I'm so Afraid [aw]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I didn’t understand how this could happen. After all I had done, all the dogs I had...I had thought my first time had damaged something. My children had snapped a cord, broke something needed for this. So many times and nothing--suddenly, here it is. I could feel the shift in my hormones again. There was no mistaking it. Last time I had only books to go off of so I could justify all the things going on with my body. This time I had no excuses, it was all so perfect.

I was pregnant.

Mahal and I had done something unforgivable. After Logan’s little talk I had been so overjoyed I let good sense run away from me. I had missed my Mahal and suddenly he could be mine and he was willing. It had become something I fell onto when I needed to level out my emotions, and now I would have more blood on my paws. Mahal was a big Folami, these children would either abort like last time, or kill me. I had no doubts someone was going to die in three months or less. I hoped they waited the three months and came out full size and alive. I didn’t want to die anymore, but I preferred that over what I went through last time. I could not watch more of my sins be put on the shoulders of innocent children. My innocent children. I was going to kill someone. First Logan for making me take the first step, then Mahal for letting us do what we did after all that had happened. I would have to wait three months before I got my final punishment--I got to suffer, first, for my sin was the worst of all. A smart dog learns from her past--guess I wasn’t as smart as I thought I was.

My chocolate gaze scanned the camp in a rush of fury. Both ebony dogs sat off to the side talking about whatever it is they talk about now that they weren’t mates. I trusted both of them so I never worried--they had always been close friends. I wondered for a moment if I should have Michael and Lindsay help me kill them, but then I would feel bad about getting them in trouble. So I simply marched right up and glared at both of them, breathing heavy and eyes filled with hate. I wanted blood--I needed blood to fall for the children I would be bringing into this world to either die, or live without a mother. “You fucking assholes!” It came rushing out as I lost any sense of sanity I had been holding onto. The fury died right then and there, having come out entirely with that one statement. I shoved my face forward in hopes of finding shelter in Mahal’s chest. This wasn’t their fault. They didn’t know. This was my sin and mine alone.

“I am pregnant. I did it again.” Soft, a complete turn around from my first statement. Quiet as I crawl further into myself. I had failed to punish myself properly last time so I hadn’t learned my lesson. Selfish. Greedy. Harlot. Murderer. Worthless.

I couldn’t even think straight. I hated this mortality shit.

[I L Y I C H]

It had been so very quiet these past couple of months. Almost peaceful except for the constant brush of paranoia on the wind. Logan and I shared those worries at least. So many of the dogs in Vea Apxn acted like nothing was wrong, and I assumed they just didn't see the warning signs. I had been terrified in those early days while Mother and Father discussed our coming danger in the night. Terrified for my pack, my family, but mostly for my friend who had been lost for so long. With Clari back where I could see and touch to be sure of her safety my own worries had fallen to a more manageable level. Today was today and tomorrow would come eventually. But for now I could relax and worry in the frame of logical thought rather then furious terror.

Worry and fret, I supposed, but those were two corner stones of my personality. And I did have so much to fret over. My siblings for one, still so young and vulnerable. Unable to defend themselves. Ayita and Paradox's children weren't all that much better off. Georgia was close to having her own pups. New life was a wonderful thing, but not now. Now it turned my stomach inside out and tore little wounds into my heart out of pure anxiety. We had a large number of dogs here, and Father would assure us that some of his pack would join in our fight as well but that was no guarantee. Humans could still attack us when we were not prepared. Still hurt children while the rest of us were trying to fight back. Then further down the road who said those original pack dogs would even help us? There were too many questions with too few answers for my liking.

Ears pricking I turned slightly away from Logan to look towards the sounds of paw steps. A smile curved onto my lips, ocher eyes brightening at the sight of Clari walking towards me. Maybe I was still distracted by my own pessimism, but her outburst upon reaching us shocked me. Laying my ears back I sat up, all but ignoring the dust that rolled out of my belly fur. What did I do? Fuck did I say something without thinking first? Skoll only knew the kind of shit I've been spouting. Though it could be any number of things. With Clari's face abruptly shoved into my chest I didn't really have the heart to shift away from her and look into those chocolate eyes and demand to know what the hell was going on. Not that I had to wait very long for an explanation anyway. Right to the point. Good old Clari.

