Terrified [AW]

[I L Y I C H]

Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
Providence is blind when you're terrified

Dust rose up in furious puffs every time I hit the ground. Tears of pain pricked at the edges of my eyes, wet reminders that I refused to respond to. Again. Leap again. Legs catapulting me upward I slashed once again at the ragged branch too high above my head. The red hot scabbed scars pulled across my ribs screamed in protest. I ignored that as well. All I wanted was to rip that dead branch from its post. I just wanted to tear it down. Was that too much to ask? I just want to know I can. Just want to know I still can.

Agony, my lungs were on fire. Aching sides crying now I landed harshly, claws scrapping the dirty uneven ground as I came down. The impact was jarring, I hadn't landed properly. Falling to my knees to avoid damaging my joints I rolled in a heap of tawny fur and dust. Coming to a stop a few feet down into a deeper pot hole I sighed, laying upside down on my back, legs hanging in the air uselessly above me. God I was pathetic. And I was going to hurt myself.

Id only just gotten back on my feet, too. After being deposited back in camp I'd crawled into a dark corner and refused to look at anyone. Of course we come back and i'm the only one injured. My pride had snapped,and with it most of my happy childhood memories. Over the last month my time had consisted on forcing myself to stand and trying to negotiate around my lie of a life. Oh the joy. Ears flicking backward I limped back up to my original standing under the dead branch, glaring up at it with utter venomous hatred.

At least I still had sarcasm.

Plunking down into a seated position I glared a the thing, as if it would fidget itself broken in response. Refusing to admit I would not have been able to reach the spot easily before that damn war, I stood once more. It didn't matter that it was too high. I would reach it. What little trust I had left in myself determined that I must reach it. Lowering my front down, chest touching the earth I stared upward. The position hurt my neck but it was better to see then just blindly jump.

Long tail coiling behind me, snake like in its insistent weaving I shuffled. This was going to hurt. Like hell it was, it hurt every time I jumped. It hurt to walk out here. It had been a month and my body still ached when I stood, my left front leg wouldn't pull back all the way. Eyes narrowing I snarled up at my target. I. Was. Not. A. Cripple. These wounds would heel, and everything would come back. It had too. That furious raging panic in my head I lurched upward every ounce of power in my body spring boarding into my hind legs.

Blinding fire ceased my sides, like ever attempt before that. Both front paws arched upward, sharp curved claws aimed for wood. Anything solid really, I just wanted to rip something. Anything. The ends skimmed the bark, once again, wrenching at one of my toes before I fell away again unable to grasp my goal. Landing once again too heavily I rolled side ways this time, tail slapping against the dust in defeat. I couldn't win, but I couldn't give up either.

Dragging myself up right and posting myself once again to my stance of panicked importance I glared. Good God It hurt.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I had been given a mission. My heart ached with the mission, but I would obey. There was a wild curiousity drilling into my skull, but I dare not speak it. Why wouldn't he do this himself? I could not understand his hesitance. Was Ahote scared of Montego?

Upon spotting Montego's frantic activities, the boy had sought me out and been so quiet with his words. My eyes had stared dumbly for a moment, trying to comprehend what was going on. Ahote had never spoken in a tone besides mocking sarcasm or fuming disgust towards me before. But as he requested I go and speak to Montego, he had seemed reserved, secretive, nervous. It was not my place to point out how blantantly changed he was, but I could note it mentally. This new Ahote would take some getting used to, but I kinda liked it.

So this was how I found myself inching towards the injured servil who, despite her pulsing agony that was so clearly shooting through her body, she leapt to annialate a stubborn branch that was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. "Major." I spoke her title politley, pulling my front paws together and my pack paws together to form a rigid salute. I would not speak further until she gave her permissions. It was my job to recall the concern of Ahote's without betraying his name, but that did not mean I had permissions to step outside boundaries and to speak without the lady's okay.

It felt so strange considering Montego a woman. Women were weak, weren't they? Well, Annora was not....I suppose Montego was simply another one who rose above the stereotypes.

[I L Y I C H]

I was hiding away in my furious attempts. I did not recognize the paw steps, did not hear them my large swiveled ears were planted flat against my skull. Orenda's words shot me into the air in a different direction, hackles spiked up out of shock. Landing in a painful stiff legged stance I skidded side ways, turning harsh eyes up to the spotted form of my marauder.

