What We Don't Know [Bhu.]

[I L Y I C H]

What pain I stumbled through every now and again had never included vomiting in it's wonderful little repatuar. Now I couldn't stop fucking upchucking. It was worse in the morning right when I sat up like my damn stomach was trying to remove itself from existence. Dio knew thats probably what it was trying to do anyway. If I had something the size of half of me clutching to me I'd be pretty pissed too. It worried me though, in a dark morbid place. This had never happened to me. The nausea. Change in my disease wasn't something I exactly wanted to face right now. Father had died near his third birthday. I was getting far too close to that number to feel safe in my own skin. I wanted to be optimistic. Wanted to wave it away and think maybe I would last longer then he had. But I knew I wouldn't. I could feel the tumor growing larger in my gut as time went on. Could feel my strength draining slowly but surely as my endurance started to drop. Times were a runnin'.

So it had taken me more time then usual to make an effort to sneak out on my own. It was hard as fuck to just wave everyone else off when I ran for their sake to puke outside of camp every morning. Ilyich and Vengrad were both distracted by the children outside camp. Something about teaching hunting skills to two month olds. Not that I judged. I mean fuck those two german assholes were the best hunters Zonta had. It was just a little bit creepy, but then they both were a shit ton more then a little bit creepy. Buddy had gone with in his awkward worried state, definitely judging though the twins didn't seem to give many fucks about it. Dio only knew where Alphonse was but that little shit head would walk onto the scene sooner or later. His damn stalker senses would start tingling. Bastard had magic in his whiskers.

But it gave me time to think until he decided to whisk out onto the scene. Time to contemplate and bring to mind what mother had said about father before she sunk back into herself and refused to act like he'd ever existed. He'd never been violently nauseous. At least not from what I remember. Was I just different or was it something else? What else could it fucking be- No. No that wasn't possible. Paws slamming into the ground to bring my light trot to a stop I stared blankly into the afternoon sunlight in front of me. Morning sickness. It was fucking morning sickness. Realization of what an utter idiot hit me right before the elephant sized weight of guilt. Self-hatred. I'd sworn to myself I would never let this happen. I'd sworn I would never sentence anyone to die the way I had been. I'd promised every atom in this fucking universe that I wouldn't have children just to force them to watch me die. To force anyone of them to die as I had. To live with that terror.

Shaking and unable to stop it I clenched my jaw viciously. I'd fucking kill him. It was just as much my fault as Alphonse's but Dio dammit I would take everything out on him. It was one of my most often pointed out character flaws. Sucking in air as the panic started to build up I began to move again. Quickly. Violently, with all twenty claws roots deep in the dart to the point where one cracked and bled under the force. Move. Needed to move. Pace. Calm down and stop thinking. Like that would happen, but I needed to. Panic and anxiety was creeping up the back of my throat. Or maybe it was just more puke, who the fuck knew.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I couldn’t remember the last time I had been truly happy in every sense of the word. Through childhood I had been naive and pretended I didn’t realize how abused I was, but deeper down I had known. It had hurt me on a phsycological level. The way I had been raised had created what I was as an adult--I stole away the joy of others so I wouldn’t have to suffer alone. It had been selfish of me, but my mother had raised me subconsciously in that fashion. My faults were my own, but I couldn’t help but be angry at her. Wait, no, I was angry at Ahote. He had shaped her into that creature she was when I was born.

I shook away the thoughts, knowing they had little power over me anymore. Gus slept a few paces to my left, hiding himself in the shade of a bramble in hopes Charleston would not discover him. I smiled softly in his direction, though it was not intended for him. I had Zero now. There was no more of that watching from the distance and dreaming nonsense, we were actually something real. And despite everything I had told myself about love, it felt good. I had allowed myself to level out. I forced myself to step away from the spiral downwards I had been on. There was something more important than revenge for me to live for now.

Climbing to my paws, I felt a pull towards the tree-line. I had become less clingy since we actually came together, allowing Zero her independence. I would only damage what we had if I demanded we sew ourselves together. I wanted Zero to be happy more than anything, and so I allowed her her serenity. I knew I was a burden and I would never understand why she loved me, but I wasn’t asking questions. For once life had given me something to be grateful for.

Still, my instincts guiding me to her had never lead me wrong in the past. Normally she would leave camp and I would simply send her a gentle wave or dip of my head, but this time my eyes had followed her and locked on her exit position. I waited a short while, simply observing my camp. Ilyich and Vengrad had taken the children out for training, Buddy was fussing over it, Gus was sleeping, Dio only knew where Charleston was. Everyone here were fine with or without me, so I allowed myself to get distracted and head to the trees.

I regretted my decision the moment green eyes set on the leopardess. Discomfort was plain on her, as well as the emotion in her gaze. I moved forward cautiously, knowing better than to push my way into her, though that was my go to reaction to another’s agony. “Zero, what’s wrong?” I could smell vomit faintly in the air. That was different from her normal illness. My breathing quickened ever so slightly but I only let myself bend my knees so my stomach was just brushing the ground, gaze still locked on the woman. Submission. Though I tried to play tough guy to the world, preferring being seen as the overly confident asshole, Zero received the truer side of me. I was a coward--and nothing scared me more than my mate’s pain.

