Something We All Need [ily]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

It had always been like this. At least, I think it was. As far as I could remember. Of course, I wasn’t very old yet. I think I was only over a month now, five or six weeks. That is what daddy said. He told me happy six week birthday yesterday, I think. He always did. I couldn’t understand why he obsessed over one week at a time. No one came up to Mahal or Logan and mommy saying 'happy 187,626,823,987 week birthday,or however old they were. Alonda told me it was daddy’s way of keeping track of how old we were because he dreaded each week that past that we were around. She told me he hated us and he was a bad dog. I don’t think Alonda likes anyone very much, except Val. She was gaga over Val--it was good that she had someone she cared about. Love was important. I loved her, and I think she secretly loved Michelle and me, too. She was just no good at all that ooey-gooey stuff.

My head pounded with all the thoughts. I always did that, thought too much. It wasn’t like I could actually say anything that came to my mind, so I just let the pressure build behind my eyes. It throbbed a lot, my head that is. So did my sides. And it was difficult to breath sometimes, but I think that could be just because I am so tired. Alonda said I was weak because I had to take a break after a game of chasing leaves with the other children. I believed her sometimes. No one else had to take breaks, they could all run all day and still not be ready for bed. I also had difficulty hearing, but daddy laughed at it in a kind way and said I was ‘special’, that my ears were small so they couldn’t catch sounds. He said it makes me unique and he said it was cute. Unlike Mukki, I didn’t mind being called cute. He told me boys should hate that term, but I liked it. Daddy said it in his loving tone, not his ‘you’re in big trouble’ tone, so it was a good thing.

I had had to tell daddy I couldn’t hear him because he had been talking to me and I hadn’t known so I had not done what he said. After doing that a couple times he grew concerned so I just explained. I didn’t like when my parents got mad at me so I had to tell him it wasn’t that I was ignoring him. He understood--he said that sometimes one of the dogs in the other pack, Nimrod, misses his prey when hunting because his eyesight is poor. Of course, that was due to age. He also told me of a litter of children there that lacked certain senses. One was blind, another was deaf, another couldn’t feel anything physically, another couldn’t smell. I felt fortunate I wasn’t those children. My sense of sight, sound, and smell were poor, and I was in pain almost constantly, but everything was good enough for me to find some happiness. I couldn’t imagine having a sense totally taken away. That would make me unhappy. I hated the feeling of being sad.

That was why I never told my parents about how uncomfortable I really was. Michelle knew, but that was only because she caught me during my second night of leaving camp. I had had to tell her, and I knew she wouldn’t tell mommy and daddy. I didn’t want them to be sad for me, and Michelle was a good liar, and they trusted her. If they saw I was gone she’d know what to tell them so they didn’t get scared. I didn’t want them to be upset, they were such good dogs. Even daddy. Alonda was silly, but I think she had her reasons. Mahal looked at us sadly sometimes, too, so I think he and his littermate didn’t tell me things. Maybe daddy hadn’t always been a good person, I don’t know. It was in the past and he was good now.

Nausea crept into my stomach, as I knew it would. I always felt more sick at night because there was no one around to distract me, I think. I lowered myself to the ground and let my heart be sad. It was okay if I was upset that my body hurt, I just didn’t want anyone else to be upset. It wasn’t their fault. That was why I smiled all day and just left them at night. This way they didn’t have to know that I was weak. Alonda knew, she told me it all the time, but she didn’t know just how pathetic I really was. I wanted to keep it that way because I know she is good underneath her meanness. She would be sad, too, just like mommy and daddy. My brother and littermate would be upset. Everyone would be upset.

I wasn’t worth that. That was why I came out at night and cried alone.

[I L Y I C H]

The world was so very cruel, and there was just so little we could do about it. Winter winds chilled the heart and settled ice over hope in all it's forms. Especially in such darkness. For what hope does warmth have in the moonless night? I'd walked heavily upon this land for most of my death now. Watching quietly and fearing all that I knew would be occurring so very soon. A wash of darkness was spreading from the south and west. Kindle to be flung into the machines of war, and we were just dogs. Hell I wasn't even a dog anymore by most rights. Death did not suit me well. Skoll was lenient with us. Kind. A friend more then any sort of ruler. A friend who simply wielded power we ourselves did not have. A teacher perhaps. Whatever the white pelted man was, his rules for our world walking were few and far between.

