Let's Pretend We're Okay[kuna]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I couldn’t help but eye the male that spoke with severe caution and biting distrust. Ende were a pack of Folami in my book--viciously manipulative and brutally clever. I watched the small one closely, though I was sure to keep the bigger of the two in my sights as well. Either could kill my alphess at any moment, and I would be damned if I was to simply back away in my terror just because there was a river between them and me. I was a coward, but I would never let that justify allowing loved ones to be killed again. Ferdinand’s death, though some time ago now, stilled weighed heavy on me. I would break with another dosing of guilt on my conscience.

Kunabee exchanged a few quiet words with the Ende felines briefly, though I could not hear over the water’s roar and my inability to focus on anything but the larger cats’ claws, then Kunabee was making her way through the water to join her own lands. The larger man left without a second glance, but the smaller one dipped his head and called a low, but firm obligatory respect over to my Alphess, saying something about ‘well wishes to Esson’ or the likes. He sounded like a Folami, habits so beaten into him that even though he did not like my Queen he still had to treat her as her rank suggests. There were Folami that I knew that hated the humans but still saluted and obeyed them because it was all they knew. Such a sad like it must be to be a robot for either cat or dog.

I turned my careful gaze to the Iriomote and looked her up and down as she spoke. I saw no wounds of any kind, just matted down fur due to the river. I was surprised--the smaller tom had been telling the truth. They were returning Kunabee home and nothing more. I looked anxiously over my shoulder, back towards the Ende side of the river. I wouldn’t put it past them to have an ambush and all that tolerant ‘kindness’ was just one of their games they so loved. I did not like being at the southern end of the fracture, where only a slim river separated our territory from the monsters of the white tiger. All the cats not welcomed anywhere else went to that land and found refuge--they were unwanted in all the other prides for good reason.

I nudged my Alphess back in the direction of our own camp, cautiously submissive, but a bit demanding all the same. I wanted to put this behind us. I had followed her scent to the border here and just paced in my terror, fretting that the lioness, cheetah, and tiger aroma that wafted from the opposing side had not been her captor’s, merely coincidental. Was Kunabee insane? If they brought her back that meant the odds said she’d gone on her own will. To Ende. I shook my head as Kunabee finished her words, unable to understand but knowing there were good reasons for her actions. I would not judge what I did not know.

“You left on bad terms with Vice, Sam, and Ivan, no one else as far as I could read. Maybe Jacqueline, but the girl doesn’t really know what she wants anymore.” I offered lightly, trying to hide the agitation from my tone. I had been frightened when I realized Kunabee’s scent stopped at the river. The best scenerio that played in my head was she was swept away by the water’s--that would be far better than all the things I had imagined Ende was doing to her--all their little experiments and torture devices. I turned wide green eyes on her as her reasons fell past her lips. “You what?” Exasperated, I could comment no more. Going to Ende on a mission for peace was foolish at best. She was lucky she had not been killed and her body sent home in a hollowed out branch just to send a message. Or for their pure enjoyment. You do not run to the asylum and hope to find kindness waiting there for you.

Still she said more and though the fur along my spine stood on end with the words, I kept my posture dignified, and gate even. “Your tantrum, as you called it, did not cause this war on the horizon. Perhaps it might have brought it sooner, but it was an inevitable event either way.” The words were said in a quest to reassure, but all I managed to do was make my feet buzz in the terror of it. I had already seen enough bloodshed from loved ones and enemies. I did not wish to see it again. Ever.

I side-eyed Kunabee as she finished. Leave or keep Esson. Pondering it, I slowed my pace ever so slightly. “I walk with you, Alphess, no matter what the other’s decide.” And I meant it. Kunabee was the first cat that made me feel safe in my own skin, or at least comfortable with what is to happen. The future is so unclear and I normally feared the unknown, but with Kunabee, I almost found myself excited.

[Kunabee]

Kunabee

He was pushing me towards camp, towards home; I walked on numb paws, beginning to feel exhausted. How much had I ran and fought and screamed? I gazed at the sky and saw the sun was hours' changed from its position. Of course. With the walk, and me just - escaping the world, and all the time I'd spent with Ende, and... well, of course time would pass. I was home sooner than I expected, something that took a mere day when I thought I'd need several to cool off. I was glad. It was time for Esson to pull through our first real test as a pride - as a group. But more important than anything was that we became a family. I had known it, and then I saw it Ende. Learned it from the ones claimed to be monsters. The memories of my life as a house cat were so faint; but family, that feeling was there. To ever be family, however, we had to trust each other. We had to believe in ourselves.

