Where I Stand }{ Whisper Sweet Lies

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Heh. It's funny, really, the way the sun sometimes peaked past the blackened clouds. It beamed short burst of light and warmth, dulled, but still present, through the drops of rain. I watched the black clouds spit their disgust upon me, fighting away the heat and joy. Yeah, I knew such a thing could exist. Here, in the darkness and solitude, I could admit that without spite. Happiness was once a thing a honored and displayed. I was once what one would call a content and innocent dog.

Notice it all sits in past tense.

My dirt colored eyes sat unblinking, not bothered by the sting of the raindrops. My fur was matteded, chilled, as I watched with satisfaction that the clouds won and the sun hid away behind the dark, moist mass. My feet prickled as the crashing waves broke, slugging foward to lick me before retreating, frightened at how I sat unnerved, unbothered, and far more soulless than it. I was a horrible man, and that terrible being that had enherited my soul upon my family's death was embraced by me. Relished. I could deal with being awful if it meant my soul would be kept from torment. If I gave in, the icy grip of agony losened it's fist, allowed me to wiggle and feel void. Numbness was far grander a sensation than pain.

My ears flicked as I read the surronding terrain. Paradox and Ayita were to be wedded today. Why could I not just sit and applaud, happy for their joy? Because that would be another lie. My comrads poked and prodded --Mahal and Clarimonde more than anyone-- and told me that I needed to smile more. That frowning and blankness would only make my heart hurt worse. That I was a happy dog, I had always been a happy dog. Mommy had died and I had still managed to smile, despite that chunk of my heart being a bloody mess on the soil. Well, maybe it was because the soil was mud now that I couldn't do the same thing anymore. I was not a happy dog. I wouldn't ever be a happy dog again.

And damn them for refusing to quit reminding me that I once knew how to smile.

My ears flattened against my skull as my expressionless gaze turned to snarl towards the ocean. Their faces haunted me, paws pointing as they accused me of lying to myself. I was burying myself in grief because it was what normal dogs would do in my situation. They assumed that I was trying to be what everyone else was; a miserable son of a bitch. Well, they could all kiss my ass. I smiled for them because it was easier than explaining that, sorry, but I really was just like any other dog. I have a breaking point, it the line was crossed. I knew that they knew I was faking my happiness. But it settled them. They heard me whimper in the night, but the next morning I would paste on the paper mask. It was easy to justify their blind eye to themselves; they dreamt my midnight sorrows. Yeah, what ever makes them happy.

Because Skoll only knew I was never going to be fucking happy ever again.

[I L Y I C H]

hear me now all I can say is i'm not afraid
of this world that I am trying to push away

mahal->
I watched from a distance, tail tucked slightly. So much had been destroyed. So many good friends had fallen. Destruction it seemed rained from the very sky as heat was replaced by the chill of constant water. Everything was chilled to the bone or the very earth. Frozen at it's heart. Pain was not a relative thing, and dear Skoll it hurt to see him like this. Logan was a dear friend, so very dear. He had been broken before, and we had always shared that at least. Broken brothers. Comrades in arms. Heat held thick in my chest just watching that ebony frame turn in upon itself. It physically hurt to know that nothing I did could repair this. There was no healing through words, not when they were all lies to the mourner's ears. Not even time could repair all wounds; of that there was evidence all over our sad little pack. Taking a small step forward onto smooth stone, I allowed the cautious upturn of my lips to die. Dissolve.

Logan was safe. Logan was a lack of judgment. Worry and fear slunk forward as it so wished to. It was so hard to allow. So very painful to let that mask crack and shatter, but dammit I needed this just as much as him. Another onyx died paw came forward drawing an almost submissive form forward. He had been less then receptive to my false attempts at praising 'the future', it was time to be honest. It was time for him to see that this murky world he swam in had so many other visitors. They were simply too lost themselves to find one another. Walking with a slight hitch I moved within a meter before coming to a stop again. It occurred to me days ago that Clari and I only made things worse. Logan was only growing sicker inside. He needed his expression, and he was stronger then me. This man could let go of his mask and let the world see. He would always be stronger then me.

