Living Tombstone [aw]

[I L Y I C H]

Night stretched long and tired before us. Most of the pack, one would assume, was asleep or else collapsed out in gods knew where. The pack was restless. Getting larger as the days went on, and all but filling with enough arrogance to suffocate every learning child under my command. It drove me mad and set tooth to tongue on a daily basis. All of these dogs claiming to be fully trained making stupid decisions on a daily basis. They would all be dead a week into their petty little war. Humans weren't a thing worth fighting for, and they would realize that as they all died by the fangs of better folami. Folami true to their wild instincts and own cleverness. Humans made robots. Stiff weak pathetic little robots. And how I despised most of them. This pack was a sack of hognose pretending to be vipers. Monsters without the intelligence to be anything more terrifying then a set of gremlins in the dark. There was no bite behind the bark and it make my skin all but crawl with disgust. Here I was at the height of it all, sat as an alpha beside the man who let them all be as they were. Was proud of it. Snarling low under my breath I stood smoothly; muscles well worked and loose.

I took pride in my form. In my willingness to improve and provide for those around me. I was a pack dog threw and thew even if I was never quiet sure how to interact with those around me. The very idea that these fools would deny my attempts to teach them made my mind turn in frenzied circles. How could one be unwilling to improve? Simply because some moronic human had claimed them to be perfect? Had I not defeated any who came to me with threat in their tone. Pride in learning was where I took most of my self respect. How could anyone be naive enough to believe they ever needed to stop training? That dogs like me became useless after a certain age? Certainly not any of my good pupils. Or any of the smarter dogs in this pack. Stalking in silence I slipped away from camp in a form of ice. Darkness was on the horizon and none of these idiots were prepared for it. They allowed themselves to be distracted from the reality of war. Of death.

Hidden in the shadows despite the thickness of the moon I sped away on lithe limbs. I could not stand to be within camp for very long now these days. With Bidziil's distraction being so far away Nimrod was nervous. Which only made the pack all the more shifty. All the less able to be dealt with. Arrogant idiots the lot of them. Depth was lacking in all parts. Politics and supposed loyalty allowed all these folami to claim humans as god. As perfect beasts. Yet man's training techniques would fail them in a war where their enemies adapted. I would be forced to watch my pack mates die for their own inability to admit their damnable weakness and it infuriated me. Drove me away from them in the hopes that I could simply continue to hate them all for their short comings. But I could not stop myself my attachments. It was difficult to live with anyone and not find a reason to provide them with loyalty. This was after all still my pack. Still my people; even if I must face the idea that so many of them would die when the humans marched.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I did not lack sight, I saw her leave.
I did not lack hearing, I heard her swift movements.
I did not lack smell, I could scent her frustration.
It was the love I wanted to give her that escaped me. She taught me as if nothing was wrong, allowed me to have my weakness and made something better sprout from it. I had to watch her corrections, lest I tumble if she put pressure to redirect me physically. My whiskers were useless, unable to sense the surrounding world or know that my ankle was rolling as the rock moved beneath me steps. Of course I was following my teacher, the only dog besides my mother that thought I could be normal. She did not look to my brother and see perfection in his senses, she looked me and saw power in my flaws. I could fight until death and never hesitate. To be able to fight through pain is magical and, thanks to my teacher, I had learned it was something I should be proud of. Though I knew not the gentle touch of a loving embrace, I still knew fury. Theodora was angry and it was something she was not worthy of feeling. I would kill the beast that upset her.

They would have to kill me to stop me.

My small form wove nimbly through the brambles and pines, silence not yet masted but the attempt still being there. I had to walk slow, lightly. I could not feel a branch about to snap beneath my feet or twig catching in my fur to spring and rustle the others upon release. My ears sat back as a rock bounced off my toes and clashed against a boulder. I stopped walking, my cover blown and disgust in myself falling across my emerald gaze. I kept my dignity as much as I could, head and tail high, though my eyes showed clearly the self disapointment. I approached my teacher carefully, though no longer even trying towards silence. “Is everything okay, Miss Theodora, ma’am?”

