Seperation (AW)

[Kunabee]

Ekshen

I was confused. I was emptied of all that I had. So I wailed. It was silent, it was a wailing in my heart. It hurt.
I had watched it play out. I was awake, I had watched Alonda and Mama talking... and I thought it would be all okay. I didn't know where my loyalties lie... I never have. I figured that they'd join and get rid of Lucifer and it'd be all happy and okay again... but then there was Daddy. I nearly ran out from where I hid. But I didn't. Because then it was bad. Sweet happiness cut short by him being mean.
So I kept watching. I didn't step out, didn't declare my loyalties. I was surprised... at first Alonda was with Mommy, and then... she wasn't. So it was Mahal and Mommy, Alonda and Daddy. I didn't know what to do. Alpha? I'd have to call him alpha?
Then Paradox was there, and he ripped out Alaois's wing and I was so happy. That stuck up jerk deserved it, he deserved every bit of cruelty he got. But Daddy laughed. I nearly cried, nearly broke out in tears right there, but I couldn't.
What is so wrong with the world that I have to choose between family and family? The pack split broke my heart and two. Why, why does it hurt so much? It hurts! It hurts more then anything! Anything ever! And it's going to kill me because it's painful, and getting worse.
I'll be a loner. But I can't. It's too lonely. Even Paradox and Ayita have each other; I have nobody. I have no-one because I can't decide what to do, I can't f***ing decide. I hate my indecision.
I roll on my back, in pain. My heart. My heart. It hurts so bad it's going to kill me.
So I'll travel between the home of my Mama and Mahal in the central lands, the freelands, and then go to the Falomi lands with my Daddy - Alpha - and Alonda. And I'll watch. But I can't let anybody but Mahal and Alonda see me.
I know they'll be there for me. But why does the seperation of the pack - my family? - have to be the seperation of my heart, too?

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I knew that smell. It was so familiar. But to place a name was beyond me.

Months had past since I had left the pack, but the tang of this scent was canine and Folami were the only canines I knew. If it had been Daiade, I would have read the smell without a moments thought. But as it was, it only held an edge of Daiade on it. This left me with one conclusion.

The dog was of relations to Daiade.

I paused midstep, my plump stomach nearly setting me off balance. Was it Mahal? Carska? No, it wasn't them. I knew their scents with decentcy, too. Maybe it was one of the other brothers, or that dreaded sister. But why alone? Folami don't typically wander alone when their yearlings like those children. Maybe it didn't share Daiade's scent. Maybe the time had smudged my memories.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Creeping forward, I positioned myself neatly in some briars, using the pink flowers on the forest floor to mask my own scent. Eyes dancing, I examined the typically Folami largeness. Recongnition played across my face as I stood and stepped causually from the brush. My eyes were vacant and my lips formed no smile.

"Hello, Cousin Ekshen."

Ooc//: Sorry for shortness. I am about to go job hunting but I wanted to shove in a reply

[Kunabee]

Ekshen

I nearly flew out of my skin, I was so surprised. The pain in my heart all but took my energy. It was going to burst. But then, there she was. It took me a moment, and I started to growl. Food, was my first thought, and then Abeni. That recognition made me stop, and blink. She was a feline, a plaything, I was of that mindset, but she was familiar. And I didn't know anything anymore.
I looked the she-lion up and down. The swelling of her belly... I recalled memories of Helsa's pregnancies and nearly choked. She was PREGNANT???![/b]
"S***, you're pregnant?!" I gasped, unable to come up with something better. Suddenly it felt like something had ripped open my chest, and I whimpered, crouching lower. My heart... it hurt. It hurt with misery. The little lioness was going to have babies. I remembered Uncle Daiade's love for her, and remembered faintly how she was always so behind everything. Then I got a hold of myself, my heart's aching subsiding.
"It's all a mess," was my second sentence to the lioness-gone-missing. I shook my head. And then something came out of character.
"I've missed you. I've missed... everything." The change within me was extraordinary, but I grew lost in memories then. Memories of a happy family.
Where had my happiness gone?