Slinking down into a sitting position I turned my snout towards the earth, ocher eyes falling shut. It would be against the silent laws to speak up. Against Logan's wishes I would assume. He didn't want to hear anything this sorry mutt had to say. I'd only make it worse. How utterly loathsome. I fought so hard to help everyone, and the only people I couldn't save were the ones that mattered the most. Logan may not be blood but he was a friend, and I valued him dearly. Seeing this... and how I'd only made it worse burned me. Not that I had any right to pretend to understand his hurts. All of my own injuries were mental. Emotional. This once happy brute had everything stolen from him. Everything he had ever valued to touch had been removed. Everything shattered. The very illusion of such agony made me sick to the pit of my gut. So I would remain silent until spoken to. It was Logan's right after all. I was intruding once again.

(song = Hear me Now - Secondhand Serenade)

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

The sound was almost silent, but the scent spoke volumes. Mahal was here, sitting only feet behind me. I froze, muscles tense beneath my pelt, as I stared forward. How do I approach this man that knew I was not happy? I could be honest and tell the brute to go away, to leave me sauntering in solitude. I would be far more comfortable if no one saw me during my weakest moments, like this moment here. The mask, it took much of my energy, but the sorrow was forbidden. I was a preacher, I could not frown.

Damn it, this is fucking Mahal over here.

The boy was the Prince and I could not dismiss him. As if that were even the reason. I had never given much thought to rankings, my only love had been an omega, so I threw out that reasoning once it fled through my thoughts. Mahal was my friend, the only one I had left. The only thing left that had any value in my life. I cared for Clarimonde and Vea Apxn, but Mahal was the man I could trust to lay down his life for me. I would not push him away.

But I never said I wouldn't pretend.

Not even giving the boy the benefit of my gaze, spoke with a wispy voice, soft and carried quietly through the rain. My tone held no venom or malice, only a friendly welcome. The mask was a deep one, one I could not afford to break. “Am I needed to give the vows now, my friend?” That was why he was here, I was sure. I had agreed to be the preacher, for that was what I presented myself daily as. Skoll had left me, but I knew he was there. I did not lie in my words, only how I said them.

Skoll was a good man, worthy of praise; but I did not love him.

[I L Y I C H]

Ears flicking back I looked up sharply, orange-brown eyes cautiously surprised. Avoidance was a tactic reserved for the terrified, and I couldn't help but wince at it's use. "Er- No. I think they're not starting that bit until later on." There I was falling right into it. Damn I wanted to avoid everything just as much as he did. Swallowing slightly I stood up enough to scoot up so I was sitting beside instead of behind. Maybe this wasn't just about fixing a friend. Maybe this was about trying to help each other, and get rid of the pressurized heat that crept into my chest ever time I found him like this. Like anything really. How was I meant to explain to anyone, let alone this poor brute who I was desperate to help, that I had fallen head over heels? Frowning deeply I turned my stare to the boiling sky. I couldn't look him in the face right now, not with my heart fighting with the need to speak and the need to stay silent.

It was true that the wedding was today... and I should be rushing to get out there, but I couldn't leave Logan alone in this state. He didn't deserve to be alone right now, or ever really. Too strong for his own good. Too broken to be strong. It all seemed so familiar and so wrong at the same time. Falling into another bought of awkward silence I couldn't help the way I started to shuffle. After all he probably thought I was here to just shove my nose into his business, which I actually was doing. It would probably just be better off for everyone if I just got up and rushed off. Frowning down at the rock, I gave a small twitch of my tail my worst traits seeping out as I tried to remove some of the awkwardness. Because damn maybe it was just me but I felt like I was a bit too hot with the rain falling as hard as it was.