Even now Hati spent most of her time residing within the original pack's camp, watching in agony as her husband went about his path. A path that ended in nothing but blood and hate and fear. A part of me felt little sympathy for Lucifer. Spitefulness was in my blood, after all. It had been Lucifers fault that half of this was falling into place. He was a catalyst to so much and a spark to the tender that was Bidziil. My sister had been all but destroyed by that man, but then I supposed I must relent that he'd had a right. Life had turned out fine without the others, yet so much brokeness had leveled across the land. In the end I suppose Vea Apxn was truly Lucifer's fault. Bidziil too, but he merely provided the final straw, and I found it doubtful that Carska would have stayed much longer.

Yet even out in the prairie where we all felt so very safe there was crimson flowing in the future. Humans would bring violence with them, and where animals were merciful the walking machines felt no such emotion. So many young souls. My blind eyes had been focused so cleanly on Vea Apxn these days. I had no right to be anything but a selfish hypocrite. At this point I had lost interest in most but my family. Some man of Skoll I was, but I couldn't care very much. Abeni was safe and happy elsewhere. Thus I had only my sister and her pack to fret over. The others would accrue my attention in time, when it became vital that we guardians became involved for the sake of sanity. If that was sane at all. I did not mind what the others did, I knew Hati would rage like a demon should we not be allowed to communicate during war. It wasn't as if we could help in any other way. We couldn't physically touch anything to give it harm.

But all my musing aside I had not been paying full attention. It was hard to focus on the outside world when your ears and nose turned inward to smells form a different time. I'd not noticed the small form, yet now I could hear nothing but it's muffled cries and my heart twisted painfully. My nephew had the hardest road to travel now. Dead by the age of two, what could he hope to be in this time? So much. He would be so much and the world would spin by his words. There were situations and acts that would occur in these next two years that would immortalize my dear Irwin for all of time in the eyes of his peers. Yet there was darkness as well, and a death the boy would cause that would shake the pack to it's very core. The cause was not purposeful but then they rarely are.

Smiling softly I hid away my wings in a small flutter of feathers as I approached. Careful paws landed gently as I moved, easing into view instead of merely walking in. It would not be appreciated. To the little white pup I was a stranger who appeared out of the night. What did he know of me at all? I doubted he'd even heard my name. I was referred to by so many titles and nicknames that it was rare that my actual name was spoken by anyone but the most far reaching acquaintance. So I tread carefully and kept my lips turned into a soft fretful smile. There was little point in speaking, so I focused silver eyes shakily on the boy instead, hoping they were actually turned into his face. Not that it mattered the staring oddly hued surface never gave the impression of focus anyway.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Age would have told me I should be scared when a dog melts out of the shadows in silence. I was young, though, and still able to trust a soft smile for its surface value. I gave little thought of what was buried under the expression, unconcerned with what evil can so easily be masked. I flicked moist, chocolate eyes to the dark-hued brute and only reacted with shame, quickly darting my gaze back to the ground. I curled in a tighter ball, spreading my tail defensively over my snout in a feline-like fashion. No dog needed to see the tears of the weak. A folami was not supposed to cry. No one had ever said that to me, of course, but it was a deep programming that I could only justify with the fact that I was born from two lab-made specimens.

"Hello, my name is Irwin." with a child's trust I offered my name to the stranger, muffled as I spoke through my tail. The tone was a bit ragged, hoarse from the act of swallowing the quiet moans that often accompanied crying. "I have never seen you before-- what is your name?" A bit more controlled now, I blinked away the remaining tears and climbed clumsily to my paws. My eyelids were a bit droopy, wishing to sleep but knowing it would be a while before I crawled back to camp. I eyed the man curiously, catching his misty gaze sitting a bit to the side of me. "Your eyes are really cool!" I was a child, despite so often throwing off a more mature aura. Change was well accepted and adored. I moved towards him and stood on my tip-toes to look closer into the unfocused orbs. I was small, even for my age, so I did not even come to this man's knee.

