therapy [bhu; aw]

[I L Y I C H]

i always swore to you i'd never fall apart

zero-->
Today was a bad day. Crumbled and broken I lay under the up swung fronds of these acres upon acres of dead grasses. The revolts of rain had yet to make it this far north, otherwise preferring the higher more drought ridden areas. It was ironic, I guess, but it hurt too much to laugh. Everything hurt. Deep aches dug their way into my gut, surging about like the Valkyrie they were, singing of Thor's violence. This would be the death of me. Once day as the knot in my stomach grew larger and thicker I would be nothing but a quivering ball of pain. One day there would be no more good days, and I would be lucky to have a bad one. Some day soon, if not within the next two years I would be in such constant agony that I would dream of this gut deep throbbing.

Oh I was lucky though. Lucky in my pride that I had felt this coming on. Knowing it to be a bad day I had escaped the inner most lands of Zonta for this northern reaching grassland. My tawny frame lay contorted wrapped about itself in it's agony. It had been hours and as it were my mind had long evacuated to it's safe place. Hovering in limbo. Small mewls of pain still escaped every now and again despite my best effort's to hide them. It would not do to be found out. Not now. Not when Zonta was beginning to trust me. It wasn't even that bad, really. Just constant. Monotonous. I was use to it and that alone frightened me right to my trembling bones.

This was my life. Only so many days could pass before this one came. A bad day. Worse days. A particularly heavy throb rain through me and with a heavy gasp I curled even tighter. Maybe if I wrapped myself around that ball within me my body would sense it better. Would kill it. If I could just make it see. If I could just convince it that this illness, this cancer was a danger. As if it didn't already know that. As if that wasn't what this pain was. My spotted sweaty body trying to destroy this invasion. This death warrant. We were loosing.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My border patrol slowed as the familiar scent blew fresh across my glands. In the distant the skies held clouds, the hope for rain. But here it was dry and the scent of rain had not come yetb to drowned out all else. This was certainly Zero, alone. After what had happened to Noelle, how dare she go against my wishes and travel alone. That arrogant bitch thought she could walse as freely as any male. I would beat her senseless, if Symphony didn't come and kill her first.

My scowl faltered as I approached the pitiful scene. Zero lay in a writhing ball of agony. My instinct was to give a cold smirk of superiority. How many times had I warned her about wandering without a male escort? She had been attacked and now was paying the consiquence. And yet, I could smell no blood. How strange...

Approaching her, I realized that my crude accusations had been all wrong. There was no injury I could see; just a sloppy blob of Zero. My scowling expression transformed to one I had not held in so long; perhaps I had never held it before. When Noelle had come ghost-like over to me after her encounter with Symphony, I had anger dancing with the concern, diluting my worry. But here, there seemed no reason for anger, so concern was able to consume me. And that it did.

I lay beside her, my breath in a panic. I feared touching her, my eyes set hard on her form. "Zero? Zero! What's wrong, Zero?" I felt the need to say her name over and over, as if the very act would carry her back to me, away from what caused her such pain. My heart beat as fast as it had in battle, though not it was not adreneline forcing the rapids.

I was scared. Scared down to the very core of my heart.

[I L Y I C H]

In my state I did not hear a thing. Everything was white water and nothing was noise. Through the burn of dry spit at my lips and the dull ache of a complaining skull I saw nothing and could feel only this slow burning agony. It took me a moment to register the words, and even longer to make note of their chords. Familiar. Achingly familiar, but it seemed as if everything aches. Sapphire eyes split open, their pupils contracted to mere pinpoints in an attempt to hide form the blinding sunlight. Oh how it stung. Jaws parted, salmon pink tongue pressing out to gild dry lips with what wetness it had remaining. Eyes focused weekly on the tawny bulk hovering at my side, not comprehending it's form. I'd had my eyes clamped shut for too long, and at this point saw only the blurred together shapes and hues of a ticked pelt.