"I- ah..." Grimacing slightly I looked up at him out of the corner of one eye. "I actually came up here to apologize for my nonsense." Some of the rubbish that I had spouted was only for my own benefit, in fact most of it had been. Selfishness was a horrid thing. Be happy! Be happy so we can pretend! My furious need to daydream had been threatened by his sadness, and I'd reacted like some sort of psyco. 'Your fucking up my dream land Logan! Stop it!' It was wrong in so many ways especially considering much of what went through my own head. It was wrong, and Logan needed to know that I knew that. I needed him to know that I understood as best as I could. Shattered as he was I would always stand here silently. Ready to help when he picked up his glue gun, and ready to provide company until he did so. If he ever did so. It didn't matter.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

“Oh.” My tone broke as the man said this had nothing to do with the wedding. My head sat rigidly on squared shoulders as Mahal made his way to be seated beside me. I continued to stare out at the ocean, face a blank mask, not matching the kind tone I had used moments earlier. It displayed a sense of nothing, an empty shell that housed nothing but enough to live.

He was apologizing or something like that. I scowled with his words, but I was not sure who the disapproval was towards. I could sense that I was torturing this man, unjustly punishing by holding him accountable for wanting everyone to be happy. I was a monster, but the sting of this insult was gone. I welcomed the beast that snarled in my chest, the creature that fed off the apology and pushed me to want more. Apologize, sure, but not every apology is paired with forgiveness.

Ears falling back, I finally tilted my head to meet the man’s emerald eyes. The ocean’s waves continued to lick and retreat, the sun having forfeited its battle, seeing it was unwanted. Rain pelted my back, itching to sting my skin, but I would not allow its burn. “Apologize for what nonsense, Mahal? You have been nothing but supportive of me in my time of need.” I smiled a sweet little grin, eyes pushed to slits at the effort. The tone was warm and childish as I bent forward and nudged my friend in gratitude. “I should apologize for being so stubborn. You and Vea Apxn are right. Letting sorrow rule you is so silly.” Pulling away, I looked back to the ocean.

Now run away, Mahal. Run and tell yourself my words are true. Run so I can sit here and burn in the salt of my own angry tears. I urged the man to take the escape, to bite the bait and run with it. Everyone else had proven to me that they would leave me alone if I told them what they wanted to hear and forced the upward curves on my face. Everyone was happy believing a lie if it meant they could rest their little heads at night. Why couldn’t Mahal be like everyone else? Why did he have to take after his mother, and not his father? “Why don’t we head on back to camp? We don’t want to be the one’s responsible for the delay of a wedding!”

I was getting too good at giving my voice the light note of my younger joys.

[I L Y I C H]

"Logan-" Any well articulate thought about to come out of my mouth died by fire the second he touched me. Teeth snipping together I leaned back a bit faster then was entirely necessary, which in itself was simply screaming 'something's wrong here!'. Jeez, this was all wrong. "Ah-ah. No. No that's not- no." Staring at him without any real suppression of the waning shock still trapped on my face. Honestly. This was incredibly pathetic, but I couldn't really look at him. dammit Logan. Biting me tongue I grimaced lightly regathering my thoughts. That smile was... wrong. Incredibly wrong. It was fake to the very bone, and my own ebony lips twisted further into a state of disagreement at it's appearance.

"Dont. Lie" Finally able to shove seriousness back to the for front, I forced myself some sort of eye contact. I knew masks and I knew what they did. That kind of self deception, of warping, it burned. Being happy for others was the base of how I built my devotion, and if Logan thought he could weasel around me then he didn't understand a thing. "Happiness sucks when it's for other people Logan. You can't just... live like that!" Shacking my head hard I turned a frustrated stare to heavy black paws and the red stone underneath. "You... have a heart too you know" By this point my voice had fallen to almost invisible levels, though I was silently begging him to hear me. Its not like I could repeat this. Everyone seemed to think I was all love and encouragements but dear Skoll I felt so incredibly awkward right now.

This was my fault. I'd banged it into this poor bastard's head that he had to do this. That he could chase people off by doing this. Ears slicked back I turned my skull to eye him slightly. "And I was apologizing you jerk." Oh yes insults. Even if I was joking. Nice going. Smooth. Sucking in a deep breath I puffed out my cheeks and looked at him. "Ah-no. No we are not going back to camp." Asserting some small bit of strength I stuck my chin up a bit higher. "Look I'll go, but really they aren't gonna do anything until the rain stops a bit this afternoon." Standing quickly I took a step backward and lowered my head with a small smile despite everything I'd just said.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Lying? Who’s lying? I scowled as the boy met my gaze. Nope, he could not just be like everyone else. He couldn’t just scurry off and let me sulk. Ah, but I could feel it stir with in, that silly little emotion; gratitude. I had so little to be grateful for anymore; I let nothing give my lips a true curve. However, here Mahal stood with no mask on his face. I had always held Mahal dear, but ever since I lost Evangeline and my father, Mahal and I had had something in common; we both were chronic liars. We were both focused on everyone else being happy and comfortable that we denied ourselves the same. I let my smile soften, dropping away from the childish joy I had masked over my expression. “You’re right. If you won’t lie, than neither will I.”

