Save you [ayita]

[I L Y I C H]

There's so many things I want you to know.

Smoke trailed through my fur, whispered over my skin. It didn't smell, which I found odd but then what wasn't odd about this place? Oh Skoll, I can't stop laughing. Everything brought out a new round of chuckling, the music almost hysterical. The scars on my face remained, their tightness keeping half my face in a scowl, but I had my mind back. I could think again. The world was clear, and the tear tracks on my face renewed themselves every few hours as this thought pierced through the haze of my awe. She gave me my heart back. Precious darling beautiful Ayita. How I wanted to see her. How I waned to bring her to me and hold her. I wanted to cry on her shoulder and tell her how much I loved her. To apologize for these horrible things I have done to her. Tell her I hadn't meant to damage her so when I'd thanked her for doing that deed.

I'd wanted her to know how much it meant to me. That was all I had meant. I wanted to show her in my final breaths with such clarity, that I would never stop thanking her for saving me from that prison. From the prison my own body had formed. Could she comprehend how horrible it had bee? Would she ever grasp just how broken my mind had been? Just how far away my soul had been caged? God I hope she could, some day. Only then would she understand how great a deed she did. Only then would she understand how she'd saved me.

Skoll had said I could speak with her, when I was ready. I'd been in such a state these last few hours, I had missed what little sleep she had had. I'd missed my first chance and now looking down at her sleeping frame I could not help but berate myself for it. She had suffered for that, my mistake. But I had been so happy. I had been so happy I had sobbed. Cried so hard my face hurt when I was finished. The pink of my eyes was shockingly bright thanks to that, and as my gaze rested on her living form devotion formed itself on my face. Darling Ayita. a paw came out slowly, the gray appendage hesitant at first, but in the process of settling against my sister's shoulder became a bit too frantic. "Ayita? Sister come talk to me, please."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I wish I believed like you do
In the myth of a merciful god
In the myth of a heaven and hell

Even in my sleep I could find no mercy. The dreams far outweighed the realitie's torments. In my dreams I could not fathom the horrid image of my brother's mangled form. It was an awful sight that I knew from experience, though my dreams always brought a much more brutal image.

I hear the voices you hear sometimes
Sometimes it gets so much I feel like letting go
Sometimes it gets so goddamn hard I feel like letting it all go

My ears pricked as I scanned the dusty world of some unknown world. My eyes were narrowed in confusion for this place tried so tirelessly to push forward a reasurrance; a comfort to overcome my resentment for myself. But the voice seemed so vivid now that I dared a smile. His image was so clear and I began to trot to him with glee in my eyes.The joy was only temporary..

I know the truth about you
I know the truth

The frown replaced the smile, eyes narrowing as my trot slowed to barely an approach. I had let my guard down and given into the delusion. This man now spoke with fluent thoughts, but it would falter and break sooner or later. It was all a figment of my imagination, and my brain would not allow such bliss. "Why do I torment myself so?" I looked skyward and blinked at the inky blackness of twilight. I could feel the gentle mist swirling around us. I imagined this is what the dogs who spoke of Skoll experienced in their own delusions of the white canine's world. The difference here was, I was not under the misfortunate belief that some Folami and Baboon ruled our skies. I would not fall victum to the second heartbreak as the images faded and the realities flood forward once more.

[I L Y I C H]

There's so many things I want you to know.

My joy fell into anxiety upon her reaction, even as my tail beat out it's rhythm of euphoria my face fell into worry. "Ayita?" The question fell heavy, the messed up side of my mouth muffling it somewhat. Torment herself? Jeez, was I tormenting her now too? A frown formed on my maw, ignoring the sneer on the other side of my face. "I didn't mean to upset you, if that's what I've done" Eyes bounced upward, moving away anxiously. Did... did I do something? Well of course I had done something. Fuck, I suck at this. Than again I hadn't had any use of emotion in the last two years, I had every right to suck at this. Air sucked into my lungs sharply before I shook my head.