Orenda. The harshness in my eyes fell a level, though suspicion pinched at me. Why? Oh... Oh I see. She was looking at me oddly, and my heart fled into the acid of my gut. Maybe it was stupid of me, or childish, but I had thought... hoped that only Ahote and Symphony knew. Obviously I was wrong, or else Orenda simply knew something was wrong. Then again I had been obsessively attacking a dead tree.

No that wasn't the problem, the crazies don't judge other crazies.

She knew, and with a low hiss I scuttled back towards her, straightening my hurt body as I did so. I refused to let my pride drop in shreds. I was Major Montego whether I was a woman or not. Shoulders stiff I stared up at her salute. She still saluted to me. I relaxed my harsh stare. "Yes Lieutenant? What is it?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My greatest fear, one which I hid at this point in time, was failing Ahote. I was sure he was stalking around the edges somewhere, and to see the disapproval in his eyes if I let his name slip would utterly destroy me. This anxiety caused me to hesitate momentarily as the woman waited for my explanation.

"Um, are you okay?" My tone was uneasy, but that was not unusual. My eyes diverted up towards the branch she had been aiming for seconds before. "I mean, I know you are fine, but I worry that your jumping around will reopen the scabs." I looked to my paws anxiously. I was such an awkward individual. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I feared plucking Montego's nerve with my concern. Would she think I was judging her now that she was a woman? Truth was, I am sure I would have been caring even if Montego was still a man. Ahote just gave me some motivation to approach the one I worried over.




OOC//: I present to you a hot, steamy pile of FAIL.

[I L Y I C H]

Panic jolted in my chest at her first words, but I fought it. The heat of it ate at my heart until it quiet literally burned. To put it bluntly I was scared. Terrified. I didn't know how to live as a woman, I had never been female. I didn't understand how to be a girl; didn't even know what was suppose to change about me. If anything was meant to change. Dio, it was all too confusing. And it made me feel like an idiot, which was definitely an emotion I did not enjoy.

I ignored her question, staring at her with blatant determination as a mask. I would not show her my fears, if anything I had to stay strong on the outside. I had to stay strong. Her next comment wavered my resolve slightly, though I sharpened my mask after the flicker of uncertainty. Long tail snapping behind me, I turned away from Orenda. "I'm 'jumping around' to stretch them out" I snapped, losing my battle for composure, and in front of such a good soldier to.

Sighing heavily, trying to hide the expression of frustration from my subordinate I turned my back to her to look back up at my dead branch. "I need to stretch the scabs to be sure the scar tissue that forms underneath will not... hamper my movement." My voice came out more controlled this round, its cadence solid and true. I will not be a cripple. I will not! But in the sudden panic, once again licking at my ribs brought a new thought to my head.

Why had Orenda come round here anyway? She was not normally one to approach an officer so openly. Face turned to stare at her, I narrowed my eyes. "Is there a reason for your coming out here, Lieutenant?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My Major was hurting, her eyes betrayed that mildly through her mask. I wanted to comfort the raging soul within, but found such an action would be beyond my place. Besides, I had never had that urge when Montego was a male, had I? Certaintly not. Of course, I had never had a reason to feel the want to reassure her...him. My brain throbbed as I tried fruitlessly to grasp at the situation. The paws within my mind were flailing to find a landline, to find some sense in the current scenerio, but they failed to catch a hook. I sighed in a deflated manner, then listened uncertainly to the Major.

I nodded my bulky skull to agree with her. I wasn't sure the validity of her words, but I trusted them. She knew better than I. He knew better than I. There goes my flailing mental paws again.

My brain snapped back under my demand at her question, hesitation and panic blatantly displayed on my face. I could not lie to the woman, but I could not break a promise to Ahote. My eyes jumped around, desperate for an excuse. An elk, a cub...heck, I would even take on a Folami to get me out of this situation! Death was better than disloyalty, and both lies and betrayal are a form of disloyalty. My salute broke and I became a jagged mass that looked ready to dig herself a hole to die in, or ready to dash away at the slightest drop of a feather. "Um, well, there is a reason." My voice was contorted as I refused to look down to the shecat. "But I can't tell you. I can't." My voice broke off at the end, coming out cracked as if I were about to spill those dreaded waters from my eyes. I wouldn't, but my voice told another story. Pressure was not something I did well under.

