Nothing Like A Nightmare [Bhu]

[I L Y I C H]

Paradox--
Nightmares are horrid things, eating away at your every fear as you sleep. Horrid things that cling and twist tendrils of panic through your very heart. My mind and body bucked and flinched in its internal fires. So much blood, too much. So much hurt, agony pain. Where was it coming from? I couldn't tell, couldn't tell. Mind and body shuddering, shifting and twisting I could not stop them. The images.

Her body.

If she died because of me would I forget her too? I truly didn't think so. There was too large a difference in the love for for her then the love I had had for Beloved. No... for the lost nameless woman. But this. This horror. Iron filled my nose, and it reeked of my darling. Ir reeked of foul intentions and pools of life blood. It had the monster in my heart twisting for a taste, and it had the forgotten angle in my head moaning in agony.

I was so far gone.

I was a horrid person. I am a horrid person. Black shows ate at the sides of the visions. Dreams, nightmares, they curled around me in sheets and layers. From white hot to icy blackness. Weak optimism to harsh cynicism. My body jerked, teeth snapping shut over my tongue. It hurt, it bled. I didn't wake up. Some side section of my brain caught the pain, registered it. I had gone too long ignoring my pain for such a thing to rip me from a nightmare I had so engrossed myself in.

Something told me she was dead, at the edge of my senses in the dark twisting place. My subconscious whispered vile things in my sleeping ears. Lucy had found her. Hati had found her. Alaois had found her. There was no peace in the dark winding tunnels my brain presented searching frantic eyes. A whine forced past my teeth, gripped and grinding as they were.

No where. It wouldn't let me find her, that winding opaque tunnel. I could smell her, sense her pain. Hurt. Someone had hurt her. But i couldn't find her, couldn't reach her. My body jolted again, shocks and tremors rushing through my nerves. Mi Amour? Where are you mi amour? Ayita? Baby? Nothing found me but panic. Sweat icy panic.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

What was this?

Soft sounds had filtered past the trees, weaving their way through the silent night. My mind raced, registering the noises for what they were; Paradox. The name burned my heart and made my brain throb. Paradox, bringer and destroyer of life. Do I go to save him from the fears of the night? The demons of the dark had found him, should I warn them off with my angel's stare? Or do I let them devour him, because he was a monster? Wouldn't that make me a monster?

Honey, you're already there.

I looked to the sky, tears streaming down my face, matting the red hair that I had once been so fond of. Now it was simply a reminder of the blood I had shed. Not me, personally, but I had helped. Helped hide the blood of the fallen. Showed the dark man the way to the water. Pushed dirt over carcass remains. I had fallen in love with the sense of danger, despite how much I had hated it. And now that very thing I had relished had taken me from my home. My family. Everything I knew.

But I still had Paradox.

What did those words even mean anymore? I regretted that thought as soon as it escaped to be there in my head. I wanted to kill the man, but I wanted to cuddle close all the same. I was lashing out irashionally because I missed my homeland. My genetics told me I was meant to be part of the pack. I was a Folami. But so was Paradox, and yet he had no connections to the group I had called a family. That pack was not even a family anymore so why was I crying?

Just because the pack was destroyed for what it was, it does not mean the members I had loved were no longer my family.

My paws hit the soil silently as I carried my slim mass to where I had left the sleeping beast. My eyes still glistened from the moisture of my tears, so I licked my paw and smothered my face so as to claim I had dunked my head in a small puddle so as to cool myself in the blistery night air. Taking a breath to regain myself, I reburied the sorrow and unease. I loved Paradox more now than ever, but it was natural for me to want someone to blame for my being kicked from my home.

Of course, I had not yet tried blaming the real culprit; myself. I had made the choice to stand tall by Paradox because that was where I belonged. I knew that, but it did not make any of this hurt any less.

Cooing a soft sound, I gently nudged my sleeping demon, whispering his name several times. "Dearly beloved, do wake yourself so that my heart may be put to rest from your struggling dreams." Soft as a dove, I willed the man to awaken. I would comfort him with everything my heart could muster, but I would never call on him to do the same for me.

[I L Y I C H]

The backlash of emotion that came from her words hurt far worse then the nightmares. They made them real, or did so in some cold section of my nameless fears. Instinctively I leaned up to grasp at her. I was a disgusting thing, trying to hold what I had no right to. I dropped back the second that thought reached my conscious mind. A pained smile twisted my features before I washed it away. Scarlett fur lay plastered about her eyes, smudged and rung in a direction it did not belong. She had been crying I could see that much, and I knew the reason why as well.