It was the voice that brought me thankfully to the surface. Coming out of my deep water drowning I coughed pathetically, jaws working to spit out the thick substance at their backs. "Alphonse?" Weak as a kitten I hooked my paws towards him, wincing as my stiff frame uncoiled if only slightly. Pain did not leave as easily as suffering did. Pain clung to me even now, but with a distraction it fled to a maintainable level. Eyes liquid blue from their closure and the now drifting agony I flopped back to ground, paws groping childishly through the air towards the still blurred form of a creature I did not comprehend. his words drilled slowly inward, clawing their way into my subconscious as I became more aware. Shadows danced about us, and this is the first thing I noticed. The sun's height was different. Ah so my complaints were not unfounded. It had been hours.

Dazed I blinked up at the repetitive sounds, curling black backed ears forward I shifted if just enough to roll towards my back. Spotted pelt rumpling underneath me I ignored the minor annoyance, falling back from the gripping pain I couldn't really care about such trivial things. Eyes blinked once more, owlish in their appearance. His questions finally broke through, after a long moment of puzzling. I'd heard only my name previously. Paws tucked tightly to my sickly frame, as my fur was slicked flat by the agony and the heat. I looked small without the air I usually carried, I knew that much at least. A small pathetic smirk planted itself to my lips; thats what he would expect to see anyway. "I'm okay, Sir." Denials spread from me, their tones that of a sickly child. "Everything is fine."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

A pinprick of anger consumed some of the concern, but it was too minute to alter any of my expression. My tone barely shifted to that of annoyance as I watched the girl collect herself and bring herself to a more dignified position. "Don't call me sir and then have the audacity to insult me with lies." It frustrated me that this woman had to be a pig-headed buffoon.

Ah, aren't I pleasant little hypocrite?

I sat tall, tail now neat, eyes masking my panic. What could I say to keep her from denying her true state? This feline was as proud s I was. I could have a bullet through my eye and still claim health. Perhaps our shared pride would be the thing to keep me the added edge to master her. I knew myself and how I can to falter, so perhaps it would help me manuver Zero.

I doubted myself, which was not normal. I could lead my pride into battle, but only because I failed to think of the consiquences. I was not a smart cat. The realization brought me back to a position on my stomach. "Zero, please just tell me what's wrong." I was pleading now, overwhelmed with concern. My original statement had been said with firm dignity, but such petty things have since been dismissed. "Please."

[I L Y I C H]

My head flopped back to the dirt, giving off an audible thud upon meeting the harsh soil. It would seem I had gone boneless the way my frame suddenly went limp. Turned to liquid I pooled and with a weak little sigh electric blue eyes landed on my Alpha with a sudden clarity. Pain remained, but based on the previous quantities it was minute. Pathetic. Of course this oddity decided to putter out right after I had needed it to. If Alphonse had been a bit slower, just a little bit...! My body unfurled slowly, falling out of it's water like jumble to soak amongst the grass roots surrounding. He wouldn't take my lies. Wouldn't let me live in peace. Head tilted downward I brushed whiskers into the warm dirt, wishing Gaea would eat me already.

"You aren't just gonna go away are you?" It was a stupid question, sure, but one that I had to state anyway. If only to see what the desperation tinting the tone would provoke. Keeping myself turned away from him I uncoiled the remained of my body allowing hind legs that had been crushed to my stomach to flop out uselessly behind. "Put your paw right bellow my rib cage, just to the left there" I rolled a shoulder slightly to indicate a lower portion of the aforementioned area. Whatever Alphonse thought I wouldn't know. My face remained burrowed in mother earth. Ignorance. The thick immovable lump attached to the viscera there was not yet visible, but one need only brush against my thinning body to feel it. The leach. A parasite sucking out what health I had left.