Maybe that is why Annora said I was useless in battle.

[I L Y I C H]

There was a reason...but she couldn't tell me. My ears twitched forward,my own misery being shrugged off my curiosity. My face twitched, pulling into a proper expression though my thoughts still tried to hide behind some form of mask. It was even better, because that horridly amused sadistic bit of me loved it. Orenda wouldn't know what to do with herself. It was horrible of me, I knew, but it would get me what I wanted.

"What do you mean you can't tell me, Orenda?" I used her name on purpose, pulling a suddenly found feminine tone into it. I would find out. If I had to twist dear Orenda into a tiny little pretzel then so be it. I must know. "Do you not trust me anymore?" I was only playing with her, trying to pry out the information. I knew Orenda would never drop that trust. Leopardess found it hard not to trust her family, and that was a marvelous thing. It was wrong of me to utilize that, I knew and though it worried me to hurt the girl I couldn't help it. I was clinically selfish.

If there was a reason then someone else had asked. But who? Thats what I needed to know. It wasn't Symphony, I could say that flat out. He would have just marched up to me and told me to stop kicking myself in the nutt's on the basis of me having none. It would not have been the cougar cub either, that child was far too introverted to care. Nor could it have been Annora, that woman would have asked herself if she even gave a shit. Which left...

Damn why did that very thought make me antsy? Why would Ahote want to know if I was okay? Why would it matter to him? Why? And why did it matter to me that he wanted to know? No. No I could be wrong it could have been someone else, anyone else then that damn protective oaf. Just because he had helped me so much in the last few weeks meant nothing. It wasn't like that, we weren't even friends really. Ah but I've started an inner monologue. Carefully righting my expression I turned blank eyes on Orenda. "Did Ahote send you over here?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Heartbeat. Heartbeat. Heartbeat....where was my damn heartbeat?

My breaths quickened in pace as the girl questioned my trust. This woman had my knees shaking in uncertain pain. I'm a bad cat. I'm an awful pridemember. These cats were too good for me. Montego should refuse speaking to me. Ahote too. And Symphony. Annora. And even Shanandoah. I taint them with my consistent failure as a family member. I was single handedly ruining this pride.

And then she figured it out. I knew she was smart so I was not surprised. Relief dared to creep forward, if only enough to make my knees lock back into place so I could return to an awkward salute. I was not betraying Ahote; she figured it out on her own. I did not answer, but my eyes would give a visual responce. The heat beneath my pelt began to cool comfortably again, the dilemma over with. The secret was out. Why did it have to be a secret? Whatever.

"He was concerned for you, Major." I offered it kindly, thinking that would comfort her. I would love to have a cat fret over me, so I expected all cats were the same way. All females. But Montego was a boy.

Oh hell, I was clueless.

[I L Y I C H]

I stared at her blankly, uncomprehendingly. Ahote caring for anyone made no sense. Him being concerned for me made even less then no sense. Not that that made any sense. Well there went m cognitive abilities. I had never had a person come any where near being concerned about me, even my Pa. He had lied to me my entire life, that was not caring.

Suddenly that tiger decided to care?

Ergh. No I would shove it aside for now. Shove it into some dark recess and drag it out to chew on later. I was good at that. But the damn thing wouldn't let me shut the door. Edges caught in the hinges, poking my consciousness before running giggling away before I could grab at them. Shacking my head to pull myself back into the present, and away from that thought I turned hazel eyes back on Orenda.

My response once it came was a dead pan "What?"

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Had she not heard me?

I was confused by my Major's question, eyes blatantly displaying such. What, what? Oh, now my heard was pounding again. I looked over my shoulder eagerly, wanting something that could justify and escape. I could not be strong for Montego and hold up for whatever she needed...I was just Orenda, the sorry excuse for a leopard that Ende tolerated out of pity. Maybe Symphony should be gathered. Yeah, I should do that. But I didn't. Like my typical idiot self, I remained looking dumbly down on the creature, eyes unfocused and stupid as a sheep. I didn't have a chance in this situation, and yet I was not able to just walk away. Ahote would have. Annora would have. Symphony would have. Even young Shanandoah would have. But nope, I was just dumb ole Orenda, useless leopard of the Ende regime.