WOOC; Poor Ekshen. His emotions are physically paining him D=

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The boy looked broken. As broken as I had been when Adaeze was killed by Bidziil. As destraught as when Akila was ripped to shreds before my very eyes. That sort of hopeless sorrow when everything you know is gone, nothing left. I had that deep longing for some familiarity. Of course, I had done this to myself. I had made myself isolated so that Daiade would be safe. This was my choice, however much I hated it. But Ekshen....

"Why alone, Cousin? I missed you, too, but you should be with Aunty Carska." My stare was lethal, but not in a threatening way. I knew I was an adult. I knew I should speak wisdom to this lost little child. I knew all these things, but I knew not how to do them. All I could offer was a a demanding tone for the boy to have some sort of adult supervision. I scowled, knowing that wasn't what the boy needed but seeing nothing else for me to do. He was a yearling Folami, about the size of me already.

[I L Y I C H]

Carska was frantic, and I plowed after her out of our new camp. My chest was thick with pain and stiff with healing tissue. The limp was just as bad as it had been in the begening. Sister rushed about in her furiouse searching, breathing heavy thick breaths of air. I corssed over the grass nose snuffling. I could not see so I had only my nose to find Ekshen with. The boy had always been indesisive. I would not doubt that he had run to find some place to think. My sister agreed but her need to find and protect her son did not envolve letting him run about by himself in such dangerouse times.

She raced back to me from whatever place she had been tearing through. Carska pressed her muzzle deep into my throat fur, hiding there. I lifted my skull to give her a soft lick. "We'll find him Carska, he's simply thinking alone somewhere. Give the boy some credit" The woman in question groaned into my skin, her rbeath warm and soothing as it brushed past the shivering scabbed tissue that was begening to scar furless across my chest. Pulling back Carska stared up at me, obviously twisted into worry.

"I know, Ekshen is a yearling now. He's big but that does not mean I dont worry for him. We dont know what the Alpha has told his slaves to do" She then ran off once more, brought back to panic by the fear. The pain and confusion rolling off her was tangible in her scent and it made me tremble. I coudl kill Bidziil for what he did to my sister. I could tear him apart for the things he had ripped into Carska's dear beautiful heart. But I would not be able to. Not now. Not even before. I may be large but I had never shared Carska's ability to fight. I had never claimed her power or tenasity.

Now I was crippled as well. There would be no doubt about that. The horrible wound that I could not see tore up my chest from shoulder to elbow diagonaly. Never would I be able to walk without lurching as I was now. Lurching after Carska as she ran back and forth. My chest allowed no easy movement, and it caught and awkwardly held my front legs in the tense grip of scar tissue. Be that as it may, my nose came up when the scent hit my nostrils. "Carska!" I pivoted, moving as fast as I could against the thick ugly scab curling across my front. My sister ran back to me, finding the trail I had caught. It wasn't that old, but had been hidden amongst the dead grasses and heavy sent of sand.

The girl leaned forward to give me a swift kiss on the cheek before following the trail. She was starting tor elax as she moved, her tail swinging lightly through the otherwise calm air. The sights that graced her seemed to shock her for Carska came to pause. "Ekshen, Abeni!" The shock came to me, even as my daughter's scent pooled into my nose. Registered in my head. I froze, mouth hanging open. Surely my face was twitching as I attempted to find an expression that showed the amounts of anger and confusion I felt. And adoration... Want for my child... Too many emotions.

Carska charged up to them, what was surely relief etched into her expression. "Oh Baby! No one hurt you did they? I was worried the Alpha would send a hunter after us" She hurried to give her son a lick before turning to Abeni. "Have you been well my dear? You-"

"Your pregnent"

My voice fell heavy and hard. Almost blank. Who the fuck had gotton my daughter pregnent? Fucking lions I'd kill him. Letting her so close to the disgusting troubles of our kind. The male she bred to did not love her, that much I was sure of. She was gone too soon. Her pregnancy gone to long. Though a welcoming smile won and pulled up on my face I felt my body twitch. I'd fucking kill that man who dared to touch my daughter in such a way. "Hello darling" I purred limping up to her.