Then he mentioned that silly little heart.

Turning away, I let the smile fall. My heart is gone, my friend, torn from my bloody chest. You’ll get hurt trying to figure out where it lay. I shook away the thought, decided it was not time to be entirely honest. My heart lay in the grave of Evangeline, for certain. The woman had stood up against everything she knew and became the hero to two lioness cubs, the third sister in their already existing duet. I refused to think the heart was still beating in my chest if Evangeline’s was not beating in her’s. “Yeah, right.” It was barely audible beside the heavy rain’s mourning wail. I let it drop as nothing more than a breath, rolling from my tongue to the mud, only to be carried away into the sea by the grabbing waters.

Not going back to camp? As you wish, my Prince. It was almost fond, the familiar thought. No matter how many times the throne changed paws, I had always considered Mahal the only true Prince, the only worthy heir. I continued to look heavily to my paws, but my eyes were softer now, less hostile than his ‘you have a heart, too’ statement had pushed to my expression. He offered to leave, even receding a step, and I angled my head upwards to continue my earlier stare out to the ocean. I was relieved to have him go, or so I convinced the forefront of my mind.

“No, please, don’t go, Prince.” It was a moan, falling heavy from my tongue as I continued my level stare to the ocean. I did not realize it was grumbling up my throat until the words were past returning point. Yes, they were true, I admitted. But to say them, it was wrong. It was wrong to ask Mahal to be my shoulder. This was why I played the part of happy Logan, Skoll-fearing Logan; people didn’t deserve to carry another’s cross. They had their own heartaches and griefs. Who was I to say ‘Hey, Mahal, just in case your cross was not heavy enough, here’s another one to pile on top! You’re welcome!’? The boy had offered to leave, he must have sensed that I was about to pour out onto him. I knew him. He would not deny me when I so earnestly asked. I had to give him an out. I had to, for him.

But, damn-it, I am a selfish monster and I want to piss and moan to someone.

[I L Y I C H]

broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces
you learn the hard way to shut your mouth and smile

"I won't lie to you." Seriousness infused the words. If he was willing to put his trust in me then I could do the same. I would do the same, no matter how difficult. Even my own mother didn't know what I hid away in the shadows, but I wouldn't turn away from this man. Blinking away the itch of my eyes I turned enough to look him squarely in the face. It didn't matter if Logan wasn't watching me, I knew if he found the strength to look up he would see the determination in my own ocher gaze. "It's true. I can hear it, even if it is a bit muffled." It was there, with every breath. Thumping along in it's pained lurching gait. It hadn't been torn out. It had been beaten into submission. Destroyed in it's pouch of scarlet. But the body was so good at healing itself, and time so careful with scars.

Brow wrinkling I leaned back slowly, settling back on my haunches a few feet back; unsure. "If... if your sure." A long pause followed as my ears slowly slopped forward once more. "And it's Mahal, Logan. We aren't exactly 'royalty'." We referring to Alonda Cenzo and I. Ekshen had always hated the term, wile Alonda had relished in it. Cenzo simply didn't care, and I'd joined him in that arena for some time but hearing it falling from this man's ebony lips... it didn't seem quiet right. I'd never really understood why we were referred to as royalty. It wasn't as if a crown was placed upon our skulls. Man elected Father to be what he was, but some far off false God can't make a king. Frowning at the thought, I blinked hard. Time had proven as much.