Of course all of this was a distraction. There was a chance the boy's strange set of eyes had not seen my tears, and with any luck his ears were dimmed so he would not have heard my soft sounds. I could pretend I was just on an adventure, as most children do, because even a stranger does not deserve to have the burden of knowing a child's heart is sad. Nor did I want to appear weak against a man of such stature--he had clearly seen much in his day, if the jagged scar along his throat was any proof. I was not worthy of my own sorrow. My life was good and I did not want this man to see that I was selfish enough to feel any hint of self-pity.

A folami does not cry.

[I L Y I C H]

Blind eyes shining back the moonlight in their hazy distant way, I widened my smile to the young boy. The brush of fur spoke of movement but not knowing the shape of his body I couldn't quiet make a distinction about what he was doing. My guess would land to covering those wide expressive eyes. A useless tactic, I could scent the salt tinged tears across my dear Irwin's cheeks. He could not hide them away from me alone, and that perhaps was why I must be here now. No one needed me now beside this quiet nephew of mine, destined to such glory despite the blackness ahead. When Irwin spoke up, I arched my sensitive ears forward curiously. I had yet to hear the boy speak aside from those long distance echoes. Besides it was muffled to a point giving me the soft shape of a tail laid carefully across a profile I did not know. And perhaps it was too early to ask if he would allow me to touch him.

Settling myself carefully I swept my own tail carefully across my haunches, taking on a pose that I had long ago perfected. One couldn't live in the pack for any amount of time without developing certain stereotypical behaviors and motions. My particular seating was much akin to my sister's after all, and where does one find the most form to copy but one's own sibling? A clue, perhaps, but not one I would imagine a child as young as Irwin would fully notice. Offering the boy a nod I lowered my muzzle into a small bow, my smile softening into a playful grin. "Hello, Irwin." Waving my tail once from it's position I settled it carefully back against my flank. An odd idea it was to think that while I knew Irwin he did not know me. Not in the least. Yet I spent so much of my time watching him and his sister grow and learn. Carefully following their family's growth and cultivation.

"My name is Daiade." I spoke brightly, careful to not allow any influx of nostalgia spill into my voice. "I've not been here for a long time, but I use to live in your pack." A long time ago. Years I suppose. Time passed by far too quickly. Ears flicking back I grinned in response to the exclamation. I of course had no idea what my eyes looked like but apparently everyone else found them interesting. "Thank you my boy, though I must say they give me nothing but trouble." It was after all the blindness that had killed me. Not that I could put too much blame on my disability, it had after all not killed me until that very final moment. Though I suppose that was a backwards way to think about such things.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I listened carefully to the man’s deep-set voice. I couldn’t help but hear him as a wise dog, despite knowing nothing about him. Daddy had a deep voice, but his was rougher. It made him sound silly sometimes, even when he didn’t mean it to. This man’s voice was as smooth as it was deep, giving the impression of flawless words. Perhaps it was silly to judge someone off their voice alone, but I relaxed with the story I made up in my head, falling into the comfort of it even though somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was irresponsible, or dangerous, to do so.

My own voice was leaning towards feminine, though I guess it was just because I was still young. Daddy said I would get deeper with time, though he claimed his voice had always been a bit rugged. My toes flexed at the thought that maybe that meant I would keep a smooth voice, and maybe it would sound like this man’s after I got a bit older. “Your voice is cool, too.” It sounded a little far away, but I could hear him clearly so long as I was looking in his direction. The issue with my ears was that they didn’t have the big satellites that other dogs had, so I couldn’t catch sound and channel it down to be heard. I had to focus on the words to really get them, and even then it was a bit foggy. “I can hear you better than I can hear daddy. His voice sounds like he has sand in his throat.” I squealed in mild amusement, but only for a second. I quickly looked down in embarrassment. “Sorry, that was rude. Don’t tell daddy I made fun of his voice, please.” This man had been part of the pack so he knew daddy. They could be friends. What if daddy got mad that I said he swallowed sand?