[I L Y I C H]

One ear twisted back sharply, my eyes narrowing at the sound. Meli's scent brushed into my nose however, preventing the fury bubbling into my throat from releasing. Swallowing my snarl I set my face into a hardness that should be accustom to the little ebony pelted girl. She did not need to be subjected to my frustrations. "When you walk drag your pads across the ground. You will hear the press while another thinks it's wind or smaller animals." Meli may not be able to feel the roll of rock under paw but she could make it so she could hear it without giving herself away. Perhaps set it to her advantage. If another folami was prepared for a smaller cat she could give them quiet a surprise. Turning my muzzle enough to watch the pup walk forward, I frowned thickly.

I had little issue with allowing Meli into my thought process. She was a good child and one who I trusted to keep my worries to herself. But I also did not wish to place upon her my own frustrations. It would be counter productive. Sighing softly, I turned tawny eyes back to the moonlit forest. "Child, we are surrounded by fools" Allowing a ripple of my hackles I turned fully to nod in welcome to Meli. She should in all honesty be back in camp but what difference did it make? Tamriel would be worried should she find the girl gone but she would not upset so I saw little trouble with it. Children needed to grow away from their parents, and in the dark without prying eyes Meli allowed herself a certain level of openness otherwise unexpressed.

"What are we to do with a pack of idiots, hmmm?" It was pathetic. Anyone unwilling to learn deserves to be killed by the thing smarter then them. Frustration brought a heavy lash of my ears, though I swiftly fell back into the general layer of ice that seemed to settle my exterior. A family trait, it seemed. All of us had one advantage and it was our ability to set up a mask. "What of you Meli? How goes your practicing?" I would much prefer to hear of the girl's activities then focus on the carnage in the near future. My pack, this family though it hated being called as such, would collapse soon. I was not looking forward to it.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I shuffled lightly to test her theory curiously, eager to find a way to have silence. I circled her once without staring down as my instincts told me to do. I moved slower this way, but she was right; my feet brushed lightly across stick and stone, sounding like the rustle of a mouse or even the wind, and I was able to know it was a giver of secrets. I stopped after I came back to my place I had began, looking up with guarded eagerness to the teacher. I showed no hint of pride, for I had none. There was still too much for me to learn before I was worthy of letting even a sliver of the arrogant thoughts reach my mind. I blinked at her curiously, sitting down neatly and waiting for the woman to continue.

Her words came and I rolled my eyes in agreement. I often watched those dogs fed to us recently from the human labs. Bidziil told us to be careful around them but said nothing more. Only through observation did I see he disliked them and that they were idiots, so I knew it was a secret and I had not said such to anyone. But hearing my superior refer to them as such was lightening--I knew no truly honest dog, so hearing someone unafraid of punishment was soothing. “The humans teach them backwards, I think.” It didn’t sound right, but I was still mastering all arts, speaking being one of them. My message would get across, I was sure, though. I slouched, despite so often hiding behind the soldier facade, frustrated by this topic. I could smell tension in the air and everyone was saying the word war in eager tones. I did not like anything they could find excitement in. War, from what I gather, is just a bunch of fighting. I enjoyed fighting, but with reason. Why were we about to go to this war thing? Why was Bidziil so unhappy about it, but only when around my mother and Theodora? Why did the un-trustworthy dogs seem to ache for it? Who were the humans and why did they suck so bad at teaching their dogs how to survive?

“A pack of idiots will get us killed in the war.” I tried to sound educated, confident, but there was a hint of uncertainty tainting the edges. Perhaps a childish need in me wanted to impress my teacher, but I was being a liar if I claimed to know what any of the talk meant. I flicked my ears as she tried to shift the topic to me, deciding to answer quickly but then turn the tables back around. “I got hunting down pretty okay, I guess. I still can’t seem to pounce a mouse, but I think what you just told me about my walking will help. Cats and folami are smarter, though. I am still working on my focusing.” I blinked sheepishly, shifting to show a deep wound under my left forearm. “I pounced a young lioness two days ago and didn’t notice this scratch until I got back and Nimrod pointed it out. Ellipses said it was close to an artery or something. He put on his disappointed face and said I need to keep my nose open for my own blood.” I looked to the ground. I got so caught up in fighting that I never noticed when it is my own blood smell in the air. Nimrod had told me that we only have so much blood in our body, so I need to stay focused so I don’t bleed out, because then I am no use in a battle. He had said it with his concerned eyes, not his angry eyes. I still didn’t like him.