"Pardon, Sir?" I nearly knocked myself in the head when sir passed my lips. It was habit, really, but Montego was a girl now. "I mean, Ma'am...shoot." I looked to my paws and gumbled. I shouldn't have corrected myself. I should have let it slip and hope she didn't notice. But she would have. I was no good at letting my numerous, constant mistakes go ignored. I always called attention to them, as if I liked being a failure. I wanted to reach the perfection my pridemates had mastered, and this was the only way I knew how to take a step towards it.

But why did I always seem to be going backwards?

I crouched down then, as if to pounce but hiding my face in the earth. "Please don't hit me." A mistake had to be punished, but how I hated the pain of physical violence. I deserved every lash Ahote or Annora whipped out, and even the tiny thwacks of my cub friend. But Montego had always been what one could possibly be considered kind to me. Of course, I did not speak with her all that much so I never had the time to make a true fool of myself.

[I L Y I C H]

Her confusion confused me in turn. Was Orenda really that naive? She wasn't frankly stupid, but really? With all the currently tiger tinged thoughts running through my head I couldn't bring myself to say anything. My expression became just as dazed as her own, and I shuffled awkwardly on my spot. Automatically opening my mouth to respond to Sir I flinched slightly when the word was altered. "Orenda... just call me Sir, please. It's what I'm use to." I don't think I'd be able to take any more change.

Her behavior broke the dizzy confusion from me and brought my head around to shock. Exasperated I walked up to her skull and leaned against it. How annoying, I was tall enough to lean my side up against her ears, but if she lifted it any I would probably fall over. "I'm not going to hit you, girl. Honestly!" Sighing through my nose I relaxed slightly, glad to have found someone else's problems to deal with. I was good at this, It was me I was hopeless with fixing.

"Look..." The expression on my spotted face became one of embarrassed detachment. I said the word but refused to look at Orenda myself, electing to stare critically off into the distance instead. "I was just surprised...about Ahote... and his concerns" My voice trailed out, pinching awkwardly. God I was no good at admitting anything. And why in the world I was saying this to Orenda was beyond me. At least I knew she wouldn't tell anyone. But... My eyes slipped around the brush peering as deeply into it as I could. Please please let that ginger assed bastard not be within earshot.

"It made me happy and I'm no good at being happy" I sounded like a ten year old who had to admit she had her first crush. Oh not that word! This wasn't a crush it was some mutual friendship shit... dammit.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The scene had unfolded quite nicely. Quite nicely indeed. So, there was a little magic left in this pride after all. My slowly beating heart had once forbid such a thing, having tried my best to shred what was building between those two Akando cubs. But maybe there was something in this caring for one another thing. Perhaps all my life I had been wrong in thinking relationships besides that of Commandor and Soldier were a weakness.

Then again, I have gone so far and risen so high with those ideas in mind.

Stepping from the underbrush, I stared downward at the small cat and leopardess. A snare pulled my lips back, but then it cracked into a threatening smile. My mind was in a jumble. I wanted to change my ways and be a good little kitty. Well, maybe not so far as that, but I did wish to be more like Symphony. I wanted to understand that there were others besides me and that we all function a little differently. Heck, I would be okay if I could just laugh once in a while without someone being killed for it!

"So, Major, how is your progress going?" Was I too intimidated to confront this girl over the sin she was beginning a slow embarkment on? Was I too angry to proceed on such a topic? Was I jealous over her use of the word happy? Whatever the reasoning I had, my mind drew a blank upon the conversation I had just listened in on. Somewhere there was a curiousity that held no labeled emotion. My brain didn't want me to see my take on it. Were my trainings getting in the way? No, trainings couldn't do that. I was my only blockade. Damn that Berlin wall around my brain, imprisoning all twitch of joy that dared to try and mingle with the hate.

Here I was with that insane look on my face, the smile that was used for any occasion just to sheild away what was really going on in my head. Here was a chance to utterly destroy the Major in front of her little pet that had jolted into a salute upon my appearance. Here I was not taking that opportunity.

Was this what being considerate felt like? Oh shit, it feels awful.