"It's cancer." My voice always so strong and bold fell like broken notes through the sky; tiny and weak. Ebony backed ears pressed into the golden fur beneath, searching for a way to hide the sudden hitch in my breath. Alphonse had a right to know, after all. He wouldn't leave until I told him. "My Pa died from it." Bitterness swept forward only to be beaten back once more. Dad didn't know. He didn't know this would happen to me, or him. He hadn't a clue. This wasn't anyone's fault. Not a thing to be done. Biting my tongue against the childish tears I burrowed deeper, pressing my heavy fore-paws to my chest as I did so. Let him work out the facts for himself. I couldn't say it out loud. It was one thing to know you were dying. It is quiet another to admit it.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I dismissed her question with a sympathetic smile. I knew her position, that uncertain want to be alone, but yet the need to be with someone. When Anna used to mentally and physically abuse me, I would coil into myself and be 'tough like daddy'. Someone would try and push there way in and I'd claim I wanted to be alone. Most of them couldn't understand that 'I want to be alone' actually meant 'hold me'. Noelle usually saw through it. She knew what was my real tough guy face, and what was just the metal armour plating put on when I needed someone to talk to. Isn't this the same situation? Noelle and I were siblings, so we knew each other's masks. Well, Zero and I were both of Zonta. One family. I may have been self-absorbed, but I was not yet so blind that I couldn't hear the silent pleas.

My paw reached out as she uncoiled, lightly brushing the area instructed. Had I thought for even a second, I would not have done so. I would have looked at her puzzled, then scurried off awkwardly. Contact was not my field of expertise. But, alas, I had reacted instinctually and now I could feel it; the hard mass by her abdomen. What was it? Children? Is that what children in the womb felt like? I willed to pull my paw away, but the gentle touch I gave would not cease. Concern washed over me. If these were children, shouldn't Zero be happy?

Cancer. Did I know what cancer was? I traveled back to when I was only just old enough to not still be deaf. My mother was still of able-mind then and was trying to teach me of diseases. She had been short with cancer, having only one experience with it. She had been brought to an animal hospital because of a bullet in her leg. There had been a margay there with cancer; bald from some procedure the Murder Apes had tried. Anna was released before seeing whether the Margay lived or died. My mental paws went through the files of that story. What had Anna said about cures? That there may be one in a Rainforest, but it hasn't been found? That cancer means certain death as of this day and age?

I pulled away in a panic, eyes wide in silent shock. The woman had her face suffocating into the soil, seemingly oblivious to my stare. Me, alpha, I am. I don't care. One less cat. But care? Yes. I could not find words. What do you say to a dying cat? I'm sorry? For what? I'm sorry I'm not God with a magic finger that will take it all away? I'm sorry I have been so awful to you since you joined Zonta?

"Zer," I couldn't even get her name out. There was absolutely nothing to say. There was a reason no one goes up and sings to the cancer patients in the children's hospital. How do you look at someone you have no hope of saving? How do you cope well enough to help them cope? Instead you just wish that you were the one dying; it would be less painful. I wanted to slump into the soil and never rise again. But, instead, I acted mortal. For once.

I reached out one bulky paw and pulled the leopardess into my chest. Zero may not like it, but it was all I could do. If I couldn't suck the disease from her veins, I could at least make her not be alone in her final times. No one should die alone. Zero may think she wants to, but I know best. I'm the alpha.

Fuck me and my pride. I wouldn't let Zero die alone, not because I know best, but because I am the damn teddy bear for the child to hug during the thunderstorm.

[I L Y I C H]

His confusion was almost palpable and I could not help but snicker into the dirt. Screw him if he thought it childish, I was dying. I could laugh at whatever I wanted to. The touch itself was light despite the fact that I had half doubted he would do so at all. Alphonse held his paw there for a long moment, and I couldn't do more then secretly enjoy it. My mind warped it into comfort. Demanded it be as such. Oh... there it went. The realization. My skull lifted, neck straining to hold it up at a position that would allow my eyes to focus on Alphonse's striped tawny face. The panic there was a relief. A dose of medication that set a tired gruff grin on my lips. Al did care. At least a little bit. He cared if I died. He would mourn me. It took everything to stop my heart from imploding. Because that's all I wanted. All I had wanted since the day I had discovered this cruel fate of mine.