I shook my head so throw away the thoughts and blinked upwards at my teacher once more. “But, if you don’t mind, I have a question.” I paused briefly, but only to gather my thoughts. “Everyone keeps saying there is a war between humans and folami coming. If that is the case, why do they keep more of our kind out here? Doesn’t that just increase their op-i-si-shon?” I tried the to sound out the word but just in case it was wrong, I followed it by a simpler ‘enemy’. “And, why do they hate us? The folami are dumb, but I never saw a human. They can’t be that close by, so why do they hate us? Or fear us? I sneak out all the time and I have never ever seen one. Ever.” Frustration leaked into my tone. I didn’t want to see my siblings killed. Tess was blind and thought that was all she’d ever be. She couldn’t fight. Quanah could not smell the threats and thought he was useless despite all his efforts. Viiper was deaf and a bit of a flutter-brain. I never let any of them know but I loved them and the thought that might get killed in a stupid war thing bubbled fury into my throat. “It just is so stupid.”

Perhaps I sounded like a child but fact of the matter was, I was one.

[I L Y I C H]

I followed the child with my ears while she paced around me, only focusing intently with my eyes when the black form strode directly before me. Pace and pad were well thought out and put together. Good. Flicking my ears I shifted to face the girl when she sat, and let out a low huff of agreement at her rolling eyes. "They teach them that there is an end to teaching. I agree, it is a backwards thing." Throwing one long hard look back towards camp I gave my tail a light flick before returning my gaze to the child. "They will get themselves killed in war." I stated, voice a clump of snow hanging in my throat. "And they will force good dogs down when they try to rescue the idiots." I wanted to cuss and beat the ground in fury but it was not the folami I was. I was unlike my sister, never able to express myself loudly. Only in quiet motions. Hopeful motions that had swiftly fallen to ice as they settled now. I did not wish to watch my family burn themselves to the ground.

But I digressed, and focused on what Meli had to say of her learnings. Jaw dipping down slightly I watched the experimental child curiously. Her time was devoted to learning. To making herself better and I felt nothing but pride for her. Tamriel had given birth to a fine daughter at the very least. There was hope yet for this coming generation, if this child at least could learn from her mistakes. Pups were followers. They would see the proper ways in Meli's actions. One could only hope. "Yes" I agreed quietly, tawny eyes surveying the damage lightly. Lips twitching into a ghost of a smile I gave an uncharacteristic shrug falling out of my soldierly for but a moment. "A fight is distracting. As you grow you will find a better ability to focus. Perhaps try listening to only a pair of sense at a time." My head cocked slightly to the side as my body regained it's normal stiff posture. "You have four of your sense operational. Perfect them. But it will take time and frustration is worthless."

My greatest annoyance with Nimrod rested in his inability to accept time into any equation. Nothing occurred over night and children did not become war lords with the falling of their first sun. "Do not listen to them. Learning experiences are always valuable." And in Meli's case, possibly fatal. "But do be sure to watch. Listen. When your prey falls before you check again." I would not be having my new pupil fall for a thing placed upon her by human hand. Having finished my own comments I flicked my ears at the ink pelted girl. "I will never turn down a question." So I sat in silence and listened to her entire question, eyes narrowing slightly as she went on. All were good questions. All things that a child would not understand. "It pains me to know no one has told you why yet. You are not stupid for your youth."

Perhaps Tamriel would be upset with me at a later date for my sharing of knowledge but I found little reason in treating children differently. Especially wen they were more often then not more willing to learn then any adult. "The war that is coming is between folami and humans, yes. But it is between the folami loyal to the humans and Vea Apxn as well." Turning my head to the east I watched the blue light of the moon skip between the trees. "They release more dogs here in hopes that they will have more dogs to fight for them when they come to destroy the folami not loyal to them." I grunted in amusement, feeling my eyes crinkle and knowing the cruel humorous gleam was set in them. "Their loyal dogs are out numbered you see, and twice as stupid to boot."