I had long ago become adept at blaming myself. Everything was my fault, as it always had been. My heart was rotten and it threw mildew upon everything around it. I was the monster, and those tears were things I had drug out across her cheeks. Never would I truly understand why she let me do this to her. Why she had helped me. I dropped my head, my eyes, and rested my chin on my paws. My very dreams hurt her. My very mind imagined her twisted and broken on the rocks of some far off reality. A thing that could happen far too easily for my own liking.

I knew if they found us together what would happen. One would die the other would live. I would hurt her if I had to, to get her away. My teeth would willingly rip into her flesh if it would send her away. From me. From death. From me because frankly my very self embodied the breath of death. I couldn't think about that right now. Not now. Not in the dark with her soft hurt form so close to me. I refused to admit I was just as hurt as her. After all it was me that hurt us both. I could deal with injuring myself. It was paining her that had me twisted as such.

"Im sorry" I looked up at her, twin chips of the winter sky staring up in pleading worry. I knew also that she would stand at my side and fight with me, and I could not accept that. My tail twitched at its end in a feeble attempt at a hello. "Im sorry" I repeated, far more meaning in the words this time around. I was sorry. I was sorry for everything I had done to her. Had I not spoken with her in those long ago black woods none of this would have transpired. My body would have been found in some place less then a mile from Hamod's. I would have finished off my own black suicide pact and she would have been free to live her life. Her warm happy life.

But here I was, sucking her warmth away. Syphining it off like the vampire I was. I loved her, loved her with every fiber of my being. She was a guardian angle sent to save me, and I had obsessively plucked ever feather from her wings.I smiled weakly up at her, hurt and aching. I'd bashed my body a good deal against the hard cold dirt before she'd woken me. The waving grass had done little to dampen the blows. I flinched a littler at the word beloved. I almost told her not to say that, but I shook my head ignoring the qualm.

She could call me whatever she wished, I would remain slumped at her feet. Servant until the day that I die. "Moi Amour... I'm sorry I did not mean to make you worry. I've done enough of that" I sighed, looking away in shame. Why could I never protect that which I loved to unconditionally? Why was I so cursed?

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My eyes lay focused, intent on the beast laying beside me. I pressed closer as his eyes observed my face. I could see the very second he noted my matted fur. I dare not lie to his face. I thought I would easily tell him that I had grown warm, but such things did not pass by my lipstick painted lips. The man had lied to me once before, and I had never done so. After all we had been through together, it did not seem necessary for the relationship.

All the anger and hate I had felt, melted away as I gently nudged the broken boy beside me. His sorrys fell on deaf ears, for I was not looking for an apology anymore. I wanted his smile. I wanted his joy. I just wanted us to stand tall and move on. We were Folami. Anger bubbled up again, but it was focused on a whole new set of standards. "Don't you be whispering your sorrys, Pari. You have no need for such things. I am ashamed it has taken me this long to realize that." I stared down sternly at the dog, pulling back slightly to put an inch or so of distance between our bulks. "I thank you for what you have done."

[I L Y I C H]

I jolted in surprise, eyes widening in shock at her change in emotion. Ashamed? Of such a thing. I sighed, fighting the twist occurring at the edges of my lips. "Pari?" I smiled earnestly at that, unable to help it. I didn't understand how she could forgive so easily, myself being a vengeful spirit, but I adored it. It was a thing I could never have and a thing I sought out in others. Any humor died at her second small sentence. My face stiffened. Thanked me? For doing this to her? I watched her in her slightly altered spot, and for a small moment wondered at who this angel was.

Wondered when Skoll would take her back.

But this was not the time for depressing thoughts, because under her words I had thought of things I had yet to say. Things I could not continue without speaking. My skull lifted, ears turning towards her, my eyes full of the warmth and emotion I had no name for. And yet a name I found. "It is I who should be doing the thanking, Ayita" I stuck my tongue out at her, instantly shifting into a happier state of being.

I loved this woman. Loved her with every fiber of my being. One day that would make me dangerous or heart broken but for now it made me giddy. Giddy and perverse and secretly insecure about myself. I inched back towards her, closing the space she had created. My face pulled into an expression that at its worse could be called seductive and at its best simply childishly perverse. "I love you, Ayita" I curled my body around her, drawing her into a tight hug that I hoped she would not try to run away from.