Smoke whispered over my snout, just a bit hotter then usual, but it was enough. The fire breather was listening with his white ears intent. My frown lifted back into a weak smile, even as my heart seized with fear. Had I broken this so far as to be irreparable? My face twisted up into horror at the mere thought. I'd ruined this hadn't I? Shit. I hadn't meant to! Tail tucking slightly I scooted towards her, reaching to touch her cheek with the point of my muzzle. The paranoid fear I had held of women was gone now, leaving me with the diseased blood. Paranoia had fed the monster I had been, and the fear of damage was ingrained in the disorder not my own mind.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I let the frown fall at his words. There may never another chance to be his friend. I know my brain would not allow this gentle compassion to last. Even though I knew it was wrong to encourage dellusions, I gave in. His touch was so real and I found myself pushing into him gently, needing the contact despite how cruel to myself I was being.

People always told me you couldn't feel in dreams, but it felt so good.

"You have not upset me, dear brother. My own being is what holds the disapointment. I have constructed my own Hell." My tail wagged once and a small smile played my lips as I continued to lean into the lad. Maybe my brain, if I made peace here, would finally release the hateful hold I had laid upon myself.

Oh, but I knew it wouldnt; I would never allow it.

[I L Y I C H]

There's so many things I want you to know.

Bombs, the fell upon my joy shattering it into crystalline shards of razor sharp glass. My heart fell into the pit, cut apart with realization. Ayita blamed herself, that much had always been obvious. Precious heart that she held, it would always bleed when placed in the path of the broken. A whine slid past velvet lips, curling into the air between us as I pulled back from her touch. No mater how wonderful the warmth felt against the constantly cold scarring. She didn't have to feel that ugly texture; never the smooth revulsion over taking half of my ugly maw. A frown pressed itself upon the cut through silver of my face, turning my half scowl into a disturbing expression.

"Why would you do such a thing?" Half of me knew it came out as an accusation, the words plucked from the glass piled up in my gut. Selfishness fed the pain, grating it into ever keener edges. I didn't want to be the reason why Ayita was unhappy. Didn't want to be the monster that set her heart to the flames. No matter what the red cloaked angle claimed, it was my death that brought her to this. My selfish need that locked her cage and threw away the key. Now it returned, violently wrenching away her right to this demise. Ripping it away thanks to my guilt at this connection between us. Siblings that never knew one another. Siblings that grew up distant and alone.

One was dead, one alive. One had a chance. One had a life to lead, and Skoll dammit I would make her live it. Tongue caught itself between my fangs, ground into the lower ridge with the oppression of my guilt and the shame boiled anger that I felt riding like wild fire through my veins. "Ayita, you can't do this" My snout waved about, the silver tinge almost blurring within the waves of smoke caressing our forms. Stubbornness bit into me, it was after all a shared trait. Ayita had no right to trap herself up in a bubble of pain. There was nothing to feel pain about. She'd saved my soul by taking my life.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The contact ended ubruptly and I found myself grudgingly unsurprised. I turned away my eyes in shame when his words came falling forward. That's right, brother, hate me. Hate the monster that I am. I knew the sounds had to be disgust for my killing him. My concience would speak through him, knowing the words would cut so much deeper coming from the scarred remained of his face. Woman had done that to his face, and a woman had killed him. It didn't often occur that someone had a complete right to be sexist.

I called forth my tears, still being feminine enough to want to wail at any assult. But they refused to grant me their pressence. This world forbid tears because it was supposed to be a place of joy. Or so my dream was trying to convince me. The heaven's supposedly grant laughing, not crying, so my brain would follow such rules. But I still hung my head, shaking it as I tried to chase away the hurt.

Can't do this? Do what? Didn't he hate me? Oh! I understood now. I was not to punish myself, persay, but only allow my brother, or my image that I conjured of him, to bring me a merciless punishment. The mist licked off my fur, raising from my fire-brimmed pelt like smoke from a flame. I called the mist to envelope me, the shame too heavy a burden to bear. I was a fire, and I wished to burn into ashes.

"You're right. Go ahead, do your worst." I lay down to brace for impact. The man had every right to be the victorious one, even if he were just a figment of my imagination. I tore away the flesh of his throat, and so he should be allowed such a thing for me. It was unfortunate this was merely a dream world; what happens here would not hold true in life. But if he mutilated me in this place, then I could justify to myself to do it to myself in the true life.

OOC//: I am not very good at depressed Ayita o.o It is odd having a dog named Ayita (one who dances) depressed....she has changed so much.

[I L Y I C H]

There's so many things I want you to know.