[I L Y I C H]

Stiffness locked my muscles in place, throat working angrily. How was I suppose to respond? I'd none the man would appear, it was his way after all. He'd gotten better about it in these last months, but still. A nosey man was always a nosey man. Teeth gritting I refused to turn around. I'd face this head on. No reason to hide my own petty personality for him. Alphonse knew me better then that after all. Tail lashing once, I bit down on my tongue and stood still. Now I realized we weren't the brightest of people, but one would think you would recognize something like this in yourself. So yeah it was mostly my fault. My inability to differentiate and refusal to mention my own illness. Oh yes, that illness. That was such a nice word. Such an easy word. As if it would go away at some point. I would recover; such a bad cold that was. This was going to kill me. Kill me, and now it was going to do it to someone else. Because I couldn't keep it in my pants. Just like my damn father. Just like the person I hated the most. Bitterly. Passionetly. And now I'd repeated his mistake. The greatest mistake. I'd fallen in love with that fucking adorable dipshit and now I was stuck.

Stuck and falling down. Gravity was a bitch. When I finally manage to bite past my own fury the words were sharp and vicious. Lined with acid which didn't have any right to cut across him but I couldn't stop it. I was an angry person, after all, been told it so many times before. Hadn't I? "Whats wrong?" I mimed it back at him, sarcasm thick and biting. "What's fucking wrong?" What did he want to hear from me? Oh yeah I knew he had no clue. I'd just reasoned it out after all, and I could probably give birth in front of him and Al would just wonder where they'd come from. Still fury made my legs shake, and my head throb. "I'm going to die, thats what's wrong. And I've sentenced another person to my damn fate. Because I was selfish." I was quivering with it, and oh maybe it wasn't just anger. Exostensial crisis time, I guess. Heat pooled behind my eyes and I sniffed irritably trying to force it to go away. Because I couldn't do this. So many reasons why I'd never wanted children but…

And there was the but.

My mind was struggling with itself, biting off little bits and spitting them out in the wrong places. Look at his stupid face, and I was deffinetly not going to be holding back tears now, I couldn't help that but. Whatever was inside of me. Whoever they were, they were his. Alphonse's stupid clumsy inconsolable kids. Ears flat back behind my head I took a small jolting step backwards in an effort to control myself. Only ended up putting me on my butt, but when did anything I ever did make sense or work out how I wanted it to work out? Damnable old Zero. Cept I wasn't old, and I never would be. At one point in time I'd thought when I left this world in whatever fit of agony or suicide I went out in I wouldn't be leaving behind anyone. Not a soul to care about decrepit Zero. Now I was leaving behind a soul who couldn't stand the loss. I'd already found someone to destroy totally with it. Found my own selfish little outlet. Someone to miss me. Now I wasn't just stealing away from my Al. I would be leaving behind children. If I lived long enough to birth them. If I lived long enough to suckle and wean them.

So many ifs.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I wouldn't pretend like I understood, not completely. I held my ground against her anger, knowing her shields were all set up for their reasons. I held my tongue and let the woman break down in front of me. It was not her illness this time and that brought me an odd sense of comfort, though my nerves were on end in morbid curiosity and fierce concern. I reached out a paw and touched her lightly on her own, blinking back my own emotions so as to properly tackle her's. The difference between my mother and I is that I am willing to reach beyond myself. She may have in the past, but in the time I knew her I knew only the woman that shielded herself from everyone else, at the price of everyone around her. She lost her ability to read another, to care. I refused to become that.

"I-I don't understand." I said it earnestly, carefully, my voice quiet and unsure. With Zero I didn't need to pretend I was strong, or dominant. She knew my uncertainties, insecurities. I shuffled closer, as if the heat from my fur would give me an answer, some foothold in her words. "You're not selfish." How could someone who gave a man like me a chance consider themselves selfish? My head throbbed with the thought of Zero thinking so lowly of herself. I felt as if I had failed at my duty--I had not shown her properly how important and perfect she really was. I ducked my head in hopes to press it lightly against her forehead.

An image flashed through my mind, words twisted. I pulled my head back sharply, absorbing the thoughts as each thing pieced together. I recalled a moment of aggression where Zero had said her father had had the same illness she had, that she had inherited it from him. Then came the pleasure of our time together and all the things that could come of it. My breathing slowed as my brain came to terms with the message behind her furious words. "You're pregnant." I said it flatly, understanding her anger and anxieties. A jump in my chest let me know I was excited with the news, but I could not bring myself to show it. Elation seemed out of place with Zero so distressed. We had done a terrible thing and no amount of joy would change the fact that we very likely doomed another being to Zero's fate.

Oh, but maybe, just maybe, things would be okay.