And maybe when I looked back on this in a few years I would laugh but at this very instant I couldn't move much more then my whiskers. Going utterly stiff I sat in shocked silence. Honestly. how else was I suppose to react to that? To this? Of course I was happy. I'd always wanted children. I knew Clari wanted them. I knew too that she would be a wonderful mother. That all the quiet devotion in her body would go into the act of motherhood. but I also knew what happened the last time this occurred. Not by me, but it was the same. So many problems. Trials. Dangers. It had taken me so horrifically wrong to settle into my love's skin and the very idea of having her ever leave me again brought on nausea. This could kill her. And what if it didn't? Then the humans might. Or they might kill our children. With panic at an all time high and my heart all but rupturing my ribs I couldn't find anything to respond with. All of my feeling was spiraling internally fighting to decide if I was joyfully terrified or fearfully glad.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The morning had been going well, quiet even. Mahal and I were simply talking about the upcoming war, but even that didn’t seem too urgent. His parents often discussed in the night, but they had not announced during daylight so I accepted the war was a bit in the future. I would do what I could to help in the war, doing my best not to taint my name with the blood of another. Of course I would fight, and Mahal knew this, but I would not go out on the front-line with weapon drawn. I knew Skoll would give us the tools to achieve victory for peace, and I perhaps I was arrogant but I felt I would need to play my part in accepting those gifts. If I got tangled in the bloodshed of the war, important things that could help bring it to an end may be missed. So, with this in mind, I wasn’t afraid of what was to come. Dogs I loved may die, as would many who never had the chance at redemption, but it would be for the greater good. The harsh truth is, individually, we meant very little in this world. If I few lives have to end for the benefit of the whole, then that was just something one has to respect. No sense stressing yourself out over the inevitable.

Rather abruptly the silence was torn away. I had followed Mahal’s smile warmly, catching Clarimonde’s approach in my peripherals. My own expression did not mirror Mahal’s, however--the girl was rather angry, wasn’t she? My gaze turned quizzical and a little bit agitated as she called the two of us a derogatory term. I had no issue with swearing, Skoll himself did it, but to be called such a cold title without reason? I would not stand for it--but I waited for an explanation, knowing Clarimonde did not do anything lightly. The girl collapsed into Mahal’s chest and wept out her reason. I watched as Mahal took a stone-like posture and part of me wanted to mimic him. Ah, so this was why him and I were assholes. My heart slowed. I hadn’t thought through the whole situation when convincing Clarimonde and Mahal to become a pair. I had just wanted to help my two friends find some semblance of peace. Stupid, bad dog.

No, wait, this whole thing was silly.

I took a breath and blinked away my fear for the couple. Clarimonde was being run by emotions because even through all this time she had not managed to learn how to handle them. Denying yourself that part of development as a child can cause some severe emotional disabilities when you grow older. It was a natural part of growing up, and Clarimonde had waited until after being grown to learn the lessons of the heart. After she had trained herself not to care. It was a shock to the system and her brain just didn’t know what to do. Now it was out for revenge. Logic had denied emotions a place in the girl for so long, so now emotions were taking the lead and pushing away the logic. I looked to Mahal guardedly, deciding he would be useless right this moment to help find the happy medium, so I would give it a shot.

“Relax, Clari, it will be fine.” I purred it as kind as I could but it only went ignored. I narrowed my gaze, remembering who I was talking to. She needed order. “Clarimonde, look at me.” Stern, perhaps a bit rugged, The girl pulled away from Mahal slowly, though only enough to peak over at me while still staying pushed safely to the brute’s skin. “If you want even a chance given to your children, then you better stop stressing them out.” I saw the indecision on her face, the uncertainty as she wracked her brain for some proof behind my words. I saw the moment she remembered how terrible stress is for the unborn and watched as she allowed her breathing to get to a normal pace. “There we go, that’s better. Now then, don’t go off dismissing all hope just yet. I think Paradox and Ayita would be highly insulted if they saw you right now.” I eyed her with a cautious dominance. She responded in my favor, only glaring anxiously at me for a second before blinking away her panic all together.

I snapped my gaze up to Mahal as I found Clarimonde a little less on the verge of a complete melt-down. I used my eyes to softly plead he say something. I could only do so much to comfort a hormonal woman that had such a difficult time branching out emotionally to others. Mahal was her mate and she needed him to tell her it was going to be okay.

If only for a little while.