I sat down, eyes still on the soil in front of my feet, before having to just lay back down. My legs were throbbing and I couldn’t help but take in an audible sigh. My lungs didn’t like to work like everyone else’s so I sometimes got out of breath for no reason. Or perhaps because I was standing. Whatever the reason, I now lay on my stomach in a not-so-neat lump with my eyes drooping as if I was about to go to sleep. But my head was still pounding and my stomach was upset again because Skoll-forbid I eat my supper and not pay for it all night long. “Sorry, sir, don’t mind me. I’m not strong like the other dogs. You should just go see my sister, Michelle. She’s the good one.” Perhaps my tone had a hint of bitterness to it, but it was dominantly just defeated. So much for hiding how worthless I was. The ailments wouldn’t be ignored. “Maybe Ayita knows some plant that will make your eyes less trouble. She is good with that kind of stuff. She’s the red one—not Mukki, he is just a puppy. The big red one.”

That’s it, just ramble. Another shovel to my grave.

[I L Y I C H]

Smiling gently I offered the boy a short wave of my tail. Bidziil had always sounded as if he'd swallowed gravel of some kind. It was one of the reasons I had always been intimidated by the man. Voices were the only way I knew people until they allowed me to touch them, and that had taken sometime. Such a rough raspy voice caught me off guard, after being so accustom to the traditional deep throaty noises. Or in my family's case the overly formal smooth tones that Carska sported so regally.

Never the less I should think that Bidziil would have some sort of fit should I try to communicate his son's words. We'd not left on the best of terms previously. Flicking one ear back slightly, I tipped my head in turn. Irwin had settled back down, and a spark of concern flittered across me. I knew little of the world, and what might happen in it's long turning ends, but I knew far too well that this nephew of mine would not survive very long into his young life. I'd not want him to suffer, but then there was little an old guardian like I could do but hold out a paw and pray.

That aside Irwin had no reason to feel the way he did. The very idea that he felt such a thing made my heart throb for him. It was doubtful that Carska or Bidziil had been the ones to verbalize even close to the idea. It wouldn't be too difficult for me to believe that Irwin himself had created the idea. I'd done the same thing as a child. "I wasn't strong either." I huffed, blind silver eyes digging around vainly in an attempt to locate and hold eye contact. What words I offered never had the reaching ability that sister's had. I just couldn't keep anyone's attention when my eyes just went drifting off towards no where. "And if I wanted to talk to Michelle I would be speaking with her wouldn't I?" Voice rumbling as it tended to in my throat, I coughed lightly flicking my ears.

"I think you're a very good pup. That is if the words of an old loner mean anything to a young prince." Jokingly I dipped my scarred snout, hiding the killing wound on my chest for the barest of moments before I sat straight once more. "Ayita has nothing for my eyes, dear child. I was born blind." Lifting one paw I waved it lightly before my body, searching for the child and if he should allow it moving to settle it carefully against his side. "The word is black to me." Perhaps we had more in common then dear Irwin could truly see. Both of us had our disabilities, and while I had lived quiet a bit longer with my own it had killed me in the end as well. The reminder of those long infected fever riddled days sent chills up my spine.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I shifted to allow the loner space at my side, finding a sort of comfort as his fur brushed by my own. It wasn't warm like other dog's I laid beside, but the crispness of it didn't bother me. Some dogs must just send off cool air instead of heat. I wondered idly if that meant he had cold blood, which was often a way of saying someone was bad to their very center. I heard my dad say humans had cold blood, once, though he quickly noted my presence and smiled, explaining that he was just unhappy with them. Some were good, though he had warned me against every interacting with a human. He said him and mommy would be very unhappy with me. I didn't like to make them upset, so I obeyed without any protest.