[Kunabee]

Ekshen

I was lost in thought, unable to hear anything until Mama came and Uncle Daiade followed. My eyes widened, and I snapped out of my empty thoughts. I nearly whimpered and cringed, but I choked down the whimper and merely tensed. As much as I didn't want Mama to find me, I didn't want her to think I was scared of her, because I wasn't.
"Mama," I said in one soft word, looking at her. It showed it all. I was hurting uncontrollably, aching with the pain and the fact I couldn't decide. I could never decide. My head was all bumbled up. I had grown a distaste for feline meat, but it still drew me towards it. I wanted both. I wanted my kittenhugger family, and I wanted my kittenkiller family.
I wanted Abeni back, I wanted Daiade to not be hurt. I wanted so much, so much that was impossible. I sighed. It was a bittersweet patch on my heart with Abeni here, a patch that opened another tear, one of millions.
I whimper and lean towards my Mama.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The boy, he didn't respond. It was a different voice. A voice distant that shouted his name. A voice I knew, but wanted so badly to forget.

Then Carska was there, her beautiful essence flooding the clearing with remarkable relief at her finding of her son. I was happy for her, and was about to state as such before leaving without answering her question. And then he appeared and stated I was pregnant.

The man was hurt, limping around with what seemed to be a lame leg, but I was not sure. I was his daughter and I should be helping him. But my being near him put him in danger. And I had small cats growing in me now. I would not birth them into the pack and create more havoc. One or two would be brought to them for food, but any more will be raised as lions should be raised, in a pride.

My head raged into a splitting headache, the goings on too much for my brain to wrap around. I wanted to leap and meet him where he was, rubbing my head against his in greeting. I was happy to see him, I really was. I did not have to work at feeling joy for his appearance. There was no way I could not be happy. This is what I had been praying for.

But I discovered joy and anger could coexist.

"Yeah, I am preggo." I snapped it with my vacant eyes still in place. My lips twitched upwards in a desire to smile, but the anquish overpowered it and sent them rocketing downwards. "I hold the spawn of Ezhno in me, Daiade. Because I am a lioness and that is what we do." Why was I snapping so harshly at this man I loved so much? Why do I step away from his step forward? Because I was a cat.

Folami eat cats.

Now, I knew these dogs would not devour me, but I sort of wished they would. If they ate me, they could be Folami again, and not kittenhuggers, always in danger of human spite. I didn't want to hate these dogs, and I didn't, but it was my position to fear them. So I would. Because the world worked that way. "Don't look at me like that, Folami. You are not supposed to love me. You are supposed to eat me." I dared protest against the man's views, wondering why he couldn't just be normal.

I would give anything to be normal and here he threw away such things like an old rag.

[I L Y I C H]

Carska rubbed her boy warmly, eyes slipping closed. "Baby if you wanted to stay with your Father then you could have. You can stay with me as well, I love you always either way" She pulled back slightly indesicive as I watched. She wanted her children to be happy, that was all. She wanted her family to be happy, after such a long drought of sadness. My own heart cried for her, even as I turned to my daughter's reactions.

And froze from the inside out.

My scared body did not let me move quickly, and as such I had not reached her before her coldness had reached me. My body stiffened. Abeni? What... had I done something? Lifting my head slightly I watched her explain, unable to actually see her. How odd it was to think of these things. If I were to get my vision... I would not recognize anyone. Not my daughter nor my sister nor anybody else. Sight meant nothing... but I could feel the lion stiffen up. Feel her react to me.

Aggitation began to rise in me. Ezhno...? She had gotton pregenet by that block headed gray hearted small fanged little... My teeth ground together, adn it was only the blunt briskness of ehr tone that kept me from demanding or questining. Something was wrong. "I- what? Abeni?" My face altered into confusion as I limped a step forward, fighting to keep myself from hunching as the wound wished me to. Carska shifted slightly, keeping herself pressed to Ekshen as she looked towards us.