I snuggled into her, my nose pressed close to hers for a moment before slipping across her neck, down along her shoulder. Huming against her I dredged up old lyrics, thinking hard to bring them back to my mind. Brushing the dust off the old volumes of memory I started to sing the words out loud, the french cascading from my tongue in a soft whispering harmony. "C'est un beau roman, C'est une belle histoire, C'est une romance d'aujourd'hui, Il rentrait chez lui, Là-haut vers le brouillard, Elle descendait dans le Midi, Le Midi..." I started to hum again, keeping up with the soft slow rhythm of the song.

An old powerful chorus my mother taut me so very long ago. I nuzzled into my darling little bird, smiling against her. So very glad for the change. Our relationship would change for the better, for the happier. I was happy now, no the word was euphoric. But now optimism rose in me. Warming me slowly as I cuddled into my darling, my larger body folded around hers, trying to hold her there half out of joking playfulness and half out of fear that she would run away. I twitched out a front limb to press playfully against her belly, sweeping her closer.

I broke back into song, quiet aware that I had taken a sudden turn for the bi-polar bit of my personality. But I had found her, well and warm by my side. She had forgiven me, and told me so with her eyes and her soft caressing words. I loved her, and would profess to her how much until she forced me to stop. "Ils se sont trouvés au bord du chemin, Sur l'autoroute des vacances, C'était sans doute un jour de chance, Il avait le ciel à portée de la main, Un cadeau de la providence, Alors pourquoi penser au lendemain"

The old familiar lyrics curled in warm tunes from me, the french music twirling easily and vibrantly through my voice. I had always had a good voice, a strong singing voice. But in my state of utter joy, humming and singing into her fur I could have out sung a song bird. I felt as if I would,and continue singing I would. A drew in a soft breath for the next verse, pausing slightly when the proximity of her scent distracted me.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Oh, that smile.

I had seen this man with smiles before. Amusement. Dangerous. Challenge. But this was different. This was the smile I had been digging for. All that time was now being paid off. All those words finally being heard. He touch made me realize that everything that has happened was all simply bliss in my fragile little heart. The class was not half full or half empty, it was just too big. No more ups and downs, simply consitance. I had envied that in Daiade and Abeni's relationship, though there's was a different kind than mine. I had wanted what Jeremiah and Rhonda had had before she had passed away. Heck, I even wished for the confused thing that Bidziil and Carska called love. And now I had something better. I didn't have to want anymore because I simply had all that there is to have.

"I love you, my dark angel." I cuddled closer, his smile being enough to brighten the dusty halo above my head. I could be the good Ayita and still have Paradox, that much was clear. I need not trade in my wings for horns just to have this man. He knew we came from opposites sides of the road, and that was what made this such a perfect relationship. I could save him from falling into the darkness, and he could keep me from being blinded by the light. Balance, there had to be balance.

As all things I do, my thoughts as he sung his pleasant foreign tunes were strange. All I could think was about our future. And now whether or not we would always be together. Not who would die first. Not whether or not we would ever be part of a pack again. But about children. I wanted to have a family with this man. I wanted to see children that shared in their father's beauty of spirit (and appearance, of course). I wanted to have to travel to the ends of the earth to find the micheivious siblings that would forever raise my fur in alarm, but cease to fail to bring forth my smile of glee, even when I wished to wring their tiny little throats.

"Tell me what those words mean, love." My voice was soft, dream like, as I burrowed into his fur, taking in the sweet scent of the man that was mind. Truley and fully mine. The words, they were beautiful by sound and I knew their translations would be just as such. I had confidence in our love, which was something I had never had. All the times before, I had always figured the feelings were one way. I loved them all, but something always told me that I was the hated one. But here, alone with my Paradox, I could be comforted to know that the words he sung with such a beautiful language were for me and they were expressions of beauty themselves.

[I L Y I C H]

I could have purred at her words, had my throat not been ground into its rough canine facet. As it was I nuzzled against her, breathing softly into her fur my heart beat ramped with euphoria. We were indeed balance. I the dark angel made angel by the halo she held so warmly over both of our heads. A guardian angel who in my time of greatest need pressed her halo against my ears. The warmth in my body seemed to vortex, growing sharpest and most precious where my body touched her own.