Jaw slack I could do nothing but stare down at the prone body before me. Do my worst? What was she talking about? What did she think I had in for her? My mouth closed slowly, saliva sucked down a suddenly too dry throat. Who the hell knew you could get cotton mouth in heaven. Face fighting between near hysterical humor and fear I inched forward a bit, watching my sister with trepidation. Did she think me a monster? Oh but of course she did. When had the last time she'd seen me normal been? When had she last seen me sane? A year ago? We had been children. Ayita had every right to think I would be vicious, and she would think I had a right to be as such. Stupid. I knew how her mind worked. Even in my state I had always watched, watched from behind the bars of my disease but watched none the less. Precious Ayita.

Forcing my features into compliance I took on the mask of pained patience. Impatience. I had never been the best at playing this game, even when I was alive and... free of that blasted illness. Brow furrowed I took my own bed before the blood bathed woman, watching her fur shift in the undercurrents of the very alive fog surrounding our frames. Stretching slightly from my crouched position I made to caress her throat, sliding my tongue out to lick the fur flat. No biting. No blood. If I hurt her here would it transfer? Probably, but not because of me. A sigh pressed out, ghosting across the snowy pattern of the ground beneath us. Well damn. "I have no idea what I'm to say now" Another puff and my face screwed up a bit. "Your apparently not going to agree with anything I do come up with, anyway."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

His words caught me off guard, but not so much as his action. He was licking my throat. To test the waters, perhaps, before the kill? But it seemed so gentle. So truly gentle. But it wasn't possible. My mind was being cruel, having me know the calm before the storm. But why did I not fear this moment? Why did I have no reservation as I crept forward and pressed my cheek beside his? His words fell on deaf ears. I wouldn't agree with anything he said...and yet, I so wanted to.

"How is this possible, Kamau? You seem so real?" I was about to claim I had murdered him and he shouldn't be able to be here, but the words hurt far too greatly. And they admitted that I thought there was a chance this was truly him. I'm a good dog, I used to be, but I have never been a spiritual one. I saw his life drain from his eyes, and yet, he stood here alive, and even well. "This can't be as it seems...They told me there was no god to love."

But I needed a merciful Skoll. I wanted him.

And Bidziil had lied to me before.

[I L Y I C H]

do not pity the dead. pity the living, and above all those who live without love

Warmth flushed through me, and with a whine I pressed all the tighter to her hesitant caress. I needed her just as much as she needed me. Reassurance. We needed one another for heart; we had never been the most self assured family. Ayita did not see through her haze of self-loathing that she had cured me. That I was hear now in a world free of my old agonies because she freed me. I was free. Sound pressed out of me, begging in it's octave as I drew in her words; corrected them internally. "I am real, sister. You know that. You can sense that." I rolled my head pressing my scarred jaw to her skin, letting her feel the tense rumpled texture. It was a sensation I highly doubted had ever come to her before. It was proof. That was not a feeling you could make up, that waxy draw of too tight skin. My gray ears flicked backward, flesh pink eyes widening as the focused in on her, hoping. She would believe me wouldn't she?

It was not I she must believe, however, and the baritone sounded like a war drum.

"And you listened to those little brats? How come?" In all my time of imagining I had never thought to find myself placed before a God like Him. Skoll who say life the way a bullied child does. With hope and kindness, but a certain bitter drawl. No, this master was not the man I had thought to greet within the mists of this place, and yet I found I loved him all the more for his oddness. For his utter sincerity. My head lifted slowly, pink eyes focusing in on the white form that was only just discernible from the cloaking fog. Fog that rolled from his maw the way smoke pools from a burning wood. The fire breather, who tended towards sneezing at inappropriate moments and cussing about the fire in his nose. My smile was wide, brilliant in its devotion. Ayita had to see Him. Skoll who was more a father then any creature I had ever met. Even in the folami's gruffness he gave of warmth, brilliant sunny warmth.