Falling out of awkwardness and into empathy I went silent once more, simply watching. Death wasn't something I had ever experienced. I didn't know what it was. Didn't know what it did. I couldn't understand his pain, let alone commiserate. Turning my stare down to muddy black paws my brow wrinkled further. How exactly did I expect to be able to provide any sort of help? Oh I had ears. I would listen to anything he had to say, but that wasn't exactly helpful. Never the less I would do whatever he wished, and right now he wanted me to stay so stay I shall. Stay I would. Lifting my head once more, I blinked at him taking in the hunch of his dark form and the way he stared off in his own mind.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

He would stay because I was making him. Surely I should release him willingly, give up the reigns so the man could be merry. He said he wouldn’t lie to me, but right now I felt as if he was doing something similar; simply keeping the fact that we would rather leave, all to himself. Lying and denying was the same thing in my mind. With that thought, I sagged my skull down and closed my eyes. “Evangeline would not want me to make you stay, Mahal. I am sorry I suggested you hang around to hold up this broken coward. You may go, my Prince.”

Hadn’t he just dismissed such a term?

I look to him with a guarded bewilderment peaking out behind my foggy gaze that was so heavy with sorrow. “Why deny what is true, Mahal? Some day your mother will hang the throne to you, as was fated. Even if your father reclaims his place, you are his favored child, that much is clear. You and the mate of your choosing will lead our pack. Under your leadership, there may finally be peace.” For some. It hit me then that I held the old pack to some regard. Those dogs would not know peace, but they also did not get burdened with the pains my kind felt. If you do not love, then you cannot miss. A small little voice spoke up for the first time; I envied them.

“Mahal,” I looked away again, shaking my former thoughts of his rank from my mind. My head remained low, but I tensed as I glanced to the gray of the storming sky above the ocean. Aqua blue eyes misted with self-doubt, my stomach flipped. This man was the Prince, one day he would be King. How could I tell the future leader that a sliver of me wanted to go home? How could I admit to a destined President that a part of me wanted to be part of his enemy? Because he is my friend before he is my leader; plain and simple. “Do you ever wonder if love is worth all the agony?” My stomach flipped again as I toyed with that wording. I immediately regretted putting my doubts to words. And yet, I continued. “I lost Evangeline, Mahal.” A tear fell, becoming lost as a wave slithered forward, swallowing it, then scurrying away.

But what if Evangeline was not my destined love? I shook away the thought. Of course she was! Still, the seed of doubt had been planted, and it took only seconds for the roots to crawl through my brain. I couldn’t speak the thought. I couldn’t admit that there were doubts. I couldn’t let Mahal think I was such a monster that I would deny my mate after she dies. However, I could not keep the moan from creeping past my lips, the distraught expression consuming my face, closed eyes creased with the effort of hiding from my thoughts. It was clear I was not saying everything that was on my mind.

Which meant that I was already lying to the Prince, and he would know I was doing so.

[I L Y I C H]

"I'm not-" But he had already begun talking once more, confusion on his tongue now. My face screwed up slightly, lips pulling back into a grimace. "I just hate it okay? That... word. It makes my stomach hurt" There was far too much attached to it. Too much hate. Too much pain. I'm not royalty. I'm not anything. I am Mahal, and that was all that needed to be said. "Someday I may lead, but that won't make me a king. It will make me an Alpha." I breathed out heavily, not sure how to explain myself. This was a topic I thought on often, and I still hadn't gotten it quiet right. "It will make me a father." The words continued haltingly, embarrassed. 'Mate of your choosing'. You just had to go and say that didn't you? And father's favorite child? Great Skoll did everyone see things I didn't?

Licking my lips carefully I looked up at him out of the side of my eyes. "I am not your prince. I am your friend." Falling silent I turned my stare to the water; unsure if I had made my point properly or not. It wasn't until Logan spoke again that I looked back into his amber eyes in surprise. "Yes." There was no hesitance there. No blank silence. I'd gone through hell to earn the love of the ones I held dear. I would do it again and again if they needed me to. Pain was necessary. Love didn't just come to you, it had to be earned. Had to be drawn from it's protective shell like any other precious gem. Drills burned you sometimes. They rent and could even kill you, but you kept right on digging. That diamond had to be there somewhere. My jaws parted again, voice lower then before as his omissions came to a head. "...Yes."