"Oh, so not everyone in camp hates me then?" I said dryly, "They at least think I'm a fool." I sighed, then shook my head. "Apologies, Geronimo. I've done enough of throwing my problems every which way." I smiled wearily at him.

And then he was saying it was not my fault. I froze, there in the fields, river still sounding in my ears but not right next to it. I stopped. Saying he stood by my side. I turned around and nuzzled him, resting my head upon his shoulder. The words I needed to hear, how had he read my mind? I stayed there for a little while, before pulling away and nodding at him.

"I'm still Kunabee, Gerry. I may be an alphess but I'm also an equal. It's a leader's job to listen to those that follow - and the follower's jobs to not let the leader's ego get too big." It was a joke, and I was laughing a bit at it, feeling my heart lighten after a whole day of heaviness. And then my eyes widened.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly, "Didn't mean to give you the nickname. It's just, Esson, it's named after one of my - brothers, when I was raised in a human home, you know?" I was talking quickly now, speeding through it, feeling them tumble out in a waterfall. "Really our owner called him Evan, and me Carolee, but we somewhat changed up the names, and then shortened them 'till we had a dozen different names for everyone, and it was just something we did, and I was thinking of that, and then the nickname - well, it just came out." I bobbed my head a couple of times and swished my tail. I let there be a moment of silence, then a chance for a reply. My eyes were brighter than they had been since I'd left. Just - something so simple. How could he remind me of the ones I barely remembered, the ones I'd left behind so long ago? Memories faded gray but still there, echoing love. My first experiences of family.

"You know," I said softly, "Ende's kind aren't really monsters. I went there because they were strong. If we became allies with them - it would be another bond of trust. Ende, they're a family to each other. They'd die for each other. Imagine two prides, staying separate, being able to trust each other so. Idealistic and hopeful, sure, but Ende - they're a family. Esson... needs to emulate Ende, in that aspect." My head turned up and my gaze hardened. "But we also need to be the opposite. We must promote the hope of peace, claim such is impossible and then do all we can to strive for it. Accept and trust everyone - least, where it won't get us all killed. If Esson is to survive, we must be a family of hope and light. Not even shadows can hide forever." I paused, blinking. Faith restored, in so simple of words as "I'll stay by your side"? It strengthened me.

"Nevertheless, as much as I don't want it - and I doubt you want any bloodshed either - we must prepare to fight. I was mocked and said I could not defend anything. Wait until they see how wrong they are." I nudged my forehead against his.

"Is Vice still somewhere near the border? I need to tell her to get off her ass and start training some members, including myself."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My ears slipped back, knowing her words to be true. Those in camp, whether they were upset or not, would think she was a fool when they heard where she had gone. Unlike the other’s, however, I found admiration even in foolishness when it was driven by love. It was something one cannot control if they let their heart free--it is a drug and it drives you to stupid mistakes. I had down my fair share of moronic things for my love for Ferdinand. In the end the love had not been enough to die for, but since then I had learned it is worth it. Living without loved ones is no life at all, so you mine as well jump in and die with them. I was not dumb. Had I gone to Ferdinand’s aid we both would be dead--we were Iriomotes and, aside from what we could pick up watching the Folami fighting our friends, we had no battle experience. But there isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t regret standing back. Dying would have been a gift. Kunabee knew this, and this is why she let her heart lead her to foolish, deadly things. Die for your family.

Family. The word felt strange buzzing in my head.

The contact came suddenly and at first I found myself tensing, but I quickly leaned into it. Contact had never been a good thing back at the rink--even my brother’s contact was usually him hitting me over the head for being ‘afraid’. I had avoided it since my escape, but this was good contact. Warm. Slow. Friendly. I could feel no claws raking my muzzle or teeth digging into my back to practice spine crushing maneuvers. This was affection, something I had heard of from all the animals around me but never partook. It last a bit of time, silence and warmth, and when she pulled away the uncertain wisp of a smile on my lips fell. No, wait...

