The Fallen Angel }{ Irwin has left this world.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Irwin is dead. I say this not to ask for sympathy, but to request pardon. You see, I could not have loved Irwin like a son any more than if I had birthed him. It does not matter that he was a goat. I hand raised him since birth and goats are born with a 5yr old mental capacity so he was surely like having a child. And the one night I was not with him, he passed away. Ignore me when I curse myself and speak illy of myself....I have a lot of guilt in my heart now and depression that may very well stay there forever. However, Irwin was a happy goat, a fair child with no prejudice. Those who hurt him, he only showered them more heavily with love. I aspire to spread that message, just as I spread the message of the man he is named after. I will mourn for him as a mother mourns for their child, for that is what we shared. A woman can adopt a baby and still have a love for that child that could rival the most passionate of birth parent/child relationships. That is what this is that we had/have. However poorly I feel, no matter the guilt and the depression, I have learned something. I take life forgranted. Yes, it is cliché, but it is the truth. My dog, Brian, is ill-mannered so I have dismissed him and speak unkindly to him. No more. I will show him the same patience I bestow upon every one of my other creatures. My parents and sister see the worst of me on a daily basis. No more questions, they are my very life and I intend to prove that to him. My mother says my dad has gone to bed crying because he thinks I do not love him. Nothing is farther from the truth and I plan to show that to him each and every day we have together. Irwin was only four and a half months old, and in that time he gave this secretive, sad little girl the chance to know true joy. I needed someone to need me. Irwin suffered mental and physical disabilities, he was completely dependent. Not just dependent, but even grateful for the things he received. However, in my eighteen years, I have taken so much and given so little. The boy gave me a gift; the gift of knowing that God really does give us each an angel. That angel may not always present himself in a physical form. As I stated, I knew Irwin, my angel, for only four and half months. In his four and a half months, he changed my life—both my present being and what I aspire to be. Even now, I know he stands beside me in complete health…does it make his death less painful? Not in the least. Will I cry/mourn for months, perhaps even years, when I look at an object that reminds me of him, or I hear someone speak of him? Absolutely. I promise the recovery will be a slow process, but I firmly believe in what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger. I will admit this because I trust you all; I picked up some pills when I got in from writing on his gravestone. I swallowed five before I felt a wave of regret and stopped. Five made me throw up, but the damage is temporary. I had intended to end my life with those pills. My son is gone, what more is there? But I felt Irwin there with me. I do not believe that mortals who die are turned into spirits; not until the second coming of Christ. They sleep until Jesus tells them to rise. But Irwin was too much to be mortal; I have the earnest belief that he is my angel, and this is why I can admit I felt his presence.

I will continue this thread with memories and images of beloved at a later date. For now, the tears have my vision blurred and I cannot continue. I hate asking for prayers, but I have to. I am alone, only dogs as my company, for the next few days. If I fall into a state of weakness, I fear the worst. I need prayers while I struggle through this. I watched my child born in illness, raised him in on and off disease, comforted him into the image of health, and then failed him on his death bed. It is impossible to have any amount of positivity with that burden; with God I will push past my failure of my little boy, But only through Him, because I sure am not strong enough. I proved that tonight when only the soft caress of Irwin’s touch kept me from swallowing more than my body could handle. Alone, I would have been dead for my father and sister to find.

[I L Y I C H]

There is strength in sorrow and brilliance in pain. What hurts now will at some point find itself a warm stone in your stomach; a comfort from now and forever. Bhuvy you know that we are all here for you and that many of us understand completely the sheer agony that you must be suffering through right now. Deaths in the family are harsh and sickening. Nothing can cure that sort of ill and nothing I can say will make it hurt any less; but I will always be here to present balm of any kind. We here at Broken Truths love you more then we could ever say, and to be frank I am sure many of us will cry with you.

But no matter what sinking into depression is not the answer. It will never and has never been the answer. It is a lesson I fear you are being forced to learn far too quickly. Some of us give in to it, but that is a show of weakness and you? You are by far one of the strongest people I know. I may not believe in God, Bhu, but I believe in the strength of faith and the human spirit. Irwin was your child, and the heart break of such an abrupt loss is horrid. It burns and god I know it. We know it. But you have to look forward and think, really think; empatheticly in a degree that so many people loose to cynicism. Death makes the shores for rebirth, as it always has. To feel grief and to sob over such pains is healing; but death is not meant to bring death again.

Know that I will be thinking of you. Hoping for you. Mourning with you. As will every other friend and family member you have collected here. We may be rag tag and a bit beaten up but when it comes down to it our nephew is gone. A child whom we all listened about and smiled in response to. He will be gravely missed and I am quiet frank in my saying that yes indeed I am crying right now, because god Bhu you don't deserve this ripping, and he didn't deserve it either. But perhaps the world is meant to turn a certain way. Death is rebirth, and as much as it hurts now life goes on as it always will and always does. But to hear of such change, it is wonderful. It is why I look to you in awe in so many factions. You are strong Bhu, so very strong and I can see that you are going to be made even better by this. Even stronger.