A flower for my grave.

Rolling slightly towards my Alpha I held my breath. Alphonse, I had learned, did not take well to adverse stimuli. The idea of pain or death sent him fleeing. But he had defended Noelle. But he had also scathed my friend Ciel with his wicked tongue. I did not know what to make of this boy. A man the same age as I. Yet we faced things in much the same way. Feigned arrogance and the bitter need to prove ourselves. He as alpha of Zonta. I as Zero the ill leopard. We both had our vices and our virtues. My grin fractured with his voice, cutting my lips on the way down. My voice rose up along side, bland and weak. "Al" I'd meant it as a joke, but it fell flat. Dry.

His grip came as a surprise, and yet I did not fight it. Pulled against the broad sandy yellow chest I went still. It had been years. Since I was a six months I had faced this disease alone. Mother had been too frightened to offer condolences. She had pretended it didn't exist. I myself often tried to pretend, and in doing so told no one in fear that I would be ostracized. Yet here was Al, my seemingly iced over alpha holding me as a mother would cradle an injured child. He was older then me, but only by a month or two. We both had only just reached the stage of yearling. And we both had to face so much.

Feeling as if I might shatter should I touch the ground I turned, nuzzling my broad skull deeper into the growing thickness of a mane beneath Alphonse's chin. I didn't care how childish it was. I didn't care how weak or pathetic it made me. I couldn't say thank you out loud, it wasn't in my nature to admit such weakness. So I would show him this way. A paw reached up to press strongly against his ribs, half begging in it's own way. Don't let go. Don't let me go. And with that I went limp against him. I couldn't hold myself strong any more and my body was too weak form the tides of previous agony to stay tensed.

[/size]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

She let me hold her, saying my name weakly, burying herself into my chest. Was it because I was a man that I consoled her? I was sturdy, made of steel. Here she lay crumbled, not even copper. But was I really made of such strong metal? Or was that just the artificial plating that I had set over my flesh and bones? As I melted into this poor, dying girl, I knew the answer. I was far weaker than this girl. This woman. She had carried this burden, this death warrant for a good portion of her life. And here, I wasn’t even the one dying, and I shattered and leaned into her after knowing for a minute. I was pathetic.

But right now, holding Zero in my chest, I didn’t care.

It occurred to me that all this would not be my right to disclose. Would I be able to trot back into camp and look at Zero without breaking down? Will I be able to fight off the need to do everything for her, sitting her on a pillow made of goose down, changing her to a boulder to keep her from straining herself? I would be her slave, whether she was a willing owner or not. But I wouldn’t tell. If asked, I would merely give the typical Alphonse response, ‘and how is that any of your fucking business?’.

But what to do now? The longer we sat here in embrace, it wasn’t any step closer to me waking from this nightmare. I couldn’t fathom it; waking one day and Zero is just…gone. I couldn’t stand knowing it would happen. I would dread each day until it occurred, and then mourn all those following. I had never lost anyone I cared for. Why did I care for Zero? Maybe it was that ‘I don’t care’ attitude that I could relate to. And now that I knew what she knew, I cared because she is the strongest cat I had ever met. If I was dying, I would let the world know, wouldn’t I?

No you wouldn’t, you idiot. You’d hide in your little shell and kill anyone who tries to break through.

“You should have told me sooner.” My voice was a whisper, and not accusing. It wasn’t that I thought it my right, but now my stomach was hollow with grief of things past. “I would have never treated you so harshly had I know just how strong you are.”

Empty words. It shouldn’t matter whether she had cancer or not. My actions towards her were unjustified and not to be forgiven because of some deflated half ass apologies.