"The humans hate us because they made us, and then we thought. We were suppose to stay stupid. Now that they can't control us they are angry. You are right child. It is stupid." Black pelt rippling in the light winds I allowed my shoulders to loosen as I sank to my belly neatly. "I for one find it all very depressing. It will be depressing to loose so many dogs from this pack but their own stupidity will be what kills them." Eyes turning back to Meli I gave the girl a long look before I finally blinked and focused in on her intently. "Might I tell you a secret child?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My mother was a good dog, would she die for a stupid one? I knew Bidziil would, even if he hated them. He would even die for Nimrod. He came back once when my eyes had only just opened with a new wound on his throat. He said something about a tiger's claw. Nimrod had had a surprised look still on him as he dropped the rump of the tiger, saying something about Bidziil saving his life. Bidziil hated Nimrod. I guess that was why Nimrod was so surprised. Still, it didn't make sense. Nimrod was smart in his own way, but if you are dumb enough to die, shouldn't you? Of course, that would mix up the words dumb and weak. I would like someone to point out when my throat is bleeding and not just say I should die because I can't feel it. It was a very murky area, so I guess it was okay to die for others, even if you don't like them. Good dogs do that. Maybe I am just not a good dog. This didn't bother me. I would die for Theodora, my mother, and my siblings. Maybe Bidziil, and probably Moran and Brian. But would I die for Nimrod or Jackson or Merchant or anyone else? I couldn't see it happening, but maybe war makes you do things you wouldn't normally do.

I looked to Theodora nervously. "You won't die for idiots, will you. I mean, who would teach the pups to be smart if you go away?" Childish innocence leaked into my tone and I hated it, but I couldn't help it. Theodora, Bidziil had once said, gives him hope for even the newest generations. He liked kids, but he was no teacher, while Nimrod could teach but he was an idiot. We needed Theodora, and I would hate to see her go away because the humans taught their dogs the wrong way. As her attention turned to my critical analysis on myself, I listened eagerly. Theodora always said things in a way that corrected me without making me feel small. Others blamed my disability when something happened, but they shouldn't. I did not belong to my disability, it belonged to me. I had to control it, and each mistake is my own. I would not refuse to accept responsibility for myself like Tess did. I would learn and adapt. There was no other way.

My eyes widened as Theodora explained the war. It was not a fearful expression, just surprised. "But, Bidziil's family is in Vea Apxn. Isn't Bidziil human loyal?" My gaze narrowed. I guess he wasn't really. I heard him grumble something when my hearing first developed that he won't ever forgive them for what they did to my siblings and me. I blinked away my confusion, heat creeping into my gaze. "The humans took away my touch, didn't they? And Tess' sight, Quanah's smell, and Viiper's hearing? We will fight on Vea Apxn's side, right? And Bidziil will? And my mom?" I shot it out rapid fire, suddenly feeling the need to train even harder. The humans cursed my family and now they wanted to control us, too? These humans did not sound very good at all. Why would anyone want to be controlled by creatures that don't even live out here with us? We had our alphas and second in commands to boss us around enough, do we really need humans to do it, too?

My agitation fled as Theodora asked a question of her own. I turned guarded excitement towards her, ears perked as I leaned in carefully. "Of course! I will not tell a soul!" I heard Brian and Moran exchange hushed words sometimes, and Bidziil did with my mother. Merchant and Nomad did sometimes, too. Everyone had their friends, but I had never really branched out, too determined on my mission to absorb the world. Not to mention I didn't like the idea of being emotionally attached to anyone--it was annoying enough caring about my family, and Theodora. But I did want to prove I could be a friend, though, it was just that I chose not to be. Nothing would pry the secret from me.

Torture me all you want, it won't mean a thing.

[I L Y I C H]

My ears flicked atop my skull, face turning serious as I looked back to Meli. "If I must die for my pack mates then I shall." Turning forward I closed my eyes and blew a lung full of air out. How was I meant to make a child understand this particular point of view? "They are, despite their failings, still my pack mates. I must do for them what I must." Voice falling quiet for a long moment I allowed a small level of sentiment onto my lips, into a short frown of worry. I had trained most of these dogs after all. Knew them better then most others would care to do for the sake of their own good. Not that many of them noticed or cared. Still I had a connection to these people and I would come to regret what the future held in times to come. Not yet. I held no true sympathy for them now. Only a ghost of emotion trapped somewhere in a heart not use to it's casted shadow.