I sat up slowly watching my girl. My child who had grown up and let her mind be corrupted. She spoke nonsence!My head came up sharply, ripping at the scab painfully. Not that I noticed I had stormed up to my adopted child and leaned down to brush my whiskers across her face so I could look her in the eye. Or at least appear to be doing so. "I love you Abeni. I dont care if I am a Folami. What you think I am. I love you because I am me. You can't say words and make me stop." A smile cracked on my lips behind the seriouse expression.

I heard Carska stand behind me, the softness fo her steps as she walked towards us, the smoothness of her tail through the air as she ushered Ekshen up to us. "Hello dear. What is it your meowing about? In the Africas lions kill cheetah often. But you yourself are not out searching for cheetah to destroy are you?" The woman leaned forwawrd to press her shoulder to mine as she sat beside us. Her head turned to track Ekshen before turning back. "The norm is not always the law my friend"

[Kunabee]

Ekshen

I stayed silent. And then I latched on to something. The norm is not always the law. My wise Mommy, coming through again. The norm is not always the law.
"I don't know who to stay with," I said, looking at her, "I don't know what to do." I went quiet again, barely paying attention. But I needed to. I needed to.
"Abeni, why did you get preggo?" I asked, looking towards her. She shouldn't be a mother. She was still a child, no matter how old she was. I shook my head.
This world is f***ed up beyond repair.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I hadn't expected them to understand. I couldn't ask that of them. I myself didn't understand why I did what I did. I knew why I did it, but I could not comprehend the depth of my meaning.

I didn't understand much.

I knew the man could not see me, but I knew him well enough to realize he sensed my every move. Again I stepped back, avoiding his touch. I couldn't do that to him and I couldn't do that to me. If the contact was made, I would never stop. I would leave Akando and go home with him, my father. It would be wrong to do that to him. To let him live a life of danger because I was too selfish to cut the ties.

I turned my eyes to Carska, the vacant look flickering mildly with her words. My paws shuffled as I itched to run away. Well, walk away. Running was not easy with these things in my tummy. "Ezhno says that though we do not actively hunt down cheetahs, they are our prey and not to befriend." I looked cooly at the shedog. "Folami should do the same. Maybe they need not hunt my kind purposefully, but we are prey and predator." Glancing towards the blind man, "Nothing more."

Ekshen had spoken by then and I happened a look towards him. Why? Goodness, there was not a chance I could share the reason with these dogs. Ekshen could possibly handle my sacraficial intents, but the other two would forbid it with every last breath in their body. "It is what lioness' do. We are here to hunt for the Alpha and continue his bloodline." I looked downwards to the soil at my feet. "It was unsmart of me to ever try and change what I was. I realize this and all of you should, too." Looking back up, I met Daiade's eyes levely. I knew he could not see the hard stare I laid, but I also knew he could feel it.

"My children will be raised lion, as I should have been."

Growing up was tough when it involved pushing away everyone you love.

OOC//: So, lol, I need to find some way to make Abeni's posts less deep while still holding her beliefs firmly.....Deep is not the way of someone of her brain capacity, lol.

[I L Y I C H]

I tipped my head, listening to her with wory in my eyes. This is why she had left? Some odd twisted thing the others had done to her mind? Or had she suddenly comitted herself to this thought process? It would make sence, we had almost had her killed multiple times. But she was to disown me now? After everything we had gone through...?

My body drooped slightly, tail waving weakly behind me. The joy of finding my daughter unharmed fell away to be replaced by anxious worry. It filtered with anger though, under the edges. She spoke of Ezhno like he knew all. In the same way she had spoken of Bidziil at one time. A more annoying segment of her personality. My dear challenged child, who had to have some form of athority to take belief in and from.

Body flinching under the corse words I couldn't help the sharp whine that slid from my throat. Carska leaned forward her own whine pressing past her teeth, but that sound was not one of pain. "How could you say something like that Abeni?" Her worry twisted into anger as she turned tawny eyes on Abeni. I shrunk backward, hurt and confused. What had I done? I hadn't meant to!

"My brother protected you. He's saved your life more times then you would care to remember it seems!" My sister huffed crossly, too far pressed by betrayal to care about further alienating the lioness. "He became Omega and took continuouse punishment to call you daughter, you childish disloyal-"

"Carska!"