[I L Y I C H]

This confusion was bliss. It didn't matter how scared or how close to sobbing I was. To be held was all I needed in this world. Right now. Scared and alone I had walked for most of my life, and here stood a creature willing to prop me up. Willing to agonize for me. After my mother and her attempts to pretend I couldn't stand disassociation. It was the main reason for my sober lies. I couldn't bear it if they all looked at me with pity. God dammit I didn't want pity. Sympathy was a very different thing, and I could feel it in every breath that blew across the top of my splotched skull. Paws gripped tightly, begging. Right now Alphonse was my anchor. Muscles still trembled with the knowledge of the pain. Every fiber acknowledged and remembered. My very body had fallen into acceptance. This wasn't a fight anymore. Lips pulled down into a desperate bid to stop myself from falling into complete disrepair, I sucked breath after breath inward; trying to be silent about it.

Dotted ears flicked back, tight to the boney ridge of my skull. He was right, after all. I should have told him, but I just couldn't. how do you even say such a thing out loud? It was like admitting to defeat. I don't care. Don't care if I knew the outcome, I would never say it aloud. I would never admit it. Till the day I died I would not give in. Long black tipped tail curling around Alphonse's haunches I slumped further, allowing our frames to contort comfortably about the other. "I know" Spoken just as softly as the male's cadences, the two words fell heavy as rocks past my dry ebony lips. "I know" I repeated, gulping back against the lump in my throat. It took too much effort to admit to such a fault. Because I knew, oh I did. This wasn't just about me. Zonta had a say in my emotional faults. My physical faults. But I don't think I could survive being singled out like that.

In fact I'm almost positive the depression of it would just kill me faster. It was this thought that brought my head pulling slightly back. I made no motion to draw the rest of my form from his grasp, but that wedge head pulled back enough so I could focus sapphire eyes on his own hazels. "It doesn't matter" Harsh as the words sounded they were desperate. He should be able to see that in my eyes at least. Sucking in a deep breath I dropped my eyes, avoiding his suddenly. "It can't matter. Please, Al. It can't matter." I paused, looking everywhere but in his face. I couldn't look him in the face. "I'm not strong Alphonse. I don't want to die. I'm scared, dammit!" And just like that I snapped. Every strand of obsidian holding my heart in it's cage cracked. Body trembling in his embrace, I broke. It happened so rarely; I didn't allow myself this extravagance very often. Another omission. Another statement of expectation.

No I wasn't strong. I wasn't strong at all. My shoulder shook even as I kept my eyes wide in a valiant effort to kill the tears welling there. Why was I showing this to this damned Liger? This creature who not two days ago i was grumbling about? A Liger who seemed so bitterly entrapped within his own mind? Oh but I needed someone to know. I needed someone to care and here he was, settled so close. Climbing into my heart in a way that should not be possible. Drawing in a shuddering breath I crushed my teeth together in terror. "It can't matter. You can't tell them. Please Al. Promise me you won't tell them." Ears tightened further pinning themselves back as if they were butterflies caught on a pin board. "Please." I don't want them to fear for me. I don't want them to feel for me.

[/size]

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Doesn’t matter. It seemed like a humorless joke. If it didn’t matter, I wouldn’t be here, cradling a leopardess, mind fogged with emotion. If it didn’t matter, I wouldn’t carry the incomprehendable need to tighten my hold on this woman so that I would personally hand her over to Dio. If it didn’t matter, I wouldn’t be thinking that Dio even existed.

But who am I to argue with the sick girl?

And, like that, I became putty in her paws, open to be molded however the woman so desired. If she said jump, I’d jump. Her puppet to do her bidding, even when she didn’t want her bidding done for her. She was the blind old woman who had been driving for years but now had to have her license removed, and I was both the police man and the assigned escort.

“I promise.” I made it lightly, the words muffled as I leaned my snout atop her skull. This was her first order.

As you wish.