"I have a duty to them." I stated calmly. "And you are all smart children. I have faith in you should I have the honor of dying for my pack." Death was not a thing I feared. I did not particularly wish to die for the fools I would if I had to. This was my pack. The place I raised children to their potential and cared for the dogs who denied my training. Even if they hated me. Even if I appeared all but useless to so many of them. I would not restrain myself. "It is not something to worry yourself over child." Tawny eyes slid sideways, focusing on Meli's anger as it built. "Yes." The humans had stolen her everything. Used her body as an experiment and failed to consider the fact that this ebony girl was in fact a living thing. Yet in doing so they had also failed to take control of her. Lost her mind completely and dropped it to me. Us. A smirk brushed across my lips, the ice breaking for a moment.

"Bidziil's family is in Vea Apxn, yes. And he will fight for them." Ears flicking backwards I considered for a moment. "It will break this pack apart as the fools rush to their humans and the rest fight to understand where they are to go. Your mother will go to Bidziil's side. Your siblings I am unsure of." One canine bared under the edge of my lip I dropped back into considering. "Bidziil hasn't been human loyal for years, my dear child. They did to him what they have done to you." I could still remember back to those dark days. I'd not come into this place until shortly after my sister had left. Had heard of our brother's death from a secondary source. Yet I had watched Bidziil for these long years and I knew him well. "As I will fight with them" I agreed in the end.

Offering up a slightly warmer smile I looked down at Meli. Such a curious child. She had a shortage of friends and found it difficult in any way to open up to her siblings and mother. Should she find some comfort in my company then I saw little trouble with it. Children were far superior to adults any way. Twice as clever and more knowledgable then anyone gave them credit for. Shifting slightly I dipped my skull to meet the girl at her own height. She would grow large, but for now I must take precautions. I supposed it was easily found information but I found it difficult to speak aloud. And dangerous to boot. It made me wonder what dear Nimrod would do should he hear me speak these words. Knowing how bitterly loyal I was. Knowing that despite it all blood and respect would take my expertise away from his own foolish pups.

"My sister leads Vea Apxn, and I mean to protect her and my nieces and nephews when the time comes." Tawny eyes darkly serious I sat back up. I had made little inclination of my own familial obsession but it was there. Pride was thick as well. What Carska had done alone was brilliant. What she had accomplished through intelligence and sheer bullishness was impressive. I was drawn to it. "It is important, child, that you always fight for your siblings." Tail swishing once I lifted my head up along the laying curve of my back to look up at the fat blue moon. "Family can hate and fight but they will always be yours." A long pause followed after, tail once again twitching but this time in irritation. "Even if they do not know you live. Just yet."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

So she may leave me afterall, for dogs who did not deserve her loyalty--did not care for it. I tried to understand as she explained, but I found myself frowning heavily, distancing myself. I did not want to know what it felt like to lose someone. I could hide how much I cared when everyone was around me, but if someone left I could not promise myself I wouldn't physically show how much it hurt. Though, I did trust in her judgment. She would not die for those there is no saving. I could believe, whether it was rational or not, that she would not hesitate to let someone die alone. It was silly to risk your life for those that did not appreciate it, even more so to risk your neck for someone who has no chance of surviving. If Quanah's neck was bleeding and he was barely alive, I would not jump in front of a claw for him. It hurt me to picture my brother in such a hopeless state, but if this war was really going to happen I might have to see it.

I had to replace my leather mask with stone.