She looked at me sharply, voice freezing in responce to my loud boom of a bark. I looked at her before turning back to Abeni. I could not comprehend her mind change. But if thats what she really thought... If thats how she felt... Then I would not try and force her to love me. "I guess Im a moron then, darling" Forcing a smile back on my lips I s tared down at my daughter. At the lion I had raised and cooed over sence she was a young child.

My child didn't want me any more. It was a thing I had to accept, as Carska had taken Alonda's leaving with her own grace. I would love Abeni forever, wheither she loved me still or not. "I wish you the best then, Abeni" Carska leaned away, pressing against her son. I had never seen an expression. Did not know what it looked like when she frowned. Could never guess what the little shifts in her face could mean.

But I could guess.

[Kunabee]

Ekshen

I stared at Abeni now. I don't know what possessed me to say it, but I did. I stared and I said everything that has been happening.
"Daddy's back, and the pack's split," I told her, "And you're a f***ing liar. Just tell the truthh." I shook my head, burying my nose into Carska's fur.
"Mama," I asked now, "Do hearts usually feel like they're going to explode when they're hurting?" When Daddy left, I was mostly angry. I was so little, and I was irriational. He left us.
Even when I came to the realization that the humans stole him, I was still angry at him. I was angry at the humans, too. My heart just wasn't hurting like it is now.
Betrayal must be the worst thing that can happen.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My paw lead me forward in almost an angry manner, the vacant expression gone. In it's place lay a fire burning with fury. How dare she! How dare any of them! I was doing this for them, not to them! My father was taking it all so well, but Aunty Carska was mad at me.

I would have lunged if Ekshen, my saviour, had not spoken first.

Bidziil was back? A split? Me, a liar? Like Hell I was. But every Folami was. It wasn't my fault I was raised in that fucking pack. They had taught me how to swear. How to fight. How to lie when the truth just would not do. A lion should not be like that, but here I was.

A snarl ripped from my lips with such heat that I was scared of myself for a moment. My eyes were narrowed and my tail lashed. The cubs within me kicked at the sudden rush of adreneline roaring through my every vein. I wanted to claw the unborn cubs for being such nusiances, but knew doing such would kill myself.

Not that I cared if I died.

"You call me disloyal but yet you tore your family from the pack!? How fucking dare you, you kittenhugging bitch!" My claws slithered out, embedding into the sandy soil. The heat of day burned down onto my back, only making me angrier. I looked to Daiade, sending knives to the blind man with the lethal stare my childish features held. "I leave because I want you safe and now I learn that you go against the human's wishes in a different fashion!? I give up everything I know and hold dare to keep you alive and you go on a suicide mission anyway. Yes, you are a moron, Daiade. It seems to run in your fucking family." I turned away from them, tail lashing as a storm developed in my head.

I had to go.

I had to go NOW.

I could not run but I could walk. I needed to get home to Akando. This was all too much. Too much. The anger died and the lashing tail fell to sulk behind me. My head dropped and I stopped my walking. I didn't want to leave on this note. I couldn't. I turned towards them, eyes welling up with tears.

Damn childish emotions.

"Look, I am sorry. I am. I didn't want it to turn out like this. I want you safe, dad--" I froze, shaking my head. I couldn't afford the pet names. "Daiade. I'm sorry for showing up on your doorstep all that time ago and ruining whatever life you had. I shouldn't have hid from Adaeze, and I damn well should not have come out when Bidziil was killing her. Evangeline, Akila, and I would still be with Baako and all you kittenhuggers would still be repressing the forbidden thoughts." I turned my eyes to Carska. "You and Bidziil would be happy, still, with the children together and loyal to you while you ran the pack. I screwed up everyone's life and I just wanted to make it better." I then turned my eyes to focus on Daiade.

"I was selfish to have let you convince me not to die all those times ago."