Hymn still lilting from my lips, I paused at her next words head tilted. "Moi amour." The words fell from my lips, teasing and gentle in their soft cascades of french. "Im sorry, I forget sometimes. Its the language I was born into" Shifting my weight I set my muzzle upon her shoulders, breathing out low and long before starting again. "Its not exact the words don't match up properly" I frowned, this had always been a thing I did not understand about language. How could it alter itself so readily under so many different tongues.

It was infuriatingly annoying.

The soft tune drew back into me as I started to sing again, careful to manipulate the words correctly. "It is a fine novel, is a beautiful story, is a romance of today, he came home, Up to fog, it went down in the South, The South" Twin blue pools slipped closed as I rested against her, the sounds drawing me under as the fell from me. How I had forgotten my joys. How I had lost my joy for singing. "They were found by the roadside on Highway holidays, was probably a lucky day, it was heaven to hand, A gift of providence, then why think of tomorrow"

I stopped, the air left in my lungs slipping silently out after the final word. It was not the whole song but it was all I could remember. I had not sung in so long, the very essence of the words escaped my grasping fingers. I peeked open one eye, watching my darling for a long moment before I sat up and touched my nose delicately to her cheek. "Moi amour. That means My love." I reached lower, caressing her neck before resting my throat protectively around her. "Petit oiseau. It means little bird" I smiled against her shoulder.

I paused thinking. What other phrase would mean something? I could think of none. Our relationship was not grown from words, rather from the depth of emotion. For a kindred need for balance and adoration from a second party. A vicious lacking of true adoration and a need to be both loving and loved. I wondered quietly, what our future would be. Even under our current circumstances I could not help but day dream resting against her as I was.

Would it be possible for my darling to be a mother? No, I was positive her form would glow with the perfection of the adoring mother. It was I that was to be worried over.But that was also wrong. Here I lay, listening to her heart beat, and trying to match my own to the steady rhythm. Family. Even as we had lost our pack, our first family we ourselves had become a family. It was not my personality to voice such a thing but in that moment listening I wanted nothing so much as I wanted that family. Our family. My Ayita and whatever charges came or did not come.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

My eyes were closed as I hummed to the rythum the man now presented in my own tongue. I had been right to imagine the words were as pleasant as the sound, and I simply inching to be more engulfed in the mass I had not had to grow to love, I had simply adored on first sight. The Gods, whomever they may be, had been so kind to me, their confused little angel. My paws had walked on unlevel grounds for so long and, though they had not given me a flatter terrain to trek, they had given me Paradox, the means to overcome the mountains.

As the words for little bird passed by his lips, my eyes opened and narrowedly playfully as memories came flooding back. I shifted to be looking upwards at the man, to meet his focused gaze. "I do recall how the title of little bird originally infuriated me. Now I ask for nothing less than it." I giggled at the admission, again putting my skull against his form and drinking in his scent.

"You're alive!"

My head shot from its home hidden in the chest of my male, eyes alert and ready to fight. The voice processed before the image did. That golden innocence that I had often envied of the mentally challenged lioness. "Abeni, what are you doing so far from home?" I challenged her, infuriated that she would be so moronic as to travel without Daiade. The girl would get herself killed! I was not a total kittenhugger, I did believe Folami a superior race, but I did not view my mission to be one to murder them all.

"Honestly, I came to look for your dead bodies....I don't trust Lucifer so when he said you guys abandoned the pack, I figured he must have killed you....I wanted to prove he killed you so that the pack would turn against him..." The girl looked to her feet under my steaming gaze. My expression shifted over to Paradox, no disbelief there.

"I guess we should have known Lucy would try and alter us into being the backstabbers." I scoffed out the statement, looking intently at the man I planned to stay with for the rest of my life. Abeni shifted herself to follow my eyes to rest her own golden gaze of curiousity on the man she had adored. Paradox had always been stern, but kind with her. It was his time with Abeni that made me know he would, indeed, be a perfect father.

It occured to me then that, now that we were alive, Abeni would insist on knowing why we left her. The girl felt all too attached to everyone and when someone leaves, she takes it personally. Would Paradox be honest? Somewhere deep in my heart I cared for Abeni as a mother for her young...I did not want her trust for us stolen because we had murdered a fellow. But, then again, what other reason could we give besides the idea that we had run away? I cursed quietly, looking down, away from my love and the lioness. Either the girl hates us for being murderers, or she hates us for being selfish and abandoning the family. Either way, the hate still hurt.