The nickname brought the grin right back. I had not heard such a thing in so long. Our of share laziness Ferdinand had dubbed me Gerry all that time ago. Just to prove I could be playful, too, without the laziness bit, I had simply called him Ferdinand-O in response. It was different this time, not someone who just didn’t want to say my name, but someone who felt at ease enough to give me a nickname. Friends do that sometimes. I had known another Daniel Folami in my past, and his mate and friends called him Danny. I blinked away the smirk as it processed what she was saying. Equals--no, that didn’t feel right. Kunabee had built a group, something I’d always be too afraid to do. We could not be equals when she was so much better than me. I stared at her, the smile cautious, uncertain now, but still there.

Her apology caught me off guard and when I realized it was over the nickname I almost snorted in amusement. I wasn’t the only one, then, that second guessed every little quirk of my own. “Alphess--Kunabee, relax. I like it. My brother used to call me Gerry. Granted, he only did so because he was too lazy to say Geronimo, but,” I left it at that, not finishing the thought because I had not really thought of what else to put there. I just gave her an understanding smile, gentle and friendly. It was my honor to be someone the queen could be comfortable enough around to use such informal titles. It made my stomach buzz in an emotion I had long since felt--peace.

The smile fell away as her defence of Ende came forward. I looked to my paws, ashamed that I could not find it in me to agree with her. Family, sure they could be a family, but a family of assassins that do it without pay or reason. I will not trust anyone who can mask themselves, physically and emotionally, so easily. It isn’t natural and I did not like being unable to read what is going on behind the eyes. Eyes are supposed to tell the secrets you keep with your tongue--their’s are just as manipulative as the words they say. I said nothing more until her question about Vice came forward. Battle training--oh goody. As if I had not seen enough of that in my life. Regardless, my alphess had asked a question.

“I believe her and Jacqueline are still by the border along Ende, yes. But perhaps give her some time. She is fuming and on the verge of leaving Esson, I do believe. Let her come back on her own terms and, until then, I know Folami style fighting, and Sam knows feline style, so perhaps the two of us can train those who have none?” I suggested it lightly, not really enjoying the thought of training other’s, but knowing the battle is inevitable whether I train the family or not. It wasn’t like Ende would look at us and take pity because we don’t know what the hell we were doing.

No, they wouldn’t, because despite what Kunabee says, they are indeed monsters.

[Kunabee]

Kunabee

He had tolerated my gentleness, my touch; enjoyed it, even, and the nickname. A bond, a bond of memories both harsh and wonderful. The killing and the saving and all that roamed between. For his life the wild had been better; for mine, it was my dear home. Held forever in my heart, of course, and never forgotten. But also I needed to move on. All of us needed to move on from the horrible times in our pasts. Easy for me to say, perhaps, but yet I felt a heaviness in my heart whenever I thought of the Iriomote that taught me how to survive or of Bhuvana who had lost some light.

"Gerry's a good nickname. Geronimo's too formal. Perhaps you'll lighten up with someone calling you that?" I grinned at him, whacking him halfheartedly with my tail. We walked side-by-side now, and I wondered. It was always in the back of my mind, having children. Would I ever be able to fall in love with him? Well, perhaps. There was kindness there, and support, and he was attractive enough. But I won't go making the first move; or at least, not until a while yet. I would not have my urge for children be deciding who I fell in love with. I'd decide that on my own.

Ah, so they were still out there then. I nodded. "While you and Sam are wonderful, Vice has better uses than lookout," I replied, "And Jazz honestly shouldn't be left staring at Ende." I sighed. "She should be playing with Ashley." That sentence was filled with guilt and pain. I had let Denerbe in, and look where that left us. Daniel manipulated into leaving and Yone to die young. I was too stupid for my own good. How had I lived this long, anyway?

"Though," I added, "Everyone knows a little fighting, I believe. I certainly do. What we need is to get good at it, and then work as a team. A peace mission isn't the only reason to go to Ende." I grinned at him. "I half-expected it to work, but only half. I also took some mental notes. They're a tight military family. If Symphony 'Bava said 'fetch', they'd all fetch. That's how we need to be." I groaned. "Being the alphess is sure sometimes a b****."