White frame moving now, striding form his covers the tiger sized canine slid truly into view. Turning to nudge at Ayita's throat once more I stood swiftly, waving my tail in greeting. It took but a couple of days to find that Skoll did not take well to overturns of formality. He had told me he was a brother, and was to be treated as such. Eyes skipped to my sister's downy scarlet coat before turning back to the brilliant sparks of electric blue cradled in the god's eyes. "Hm...?" Large triangular ears stood atop his skull, arching with interest though the rest of his frame gave off an almost blase appearance. Excitement danced behind those eyes, though. Childish, burning excitement. "Do forgive me, I just can't help listening in on well... on everything really. It's a nasty habit." A smile peeked around those perfectly white lips, peeking into a playful grin. "Hello Ayita, I don't believe we've met. My name is Test Subject 27, but the living refer to my given name I think."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Was it instinct that told me this was real? Or was it instinct that was forbidding my giving in? Who's side was nature on? I pressed my ears back as I willed myself to resist his touch, but it did me no good. With unease, I came to believe. My brother was before me. Maybe life had been just a dream. When one dies, they do not return. But perhaps no one had died. What if all I had known was my mind's doings; figments of imagination? And now I was awake and the here and now were the truth.

I doubted it could be so.

Another voice rose from the mist and I pulled away to hide half-heartedly behind my brother. The man was a brute stronger than I. The humans had been unjust in my form. I was not bulky like Carska, visibly thick with muscle. Nor was I a slim sheet of pure steel like Denerbe, her enemies never judging that they had no hope against her. I was simply as I displayed; strong, but damn well average. My brother, however, was a warrior. If this world was true, and all I knew was a dream I now awakened from, he would protect me from the stranger that approached.

It occured to me that he who approached must know my brother, for my sibling showed nothing but trusting adoration. I made no eye contact (rather, I looked only to my paws like a beaten puppy), even as I opened my maw to reply. "I listen because they are all I know." I felt childish and defensive as my tone sprang forth with razored edges. I felt like this man was worthy to judge me, and justly shall. But why? Who was he to be so mighty and high that he can say yea or nae to my own soul? Why did I need to justify myself?

Test Subject 27. I had always been a good student. I alwas absorbed all that was sad. The tale goes that a dog with the name of merely test subject 27 had become a god. A god named Skoll.

I flashed my eyes in hate to the man, pushing my way to stand roughly at his nose, the steam enevloping me from his pores only inches away. "How dare you toy with me, scum. The name Skoll is what has given dogs the strength enough to break free from their chains, and here you toss it around like rotting meat. For shame!"

I did not believe in the value of Skoll, or even his presence, despite the proof dancing around me. But I would not have the idol of my kind mocked by a buffoon with smoke pouring from his jowls.

[I L Y I C H]

In the face of adversity; laugh
it makes them mad

My smile dropped into a frown, empathetic but demanding in it's texture."It is all you know, but is it all you can imagine?" Honestly. Ayita with her insecure heart, who looked at the world and wished to rebel but could not see how. Ayita who was loved but did not understand why. "Put a little bounce in it, Luv." My smile returned, all a bit more playful then the previous. The living had so much trouble with social contexts, at times I forgot what they were. Perhaps it was cruel of me to expect them to rise above, the machine was after all, all encompassing. Ayita wanted freedom. Relief. Peace. All brilliant endeavors, but difficult if not neigh impossible to obtain goals. So she must fight. She must reach beyond what was to be expected of her. She was more then what was expected of her, as all of them are. My brothers and sisters, trapped in their cages of thinking.

I was reminded rather swiftly as to why this little dancer had such sway in my heart, as they all did, and yet this little girl had such spunk. That red swathed nose was almost a full foot bellow mine, still aching to shove itself into my face. Closer. Demanding retribution for it's shame. It's annoyance. I was scum, that was true. I the sun settled in my sky with no hope of helping the living. Daiade was my connection to the ground, Daiade and Logan, all the others were dead and gone. With me now, perhaps somewhere hidden waiting for loved ones. They both were preoccupied, hurt emotionally and physically. My war was not the war at the forefront of their minds now, and I could not expect Ayita to have heard them speak of me. To know that this was indeed the fire breather. Blue-eyes. "You know I was alive right? I know what rotten meat smells like, and my name doesn't smell of the stuff"

"Honestly, Darling." I sat, rocking back on my pristine white ass so I was at the girl's height, so she could shove her nose properly into my face. "Has no one told you that it takes humor to survive? I am old, my dear. Older then anyone you have ever met, and I've learnt that if I don't laugh I cry." Brilliant blue eyes turned towards the girl, watching with humor and deep seated love as she made her anger with me known. A small cough bubbled from my chest, bringing with it a thicker blacker puff of smoke, the sort of smoke that ran from true flames. The flames burning in my stomach announced themselves allowed me to turn my skull aside so they may escape into the air without scalding my Sister settled in her fury before me. Perhaps I was showing off just a little, tongue sliding he small blot of heat into a ball within my mouth, letting it slide into the air with it's orange glow turning the fog tawny as it slipped away. Vanished. My smile grew a smidgen weaker, if only for the sorrow of knowing even light faded eventually.