OOC//: Sorry, I was braindead so I had to bring my other darling in

[I L Y I C H]

ooc:// Poor Daiade he falls asleep and look what happens! xD

Grin set loosely in place I poked her. "It was just a general naming in the beginning. Then it was a taunt, a tease." I smiled as I rested against her. Meeting this little scarlet beauty had altered my every thought. She had pulled me to her heart and I was never going to let go of it. "Now, I think, it is a binding name. And nothing less will ever be presented to you." I set my head back down, rubbing my cheek against her soft velvet body.

The words in their recognizable but not noticed tunes had me frozen. Every ounce of joy was restrained by the iron chains of suspicion in a second. Any relaxation that had come to my muscles flinched and twitched into unrestrained tension. She tore her head away from me, to accuse the lioness of something I didn't hear properly too busy trying to clear the flaring motes of panic out of my ears. It was just Abeni, but my muscles loosened only slightly. Who may have come with her? I was a naturally suspicious animal and the thought came without challenge.

She spoke her words, and my tension died a bit more. She had come to prove our loyalties. I offered the lion a weak but proud smile. She trusted us, believed in us. And yet she placed her heart in the hands of a murderer and his entourage. My smile fled in terror at the possible loss of my slightly brain-dead young friend. Guilt in my eyes I turned to meet Ayita's eyes, nodding in response. Not at all surprised. "Politics is a cut throat business, after all" My voice was pinched. This wasn't just politics after all, this involved people. This involved lives and emotions and futures.

Suddenly quiet aware that I had my body tangled about my darling's I turned an embarrassed look to the open plains before looking back to Abeni. "Get over here, girl" I lifted a paw, arching it towards her before dropping it to the ground. It was against my nature to leave a friend standing awkwardly and yet so happily off to the edge like this. Even if it meant a kinda-sorta end to my snuggling with Ayita. I set a stern expression on my face, mimicking Ayita's tone as I reprimanded the girl's dangerous behavior. "You're going to get yourself killed, Abeni! After everything they've done to keep you alive. Speaking of which where is your father?" I had long ago forgone demanding why she called Daiade by that title. I understood the connection, but was at a loss as to how to explain the title.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Abeni

I lunged forward eagerly, excited at being welcomed into the duo. Snuggling up against the male, I saw Ayita's stern disapproval for my coming melt away as she touched her nose to my cheek in warm greeting. The stern expression returned, however, when Paradox asked for the where-a-bouts of my father. I shrugged, only now realizing the man was not with me. "I assume he is at home, asleep." I glanced over my shoulder and anxiety set in. I had left without my father's permission. He would worry! Panic set in and I pulled away anxiously, standing tall over the beings. "Daddy is not going to be happy when he wakes up and I am not there..."

Glancing between the two, I decided to press them for why they had left us. "So if you are not dead, does that mean Master Lucifer was telling the truth? Did you abandon us?" I frowned at the thought, looking to my paws. I knew times were rough since Bidziil had been taken, but we were a family, and families stay together through good and bad. What right did these two have to just decide we were not worth the effort? Who made them so great that they could decide that all they need is each other? Gracious, I would be fine with just Daiade, but I was loyal to the others, damnit! I was willing to press on past Hatti's ice glares if it meant staying tall for my family....No, these two could not possibly abandon us. That left only one other option. I opened my eyes and gasped in surprised excitement.

"You're ghosts!"

I felt pretty proud of myself for figuring it out so I puffed out my chest and held my head up high. "Well, Sir Paradox and Ayita, ma'am, I shall tell the pack of your murder so that you can be put to rest and rise to Heaven." I turned around with determination on my face. I had a purpose. "Yes, that's exactly what I will do. You can count on me!"

I heard Ayita shift beside the male, no doubt getting ready to thank me for my willingness. But the gratitude never came, just a sigh and a quiet, "Bless your heart."

[I L Y I C H]

Smiling at the lion's intrusive snuggling, I rested my snout on her shoulder, watching Ayita over Abeni's bulk. Ears twitching at her words, I shucked my head back to avoid the strain of her standing against her worries. Half wanting to tell her she had a right to panic, and half wanting to comfort I chose to be silent, watching her through pale winter blue eyes.

