love to." Rolling my eyes I settled happily back into excitement. Shrugging away the anxiety. "I'm pretty sure it took three or so months last time." I added as an after thought, having been drug into the stupidity of his previous questions. Poor man just didn't know what was going on with himself, let alone the process that my body was going through currently. Hell I wasn't entirely certain of it and I'd had to deal with it before. Only one time before, though, so I would claim amnesty.

Names... I didn't really have any. It had really just been panic for some time. ears ticking backwards slightly I put on a slightly more serious expression. This was after all a name these children would carry with them there entire lives. "I didn't really get that far... yet." I'd been focused on having constant panic attacks. "Um... do you...?" Shuffling my paws I tipped my head to Bidziil. Curious. He looked so damn excited. Waving a pretty herring in front of his nose was too hard to resist. Besides these were his children. I'd all but claimed their naming the previous time. He'd missed out on all but Mahal. I supposed the openness of our relationship now allowed for quiet a bit more then what showed previously. "I mean we're in this together right? Might as well discuss it now. Why else would I be here? I could always have just traumatized poor Fido. It would have all but died trying to get the news to you."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I leaned in close, eyes narrowed but maw twisted into an excited grin, waiting for any answers she could give. I couldn’t help but hang onto her every word like a child getting told the secrets of the world. This was the first time I could be a daddy. I had been a father before, the second half in the creation of the physical form, but this time I was determined to be something more than just the second chromosome to these children. I wanted to be to these children what Mahal had always tried to bring out in me before. The guardian. The hero. The one who would die just to see their smiles. Any man could be a father, it took someone special to be a daddy.

Okay, so we still had some time. I would have to send Carska home alone, but I would think it would take no more than a week to arrange for an extended absence here in the pack. I would be gone for multiple months--first the children had to be born, then I needed to be there for their first steps and words. I could come and check in on occasion, but the pack would have to do without stable leadership from me for even up to a year. I could just go and tell Nimrod and leave, but even that fool deserved some warning. In all reality, I would probably ask that Theodora step up as a temporary Alphess alongside temporary Alpha Nimrod--the soldier would be able to make sure Nimrod doesn’t lead the pack into some human lead battle in my absence. Where Nimrod knows the political side of leading a pack, I could trust Theodora to keep my morals in place.

But I digress. I shuffled myself and pressed my snout against Carska’s cheek once she finished. My poor little Fido; the dog frustrated me with his unquestioning loyalty, but I loved him dearly. The little unsexed canine would quite literally get himself killed if it meant doing an errand for me. I was always careful in what few assignments I gave him, knowing that if there was a risk involved it would go ignored by the fox-like creature, it being unable to fathom failing me. “I shall stand beside you this time, I promise. Give me one week to tie up lose ends and then I am all your’s, baby.” I pulled away my snout and laid a soft expression on Carska’s face, lifting a paw and brushing it gently by her stomach. “Your’s and our children’s.” And damn it all to hell if anyone tried to come between us this time.

At the mention of names one came to mind instantly. “I would love to have a little boy named Irwin.” It came out almost sheepishly as I turned an embarrassed expression to my paws. “As a puppy I watched television with my human. He used to put on a show starring a man named Steve Irwin. The dude was a protector. A guardian. I had thought I would grow up to be like him.” I paused a moment, having faded with my final statement, a little bit of pain tainting my tone. I had disgraced my childhood idol. “Maybe our son, should we have one, can succeed where I failed.” I pulled away from my heavy tone and looked back to my wife, a gentle smile on my maw. The past was the past--these children were our future.

I wanted them to have everything the humans denied us, and I denied Mahal, Alonda, Ekshen, and Cenzulome.

[nEwOL握敵]

I was a wash with content as I dragged the lifeless feline's body in my maw, a leopard who'd had a very unfortunate trip to the gorge. Like every other time, its stomach was cut open, just enough so that I could reach inside its body and claim its heart for my own. This was a tradition more associated with the wolves, I'd supposed. But it had been a rule among us Misfits. Who ever made the kill had to consume the creature's heart. It was something deep rooted in me now after those experiences in the wilderness. I didn't understand the reason why, I just knew that it was required of me.

It didn't matter that I clung to such a tradition. The blood helped to please the humans and more importantly, Nym. So it helped to please me. Little clarity had been allowed me sense returning to this pack. Inarakk wasn't the same anymore, but then again, nether was I. Nym was mine in our private moments, but a piece of him seemed to still be struggling to get over the same way of existence he's known for so long. It was understandable, it was his programming. That's what it all boiled down to, right? After all, it was my own programming that had brought me back to this place. Accept that Mine was much different from his. Still, no rest for the wicked, right?