Not something to worry myself over. I looked to the ground, eyes narrowed in irritation. So it was wrong for me to care, then. It wasn't a bitter thought, more disappointed. I had let myself soften for certain dogs and it was wrong. Many are fooled by the manipulative powers of a mother's touch, teaching them gentle things such as love. I had never experienced it and yet I still found myself fallen into the bad place. Because love is bad, isn't it? Nimrod wasn't very upset when Rickalaru disappeared. Nimrod was a dumb dog, but he had survived well for longer than anyone. He was clearly doing something right--maybe love makes you a different kind of stupid. A careless stupid. A willing to die for others unworthy of it stupid. I blinked in understanding. I had to step away from the emotional side of mortality, then. I had to be a better version of Nimrod. A dog who may not love those around her, but will not let that detachment shield her from the fact that you are never done learning. This was a lot of the dog's heres problem. They looked to Theodora when they arrived and rolled their eyes at her lessons. The humans had perfected them, in their mind. What could a folami teach them that the humans had not thought of? I scowled at the knowledge of knowing some dogs thought so low of my teacher.

I shook it away. I could be loyal to Theodora, but I could not love her.

I blinked up in surprise when Theodora made mention of her sister leading Vea Apxn. I didn't know the leader there, Carska, but I did know she was Bidziil's mate. I hadn't been aware there was family connection between my teacher and my alpha, especially not through the opposing pack. Or ally pack, I suppose, as I already knew which side I would fight for in the end. Though I was concerned that even one of my siblings would pick against us. The perfect brother, perhaps. Bitterness pooled into my eyes. I knew my brother cared about us, but the humans had been good to him and let him keep everything. He could easily choose to fight for them, feeling a sense of loyalty due to his good fortune. "But, what if my siblings split down the middle? How do I fight both sides?" It wasn't fair and I let the anger and uncertainty mold my voice into a low pitch, tone mild as I masked it with a sense of distance. Even if every sibling fought for the humans, though, I knew I wouldn't fight them. I couldn't. Or could I? How could I say with certainty when I have never known the pressures of war? Until now I hadn't even been sure what war really was. I shook it away, the uncertainty. It wouldn't do anything but hinder. Or maybe I just wasn't ready to think about any of it. But would I ever be?

Looking upwards towards the blue moon, I narrowed my eyes. "I guess I should go home before mom wakes up." Who knows how much longer I can sleep in the same den as my siblings. At any point the humans could march and we will learn who's loyal to who.

[I L Y I C H]

Watching her thought process played out I sat in silence with Meli. It was inevitable that such a thing would occur, after all. The forces that moved the world were cruel things. Science and religion both made out towards viciousness. Tawny eyes slipped closed as the question slipped into the air. Was I to lie to a child? No. It would do nothing but allow for greater sorrow. I couldn't make it come or go. "I do not know child." Tail curving back into my body I let out a low breath, breathing back in the chill of the night. The chill of honesty. "I've not yet faced that lesson. I do not know it's answer." It was after all the truth of the situation. I knew nothing of difficulty when it came to my family. Half of it was unaware of my existence after all. "It will hurt and burn and freeze all at once." I remembered what it was to leave behind my milk brother, despite his own apathetic taste of loyalty.

"And in the end there will be guilt." I could not forsee the future, and I did not face the trials that this girl would face. What would she do should her siblings split apart from her? A girl who wanted the world for them, but could not feel their love in return. Sentenced to nothing for all of eternity. "The humans deserve to be destroyed for all they have done." I stated finally, golden eyes blinking back open. "It does not mean that their puppets do." Bidziil had after all been a puppet for such a long time. Broken his strings while a prisoner. But then Lucifer too was all but a prisoner and yet he did not cut those things. He allowed them to break him. Resell him into a demon. "Only time will give you answers." I offered, voice low and falling back into it's accustom form of ice. I had no answers for this child. Only witty little ideas. Poetry. Useless things really. After all what did I know of her struggles?

"Time is, after all, your greatest teacher."

Listening to Meli I gave her a short nod. "Go then. Do not wake her on your way back in. She suffers from the same fears as you, Meli." And truly what terror must dear Tamriel feel? As hard as this would be on my student what could a mother do should she meet her child on the fields of war? Moran was to me as I would imagine these pups were to that woman. I could not fight the child now. Perhaps at the start, when he was but another student. Now the boy was my son, no matter the actual relation. But blood it seemed made a difference, and I still could not fathom the press of emotion that must be turning Tamriel to ice now. "Should anyone be looking for me tell them I am hunting." I'd come out here to think, and the child had given me more gruel to chew over. Interruption was the last thing I wished for.