My body twitched at her words. Abandon? I would never abandon those I cared about. I may be mad but i wasn't cruel... To most anyway. My eyes slid to meet Ayita's worried. How to tell Abeni the truth? Because it was the truth she must know, and will probably hate us for. There is no reason to hate Ayita though, and I would make that perfectly clear. "Abeni, we didn't abandon you, or our family" What little pieces are left there anyway.

Her sudden proclamation cut me short,and with a low whine I caught Ayita's words as well. My heart rolled over and dropped to my gut, boiling there quietly. It hurt, these abnormal feelings of devotion and hurt based off loss. I thought I had become use to loss, but it was a shame. A masquerade. My ears drooped. "No Abeni, we're not ghosts either" Life would be so much easier if we were.

Reaching out to touch my little bird out of anxiousness, I settled my chin against her back. Frowning intently I stared up at the lion before motioning her to sit back down beside us. I would not let her walk away with that. Not a lie. I had lied for too long and to too many people to let her leave right then. "Abeni... Dear Abeni" I glanced to Ayita for support, I was still weak. In need of a crutch. I would always need her. God I hate these situations.

"I am the murderer Abeni."

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Ayita

The lioness' rapid movements had forced me to pull away from her, kept me from gentle nudging her like I wanted to do for the child. Her little heart was beating rapidly against my paw, excitement and curiousity pulsing with every thumping movement. Then it slowed to a steady rythum, but it seemed to stop.

Abandon?

Oh my girl, we would not abandon you or the family. Her eyes had become downcasted, at the word, and I willed her to look at me and read my eyes. She didn't need to. My strong Paradox had spoken when I could not bring myself to move my jaws. She looked up with his words, throwing aside the pain that had been there. I nodded to reasure that his words were true, but she was not looking at me. She had spun away, exclaiming something about ghosts.

Us? Oh child, I wish that were so.

The girl stopped as Paradox called after her. It was clear as she turned to face us that she did not like the soft tone he used. Paradox was a brutal man and hearing a voice of such quietness was something the girl was unnerved by. Please, just listen. I knew the girl could be unfocused, but it seemed as if Paradox had her complete attention now. It looked as if there was actually a thoughtful intellectual in that form of hers.

As Paradox stated that it was he who was the murderer, I found myself shifting to look at him harshly before glaring at the lioness. "We both are, Abeni. I am just as much to blame as Paradox." My hard gaze turned painful as the lioness stepped back, eyes vacant as her simpleton mind tried to wrap around the concept.

"You mean you killed a kitty? Don't worry, I'm not mad at you for that. All the others do it." I could hear the wishful tone she used as her eyes still held back uncertainty. The girl wanted to hear us say yes. She was willing us to lie and say we killed a feline. Her soul had been altered for even her to believe the killing of felines more acceptable than the killing of canines. It wasn't murder to kill a cat.

I wanted to lie to her.

[I L Y I C H]

I smiled weakly at my dear little bird's outrage. I had not include her in my destruction, and I never would be able to. She was too pure in my eyes to be seen collecting the back flows of blood from my own jaws. Turning guiltily away from them both, I flattened my ears and closed my eyes. "No Abeni. I... we didn't kill kitties" I couldn't help but reference her childish wording. It made me feel better, like the horrible person I was.

Why did it have to be Abeni? Maybe I was being cold but I didn't want to explain this to her at all. So much corruption. Why did I always have to be the one that turned the nice little kid's bad? Throwing a deeply distraught look towards Ayita, I returned an ice hued stare on Abeni. In one fail swoop blunt coarseness overtook my words. "Lucy found me and Ayita speaking over a dead man's corpse. A man I killed out of spite and revenge."

I paused, body sulking backward before I gathered all of my old seemingly broken confidence and swagger and flung it up like a shield. "One of many men." My lips twitched, and that's when I knew I really was damned. I was going to hell when I died. Talking about my murderous exploits was exciting to me, and I was a horrid person. But it felt so damn good. Remembering them. Knowing I had been the one to kill them.

I twitched, whatever mental disorder that had predisposed me to my vileness flicking me out of the present and into a smirking state of blankness. They were all dead. All of them. All dead. A small vile childish giggle cracked from me before with a gulp I came back to the proper place. Oh yeah I was going to hell. Clipping my teeth together and staring at my paws I sighed heavily.

[Bhu ♥ Irwin]

Abeni

My head hurt so bad.

They had just confessed to murder. Yes, murder. It was not a cat they had taken the life of, but a dog. Their own kind. They were lying. They had to be! I had shared a camp with these two and they had never been violent towards anyone before. Sure Paradox was tough, but he was a good man. And Ayita was as gentle as a mouse. They couldn't murder. They couldn't.

