Everything's Okay [ily]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My toes were curled into the drying soil as I pushed silently through tall grasses. I was low to the ground, moving swiftly as a feline, acting the part of hunter. I wasn’t hunting though, simply avoiding the reason I was out here. I had asked Mahal to join me on a hunt, claimed I had seen a lone buck out on the prairie earlier this day. He had agreed to come and I had said little since we left the camp. I had a serious expression on, not ready to let the man in on the real reason I had brought him out here.

Clarimonde had returned a couple days ago, and things had changed.

I loved Mahal with all my heart, and I knew he loved me, too. But, something I had learned, there are many kinds of love. I had seen Mahal broken during the burial ceremony of Clarimonde’s children. He had lost his own sons that day. I saw him fade to the brink of insanity during her absence. I saw that overwhelming relief when she returned, though there was awkward guilt standing between them. Skoll had said it was okay to love whomever you wanted, but that son of a bitch had been too careful with his words. I had been blinded by desire then, but now I saw he purposely did not tell me that Mahal and I were meant to be--because we weren’t.

I had my shot at that kind of love, now it was time to give Mahal and Clarimonde that same blessing.

I stopped abruptly, not sure how close Mahal was to me but not really caring, either. As much as I knew this was for the best, that didn’t make the sting go away, or the clump in my throat disappear. “Mahal, we need to talk.” My tone was strong and this was why I knew I was right. I was confident in what was about to happen. There was no indecision on my face as I turned to face the man, though I knew the emotion was pricking at the back of my brain. I could return to my father’s footsteps and serve Skoll with my whole being. I would be His and only His, and Mahal and Clarimonde could have what they were destined by our lord to have.

I offered the boy a gentle smile. This wasn’t easy, but nothing worth it ever is.

[I L Y I C H]

Logan had come to me this morning to ask me to join him hunting. Something about a lone buck, I'd been slightly distracted at the time trying to process everything that had occurred in the last few days. I'd not stopped processing sense I'd seen Clari and her adoptive siblings walking over the border. It was horrible of me I knew, and that was the reason why I accepted so readily. All smiles. I'd not been spending the time with Logan that I should have these last couple of weeks because I had been in a state of utter panic. It wasn't fair to him. I wasn't sure how long we'd been out in search of Logan's lone buck, but the sun had lifted farther up in the sky with no sign of the cloven hoofed creature we looked for now. But that wasn't all that rare. The grass was very good at swallowing up the tastiest looking morsels we could find before we'd so much as caught their scent.

But that aside I found it odd that Logan hadn't said very much sense we'd gotten on our way. It was unlike him. Not that I could really blame him if he was upset with me. Entirely my fault as per usual. Never the less with my ever sense focused on trying to locate the scuff of antlers or a hint of musk in the air I was not prepared for the ebony man to stand. Looking up at him in surprise from my crouched position I raised myself slowly. Confused. Ears slightly backwards they pulled forward slowly. Almost painfully. Yup. I knew it. Smiling meekly I ducked my head.

Yeah I knew we needed to talk. I'd been denying Logan the comfort that was the purpose of our relationship. Been sucked up into loosing my oldest friend. Been sucked into thinking she had killed herself. No matter how horrified and ill I had been Logan still deserved more then what I had given him. He would always deserve more then what I gave him, but I'd focused less on my mate then I should ever have. So I sucked up my pride and the way I wanted to spit out that I'd had stuff I needed to do and met Logan's eyes abashedly. Knowing I was in the wrong here.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The boy stood at attention and the guilt in his eyes was clear. It made my stomach flip. I wanted to reassure him this wasn’t his fault, because I knew that to be true. But that wasn’t what we needed to talk about and the longer I danced around it, the harder it would be to find the words. I could already feel myself getting lost in the eyes of my mate. I pushed forward, touching noses with the man I so loved, closing my eyes and just standing there with a gentle smile, relishing in what I knew to be my last show of affection as Mahal’s lover. After this, if he’d have me, I would be his friend. His comrade. His brother. That was all Skoll expected of us. It was Clarimonde that deserved this man more than any other. After all she had been through for being denied her destiny, it was her right. I knew Mahal loved her in the way he should. Only that kind of love can drive a man insane. I had clung to what isn’t there for too long, and in doing so two souls had been tattered. Skoll preached for a selfless life, and I was finally prepared to hear his call.