[I L Y I C H]

carska-

"I had to stop the fucking betrayal!" The words ripped out with as much fury as Abeni had shoveled out. Her anger did not scare me, for I knew I was stronger. I held her as a neice, but she had every reason to hate us. So let her. She could hate me too. Everyone hated me now. Mind flailing to remove that first image of Bidziil from my mind I glared vicouse daggers at the lioness. At my newest form of heartbreak. Because God just couldn't leave me the fuck alone.

If Skoll even actually existed.

"Your calling me a kittenhugger are you? Who do you think ordered your preciouse little friend's death? Bidziil sur as hell didn't. Alaois was my student as Val is Nimrods."A cruve of a sile broke over my frenzied fury. A vauge impression of Daiade's horror sounded to my left, but I ignored it as I ignored everything else. "But I did something you seem incapable of doing, Abeni. I grew up. I learned how to look with my own god damn brain and I grew the fuck up." Maybe it was wrong of me to be furious with a retarded lion, but I could not help it.

She had shoved my over the cliff and I was tearing at clouds as I fell. Now she would have to deal witht he consequences. Tail snapping high above my back I leaned forward, face twisted and cross. We changed, we evolved past what we were made prior, and this woman spat in our faces. This lioness who should be glad her children would never have anything to fear from at least half of us. My snarl grew larger, more void of any expression but fury as she spoke. So we were to fit into a ball? We were to be miserable for her health?

I did not relax as she turned to leave. I did not respond as she hesitated. But when she turned around and spoke... When my brother broke in half to my left I could do little but slump into my son out of utter destress. Everything... it ment nothing. There was no point in arguing with her she wouldn't care. She was a selfish child. Daide whimpered as he backed away, head swinging as if doing so would force his blind eyes to see. I knew that fealing. He just wanted to see his child one more time. Just one last time. But that was a thing he would never aquire. How horrible it must be for him, to only be able to remember people by smell. By sound.

No picture to hold onto. Only a tinge of dust.

"Abeni... I was always to be omega. I would have been beaten and bruised anyway." I saw now where Mahal had gotton his personality from. A child who bottled up everything and smiled around it. Copying a man who retained the same need to help others wile he died inside. He was trying to avoid hurting her further. He would not say what was written in his heart. That lioness who was ready to rip out his heart had made those days bareable.

Nuzzling Ekshen, I half lidded my eyes as I burrowed into the thick fur ruffed up around his throat. "The Alpha would never have remained happy. His humans are too important." I was only half aware that I was speaking. These children were no longer Bidziil's, as he had so proven. If they were loyal to him then it was no longer out of love, but out of confused need for a father. An emotion he had given them. Curling my lip I hid deeper in the gray pelt. "You make nothing better by hurting more people Abeni. You must stay on a path. That is loyalty."

I was selfish in my point out her disloyalty. I was almost as selfish as she was as she took away my brother's pride and joy. I was almost as spiteful as Lucifer as I taunted her in my words. I was almost as black hearted as the humans as I tuened out any further word and licked my son. Abeni mattered no longer. I had to stay strong, and if that ment loosing people to their own qualms along the way then so be it. Daiade leaned forward, nose touching my ear anxiously. My eyes slit open and I leaned back slightly to stand, nosing Ekshen as I did so. Abeni may remain in the dust if she wishes. I was taking my shattered heart away for mending.

I had to stay strong for my family. A family Abeni no longer belonged to.

[Kunabee]

Ekshen

I shook my head and begin whimpering. Idiotic b***es, all of them. I snarled suddenly at Abeni, then the snarl went to Carska. I started running, misery pounding at every step. No. No. No.
I didn't care anymore, I was desperate. Everything in me heart, there was nothing I could do - do something! - but I couldn't. I didn't know how long I ran, but I finally collapses and howled, the pain going out in wolfsong.
Finally I just panted. Sweet death, take me away. I'm sick of this f***ing world. Sick of it. I want some peace.
But after a while I get back out. I start to find my Mama. I'll go with her. My supposed father left, was taken away, whatever. He's still a f***ing monster.
And, as much as it pains me to admit it, I'm not a monster anymore. I'm not bloodthirsty, or hateful, or bitter. I'm just... tired.