But this dog was not that kind of cold blood. He was just cool to the touch, and light, as if he wasn't really there. My eyes narrowed quizzically as I glanced towards him. I didn't question it out loud, of course. Saying he was different would be rude--dogs didn't like not fitting into the crowd, and for some reason we rejected that which we didn't understand. As children we were all welcoming, and I just hoped as I grew I could offer the same mindset, without being turned bitter and anxious like adults always seem to be. "Are you proud of how you got your scar?" I asked it rather suddenly, moving slightly to brush my snout lightly over the throat wound. I didn't ask him how he got it, nor would I. Battle wounds were held like banners for our kind. It was another thing I could not understand, so I didn't want to know just how he got it. I might respect him less if he said he was proud and he got it killing someone. I might not like the reason, but I could respect his pride in the wound. I was conditioned to see scars and think courage.

Looking back towards me paws, I listened to what he had to say. It was kind of him to try and make me feel better. He was definitely not a cold blood in the way I had been taught it. He was clearly not weak now, and there was no way a weak puppy would have grown into this brute. As for speaking to Michelle, I didn't care to point out he couldn't speak to her. I was the one he stumbled across, not her. If it had been both of us, odds are he would have dismissed me and taken the strong, confident one. It didn't offend me, I didn't blame him. But I liked the kindness in the way he tried to encourage me. I would let myself believe it for a little while. "You're a good dog. Why aren't you part of Vea Apxn anymore? Some of them are a bit rough, but we are all good dogs at heart. At least, we all pretend really well." I considered that mildly. I didn't care if dogs were only pretending to be good, I appreciated the attempt. If the dogs around me were good, even if by mask alone, it gave me a chance to grow up into a good dog.

I looked up at him slowly as he said I was a good pup. A light smile, uncertain but grateful crossed my black-lined maw. "The words of a random loner might not mean much, but you're my friend. A friends words mean the world." Kamautu tried to be my friend but he was with Michelle most of the time. The trio moved too fast for me, even when they tried really hard to encourage and wait for me. I didn't like holding them back. Mukki stayed close to home so we hung around each other by instinct, but the boy had no interest in forming a relationship of any kind. "I never had a friend, not really." I stated it a bit faintly, eyes look ahead of me now, distant. It hadn't occurred to me until now how much I had wanted someone like Kamautu and Brandon were for Michelle, or Ayita was to daddy, or Newsoul to mommy. I looked sharply up towards the blind eyes of the male beside me. "You don't mind being my friend, right? I can't see well either." I offered hopefully, trying to buy the man's affection with the relation. I leveled my breathing so he wouldn't see how out of breath I was. He didn't need to know the extent of my weakness. He might not be so willing if he realized we'd have to walk really slow and take a couple breaks when we go exploring.

Do adults go exploring?

[I L Y I C H]

I sat beside the boy in silence, happy for it. The heavens were so loud now a days, so packed with worry that the seems seemed to be busting at the edges. It made me wonder about how the others saw life on earth. What would they do if they could remain on the earth for a time longer then what was currently allowed. I myself wasn't suppose to be interacting as I was, but I found it important. Skoll would be upset if he knew how simple it was to disobey him. For an all seeing god the white beast was about as observant as a pumpkin. Lost to my own thoughts I was a bit shocked when the sudden bought of electricity streaked up my body. It was almost painful, to have that last connection to my living world touched. As if Irwin had passed a paw into my very soul. I kept as still as possible ,aside, trying to avoid hurting the boy's feelings or startling him.

Proud of it? "Not particularly." I stated carefully, thinking through my response carefully. Our kind were lovers of battle scars and often didn't think of their reprocutions. Or else refused to admit to the memories and sorrows behind the wounds. At least I knew my sister would never tell her children the stories behind her dozens of cuts and bullet holes. "It caused my family sorrow. And it hurt quiet a bit." Guilt thickened the words, but I tried to play them off as a joke towards the end. Had to remember I was speaking with a child. Apparently I was a bit heavy handed at times. Too serious. Sweeping my tails back against my side I gave my young nephew a soft smile. No I wasn't proud of this old scar tissue. I earned it through my own weakness, and I fell into a cavernous mess because of it. Abandoned my daughter and my sister. Left everything because I couldn't protect myself. Ah but the past was the past, and to this boy I was a living breathing dog. Not some specter of the past waiting around in the mortal world.