I pulled away slowly, eyes flickering open as I did so, meeting his face in a new light. The desire in my gut faded. This man was not my lover, however much I did love him. It had been an illusion my mind had created when I needed it most. My mourning for Evangeline would never pass, but I was ready to stand on my own two feet again. Losing the love of my life had left me weak--I won’t say I hadn’t needed to lean on Mahal. It was part of our fates to rely on each other--I had merely read the signs wrong. I had clung to the wrong branch of love. It had healed me, but at the sacrifice of others. I was done draining life from others just so I could find my way. I looked to the clouds slowly, eyes grazing over the sky with adoration. My mate was up there, watching, and I could feel her smile. I was no longer a little boy.

Evangeline had always been too old for me, forced to grow up too soon. Now I saw the world how she had--and I could feel her pride as I matured.

“Your heart sits in the paws of another, Mahal, and it is time I respect that.” I looked back to the younger male, gaze affectionate though my lips were not smiling. This was the right thing to do and I could feel my way being guided, but that didn’t make a break-up less of a break-up. “You have done so much for me, you have allowed me to heal after losing my dearest Evangeline and my father. I will never be able to repay you for that, but I can start by allowing you follow your true path.” My lips curved into a soft smile. We had both fallen from our destinies and Skoll allowed it because it was needed. Now we were both stronger for it, prepared for whatever it was that lie in our futures. We would walk together, no doubt, but I as a preacher and Mahal will be joined by Clarimonde.

I can see clearly now.

[I L Y I C H]

Leaning in to the touch I wasn't entirely willing to let it go away. I was a very tactile person, and most of my affection was shown through action. Through touch. Words were not something I was good at. Mother had kept that gift to herself when my genetic code was being set up. My closeness to Logan had been drifting, I knew. Devotion was normally something I was so attuned to. Yet I'd been utterly distracted and in my mind I had had a good reason. Clari had gone missing right after admitting to me that she wanted to die. The word suicide had been plastered over ever corner of my mind and there was nothing I could do about it. Not an excuse obviously. Even in my panic I should have kept tabs with Logan. Should have spoken to him rather then rush about in a panic and give myself a cold.

Ears flicking slightly when the other man pulled back I frowned lightly at the look on his face. Logan started speaking and my mouth snapped open. Wanting to deny him, but he was speaking and I wasn't going to interrupt. Logan was sharing his thoughts and if thats what he thought then... Clamping my jaws back together I let out a low whine. Who was Logan even referring to? I wasn't going to abandon him he should know that. When I told him that I loved him I hadn't been lying or kidding in any way. I had love him and I still did. Clarimonde? Was that who he was referring to? The thought caught me and flung me for a loop. Tossed what arguments I had to the dirt and trod all over them. A small breath pressed out of my lips as I regained my composure giving my head one good shake.

"Logan..." The slightly pained smile on my face gave in and fell into open affection. I'd shown my colors I suppose. I did love Clari. I always had but I'd assumed sibling like adoration. Apparently I'd had it backwards. I could understand this. I knew we had been leaning on one another. Loving each other in the way we supported each other. "You helped me get past what my father had done. And through my Uncle's death." I offered the words softly. Knowing he had done just as much for me as I had for him. SUpport structures were what we were. Brothers. A soft smile pressed across my lips, though the guilt still sat in my belly. A part of me wanted to argue. Didn't want to fail him. But there was no anger here. No true sorrow. It was simple. So I would accept it. I would not like that it had come to this because of my own divided loyalty, even if he would disagree on that outcome.