I personally will be on daily besides that car trip so do expect my constant jabbering to be filling up the chat box. If I say anything uncomfortable or painful for you please tell me to shut up, i'm pants at these sorts of things. I swear my rambling has nothing to do with avoiding the subject and everything to do with a furious effort to keep you safe, or else as happy as I can possibly make you with such a heavy cloud hanging over head.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

As I told Kunabee on Facebook, Broken Truths is going to become my sanctuary, by default. Nowhere else can I speak without the constant sensation of judgement. I posted a notice on Facebook, and in that I told that I expect people on there to be judging, pointing fingers and saying I am either nuts for loving a goat so fiercly, or accusing me of digging for sympathy. Here, I did not feel the need to make such statements, because I know all of you are better people than those I have the burden of seeing day in and day out. Though, I do admit I got some comfort from a highly unexpected source; my senior year AP English teacher. He assured me I would see Irwin in Heaven, which, from him, is a shocker. He is more in your face honest than I; he willl beat you down with truths until you want to kill yourself, and then continue spitting out more. So, to hear him give comforts, I knew that I was going to be okay. There are people who care. I thought I just had BT, but there are even people I personally see that will sit with me in heart.

Illyich, I do not want to be a burden to you. I have no right to beckon you to the computer each day. Nor do I deserve it. Fortunately for me right now, I have only two images of Irwin, and they are from his birth day. I failed at capturing every moment, because he was always such a sick child. I had promised myself to take one every day once he was well...Anyway, this means I have little to bring my attention back to him. Yes, the thought wiggles forward sometimes. I was woken at 2am today by the dogs and I felt...happy. Because I had forgotten. Once the memory flooded back, I burst into tears...So the trick is to forget...For now. There is a time to mourn and let grief take over, but I find I do so best when I am in the woods. There, the bugs themselves counsole me, with their gentle footsteps upon my skin, licking at my tears and reminding me that I am appreciated...even if only to provide nourishment for my winged friends. So do not go beyond what you originally planned in order to entertain this deflated mama goat...knowing that you are thinking of me, and holding Irwin's memory like a banner before you, is comfort enough.

As for me being strong, I have always held you to the same esteem. You handle life as if you're taking the bull by the horns. I am merely the one cowering in the wooden barrel, waiting for his horns to pierce through it, taking my life, hopefully quick. I crawl through existance, you get up and run. I admire you, Ilyich. I really do.

I admire you all. I love you all. You are the reason I am alive. Through the drama of my old church, through all the fallen animals, family fights and school stresses...even here, now, through my most heart wrenching challenge yet, the loss of my only son, I will stand up and carry on because I know my family here will be there, even as I watch my family by blood walk out.

Your nephew knew all about you all. I spoke highly of you to him. On his worst nights, I would tell him the happy stories we have created here on Broken Truths. Irwin was a little special in his sexuality, also. He showed much more preference to males. So, naturally, I told him how his Aunty Ilyich(yes, I always referred to you as Aunty Ilyich, Aunty Kuna, Uncle Newol, ect) and her beloved, Ashley. I spoke of the proposal and how they were two of the best people I knew. He listened. I had always envisioned the meetup that Ilyich, Kunabee and I would be accompanied by Irwin. He was such a wonderful car goer. He loved getting a pup cup at Dairy Queen, Taco Bell would give him hard tacos with lettece and tomato every time they saw him, no charge. The world loved him, and I knew my family here would have, too.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

[Kunabee]

I have lost the chance to meet an angel, but gained the chance to feel his soul.
Irwin is with you, Bhuvana. Spirits do not sleep. When my dog, Daisy, died, I felt her almost constantly. When souls die they do not sleep; they do not wait for Heavenly Father. No, they are there for you.
Because Irwin is my little nephew, and Midge is my little sister as much as you're my big sis, Bhu. And you need Irwin. So he is there.
I still see Daisy sometimes. I still feel her sometimes. She was not my angel. She was my sister, and we did not always get along in true family fashion. But I loved her, and she loved me.
We here on Earth suffer. When someone dies. When we feel pain. On and on. That is why we need comfort and love. That is why, right now, Irwin is sitting next to you.
Bhuvana, I may not be able to be there next to you. I may not be able to hold you and care for you. I may not see, may only feel, but Irwin was your son. I can feel it through these words I read. Bhuvana, you have felt the love of a mother. This is what our Heavenly Father feels for us. You have gotten a blessing I've always longed to have.
You have loved a being as much as our Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us. Ilyich, Ashley, you, and me. Irwin will be there for you each day you mourn. Each day you look at all the things that can kill you and want to use them. You are strong. And you need to be a mother to more.
You need to be my big sister, need to be a daughter, a mother in the future. And Bhuvana, don't be afraid. You will have children both of the four-legged kind and two-legged. And you will be a wonderful mother.

I love you. I will be here for you. My mother asked if Irwin was a pet and I half-nodded.
I half-nodded because Irwin wasn't a pet. He was your son. And he is your angel.
My mother, a pet owner, still doesn't understand the value of life. I couldn't tell her Irwin was your kid, your son in goat form. You have been blessed with a struggle. You will love. You will hurt.

But Heavenly Father has plans for you, and you will have more children four-legged and two-legged, and throughout it all you will be my big sister and Ilyich's little sister.
And Irwin will be your personal angel.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Though I disagree on a religous level about spirits not sleeping until Christ returns, I appreciate your words. Besides, I find comfort in souls sleeping until the end time. I do not want them to suffer this world longer than is fair. However, like I said, Irwin was different. He was angel. And he is here.

I love you, Kunabee. I love all of you.