As I finally breached the clearing though, a scent caused me to freeze where I was. Releasing my kill from my jaws, my head rotated until it fell on her. There she was, before me now, standing with her mate, the Folami that had fathered her children. Carska. Alphess of Vea Apxn. My Alphess. Whom I'd served as Beta, and more. An image flashed to my mind, a memory of past love. An Image of our bodies curled together in the same nest. The scent flooded my nostrils for a second. Then a voice drove itself like a railroad spike through my mind. You Deserting Bitch. I was glued in place, oh how stupid I'd been. I'd left her, I'd left all of Vea Apxn. I was her BETA! She'd trusted me as more then just a pack member and a Ranked. She'd trusted me alot more the that. We'd been an Item. And I'd just left her. I lowered my head, ears pressing back against my skull, in submission to her. I was lost in an instant. I didn't know what to do here. I attempted to move, but only succeeded in lowering my stance so that she stood taller then me. How much did she hate me inside? How much had I destroyed with her? And I knew also that I'd earned every bit of it.

ooc;// nothing fancy, just a decent post. Feel free to stab me if I'm just jumpin' in here which I probably am

[I L Y I C H]

Hope flaring in my chest I smiled warmly into Bidziil's face. There wasn't much else for it. Or to it really. Just hope. Simple maybe, but it had always been a powerful emotion. It would be different this time. I knew that. I promised the children growing in me that much. We had failed our pups before. We had failed them and only just now begun to glue those broken pieces back together. This time would be different. There would be no shattered glass to pick back up. No broken hearts. We would be parents this time. Not guardians. Not silly little kings and queens to princes and princess'. Parents. Ears perked forwards I nodded quietly along, allowing Bidziil to speak and give his reasons. There was sentiment there, which alone prove more then the great beast would know. Even if it was human sentiment. Unfair as that was. i had loved my people in those early carefree days of puppyhood too. Loved and missed what they had been so dearly.

"Irwin?" I tested the sound on my tongue, and finding it settled well nodded enthusiastically. "What about Michelle?" Tawny eyes flicked sheepishly away from Bidziil for a moment before bouncing back. He'd given his reasons. "It was my human mother's name." I'd never known what happened to the woman. I doubted she had had any idea what had become of me, or what her husband did for a living. She saw only the puppies and cared for us as if we had been her own children. Snuck table scraps and bed time cuddles and all. I missed the woman and her soft hands viciously. Wished to see what had become of her though I feared like her son she had been lost to the violence of her species as I had been."Perhaps Brandon as a second boy choice? Daiade had a cage mate named Brandon who he held to a massive esteem." I had no idea what had become of Daiade's Brandon either.

It was the scent of leopard blood that distracted me, one ear flicking lightly as my nostrils flared. A wondering question rifled into my head. I could steal off with a morsel couldn't I? It was difficult to take care of other's sensibilities within my own camp and I did so miss the taste of feline flesh eaten slowly and with gusto. I'd never had anything against the hunting itself. Food was food and we all died. Licking my lips slightly, I turned just enough away from my husband to look to the hunter and, remembering my manors, ask for a share. I was not prepared to focus in on the gray orbs of my missing beta.

Stiffness locked into my muscles. Betrayal slammed into my mind all at once. This. This is what she had done? Where she had gone? Without a word. Up and vanished. A woman I had allowed trust in. We'd been friends. Maybe I had used her comfort for sex once, but I hadn't expected it to change anything. That small snapping of guilt vanished the second I picked Nimrod's scent off the air about the rugged hound. Hatred slammed forward at once and without mercy. Whatever tie of friendship had survived my discovery of Stitch's abandonment vanish in the wind. I could take her leaving. I could take her vanishing without a word as I had done so before. But to come here of all places. To surround herself with that sniveling bug. Eyes sharp as flint I turned a caustic look back to Bidziil and stood harshly. "We can speak of this later. In a more appropriate place."

Realizing my abruptness and how cold I sounded I leaned forward enough to press my snout to Bidziil's. "Sorry love." My voice was low and grounded. Angry at it's roots but apologetic to this man before me. "I wont have this rubbed in my face." My beta had abandoned what she should have considered her family for a pack of snakes and Nimrod. I'd never been more disgusted in my life. But then what did I know of her sensibilities. "I'll see you in a week Bidziil." And with my farewell's given I turned, back soldier straight and marched away. Back to my loyal Vea Apxn.