I walked with him, smiling and happier. My stomach grumbled, I was exhausted, and Esson would have to pass its first test, but at the very least I had a friend.
A friend who would not become busy with his own pack or leave me because she lost belief. But one who was just as good.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I grinned sheepishly with her remark. Perhaps I should be offended, but how could the truth offend me? I was a stick in the mud more than half the time, Ferdinand had often called me as such. The prankster, light of the arena--and then there's me, the woe sayer. The nickname had done nothing to get the knots from my shoulders then, but this time could be different if I let it. There were good things now I could look to, family I could count on. Lightening up seemed like a very real future, if only I had the courage to let go of the skeletons in my closet.

The grin faded and my ears flicked back once more. This was unwise. People need space when they are as upset as Vice was currently. She hadn't been assigned lookout, she had chosen it. Vice knew herself better than our alphess here. I made a mental note to say goodbye to Jaquline once I saw her again. She'd go with Vice and if Kunabee went to them now, that would be the last time I ever saw her. She had been a rather stuck up child, but good at the center of it all. Then Ashley left and that confidence went with her--now Ashley was quiet, but I saw her play mommy to Yone and Ivan more than once.

I said nothing on the matter, not feeling it my place to point out the mistake my alphess would be making should she go to Ende border and fetch the pair. They didn't need apologies, they needed time. I put my ears forward mildly, eyes focused on the queen in thought. "You don't want to be Symphony Bava'. You need to develop your own leading style. The Ende cats were all either brought up in a military setting with generals similar to Symphony, or are dependent in some way. It is easy to make an army with such cats." I looked in the direction I knew Esson lay. "Your family is different. They need to be able to think for themselves and themselves alone." I turned my eyes back to her carefully, gaze narrowed, thoughtful. "You don't need obedience, Kunabee, you need them to trust you."

[Kunabee]

Kunabee

He didn't seem too offended, which was a good enough thing. Heh, I was feeling calmer - I was cheering up. No longer was I so filled with guilt and misery at my mistake. As large as it was, as much as it hovered over my head, I'd make it through it. I was listening to Geronimo; this much I made sure to do. Watching him, too. He didn't want me to talk to Vice. I sighed. I had to, however. I expressed my view.

"At the very least I need to tell her what I did and apologize for upsetting her. If she yells at me the rest of the time, well, then. But I also need to tell her that we need to fight and she's a good fighter." I sighed, nodding at him. My ear flicked. "Esson is just too small. And I'm worried sick about Daniel not being here, he's a folami damnit and Vice is pregnant." I rubbed my face with a paw in frustration. "Besides, I want to make it up to her by hearing her opinion on allies as well. Think I could talk to the two other prides? At least I'd be treated more kindly." I made a face. They were awfully rude to me. If someone comes following all the protocols they should be treated with respect. I'll admit, I was rude - but they started it.

Ohh, boy. Jazz was right... I am acting like a child.

"Symphony 'Bava is a coward when it comes to trust, so's the rest of his pride. Cowards, all of them. As brave as they are in other situations, they're too afraid to trust or give a damn. Not like you nor I could relate, but," I paused to give a sheepish grin. "But I also need you to listen to what I have to say. As much as I need to listen to you. I heard Vice's complaints of Ende; I know Ende are a problem. But, as we know humans..." I paused, with a frown. "They are going to attack us again. Ende's just the immediate threat. So, one day at a time then." I blinked, then shook my head.

"Esson needs to be a light," I said quietly, "That's why I've done the stupid act of creating this pride." I turned to Geronimo, blinking at him. "Well, we might as well get to camp." I grinned. "People have to stare in shock, you know."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I shrugged, unconvinced. I was worried for Kunabee, afterall. She needed this pride as much it needed her, perhaps a great deal more. Vice and Jaquline may leave and that would be two large warriors gone. We were already a small group, ad easy target for Ende's attacks. But I had said my opinion, now it was up to Kunabee. "I would advise against talking to Akando. They aren't as violent as Ende, but they frown upon outsiders." I offered what I knew guardedly, trying to sound as unathoritive as possible. I started walking once more with that, pace quick in the iriomote fashion. I did agree that we needed to get to camp and start training. Though I was sure humans would not be a problem, as long as Vea Apxn won their war, I did not want to see my pride torn apart by Symphony and his 'family'.