"You do not believe me, Sister." A statement of fact, spoken allowed so I may muse as I often did. Allowing others to hear and contort my ideas often gave light to my own prejudices. Not even Gods are free of their lifetime decisions. Lets give Ayita a go then, let her tear my thoughts asunder so I may know myself and through that knowing, this once so happy soul. "You look at me and you see a dead dog that is playing with your people, playing with a figment of imagination you see as a simple idol." My head cocked forward, long slim snout turning to avoid collision with the red-white face before me. "Tell me something, Dancer." Mist took my body, until I felt nonexistent until my form vanished from those yellow sights, the mist moved me as I wished, transporting me unseen to replace me still seated beside Kamau who reached forward with one paw to touch me. A thing I still didn't understand. I breathed fire, real sustainable hot fire, and everyone wanted to touch my fur to see if I was real. Didn't make any sense at all. But if it reassured them all then so be it.

"Why do you all assume me some great and noble beast? Why do you always expect me to be stoic and perfect? I have never understood those ideals; life would be so utterly boring, don't you think, if everyone acted in such a way?" Again my slim white snout moved, turning slightly so I could peer closer at the red child. Kamau moved form my side, padding forward to settle once more beside his blood kin. A comfort. Kindness was a virtue, and a thing these two siblings had in abundance, should it be let free. "I was alive once, Ayita. I was mortal, with all the flaws and cracks and humors of any folami" My tail waved behind my, slowly letting the mist wrap around it's feathery end. "The only difference between me and you is that I know my own heart, and I know what I must do to keep it sane." Blue eyes skimmed the girl, watching, reading, and waiting all in the same instance. She would rebut, of that I was sure. My dear Ayita was nothing if not stubborn. "That is why I am here, Ayita. Why I listen to all of you, every day and agonize as I sit here and know I can do nothing for any of you. This is not my world, but you are my people. Do you understand, oh what am I saying your probably smarter then me, a silly old lad with a bit of a megalomania problem."

A sigh parted my lips, letting my smile fall into a frown, a frown pooling into such complete sorrow that the mist about my face solidified, turned to ice and clutched at the thick whiteness of my pelt. "I do not toy with my loved ones Ayita. I can only speak if you wish to hear me, and if not then I can do nothing. I am powerless. Weak. An emotional mess that can do nothing to save my beloveds. Do not hate me, precious. Please. You need not love me, I would never demand such a thing, but there is no reason to hate me. I am Folami. The sun may rest in my gut, my dear but I can not control the thing anymore then you may control time."


ooc:// he talks a lot of circular rambles xD sorry.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

I let him speak. I even listened. But I fought to keep my anger, stepping forward as he sat back. It occured to me that my mental paws were flailing to keep a grip on my distaste, on the fury that had, only moments ago, sat so firmly in my gut. I couldn't have cooled the fire if I had tried, but here he waved a few little words and I had to fight for my right to be pissed.

Damn him. Damn him and his black oxygen. I turned away in distress, positioning myself so that Kamau was between Skoll and myself. I hated him. I did.

No you don't, you blind bitch.

I was hit with the load of self-loathing I had been stowing so heavily on my heart. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to howl curses while singing adoration. I could feel the world on my shoulders and I was being crushed in the ashes of the flames we have all set upon ourselves.

"Damn you, Skoll." I wouldn't believe him. I couldn't. And yet I did. This dog was dead. Kamau was dead. And I was the reason why.

I turned to my brother with remorse in my gaze. "If that is Skoll, then you really are gone. I murdered you." I recoiled at the word.

Oh Skoll, why do you speak to someone like me?

OOC//: I suck. Thank you. -bows-