Pricking my ears, my smile wained slightly as Irwin went on with his questions. How was I meant to explain such a thing? I'd left my sister's pack long before I'd actually died after all, and that alone was in dark circumstances. Mostly because I'd been far to aware at that point in time that I was indeed dying. "My daughter was in a different place. I had been horrible to her months before and I needed to apologize." I told the child truthfully, nodding my head just slightly. Abeni and I had had so little time to talk. To forgive. The thought made my heart throb. I couldn't speak to my Abeni now. She was with another God, and though I was euphoric for her joy, my soul crashed painfully every time I thought of the facts. I'd appeared to my daughter and her new mother sometime ago, but it had almost stripped me of my strength. I couldn't force up enough power to do it again. Perhaps mostly because of my guilt and the knowledge that she was happy without me. A father must let his daughter live her own life, after all.

Sorrow engulfed me for a moment at the thought, but I quickly shuffled it away. I had eternity for my sadness, there was no reason to place it upon Irwin's paws. "I simply kept apart. I was an old omega, I just didn't quiet fit anymore." I offered cheerfully, wagging my tail in a final effort to dispel the painful memories. Keeping my smile in place, I settled more comfortably into the situation as Irwin continued. I'd never been very good with children. Even with Abeni I'd had a tendency to simply wrap her up and hum. I was far too awkward most of the time. Whatever clever or wise things that had come out of my mouth tended to be things I'd thought out for days before speaking them aloud. Others gave me too much credit.

Though perhaps that was what Irwin needed right now. Sliding carefully to my belly I stretched my for-legs out in front of me and pressed my hind legs to my stomach. "Of course." I offered softly. Condolences to an out of breath sickly child. I would always be this boy's friend. Until the day I was forced to bring him to my own home. Pausing for a moment I settled fully and closed my blind eyes. "Could you tell me what the color green looks like?" I asked, almost playfully. A brain game was a far more rewarding thing anyway. At least when I was a pup who still couldn't find his way around the world I'd known I'd preferred them. It let me forget for a little bit.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I pushed a little closer to the man, careful not to lean too heavily on him, afraid I would seem over-bearing. Daddy said some dogs don't like to snuggle like he and mommy do. Ayita comes and curls up with us when she is babysitting, but Newsoul gets tense. I trusted Newsoul, even if contact made her afraid or uncomfortable. Perhaps this stranger would find my burrowing into him to be strange or unnerving, too.

His question pulled me away from the sharp bolt that flashed through my tummy. I was about to giggle, or say it is the color of leaves, but then I remembered this man's eyesight was even worse than my own. I could see well enough to get around and tell what is what when close by, but this man didn't have that. "Green us like," I pondered for a second, before a small smile crawled across my maw. "Light green is like a child playing. It is bubbly and exciting, an adventure. Springtime. Warmth." I paused as I pictured summer leaves in my head. "Darker green is like summer-time when the air is not moving around. Quiet, calm. Confident." I shifted to look out of the corner of my eyes at the man, wondering if I had done well. I loved colors and I couldn't imagine just not knowing them. I moment of selfish anxiety passed over me, afraid I would one day be unable to see like this man, but I pushed it aside. I was not in control so there was little reason to worry.

I looked to the moon, it's placement past the center. Putting my ears back in annoyance, I got to my paws. "I think I have to go home. Mommy and daddy are early wakers and I need to make sure I am asleep when they wake up." There was a hint of saddness and worry in my tone. Would this man come back tomorrow night and sit with me again? He said we were friends. I couldn't tell my parents about him because then I would have to admit I leave every night, but I wanted to see him again. I didn't put words to my hope, I just willed him with my eyes.

He may not be able to see it, but maybe he would feel it.