I hated them.

Soft eyes narrowed as I stepped back harshly, lips curling backwards to bare my fangs. "You both are bad dogs. Very bad dogs. I am happy Master Lucifer kicked you out. Killing dogs is bad!" I didn't run away like I wanted to, just cocked my head and stared crookedly at the ground beside the two, eyebrows furrowed and lips tightly grimaced. I was angry at them, but not for the reason I presented.

Their killing had stolen them away from me. As far as I was concerned, it was selfish. "You should have come and fought me. That is what they all do when they are angry. Master Lucifer is okay with that, and so am I. It is my job to relieve your anger." The fury broke at that and dropped to a weak expression that held no name. I was calling Lucifer my master, which I had never done before. He treated father and Aunty Carska and Cousin Mahal badly, which I did not like. And now I betrayed them by saying he was my master. I was as bad as these sick murderers.

"Maybe you guys are lucky. You don't have to deal with all that junk at camp anymore." I turned around with those words, knowing I had to head back. I heard Ayita say my name sadly but I only growled at the voice. These dogs were not my friends anymore. My friends were part of the pack. These dogs had killed a Folami. That was strictly prohibited unless one's life depended on it. If I am to live with Folami, I am to follow their rules.

"Goodbye, Rouges."

Everyone leaves you eventually. I had to get back to father before he thinks I left him, too.

[I L Y I C H]

"Bad doggie. That's right I'm a bad doggie." I was unaware I was speaking out loud. Had I been human my hands would have been clasped to my ears, but as it was what tiny thread of sanity I had left in my pounding skull seemed to be trying to make me look as deranged as possible. Winter blue eyes stared blankly at nothing. I couldn't really see anything past the shade of red that had begun to envelop my sight. Abeni had cracked something with her words.

Such blunt words they were. "Killing dogs is wrong... Killing cats is wrong... what exactly is right? Why can't I do what I please. Fuck my head hurts" The pounding wouldn't leave. That thin string of sanity was starting to unwind, its raveled edges coming undone string by string. Ears slicking back I stared at Abeni, stared through her back really. "You gonna tell me what's right lioness? Abeni dear. Abeni darling? Do you know the answer, cause hell if I do" I was starting to quake, every muscle trembling. I shouldn't, I would drag my poor Ayita into comforting me.

I couldn't let her. If I snapped and bit at her I would never be forgiven. At least by myself, and most people can guess that I don't deal well with my own self loathing. Lurching to my feet in one violent cascade of motion, I stormed after Abeni eyes on fire. "Your going to stand there and tell me whats right you mangy fucking feline" I fell away and backward, black laughter spilling from my trembling form. "You gonna go back and have your slave driver tell you whats right?"

I snarled viciously through my laughter, cutting it in half with razor edges. "I have killed, ah-" my voice lifted into a high wilting childish tone. Corrupted by the black flow licking at its edges the words finished spilling out. "twenty-seven fellow folami in the last erm four years" Cruel sharp teeth bared in a disgusting smile I stared down at the lion's back. "It felt pretty damn right to me"

I could feel it stuck in my eyes, that glowing pit of insanity I had never shown to this tawny girl before me. Poor darling Ayita had been forced to see it once before. As I stood blackly over a white corpse. But poor Abeni, getting to see what Paradox was really like. My smile flinched, blackly twisting into a hateful grimace. And just like that every ounce of shit crashed down on my head at once. The weight was too great, it hurt. Oh it hurt. My face twisted into a state of agony, tears welling up at the edges of my eyes.

"We wouldn't hurt you" I whimpered, tears brimming over, the forbidden heat caressing my cheeks. Once again I was unaware that I was speaking out loud until the words fell from me. Muttering to myself I struggled to back up without falling over. "Wouldn't do that. Wouldn't. Not right." My head swung about, shacking manic like back and forth. Taking in a deep breath that didn't help at all I tumbled back towards my darling. My baby. Ayita wouldn't hate me. Ayita understood.

"Mon Amour? Mon amour...im désolé mon amour" And with that and every last ounce of my strength released in that manic show of insanity I careened face first into the ground. Inching forward, and attempting not to leave a trail of snot I burred myself in the red-white form of my love. Not at all willing to ever move again I drug myself into a ball and hid.