What could I say to him? Logan needed me and I didn't have a clue what to do, but I would try. I had to dig for him too. This damaged man who fought so hard for everyone else. "Death isn't an end game, Logan. It isn't the divider of souls, only hate can do such a thing. Love changes with the loss of the body, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still exist." My careful words spilled forward with the quiet intensity of the ocean before us. "Skoll has her now, Logan. She's safe now." And that was what it boiled down to. How I had longed to help Evangeline. How I had detested watching her in the same place as Abeni. Yet nothing. I had never done a thing for either of them. Perhaps that was the source of my own self loathing. Oh yes, I couldn't help you and now i'm in love with your man. Sorry. Frowning deeply I tipped my snout back towards my paws and staid there waiting for him to speak.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

It all crumbled. He mentioned Skoll. Evangeline was with Skoll. I paniced, eyes wide as I cast a furiously frantic look at Mahal. Was Evangeline with Skoll? The girl was as devoted to Dio as I had once been to Skoll. What if she was denied because of her betraying loyalty? Surely Dio wouldn't take her among his feline friends. She would be lost. All this settled onto my heart, wearying my eyes until I fell to the ground, chin chilled as it hit the ocean's water.

"Damn it, Skoll." It fell soft from my lips, not hostile but simply defeated. I let my mind forget about Mahal for a moment as I stared blankly as the water rushed up and licked over my snout, burning my eyes and the skin on my nose, then retreating again with its cackling laughter. A sound o air rushed between my teeth as the water flowed away from me for the third time, the sound gurgled by the water that had managed to wedge itself between my teeth. The salt chipped at my taste buds, burning and branding my tongue.

I rolled into Mahal, laying on my back, head between his two front paws. Staring up, I had a pathetic plead plastered across my face. Save me. My eyes closed as I used my back limbs to scoot me closer, snout finding his thick furred leg, nuzzling him. "Mahal, I need help. I-I don't think I have faith in Skoll anymore." There. I said it. I was a preacher with no God. A pastor with no love.

I was a fucking devil that hates evil.

[I L Y I C H]

Oh fuck. Was he doing this on purpose? Of course not... no matter what it seemed. Fuck. Blatantly staring it took me a moment to break out of my self. Selfish. My ears pricked then, pressed forward as in one massive wave compassion slapped into my expression. Understanding. That... was it? Oh it was horrendously painful. Greatly so, but this was soul searching. This wasn't something unfix-able. This wasn't something that would ruin him forever. People shattered over less, but this? This was a thing communicable. Skoll was my god, but if Logan did not believe then he was free to do so. If he wanted to come back I would be willing to help. Always willing. "Logan... Do you mind if I speak my mind?" A long pause followed my words, ebony snout tipping down to watch in a twitchy stomach churning silence as he continued to touch me.

"Faith can't be lost. It can be hidden, but it's there. It changes with you. Changes the way you're mind does. The way you're thought does." I looked away after a moment, turning my eyes up wile my head stayed down the ocher reflective in the rain. A long drawn in breath followed. "I don't know if I can... help you. But I will try." Eyes turned back down locking on his face, willing him to understand. Would dear Logan let me that close? Let me help him pick up the pieces of something so close to his heart? Oh I knew he wanted me to. I knew that. He'd said it. But he didn't know of my own selfish reasons for being so giddy about such an idea. Didn't know how badly I wanted to repair him. How soul crushingly deeply I need him to know how devoted I was to this cause.

"I will always be here for you. Always." I love you. It took me a second. A horrendously long second to realize that that hadn't been a thought. It had spilled right out of my big mouth. Right on out into the open where it did. not. belong. Logan didn't need this. The confused little boy who didn't know what he liked suddenly pouncing on him. Oh Skoll. Oh fuck. I was on my paws and backing away in less then a heart beat after the omission. Backing away far too rapidly almost tumbling over as one of my hind paws hit stone. "I- that's not what I meant. I mean- I don't. I do- but that's not-" No. Nope. He would hate me forever and rightfully so. Here I stood looking a bleeding man dead in the face and blissfully taking advantage of the situation. Oh Logan. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Oh but I broke and fight or flight kicked in and dammit I ran.

[/size][/justify]