Heavy In Your Arms [aw]

[I L Y I C H]

It wasn't that I didn't expect this to happen. I wasn't an idiot. It was that I really would prefer this entire episode to be some horrible dream. An infection filled haze. Apparently that wasn't the case. Of course it wasn't. Dio only knew that I wasn't allowed to be comfortable in any situation let alone the entirety of my life. That would make it all far too simple and unstressful. I'd pretended this entire time that nothing was wrong. That nothing had happened. Not that it had fooled a single person within Ende's ranks but it had kept what tiny shed of pride I had left. Now that I was lost in the depth of my contractions I supposed I couldn't very well ignore what was happening. I could however pretending like it wasn't happening at this very instant.

The weather had become normal with the return of sunlight. No one knew what had happened to the stupid thing, but with it's sudden reappearance what was out of whack in the weather had righted. That was enough for me. Comfortable for the moment. That is if it didn't feel like my pelvis was breaking. One couldn't entirely ignore labor, after all, as hard as she tried. It was a situation I wasn't very happy with for obvious reasons. Apprehensiveness being the general explanation. This entire situation turned my stomach in knots. It felt wrong, in all certainty. Like something wasn't settled right. Maybe I was a woman, but I still refused to fully believe the evidence. Father had told me so. Having it all shoved down my throat like the vile concoction it was didn't help me at all.

Children were not the issue here. The idea of having to forcibly shove them from my body was the problem. Pain enough was building in my lower abdomen now. Let alone what I knew was coming in the near future. I wasn't a complete idiot. I knew what was coming and how bad it would be especially considering my age and stature. Labor would not come easily and my dysmorphia was in all actuality not the logical issue here. Yet it was the issue and it was the reason why I sat in dedicated silence and ignored the press and pull of contracting muscles within my gut. Sooner rather then later I knew I would have to give in, stand up, and somehow manage to stalk pridefully out of camp to deal with my problem but as of right now I refused.

I would lay right here with my paws tucked to my chest and ignore the discomfort. Have a little bit of normality for a tiny bit longer. Just a few more minutes was all I asked. Logic held little in the way of panic after all and I was starting to fall regretfully into anxious panic. Children were not my fear. I could deal with that. I was almost looking forward to that. Again the idea of forcing them out of me was starting to send my alarm bells ringing. Pain I could deal with. The utter ruin of an idea I had been clutching to for years was not.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My good sense told me to turn right around and drop it. My good sense told me Montego did not want the world to know, did not want the world to acknowledge. Oh how I wished I was one for good sense. Oh how I wish I could convince myself to do what was best for Montego's sanity. Just this once think of her rather than my own little needs. My heart said I had to be part of this experience with her. I wouldn't deny it to myself anymore--I loved this woman. I didn't care if she liked to still let Orenda call her sir, I could feel the pull towards her. I had always hated gender stereotypes--I am a man so I am supposed to be stable, strong. Well, I never had been. So if I didn't fit the mold, why did Montego need to? And why should I even care one way or another? Ever since the day she came into Ende I had had an interested. It was a curious annoyance at first. She had been so sure of who she was, even if it was all built off a lie. There is comfort in certainty.

Perhaps I had started to like her back when she was still a man. Maybe it wasn't a cruel need to destroy her that made me persistent about her gender, perhaps I just wanted her to recognize herself so that we could be something. The thought was foolish then, but I could find confidence in it now. It had to be love--why else would I have such rage over what that serval did to her? If it wasn't for my knowing she would want to deal out revenge for herself, I would have devoured the beasts' very heart by now. Montego would have already done so, but the bastard had left something behind.

I wasn't so stupid as to not know the children could be born any day now.

It was with this that I approached the woman a bit awkwardly. Social grace had never been my strong point, nor had any sort of compassion. Okay, maybe it just hadn't been since I was a child. I had lost that spark for affection--I didn't know how to show how much I cared. Maybe if I did I would have already told Montego my feelings by now, instead of having everyone around us roll their eyes because I was too much a coward to make the first move. Love had never served me well, and it had driven my mother and brother insane. It was love that broke me the first time. It was difficult convincing myself it would be worth the risk. I didn't think there was much of a chance Montego had even the slightest interest in me. I had been cruel to her up until the moment Ezhno shoved it down her throat what she was. Call me a hypocrite, but I would forever loath that man for what he did to her--and I had been making a fool of myself trying to apologize for my earlier cruelties ever since.

Sitting close to the smaller feline, I shuffled myself awkwardly before laying down onto the drying earth. The sun was back, and with it the rain had finally passed. At least Montego would not have to bring children into the world only to drowned--that had been a fear of mine since Noelle gave birth to my niece and nephews. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but I will help you, you know. Like we did with Verona. I enjoyed being a, um, guardian with you." Okay, so maybe I wasn't so good at being straight forward, but my tone was uneasy and that was as close as putting my heart out on the table as I could get.

The guy friend who just provides a male figure. I could do that. not daddy to the children or mate to the queen. It'll do.

Like hell it would.

[Kunabee]

Camira

With a cat's sense, I knew it. I smelled it. I understood it. To my eyes most were in ignorance; not me. The small twitch. The signs, that she was holding back. So, with my typical arrogant distance, I padded over to her and sat next to her, grooming myself.
I was a damn good spy, and I'd once had a litter of my own kits. Once. But love and family wasn't for me - obviously. It took about three months before I had decided to abandon them completely - and I abandoned them. I refused to have any ties (though, in good conscious, I had to teach them basics of the world, otherwise I would have let them die. And there is something very wrong with that).

So, with sharp spying eyes and an almost otherworldly instinct I watched her out of the corner of my eyes, grooming myself. The rest of the world would think I was just being annoying; but I figured dear Montego was smart enough to know otherwise. Perhaps she could even understand the mental message I was giving her.


You have to go, and now, I scolded her in still silence. I had Annora after me, and I didn't need Montego as half-an-enemy either. So thus the subtly.
(You know, I find it strange. Talking about myself, and innermost thoughts. Yet I've started a running monologue in my head... ahh, moving on now.)

"Montaygah," I said, my strange housecat voice mangling her name. I cringed, and repeated myself. "Montego." Her name was pronounced well that time, and I went back to grooming myself, purring with self content.
Figure it out and get moving, woman! I can distract Ahote... if you want, that is.

((wooc;; Figured Camira can cause Montego some discomfort. Heaven knows she doesn't have enough. //*sarcasm*))